Friday, May 31, 2013

IPL spot-fixing controversy to run as long as IPL

New Delhi. Investigating agencies and BCCI have confirmed that the whole IPL spot-fixing controversy will run over a duration of around 8 weeks, making it as long and entertaining as the IPL.


“It’s been just a couple of weeks, and we have just started,” Delhi Police commissioner told Faking News, “Our responsibility was to organize a grand opening ceremony, and we did that by arresting Sreesanth.”


Sreesanth

Unconfirmed sources claim that Sreesanth had offered to play the role of cheerleader as long as the spot-fixing drama tournament saga continues



Sources suggest that all these allegations, demands of resignations, leaked conversations, etc. are akin to league matches of the IPL.


“In fact, we are now into the play-offs,” a BCCI source revealed, “Sharad Pawar has already won the first qualifier match and now we are waiting for the results of the eliminator – whether N Srinivasan is eliminated.”


Sources confirm that BCCI rues the missed opportunity to get sponsorship deals for all these spot-fixing news. It should be recalled that long time back, Rajiv Shukla had proposed selling title sponsorships for various scams by the government.


“So much of TRP is being pocketed by the news channels while it rightfully belonged to the sports and movie channels where IPL is shown,” the BCCI source rued, “But we are trying to convince the government to pay us as it has helped them get public focus away from other scams. It will be a win-win situation for everyone.”



Deodorant ad on TV mistaken as Bharat Nirman ad

New Delhi. A man in his 20’s mistook a deodorant ad running on TV as a Bharat Nirman ad, sources tell Faking News.


“You can’t blame me!” said a visibly embarrassed Rahul Singh, “They were showing such surreal images that made an aam aadmi’s life look so easy and enjoyable; I thought it was one of those Bharat Nirman ads.”


Deo ad

The confusing ad



Rahul, who has never been able to impress any girl in his two decades long existence, was impressed when he saw hordes of girls running after a man after the man applied deodorant on his body.


“The message of the ad was – all you needed to change your life was a deodorant – isn’t that similar to Bharat Nirman ads where they show that all that was needed to change the life of a person was a mobile phone? I tell you, they were so similar,” the young man insisted.


Still reeling from this embarrassment, Rahul has demanded that Bharat Nirman ads should compulsively run a disclaimer so that they appear different from other TV ads that propagate exaggerated and deceptive claims.


“They should at least run disclaimers like – performed by trained professionals, don’t try to imitate – when they show poor people fighting with government babus and getting their rights,” Rahul demanded.



Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Kapil Sibal’s poems being used to torture Sreesanth and Chandila: Sources

New Delhi. The cricketers arrested in the IPL spot-fixing scandal – Ajit Chandila, S Sreesanth and Ankeet Chavan are being subjected to a cruel and unusual torture in police custody, our sources have informed us. They are being made to listen to poems recited by leading poet of India, Kapil Sibal, 24 X 7.


Speaking to Faking News, one of our informers said, “The cricketers are going mad. I don’t know how much longer they can withstand this torture. They have installed speakers inside their cells and are playing Mr. Sibal’s poems on loop.”


Kapil Sibal

Sibal was happy that finally his poems are being put to some productive use. He further said that Sreesanth could hire his lawyer son if the cricketer wanted to sue him for some damages.



“They had to take extreme steps because the cricketers were not revealing the names of other cricketers involved in fixing during IPL. Jail authorities had contemplated few other options too, one of them was making them watch Ishqk In Paris but the sight of Preity Zinta would not have been that great a torture. Another option was to make them watch Delhi Daredevils vs Pune Warriors but they were likely to start betting on that. Eventually, someone came up with the idea of Kapil Sibal’s poems and a consensus quickly emerged on the same,” he went on to add.


Jail staff and other prisoners have received earplugs which they use when they come close to the cricketers’ cells to avoid contamination of their brain.


Meanwhile, Sreesanth’s lawyer has threatened to go to court against this human rights violation. Speaking to Faking News he said, “What kind of barbaric creatures use a torture method like this? Don’t they have a heart? These cricketers are getting a treatment worse than the treatment you give to enemy soldiers. My client is so close to going insane and this need to stop ASAP.”


A group of Sreesanth supporters has gathered outside the prison to protest against this atrocity. When we asked one young man why he supports Sreesanth even after his involvement in spot fixing, he said, “What support for Sreesanth man? I just came to take a bath with the free water Delhi police provides to every gathering of people in Delhi.”


