Sunday, November 23, 2014

Man who quit gym in three days reveals, “I just wanted new shoes”

New Delhi: 28-year-old James Lazly who quit the gym after just three days revealed today that he joined the gym just because he wanted new shoes and his wife was not letting him buy a pair.


“She’s got 22 pair of shoes which she doesn’t even wear but when I asked her to buy one for me she started preaching about how we’re always running out of budget. Sadly, we never agree on anything and I know that it’s an astrological thing. After all, I’m a Libra and she is a bitch. That’s when this idea of joining gym struck me,” James Lazly told Faking News.


lazy-man

“I am genius”



Apparently, Lazly convinced his wife that he is joining the gym and he’s going to be productive like never before. And his poor wife bought him a new pair of shoes, a track suit, a carry bag and a new water bottle the very next day.


“I didn’t know it was his plan to buy new things. Look, Lazly is originally from Mexico and you know how lazy Mexican people are as anyone who can run, walk, swim or do any damn thing that requires you to move your ass has already crossed the border. I was just happy that he decided to work-out and be productive,” Lazly’s wife said with a sigh.


“Earlier whenever I told him to try and lose weight he’d wake up early and start watching inappropriate videos of Bipasha Basu and Shilpa Shetty. Joining the gym was at least a better idea,” she further added.


When asked how he spent three days in the gym, Lazly said, “Well, there was a quote written in their office that kept me motivated for three days.”


“You’ve paid in advance and we offer no refund. These were the words of wisdom that made me move my ass constantly for three days,” Lazly stated.


“I didn’t lose any of my weight. All I lost was my sleep and my money. It was okay but things went completely out of hand when they told me that they don’t know of any exercise that helps you enlarge your penis. It broke my heart and I decided to quit from the fourth day,” Lazly further added.


When asked why he didn’t take inspiration from the people who lose weight and look good like the new Adnan Sami and continued the gym, Lazly said, “What new Adnan Sami, he doesn’t even look like Adnan Sami anymore.”


“I don’t know what I’ll do with this membership card but I think it’s a cool gadget to scratch your back,” Lazly said smiling.



Saturday, November 22, 2014

Engineering student walks into law college, has heart attack on seeing so many girls

Bhopal. Earlier this week, on his way to the campus doctor for the stomach trouble he’s been facing because of all the years in school and college he’s spent wearing his pants up to his chest, Arvind Parikkar, a 3rd year Mechanical Engineering student of CHAMPU (Chanakya Himachal Andhra Madhya Pradesh University), fell off his Activa as he was driving it through the law college.


His body hit the ground as the Activa skidded off into a corner, hitting Ram Kumar Bihari’s omelette and maggi stand.


Shocked

Onlookers say Arvind’s facial expression was almost like this.



A crowd of onlookers assembled on the spot and surrounded him, as his carefully pressed and ironed trousers and shirts got dusty and the 95 pens he kept in his pocket flew all over the place.


The crowd stopped the emergency medical care that arrived in the form of a rickshaw and a medical student who insists on everyone calling him ‘doctor’. After the crowd dispersed upon realizing he was an engineering student and not a law student who would make a scene shouting out ways in which he planned to sue mother Earth for the fall, the medical student and the rickshaw wallah took him to the campus doctor.


The campus doctor tested his vital signs, gave him the essentials of life like a pen drive filled with Game of Thrones Season 1 and a laptop to watch it on, and put him under observation.


The doctor told us that it was an acute case of virgin-itis, where the patient, having never seen more than 5 women in his entire life, and those too only aunties who pulled his cheeks when his Board marks came out, saw, upon entering the law college, 2 girls walking and talking on the sidewalk; on going further saw 3-4 more girls sitting on the lawn chatting and finally suffered his heart attack when, upon turning he corner, he saw a girl and a girl holding hands and cuddling with each other, upon seeing which his breathing got shallower and he started seeing stars in the daylight.


The doctor says that the patient has all the normal symptoms of virgin-itis, such as being an engineering student, protesting against couples holding hands and kissing in public in groups with others afflicted with the disease out of jealousy and messaging women he had never met on Facebook with a ‘hi…..’.


The doctor has put him under observation for 24 hours, at the end of which he will be shown reassuring photos of college labs filled with only boys and academic buildings with no girl toilets so that he may be able to return to his life suffering no major follow up complexities.


His stomach infection is also being looked into. He is currently only being served, in accordance with the Kumar Vishwas Yuva Swasth Yojana, by nurses from Kerela.



Friday, November 21, 2014

Friday faking release: Na Ghar Ke Na Ghaat Ke

Ranjit Sinha unfazed by SC decision, says mentally he was already removed from 2G probe

New Delhi. CBI Director Ranjit Sinha today remained unfazed by Supreme Court’s decision to remove him from the 2G case investigation.


Expressing no emotion over SC’s move, Sinha claimed that he was mentally already removed from the 2G probe and thus the decision of the apex court doesn’t affect him at all.


Ranjit Sinha

A relieved Ranjit Sinha



“Life goes on normal for me. I had long detached myself from the case, which was quite evident from the way it was progressing. I am happy SC took notice of it and did what they felt was needed,” Ranjit claimed.


When asked that doesn’t he feel humiliated to be kicked out of a case just 12 days before he is set to retire, he said,” Had I been too much dedicated to the case, I would have felt bad, but it’s been years now and believe me, I don’t even remember the case details.”


“Also having worked closely with Ex Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh, I have kind of become immune to humiliation and such small things don’t embarrass or affect me any longer,” Sinha quickly added.


Now that Ranjit is set to retire, many reputed zoos from across the country are offering him a accommodation.


“Once a caged parrot, always a caged parrot,” a Zoo in charge quipped when asked about the logic behind their offer.



