Monday, December 22, 2014

Hindu group insists that chair is offensive after some Muslims declare table offensive

Mumbai. A table and a chair kept outside a restaurant have become the center of controversy after they were deemed hugely offensive to respective religious sensibilities by groups of Muslims and Hindus.

It all started when the national convener of Al Muslameen concluded that the table kept outside the restaurant Bharat Lunch Home in Andheri was deeply offensive to Muslim sentiments and against Quranic teachings.

“The table was round but had three legs. This is deeply offensive and designed on purpose to insult Muslims,” Akbaruddin Khan, the national convener of Al Musalmeen told Faking News.

chair and table

Some experts have concluded that HDF might have got angry after realizing that the Hindu chair was not as big as the Muslim table

Faking News didn’t ask Akbaruddin the logic behind his statement as that would have been against logic.

As soon as Akbaruddin came up with the statement, Al Musalmeen members called the restaurant owner and asked him to remove the table by this weekend, failing which the entire restaurant could be blown up.

Although the media decided to downplay the threat by Al Musalmeen, the picture of the table and chair was posted on internet by some local residents.

And that’s when members of HDF – Hindus Devoted to Fury – noticed the chair and found it hugely offensive to Hindu sentiments.

“Will the restaurant owner dare insult Muslims by placing a similar chair?” asked one “Deshbhakt #HDF” asking Bharat Lunch Home to immediately remove the chair and apologize to Hindus all over the universe.

When asked why was the chair offensive to Hindu sentiments, Deshbhakt #HDF shot back, “Did you ask the same question to Muslims? Just because we don’t blow up restaurants you will ask us such baseless and derogatory questions?”

Many other users of social media, who identified themselves as proud Hindus and members of HDF, too demanded the chair to be removed but the table to be retained outside the restaurant, failing which they would take legal action.

“We Hindus have tolerated all this nonsense for a long time!” claimed another self-declared member of HDF, “Hinduism is a tolerant religion and we are tolerant people. But we will no longer tolerate any chairs till the Muslims oppose tables.”

“We are not cowards. We can throw stones at the restaurant too!” the member added.

Meanwhile some people claiming to be secular and liberal wondered why the chair should be removed.

“Removing the table makes some sense because you need tables inside the restaurant not outside, but this is absolutely ridiculous to demand that chair is removed too. Chairs are used to wait outside restaurants. It will make no difference if the table is removed, but it will be fascism if the chair is removed,” claimed the “liberal” person.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Engineering student develops app that tells how much to study for desired results

Indore. How long before one should finally open the textbook and close the laptop has always been a dilemma for students cutting across campuses and courses.

Students have often struggled to solve crucial questions like “should I watch this last movie I had downloaded last night before I start studying today?” and “I think I can skip the last chapter and still get good grades thanks to relative grading” but now they can look forward to some help.

A third-year computer engineering student at local Babli Technological Institute has developed an application that can now tell students when to pick up and open the books, and how many hours to study before they can go back to downloading movies or checking out Facebook feeds.

“See, it’s all about planning,” explained Ramesh Kala, the student who developed the algorithm and app, “Everyone might not want to go to US for higher study or work in an investment bank, and so everyone doesn’t have to invest the same hours of study. You invest based on what returns you expect, isn’t it? My app asks people to choose returns i.e. how much CGPA they are targeting, what job they desire, etc. and then it tells them how much and when to study.”

One of the most basic features of the app is to calculate hours required to study based on the current grades or marks of a student.

“Yes, most of the times they are inversely related,” Ramesh revealed.


This is how the algorithm for the application was developed by Ramesh

But the app tells a student more than just that. Apart from your past academic grades, you have to sign in with your social media profiles and it tells you even the best time of the day when you should study.

It analyzes your tweets and Facebook posts and comes up with a solution. For example, if you have been compulsively posting messages about cricket or Bigg Boss, the app will work out a study schedule that doesn’t clash with cricket matches, TV programs, movie releases, favourite politician’s rallies, or possible time of selfie posted by girls in the social network.

“In over excitement and due to over confidence, many students plan to study at a time when they just can’t. They soon get distracted by these things and end up unprepared for exams. Now these problems will be things of past,” Ramesh claimed.

This app, also being branded as “academic investment planner” by Ramesh also predicts what future colleges a student may get in and the kind of salaries one may attract based on various inputs and data collected from various users.

The only thing it can’t predict is whether and when will one get a girlfriend or boyfriend.