An example of Mr. Sibal’s work is given below. (Readers are advised to proceed at their own risk. Faking News will not be responsible for any damage caused)


The meltdown of 2009 /its genesis /mortgage, sub-prime;/ the financial world/ felt at a loss /global leaders met at Davos, /the mood effete /somber with gloom/ steps needed /to avert a doom,/ global markets in recession/ much like the 30s /Great Depression



Delhi CM promises uninterrupted power cuts this summer

New Delhi. Fed up of constant criticism about not being able to deliver on her promises, Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dixit today made a promise that she’s absolutely confident of delivering on.


Ms. Dixit announced that the city of Delhi will witness uninterrupted power cuts this summer.


“My heart bleeds for you every time I think of the hefty electricity bills you have to pay, from today onwards Na hogi bijli, na hoga bijli ka bill,” Dixit declared to a thunderous applause.


Sheila Dixit

Delhi will not see even one minute of electricity, CM promised and asked citizens to forget about it.



“Can you imagine how frustrating it can get when you are enjoying a candle light sweaty dinner with your family and suddenly the fan starts rotating – blowing off the candle and wiping off the sweat of a hard working aam aadmi? After many years of interruptions finally we will be able to enjoy nonstop power cuts,” a visibly happy Udaas Kalra, a resident of Rohini told Faking News.


Delhi has been witnessing frequent power cuts during summers for many years now. Last year saw blackouts and grid failures that helped the then Union Power Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde get promoted to the post of Union Home Minister of India.


Political analysts believe that by promising uninterrupted power cuts, Sheila Dixit has bettered Shinde’s record and could be promoted to the post of Prime Minister of India.


“They are already looking to replace Manmohan Singh and this could make Sheila Dixit the front runner,” a political expert claimed.


Political experts further claim that this will help Dixit sweep the Delhi assembly elections once again.


“BJP has failed to challenge her. Arvind Kejriwal was challenging her by joining electric wires to homes. Now there will be no electricity and Kejriwal will have nothing to join,” the political expert pointed out.


Even economists, including the current Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh, have hailed this move.


“The number of millionaires in Delhi will shoot through the roof considering no one will be paying electricity bills anymore,” claimed an economic expert.


Meanwhile there were major traffic jams in the city with thousands of electric and electronic appliances being thrown on the roads by happy residents. Some residents have gone creative and turned refrigerators into cupboards, while washing machines and microwaves have replaced coffee tables and chairs.


“Thank god for this decision now I do not have to buy the next playstation for my son,” said Mr. Saxena from Vasant Vihar.



BMC finds secret dance bars featuring mannequins

Mumbai. BMC (Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation) has claimed to find secret clubs and dance bars where mannequins perform wearing nothing but lingerie. The corporation has asked the state government to ban such bars to curb sex crimes.


Faking News could find one such club “The Teasing Eve”, which opened last week. It is home to two dozen full size “ex-retail” female mannequins sporting designer underwear.


Mannequin

Some of the most famous girls among the mannequin crazy men of Mumbai



“We never realized people would find these things so sexy,” says owner, Jayant Kapur, “but now we realize that not everyone is as comfortable with real women as we thought. Our regular customers include boys and young men who are otherwise awkward when interacting with real women.”


In the name of journalism, Faking News sat on a bar stool in the corner and watched groups of well dressed men go weak at the knees as mannequins in lacey panties “danced” for them.


“They don’t actually dance,” explained Radheyshyam, 63, who is paid to sweep the floor and “escort the girls”, “We found a load of old vinyl record players and bought the lot, so they just spin round and round.”


Before he could tell us more, he was called to deal with an angry customer who had bought champagne for “mannequin 12” (known as “Sonia”) and had slapped her when she “refused to drink it”.


“Customer interaction” is a common occurrence, explained Kapur. The previous week he lost one of his best “girls”. A customer wanted to marry her and Kapur, in the absence of some Chinese plastics factory worker, was the closest thing she had to a father.


“I agreed,” he told us, “I got 30 lakh rupees for her, but he was a local big man and I couldn’t refuse. I think he was in politics.”


He would not say which sena party and assured us that the mannequin was now “much more respectably dressed”.


“This is a characteristic of liquid hyper modernity,” said a passing sociologist, “Corruption, scams, spot-fixing, Sachin retiring… no one knows what to believe or what is real anymore.”


