Thursday, September 18, 2014

India offers to help China create replica of Ladakh on Chinese side of the border to stop intrusion

New Delhi. In order to put an end to the Chinese intrusion in Ladakh, Indian government has offered to help China create exact replica of Ladakh on Chinese side of the border.

Reminding Xi Jinping of his country’s unmatched talent of replicating things, Modi asked him to use it to bring peace between both the South Asian nations.


“C’mon man, this is too much”

In his meeting with Chinese President, Modi even mentioned how once lord Hanuman forgot his power, but after being reminded of his might he did great works.

“Our Prime Minister tried his best to find the most peaceful solution to the border issue,” said a PMO official adding that creation of new Ladakh on Chinese side would further strengthen Hindi-Chini bhai bhai slogan. “It will be like two brothers wearing similar cap.”

Modi government is expecting China to take India advice seriously as this will not only bring peace between both the nations, but will also be a big achievement for China.

“Before meeting with Xi Jinping, Modi Ji had told me that he was going to make an offer, which Xi Ji couldn’t refuse,” External Affairs Minister Sushma Swaraj told Faking News. “For a country like China, which is world known for copying things, offer of having a ‘Made in China Ladakh’ is too lucrative to reject.”

Reportedly, besides offering every possible help in duplicating Ladakh, India has promised to not file any copyright infringement case.

“It’s a gift from India to China. Once they will have their own Ladakh, they will be free to do whatever they want. Phir chahe tamboo lagayein, ya atom bomb phode, unki marji,” Sushma Swaraj added further.

Meanwhile, Chinese authorities are in a bit dilemma over the offer. Reportedly, they are finding such a large scale copy paste much more tougher than intruding into Indian border.

“Instead of copying Ladakh, Xi Jinping may make a counteroffer of starting construction work in Ladakh itself. He is very much impressed by the slogan – ‘Make in India’, which Modi raised few weeks back,” disclosed a source close to Chinese government.

Holding talks in Gujarat a ploy to keep Chinese PM farthest away from Arunachal Pradesh

New Delhi. If sources from PMO are to be believed, choosing Gujarat as a place to hold talks with Chinese PM was actually a ploy by Modi led Govt. to keep the Chinese delegation farthest away from Arunachal Pradesh.

“Yes, it was a precautionary exercise and well thought of decision. We didn’t want to let even a whiff of Arunachal’s air to pass through Xi-Jinping’s nostrils. It could have led to talks being derailed; hence we chose a place which was geographically farthest away from Arunachal Pradesh,” a source from PMO confirmed.

"No that is Sabarmati river, not Brahmaputra river"

“No that is Sabarmati river, not Brahmaputra river”

Holding talks anywhere close to Arunachal Pradesh would have carried huge risk of Chinese delegation getting distracted and forgetting why they were India in first place.

“It’s like if you are an engineer appearing for a job interview, and you encounter a good looking HR, you forget all your concepts and all your preparation goes for a toss,” the PMO source explained.

With this clarification, PMO also hopes to put rest to all speculations over why Gujarat was given preferential treatment by Ex state CM turned PM, and chosen ahead of any other state.

Before finalizing Gujarat, Govt wanted to play it so safe that they were even considering a plan to construct a standalone island in the middle of Arabian Sea off Gujarat sea coast, where bilateral talks would have happened.

But the idea was dropped after it was found to be economically not feasible.

“Also that would have put borders of African nations into danger,” pointed the PMO source.

Meanwhile now that Chinese PM has moved to Delhi, talks are on to convince him to extend his duration of stay by 2 more days.

“If he agrees, we will hold some more talks, but this time in Kanyakumari. This way he would be farthest away from Ladakh as well,” the source from PMO chuckled.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Uma Bharti asks opposition MPs not to use toilets near government offices

New Delhi. After figuring out that non-believers taking a dump around the Kedarnath temple area caused floods in Uttarakhand, Union Minister Uma Bharti has now asked opposition leaders not to take a dump anywhere near the government offices, for it could derail the good work done by the new government.

“Just as non-believers don’t have respect or faith in Hindu gods, these opposition MPs have no respect or faith in the Modi government,” Uma Bharti explained, “We can’t take any risk with these guys polluting our karmbhumi with their shit.”

Uma Bharti

Uma Bharti reacts after she was asked if CCTV cameras could be installed in all toilets to check if opposition MPs were taking a dump in those

She further claimed that ‘achchhe din’ as promised by the Modi government could have arrived on the very first day itself, but opposition leaders using toilets near Central Secretariat and Parliament undid all the hard work done by the NDA government.

