Faking News - leading news satire website of India: October 2015

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Realizing it’s the biggest tech challenge, IITs to offer diploma in Screen Protector Installation for mobiles

New Delhi: As soon as you buy a smartphone, a smarter one emerges. This statement holds good in regard to the contemporary evolution of mobile phones across the world. But this is not the only challenge related to smartphones.

Everyday thousands of people purchase new smartphones ranging from the posh Apple and Samsung to middle-class Micromax and Xiaomi. The buyers protect their phones like babies from the moment they purchase it.

The happiness of having purchased your favorite smart-phone lasts only until the moment of screen protector installation arrives. It is at this point a lot of buyers face difficulties in installing protectors on the delicate screens of their phones.

It’s an art, apart from being technological requirement, to install the screen protector.

They’re often found disappointed and stressed, sometimes due to a wrong angle and sometimes by perspiring efforts to drive the air-bubbles out of the region between screen and the screen protector. If a boy is installing a protector on behalf of his girlfriend, the need to get it perfectly becomes very crucial to the phone and the relationship.

Well, the times of suffering are now coming to an end with technology enthusiasts and staff from the Indian Institute of Technology vouching for a diploma course in installing screen-protectors.

Our market experts say Post Graduate Diploma in Screen Protector Installation (PGDSPI) is a brilliant idea to make the buyers stress free and simultaneously play a role in decreasing unemployment by giving “Certified Screen Protector Professionals” to the nation.

Faking News spoke to a contributing senior student at the IIT and he confirmed the development.

“I change smart-phone every 6 months and I really know the pain of installing these protectors. During our leisure time in the hostel, we have come up with various innovative techniques that would simplify the process to a surprising level of ease. A few days ago, one of our friends installed an iPhone 6 tempered glass screen protector within 2 minutes!” said Akash as he appeared excited with the progress of their ideas.

“At this point, we decide to take it forward to the higher authorities. The authorities are now in discussions with the central ministry to extend the collection of techniques to a technical diploma course. This would increase employment opportunities for those who are in real need of jobs.”

“The qualification to enroll into this course would be minimal: ability to read and write, use smart-phones and optionally, previous experience in performing technical work, to name a few. However, this is still under discussion, as lack of formal education could become a controversial issue and it could get marred in politics,” ended Akash.

Bengaluru man called a Northie in Australia, Delhi man called Southie in Russia, both in state of shock

Multiple Locations: Y.K. Chandrashekhar Gouda, a techie from Bengaluru who is on a company assignment in Melbourne was in a state of shock when a local resident called him a “Northie” and asked him to behave down under in the south. Gouda apparently could not just comprehend the geographical slur and was in a state of shock for the next 2 hours.

In a similar incident, Parmeet Todhi, an apparel businessman from New Delhi who is on a recreational tour to Moscow was referred to as a Southie and was told to learn the ways of up-north.

Confused moral compass of people after incidents

Gouda later told a local newspaper, “Yes it was a racial slur. Someone discriminated against me on basis of my ethnicity, my origin. But what was more shocking was that the person called me a Northie. This is the word which I have actually used against many other people all my life. I feel like I am having an identity crises.”

Parmeet also talked to an online daily and narrated the whole incident, “I was taken aback! I was shocked. But more than that I felt the pinch of the word Southie. I have used similar slurs to mock others, a good taste of my own medicine perhaps.”

Noted sociologist Mahishmati Kar agrees that reported cases of geographical racism are growing in numbers among the world population. She said, “As more and more people are traveling within and outside their own countries they encounter more and more Xenophobic people. Such behavior gives rise to geography based slurs. However while using these slurs people forget that directions are relative. You could call someone a ‘westerner’ but be mindful that for the person, who stays to your east, you are also a westerner. Technically speaking only people at the tip of North and South pole can use words against others which won’t be used for them.”

While both the individuals Gouda and Todhi have not decided to press racism charges they have decided to cut short their trips and return to the home country.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Friday Faking Release: Heroes (*ing Parvez Musharraf, Hafiz Saeed, Osama and Lakhvi)

They are the heroes that Parvez Musharraf has been talking about. They are an inspiration to the youth of Pakistan. Revered by the people of and feared by the enemy. This Friday we present the Heroes of Pakistan: Osama, Hafiz Saeed and Zakir Rehman Lakhvi.

