Faking News - leading news satire website of India: January 2016

Sunday, January 31, 2016

After Lord Rama, case filed against Yudhishthir for illegal gambling and human trafficking

Delhi: After a case was filed against Lord Rama in a Bihar Court, even Yudhishthir is in trouble with the law. A case has been filed in Delhi District courts against Yudhisthir for illegal gambling and human trafficking.

In the absence of real Yudhishthir, Gajendra Chauhan may appear in court

The petitioner, Mr I. M. Berozgaar has accused Yudhisthir of gambling in an unlicensed establishment and trading humans amounting to human trafficking.

Earlier, a Bihar advocate Thakur Chandan Singh had filed a case in a civil court against Lord Ram and his brother Laxman for renouncing Sita.

Speaking to the media after filing the case, Mr Berozgaar said, “I got this idea after learning about the case against Lord Rama. If he can be tried in the court of law then why not Yudhishthir? He was gambling with Duryodhan in a royal court, not a casino, why should laws be relaxed for him? Further, he went on to trade himself, his brothers and Draupadi, this is a clear case of human trafficking. He must pay for his crimes.”

When we asked why he zeroed in on Yudhishthir, Mr Berozgaar said, “Well Ramayana was already covered in the case in Bihar so I had to look at the other epic for ~~publicity~~ inspiration. Every other character was interesting but Yudhishthir really bored me when I saw Mahabharata on TV so I thought this is my chance of getting even with him.”

Mr Berozgaar is not ready to settle down after just one case though. As per reports, he has several other cases planned if this doesn’t get him the ~~publicity~~ justice. He is planning to file a case against Hanuman for avoiding customs duty on Sanjeevani booti, a case against Dusshasan for outraging the modesty of a woman and a case against Lord Krishna for inciting war through his speech to Arjuna.

Meanwhile, a guy waiting for hearing in his case outside the court said, “Good to hear that the court is hearing this case. Now I know that at least 5,000 years later, my case may get settled.”

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Feel good factor revived, Achche Din look real after Donald Trump says, “India is doing great”

New Delhi: Tens of millions of Indians are in high spirits after US presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “India is doing great, nobody talks about it”.

Republican presidential front runner made this statement during an interview on CNN. A wide spectrum of Indians were visibly overjoyed with this endorsement.

Donald Trump giving his thumbs up to Achhe Din

“Overnight, I felt as if I got a hike of 20% in my salary and my boss finally approved my leave”, commented an elated Archit Bhargava who opens umbrella in New Delhi as soon as it starts to rain in New York, “Its good to know that we are doing well”.

Jay Banerjee, an executive with a multinational who rates Moody’s as more credible than our own CAG told Faking News in an optimistic tone mixed with less skepticism than earlier, “I will immediately begin working on my new start-up, I thought the achche din talk by our PM was all in the air but now it seems very real”.

“After the statement, Trump’s popularity in India is going to shoot up”, Sumit Pandey, a prominent political journalist observed, “We in India love praise coming from a firangi. Should he lose elections in the US, he can contest from any constituency here and win hands down. Trump’s one sentence is more effective than hundred statements from Modi promising achche din.”

Think tanks in many political parties are actively considering calling foreign personalities like Trump from the west rather than Bollywood film stars to campaign for them and hold rallies during future elections. “What they say is definitely more credible in the eyes of the public” was the general sentiment.

A senior party functionary from Bihar, however, was not so sure, “No one knows whether Trumpji is a Yadav or brahmin or a thakur. How will we decide where to take him to address the right constituencies”

“There is no looking back for India now! Whether its Trump ji or Obama ji, Chaay pe Charcha with US will continue”, a visibly happy Sushma Swaraj, thrilled with the Trump endorsement, told Faking News, “Achche din aane wale hain naheen achche din aa chuke hain“, she added

Meanwhile, after this Trump statement, Nivesh is even more confident of India growth story and has put in additional six lakhs rupees into Indian stock markets eyeing 50000 on the Sensex sooner than he had thought.

Govt says, can’t allow Google Street View as world will see our Paan spit painted roadsides

New Delhi: Recently some media reports mentioned that the Indian government may not allow Google’s Street View to run on Indian roads. Though the reason being given is the security risk for the country, our sources told us that this is not the only reason.

