Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Congress leader accidentally sends mail taking responsibility for defeat in elections

New Delhi. In a major embarrassment to the ruling Congress party, a party leader has accidentally sent a mail to journalists taking moral and full responsibility for the party’s defeat in the 2014 general elections.


“Rahul ji tried his best and Priyanka ji gave the last moment energy, but leaders like me needed to work harder on ground. I accept the full responsibility of the defeat,” the leader said in the mail.


The Gandhis

The leaders who can’t fail



“But this electoral defeat will not defeat our spirits. Congress party is a thought, a soch, and as Rahul ji had saidyeh soch humaare dil mein hai – I solemnly swear to work for the betterment of the party under the leadership of Rahul ji and Priyanka ji and Sonia ji, and Vadra ji too,” the mail further read.


The party was clearly embarrassed with the mail that landed in many journalists’ inbox, but they quickly claimed that some “communal forces” had hacked the email account of the said leader and sent the mail.


“We are going to sweep the elections. Every leader and worker is confident that Congress alone will get 500 seats in this Lok Sabha. No leader can write such mail. This is the dirty tricks department of BJP at work,” party spokesman Sanju Jha told Faking News.


However, political experts claim that it could be a case of accidentally hitting the “send” button, and not any case of hacking.


“Since many opinion polls and analysts are predicting the worst defeat of Congress in these elections, there is a competition among the leaders to take the blame and shield Rahul Gandhi, thus getting in good books of the family,” an expert explained.


“I think this particular leader, and dozens others, must have composed a nice mail taking responsibility to be the first to impress the family. He might have clicked the ‘send’ button by mistake instead of clicking ‘save’ after adding Vadra to the list of leaders after yesterday’s defense of Vadra by Priyanka,” the expert claimed.


Many other experts too share the same view though they are not sure which will be the leader who could win this race.


“Or maybe Manmohan Singh could win the race again, pushed to the finishing line,” one of the experts opined.



Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Priyanka Gandhi planning to hire Manmohan Singh to teach Vadra the art of handling humiliation

New Delhi. Defending her husband Robert Vadra against land grabbing allegations, Priyanka Gandhi today blamed opposition for making false charges and said Robert was feeling very humiliated, as he was not mentally as strong as Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who has shown immense capability to put up all kinds of humiliations – whether from insiders or outsiders.


“The way opposition is treating my husband, it’s not fair at all. For god’s sake, he wears pink pants; such a soft-hearted private citizen he is!” said an upset Priyanka lashing out at BJP leaders.


Vadra Manmohan

Robert Vadra learning the art of getting humiliated and yet being chilled about it



“They are habituated of targeting Manmohan ji, so they think it’s okay to target my husband with such harsh words. But BJP should understand that everyone has their own capacity. So when it comes to humiliating, BJP can’t be so brazen in their attack on my husband,” Priyanka added further.


Political experts are not at all shocked at Priyanka’s comment, as she had earlier praised Manmohan Singh and had called him super PM.


“This shows why Priyanka Gandhi respects Manmohan Singh so much. She is highly impressed by Dr Singh’s quality of not minding being humiliated. In fact, entire Congress appreciates the Prime Minister for this quality, because of which he was rewarded with a second term. Many Congress leader look up to him as a source of inspiration, especially after Rahul Gandhi publicly called his cabinet’s decision a complete nonsense,” explained a well known political analyst working for a leading news channel.


“He is captain cool of the UPA government,” the analyst added.


Sources tell Faking News that a few days back, Priyanka Gandhi saw Robert Vadra sobbing and kicking the ground in middle of a football stadium sized land that he bought recently.


Vadra was perturbed because of BJP leader Uma Bharti’s threat of sending him to jail if Modi became the Prime Minister. Priyanka got emotional and upset seeing he husband so weak, and she immediately asked Manmohan Singh to console Vadra.


“It was that midnight, when Manmohan Singh taught him the first lesson of handling humiliation. Dr. Singh asked Robert vadra to say ‘Theek Hai’ whenever someone accuses him of anything,” revealed a source close to Gandhi family.


Party insiders say that Priyanka is mulling over the option of hiring Manmohan Singh as a full time personal trainer for Robert Vadra, once Dr. Singh retires from the post of Prime Minister next month.