“The deeds of the last government are responsible for our slow start, but the real reason is these people taking a dump near our offices,” she claimed.

The Water Resources Minister has requested the Prime Minister to ban use of toilets by the members of opposition not only in North and South blocks, but also in the Parliament.

“Modi ji had termed the Parliament as temple of democracy. How can we allow excreta of these people near the temple?” she argued.

When Faking News asked where the opposition leaders will go to attend their call of nature, she said that they could go to places like 10 Janpath or Delhi Legislative Assembly house which is lying unused as there is no state government in Delhi.

“Sonia Gandhi can’t sacrifice her toilets and bathrooms for her party men and allies?” she demanded to know.

While there was no official response from the Prime Minister’s Office over utterances by Ms. Bharti, opposition has slammed her for her superstitious and fascist views.

“They want to control our toilet habits, but we won’t give away our freedom,” thundered Congress leader Digvijay Singh, who is not an MP otherwise, “We will protest this by having a mass shitting program this Friday and we challenge the government to stop us if they can.”

“We won’t even use flush,” he added.

After BJP’s bypoll debacle, Uddhav Thackeray danced for one hour more than SP leaders

Mumbai. If reports from Matoshree are to be believed, immediately after it became clear that BJP has fared badly in the by-polls, Shiv Sena chief, Uddhav Tahckeray began dancing in his living room.

"Put your hands up in the air"

“Put your hands up in the air”

He was reportedly following proceedings of by poll results on TV and had already started shaking his legs after seeing BJP losing ground in early trends. And just when it became apparent that it was a debacle for BJP, he jumped from his chair and started dancing uncontrollably.

So long was his duration of dance that he ended up dancing for one hour more than Samajwadi Party’s leaders, who had a reason to dance as they were celebrating their victory in Uttar Pradesh.

After dancing for few hours, leaders of SP however got back to work ie: issuing stupid and communal statements, but Uddhav continued.

While dancing he was even heard screaming “Modi wave mazha paula” and “Yaa, Atta maaga seats”, sources confirm.

His happiness could be gauged from the fact that he even let go off few bihari autowallahs that his sainiks had brought to Matoshree as their daily routine. He sent them off with sweets for their family.

He stopped dancing only after he was told by aides that he was celebrating success of a North Indian party in Uttar Pradesh.

However after regaining senses he called up his Saamna team and blasted BJP, Modi, Amit Shah etc to his heart’s content.

“When BJP wins then Uddhav saheb doesn’t spare them, toh is baar toh banta tha boss,” argued a close aide of Sena chief when asked why did he do so to his own alliance partner?

Experts say it is the same feeling when an Indian fast bowler sees his colleague being ripped apart by batsmen.

“He himself may not be doing anything worthwhile but gets excited watching others fail,” an expert told Faking News.

Meanwhile after initially demanding their seat share be increased in Maharashtra, BJP is now in talks with Shiv Sena to retain whatever seats they have.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Woman marries off her son to maid to save on rising salary expectations of the maid

New Delhi. A woman in Tagore Garden region of West Delhi today shocked her neighbours and relatives by announcing marriage of her son to the maid working in her household.

Poonam Talwar, the 51 years old woman in question, was reportedly tired of looking for an affordable maid for last couple of months ever since her family shifted to Delhi from Punjab.

As per sources in Talwar household, not only was Mrs. Talwar shocked to hear salary expectations of maids, she was further surprised to find them taking 4-5 paid leaves in a month and festival bonus, much more that her husband working as a senior government employee was eligible for even after 30 years of service.

Current maid situation in India.

Current maid situation in India.

So fed up was she that despite being a Punjabi, she didn’t care about “what people will say” and decided to offer her son’s hand to a 20-year-old maid Manju (from Bihar) yesterday.

“The demands of maids have increased more exponentially than even inflation in UPA’s rule. If the trend continues, who knows in future their salaries could be at par with white collar professionals,” Poonam told Faking News, “It is better to plan now and have one maid in the family before we have a ‘maid boom’ in country like ‘IT boom’.”

“Just like a doctor treating his family members doesn’t get to charge them, a maid too wouldn’t be able to demand any remuneration,” Mrs Talwar argued while paying Rs. 50,000 for a Yorkshire puppy.

“And the way these maids argue and answer back, I think they are already in the ‘bahu’ mode,” the soon-to-be ‘saas’ pointed.