Painting in progress

Other than Ministry of Defence, Ministry of Tourism has also put forward its objection to street view. One of the senior officials from tourism ministry who was involved in drafting the objection spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. He said, “India is a country which is unique in many ways. You can see how our roadsides are nicely painted in red by our paan (betel leaf) chewing public. We want to keep it our best kept secret.”

Elaborating it further he said, “Once you chew paan, you have to throw the waste somewhere, it is a basic necessity. India is a huge country and our people are always on the move, we cannot have so many dustbins for this purpose. Look at the sense our public has, instead of wasting the red colored saliva here and there, they make a concerted effort to spit it on the roadside walls and footpaths. Over a period of time, without any investment from government these walls and footpaths look nicely painted with red color. Please note all these are organic color , hence no objection from our environmentalists either.”

“We did a recent study as part of Incredible India campaign. We were amazed to find that each wall has a unique pattern and design of its own. Most of us look down on people who eat paan and paan masala but evidence suggests they are very creative lot. In a way they have ensured our tourist places look more incredible than they are. By not taking any action government is encouraging more and more paan chewing people to showcase their spitting skills on our roadside walls especially around tourist attractions” added the official

“Our worry is, other countries might replicate this model as this involves zero investment by public exchequer. To avoid this copying, recently we have applied for a patent. Once we have it, we do not have any objection in granting permission to Google Street View”, said the official

The official said, “This is not the only reason to ban street view. Few years back, as part of a pilot project we had allowed Google Street View to cover few historic monuments like Qutub Minar, Red Fort, the Varanasi riverbank etc. These historic monument walls are like notepad for our public to write something. Somewhere it was written, Anjali loves Rahul, then somewhere down the road Rahul loves Tina which Street View captured. Due to this, few breakups also happened. We want to avoid such unpleasant situations, We have requested people to write something unique like their mobile number, email id or FB profile against their name when they write on the historic monuments. Once people start following that, street view may be allowed.”

Meanwhile, a test vehicle sent by Google to capture street view is stuck for past 2 days inside a pothole on a Bengaluru road.

Passenger checks in his long legs with baggage to sit comfortably during flight

New Delhi: Owing to less legroom between the seats in economy class of an Airbus, a passenger was asked to drop his legs at the check-in counter in order to sit without any trouble during the course of the flight.

Bhawani Shankar, a 6 feet 2 inches tall guy, was flying from New Delhi to Bangalore in a private carrier where he was asked to submit his long legs along with his baggage at the check-in counter.

File photo of Bhawani traveling with his legs

The legs dropped were over and above normal baggage limit and were charged at the rate of ₹300 per kg, overall costing him twice as much as the budget airlines ticket.

Speaking to Faking News, a member of the airlines staff said, “We see tall passengers shuffling in their seats all the time during the flight trying to fit their legs in the tiny space we provide. Sometimes they raise their legs in the air, sometimes they leave them out in the aisle tripping our cabin crew. It inconveniences not only them but other passengers around them too. Now we can’t increase the legroom in economy section so we had to think out of the box. We came up with this unique proposal of passengers checking in their legs with the baggage and collecting them after landing”

On asking Bhawani that how did he feel, he said, “Initially it sounded very weird to me but later on I realised that sitting uncomfortably would be more painful than chopping my legs off. Thanks to the medical advancements, this was very painless and once I collected my legs from the conveyor belt after landing, I got them attached back to my body easily. Even the alignment is better now. For a moment it felt as if somebody has snatched my mobile phone from me and made me permanently disabled, but thankfully that wasn’t the case.”

As a courtesy, the airline staff took him to the Airbus from check-in counter in a wheel-chair and kept telling him that he looks as dashing as Amitabh Bachchan in Wazir.

Yuvraj Singh applies in TCS after being on bench for 2 T20s

Melbourne: Gaining the requisite work experience to be a part of software giant Tara Competency Services, Yuvraj Singh is all set to join the company after warming the bench for two consecutive T20s against Australia.

I am joining TCS, you want to keep my bat?

