Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Karnataka MLAs plan a short foreign trip while Arnab is in USA

Bangalore. Taking advantage of Arnab Goswami’s absence from the nation for some days, few MLAs from Karnataka have decided to organize a short foreign trip to Australia and New Zealand.


Arguing that they want to make the most of Arnab’s absence and also the fact that they couldn’t explore those places in entirety the last time they were there on an alleged ‘study tour’, these MLAs have decided to complete their trip from where they left it.


Make hay while Arnab is away.

Make hay while Arnab is away.



“Last time we couldn’t enjoy ourselves fully. Physically we were abroad, but mentally we were still in Times Now studios, Lower Parel. For more than half the duration of the trip, we were in our hotel rooms, hooked on to Times Now. There was a constant sword hanging on our heads,” an MLA who proposed the idea, told Faking News.


The plans for a re tour were made right after MLAs got to know about Arnab’s plans to travel to USA. Immediately after catching hold of Arnab’s US itinerary, MLAs made a plea on humanity grounds and got the trip sanctioned by state govt.


These MLAs have been trying to keep the trip a hush hush affair and have planned it in such a way that their return coincides with Arnab’s return to India.


“And even if he does find out about this trip after coming back from USA, he wouldn’t dare take us on after having himself being on an unnecessary foreign junket,” argued a naive MLA who has been obviously oblivious to Arnab’s sanctimoniousness.


These MLAs are further hoping that Modi just doesn’t stop at USA visit but makes more such visits to other countries in near future.


“Only when Modi makes more such foreign trips, can we MLAs have more independence back in India,” another MLA pointed.


Efforts are also afloat to make Times Now also added to the list of news channels like DD News which officially accompany PM on foreign visits.


Meanwhile not just MLAs, but many other groups who are constantly on Arnab’s radar are trying to enjoy this temporary freedom and make the most out of it.


While Pakistan army is contemplating going more offensive in ceasefire violations; Sanjay Jha, not used to not being persecuted for so long, was seen begging random strangers on streets of Mumbai to abuse him.



Monday, September 29, 2014

Rajdeep says, he was practicing dealing with bullies before his next interview with Raj Thackeray

New York. Soon after getting himself engaged into a brawl outside Madison Square Garden, famous journalist and news anchor Rajdeep Sardesai clarified that he was practicing to deal with bullies before his next interview with Raj Thackeray.


Rajdeep wasn’t too much happy with his last interview with MNS chief, in which Rajdeep was clearly on back foot.


Rajdeep

Rajdeep feeling confident.



“To be frank, I wasn’t liking Raj Thackeray’s tone of voice and the way he was talking to me. Although, I was willing to jump and grab him by the collar, I forgave him. I was the host and that was our studio, so I had to maintain decency,” Rajdeep told Faking News adding that his anger is quite dangerous.


But now, Rajdeep wants to free his hand, pretty much like Arnab Goswami’s mouth.


“You see, time is changing and we have to change ourselves and the way we journalists work. We have to be more and more action oriented,” Rajdeep continued justifying the way he interacted with Modi supporters.


“That guy was talking to me like some rowdy, just because I was asking some tough questions. All of a sudden it reminded me of my interview with Raj Thackeray, and then I thought, enough is enough, let’s do it. And then I immediately grabbed him by the collar,” Rajdeep narrated the whole incident.


Rajdeep wanted to pass Raj Thackeray a strong message that he was not the same Rajdeep. “Next time when he will be sitting in front of me in studio, Raj has to be beware of me,” he concluded.


Charged up with his own actions, Rajdeep reportedly wants to start his own prime time debate – The Fighthour.


A source close to him revealed that it will be a mix of The Newshour and Fight Club.


“I heard Rajdeep saying that on ‘The Fighthour’, there will be only one rule, that there are no rules. During the debate, everybody will be free to attack each other and set of the studio will resemble to that of a wrestling ring. And Rajdeep himself will be referee,” disclosed the source.


Meanwhile, Raj Thackeray has offered his full support to Rajdeep and said that he was ready to be the first guest on Rajdeep’s show.


“Let me check his newly found guts, if it’s real of fake,” said Raj Thackeray.



Now “DDA flat cracking” coaching centers open up in Kota

Kota. After witnessing huge number of applications being filed for DDA’s housing scheme 2014 across India, many institutes have sprung up in Kota, Rajasthan claiming to offer “crash courses” and “refresher courses” on how to crack the scheme.


“We feel competition here is thousand times more tougher than any IIT, IAS, or Medical exams in the country. Being able to get a flat among those 25000 odd flats on offer, is as good as topping the IIT-JEE exam, to put it in right perspective,” said a 24 years old man, who has decided to put his IIT aspirations on hold to set up a institute.


With just few days remaining to apply for the scheme, many renowned coaching institutes too have decided to offer a crash course and discontinued all other courses for a while.


Understanding the nuances of DDA housing scheme.

Understanding the nuances of DDA housing scheme.



“Helping students crack an IIT exam is not challenging anymore and doesn’t give me any kick,” argued a 35 year old Salman Khan fan and teacher at Bansal coaching institute, “I am sure I will be able to derive that kick by coaching people get a flat in DDA scheme.”


But the Rajasthan state govt is confused whether to allow coaching institutes to go ahead with this course or not.


“Kota is a very small city and cannot handle such large population. God forbid if even 30% of those who have applied turn up for the course it will be huge population explosion, which the city’s infrastructure is not prepared to handle,” explained the MLA of Kota.


However many students preparing for IIT and other exams in Kota have welcomed the move.


“I think it is payback time for me. All these years my parents taunted me and said I was good for nothing. Now let me see if they have it in them to crack a seat in this DDA,” said an 18 year old student as his parents enrolled themselves in one of those centers.


