Thursday, February 11, 2016

Mumbai to celebrate Valentine’s Day in 5 phases owing to limited space in parks and restaurants

Mumbai: In an attempt to celebrate Valentine’s Day quietly and peacefully with their loved ones, lovers in Mumbai have come together and decided to split Valentine’s Day celebrations into 5 phases. This step has been taken owing to the limited space in parks and restaurants in the city.

Celebrate valentine's Day.... on an appropriate day

Celebrate valentine’s Day…. on an appropriate day

Speaking to Faking News, a representative of this group, Mr. Luv Guru said, “The space crunch in Mumbai, especially inside pubs, parks, restaurants, coffee shops and pizza corners may prove to be a major disappointment for those who want to celebrate Valentine’s Day with their loved ones. To ensure that lovers don’t spend 14th February waiting in a queue outside an establishment, we have come up with a staggered approach for celebrations. As part of this, the Valentine’s Day celebrations will be split into 5 phases.”

“To answer the obvious question, phases have been categorized based on age groups and only people falling under the designated age group can celebrate V-Day with their valentines. We are hoping that everyone will cooperate and celebrate the festival of love as per their age group but as a contingency plan, we are considering a tie up with Bajrang Dal. People not abiding by the rules will be handed over to Bajrang Dal without any exceptions”, said Mr.Luv.

“You know how difficult it is to find space in Mumbai, if you spread your arms in SRK pose, you are likely to hit 5 people on their faces. It is even worse inside restaurants and coffee shops. Even on a regular weekend it is impossible to get inside any establishment and this will be a valentine’s weekend, there is no way we will find any empty tables anywhere. However, by co-operating with each other, we can make it a pleasant experience”, Mr Luv hoped.

“We are also arranging an ‘age-no-bar’ 6th phase to give second chance to rejected lovers”, ended Mr.Luv as he went back to finalize the age groups.

Though Mr.Luv was hesitant about disclosing the age groups and dates, we happened to get some information from our sources. We really hope this will help you plan your Valentine’s Day!

The Timetable for Valentine's Days

The Timetable for Valentine’s Days

Impressed by his cheap sms sent to women, filmmaker offers RK Pachauri a job as dialogue writer for Mastizaade sequel

New Delhi: Bealeagured Executive Vice-Chairman of TERI RK Pachauri, who may again face uncertainty over his tenure, has finally some hope of putting his skills to some good use.

The new recruit for Mastizaade sequel

The new recruit for Mastizaade sequel

Bollywood director and writer Milap Milan Zaveri has roped in the climate scientist to write dialogues for the next installment of porn-com Mastizaade.

Speaking to Faking News Mr. Zaveri said, “Although the dialogues of Mastizaade were appreciated by the audience, I thought we could have done better. When I read some of the messages Mr. Pachauri sent to his colleagues and I must say it was very impressive. I was shocked when someone said he is a climate scientist.”

The director also revealed that he met the scientist a couple of days back to convince him about writing for movies. “I told him he was wasting his time with the climate and environment stuff. The porn-com scene is exploding and there is a dearth of talented people like him,” said Mr. Zaveri.

Apparently, the filmmaker has already finalized the cast of his next film, Grand Mastizaade, which will hit the floors in a few months.

RK Pachauri who refrained from speaking to the media since the allegations against him went public, opened up to our reporter Deepa Sinha and said that he was happy he had something to look forward to.

“Most people are not aware that I have written a sex novel called Return to Almora. So I am not new to this genre. I am looking forward to Grand Mastizaade and have already written a few dialogues. In fact, I am also open to acting in the movie. If all goes as planned, you can watch me doing a few scenes with Sunny Leone,” he said with a grin, as he asked our reporter for her contact number, to share a few lines he had thought of.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Never allowed David Headley to set foot on Pakistan soil, always rolled out Red carpet for him: Nawaz Sharif

Islamabad: Pakistan’s acting Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has clarified to UN and International media that Pakistan has never allowed David Headley or any other terrorist to set foot on their soil. He further clarified that whenever any terrorist has set foot in Pakistan, they have always rolled out the red carpet for them to ensure their feet never touched Pakistan soil.

Nawaz Sharif showing how he will personally grab terrorists if he ever sees them

Nawaz Sharif showing how he will personally grab terrorists if he ever sees them

At a press conference to answer questions after David Headley’s revelations that he was trained in Pakistan and planned 26/11 Mumbai attack with the help of ISI, Mr Sharif said,” It is totally baseless allegation by India that terrorists used Pakistani soil to attack India. They only used our money, guns, bullets and grenades. At no point did we allow them to use our soil. In fact, no terrorist has ever set foot on Pakistani soil. We have always rolled out the red carpet or made them walk on marble flooring. They never touched our soil.”

“There have also been allegations by that Headley chap that Pakistan Government was complicit in 26/11 attacks, he has been asked to say this by India to tarnish our image of being a peaceful, friendly country. We have always taken care and hired non-state actors to carry out terror attacks in our neighboring countries. Pakistani state has never had any direct involvement in an attack.”

When someone asked Mr Nawaz Sharif whether the people from ISI named by David Headley have been removed from service, Mr Sharif replied, “You must be new to Pakistan. ISI and Army decides how long Pakistan PM works, not the other way round.”

Replying to another question on Pakistan involvement in Pathankot attacks, Mr Sharif replied, “We will take action on Pathankot attack as well. We are awaiting the dossier from India. Once we get that, we will promptly take action and pass that through a shredder.”

Meanwhile, Indian Government has prepared another dossier to send to Pakistan after David Headley’s testimony.

