Sunday, March 29, 2015

Man turns politician after addressing a large crowd in Delhi Metro

New Delhi. A man achieved immeasurable feet by turning into a politician after he ‘accidentally’ addressed a large crowd on a Delhi Metro station. The common man achieved the feet unintentionally, sources confirm.

It all started after the man slipped on a banana peel while boarding the Metro. He got annoyed and started cursing the system and the government, drawing immediate and rapt attention from onlookers and fellow passengers.

The impromptu speech started when the man uttered a universally acceptable incestuous word aka Jaime Lannister against the Indian government (which every Indian somehow relates to). Then the man started blaming the government for everything from increased crimes to potholes to reservations.

Crowd at Delhi Metro station

The first rally by FML

The message soon resonated with the thousands of passersby travelling via Rajiv Chowk Metro station (which other metro station has so many people?) and the crowd started gathering around to listen him.

The man identified as Fukre ‘Mika’ Lal, is being referred as FML by his supporters.

He has now gathered a lot of attention to be considered a relevant game changer in upcoming political scene, claims the overly enthusiastic Indian media. The party that FML established at the Metro station has been named DARD (Desi Aadmi Rona Dhona) party.

A Faking News reporter present on sight was able to talk to one of the people in the crowd. On asking what made has made the common man so impressed by FML, he said, on conditions of anonymity, “Well, to be honest it was me who had thrown that banana peel on which he almost slipped and killed himself. But he successfully blamed the system and the government. I think this impressed everyone, not only me.”

Meanwhile BJP chief Amit Shah has already started strategizing against FML and has called him a “Naxalite” lest DARD starts winning elections.

Arvind Kejriwal too is all set to schedule a press conference where he is expected to present staggering evidence against FML for his involvement in “multiple” scams, thus leaving him and his party as the only genuine party that can blame the system.

FML reacted to all this by saying “Tum dono se na ho paayega.”

Saturday, March 28, 2015

BCCI to buy New Zealand country ahead of #CWC15 final

Mumbai. BCCI today has announced that the board is in talks with the government of New Zealand to buy the country and make her become the first colony of Republic of India. The decision was taken by the board after Indian cricket team’s dismal performance against Australia, in the world cup semi-final match.

“It is a well known fact that BCCI is the richest sports body in the world. But, little does everyone know that we have enough money to buy countries. Talks are on with the government of New Zealand, in fever pitch, to close the deal prior to Sunday, the 29th of March, for India to emerge victorious in #CWC15,” the BCCI spokesperson bowled over Faking News correspondent with his opening spell.

"dene ka bhav bolo"

“dene ka bhav bolo”

“The decision to select New Zealand was a no brainer. Even with all our cash might, we still cannot afford an Australia. The country is just too big. Bigger than India! That leaves us with only one choice to bat for New Zealand. Know what? It is only one tenth of the size that of India,” BCCI spokesperson explained the inside story about the decision.

When Faking News correspondent gently informed that the per capita of New Zealand is about 25 times greater to that of India’s, the BCCI spokesperson gave a kind of stare that would make even Einstein appear stupid. “Who cares about India’s per capita? At BCCI, it is board’s per capita and it is a few thousand times higher than that of New Zealand’s. With no further match-fixing in IPL, we still can buy a couple of more New Zealand and add another West Indies just for the kicks,” stumped the spokesperson.

“I know! You are going to ask the inevitable question: ‘What if New Zealand loses the final?’ We have thought thru this very elaborately and have a backup plan to handle such an outcome. Since we cannot buy Australia, talks are already on with every individual of the Australian cricket team, including the support staff. In the mostly likely event of an Aussie win, the guys who walk up to hold the trophy will all be Indian Aadhaar card holders,” the BCCI spokesperson concluded the grand scheme to the sports columnist of Faking News, a cricket enthusiast himself, leave wondering whom to support on Sunday’s final of #CWC15.

Quota activist stops consuming milk products to stay away from anything “creamy-layer”

New Delhi: Veteran quota activist and minority rights evangelist Animesh Bhasudia shocked his twitter followers yesterday evening by tweeting that he would not be consuming any milk products ever in his life again. This tweet led to a lot of heated arguments among his followers on twitter, speculating that Mr. Bhasudia is now planning to leave his fight for minority groups and will be switching over to cow rights and other animal right causes.

Bhasudia however deleted that particular tweet later and clarified through further tweets that his original tweet was being misinterpreted. He clearly stated that he is discontinuing the consumption of milk products because he wants to stay away from anything that generates a creamy layer. He also assured his followers that he is still committed to the cause of discovering newer communities to join the list of communities that would be needing aid and help from government to flourish.

Bhasudia's latest agenda.

Bhasudia’s latest agenda.

Our reporter caught up with Mr. Bhasudia for an exclusive interview at his Bungalow in New Delhi.