Looking for an alternate career, Yuvraj was going through various job profiles on Naukri.com where he mentioned his previous job experience of ‘being on bench’ which directly redirected him to TCS job portal.

The HR of the company has considered his Resume and may take him on rolls once he is back after gaining some more experience from onsite benches.

Talking to the HR of the company in their late working hours of 4 to 6 pm, she said, “See our company always has underutilized manpower every year. Yuvi wanting to become a part of our organization will not only increase our brand value, but also he won’t be facing any troubles sitting on bench for good two years as he’s already handling it quite efficiently.”

Meanwhile, Yograj has compared Dhoni with an onsite Senior Manager who takes all the credit from client by solving all the issues by himself and overshadowing his juniors by not allowing them to perform.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Inspired by MCD workers, disgruntled IT employee dumps garbage outside his boss’ cabin

Bengaluru: A senior programmer working for a major IT company in the city was fired from job after he emptied the trash can outside his boss’ cabin.

The protest that inspired Karthik

Karthik Iyer, who worked with IT major Binfosys, was not happy with the way things were going professionally, and decided to express his displeasure in the ‘out of the box’ way.

Apparently, Karthik was promised a raise and change in designation by his boss, but that did not happen even after him putting in 16 hrs at work.

“When I saw news reports on TV about the condition of MCD workers, I realized that I was no different from them. Their unique way of protesting inspired me and I collected garbage from all trash cans in office and piled them outside my senior managers cabin,” he said.

He was also miffed with the HR manager for not addressing his issue. “I don’t know what is wrong with the HR dept. When I joined the company I was treated like how Congress party treats Rahul Gandhi and now they are treating me like Kejriwal. None of the overtime due to me has been credited to my account. My reimbursements have also not been authorized,” he said with a hint of dejection clearly visible on face.

Karthik may no longer be part of Binfosys, but his actions have struck a chord with many IT workers across the country. Many of whom took to social media to diss their seniors.

“It is the same story in every IT company. Had I been in the same situation as Karthik, I would have thrown garbage at my boss instead of just keeping it outside,” said another IT worker, under condition of anonymity.

Ahead of Dangal release, Amir Khan plans Maha-Episode of Satyamev Jayate focusing on tolerance

Mumbai: After looking at the box office report of Dilwale and review ratings of Barkha Dutt’s book, stakeholders of movie Dangal are feeling like the Cows sitting in the moving conveyor belt of a ‘Intolerant’ slaughterhouse.

All set for Satyamev Jayate

More painful is the realization that the belt was set in motion by their own co-producer and lead actor Aamir Khan.

However, our sources have informed that Aamir Khan has just found an ‘Emergency Brake’ that will save them from becoming ‘Beef’ at box office. For starters Aamir Khan has issued the clarification on his ‘Intolerance’ remark.

Going forward he plans to produce an emotional tear filled episode of Satyamev Jayate, sponsored by SnapDeal where Aamir will present lofty examples of ‘Tolerance’ shown by common people from various parts of India.

Shaitaan Khopdi™ asked Aamir about what made him shoot for a fresh new SMJ episode when he is already busy with Dangal’s shooting.

Aamir said, “Bas ye samajh lo ki Dil pe lagi, to bat bani” while signing ‘SnapDeal – Ye hai Dil ki Deal’ ad contract with revised terms and conditions emphasizing on what a brand ambassador should avoid saying in public.

Through this SMJ Maha-Episode, Aamir Khan will try to erase the memory of his controversial talk show which was held in November 2015. Aamir will also include some of his own dialogs to improve his image drive home the point, such as:

Main apne mulk ko apna ghar samajhta hoon. – ‪Sarfarosh
Phir kabhi kisi Salim se mat kehna … yeh mulk uska ghar nahi – Sarfarosh
Koi bhi desh perfect nahi hota, use perfect banana padta hai. -‪RangDeBasanti

Readers may recollect that Aamir Khan sparked national outrage last year when he told, that his wife fears for his kids and is thinking to leave India. Since the occasion was to celebrate Ramnath Goenka Awards for excellence in Journalism, our mainstream media took it upon themselves to showcase their brand of journalism.