Mrs. Talwar has already spoken with Manju’s parents and has requested them to send the girl in just “do jodi pochcha and jhaadoo.”

When asked if wouldn’t it be foolish to spend so much in a marriage just to save on a maid’s salary, Mrs. Talwar shot back, “All these expenses on marriage, ceremonies and all are only going to be one time expense, which anyway we would have incurred had we married my son off to somebody from our caste.”

Talwar household wants Manju to continue working in other houses as a maid even after marriage. They feel with Manju working, their son would not be distracted and finish his studies.

“My son is in final year of engineering. I think at this point he would be happy to have his ‘relationship status’ changed from ‘single’ on Facebook,” Talwar said when asked if her son had given his nod to marriage.

“Modi wave indicator” to be installed at Juhu beach in Mumbai

Mumbai. With continuous and never-ending interest in the strength of “Modi Wave” in the country, the government has decided to install an indicator that will give daily updates about strength of the wave in the country.

Since Maharashtra is one of the states going to elections, the inaugural indicator will be installed at Juhu beach, sources confirm to Faking News.

“Just like there are currently signboards near the beach that inform people about days when they should expect high tides, the new board will inform people about the wavelength and frequency of the Modi wave they should expect in a week,” a government source disclosed.

Mumbai high tide

Is that really Modi wave? Or Modi wave doesn’t exist at all? Watch a 5-hour debate on national TV tonight.

The need for such an indicator or an index was felt after thousands of experts spent lakhs of hours analyzing the strength and direction of Modi wave ever since Narendra Modi was declared as the chief of poll campaign manager by the BJP last year.

“The mood in media, Twitter, Photoshop, railway compartments, and paan shops strictly depend on the Modi wave, we have realized,” the government source explained, “It has become more important than Sensex, but unfortunately we don’t have any index that captures this sentiment.”

It’s not yet clear who will provide the input data for the Modi wave index. Sources say that government is still in talks with various experts and a final formula is pending.

“Subramanian Swamy is insisting that he will provide the data based on his virat Twitter hashtag analyzer, while various neutral journalists are insisting that they should have exclusive rights to feed the data,” a source disclosed.

Apart from politicians, journalists, and jobless people on Twitter, many others too have welcomed the idea of Modi wave indicator at Juhu beach.

“I will sell Modi masks and Modi t-shirts at the beach on days the wave is strong,” explained a peanut-seller at Juhu beach on how Modi wave could help him in his daily life.

Monday, September 15, 2014

On Engineer’s Day, IT company requests clients to treat engineers like humans, at least for a day

Bangalore. On the pious occasion of Engineer’s Day, IT giant Diprosys has requested its clients to treat company employees like human beings, at least for the day.

It’s one of the many measures which company took to make employees feel special on Engineer’s Day.

IT Industry

Engineers celebrating Engineer’s Day.

“Considering the current status of engineers in our country, it’s our duty to do this. They need our love and care,” said CEO of the company Anand Swaminathan emphasizing upon the need to make engineers love their jobs, “If engineers continue to hate their jobs in the same way, it will be very dangerous for us.”

Reportedly, all foreign clients have been asked very strictly to help Diprosys cheer up its employees.

“In any of the today’s meetings, clients will not be using any derogatory terms like ‘idiot’ and ‘duffer’. However terms like ‘crap’ and ‘bullshit’ are allowed,” disclosed a company insider.

“If any of the clients even dared to say our engineers idiot or duffer, God promise, we will write ‘client is cruel’ comment in their project code, that too without even telling them,” roared a senior project manager on conditions of anonymity.

The celebrations for the day don’t end up with clients. To give them enough time to celebrate the day, engineers have been permitted to leave office early, say by 10 PM.

“They will still be left with 2 hours to party on their own. We are a company with golden heart,” boasted CEO of Diprosys.

As per HR managers of the company, all coffee machines inside company have been replaced by better machines.

“We have rented new machines for 24 hours. At least today, they deserve finer quality,” Anmol Sharma, HR Chief of the company told Faking News, “After all for whom the company is earning? If we are not going to spend on them, then what’s the use of all these dollars.”

Meanwhile, company employees appear to be too happy with the initiatives taken by higher management.

“Initially I thought it was a hoax. To check it, I intentionally made a mistake and surprisingly, my boss shouted at comparatively lower pitch. I was literally shocked,” said visibly jubilant Amit Agrawal, a junior software engineer working for Diprosys.