Tuesday, July 28, 2015

As part of road transport and safety bill, additional bushes to be created for traffic policemen to hide behind

New Delhi: As per Minister for Road Transport and Highways Mr. Nitin Gadkari, the proposed road transport and safety bill will provide additional safety measures for commuters as well as traffic police.

Mr. Gadkari, while speaking to our reporter said, “We have started working on mechanism to find out spots which cause major accidents. If there is a need, we will not shy away from marking every road and every street corner as accident prone zone. In addition, we will increase the font size used for hoardings that reads, Accident Prone Zone, Go Slow.

Nitin Gadkari taking the first step towards creating hiding places for traffic policemen.

Nitin Gadkari taking the first step towards creating hiding places for traffic policemen.

“We will also try to replicate the model Bangalore follows, for other cities. Adequate measures will be taken to create more and more traffic jams which will slow down the traffic and ensure that there are no accidents. We have plans to add more and more speed breakers so that people will be afraid of taking their vehicle out. I know some social media activists will put a selfie with comment that reads ‘today I drove on speed breakers, not roads. I am not scared of such criticism, for me safety of people comes first,” he affirmed.

Mr. Gadkari further added, “In the past, my ministry officials have focused on safety measures of commuters to some extent whereas somehow we have completely ignored the safety measures of our traffic policemen. Now it is time for us to set it right.”

“The complaints I get from traffic policemen is about the alarming rate of reduction of blind corners, lack of sufficient bushes and trees on our roads for them to hide behind. If you notice, on our roads when traffic police are standing by, people drive safely. Everyone behaves like Amol Palekar and if they come to know there would be no traffic police on some roads or during some hours like it happens late night or early mornings, they drive like Salman Khan. That’s why the fear of the traffic policemen hiding behind a bush is necessary. This is the same reason Aam Aadmi Party proposed Lokpal. Once the fear of Lokpal is there in the minds of people, corruption will automatically go away,” he said.

“My ministry has done some studies and we found out that the bushes and trees which help our policeman are not being maintained properly. After road transport and safety bill passes through parliament, we will allocate additional funds for creation of new bushes as well as for their maintenance,” Mr. Gadkari told us.

In the meantime Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi has said that his party will oppose the bill in its present form. He told our reporter, “This suit boot ki sarkar does not want safety of its ordinary citizens. The traffic policemen hiding behind will not have courage to jump in front of high end SUVs or cars. Instead they will catch our poor farmers who use two-wheelers. We will disrupt the parliament and not let the bill pass.”

Shashi Tharoor says Times Now owes reparations to Rahul Gandhi for the interview with Arnab in 2014

New Delhi: In a passionate argument, Lok Sabha MP Shashi Tharoor demanded reparation payments to be made by Times Now news channel to Rahul Gandhi for the 200 minutes interview with Arnab Goswami, held before 2014 General elections.

Shashi Tharoor making his point.

Shashi Tharoor probably saying that almighty Arnab Goswami was unfair to Rahul Gandhi.

Putting forth his argument at the Oxfake Union he said, “Rahul Gandhi’s mental strength before the interview and after the interview showed huge difference and the decline in mental ability was apparent. Why? Simply because Rahul Gandhi had been interviewed for the benefit of Arnab Goswami and Times Now.”

“By the end of 2014 polls, the fact is that Congress party was already Arnab’s biggest cash cow, the biggest provider of TV advertisements. The channel earned revenues by showing scams, which gave Arnab an opportunity to bash Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha and thus garner TRP’s. Each TV ad cost us lakhs of rupees and we have spent billions in total for advertisements,” he added

“Let’s talk figures now. Before the interview, Rahul Gandhi used to watch Chotabheem 52 times per day. After the interview, this number fell to 22.  There is a massive 87% drop in the time Rahul Gandhi spent on video games after the interview. More than 70% Congress leaders understood Rahul’s ideas and actions before the interview. Now only 26% understand and fortunately I am not one of them,” he said as he looked at the documents in his hands.

“The fact is very simple; we are not talking about reparations as a tool to empower anybody, definitely not about ‘Empowering Women’. They are a tool for you to atone, for the wrongs that have been done and I am quite prepared to accept the proposition that you can’t evaluate or put a monetary sum to the kind of horror Rahul Gandhi has suffered during those 200 minutes,” said Mr Tharoor.