Faking News pointed out that our correspondents and most people we knew could spot a real woman from a piece of plastic at fifty paces, to which we were told “Yes, but you’re not in politics”.



Monday, May 27, 2013

IPL-7 will be a movie starring Sachin Tendulkar

Mumbai. The IPL series will continue despite the recent spot-fixing controversy, confirmed the BCCI. However, IPL 7 will see a small format change so that Sachin Tendulkar is visible even in the next season.


“The current 20-20 league format is very hard to sustain given all the controversy,” a BCCI spokesman told Faking News before the morning rush at his tea counter, “We can deliver all the drama and excitement without all this trouble by turning IPL 7 into a scripted movie.”


Sachin

IPL-6 was not be his last IPL



But writing the script is proving difficult. “We’re trying to make it exciting,” said writer Amit Jain, “but after the spot fixing scandal, drunken celebrities fighting security and late night rave parties, anything we write just seems a bit boring and predictable.”


The film will star a happily retired Tendulkar whose Padma Vibhushan is stolen by a many-faced fast bowling demon which has over-run the kingdom. The ogre then flees to a distant five star hotel. A huge battle erupts in which Sachin’s army of commercial sponsors and Rajya Sabha members defeats waves of book-makers and models to rescue the award.


Back in Mumbai, Sachin realizes cricket is his dharma and throws the award into the sea.


“We did consider a rags to riches story in which a hopeless team undergoes a magical transformation and wins the IPL,” explained Jain, “but then we saw the Sunrisers play and decided it was just too fantastical.”


Several Rajasthan Royals players have already signed up. “They say they’re going to need the money,” said Jain, “plus, they’re used to letting someone else call the shots.”


Some IPL fans have criticized the replacement of the two month long tournament with a single movie, claiming the film does not contain enough cricket.


“Cricket?” replied our contact at the BCCI, “The IPL has never had anything to do with that! If they were interested in cricket then they would be watching something else!”



Friday, May 24, 2013

Car with 5 wheels launched to take on Bajaj’s auto-rickshaw with 4 wheels

Lucknow. An automotive company in UP claims to have trumped Bajaj’s new quadricycle RE60. They have launched a car with an extra wheel on top and car calling it “Ulta Ultra”.


“The quadricycle is supposed to be better than the auto-rickshaw because it has an extra wheel,” says UU Motros’ CEO Jai Tiwari, “but it can only operate one way up. Our car not only solves this problem but has even more wheels than Bajaj’s, so it must be better.”


The Ulta Ultra has a fifth wheel on the roof which enables it to drive upside down. With traffic in cities becoming more aggressive, drivers need to “prepare for every eventuality”, the sales pitch goes.


Car turned turltle

If this car had a wheel on top, it would still have been running.



“Imagine, you’re late for work and you’re driving too fast,” Tiwari explains, “You hit someone on a bicycle and your car turns turtle! With the Ulta Ultra, you don’t have to stop; you can still reach the office in time – no skidding, no crashing, it’s a safety revolution. Even the cup holder rotates 180 degrees.”


“We think this is an excellent idea,” said UP Transport Policy head, Charan Tiwari, “We’re going to make the Ulta Ultra the mandatory taxi model for the entire state, chhotu has done us proud!”


Faking News asked whether taxis turning turtle really was a big problem, but were told that we were “anti progress” and that there had been a recent problem with journalists “suddenly turning turtle”. Several large men then entered the room.


Having declared the interview over, our correspondent quickly left UU’s shed in a field near Gorakhpur, in which the company bolts the spare wheels from burnt out Tata Nanos to the roofs of recently scrapped Ambassadors, and got the bus.


Ulta Ultra Motors would neither confirm nor deny rumors that they had sealed a contract to supply 500 “invertibles” to the military for INR3 crore each. However, they did confirm that they had high hopes for their invention in the “drunk driving market”.



Friday, May 17, 2013

Tusshar Kapoor accused of spot-fixing, took money to “underact”

Mumbai. After Cricket, it’s now Bollywood’s turn. In a shocking turn of events, following from the spot-fixing scandal in IPL, Tusshar Kapoor has been caught guilty in a spot-fixing scandal – a first in Bollywood.


Mumbai Police have arrested a bookie Tinda Kumar in a late night raid on his house. He was watching Tusshar Kapoor scenes from the movie Shootout at Wadala and making calls to various people from two dozen different mobile phones when the arrest was made.


