Faking News - leading news satire website of India: December 2015

Thursday, December 31, 2015

After getting no invitations to New Year Parties, man to spam everyone’s timeline with ‘I support free basics’ propaganda

Bangalore: In shocking news a local techie Mr Kirti Azadhind(no resemblance to anyone living or dead) who got no invitations to New Year parties has decided to exalt revenge on everyone by spamming their Facebook timelines with ‘I support free basics propaganda’.

Beware of the Free Basics spammer

This propaganda which is currently cluttering everyone’s notification bar is now all set to infect everyone’s timeline if Kirti gets his way. This has sent all of Kirti’s acquaintances into a state of emergency with many scrambling to send him last moment invites with one of his uncle even ready to provide airfare so that he can attend a party in Delhi but Kirti is not ready to budge.

We spoke to Kirti, “Well it was so insulting to me when everyone in office was discussing their New Year plans and were asking me the same while barely being able to hold back a snigger. Even all the 15 girls who have friendzoned me didn’t hold back from making fun of me. Then I decided to take the mother of all revenges on those F******* by spamming their timeline with Free Basics propaganda. I have even setup a backup of 2 similar minded individuals if someone decides to take me out. But why is everyone so afraid of my threats, the timeline come new year would still be cluttered with shit like, ‘Glorious future blooms in all our hearts, happy new year’ , ‘Hope all your hopes and aspirations get fulfilled and all troubles go away, happy new year’ , ‘Dark cloud parts ways and divine light shines upon us this new year, happy new year’.”

Kirti continued with many more examples but our reporter decided to censor them in larger public interest.

Facebook is now mulling to withdraw the Free Basics propaganda altogether after they feel Kirti’s campaign might create a rippling effect prompting others to follow suit resulting in people not using Facebook altogether.

Exclusive interview with the year 2015

Year 2015 is leaving and we are getting ready to receive year 2016. We decided to interview the year 2015 and ask her about her experiences and the reasons why she is leaving.

Faking News Top 10 of 2015

The top 10 posts from Faking News and My Faking News for the year 2015.

Faking News:

No. 10

No. 9

No.8

No. 7

No. 6

No. 5

No. 4

No. 3

No. 2

No. 1

My Faking News

N0. 10

No. 9

N0. 8

No. 7

No. 6

No. 5

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No. 3

No. 2

No. 1

Commerce graduate remains unexcited about 31st December, says will celebrate New Year night only on 31st March

New Delhi: While the whole world is lost in the celebrations of welcoming 2016 on 31st December as New Year night, Ishan Aggarwal, a B.Com (H) merit holder from Delhi University seems to be unaffected with all the chaos surrounding this event.

3 months to go for Commerce graduates to celebrate New Year

Ishan, being a commerce graduate, has decided that he would celebrate New Year only on year end closing i.e. on 31st March.

On being asked that why he is not joining his Engineering and Medical stream friends for the New Year celebrations, Ishan said, “We accountants follow the Financial year system and not the Calendar year system. Yearly Financial Statements are also drawn on 31st March. So for us New Year eve falls on 31st March itself. Moreover, these engineers already have a very bad record regarding dates, so it’s wise not to be with them else they will spoil my dates too. Those morons keep 1024×648 as their New Year resolution, see how thick-witted they are. ”

“I have absolutely no plans for 31st December; I am just worried about provisions and adjustments to be made in the quarterly statements. I don’t know why these guys are incurring New Year expenses 3 months in advance,” added Ishan while tapping index finger on his head.

Sources disclose that when his friends added him in a WhatsApp group named ’31st ka kya plan hai’ he firstly asked whether it was ’31st March or December’. After getting 2-3 abuses in reply and clarification that it’s 31st December, he immediately left the group.

Baba Ramdev has also come in Ishan’s support saying, “Missionary log 31st December ko New year bnate hai. Hmare yaha to New Year 31st March ko hi bnega. Tb tk Ptanjali ki bhi Balance Sheet Hindu aur Shud Desi Riwazo se bn jayegi.”

Ramdev’s statement seemed to more twirled and twisted than his Yoga positions.

When Faking News reporter glanced around The Calendar found in Ishan’s room also shows April as 1st and March as last month of the year respectively.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

2015 Calendar – Year in review

We thought about publishing a new calendar for 2016 with bikini clad models. However, since we are not bankrupt like Vijay Mallaya, we don’t have the money to hire all those models. Instead, here is a calendar recapping 2015 thanks to Photoshop.

January saw “The Suit” when Modi met Obama

February saw “The Victory” as AAP swept away BJP and Congress in Delhi

March is best remembered for Kejriwal kicking out Prashant Bhushan and Yogendra Yadav

The prodigal son returned from his vacation in April

Nitin Gadkari introduced the country to his farming techniques

Entire June, “The Nation” wanted to know when will the nation get Sushma Swaraj’s resignation.