Male passengers protest against Indigo airlines for not allowing ‘woman in short dress’ to travel

Mumbai: In an unusual display of solidarity a group of male passengers aboard an Indigo flight returned their flight tickets and protested inside the aircraft by wearing black bands across their mouth, as a mark of protest for not allowing ‘woman in short dress to travel’.

Indigo airlines skirting with problems

A male passenger who was part of the protest spoke to Faking News and said, “I was witness to what happened on the flight. This is not the way to treat a woman with short dress. At least they should have thought about all the male passengers before deplaning her.”

“We stand for the freedom of women to wear what they want especially short dress. I mean what is going on in this country. This is dictatorship at its worst. We should respect the dignity of women and let them choose what they want to or don’t want to wear,” Abhishek Sanghvi, an IT professional added.

“Saw her at the lounge and since then have been holding my belly in and now they deplane her for some flimsy reason. This is not just an attack on freedom of women, it is an attack on feelings of men too,” said another protester who didn’t wish to be named as he tried hard to catch his breath.

The airlines in its defence has said that it was just going by the rule book which states that staff and their kin have to follow dress code. However, this argument too didn’t go down well the protesters. “Why different rules for staff and their kin? Ye parivarvad hai,” said a politically well connected protester.

Women passengers however differed and supported the airline. “These men are good for nothing. I have been observing from the time that ‘woman in short dress’ entered the aircraft, these men have gone nuts. At least 10 men offered to help her keep her luggage in the overhead cabin and when I asked my co-passenger for help, he started lecturing me on women’s empowerment,” said Ms. Ghosh, a journalist who was livid for being ignored.

Similar stories were heard from other women too. “I tried chatting up with a guy sitting next to me but he wouldn’t reply and seemed to be furiously googling something on his smartphone. Aur jab uss ladki ne entry maari, ye aadmi google kam ogle jyada kar raha tha,” said another woman.

Meanwhile, the airline has said that it is a customer centric airline and will do everything to make customers happy. “As far as this incident goes our senior management is looking into it. In fact, just to show that we have nothing against short dresses, our Customer Head Mr. Khurana is planning to wear a short skirt that will end above his knees, to rest all apprehensions that our customers may have,” said a spokesperson for the airline.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

After ‘warranty period’ companies to now add a ‘when to remove the plastic covering on the product’ period

Mumbai: In a revolutionary move which could uplift the home decor of most homes all top home appliance and electronics makers are set to add a, ‘when is the right time to remove the plastic cover on the product’ period.

Don’t know when to remove plastic cover? check the date

Going along the lines of maintenance period which is essentially slapped on to ensure a smooth and seamless product functioning, this new period mainly focuses on preventing owners from making a fool out of themselves. Our industry expert Hamish Gadgetwala reports.

The period will vary according to the brand value of the product. Meaning if it’s your average Smartphone or appliance it will vary from 15 days to 2 months. But if it’s a cheap knockoff or an ‘abc keypad’ wala phone, the period would generally be: ‘before you exit the shop’ or ‘until you find the nearest trashcan’.

But in case of an iPhone it would be, ‘until they launch a new model’ then you can discard the handset itself as you are already crazy enough to buy one.

In case of car upholstery and seat covers it would be until everyone among your friends/family/neighbors/acquaintances has taken a ride or the relative/friend who farts too much won’t sit in your car again.

“I think it’s a good move to print the ‘expiry date’. Just got a new car and friends were telling me to get rid of the plastic seat covers. But then how would everyone know that I have got a car. Now with the expiry date printed, I don’t have to worry about when to remove the cover,” said Hardik Shah, a stock broker.

And also in case of the gifts one gives to your partner there would be: when you are fairly certain you won’t be required to return the gifts or if you do need to return them make sure you rip the plastic and labels off to totally deflate the buyback value.

Companies are now also coming up with liquid solutions to clean the equipment after the plastic is removed, so as to prevent the dust particles from being statically attached to it.