Meanwhile quite a few who had bought the application forms are now contemplating selling them to a scrap dealer, instead of applying.


“With so many people in the race, I think I have a better chance getting some real returns by selling it to a raddiwala,” argued a man.



Sunday, September 28, 2014

iPhone6 fanboys vow to break their skulls if the iPhone6 is not unbreakable

Mumbai: The launch of the new iPhone6 has resulted in crazy chatter among the apple fanboys (the cooler ones even call themselves Apple FanBoi) about the awesome new features of the phone.


The blood pressure & hypertension of many papas across the nation has shot up recently as the chant of “Daddy Daddy, pocket money badhao” is spreading across the nation.


Doctors have claimed it is nothing short of an epidemic and are rapidly taking back their words “An apple a day, keeps the doctor away” before they get mobbed. From tattoos of half eaten apples on the adams apple of young boys to toddlers insisting that the only fruit they will take in their tiffin box is Apple, the iPhone6 is undoubtedly the biggest sensation of the year!


But that’s just skimming the surface. Apart from the larger screen (now size matters for Apple Fanbois) and fitness tracker, have you heard about the latest claim about the iPhone6 being UNBREAKABLE? It is the hottest news since the Unsinkable Titanic.


Android users who have challenged the claim, are facing angry retorts with some fanbois even willing to put the iPhone6 to the ultimate crash-test. From stamping on it while dancing to bhangra beats to slamming it against the wall after frustrating client meetings, ask any Apple fanbuoy and he will be willing to give you a “Crash-course” just to prove that the iPhone 6 is unbreakable.


Here’s a pic of one such fanbuoy throwing the iPhone against Salman Khan’s chest to prove it.


Salman vs iPhone

Fanboy vs bhai – can iPhone6 survive bhai’s body?



Baba Doorbhash Das takes credit for this unique feature but was unavailable for comment. We could only find his followers chanting “Baba ka haath hai saath nahi chhutega, duniya badal jayegi, iPhone6 nahi tootega!


Ankit Technowadia, an IT professional has even made a site to prove the claim. Check it out at http://ift.tt/YzWShM



To increase voter turnout, government gives voting rights to court cases older than 18 years

New Delhi. In an unprecedented move, the government has announced voting rights to court cases older than 18 years. This has reportedly been done in a bid to improve the dwindling voter turnout in elections.


Lalu

Lalu’s reaction to the news.



Speaking to Faking News, Scamander Singh, a spokesperson of the government said, “India, despite having huge voting population, suffers from low voter turnouts across the country. To improve these voter turnouts, government has decided to provide voting rights to all court cases pending for more than 18 years. Right now, we have close to 30 million pending cases, out of which close to 10 million cases are older than 18 years. These 10 million cases with voting rights will surely add to the low voter turnout.”


“For all the cases with voting rights, any of the judges who have sat on any hearing on the case, can vote on its behalf. This landmark decision will enable us to rightly use these pending cases to our advantage,” Mr. Scam Singh further added.


Following this decision, Facebook and Twitter have also started allowing profiles for court cases older than 15 years, as advocated by their terms of conditions.


Now, it is not long before we see the Saradha Chit Fund Scam case vote for Mamata Banerjee or the Disproportionate Assets Case vote for Jayalalithaa, thus scams paying off electorally.



Friday, September 26, 2014

Friday faking release: Break Ke Baad

Provoked by an Indian’s claim that Modi alone could handle 10 Obamas, Obama challenges Modi for a wrestling match

Washington, D.C. Amazed and outraged after hearing comment of an Indian, Albela Mishra (fictitious name), who had earlier said that Modi alone could handle ten Obamas, US President has challenged Prime Minister Modi for a friendly wrestling match.


Albela Mishra made this sensational claim, along with many other claims like each Indian is capable of keeping five six Chinese in his/her pocket, while addressing a group of fellow Indians in Delhi Metro.


Modi Obama Fight

Is it possible? Was Albela Mishra correct?



You can watch that highly patriotic video here.


The viral video reached the US President too. A charged up Obama immediately challenged Narendra Modi to take out half an hour from his busy schedule to take part in a wrestling match.


“It’s a good opportunity for both the countries to test who between us is more powerful. And as even Albela Mishra suggested, this should be the ideal way to decide which country is more powerful. So let’s do it,” Obama said in a press conference at White House, adding that one should not judge people by their physical appearance.


“I may be less muscular than Modi, but that doesn’t mean Modi is capable of handling ten people like me,” Obama claimed, while taking off his shirt and flexing his muscles.


However, on being reminded that Modi was on Navratri fast, and it would be unfair on his part to challenge Modi at this point of time, Obama said that even he was ready to fast to make things even.


“Starting today, even I am on fast, and on the third day from today, I will fight with Modi,” he announced.


Reportedly, Obama has also invited Albela Mishra to watch the much awaited wrestling match.


Back home, talking exclusively to Faking News, Albela Mishra once again reiterated his faith in Narendra Modi.


Modi aisa dhobi pachaad maarenge Obama ko ki wo chaaro khaane chhitra jayega,” Mr. Mishra told Faking News.


Now whole world is eagerly waiting for this match, and if all goes well it might be accepted as a legal way to settle down disputes between two countries.


“It would be a good idea of organize a similar fight between Modi and Nawaz Sharif to end Kashmir issue, and between Putin and Ukrainian President to end Crimea problem,” hoped United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.


Meanwhile, a miffed Chinese President is mulling over the idea to dare Modi at India-China border in Ladakh.


“Being a 6 ft tall guy, Xi Jinping is pretty sure that Modi will not manage to keep him inside his pocket,” disclosed a source close to Chinese government.