FN Reporter: Namaskaar Mr. Bhasudia

Mr. Bhasudia: Morning, morning.

FN Reporter: Sir, you openly declared on twitter yesterday and said that you won’t be consuming any milk products from now on. What was all that about?

Bhasudia: Oh that innocuous tweet was blown out of the proportion by some zealous followers. I explained that to everyone yesterday itself. What I meant by that tweet was that I hate any kind of conversations about creamy layers hence I want to stay away from any type of objects that generate a creamy layer.

FN Reporter: But why do you hate the creamy layer so much?

Bhasudia: Do you ever drink milk? How exactly do you feel when a glass of milk is kept outside for a few minutes and the cream starts floating on top of it? … I’ll tell you how I feel. I feel disgusted. I feel like the environment has sucked up a part of the amount of milk I wanted to consume and now I have less milk left to consume. I just hate the whole procedure. It feels like someone has undermined my rights to completely consume a resource. Because when I own something I want it completely, without any clauses, laws, rules and checks etc.

FN Reporter: Hmm. So you have left the consumption of milk all together?

Bhasudia: Nope, I have moved onto Soya milk now, a higher quality resource, no one can steal my rights from me now. Not even the creamy layer can.

FN Reporter: Do you know that a private jet also leaves a “creamy layer” of smoke behind when it flies?

Bhasudia: I don’t see how this question is related to anything?

FN Reporter: What I meant was that you own a private jet. Are you going to let-go this jet as well, on the same grounds as milk products?

Bhasudia: No well .. what kind of question is that? Ok let me clarify .. see I am letting go of things that I myself possess, the jet is actually a gift … from the people who love and respect me and my social activism. How can I let go of such a precious token of love? So I’ll keep that.

FN Reporter: So if someone gifts you a glass of milk, technically you can still drink that, because that is a gift?

Bhasudia: I will, definitely will drink that, I simply cannot reject a gift. I love gifts and freebies.

FN Reporter: Quite serious thoughts there. So if I just summarize it correctly it all boils down to the fact that you wish to own a resource completely without any conditions or checks, and that’s precisely the reason why you are so much against the creamy layer which takes a part away from the resource which you own.

Bhasudia: Absolutely, you summarized it pretty well.

FN Reporter: The followup question then is, why do you want to own that resource completely, without any questions being asked to you?

Bhasudia: I just want to, it belongs to me.

FN Reporter: But why? Who says it belongs to you solely?

Bhasudia: I think you should be leaving now.

FN Reporter: Well I still have few questions left.

Bhasudia: I think it was a mistake to have you here.

FN Reporter: Sir? .. Mr. Bhasudia?

Mr. Bhasudia promptly kept down his microphone and left the room without completing the interview. Our reporter was then politely escorted out of his bungalow. Later this evening Mr. Bhasudia tweeted the following to his followers:

“Dear Media,

I may be a foodie, but my food habits should not be a matter of national importance.

~ A crusader of fairness and equality.”

Friday, March 27, 2015

Friday faking release: Dirty Politics

Kejriwal writes a thank you letter to Dhoni and Times Now for shifting focus off AAP’s massive internal war

New Delhi. In another letter leaked from AAP, albeit this time not from Prashant Bhushan, it has been found that AAP supreme Arvind Kejriwal thanked Indian captain MS Dhoni and Times Now for helping shift focus away from massive internal war within AAP yesterday.

Worried that the most massive showdown within AAP would be hogging headlines everywhere on Prime time, Kejriwal was relieved to find ace anchor Arnab Goswami debating about India’s defeat in semi-final match against Australia instead for one hour.

“I was wrong about Arnab ji all along. He is not anti-AAP and certainly not anybody’s agent,” Kejriwal told Faking News.

He further told us how pleasantly shocked he was to see no media person question him about those sting tapes, ever since he returned from Bangalore.

“So somewhere I had this feeling even this thing will not get coverage from Media, but the massiveness of the rift had me in two minds and I thought maybe they will,” Kejriwal confessed.

“Also I thought this time now that India has lost and these channels would have nothing else to discuss about cricket further and they would certainly shift focus to us. But thanks to Arnab and Times Now for setting the narrative and shifting focus from us,” Kejriwal added.

When asked why did he thank Dhoni in his letter, Kejriwal shot back, “Do you really think had it not been for his effort and conduct in the world cup, Indians would have got united in standing behind him?”

Kejriwal further expressed satisfaction over no trend related to AAP hogging limelight on Twitter with #ShameonTimesNow attracting attention of one and all.

So much so that AAP volunteers did not even bother to trend stuff like #AKweAreWithYou #OpportunistBhushanYadav or any other such hashtag on Twitter to show their solidarity.

“This time supporters from all political parties were united in going after Times Now,” Kejriwal said, ““sab actually mein mile hue the ji.”