Chota Rajan is actually arrested for eating beef in KFC, Interpol reveals

Delhi: Chota Rajan, the underworld don, who was involved in multiple serial blasts, has finally got arrested for eating beef in KFC in Indonesia. Apparently, the arrest was triggered after intelligence sources received a tip-off that the Don was at a fast food outlet and having something that would make a strong case for him to be arrested.

Chhota Rajan arrested from KFC outlet

Indian Intelligence authorities shared with Faking News some of the inputs they received. “It was only on Monday, when we have got important critical information from Rajan’s arch-rival Chota Shakeel. The information says Rajan eats beef,” exclaimed Anirudh Sharma, Indian Intelligence Officer.

“Then, we immediately lodged FIR against Rajan and charged him under ‘Beef eating’ section 302.5, which enabled us with higher privileges to reach Interpol,” he explained with a hint of pride on his face.

Interpol senior officer Mike Anderson explained the adventurous journey in catching Chota Rajan.

“It all happened when I was using toilet in KFC at airport. I have got a call from Indian Intelligence saying that Rajan is in same KFC at that moment,” Mr. Anderson started explaining.

“We caught him red handed. We have found Rajan eating ‘Big Daddy’ Special Beef burger in KFC at Bali airport. We also cross checked his bill,” told Interpol Chief.

Though Rajan initially told Interpol that he was only eating buffallo meat, he later admitted eating beef after few hours of interrogation.

“It was a big mistake of my life. I should have ordered chicken tikka burger instead,” regretted Chota Rajan while talking to the Press.

Twitter immediately responded to the arrest, flooded with tweets from all over India.

“I used to like Chota Rajan, especially after watching some of Ramgopal Verma’s underworld films. I can’t believe he would commit such a heinous crime of eating beef. Now, I hate him,” tweeted Param Bhakt an Engineering student from Jharkhand.

Bollywood actor Irrfan Khan returns his National award, says angry because PM Modi not using Syska LED bulbs

Mumbai: The trend of returning awards has now reached a level where even Bollywood is not exempt. The latest addition to the list of award returnees is actor Irrfan Khan, who has returned his National award to protest against PM Narendra Modi.

Please use Syska LED bulbs

Apparently, the bollywood actor was not happy with the response he got for his ‘use Syska LED’ appeal. The actor took some time out from his schedule to speak to our reporter.

“Yes it is true that I have decided to return my award to protest against the dictatorship and intolerance I have experienced against the brand I am endorsing. Although, he(PM Modi) introduced a campaign to distribute LED bulbs, there is hardly any mention of me or Syska. Kab se keh raha hu be, tum badlo dunia badlegi. Par meri koi sunta hi nahi hai,” Irrfan Khan said in his typical nonchalant style.

“I am worried about India’s future. If mainstream actors like me are treated like this then what will happen of the common man. I also came to know that cops raided Kerala Bhavan and took a few people in custody after there was a complaint that Syska bulbs were being installed there,” he added.

“All that I have been reading in the newspaper for the last few days is artist returns, filmmaker returns, writer returns, mummy returns, singham returns and all that. So I thought I will also return,” he explained.

Irrfan’s rebellion has struck a chord with many bollywood personalities. Apparently, celebs are planning a protest march at India Gate holding LED bulbs in their hands.

Open letters were sent by many to PMO, expressing their anguish. “So many open letters have been addressed to us and awards returned in the past few months that we are now seriously thinking of starting a ‘Ministry of Open Letters and Award Returns’, just to deal with them,” said a source from PMO.

Meanwhile, there were some from bollywood who appeared to be desperate. Actress Ashmita Patel, who desperately wanted to join the bandwagon, was seen tweeting, ‘Can someone please help me find something which I can return’.

Meteorological department to record intolerance levels along with temperature and other weather parameters

New Delhi: In what is being regarded as an attempt to quantify the rising intolerance across India, the national met department has reportedly kicked off a new project ‘Patience’ aimed at facilitating the measurement of intolerance levels across Indian society.

A meteorological department employees

Project ‘Patience’ was inaugurated by an eminent poet cum historian turned activist from the capital region, who incidentally, was a victim of disenchantment caused due to his decreasing patience levels caused by untoward incidents happening in the nation.