“Certainly no amount of money can make good the loss. In fact, to understand the loss please listen to Rahul’s reaction after the interview. You are not going to figure out the exact amount but the principle is what matters,” he affirmed.

“As far as I am concerned, the ability to acknowledge your wrong that has been done and to simply say sorry will go to a great extent,” Mr. Tharoor concluded.

Though Times Now has not responded to Sashi Tharoor’s argument yet, nonetheless, our sources suggest that Sashi Tharoor recieved a call from Sonia Gandhi with all praises this morning.

Inspired by Chand Nawab, Shahid Afridi too asks for compensation, says his role was critical to Bajrangi Bhaijaan

Karachi: It’s not just the makers of Bajrangi Bhaijaan who wish to cash in on the success of the movie. Pakistani cricketer Shahid Afridi, who apparently is inspired by reporter Chand Nawab, too has asked for compensation.

shahid afridi

Shahid Afridi asking for compensation for his cameo.

Speaking to Faking News from Karachi, Shahid Afridi said, “First of all let me congratulate Salman and boys for the wonderful movie. I am very happy that the movie is making a lot of money. I only want to say that I have played a critical role in the movie. The little girl in the movie, Shahida, is named after me. They could have named her Inzimama after Inzimam-ul-haq, but did they do that? There is also a scene where the little girl is watching me play cricket on the TV set. So you see how I have actually played a part in the movie. So am I wrong in asking for compensation?”

Afridi’s fans in Pakistan have lent their support to the cricketer. A ‘peaceful’ rally was held in support of the cricketer in Karachi, with fans demanding PM Nawaz Sharif to intervene in the matter.

But it’s not all support for Afridi, there has been criticism also. Former team-mates have censured Shahid Afridi for openly demanding compensation.

Former cricketer and team-mate Shoaib Akhtar blasted Afridi. He said, “Ye banda itna cheap hai. Isne apni clipper (caliber) dikha di. Yeh iski purani aadat hai. Mujhe yaad hai, jab hum practice ke liye jaate the, ye khud ko 12 saal ka bata kar bus mein half ticket se travel karta tha. Iski cheapness ke upar toh mai ek kitab likh sakta hu.

Commentator Rameez Raza termed Afridi’s demand and childish and asked the media to ignore him. He said, “Shahid is ignorant in these issues. Woh abhi baccha hai aur usko ignore karna hi behtar hoga.”

But certain sections of Pakistani media are in no mood to ignore. A news anchor of a leading news channel, also popularly known as ‘Pakistans Arnab Goswami’, raised questions as to why Afridi is not getting support from the government and the military. “Awaam ko jawab chahiye”, he screamed, as other panelists nodded in agreement.

Govt employee shocked to find out that 84 year old APJ Abdul Kalam was working even on his last day

New Delhi. 33 year old govt employee Pramod Shukla was today stunned when he read that late ex-President APJ Abdul Kalam Azad was working even on his last day at the age of 84.

“Hain? I just went through the schedule Kalam sahib was having since last 3-4 days. Here, I may not have worked this much since joining, which he seemed to have in these days,” said Pramod as he wrote a 25 day leave application.

After lot of googling, Shukla finally found a pic of Kalam sitting idly, which he liked the most

After lot of googling, Shukla finally found a pic of Kalam sitting idly, which he liked the most

Pramod who is leading a nice retired life ever since getting employed in audit department after passing the SSC exam, was shocked that even former President and Bharat Ratna hasn’t been able to enjoy the fruits of retired life.

“That is why you should never work and achieve so much that it becomes a curse and comes back to haunt to you for rest of your life. I mean had he feigned mediocrity like me, he would have never been expected and forced to go and impart his knowledge and learning to others after 60,” Pramod told Faking News, while coaching new SBI joinees.

“He should have taken a UPSC or SSC exam like me and the word ‘work’ would have ceased to exist in his dictionary,” he went on to elaborate, with thunderous applause from colleagues.

Meanwhile another 23 year old man working as student on Facebook wonders if Abdul Kalam was scientist or a writer after reading some 100 quotes attributed to him since yesterday.

