Friday, May 22, 2015

While frisking, Infosys security guard collapses by the smell of the unwashed tie used non-stop for 15 years

Bangalore. In a shocking development, security guard Bhagwan Singh who is working in Infosys Electronics city office, collapsed today morning while doing his regular duty of frisking employees at the north gate. When he was being taken to nearby Narayan Health center, he recovered after getting sufficient clean oxygen on the way.

Faking news reporter met Bhagwan to know more about it. Bhagwan narrated the incident as happened. “Sir, I did not have a good sleep previous night as the IPL match got over very late, still I reported dot on time to complete my nine and half hours of duty. Friday mornings are usually tough as in addition to regular checking of what all employees carry to office, we need to see whether they are wearing tie or not.”

“Some kind of strange smells were coming from the ties as we could see most of them were not washed for years. In addition, quite a few of them carried the unwashed gym dress which does not make our life easier. I do not know what happened next till I got my sense back with oxygen mask on my face.”

Minutes before collapsing.

Minutes before collapsing.

Faking news asked Infosys management why no action has been taken by tech bellwether even after one year of Swachh Bharat Abhiyan launched by Modiji. One of the senior HR employee Mr. Kamath told us on the condition of anonymity, “I am working in Infosys for last twenty five years. I have done a research paper on this. As per my findings, most of the techies who are bachelors are afraid of washing the ties themselves or giving it to a laundry as the knot would be removed in the process and after that they do not know how to knot it back.”

When we asked Mr Kamath if he knew how to knot the tie, he said, “Let me confess I am not very good at it. Luckily my wife helps me in keeping my ties clean and ready. Unlike techies I need to wear them every day as I have to meet so many clients, vendors on regular basis.”

Mr. Kamath revealed that he gave two suggestions as part of his final report to higher management. “How to knot the tie should be a compulsory course as part of training curriculum and like fire drill, this should be repeated every quarter. Second, during campus placement and off campus recruitments, the interviewer should ask and check whether the job aspirant knows how to knot the tie.”

Infosys security guards association have requested Mr. Vishal Sikka to look in to the matter on urgent basis so that in future no one suffers like Bhagwan Singh. However they want wearing tie should remain compulsory as this HR policy was initiated by none other than Mr. Narayan Murthy.

Till a long term solution is found they have asked for tie sensors on the lines of alcohol sensors that traffic police use so that they do not have to go too close to the employee. As there is nothing of the sort of tie sensors readily available in the market, Infosys has assigned few IITians whom it has recruited in campus placement to work on this asap and if makes sense file a patent in this regard.

Engineer forms start-up that will give ideas to other engineers for start-ups

Bangalore. A recently graduated engineer-entrepreneur Kumar has come up with a ground breaking idea that has shaken the start-up circuit to its core.

Entrepreneur Kumar (earlier his Facebook profile read ‘Engineer Kumar’) has founded a start-up that will assist other engineers to come up with billion dollar ideas for their own start-ups.

Kumar may seek guidance from another start-up on his start-up.

Kumar may seek guidance from another start-up on his start-up.

When asked how he came up with the idea, Kumar told Faking News, “I believe that every Indian engineer aspires to be the next Steve Jobs or Elon Musk. They all dream of giving big speeches, and some even get a boner seeing the word CEO. I myself was working in Infotys. And just like any other engineer whenever I got bored, I thought of start-up ideas. I started noting them down, and within a few days I had a plethora of ideas.”

Entrepreneur Kumar has named his company “Mera Idea Le Le” (MILL).

He has started customer acquisition by going to all major engineering colleges in the country and asking final year students to buy his ideas. As of now, 78 engineers, whom he calls “Vellas” have registered to take services from Mr. Kumar’s burgeoning company.

The tagline for MILL as he likes to call it, is “Daane daane pe likha hai khane vale ka naam. Har start up idea pe likha hai CEO ka naam”, which even we agree is peculiarly stupid, but Kumar claims that it works for his client base.