He confessed to offering 50 lakhs to Tusshar Kapoor to “underact” for 5 minutes in the movie “Kya Super Kool Hai Hum”.


Tusshar Kapoor

The news has shaken millions of Tusshar Kapoor fans across the world



The entire Bollywood fraternity is in shock and is at a loss of words. Tusshar Kapoor though is apparently still missing and police are on a manhunt.


Celebrities have all gathered in Ekta Kapoor’s house and have offered their condolences to her. Sachin Yardi, the director of the “suspect” movie was quite stunned, “I never ever expected that our Tusshar bhai will be involved in anything like this. For a guy of his stature and talent, no one saw this coming.”


Reitesh Deshmukh, Tusshar’s co-actor in the movie was also a picture of sorrow. “Tusshar is a dear friend. I do remember him being hooked to his cell-phone every time the shoot was over. I believed he must be indulged with his girlfriend. But now I know, it was Tinda the bookie,” rued Reitesh.


Tinda Kumar let out more specific details about the fixing. Apparently, Tusshar Kapoor revealing his butt in a scene was the signal that spot-fixing was to follow. The next scene was the fixed scene.


The police showed the media clippings of that scene during the press conference. Though there weren’t any obvious differences in the scenes shown, they were all equally bad. Police showed further evidence of Tinda and Tusshar exchanging WeChat messages and Twitter DMs.


A very emotional Ekta Kapoor was kind enough to let us know her views: “This is a conspiracy against my brother. He will never do anything to hurt the sentiments of the family or Bollywood. Take a look at the scenes yourself. He has always been that pathetic good. I am sure there is Salman Khan’s hand in this.”


Fellow actor John Abraham was also among the thick of things: “I think it’s time to come out from the shell. I too was initially approached by Tinda to fix a scene in Force. But, it was against my morals. And anyway, it’s hard for me to give more than one expression in my movies. It was just not meant for me.”


In an exclusive, our Faking News reporter managed to catch Tusshar Kapoor on his Skype from an undisclosed location.


“Yes. I did accept money from Tinda to fix a scene in Kya Super Kool Hai Hum. It’s not that I get to act many movies anyway. I wanted to maximize my resources. And I was confident people won’t find out, but alas!” he confessed to his crime.


On being asked about his whereabouts, he said, “I am currently shooting for Golmaal 4, and will surrender once my shooting is over. Even Sanjay Dutt was given time, so I hope police doesn’t waste time in finding me.”


Meanwhile, sources confirm that many other movies are also under the scanner and more arrests could follow. However, some commonly acknowledged kings of Bollywood might not need to worry as “overacting” has not been identified as a form of spot-fixing.



Thursday, May 16, 2013

Bowlers to be replaced with bowling machines to stop fixing

Mumbai. Cricket will now officially be a batsman’s game. ICC has decided to do away with bowlers in the game and replace these fixing fellows with honest bowling machines.


“In the last few years, all cases of match-fixing or spot-fixing has seen involvement of either bowlers or captains of a cricket team. So we have decided to do away with bowlers, which also makes the role of a captain far less important,” ICC President Alan Isaac told Faking News.


Without being asked, Isaac clarified that the decision was taken independently and BCCI had not asked them to introduce this revolutionary and radical change in the basic structure of the game.


As a result, all first-class cricket matches played after 16th May will see batsmen hitting balls delivered by machines, something that is seen during the IPL as part of the “Super Sixes” competition.


“Cricket fans have hugely appreciated the Super Sixes competition and we think that fans, especially those in India, will not miss the bowlers,” the ICC President claimed.


Bowling Machine

The future of cricket – clean and compact



Sources inform that ICC considered other options too to eliminate the problem of spot-fixing, one of them being “Optimum Confusion Method” (OCM) suggested by mathematician-statistician duo Luckworth-Dewis.


OCM works by scrambling the order of the overs and balls bowled in a match, so that no one, not even the captain, knows which over is being bowled by which bowler until the end of the game. In fact, a single over could be bowled jointly by more than one bowler and thus bowler, acting independently, would not be able to fix the number of runs conceded in an over.


“We liked the solution, but it could have created too much of confusion and cricket would have found it difficult to find new fans and followers. So we opted for the simplest solution – no bowlers,” Isaac explained.


BCCI, not too eager to adopt technology on earlier occasions, has welcomed the ICC’s decision and has hoped that the step will clean the game.