“I remember some of these quotes were same as the ones attributed to Steve Jobs after he died. Now I am confused who is original,” he told Faking News.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Dharavi man wants to know if the selfie he took while pooping at railway track qualifies as washroom selfie

Mumbai. Facing immense peer pressure for quite sometime now, Pakya, a 31 year old man from Dharavi, regular visitor at railway tracks nearby, wonders if the pic he took of himself while pooping near Dadar station qualifies as washroom selfie.

The selfie which he posted with caption #SelfieWithDadar has so far received 45 ‘marked for nudity spam’ requests and resulted in 24 unfriends for Pakya.

Pakya in action.

Pakya in action.

“I have an FB account for last 2 years now and have seen whole lot of my friends living in posh localities of Bandra, Juhu, Colaba etc posting selfies taken by them in what they call their washroom selfies,” Pakya explained what led him to click such a selfie.

“First I found it odd but then I thought maybe it was mandatory to click and post at least one such photo otherwise FB suspends your account after sometime. So I decided to click one of my own,” he went on to explain.

“Since I cannot afford going to discs, pubs, bars, restaurants etc nor do I have a toilet at home, I thought of clicking a photo at railway tracks,” he argued, “And thought I ll go a step further and click and post one in action. Maybe FB will reward me by getting all my pending requests to nearby slum girls in Kurla accepted for being proactive and innovative.”

Now finding in midst of his account getting suspended, Pakya wonders what was wrong with the selfie and if it qualifies as washroom selfie or he needs to a public toilet somewhere to click one.

Meanwhile Pakya has already bought a drill machine home to punch his cheeks from both sides to get a perfect pout selfie.

Ten things that you can learn from Baahubali movie

Baahubali, which was released a fortnight ago worldwide and had won many laurels, is not just a brilliant movie with hair-raising graphic scenes. The movie has many inner meanings that can be visible to you, only if you read this article before you go to watch it. You can also read this, if you have already watched it. We have listed ten things that can be learnt from Baahubali (includes the reason why Katappa killed Baahubali):

1-You can climb a mountain with bare hands, if you go behind a girl: The character Sivu, played by young Prabhas, tries to scale the mountain for years, yet he slips and falls down without breaking any bones or muscle tear. But, one day, he gets hold of a mask and is confident that the mask belongs to a girl and is highly confident that the girl looks like Tamannah (because they won’t cast not so good-looking girls in movies). Eager to meet the owner of mask and lured by a pretty Tamannah, he climbs the mountain with just bare hands. That is why, our Indian boys and men go behind girls but sadly, they could not even climb prison walls with bare hands after that.

The common men of Mahishmathi are not fools. With this image, they are shouting that 'Baahubali - Ballala same same' and 'Baahubali ke hath, Ballala ke saath'. Not only that, they also say that Baahubali is a Sivagami agent

The common man of Mahishmathi is not a fool. With this image, the people are shouting ‘Baahubali – Ballala same same’ and ‘Baahubali ka hath, Ballala ke saath’. Not only that, they also say that Baahubali is a Sivagami agent

2-You can move Hindu places of worship but other’s become disputed properties: Before he gets hold of the mask, Sivu moves a huge and heavy ShivLingam from its fixed place to the bottom of waterfall. Though he claims that he did it for his mother, you should dig deep to find out the hidden truth. If it was a place of worship belonging to a religion other than Hinduism, the movie till then would had been showed repeatedly in newsreels with future politicians asking for death sentence of Sivu whenever anyone else is hanged. Moreover, it would have become a disputed property.

3-You can change an ‘ugly looking girl’ to a ‘pretty looking girl’ by fighting with her: Normally, most of the couple fights start because the woman takes time to do make up and the impatient husband blows it out of proportion. But, in this movie, Sivu changes Tamannah, who looks like her original self, to a Tamannah that we see in screen, by not being a Shahnaz Hussain, but by fighting with her. If only fighting can make a girl look good, then every man would be a fashion expert.

4-Lower caste Hindus were uplifted by Islamic rulers: In the scene where Aslam Khan tries to sell weapons to Katappa, impressed by the bravery of the latter, Khan invites to work with him. But Kattappa denies and desires to live as slave to people from upper caste. This is a double entendre – one that Muslims tried to uplift lower caste Hindus which is now being altered in history books by fringe saffron elements and second, the cruelty of caste system in Hinduism. This solves the mystery of why Katappa killed Baahubali – it was a natural reaction to systematic oppression for thousands of years.