Congress congratulates Robert Vadra for getting a clean chit from Priyanka Gandhi

New Delhi. After Priyanka Gandhi claimed that her family was being wrongly maligned by the BJP, Congress has congratulated Robert Vadra, a part of her family, for getting this clean chit from a Gandhi with the cleanest image.


“Hooda sir did his best. He kicked out Ashok Khemka and got a clean chit for Vadra, but the certificate by Priyanka ji is priceless,” a Congress leader from Haryana told Faking News.


Robert Vadra

Coming soon – a new and improved Vadra.



“Robert Vadra got lucky, again,” he added.


Party sources say that after Priyanka publicly defended Robert Vadra, Congress leaders were filled with new enthusiasm and energy to defend Vadra on his controversial land and real estate deals.


“When party leaders, many of them ministers in the government, had run to TV studios and journalists to defend Vadra, questions were raised as to why these people were feeling obliged to defend a private citizen. But now all the family loyalists feel vindicated,” a party source revealed.


Sources further reveal that there was some confusion among family loyalists after opposition spread rumors that Vadra could be suspended from the family to keep the image of the family clean, which has been the party’s mission and objective since India’s independence.


But now with Priyanka supporting her hubby with full force, the party has got the signal loud and clear that Vadra too was a clean, honest, secular, and progressive person, who should be written about in a favorable manner by historians and commentators.


“Congratulations sir, you are the epitome of honesty and a source of inspiration for every budding entrepreneur and small farmer in our country,” a congratulatory note delivered to Robert Vadra read.


Political experts say that the emotional family talk delivered by Priyanka Gandhi, which was different from the usual family stories told by Rahul Gandhi, signified a shift in Congress party leadership.


“This clearly shows that Priyanka is better at telling stories, and thus a better leader than her brother Rahul. This is a blow to Modi and Rahul both, but a damn good news for Vadra,” an expert claimed.



IPL players undergo training to remember which team they are part of as tournament progresses

Mumbai. IPL governing council has today ordered all players participating in IPL to undergo a mandatory training meant to enhance their memory and help them about the team they are part of as the tournament progresses.


The council took this decision after there were reports of players getting confused and forgetting which team they are part of and entering wrong dressing rooms in the process.


The course will aim at sharpening memory and clearing confusion in the minds of players which may arise due to them being part of so many different franchises and the long length of the tournament.


Not all players in this frame have played for just one franchise.

Not all players in this frame have played for just one franchise.



“There are some players who have been part of more IPL franchises than the matches they have played in all the seasons so far,” pointed a member of IPL council.


Last season players like Yusuf Pathan took advantage of the long length of the tournament and convinced owners of their franchise that they indeed performed in early part of the tournament, thereby retaining their place in the squad. The council wants to make sure such things are not repeated.


Not only this, the course will also aim at making teams and players remember which opposition they have played, beaten and lost to so far.


BCCI vice-president and IPL commissioner Ranjit Biswal too justified the course and argued its merits.


“It is still early days and we already have signs of players forgetting their teams,” Biswal told Faking News.


“Look how confused Murali Vijay was in yesterday’s match. Though in Delhi Daredevil’s jersey, Murali was still playing for his ex-team Chennai Super Kings,” Biswal argued to prove his point.


However rubbishing such accusations, Murali’s coach claimed his ward’s memory is very sharp and asked Biswal to look for his IPL record where he has never played for the team he has been a part of.


Meanwhile fans back in India have given thumbs up to the course and asked for a similar course that can help them keep track of the matches played with many not being able to remember them.



Monday, April 21, 2014

Pakistani players who praise Narendra Modi will be included in IPL-8: Giriraj Singh

Patna. Two days after courting controversy by saying that those opposing Narendra Modi would have to go to Pakistan after general elections, Giriraj Singh has issued another controversial statement.


The Bihar BJP leader has now declared that Pakistani players, who show public support and admiration for Narendra Modi, will definitely be included in the next season of IPL.


Pakistani players haven’t been part of IPL ever since 26/11 Mumbai attacks, even though Pakistani diplomats, actors, singers, journalists, gamblers, umpires, and commentators have been regularly visiting India, with many of them being integral part of the private T20 cricket league.


“Those who are supporting Modi ji are welcome to India, even if they are Pakistanis,” Giriraj Singh said at the risk of becoming “secular” in the eyes of his latest supporters and critics.


“Last time Pakistani players played in IPL, a Modi was in-charge. They can get a chance to play again as a Modi will be in-charge again!” Singh further added.