July, Bajrangi Bhaijaan released and Sakshi Maharaj learned how to send people to Pakistan

August, Patels led by Hardik Patel demanded the reservation

By the time September ended, every Indian knew Indrani Mukherjea’s family tree by-heart thanks to the relentless 24X7 coverage

October, the month during which intolerance kept growing and growing.

November, Lalu Returns released successfully in Patna

The gloves were off within BJP as Arun Jaitley and Kirti Azad differences reached a boiling point.

Kim Jong furious as Jayalalitha supporter photobombs his vacation pic

Pyongyang: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, who was on a vacation to celebrate New Year, was reportedly furious after a Jayalalitha supporter photobombed his vacation pic.

Jaya supporter photobombs Kim Jong’s pic

Kim Jong Un was on a vacation to Ju Hu Beach in North Korea and was taking a boat ride when the incident happened. “Our respected leader was having a boat ride and wanted to click some pics, when suddenly a man carrying a pic of lady emerged from the sea and photobombed our supreme leaders vacation pic. We have taken the man in custody and our supreme leader will decide what is to be done with him,” said Lun Gi, senior advisor to Kim Jong.

Reports reveal that the captive, J Janardan belongs to Tamil Nadu and is a supporter of Jayalalitha. He was taking a selfie with the Tamil Nadu CM’s pic when he slipped and fell into the sea. When he resurfaced, he was in North Korea and saw someone taking a pic. Instinctively he held Amma’s pic and it led to photobombing.

Apparently, Kim Jong Un was so furious with the incident that he executed two of his servants. “Our leader executed two servants in a fit of rage and he almost executed his pet dog Ding Dong Un. He also threatened the executives of the camera company for not making anti-photobombing cameras,” Lun Gi added.

Sources close to the leader say that Kim Jong was initially thought that the man in the background was an alien as he didn’t have the typical North Korean looks. Later, close aides explained that the man was Indian and also explained the concept of ‘rest of the world’ with a map to the supreme leader.

In Tamil Nadu, political activity was observed after the news of Janardan’s captivity was flashed across news channels. DMK chief Karunanidhi went on a ‘day long indefinite fast’ to secure the release of fellow Tamilian.

Indian authorities are in constant touch with North Korean officials to ensure the release of J Janardan. “The photobombing happened in international waters so North Korea cannot impose its laws. We are trying to reason with Kim Jong Un ji,” tweeted Sushma Swaraj.

Meanwhile, Jayalalitha’s political foe Captain Vijaykanth lashed out at Jayalalitha supporters and praised Kim Jong Un. “This is the Limit. At least Kim Jong supporters don’t come to Tamil Nadu to promote their leader. When will Amma’s supporters come to their senses,” he screamed as he threw a toothpick in the air, instantly hitting the fly buzzing over his head.

With focus on DDCA, other cricket associations upset that nobody is talking about their corruption

Delhi: DDCA was once again in news today and this continuous attention on DDCA is starting to make other cricket boards in the country very jealous. All state cricketing boards are starting to question why their corruption is getting ignored by the country unlike DDCA’s corruption.

This demand came from other associations affiliated to BCCI after the latest press conference by Aam Aadmi Party alleging irregularities and corruption in DDCA during Arun Jaitley’s tenure. An emergency meeting was called by all the associations and they condemned the fact that everyone is ignoring their corruption.

“What is this nonsense yaar, every day DDCA corruption in the news? It is as if they are the only ones corrupt in the country. We have also given our best, why are we getting ignored here? Should we wait for a fight between our state government and central government for our efforts to get recognized?” fumed an administrator from Central India.

“This is always the problem with Delhi, wants all the attention for itself. New roads, Delhi. Best Metro, Delhi. National news, Delhi Delhi Delhi. That Feroz shah Kotla is hosting international cricket matches so frequently while our stadiums are booked only for marriage receptions and Arijit Singh concerts.”, the administrator added.

Another member present at the meeting also expressed his anger at the step-motherly treatment to their corruption. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, he said, “We don’t expect as much attention as Delhi but at least a little focus on our scams too. Delhi waale kya dollars me paise kha rahe hain kya that their corruption is corruption and our corruption is Fardeen Khan that everyone will ignore us.”

“They alleged that in DDCA they ask for sex in return while selecting and call it a scandal. What is scandalous in that? At least they guarantee selection. Come to our associations and we will show you the real scandals,” he went on to add.

Only one member present there didn’t seem too upset about it. When we asked him why, he replied, “I am from North-East. I am used to getting ignored.”