Friday, October 31, 2014

Friday faking release: Aakhree Raasta

Impressed with their precision in digging tunnels, DMRC hires Punjab National Bank robbers as consultants

New Delhi. DMRC (Delhi Metro Rail Corporation), that is currently racing against time to complete phase 3 of metro in Delhi on time, has decided to hire accused of the recent Punjab National Bank robbery in Haryana as consultants.

DMRC particularly intends to use their services for the underground portion of the phase 3, connecting Janak Puri with Botanical Gardens, where they are reportedly running behind schedule to meet 2016 deadline.

A DMRC official taking tips from the perfectly executed tunnel digging.

A DMRC official taking tips from the perfectly executed tunnel digging.

“They are highly skilled people. We were left extremely overawed, stunned and impressed with the style and manner in which they dug up 125 feet long and 2.5 feet wide tunnel and opened it right inside the locker room of the bank,” DMRC chief told Faking News.

“They went about the whole thing with so much compassion and professionalism that nobody was disturbed, nobody had any idea whatsoever about what was happening, quite unlike with our engineers and contractors who have to at times face wrath of Delhiites for causing traffic jams due to haphazard construction activity,” he continued.

DMRC also hopes that once on board, the precision of these robbers would be a valuable asset to the project.

“The digging was done with such finesse that telephone cables and water pipelines in the tunnel remained completely untouched,” he pointed, “I mean, without any practice whatsoever, they were able to open up the tunnel bang in the middle of locker room pathways. Unbelievable!”

“Their guidance would ensure strict adherence to the architectural plan by laborers and contractors and construction wouldn’t go haywire,” he further argued.

However, MMRC (Mumbai Metro Rail Corporation) has challenged robbers to oversee their work instead.

“Being a consultant to DMRC is not at all challenging. Their true worth will be tested if they are able to successfully help us complete second underground line of 33 km in next 25 years,” declared the MMRC chief.

Meanwhile, Yash Raj Films too has made an offer to these robbers and sought their services in devising a more believable heist in the next instalment of Dhoom series.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Man inspired from Internet Explorer doing what he actually wants to do without caring what others think

Bangalore. Saurabh Agrawal, a web developer by profession is taking inspiration from the Internet Explorer (IE) to do what he actually wants to do without caring about what others think.

Saurabh is a huge fan of IE’s cool attitude and the way it handles criticism without changing the way it works.


Inspirational figure.

“People are hurling abuses at IE for running slow since its birth, but it keeps functioning the way it wants to. It just doesn’t give a damn about what others have to say and that’s why it’s my source of inspiration,” Saurabh explained, adding that he wants to get exactly the same temperament. “There is a maturity in IE’s behavior and I want the same.”

“Whenever I feel low after being thrashed my boss or my client, I always think, what IE would have done in this situation and then I do exactly the same. I just turn a deaf ear to criticism and continue being who I really am,” Saurabh continued, “I am what I am. Just like IE, I too want to rise above this ‘chaar log kya kahenge‘ crap.”

Saurabh also thanks Microsoft for being an understanding parent by allowing IE to remain what it is.

“However, initially Microsoft did try to bring change in IE’s attitude, but finally gave up. Now, like a good parent, Microsoft is supporting IE. Despite having so much money and resources, they are not arm-twisting IE any further and I really appreciate this,” Saurabh told Faking News.

Meanwhile, taking a cue from Saurabh’s point of view, Microsoft is planning to capitalize on this hidden power of Internet Explorer. As per sources, the idea is to rebrand IE as a motivational browser.

“Guys at Microsoft want to attract and motivate youngsters by presenting IE as a rebel who doesn’t believe in walking on a conventional path. The new branding campaign will highlight how IE refused to take part in the mad race of being the fastest internet browser and chose a path of its own,” revealed a source.

AAP to move SC against SC after SC praises LG’s decision to consult all parties for govt formation in Delhi

New Delhi. After Supreme Court today expressed satisfaction over Lt Govermor Najeeb Jung ‘s move to consult all political parties in Delhi for govt formation, AAP has decided to move Supreme Court against Supreme Court’s decision.

AAP is particularly annoyed with SC deferring the hearing once again and wants SC to teach a lesson to itself.

Kejriwal hasn't ruled out another Dharna over this issue.

Kejriwal hasn’t ruled out another Dharna over this issue.

“After getting copy of Supreme Court’s recent statement, we will approach Supreme Court to review those statements,” AAP leader and senior lawyer, Prashant Bushan confirmed to Faking News.

Faking News spoke to party chief Arvind Kejriwal and asked him if it was another u-turn by him after he yesterday praised SC in his tweets.

“Till yesterday I was thinking that Supreme Court is an independent entity when they pulled up BJP govt on black money issue, but today I am saddened to say even it is working in collusion with BJP,” Kejriwal declared.

Sab mile hue hain ji,” he quickly added amidst huge cheers from AAP supporters.

When asked how logical was moving SC against SC, Ashutosh, another senior leader of AAP said it was very much within constitutional AAP framework.

“Since unfortunately SC is still the highest court in the country, we will have to move it against it, till AAP comes to power and swaraj is established and aam aadmis become the supreme judges,” Ashutosh justified his party’s decision.

When asked if Supreme Court was acting as BJP agent or Ambani Agent, Kejriwal remained non-committal.

However, Kejriwal maintained that since SC took a hard stance against black money issue; they could not be Ambani agents but assured he would soon be able to come to conclusion as to whose agents they were exactly.