“Bowlers are the problem. They are dirty guys who abuse batsmen, spit on grounds, rub their crotchets with balls, and indulge in other corrupt activities. This is a welcome step by the ICC,” a BCCI sponsored cricket expert and critic told a TV channel.


The only body to openly oppose the ICC’s decision has been PCB (Pakistan Cricket Board).


“Our core-competence include having good bowlers and leading in match-fixing. This step takes away both of those advantages from us. Pakistan will never accept it,” PCB President Asif Ali Zardari said.


But when Faking News called a bookie in Lahore, he appeared unconcerned by the new rule. “It’s just another machine and ball job,” he explained, adding that “Every roulette wheel in Vegas is fixed.”


Meanwhile, sources confirm that IPL has already started preparations to adopt the new rule.


“Each franchise will bid for a bowling machine at the start of the season in an auction. The top of the range West Indies 1975+ model, with a top speed of 100mph and built in reggae sound system, is expected to be the costliest machine in IPL-7,” IPL chief Rajiv Shukla said.


Shukla further informed that only limited number of foreign bowling machines will be allowed. Keeping with the IPL policy, machines manufactured in Pakistan will not be allowed at all.


(Some vital spots in the above report were fixed by Faking News correspondent Simon)



Wednesday, May 15, 2013

BJP to hold Chintan Shivir to find new ways of losing another election

New Delhi. With an eye on losing the 2014 general elections and give Faking News another chance to target Congress led government for its incompetence and corruption, the benevolent opposition party BJP has called a meeting of top party leaders to finalize the losing strategy.


“Advani ji will announce the dates and venue of the Chintin Shivir in his blog, which will formally launch our march towards achieving a hat-trick of general election losses,” a BJP leader told Faking News.


Ravi Shankar Prasad

“What’s the point of winning elections?”



Party sources confirm that after losing the 2004 elections – the reasons for which are known only to Sir Ravindra Jadeja, though many political experts claim to know the same – BJP decided to focus on developing core-competency in making Congress appear marginally better in comparison on the national level.


“Our strategy worked and we lost in 2009 too!” one of the poll strategists of the party recalled, “Despite terrorist strikes, cash for votes, and economic slowdown by the UPA-1, we managed to convince the voters not to choose us.”


“However, Congress decided to raise the bar as UPA-2. They have managed to look far worse – so much of corruption, arrogance, thoughtlessness, and general bullshittery all around. We have a big challenge to make them appear marginally better,” the strategist explained why a Chintan Shivir was needed.


The Shivir will find out innovative ways through which BJP can meet their target of third successive defeat in the general elections.


“We will have various discussions and sessions during the Shivir. Sessions such as ‘How to lose votes to Kejriwal’, ‘Has Manmohan Singh resigned yet?’, and ‘Rahul Gandhi jokes’ are being organized,” a BJP leader revealed.


“There is no discussion or session planned to elect a Prime Ministerial candidate,” the leader added, “Keeping the confusion going about the PM’s candidate is one of the key factors that we believe will help us lose the next election.”



UPA launches ad campaign to increase awareness about the identity of Indian PM

New Delhi. After launching “Bharat Nirman” ad campaign to spread awareness about their achievements during the last 9 years, UPA is all set to launch “PM ka naam” campaign to make everyone aware about the name of Indian Prime Minister.


UPA decided to launch this campaign after a recent survey carried out by Yadav & Sons revealed that only 3 % Indians correctly identified Dr. Manmohan Singh as the Prime Minister of India.


Same survey revealed that 21 % Indians named Sonia Gandhi, 17 % named Rahul Gandhi, 24 % named Rajiv Gandhi, and 33 % named Indira Gandhi when asked who India’s Prime Minister was. Balance 2 % (mostly viewers of Old Delhi TV channel) said that Nawaz Sharif had just become the Prime Minister of India.


PM, Sonia, Rahul

This picture was taken after the photographer apparently said, “Prime Minister of India, please raise your hand!”



To solve this information asymmetry, UPA has come up with a of 90-seconds commercial, in which it is repeatedly stated that Manmohan Singh is the Prime Minister of India. The ad is already running on the government owned NDTV Doordarshan, Faking News can confirm.


Response to the ad has been good with leading trade expert Kamaal R. Khan giving it 3 kisses.