It was the perfect example of our media’s day to day job that included twisting statement, quoting them out of context and sensationalizing news to get TRP even if it hurts the country’s image. So a statement which had no mention of word intolerance was put in ‘Intolerance’ template and headline was made – ‘Aamir joins intolerance debate’.

Before Aamir could say ‘Intolerance’ media had sold him for cheap TRPs like ‘Panipuri’ is sold on ‘Chaat ka thela’. Earlier Barkha Dutt had given Birthday gift to Shahrukh Khan by dragging him in ‘Intolerance’ debate and single handedly ensured that no amount of flying Mahindra Scorpios could save Dilwale from sinking at box office.

Poor SRK didn’t get any time to react/clarify his stand. But thankfully Aamir has learned from SRK’s mistake. He is now ready to do whatever it takes to ensure profit for the stakeholders.

Friday Faking Release – Buddha Hoga Tera Baap (*ing Ashish Nehra)

At 37 years of age, most people believed Ashish Nehra is too old to play international cricket again. They were suggesting that Nehra should play Masters cricket instead but Nehra is out to prove them wrong. By forcing his way back into the Indian team, Ashish Nehra proved that if you are good enough, you are young enough. How will his comeback turn out? Will Nehra make it to the World T20? To find the answers to these questions, see Ashish Nehra’s answer to his critics, this Friday’s Faking Release, Buddha Hoga Tera Baap

Excessive popularity of Roadies costs Chandigarh a place in Smart Cities list

Chandigarh: Union Urban Development Minister Venkaiah Naidu on Thursday announced the names of the first 20 cities selected to be developed as smart cities and one surprising omission was Chandigarh. India’s first planned city failed to make it to the coveted list and now the ministry has given the reason behind it, Reality Shows like Roadies!

Welcome to Roadies

Answering a question from a Chandigarh based Faking News reporter, a Ministry official said, “Come on man. How can we call a city smart when it is full of hardcore Roadies fans? The city has become synonymous with that dumb show now. To call such a city smart will be cheating with all the other cities in India. We couldn’t do it.”

Chandigarh is one of the most popular destinations for the MTV reality show Roadies and always gets one of the highest representations in the show.

“The city is not showing any signs of changing its path. After Roadies, even Splitsvilla, which is an even dumber show than Roadies, attracts many Chandigarh youngsters. If the nonsense of these shows wasn’t enough, this time even Bigg Boss saw a Chandigarh guy winning, thus ensuring its popularity in the city. We can’t make such a city smart bhai, humse na ho payega”, explained the ministry official.

This decision has fueled a debate across the city with many youngsters protesting against the ministry’s decision.

We met several such youngsters on the streets of Chandigarh for their reaction to this news and got some interesting answers. A young man named Sitara Singh thundered, “Ashraf Ali, your cities may be smart, we have no problem with that but our Roadies was Smart, is smart and will always remain smart!” While another young man Simarpreet told us, “Smart cities may or may not be developed as planned but Roadies is guaranteed to come back next year, what else will Ranvijay do? We don’t care for this unpredictability of smart city plan, Roadies is enough for us.”

Not everyone in Chandigarh was willing to give up on the Smart City tag though. A Panjab University student Jyotsana told us, “I think we should take it as a Roadies task. We have to prove it to the ministry that we have the fire, passion and determination in us to be called a Smart City. Once we execute this task, they will accept that we have it in us.”

Meanwhile, Chandigarh, Punjab and Haryana administrations all started blaming each other for screwing up Chandigarh’s chances in Smart City list before they were reminded that all of them are run by BJP+Allies.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Govt. provides 425 medicines under Jan Aushadi Scheme but leaves out cough syrup, Kejriwal cries foul

New Delhi: Government’s ambitious Jan Aushadi Scheme that is aimed at providing 425 generic drugs to the people is already facing criticism from Aam Aadmi Party, which has alleged that BJP Govt. is practicing discrimination.

Kejriwal all set for the ‘cough fest’

Apparently, Govt. has no given any clarity on the inclusion of cough syrups in the list of drugs to be part of the list, which has got Arvind Kejriwal questioning its intention.