“I study in an engineering college so I couldn’t get enough data,” Ramesh told Faking News when asked why his app doesn’t cover this aspect.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Nirmal Baba to bailout Spicejet, opposition parties oppose the deal

Chennai. In a surprising move, Spicejet announced today that it has signed a bailout deal with Nirmal Durbar. A radiant, beaming, haloed Nirmal Baba was also present at the hurriedly arranged joint press conference.

Addressing the conference, CEO of Spicejet declared that they decided to go to Nirmal Baba with the faith that God helps all those who are spurned by everyone. As the saying goes, “गरीब‌ का आखिरी सहारा ईश्वर‌ ही हॊता है”.

Later, Nirmal Baba addressed the media and held forth, “Only God can save the aviation industry was the constant refrain of the experts and we decided to prove this hypothesis. Now the powers ‘that be’ would show their ‘kripa’ on the airline to bail it out of its present, precarious situation.”

Nirmal Baba to bail out Spicejet

Nirmal Baba to bail out Spicejet

He continued, “As the Nirmal Durbar business model shows, money is not the most important thing in the world. Even small, day to day, mundane things like a samosa, a piece of cottage cheese, a banana, a red handkerchief or even a blue underwear etc. can give comfort, solace and happiness to the troubled human beings. We would apply this business model to increase business for Spicejet, make huge profits and turn it to number one airline in the universe.”

“Though we cannot disclose our strategy for obvious reasons, I can give you some insights into our problem solving techniques.”

“For example, Spicejet is finding it difficult to convince bankers to provide finance for its operations. Our templates would easily find out whether it would be green mint sauce or a yellow mustard one which would induce the bankers into giving in. These methods work on supernatural powers, bankers are just human beings. These sauces have the power to even mess up with the accounts of our debtors thus wiping out our dues from their books.”

“We can apply similar techniques on finding out as to how will the customers change their search preference to the highest fare instead of the current lowest one or how to motivate the state governments into giving incentives on usage of aviation fuel, instead of taxing it heavily.”

The reporters quizzed the promoters about the conflict between their atheist ideology and this tie up with a religious baba, the Spicejet promoter was categorical, “We have always believed that faith and business should never be mixed or it creates a conflict of interest. If you do, you end up being a Srinivasan, who is answering some tough questions posed by Supreme Court, even on the choice of a son-in-law.”

A managing editor in a media house who is known for his secular credentials, was not enthused by the development. He held forth, “This is yet another example of right wing spreading its tentacles and grabbing a pie in yet another, important part of our secular country. After attempting to saffronize history, education and immigration policies, it is another brazen attempt to saffronize business.”

“Neither the unsuspecting promoters of the airline, nor the business community at large, realize that this is a direct attack on the idea of India.”

Later in the day, a general secretary of the National Secular Party tweeted, “Will babas run businesses now? Will the flights take off with invocation of Gayatri Mantra? Why not Azaan? Will PM Modi answer?”

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Average fresher level salary in IT industry to remain 3 lpa till human civilization comes to an end: Report

Bangalore. If a report published in a leading business magazine is to be believed, average fresher level salary in IT industry will remain 3 lakh per annum, till the human civilization comes to an end.

The report has been written by a group of researchers studying why the average salary figure is stuck at 3 lpa since ages.


“But 3 lpa sounds cooler than 4 lpa”

“One of the most interesting reasons justifying the static figure I got was from Narayanshankar, the CEO of IT giant Dinosys. He said, it was an ongoing social experiment,” lead researcher Aniruddh Banerjee said while talking to Faking News.

As per Mr. Narayanshankar, he is very fascinated to see how good Indian engineers are at adapting themselves.

“Even after several years, while prices of everything else kept shooting up, freshers are still able to manage in the same salary package. Isn’t it amazing? I have full faith that they will be able to do it even in 2500 AD,” read the report quoting Narayanshankar.

Naraynshankar is hopeful that in distant future, by surviving comfortably in just 3 lpa, young Indian engineers will achieve status of the God.

“Just like once Jesus feed a group of five thousand using only five loaves of bread and two fishes, I am expecting our engineers to perform miracles in future,” read another one of Mr. Narayanshankar’s quotes from the report, which explains why he wants to keep the salary figure 3 lpa.

Harsih Gupta, a top executive of another tech biggie LCS, which is a famous mass recruiter revealed a different reason.

“We want to bridge the generation gap which our current employees would otherwise face in future with their children. For example, many fathers often that they started their career with Rs 500 per month or Rs. 1000 per month, while their children are starting with 3 lpa. Now imagine, even children of the children starting their career at 3 lpa. It would be so cool,” said an excited Harish Gupta, who has recently managed to suppress the demand of rise in fresher level salary in his company.