Giriraj Singh

Giriraj Singh explaining his plan



However, the BJP Lok Sabha candidate from Nawada constituency later clarified that the offer was valid till 12th May only, when polling conclude. Any support expressed thereafter will not be considered for the IPL visa.


Experts believe that this is a plan by BJP to try and show international acceptability for Narendra Modi. A leading secular expert on the condition of anonymity told Faking News, “They are trying to use IPL money to lure these players and later they will claim international and minority support both. BJP is just trying to fool people with help of corporate money.”


As soon as the expert mentioned “corporate money”, the Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) declared that they were opposed to Giriraj Singh’s and BJP’s plan to include Pakistani players in next edition of IPL.


“Our analysis says that Modi will add all the star Pakistani players in Mumbai Indians as he is controlled by Ambani. All the other IPL teams will lose out to Mumbai Indians if Modi becomes PM,” AAP leader Arvind Kejriwal exposed the devious plans of BJP.


Congress too has opposed Giriraj Singh’s move.


“Why is BJP ignoring Sri Lankan players who couldn’t play in Chennai last time and mostly went unsold this time? They are just talking about Pakistani players as BJP always indulges in minority appeasement,” Digvijay Singh claimed with a straight face.


While political parties were divided, the proposal has been welcomed by a lot of IPL viewers in India who are excited at the prospect of watching superstars from across the border.


However, many felt that Giriraj Singh needs to add that he will ban Ramiz Raja from commentary after government formation to get greater support from IPL fans.


Pakistani cricketers have not reacted to this offer as yet as they calculate the potential earnings from an IPL contract vis a vis the risk they face in their home country if they publicly support Modi.



LEAKED: Notes made by various politicians before delivering speeches

Narendra Modi


modi

The fact that Modi uses a communal colour paper to prepare notes is the point to be stressed upon.



Rahul Gandhi



Though Rahul carries notes, but he maintains Goof-ups are totally impromptu.



Arvind Kejriwal


Arvind Kejirwal

Uses an aam paper to prepare notes



Raj Thackeray


raj thackeray

Our reporter who managed to get these notes now fears for his life.



Mayawati


Mayawati speech

Take out Dalit and Modi, Mayawati will have nothing to speak about.



Mulayam Singh Yadav


Mulayam Singh Yadav speeck

As useless and incomprehensible as his speech.




Bangladeshis excited about creation of empty space by people planning to leave India once Modi wins

New Delhi. With people threatening to leave India or getting threatened of being deported to Pakistan if Narendra Modi came to power, Bangladeshis are eying this potential empty space.


Sources tell that People in Bangladesh have been expressing their happiness by bursting crackers after each voluntary announcement of leaving India or threat of deportation to Pakistan.


Bangladeshis

Crowd in Dhaka shouting ‘Abki baar Modi sarkar’.



“We are not going to snatch something, we are just migrating to fill the empty space, just like air and liquid flow into empty space. Earlier when we used to infiltrate, there was a guilt feeling, but now it’s fair and justified,” said a Bangladeshi while talking to Faking News, “If Indians think that we Bangladeshis don’t care for India, they are wrong. We do care for India, it’s like our own home.”


Excited by the prospects of Modi coming to power, many people in Bangladesh and Bangladeshis living in India have started rooting for Narendra Modi in 2014 general elections.


“Initially, we were not in mood to vote for Modi. But ever since people started promising to leave India if Modi becomes PM and thereby help in reducing country’s population, we changed our mind,” explained Abdul Gafoor, a Bangladeshi living in Assam.


“In my village, a couple of such people are there who had decided to infiltrate into Bhutan, but now they are hopeful of coming to India. I will invite them,” Gafoor revealed his future plan, amidst chant of ‘Abki bar Modi sarkar‘ by his fellow family members.


“Modi surely means hope,” he added.


But unlike Gafoor, many Bangladeshis living in India are not coming out openly in support of Modi, as they are expected to show their political loyalty to so called secular parties. “If we say it openly, most probably they will send us back to Bangladesh,” feared one Bangladeshi Modi supporter.


However, sources say that secular parties, which were earlier worried by outflow of secular votes from India, are quite happy with possible inflow of minorities from Bangladesh.


“By 2019, we will convince them to vote for us. It’s zero loss,” quipped a leader from one of the secular parties.