MILL recently had its first round of funding in which it received a whopping 501 Rupees from Sequia Fapital. Entrepreneur Kumar had this to say about this development, “People at Sequia Fapital have been really generous towards MILL. This funding is five times of what I get as shagun at my birthday, so I am really obliged to them. They just made me fill out a form which states that ‘I, Entrepreneur Kumar will not be the next Rahul Yadav’, and gave me the money.”

In Tweets: Royal Challengers Bangalore vs Chennai Super Kings, Qualifier 2

After Qualifier 1 and Eliminator, Faking News is back again with some of the tweets by its team (IndianPsycho), on the last match of this IPL season before final.

The match began with some confusion between IPL followers, especially girls

However, very soon with the way RCB was playing, even purists became interested in the game

In fact RCB was scoring so slowly, with run rate even below 6, that it made fans wonder if…

And when RCB finished their innings, there was only one hope for them

However no chase is easy when you have Dhoni is your line up

But probably for the first time, Dhoni failed to take his team through a chase

And Rain showed why it is still not a big match player

Friday faking release: Welcome to Karachi

Pakistan offering Geelani to fly on their passport.

Pakistan offering Geelani to fly on their passport.

Mumbai man reaches Pune trying to catch Vodafone signal, loses 10 Kgs

Mumbai/Pune. An Oshiwara based man today created record by traveling over 250 Kms in his bid to catch Vodafone signal on his mobile. In the process, Abhay Bansal, who embarked from his residence at 10 pm on 20th May’ 15, finally reached Pune in the wee hours of 22nd May.

Relieved at finally having found full signal strength and having reached Pune in the cheapest possible way, Abhay led out a loud scream of joy before speaking to our reporter.

“I was on a call with my long distance girlfriend, based in Pune. Unable to hear her properly with voice cracking several times in between, I decided to take a stroll outside my building compound to catch the network. I never knew I would almost end up at her residence in my endeavor to do so,” he said as he hugged his girlfriend.

“Having reached Pune now, I want to take a moment to thank Vodafone for ‘literally’ bridging the gap between callers,” he said with a huge smile on his face.

Abhay with group of other Vodafone users.

Abhay with group of other Vodafone users.

However there were moments when Abhay thought he had got it.

“But I soon realized that I was confusing network bars/indicators with battery bars,” he disclosed.

Abhay just didn’t stop there but went on and on to praise Vodafone.

“Having Vodafone connection teaches you a lot and makes you a man. On my way I encountered several other fellow Vodafone users, but not many had the strength and determination to go for the kill. They gave up after just traveling few kms,” he revealed. “It’s not a child’s play to survive on a Vodafone connection, you see.”

“I would recommend Vodafone subscription to anyone trying to lose weight. It is the best possible cardio exercise and best part is that it is just a by product of you trying to achieve something else,” a 10 kg lighter and fitter Abhay said.

“To be honest I used public transport till Chembur, but after that the journey was completely on foot,” he confessed.

Abhay though suggested Vodafone to make one small change in their ads.

“There is a minor glitch in their ads though. Instead of having wherever you go our network follows you, it should be more like where ever our network goes, you follow us,” he pointed.

Having become one of the rare human beings to catch full Vodafone signal, Abhay has now decided to write a book “Discover the Vodafone signal in your mobile”  to help all Vodafone users who struggle daily.

Couple become parents twice, waiting for perfect online honeymoon deal

Bangalore. Obsession with online deals reached another level, when a newly married couple didn’t realize that they have had two babies while still waiting to zero down on a honeymoon package.

Pravin Kumar, IT Manager based out of the city was completely out of his wits when the travel agency refused to accommodate two extra people from their house in their honeymoon package, who as the couple discovered, were their own kids.

Pravin and Sakshi, both IT engineers at Infosys got married 3 years back, as soon as they got a deal during the off season. Since then, they’ve been struggling to find a perfect Honeymoon package abroad. They’ve been stalking and pestering couples who’ve been to Sri Lanka, Bhutan, even Andaman etc to inquire about the details of their experience there.