Meanwhile, this decision by AAP has left Arnab Goswami angry who thought AAP should have moved Newshour against Supreme Court, if at all they wanted.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

3 year old property dealer found in Haryana

Gurgaon. In a shocking find, Faking News discovered a 3 year old boy dealing in properties in Haryana.

Jaydaad Dahiya is considered one of the most renowned agents in the state who has made a name for himself in a very short span of time.

“He sits daily in his office with a staff of 5 people and sells properties faster than he can count till 10,” disclosed Jaydaad’s 25 year old personal secretary.

File pic of Jaydaad when he set up his office 2 years back.

File pic of Jaydaad when he set up his office 2 years back.

If sources are to be believed, Jaydaad began his dealings even before he was born. He reportedly sold even a part of his mother’s womb while he was inside her.

“We were doing sonography when we saw him demarcating boundaries inside the uterus,” confirmed the gynaecologist, who was operating Jaydaad’s mother, “We were shell shocked.”

“When he came out, like all new borns, he was crying. We kept him on a news paper and tried various things to pacify him. However he kept crying,” the gynaecologist recalled the events of his birth.

“It was later we realized he was crying because he wanted us to keep him on the Times Property section of the newspaper,” the doctor further revealed.

While the discovery certainly shocked Faking News and its reporters, it was just another dealer for locals.

“It’s pretty normal out here. We Haryanvis are born property dealers. People could be doing any job but at heart they are always property dealers. In fact we have more agents out here than probably the number of properties,” said a local.

Haryana ki hawa mein ki kuch aisa hai jo achhe acchon ko property mein involve kar deta hai. Look at Robert Vadra ji,” the local pointed.

Experts claim that Haryana is probably the only place in India where parents don’t want their children to become engineer or doctor.

“Here they want them to become a property baron,” explained an expert.

Meanwhile in a related finding, Faking News also discovered a 3 year old Roadies aspirant in Chandigarh.

To reduce count of cigarette consumption per day, man starts smoking longer cigarettes

Delhi. In an out of the box way to reduce number of cigarette consumption per day, Vineet, a Delhi University student has started smoking longer cigarettes.

With the help of his idea, Vineet has successfully managed to bring down daily count from 12 cigarettes to 8 cigarettes.


Save half for later.

“I can’t tell you how relieved I am,” Vineet expressed his happiness, adding that his trick to fool himself is working pretty well. “I know, maybe I am consuming the same amount of harmful tobacco. But the guilt feeling has been certainly reduced, and that is very important.”

With plan to create his own customized cigarette, upto 40 to 50 inches long, Vineet is hopeful that he would be able to reduce his daily cigarette consumption count to one.

“I will not be smoking that in one go, instead I will finish it in 10 small cigarette breaks spread across the day,” Vineet revealed his future action plan, “I am going crazy with just the thought of smoking only one cigarette during whole day. I thought I would never be able to do this in my entire life, but dream is turning into reality.”

Now Vineet is feeling more confident that ever. “This has helped me to boost my morale and develop strong conviction to achieve desired goals. My next aim is to reduce number of pegs I drink in one sitting, by increasing size of each peg,” Vineet further added.

Psychologists say, Vineet’s actions are going harm his lungs and liver in a more smooth and hassle free way.

“Now, at least he will not be worried all the time that he is doing something wrong. He will be destroying himself, but with peace of mind,” explained a well known psychologist.

Meanwhile, taking cue from Vineet’s innovative idea, a cigarette brand has started working on creating a foldable cigarette of length equal to ten times of a normal cigarette length.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Man decides to take a road trip to Leh on Google Maps after boss rejects his leave request

Mumbai. Anoop, an IT employee in his mid twenties has decided to take a road trip to Leh on Google Maps after his leave request was turned down by his boss.

Earlier, Anoop and his three friends who live in Mumbai itself, were planning to take a roadtrip of a lifetime, but things didn’t work out the way they were expecting.

Google Maps

Cheapest road trip.

“Plan was to reach Leh via Gujarat and Rajasthan. But anyway, thanks to Google Maps, our plan is still intact,” said Anoop with a sigh of relief, “Now we will be covering the whole distance sitting in my room.”

Anoop along with his friends will start the journey from tomorrow evening after returning from their offices.

“Daily, we will be sitting together in front of my large-screen desktop for three hours, from 10 pm to 1 am,” Anoop described the idea, adding that they will keep open Google Image in another tab of the browser. “Each time we reach some city on our way to Leh, we will search images of that city to give our trip a touch of reality.”

To travel through areas with bad roads, Anoop and his friends will be using Google Maps on Internet Explorer.

“We don’t want to miss the fatigue, which we would have felt while travelling through those areas in reality,” said Anoop’s friend Amit, while explaining reason behind this. “Internet Explorer will make sure that our movement on Google Maps is slowed down automatically.”

Adding further, Amit said they would be using AC to adjust temperature according to their current region on Google Maps.

“We are ready with out winter clothes and will be reducing the temperature to minimum, once we reach Leh,” Amit told Faking News, “And no drinking while crossing Gujarat. It’s a dry state and we are law abiding citizens.”

As Anoop is expecting to complete the whole trip in week time without taking any leaves, his boss Vinay Sharma is quite happy to know about his plans.

“As a matter of fact, during new year break I am thinking of taking my whole team on a road trip to Goa, right here sitting in the office. We will be taking an hour break after each hour of travel, during which they will be finishing their pending work. It’s good to have fun with work,” quipped a jubilant Vinay.