Further, UPA is going to sponsor every dot ball during IPL playoffs and it will be called “Prime Minister Manmohan Singh Dot ball”. Leading experts believe it is a great marketing strategy as a dot ball goes well with the Prime Minister’s image. They argued that our PM does nothing, just like nothing happens on a dot ball.


Speaking to Faking News, self-proclaimed spokesperson of Congress, Sansani Jha said, “This is the great strength of Dr. Singh. He stays in the background and does all the hard work but never claims credit. That is why many people didn’t realize that he is their PM.”


He further went on to add, “This is not an ad campaign; this is more like an awareness campaign launched to benefit Indian citizens.” When asked how it will benefit the Indian citizens and from where are the funds coming for this campaign, he called us khakhi chaddi wala and walked away.


On the other hand, BJP has demanded the resignation of Dr. Manmohan Singh for failing to make people aware that he was the Prime Minister of India during his 9 year tenure as the PM of the country.


Meanwhile, Mr. Manmohan Singh has distanced himself from the post of PM and refused to comment further on this.



Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Hina Rabbani Khar to participate in Bigg Boss 7 after PPP debacle

Islamabad, Pakistan. Former Foreign Minister of Pakistan Hina Rabbani Khar, is reported to have agreed to participate in the upcoming season of the alleged reality show Bigg Boss.


She took the decision after her party PPP’s performance in Pakistan’s general elections turned out to be similar to that of BJP in recently concluded Karnataka assembly elections in India.


The young politician from across the border is being paid an undisclosed amount as participation fee, though unconfirmed sources put it up as equal to the cost of lakhs of her favorite Birkin bags.


Hina Rabbani Khar

Her party is out of spotlight, but she could be back in spotlight, experts say.



“Ms. Khar satisfies all the criteria that an ideal Bigg Boss participant should have – good looks, controversies, a decent knowledge of Hindi/English expletives words, and most importantly, a fair-skinned person of non-Indian origin,” a Colors TV official confirmed the news.


Sources tell Faking News that Shiv Sena has approved the participation and is very excited at the prospects of protest and agitation. Apparently the party wants to sign an exclusive vandalism deal with the channel to stop MNS from doing the same.


“We can’t promise an exclusive deal, but we have agreed to make them the leading partner for official protests in association with our news media partners,” the Colors TV official told Faking News.


“According to the deal, Shiv Sena will protest continuously for 5.25 days and will call off the agitation thereafter. In return, Sena will be assured of news coverage equal to twice the amount Ms. Khar is being offered, which makes it a win-win situation for all,” the official disclosed.


The official refused to comment if Bilawal Bhutto could be a wild card entry to the show.


Meanwhile former Foreign Minister of India SM Krishna has expressed his desire to meet Sunny Leone when she’s in the Bigg Boss house. Our sources confirm that he mixed up (again) between two different contestants.



Monday, May 13, 2013

When Rahul Gandhi was given a 1000-rupee note by a Chaiwallah

The man with chai ki kitli took out a thousand-rupee note from his weathered wallet. There was something about the resolve that inspired him to part away with almost a week’s earning.


For Rahul Gandhi, it was a potential life-changing moment, when Kaushal Singh, a chaiwallah, offered him his hard earned money to start a new business.


That was on April 25. The 42-year-old has since done nothing with the money he was given, has continued with the family business of politics, and has got an assurance of the post of Prime Minister whenever he is ready.


It all started when Rahul’s motorcade stopped at a traffic signal in Bhopal. “Chai kyun bechte ho? (Why are you selling tea?) Do you invest in stock market?” the Congress vice-president asked the man holding out a cup of tea.


Kaushal, who has been selling tea at traffic signals for twenty-two years now, said he went to a government school and wanted to be a doctor, but he had to give up his dreams and continue in his family business of selling tea.


Rahul Gandhi

Chance encounter brought some momentary hope



Kaushal’s grandmother was known as the town’s chai queen whose employees would throw salt in competitors’ brews whilst his great-grandfather was the famous as the first modern chaiwallah because he used a home-made gas burner.


He still keeps their pictures at the stall. “Sometimes I think people come because of them and not me,” he recounted his story to a riveted Rahul Gandhi in jeans and kurta, with whom he could strike a chord.


Forced into the family business, his dreams of becoming a doctor were dashed and his self-esteem suffered.


“You feel low sometimes,” his eyes welled up as Rahul Gandhi offered him a tissue paper. However, the chaiwallah refused the tissue paper and instead took out a thousand-rupee note.