Faking News decided to give the historian a miss and instead, spoke to the scientist Mr. Sridhar Sharma, who’d be developing the tolerance apparatus.

“Project Patience is aimed at creating a tolerant apparatus for measuring the country’s geographic patience levels, whose results, could later be used for selective maintenance of law and order. Developing this apparatus alone is not going to be enough, propelling this device un-harmed into the Earth’s orbit for continuous monitoring of tolerance would be the final target of this project,” said Mr. Sharma as a daunting task lay ahead of him.

“The magnitude of tolerance would be in degrees while unit of measurement would be called Sahitya. For example, if some film critic has returned the award, the tolerance level could be 10.92 degree Sahitya. As Akademi award returnees were the first to discover intolerance, the unit of measurement has been named after them,” ended Mr. Sharma as he left for design discussions.

The award returnees of recent times seemed quite happy as they heard about ‘Sabar’, the device for monitoring patience levels and appealed to people who haven’t returned the awards, to do so and indirectly show support to Sabar.

Our intellectual sources say, developing a device to measure tolerance levels is brilliant idea that even the great Tesla and unbeatable Einstein wouldn’t have got. Time will tell if ‘Sabar’ would really prove to be beneficial for managing law and order geographically; or one unfortunate day, break, when intolerance is at peaks.

Indian Bowlers now declared endangered species by WWF

New Delhi: Looking at the ease at which Indian bowlers were hunted by merciless poachers like AB Devilliers and Quinton De-Kock, during the last ODI, the World Wildlife Federation has declared Indian bowlers as endangered species.

The WWF declared that in the nation of 1.25 billion the species, bowlers are so few that even the percentage cannot be calculated. WWF is framing a new Act and launching a new program for their conservation ‘Save the bowlers’.

The new act will provide certain framework and set of regulations to help in their conservation and preservation.

WWF to declare Indian bowlers as endangered

WWF specified natural catastrophe like IPL responsible for the extinction of species like Indian bowlers.

Under the Act, now onward only batsmen would play cricket, bowling would be done by Robots and Bowling machines.

Batsmen can hit as many sixes as they feel but to take care of injustice to batsmen robots like Terminator, Chitti and Sir Ravindra Jadeja, won’t be allowed.

The bowlers would be incubated in special stadiums where batsmen would not be there to hunt them down and they would be bowling on empty pitches to get line, length and accuracy.

When they would cross the above mentioned stage of life cycle they would graduate into spin and speed. Then only those suitable would be allowed would be judged according to ‘Survival of fittest’ and the fitter surviving ones would be rehabilitated into natural habitat of International cricket and then only the relation between batsmen and bowler would be symbiosis and not parasitic.

Abstaining from toxic and polluting atmosphere like IPL where money is an abundance would lead to reverse adaptation and new upgraded breed would be ready to face predators later. Till the numbers of bowlers are restored a five-year term plan would be followed.

After the trial period of 5 years, when their numbers would start to replenish then new rules would be applicable. After that only one four or one six per over would be allowed and if a batsmen hits more than one boundary then he would be declared out.

Poachers like AB de-Villiers and Quinton De-Kock would be barred from entering no-poaching zones such as World Cup and bilateral series.

In this issue the ruling party BJP and Opposition parties led by the congress agreed for a scheme called as ‘Pradhaan Mantri Gendbaaz Bachao Yojana’ or Prime Minister Save Bowlers scheme.

Congress promised full support if the scheme is named after Rahul Gandhi since they don’t have a single scheme after Rahul Gandhi.

BJP did not wan’t to take any chances so they agreed for the name thinking that they would have somebody to blame if the scheme fails.

Under this scheme young boys who can bowl fast would be selected groomed and protected from this world. This scheme would be free for any caste /region based reservation.

Only reported obstacle is boys not registering for the scheme because of clause that they would not be allowed to play in IPL.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

IIT student throws black ink on Mark Zuckerberg, says lost grades due to wasting time on Facebook

New Delhi: Even as Mark Zukerberg was addressing a gathering at IIT Delhi, there were protests outside the auditorium by students against the Facebook founder and a student even managed to throw ink at him, causing embarrassment for the authorities.