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Japan builds 400 km sea wall to fend off Kaiju attack from film Pacific Rim

Tokyo: The Japanese government has approved a plan to build a massive 400 kilometre Kaiju resistant wall along its coastline after the movie Pacific Rim made a delayed release in the island nation. This has been attributed to the Censor Board of Film Certification in Japan being headed by an eminent member of the Indian community.

Believing the movie to be a foreboding of things to come and after watching the aliens in Avengers come down from the sky, the government decided that between the two movies and the possibility of a world-wide Zombie threat as portrayed in World War Z, building a wall around their nation was not half a bad idea.

The Japanese Union Minister for Infrastructure and Development had this to say about the matter, “If the Chinese can build a big wall, why can’t we?”

The fact that the weight of this enormous construct could accelerate the sinking of the nation into the Pacific, which it is presently at the rate of 1 centimetre a year, was too small a margin for the government to consider. The entire board of the National Geology Society of Japan has since then resigned to protest this issue. A new board has since then been put into place by the government and includes singers from major bands in the country. It seems they understand types of rock like nobody else.

The wall being built.

The wall being built.

The Department of Robots has also been ordered by Prime Minister Shinzo Abe to build robots like those in Pacific Rim but which can also turn into cars like the Transformers so he can drive one around. Another different aspect to this demand is that the robots look like Manga characters so that they instil not fear but patriotism and high spirits among the citizens of the nation and they don’t wonder whether this awesome idea of his was just a waste of their money.

Kirohito ‘screwdriver’ Kato, chief of the Robotic Department is ecstatic about this step by the government. “Our PM wishes the robots to look like Manga characters because the USA has Captain America, China has Jackie Chan, Russia has Vladimir Putin, UK has Benedict Cumberbatch and Australia has Wolverine but Japan has nothing, nothing at all. So now we will!”

The ruling Liberal Democratic Party, known for supporting big construction tycoons has claimed to have almost familial relations with an Indian political party which supports energy tycoons. They have since sought their help in powering the construction of the wall and building a free floating port that doesn’t hinder the wall and help everyone’s friends make a huge profit in the bargain. This will also be seen as an active measure in boosting trade relations between the two South-Asian nations.

PM Abe says, “This Kaiju wall will not only be a protective umbrella for Japan, it will also usher in a new era of business co-operation between our two nations. #Abenomics”

Environmentalists claim that the proposed sea wall will badly affect marine life and will upset the delicate balance between jellyfish and sharks which could lead to an exponential drop in shark numbers thereby badly affecting the illegal fishing business. This could put about 20,000 jobs at risk and result in a loss of about 10 million yen a year to the fish mafia.

Renowned environmental activist Han Pomfreti says, “The excuse of building this wall is a very fragile one, just like the marine ecosystem. The loss of habitat to the myriad life out on the coastline will be huge and the monetary loss to the smugglers umm… fishermen, unimaginable. We will protest or die beneath the cement trucks of this ruthless administration.”

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists claim that Japan is secretly building their own Large Hadron Collider in the guise of this wall to get ahead in this scientific race. They claim that a new cold war is brewing in the modern age but many fear that inadequate technology could eventually lead the Japanese to create a black hole and destroy all life on Earth.

Monday, March 23, 2015

DMRC to reserve one coach for the ‘Reading Community’

In a historic move to regain the trust of the reading minority that uses its service, Delhi Metro Rail Corporation (DMRC) has announced that the second coach of all six and eight coach metro trains shall be reserved for those who wish to read without being disturbed. Special Metro Cards will be launched for newspaper vendors which would allow them to travel beyond the usual 170 minutes to sell their stock as well.

Now they can have their privacy.

Now they can have their privacy.

Earlier, there were various cases of harassment experienced by the Newspaper reading class, wherein all passengers within 10 meters of a newspaper would start staring shamelessly at the reader and inappropriately touch the reader, at the pretense of trying to read the headlines. Many readers had also been given life threats for refusing to share the Sports section of their newspaper.

Bookworms, the shy Metro users who had also lobbied for the reservation, when asked for a comment, refused to speak. However, it is now estimated that a bookworm would be able to read at least 10 sentences at a stretch before being asked the infamous question, “Kaunsi book hai?” as opposed to the 2.5 sentences they could read earlier.

“This shall provide much relief to hard working students who have to travel daily for an hour to coaching institutes,” said Shikhar, an IIT aspirant.

The DMRC has further stated that the plan relies on the vigilance of the reading community and surprise security checks to help facilitate this shift. Various Women safety groups have applauded the action as a revolutionary method to further protect the female passengers from predatory males, with the reading coach serving as a Chinese wall.

What remains to be seen is what measures the DMRC would take to prevent these predatory males from secretly entering the reading coach to ogle at the female passengers from behind a Newspaper or a book, and whether this move will fuel acts of Metro rage during rush hours.