Speaking to Faking News from Benaglauru, where he is attending a 10 day naturopathy course to treat his chronic cough, Arvind Kejriwal said, “I am not surprised that they have done something like this. They know that I am suffering from cough for the last couple of years and they have chosen to leave out cough syrup from the scheme. If this is not discrimination then what is?” he questioned.

“Abhi kuch dino ke liye mai Bengaluru mein hu. Jab Delhi jaoonga toh hum dharna karenge. Modiji must answer,” he added, amidst persistent coughing.

Sources close to the Delhi CM have also revealed that Kejriwal, after his return to Delhi, is planning to put up giant speakers outside PM Modi’s house, turn up the volume, and cough into the microphone. Ashutosh and Kumar Vishwas are expected to join Arvind Kejriwal

“This is the only way to get their attention. In fact, all AAP members suffering from cold and cough are expected to converge at PM’s residence and ‘make themselves heard’. We are also planning to make an ad on this,” said Ashutosh, as he practiced a few coughs.

BJP dismissed the threat and said there was no reason to worry at all. “These AAP guys can go on with their ‘cough fest’ for as long as they want. Modiji hardly stays at his official residence. Its common knowledge that he is more outside the country than inside,” guffawed BJP spokesperson Sambit Patra.

Afridi to lead Pak’s U19 World Cup campaign after retiring as T20 captain

Dhaka: Pakistan’s U19 cricket team at the ongoing ICC World Cup got a major boost on Thursday when it got some much needed fresh experienced blood in the team in the form of evergreen youngster, Shahid Afridi.

Afridi- The evergreen youngster

After being labeled as a pathetic T20 captain by some media publications recently, Afridi expressed his disappointment on Twitter and announced another one of his retirements from senior cricket with immediate effect. After making the announcement, Afridi made the Pakistan cricket board aware of his availability for the Under 19 World Cup and was immediately selected.

This is not the first time that Afridi has retired from international cricket but this is the first time that he has stepped back to his appropriate age group cricket. While most experts believe it is another one of his usual retirements and he will be back for World T20, a few believe that International cricket may have lost Afridi for good to the Under 19 game.

Veteran Pakistani commentator Rameez Saza commenting on the issue said, “Well he is only 16 and has a few good years in the Under 19 game ahead of him. Why should he rush back to the international game? He can easily play the next Under 19 World Cup as well. You never know with Afridi, he is so unpredictable that he can play 10 more Under 19 World Cups.”

“The team lacks experience and Afridi’s 19-year experience in international cricket should come in handy”, said the junior cricket team’s manager Ali Zia. “Not only have we found a good experienced cricketer but we have also found someone suitable to be the team captain as he is very fluent in English”, Mr Zia smiled.

The move is surprising because World T20 is due in India in March and Afridi was supposed to be a big part of the Pakistan challenge there. When our reporter asked Afridi whether he doesn’t want another chance to play India in India, he smiled ruefully and said, “What is the point. They will not let us win. Their hearts are still small.”

Chinese President Xi Jinping sends his army to Arunachal after hearing India accepted President’s rule

Beijing: Chinese President Xi Jinping has applauded Indian Government for finally accepting President’s rule in the state of Arunachal Pradesh. Mr. Jinping has already dispatched a unit of People’s Liberation Army to Itanagar to secure all the Government establishments and commence his rule in the region.

Image from Itanagar

Earlier in the week, Indian Union Cabinet had recommended President’s rule in the state of Arunachal Pradesh which was accepted by Indian President Pranab Mukherjee. However, news reports didn’t clarify which President and now the Chinese President is taking advantage of that confusion to press his claim.

Arunachal Pradesh is a long standing dispute between China and India with China claiming that entire Arunachal Pradesh belongs to them and India insisting that it is an integral part of India.

In a press release, Mr Jinping has thanked Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and his cabinet for this friendly gesture and has promised to decrease Chinese incursions in Ladakh by 50% in return.

This development has created a huge political furore in India with opposition parties attacking Narendra Modi Government. “56 inches gave away every inch of Arunachal”, tweeted senior Congress leader Digvijay Singh. While a CM of some state from North East voiced concern whether they will be the next state to come under Chinese rule.

Meanwhile in Beijing, President Jinping is looking hopefully towards J & K where President Rule is looking increasingly likely.