Mark Zuckerberg addressing the crowd at IIT D

According to eyewitness a group of IIT Delhi students started protesting the moment Mark Zuckerberg entered the venue. They were upset because of their falling grades and blamed it on the time they wasted on Facebook.

“I remember playing FarmVille and Mafia Wars on Facebook the entire day, even when my exams were going on. Farmers are committing suicide and Mafia dons are caught and brought back to the country. Now I realize that I have ruined by future because of this Facebook addiction,” said Tarun Bhagat, a third year mechanical engineering student at IIT D.

Apparently, Tarun’s case is not an isolated one. Students from many Engineering and MBA colleges who were Facebook addicts when they joined college are now realizing that the time spent on FB has not added any value. “It’s not like I can show the number of likes on my FB post as achievement in my resume,” said a student of IIT Mumbai.

Ministry of HRD has taken cognizance of this issue and is planning to take some positive steps to address grievances of affected students. “We are checking if time spent on Facebook can be included as work experience on CV,” said Smriti Irani.

Meanwhile, reacting to initial reports, Campus Administrator KV Sharma said that some ‘anti-social media’ elements have indeed thrown black ink at Mr. Zuckerberg, but it is not yet confirmed if they really are IIT students. “I asked the security guards to bring the protesting students in my office for questioning. They didn’t look like regular IIT Delhi students. I mean they looked too old to be students. I think some FTII students strayed into our campus by mistake or they probably are Sena activists of some local wing,” he said.

Meanwhile, Uddhav Thackeray has denied involvement in the ink throwing incident and blamed the media for ‘painting the sena black’ every time an ink throwing incident is reported. “I am also harassed by these candy crush requests but I still wouldn’t throw ink at him for that,” he said.

Mumbaikar reserves one square feet of area in mumbai local to stand properly while traveling

Mumbai: As the trend of reservation in our country is increasing day by day, another incident has been reported yesterday where a regular commuter has reserved one square feet of area in a second class compartment of Mumbai Local.

Mr. Manjrekar happy with his achievement

Kirmesh Manjrekar, who travels daily from Andheri to Dadar, has done this peculiar act which fetches him a fix spot daily to stand during his journey, without any furious glares and disturbances from co-passengers.

Fed up of being unable to get a seat even in First Class compartment and stand improperly due to heavy rush while traveling to and fro for his work, this idea of reservation pitched into Kirmesh’s mind when he was listening to some Patel’s speech.

Talking to one of our reporters, Kirmesh said, “I have to fight daily to manage some breathing space in this jam-packed local. Numerous times I had quarrels with passengers pushing each other every now and then, even when the train is at halt. This daily torture had to be put to an end someday. So I took this bold step to mark an area near the door where I’d be standing. And mind you, I haven’t paid anything to TT.”

“As you know, getting space in Mumbai is a tough fight, be it in real-estate or in local. I couldn’t afford former, so went for latter. This way I can impress my prospective in-laws that I own a space in Mumbai,” said an excited Kirmesh while swiping his phone screen in left to right direction every single time.

Ritesh, who also travels from the same route, said,” I have noticed change in Kirmesh’s behaviour. Earlier, he had to fight for seat and now he doesn’t even bother to sit on the vacant seats. Also, he used to shout at people standing on the doors, blocking the entry-exit way but he himself blocks the way now.”

The move, in the end, is believed to be a positive one as it would reduce violence in terms of daily quarrels which the passengers face while boarding and alighting the lifeline of Mumbai.

Impressed by male passengers’ extraordinary staring skills, Delhi Metro to launch free Astronomy courses

New Delhi: In a move that could prove to be a huge boon for the ‘Skill India’ campaign recently kick-started by the Government, Delhi Metro is launching free astronomy courses for men who are exceptionally talented at staring at women for long duration inside the Metro trains. The project is being done in collaboration with the ISRO, India’s premier space research organization.

Now astronomy course for Delhi metro passengers

Talking about the motivation behind such innovative approach, the Chief Executive of Delhi Metro said one of the directors came up with the idea while reading successive news reports on recent achievements in space exploration by ISRO.