Sakshi remembers talking to a couple who went to Afghanistan for a week long getaway, which later turned out to be a ISIS recruit camp. They obviously turned that offer down as they were both vegans and fond of exotic liquors like Budweiser, which is a strict no-no in such destinations. They even requested their superiors to send them onsite together, this way they could explore the otherwise “out of budget” countries, which didn’t work out as the lead himself had similar plans.

Still browsing for the perfect deal!

Still browsing for the perfect deal!

They could never really get a wholesome package as they’d expected. Sometimes the airlines prices, at other times the hotel accommodation prices and even sight seeing expenses at some instances would fly crazily over the top.

Recently, Pravin couldn’t contain his excitement as he received a communication from a company giving an offer he couldn’t refuse (sic).

He was offered a trip to Nepal, including outdoor tent stay, international packed meals from all countries, 24*7 media attention, adventure activities like rock-dodging etc etc. He was totally sold when he got to know that he could also get a chance to fly back in IAF flights free of cost. He instantly booked himself a deal to make his long time dream come true.

Now, in this rat race to grab the best deal, Pravin and Sakshi forgot a minor thing that they are already parents to two kids.

“This is absolutely unfair. We can’t be denied a good honeymoon just because we have so called ‘kids’,” Pravin told our reporters. Sakshi seems to have gone into depression and is constantly looking for deals on Practo with a psychiatrist.

She told us how both of them as a couple have a long history of exploiting lucrative offers, Black fridays and Monsoon dhamaka being their favorite times of the year. She couldn’t stop her tears remembering the one time when she bought specs from lenskart despite having a perfect vision because they offered a flat 12.5%off on the lenses, an investment for the future she likes to call it.

Executives at who have full sympathy with the couple, however deny to budge in this case. According to the sources, with PM and his troop flying to places so frequently, it has become really difficult to even get seats. Due to this, in their ‘reasonable packages’, they even fly couples separately on different flights and also to separate destinations in some cases to make the trips happen. In such a scenario, including these two extra people is totally out of question.

However, when asked about two people being kids of the couple, manager said he didn’t mind that as he also could go on a honeymoon only after what was his fifth anniversary, as he was waiting for the right time.

Arnab Goswami completes counting one million seconds on Newshour

Mumbai. One of the main activities that goes on in Arnab Goswami’s News Hour is his measuring time in seconds. While the reason for or the strategy behind this is still not known to the rest of the world, one would have observed Arnab saying “One sec, one sec, one sec” all the time, right from before the show begins till after it ends.This has now become by far the most uttered sentence in the history of television. At about one and half hours into the show last Thursday, Arnab achieved this milestone of having counted one million seconds.

“One sec, one sec, one sec everybody"

“One sec, one sec, one sec everybody”

While even the experts on the Goswami Phenomenon are at loss as to why he does this for no apparent reason, they have their own guesses. One says, “Arnab used to be a normal journalist and news program anchor. But once he became the greatest journalist of all times on the greatest show on earth from the No. 1 news channel in the world, he started counting seconds. Maybe being in such a position, he is required to behave like that.”

Another expert however differed. “Success, perceived or real and popularity, perceived or real can do such things to people. Maybe he does this to let the panellists know that they are wasting his time. If you observe, he counts seconds exactly when others are talking. It is like saying, ‘hey, I am doing you a favour by inviting you to the greatest show in earth. Only I am supposed to talk. Not you. ’ ”

While the debate goes on, the panellists on the show have a novel use for this rare phenomenon. They use this to measure the amount of time they have been panellists on the News Hour, and according to them, hence a measure of their importance and popularity.

Maroof Raja seems to be the biggest beneficiary by clocking five hundred thousand seconds, with General Bakshi doing four hundred thousand. Several others like Sanjay Jha, Manish Tiwari, Meenakshi Lekhi and Ravishankar Prasad have counted upwards of two hundred thousand each.