Neighboring Pakistan is also looking at these developments with interest and is checking whether there is any area in India under Army rule so that they can stake a claim to it.

Similar to Ola Share RayBan to start sharing service, no need to buy if you only want to wear them for twitter and FB pics

Bentonville: Global eyewear company RayBan today announced that it will be soon starting rental and sharing services for the benefit of those who want the eyewear only for clicking pics which they can later upload on FB and twitter.

RayBan Share android app

Speaking to Faking News the Chief Executive Andrea Gurrea said, “We have observed that a lot of people use RayBan glasses especially aviators to click pics and use them as profile images on social media. In fact, our market research tells us that almost 90% of all RayBan pictures are clicked in front of the mirror and used on social media.”

“We want to increase our market and reach out to those people who buy fake RayBans to impress their friends. So we have come up with this rental service. Where you need to pay only when you use the eyewear,” he added.

The new service will be called ‘RayBan Share’, similar to sharing service started by radio cabs.

The announcement by the company gave hope to many FB and twitter user in India especially engineering students who are constantly trying out new profile pics, hoping that their friend request to random girls will be accepted.

“Earlier I had to borrow aviators from my friend every time I wanted to click profile pics. There were times when I also photoshopped a RayBan on my face just to look cool. Hopefully I will have better options now,” said a social media addict studying Mechanical Engineering in Chennai.

However there were many who were not happy with the rental plans. “I spent around 4k on these original pair of RayBan aviators just a few days back. Hoping that I will look different and will be able to separate myself from the crowd. Now all these ‘engineering dudes’ will take eat into my market share,” said a disgruntled RayBan loyalist.

Meanwhile, some had mixed feelings over the announcement with ‘buyer’s remorse’ creeping in. “Having spent a bomb on them, I used to wear my RayBan 24/7. My friends used to call me Karunanidhi junior. Now I feel like I have wasted my money,” said Karthik, a techie from Bangalore, as he logged on to olx.com to look for a buyer for his aviator.

After Mumbai Police, these police departments also take to Twitter to show their funny side

After looking at the popularity of Mumbai Police on Twitter, many other police forces have been inspired to use social media in an informal fashion instead of posting boring official updates. Police departments from across the country took to Twitter to show that they can be “cool” too like their Mumbai counterparts. It led to a series of strange tweets from all police handles that left Twitter users bemused.

1. Delhi Police

Delhi Police ke Thulle

2. Kolkata Police

Kolkata Police- Poriborton Please

3. Chandigarh Police

Chandigarh Police- Roadies Salute!

4. Bengaluru Police

Bangalore Police- Police ne tumhe Traffic Jams se gher liya hai

5. Punjab Police

Punjab Police/Accomplice

6. Bihar Police

Bihar me bahaar hai, Police yahan Shaandaar hai

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

We are not dropping cases, Lalu is returning those to protest against intolerance: Nitish

Patna. Clarifying the issue of a spate of police cases against Lalu Yadav and his party men being dropped by the Nitish government, Bihar Chief Minister has clarified that it not a case of case dropping but “Case Wapsi”.

Nitish welcoming Lalu returning police cases

“BJP is spreading rumors. We are not dropping any cases. This is a democratic way to protest against rising intolerance,” Nitish Kumar claimed.

“Lalu ji has been pained by rising intolerance in the country and he loved the ‘award wapasi’ campaign, which we think helped us in Bihar elections,” the Bihar CM explained, “To show his support for the campaign, Lalu ji too wanted to return awards, but he didn’t had any.”

“However, he had a lot of police cases against him and his party men, which in retrospect we think are awards for doing his kind of politics, so he decided to return those,” Nitish cleared the air.

Nitish Kumar further said that these ‘Case Wapsi’ or ‘FIR Wapsi’ will continue till every part of India, especially Bihar, becomes completely tolerant.

“We still have people in Bihar who are showing intolerance when we ask for some chanda or protection money,” an RJD leader complained, “I am sure the government will do something about this by supporting this Case Wapsi campaign launched by our Lalu ji.”

Latest reports claim that Lalu Yadav was looking at the Fodder Scam files and consulting astrologers to find an auspicious date to return that case as well.