Faced with the enormous challenge of dealing with increased staring and harassment problem in the Metro, he immediately approached ISRO with the idea.

Process of admission of students for the first batch has already been initiated. Based on their staring duration and intensity, candidates are being categorized into ‘Distinguished Creeps’, ‘Creeps of Class I/Class II/Class III’, and ‘Creeps with potential’.

ISRO too seems excited about the collaboration. “Having reached Mars last year, our target now is to study distant stars beyond our solar system,” ISRO spokesperson said.

“However, to track orbital movements of distant stars, their continual observation is essential. Our telescopes are not sophisticated enough to perform this task. The state-of-art telescope that we have can only focus on a star for 13.4 minutes. But Class-I creep from the course has reportedly stared at a girl for 31.5 minutes right from Mandi House straight on till Badarpur without blinking even once,” he added with a grin.

“That’s impressive! I have never seen anything like that before. We hope after finishing the course they will join our space exploration centers,” he said with optimism.

Metro officials are still working out the mode of delivery of lectures. The last coach of every Metro train will be reserved for starers. Classes will be conducted through announcements during their daily commute.

Mr. Shakhi Nariman, the iconic voice behind the Metro announcements, has been roped in for the program. When we approached Mr. Nariman for comments, we found him at a studio recording lectures for the course. Some of the announcements we could overhear included, “Agla grah Mangal hai,yaha vayu, bhumi, aur jal ki talash kare, kripya sawdhani se tadiye,” he said.

Meanwhile, there has been protest from feminist groups against the decision of limiting the course only for male passengers. They argue that female passengers are equally talented at staring, albeit at clothes and shoes of other girls.

Delhi Metro spokesperson declined to comment on the issue, mumbling something about the ‘noise’ and ‘gossiping’ problem. However, he said, depending on the success of their first batch, course may be remodeled and expanded, adding philosophically, “After all, only when it’s dark enough, can you see the stars.”

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Dubsmash crashes due to over usage and excessive load

The trendiest App on the block Dubsmash is the newest fever in town. People of all age groups are losing their mind creating short video clips dubbed with famous sounds. Reportedly, the Dubsmash mania came to a sudden halt in India on Monday when the dubbing App crashed due to excessive load.

Investigations revealed that the over usage was a result of an ebullient chunk of people dubbing on Amazon’s Diwali sale jingle. The peppy tune has actually taken over listeners’ minds and has become the most popular hum of the nation.

A confused Dubsmash India representative said, “We’re unsure if we should be happy that more and more people are using Dubsmash now or worried about maintaining the stability of our platform while the whole of India is recording their versions of the Amazon Jingle.”

The jingle is going viral on Dubsmash with people wildly grooving to it or singing it vivaciously in their own videos. Even celebrities took to this platform to record their own clips dancing to this jingle. Famous choreographer, director and actor Prabhu Deva is seen rocking to this tune in a Dubsmash video with his son that he shared with his fans on Twitter.

Baap aur beta, shopping for everyone, Great Indian Diwali Sale only on @amazonIN #DiwalionAmazon http://pic.twitter.com/Ot18p0tti3

— Prabhudheva (@PDdancing) October 26, 2015

The other two celebrities who took to Twitter and posted their fun dance on the jingle are Shilpa Shetty and Sonakshi Sinha.

The two glamorous actresses are seen dancing and enacting to the jingle without inhibitions and totally enjoying the moment.

Just like in the TVC, the people have indeed gone fanatical over the tune and the sale we believe. The jingle is playing all over, right from the TV sets, radio stations to local trains. It has flooded the cities with its beats.

Hope Dubsmash finds a way to get out of a breakdown that a viral frenzy like this can cause. While people of India go dhadak dhadak to the jingle, the hope is Dubsmash hangs in there with more Dubsmash users flocking in to groove to the jingle.

Secret Bihar Election Diary: an election-specialist Tantrik feels left out

Dear diary,

I’m just back from another exorcism. I am so tired. Normal exorcism and shamshaan routine I can handle, but these additional extra election routines, they are kinda added workload. Political ghosts are more stubborn than the regular ghosts!