“And frankly, nobody minds. Starting your career at 3 lpa after finishing engineering is now a part of Indian culture and we are determined to preserve it, till the world ends,” Harish Gupta concluded.

Even new tech companies are contributing a lot to keep the 3 lpa figure intact, however each have their own reasons.

“There is something in this phrase ‘Three lakh per annum’. It attracts people towards itself. Those who have salary of 2.85 lpa tell their neighbors that it’s 3 lpa, which is industry average, even neighbors know that. And those whose salary is 3.25, automatically get three lakhzoned by their neighbours, even after specifically saying 3.25. Such is the power of this phrase and that’s why I love it,” explained CEO of a mid sized IT company Teenlakhiya Technologies.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Techie teaching Googling skills to his new born son so that he learns to walk and talk of his own

Bangalore. Javesh Chaturverdi, a techie and a father to a newborn boy is teaching his child how to use Google search engine, so that his son learns to walk, talk and do other things on his own.

Javesh has named his four month old baby boy – Googlesh, and has even started tutoring him basic typing.

Google Homepage

All what your kid needs.

“I still remember when I joined my first company as a junior software engineer, all I knew was googling, that’s all. Then down the years, because of my excellent googling skills, I climbed up the ladder of success and today I am a team lead,” Javesh said while explaining what prompted him to take this decision, “I am a Google made man, and so will be my son.”

All Javesh is planning to teach Googlesh is googling, nothing more.

“This is what my college taught me, exactly what I needed, nothing less, nothing more. So, me and my wife have decided to not teach Googlesh anything other than googling. We are sure that once he will start googling, he will learn everything on his own,” Javesh continued, adding that learning things on his own will make Googlesh more independent and strong.

Remembering initial years of his career, Javesh revealed how his senior colleagues used to give him a cold shoulder when he needed their help in coding.

“But it was Google which was always there for me. No matter how many times I repeated the same silly question, it replied with the same zeal without giving any disgusting facial expression. I think, as a dad answering random questions of his son, I would never be as cool as Google. At some point of time, I will definitely get pissed off,” said a sentimental Javesh rooting for Google.

“Let Google be his dad and mom. I am sure once Googlesh grows up, Google will be a better father to him than me. You know, certainly he will not be asking me how to kiss a girl, but he can ask Google whatever he want to,” Javesh concluded.

Monday, December 15, 2014

As temperature dips, Delhi boy found reading motivational book in bathroom before taking shower

New Delhi. As capital continues to reel under bone-chilling co

ld, Jeetu Gupta, an engineering college student was found standing naked in front of shower in his hostel bathroom reading Shiv Khera’s motivational book “You Can Win”, just in order to persuade himself to go under the shower.

The incident came into light when Jeetu’s batchmate, Shikari Sharma, heard sound of prayer coming out from one of the hostel bathrooms.

Cold Shower

“Yes, I did it!! Someone save me please!!”

“It was a shocker. Because of the temperature level and considering that it’s an engineering college hostel, signs of human presence in otherwise deserted bathroom area was very spooky. Normally we leave that area just like both Pakistani and Indian armies retract from some areas in Himalayas during winters,” said Shikari narrating how he caught Jeetu.

As per Shikari, he heard someone singing ‘Humko man ki shakti dena man vijay karein..’. Later, after peeping inside from over the wall, he found Jeetu standing in his underwear in front of the shower.

“Jeetu was shivering with cold and was holding ‘You Can Win’ book in his hand. Shower in front of him was pouring out super chilled water, it was looking like a dragon,” Shikari continued, adding that initially he thought Jeetu was going to commit suicide, which is now legal in India.

But after further inquiry, Jeetu himself revealed that he had finally managed to get a date with Priya after trying hard for three years, and he didn’t want to ruin it by going on his first date ever without taking bath.

Understanding criticality of the situation, Shikari didn’t stop him. “On the contrary, I helped him to get motivated. Jeetu took that final step and positioned himself under the shower after 45 minutes of motivational pep talk,” Shikari told Faking News.

“Winners don’t do different things but they do things differently,” Shikari explained how Jeetu won against cold.

When asked about his achievement, Jeetu said, “Winners see the gain, losers see the pain. This particular line from Shiv Khera’s book finally pushed me to get under the shower.”

Meanwhile, Jeetu’s room-mate lambasted him for breaking the pact of not taking bath this whole winter.

“Under adverse conditions – some people break down, while some break records. And I am the one who is breaking the records of not taking a bath. Jeetu is a weak soul,” Jeetu’s angry room-mate said quoting a Shiv Khera’s quote.