Yeh rupye le leejye. Aap kuchh naya kijiye. Family business mein kuchh nahi rakha hai (Please keep this money and start something new. There is no fun in family business),” he told Rahul.


Those who were accompanying Rahul that day said he was moved. He took out his wallet and kept the crumpled 1,000-rupee note. A happy Kaushal blessed him. “I hope to see some change,” he said.


Rahul kept his wallet back in his jeans. “I will try my best,” he told the man, “I will remember what is in my genes and what is in my jeans.”


Then the motorcade moved on.


Rahul’s mother Sonia couldn’t believe her ears when her son told him about his brief interaction with Kaushal. “Baba, you actually met a chaiwallah while moving with z-plus security and he gave you this 1,000-rupee note?” she asked.


Someone called Digvijaya Singh suggested keeping the note as a souvenir.


However, Rahul Gandhi soon realized that politics was everywhere, in his shirt, in his pant, in his kurta, in his jeans. He dropped the idea of moving away from the family business.


And then Congress won Karnataka elections. Rahul Gandhi’s vision and leadership was applauded. Kaushal Singh’s advice and thousand-rupee note were seen as a liability.


Back in Bhopal, Kaushal was summoned to local Congress office, where he went with his son, who too wanted to be a doctor and not be trapped in the family business of selling tea.


Kaushal was hoping to hear some good news and tell his son to take inspiration from the youth icon who battled against all odds and left his family business to do something new.


But he was returned the 1000-rupee note that he had given to Rahul Gandhi. No interest was paid either. Kaushal was a little confused, and so was his son.


When the father and son looked up, brain fried in confusion, they saw a giant photograph of a smiling Rahul.


(the story idea was provided by Faking News correspondent Simon, and writing style was inspired from this awesome article)



Congress adopts property dealer who gave free land to Robert Vadra

Gurgaon. A day after Congress adopted a boy in Madhya Pradesh who gave free newspaper to Rahul Gandhi, the party has adopted a man – a property dealer in Haryana – who gave free land to Robert Vadra.


“Pappu Lamba will now be the official property agent of Congress,” a Haryana Congress leader announced.


“Although the party is not officially into real-estate business, we have decided to return the favor to Lamba, who gave 3 acres of land free to Shri Vadra and helped daamaad-ji grow his business by leaps and bounds,” the leader quickly clarified.


Robert Vadra

Vadra showing the symbol of his trust



Speaking exclusively to Faking News, Robert Vadra confirmed the development and said that it was in the blood of Congress to help those who have helped the party at crucial junctures such as Rahul Gandhi’s desire to read a newspaper.


“Of course, people like Narsimha Rao are exceptions; what is a rule without exception?” Vadra responded to a query by Faking News on why some people were not returned the favor.


He refused to comment when asked if Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was also an exception to the above rule.


Although Vadra is a “private citizen” not an official member of the Congress party, the step is being seen in harmony with the events seen a few months back when Congress leaders were out in open supporting his allegedly murky business deals.


“After all I’m part of the family, and the party definitely helps people who help the family, if not the party,” the son-in-law of Sonia Gandhi claimed.


To buttress his point, Vadra pointed to the case of National Herald – a newspaper Congress adopted because it helped Jawaharlal Nehru – and Pratibha Patil, who cooked and washed for Indira Gandhi and was adopted as the President of India.


Meanwhile Pappu Lamba is a happy man. After being adopted, he has expressed his desire to fly to Karnataka, the latest state to be ruled by Congress, to seal some land deals for Robert Vadra.



Saturday, May 11, 2013

Manmohan Singh joins Sehwag’s school as Economics teacher

New Delhi. After rumors of rift between Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh grew stronger, MMS (Manmohan Singh) has decided to join cricketer Virender Sehwag, who lost his place in team after there were reports of rift between him and Mahendra Singh Dhoni.


“Prime Minister sees a lot of similarity between himself and Sehwag,” a PMO source claimed, “Sehwag was the Vice Captain and Manmohan Singh is virtually the same; Sonia Gandhi is the Captain. Media talked about Dhoni-Sehwag rift, and now they are talking about Sonia-MMS rift.”


Manmohan Sonia

Sonia Gandhi pushing Manmohan Singh out?



The PMO source further claimed that similarities between MMS and Sehwag didn’t end there.


“Both of them like playing their natural game. Sehwag plays aggressive shots, while MMS keeps silent, no matter what the situation is,” the source pointed out.