Many politicians have come to me for election jeeto puja-karm, virodhi-candidate kirya-karm and all that stuff. I don’t enjoy them, but that is where the real bucks are. Rumor has it that some tantriks are making as high as 21 lakhs per tantra-kriya for political parties! I feel left out.

Also, just heard that Nitish Kumar ji met some in-house tantric baba. Why didn’t he meet me instead? I am the best tantrik in Chhapra with a recognized brand name. Even foreigners come to me to learn tantric-sex. But desi people don’t understand me! Someone rightly said ghar ki murgi daal barabar.

He is ready to predict who will win Bihar elections

But how wrong is that now? Daal is definitely not equal to murgi, much more expensive. Daal is the food of the elites now. I bet no one saw “that” coming, not even us tantriks.

Coming back to politicians, frankly I don’t know why they are coming to us. Don’t people realize that we are not magicians? We can’t actually help them win. Well I hope they don’t realize that anytime soon, because that is where my pay-checks are coming from, but seriously, don’t they?

Let me tell you diary, I agree with Lalu ji when he says he’s the biggest tantrik. He uses words such as shaitaan, bramhpisaach, narpisaach and pretatma for Modi. He is good with words, and he may win with those. I am a fan of him. Let me tell you a secret, when I don’t get bones and skull to do my puja, I use Lalu ji’s photo instead, and it works.

I kind of like Nitish babu too. I know he has not done much but his smiling face is akin to a positive market sentiment. With him and Lalu in power, I think development will come to me. I will be able to order authentic skulls, bones, red and orange powders for my daily pisaach puja, right from the comfort of my home. No need for me to go get this stuff from jungle. Because Nitsh-Lalu will bring jugle raaj and development together.

All of these will be available online with free home delivery. I also pan to buy 10 thousand bucks worth BOSE speaker-set for a more realistic surround sound mantra-jap effect during my worship.

Although I’m looking forward to achchhe din, I am afraid competition is pretty high. RJD, JDU, BJP, Cong each of them are rumored to have their own in-house tantra mantra team. Even some independent candidates maintain veteran jungle-returned tantriks on their payroll. Plus, they all have ordered nazar suraksha kawach and yantras etc from telebrands.

If this goes on, I will have to start something entrepreneurial of my own one day. Or maybe I will join Skill India of Modiji. I am keeping all my options open you see.

Lots of plans in store dear diary, but not today, not right now, the chillum is taking affect. Let me leave for the 7th heaven for now.

Rahul Gandhi’s Thailand trip was an undercover operation to nab Chhota Rajan: Digvijay Singh

New Delhi: After news of Chhota Rajan’s arrest was revealed in the media, political parties as usual did not spare any effort in taking credit for the arrest.

Rahul Gandhi all pumped up to nab Dawood now

Although, BJP has said that Chhota Rajan’s arrest was due to Modi’s 56 inch chest and 56 trips across the world.

Senior Leader of Congress party, while speaking to the media said that it was Rahul Gandhi’s Thailand trip that eventually led to the arrest of the gangster.

Speaking to Faking News reporter he said, “Most people are not aware of this but Rahul Gandhi’s so called ‘secret vacation’ was actually an undercover operation to nab Chhota Rajan. Our intelligence agencies got specific information that the don was hiding in Indonesia and this was our only chance to nab him. So, we had a special session of Parliament to decide on whom to send for this mission and all parliamentarians unanimously agreed on Rahul Gandhi.”

If sources within the party are to be believed, Rahul Gandhi underwent intensive training for several months for this mission. “Rahul Gandhi’s absence was the Parliamentary discussion was because he was busy with the training session. He used to sleep in the Parliament during the day and at night he used to work out in the gym. If you have seen his speech at FTII, it’s hard to miss his toned muscles,” said Mr. Singh.

Sources also revealed that Rahul Gandhi was adamant that he should be made the Congress President only after he proves his worth. “Now, with the arrest of Chhota Rajan, the road for his elevation is clear. Hopefully, Congress trolls will stop making ‘Chhota Bheem’ jokes on Rahul Baba now,” said Sanjay Jha.