5-You can win an army four times its size even with poorly equipped ammunition: All through the movie, Sivu and his doppelganger father Baahubali, break the arrows and swords of the Mahishmathi kingdom. But they face the war with similar ammunition and similar set of infantry and win it. This is a gentle reminder to our defense skeptics out there who blame our weaponry shortage. Not only this, Mahishmathi’s army follows a strategy codenamed Operation Trishul. No marks to person who can search Operation Trishul in Google and relate the targets in both.

6-When someone invades your place, shut up and get killed: Baahubali and BallalaDeva tried to show off their 56-inch chest by trying to kill the Kalakeya king, but they lost a lot of their people in the battle. Imagine the widowed wives of soldiers and orphaned children. Do they really need such offensive? If only they weren’t fueled by the current surging Hindutva ignited by the likes of Swamy, Batra and Rajiv Malhotra, they would have stayed within their forts and welcomed the invading armies with open hands and necks. History would have been easier, with future school students of Mahishmathi not wasting their brain space by reading much about Baahubali or Ballala.

7-You can kill an endangered species and still remain a Hero: In the introduction scene of BallalaDeva, he fights and kills an endangered species, or atleast, we can say it is. Even after he kills it in open view, the ministers applaud his act and praise him. If Ballala was ever tried in a court for this crime, we can be sure that BallalaWood (Mahishmathi’s film industry) would have backed him and even would have bought his brand garments – ‘Being Balls’.

8-Only Upper class Hindu males Baahubali and Ballala grow in size, while women shrink: Avanthika is slim and tired, Devasena is tortured, Sivagami is chasen away and killed. But, Baahubali, Ballala and other upper class men in the kingdom grow into six feet hunks. Is this not something that Christine Lagarde must be worried of? Happens only in Modi’s India.

9-Proof that Sivu is a BJP agent: In the statue installation scene, the frenzied crowd chants Baahubali name instead of Ballala, whose statue is being raised. The chant was initiated by Sivu and by the similar modus operandi, it is clear that he had followed the footsteps of BJP. Remember the rally where people chanted Modi’s name, when Hooda was speaking. Clear proof that Sivu is a BJP agent sent to confuse aam aadmis of Mahishmathi.

10-Baahubali’s character is inspired from Rahul Gandhi: Baahubali is sympathetic of the poor, eats food with lower class people (Katappa), unmarried till he is married, has beard and is the son of the empress. The director himself has not said that ‘Baahubali is a reel life image of Rahul Gandhi’. But we don’t need much brain to guess it. By the way, we already knew that Rahul Gandhi is Batman.

Grammatically correct and without any typos, the tweets were not by Bhai: Salman fan

Mumbai: Salman Khan may have retracted his tweet and apologized, but the controversy surrounding his tweet refuses to die down. At the receiving end of this fiasco are millions of Salman fans who are now scavenging for excuses as to why ‘Bhai’ could have tweeted something like this.

Salman Khan after reading his own grammatically correct tweet.

Salman Khan after reading his own grammatically correct tweet.

Many fans of the superstar who previously believed that ‘bhai can do no wrong’, were shocked when news of Salman’s retraction was flashed across the media.

But majority of the fans still refuse to believe that the actor posted the controversial tweet.

Speaking to Faking News a die-hard Salman fan said, “Look at the tweet ‘1 innocent man killed is killing the humanity’. It is grammatically correct. There is no typo. Have you ever seen bhai tweet like this. It is clear that it couldn’t have been him.”

“The fact that people have understood the tweet itself tells you that it couldn’t have been Salman. The imposter seems to have done a good job though trying hard to imitate Salman’s tweeting style,” said another fan.

Salim Khan who yesterday said that his son was ‘ignorant’ clarified that he ‘meant ignorant about grammar and sentence construction’ and not social issues.

Brother Sohail Khan has however blamed the media. Questioning the media he said, “When they know bhai tweets nonsense all the time, why are they blowing it out of proportion this time. It is God’s grace that it was Sunday and that News Anchor who screams all the time was on leave.”

Meanwhile an army of Bhaitards were seen protesting outside ‘Tiger Shroff’s house after Salman tweeted ‘Get Tiger’. It was only after the cops intervened and explained that Salman meant Tiger Memon and not Tiger Shroff, did the fans calm down.