Thursday, November 20, 2014

Employee with unused sick leaves knows when exactly he is going to fall ill as 2014 moves towards end

Mumbai. As year 2014 moves towards end, Doordarshi Kumar, an IT employee in his mid twenties with around 5 unused sick leaves this year, is claiming that he knows on what exact dates he is going to fall ill in the next 40 days.


However, Doordarshi refuses to reveal all the dates. He says he reveal those to his boss at proper time.


happy-man

“Yes, I am going to fall ill, on paper.”



“Just to make you guys believe that I am not lying, as of now all I can disclose is that I will be having fever on Friday,” Doordarshi told Faking News, adding that fortunately it will make his weekend an extended weekend, “But, it’s just a coincidence, nothing more.”


As per Doordarshi, with his psychic abilities, he feeling even more powerful than Nostradamus.


“Unlike Nostradamus, I not only make prophecies, but I am also capable of rescheduling my illness related prophecies. For example, the fever that I will be suffering from on Friday, was initially scheduled for Tuesday. Then I thought, maybe a fever on Tuesday would hamper my Wednesday’s work, that’s why I preponed it to Friday,” Doordarshi described how with great powers come great responsibilities.


“I hope, my boss would we be happy to know how much I care about work. I am getting a feeling that I will remain sick for around 7 days in the remaining 40 days of this year. But with only 5 sick leaves in hand, I need to plan it more properly,” Doordarshi further added.


On being asked how he was feeling after realizing that fever was coming towards him on Friday, Doordarshi said that he was looking forward to it.


“I am all set to face the demon. And you know what, I am not afraid of it. In fact, I am going to celebrate my illness in Goa. As I am knowing all this in advance, I have already composed an email which I will be sending to my boss to inform him about my fever,” a charged up Doordarshi presented his mature side. “Sometimes dropping sick leave mail works faster than medicine.”


Meanwhile, after coming to know about Doordarshi’s secret powers, many residents of his housing society have started requesting him to predict when they were going to fall ill.



Couple lose camera during holiday trip, use Photoshop to recreate pics for Facebook

New Delhi. Panic struck a couple after they found the DSLR camera, which had all the pics of their just concluded holiday trip, to be missing.


While the camera certainly was expensive, but the couple is more distressed about the photos they had clicked and claimed it’s an estimated loss of minimum 450 likes on Facebook.


“I always tell my husband to immediately take backup of all the photos that he clicks on the cameras in the mobile phone, pen-drive and laptop, but he doesn’t listen to me,” rued the wife as husband looked down, wiping tears off his eyes.


Couple were last seen photoshopping their faces on this pic.

Couple were last seen photoshopping their faces on this pic.



Couple however suspects another couple friend of theirs to be behind this act.


“I am sure it’s the handiwork of Mr and Mrs Sinha, with whom we had planned this joint holiday trip. They were somehow averse to us updating status every now and then on Facebook,” the husband revealed.


“I could sense they were jealous when our check-in at the airport received more likes, comments and blessings than theirs,” the husband pointed.


“They virtually ignored us when I hi fived with my wife on crossing 100 likes, while boarding the plane,” he further recalled.


However not to be bogged down by the tragedy, the couple is determined and fully committed to their upload holiday pics on Facebook, come what may.


To make it possible the couple has now purchased a high quality photoshopping software and would photoshop pics to be uploaded.


“Hello! This is not a hoax. We will honestly photoshop only those destinations where we actually went and clicked photos on our camera,” the wife retorted when asked if they are not resorting to lies in order to get likes.


Meanwhile finding it a time consuming exercise, the couple is planning to put an advertisement on newspapers, appealing to the thieves to return their photos and keep the camera if they want. They are also offering cash reward to thief.


“We are even considering a second trip to same destination, if photoshopping doesn’t yield the desired result,” the couple disclosed.



Wednesday, November 19, 2014

A day after Arpita Khan’s grand marriage ceremony, media feeling more tired than her family members

New Delhi. As Salman Khan’s sister Arpita Khan’s much talked about marriage ceremony came to an end last night, a day after, Indian media houses are feeling more tired than Arpita’s family members.


The fatigue, which news anchors are reporters are going through, is even worse than what father and brother of a bride feel on the day next to the wedding.


Arpita Khan

A burden off media’s shoulders.



Faking News visited offices of various news channels and news sites and found many of the employees sleeping here and there in the offices. However, despite all tiredness, a satisfaction was visible on every face.


“I can’t explain how happy I am that she found the right life-partner and starting a new life,” said Ashish, a news anchor, after being woken up by our reporter. “This temporary weariness is nothing in front of that permanent happiness,” he added as few drops of tears trickled down his cheeks.


Ashish was continuously reporting on every single detail about Arpita’s marriage for the last three days, as he didn’t want his channel viewers to miss anything.


“I wanted my reporting to be pitch perfect. During Arpita’s vidai coverage, I almost broke down on camera,” Ashish continued, “At that moment, to stop my tears, I told myself – ladki to paraya dhan hoti hai, ek naa ek din to use jana hi hota hai.”


Another top executive of a news website, Prakash, had almost a nervous breakdown after an image slider with Arpita’s marriage photos suddenly stopped working.


Reportedly, he picked up a broom to beat the tech guys who were managing the site.


“For few minutes, the slider glitch enfeebled the level of celebratory environment on our website,” revealed an employee of the news website, “But the issue was fixed immediately and everything was back to normal. Today, Prakash sir is on leave. He worked so hard to make this marriage coverage unforgettable. He was taking opinions of at least ten consulting editors before finalizing caption of each pic. He deserves a break.”


Meanwhile, many news channels have issued an advance apology to their viewers, in case any news anchor or reporter falls asleep while reading or reporting other news.