“And of course, hair loss,” the source drew the parallels.


Due to such striking similarities, experts claim that Prime Minister is worried that his career could take a similar course where he’s dropped from the team while the Captain remains the same.


“Earlier people used to think that MMS was like Duncan Fletcher i.e. someone with no active role and often blamed for failures of the team, but of late he appears more like Sehwag,” an expert claimed.


As a result, Manmohan Singh has decided to join Sehwag International School as Economics teacher, so that he has a source of livelihood if and when he’s asked to resign by the high command.


Meanwhile, experts are trying to find out who is the Virat Kohli of Congress i.e. someone who could become the new Vice Captain. Vice President Rahul Gandhi is ruled out as he’s widely believed to be Sir Jadeja of Congress.



Friday, May 10, 2013

Rahul Gandhi to fake Imran Khan like injury to appear charismatic

New Delhi. Following the injury sustained on the campaign trail by the popular Pakistani celebrity-politician, Imran Khan, an investigation by Faking News can reveal that Congress is considering staging a similar accident in an attempt at making party Vice President Rahul Gandhi appear charismatic.


“A Bollywood stunt man is training him,” Ashok, 47, told Faking News at his tea stall.


Imran Khan

Imran Khan is expected to win a few more votes when Pakistan goes to polls tomorrow



However, Mohan, 35, disagrees: “No. They need the best. They’re bringing in Italian footballers to tutor him. They’ll show him how to trip himself up on the podium, scream in agony, it’ll look like he’s broken his leg, but he’ll be perfectly fine five minutes later.”


Both men are close to the Congress VP, having shaken hands with him at a rally in 2006. Ashok swears Rahul remembers him.


Injury may be a shrewd political move, according to Prof. Gagan Sachdeva. But Congress must be careful as Imran Khan has two children whilst Rahul Gandhi still childless.


“I would advise against anything below the waist,” he said, adding, “Congress must also bear in mind that the politician is a delicate creature that can be damaged by something as inconsequential as a single pretzel.”


He also cautioned against “going too far”, despite the dazzling posthumous political success of figures like Kim Il Sung.


A public poll by Faking News found that a “moderate to firm blow to the Rahul Gandhi’s head” would be very popular amongst voters.


Congress officials deny the rumors, but told Faking News they believe Narendra Modi’s toothache is suspicious and that the above poll was hacked by Modi’s supporters.



Thursday, May 9, 2013

Another Bansal nephew arrested trying to sell Railway Minister’s post

New Delhi. The CBI today arrested another nephew of Railway Minister Pawn Kumar Bansal after he (the nephew) was caught red-handed accepting bribe for allegedly fixing the Railway Minister’s post.


The bribe was given by an agent of a prominent Congress leader, who is hopeful to become the next Railway Minister if and when Bansal resigns taking moral responsibility for the deeds of his nephews.


“Bansal’s nephew had promised the Congress leader that if given 90 lakhs rupees as ‘token money’, he will convince his maama (uncle) to resign from cabinet, thus vacating the berth for the interested leader,” a CBI source told Faking News.


Pawan Bansal

Pawan Bansal reacts after being informed about his second nephew



Maamashri is very fond of me. He will definitely quit once I ask him to. He never denies my requests like giving jobs to people I recommend,” Bansal’s nephew is reported to have promised the unnamed Congress leader.


The exact amount on which the deal was fixed is not confirmed, but sources say that the amount runs in 15 digits, though CAG could find a larger number.


The bribe-giving Congress leader, whose name is being kept secret for some reason, is said to be already holding a cabinet berth in the UPA government, but he was lured towards the Railway berth after he heard about the recent scam involving Rs 90 lakhs to fix a top post in the department.


“He must be in an unusually honest department, else who gets excited by 90 lakhs these days?” an expert wondered, “It could be an achievement by the government!”


Government sources too claim that the arrest of another nephew by the CBI is a shot in the arm of the UPA government as it hints at two positive possibilities – there is an honest government department and the CBI is not a caged parrot.


Meanwhile, Bansal distanced himself from his new nephew as well.


“I am a national leader; all Indians are my brothers and sisters, so their children automatically become my nephews. Linking all of them to me is absurd,” the running Railway Minister told Faking News.


“I will prove that I was not involved in this new scam by not resigning at any cost, and hope Shrimati Sonia Gandhi will support me on this issue,” Bansal added and thanked late Rajiv Gandhi for his vision of India.