Congress party is also in touch with admin of rahulgandhiachievements.com and asked them to update the page with Rahul’s latest achievement.

Meanwhile, ruling party BJP has rubbished Digvijay Singh’s statement. “Giving Rahul the credit is just too much. Although, we don’t deny that they met in Bangkok because look at the way Chhota Rajan is smiling even after being arrested. Reminds me of Rahul Gandhi’s smile after Congress lost the elections,” said Sambit Patra, spokesperson of BJP.

Modi gives a money plant to Andhra CM, after giving soil and water at Amaravati

Delhi: PM Narendra Modi announced a special package for Andhra Pradesh today. The announcement came after backlash from people in Andhra who were expecting announcement of ‘Special status/package’ from Modi when he came to Amaravati for laying foundation stone.

Will a money plant replace special packages?

It is known that Modi left Amaravati, by just giving a mere pot of water and soil as a symbol for Centre’s support for capital development.

The Special package was announced in a press meet held in New Delhi today by Venkaiah Naidu on behalf of PM Modi.

“We understand the backlash from Andhra people, when Modi merely gave water and soil during Foundation ceremony. So, we came up with this Special package,” said Mr. Naidu by pointing a ‘Special Gift Package’ on his table at Press meet.

When asked about what is there inside the package, Mr Naidu replied, “It is a Money Plant. We understood that mere soil and water cannot help Andhra. So, we are giving a plant also,” he said.

“It is not an ordinary plant. This is a ‘Money plant’ given by Ramdev Baba which will generate money and prosper the city when it grows,” he added.

“Modi also wanted to give ‘Special Status’ to Andhra Pradesh. But, then we realised that AP is already in a special status called ‘Limbo Status’ after the state separation. So, we decided not to change its status, as we felt we can’t make it any worse,” said Mr. Naidu.

“BJP has fulfilled all its election promises and we do anything to make it possible,” he screamed answering a reporter’s question.

“For example, to fulfill ‘Acche Din’ promise, Modi had previously asked his Ministers to distribute ‘Good day’ biscuits to people,” he reminded.

“Similarly, we poured black ink on some rupee coins and brought from Switzerland, to fulfill ‘Black money retrieval’ promise,” he explained.

While Andhra BJP leaders are in confusion of what to do with ‘Money plant’, Bihar BJP leaders reportedly talking to PM office about clear details on special package announced in Bihar.

Nitish Kumar creates ‘Ministry of Sorcery’ in Bihar cabinet for the welfare of local tantriks

Patna: The Bihar cabinet has reportedly approved a new ‘Ministry of Sorcery’ for the state after chief minister’s recent visit to a Tantrik Baba for changing the results of assembly elections using sorcery.

Nitish Kumar after announcing Ministry of Sorcery

Nitish Kumar, the Chief Minister of Bihar from the past 10 years, is believed to have visited a Tantrik to somehow make him a victor using the latter’s magical abilities.

When Nitish visited him, Tantrik Baba thought it was a very good opportunity for him to open up on issues faced by him and left no stone unturned in conveying the grievances of tantrik community.

The tantrik community held a town-hall with the CM to address their issues.

Faking News reporters reached Tantrik Baba’s place to get more information and here’s what he said about the whole interaction.

“This is not the first time when people visit me for solution to their problems but definitely a first time for the head of a state. I offered him my advice but most of our conversation was about the issues Tantrik’s face in the modern world,” said a tantrik with a wide grin.

“Shortage of skulls has definitely been an issue for us. At-least we need ceramic ones or of some material that has greater endurance and longevity. Apart from this, we need specialized wands with battery operation. We’re tired of using the regular Mashaal oriented ones,” he continued.

“He said he would speak to Halloween manufacturers from America and make sure one huge lot, sufficient enough for the entire community, is supplied to Bihar’s tantrik’s every year,” said tantrik baba as he appeared enthusiastic about imported apparatus.

Sources say, Nitish has announced the ministry of sorcery, Tantra Mantralay in Hindi, even before his tenure ends as a chief minister to capture the tantrik vote-bank for the remaining phases of assembly election.

Time will tell if such antics would lead to a ‘supernatural’ victory or result in a disgraceful defeat.