ISIS to offer ESOPs to its fighters to counter rising attrition rate

Raqqa, Syria: Struggling with the loss of many of its fighters to rival terrorist organizations, ISIS has come up with a new strategy to keep hold of their employees. They will now offer ESOPs (Employee Stock Ownership Plans) to its fighters along with salaries to ensure greater retention.

Employees happy after getting ESOPs

Employees happy after getting ESOPs

After they cut fighters salaries by as much as 50% recently, ISIS lost many of its fighters to competition and now they have decided that they must put a stop to it if they are going to hold the territories they have in Syria and Iraq.

“We are fighting on multiple fronts right now. There is the Syrian Government, Iraqi Government, Kurds, Russians, Americans, Europeans and we can’t afford to be short staffed at this point. Many of our workers left the company after the recent pay cuts and since we are short of cash right now, we had to think out of the box to keep hold of the remaining workers”, said ISIS HR manager Naukri Raqqawala.

“We were inspired by many tech firms that offered ESOPs to attract and retain talent and to counter high attrition rates. Our field is becoming even more competitive than IT these days and the increasing number of players in terrorism market has pushed us towards this decision. We have already offered ESOPs to all the employees on our payroll and will be offering it during our campus recruitment program as well this year”, Mr Raqqawala explained.

As per sources, this is only the first step by ISIS. They are also planning many other steps like blast from home, flexible shooting hours and onsite placements in Pakistan for their fighters.

“Last man batting should be allowed so that we don’t fall 20-25 runs short” – Dhoni

Pune: After falling short by 20-25 runs once again while batting first, Indian captain MS Dhoni has urged ICC to allow last man batting.

Dhoni smiling after imagining 20-25 runs more in every match

Dhoni smiling after imagining 20-25 runs more in every match

Last man batting is the rule in gully cricket where the last remaining not out batsman gets to bat even when there is no partner on the other end and all his teammates have gotten out. This ensures fairness and equal batting opportunity to all.

Top scorer for India, R. Ashwin was left stranded yesterday as every other batsman got out denying him the opportunity to score some more runs. Ashwin scored 31 off 24 balls and was unbeaten at the end with 7 balls remaining.

This appeal is gaining support from all tailenders who are generally denied batting because of this draconian rule created by the British.

Speaking to the press after the match yesterday, Dhoni said, “This is so unfair on the last batsman standing that he is denied the opportunity to bat just because nobody could get him out. This is against batting neutrality. Ashwin was our best batsman today and he got penalized for batting well. There were still 7 legitimate balls that he could have faced and given us those few extra runs that we needed.”

“Earlier people didn’t pay attention to this ridiculous law because tailenders were there for formality during batting but now we have triple centurions among our tailenders so we need to address this. We are losing out on those precious 20-25 runs in many games that can guarantee us victory.” Dhoni went on to add.

ICC is yet to react to this demand by the Indian captain but former Indian great Sunil Gavaskar has come out in support of this demand. “I always say on air that we need street smart cricketers in limited overs cricket. Now for street smart cricketers, we need street cricket rules as well and last man batting makes good sense.”

Meanwhile, Pakistani wicketkeeper batsman Kamran Akmal isn’t too happy with this request. “If they have to adopt a gully cricket rule, it must be one-tip one-hand catch out so that I can also take some catches. Implement that before last man batting.”

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

VVIP reaches late to the airport, quietly goes back home after seeing Arnab in the departure lounge

New Delhi: A VVIP, who reached late for his Air India flight at New Delhi airport, quietly returned back home much to the shock of the airlines ground staff.

The Arnab effect on VVIP's

The Arnab effect on VVIP’s

Apparently, the politician(name not revealed on request) is notorious for reaching late at the airport and causing ruckus when told about reporting rules for domestic flights.

Faking News reporter spoke to the Airport Ground Staff Manager Dilpreet Chadha.

“He is never on time for the flght. On one occasion, his cronies misbehaved with our ground staff. I myself have been slapped on several occasions by him and just to be safe I have started wearing a helmet. But I was shocked today when he arrived at the airport and even without taking his boarding pass, quietly turned around and walked away. We were clueless as to what triggered the sudden change in behavior,” said Mr. Chadha, with a puzzled look on his face.

Sources close to the politician have revealed that the VVIP, though late for the flight, was confident of making a last minute entry till he spotted NewsHour anchor Arnab Goswami sitting in the departure lounge.

“Bhaiyyaji always has his way at the airport. No security personnel ever frisked him and if anyone dares to, have been slapped. But that day Bhaiyyaji broke into sweat. His blood pressure suddenly dropped and we had to take him to the hospital. His speech was incoherent and all we could hear him say was ‘Arnab …Arnab..Arnab’,” said Bachu Yadav, who was accompanying the VVIP.

Mr. Yadav also said that the VVIP is currently recovering in the ICU of AIIMS as a battery of top doctors is closely monitoring his condition.

Meanwhile, the news of ‘a rogue VVIP turning polite’ had many airports scrambling to install life size cut-outs of Arnab Goswami inside the premises.

“No one can deny the Arnab effect. We are planning to have wax statues of the news anchor in different positions at the departure as well as arrival terminals. In fact, our HR has been instructed to hire cabin crew that bears resemblance to the news anchor,” said the Chief Airport Manager of Bengaluru airport, as he removed the bubble-wrap of Arnab’s wax statue, meant for his own cabin.

Mark Zuckerberg to add Cricket websites to Free Basics to win popular support in India

San Jose: Despite being disappointed over TRAI’s decision putting an end to Free Basics in India, Mark Zuckerberg has revealed that he isn’t ready to abandon his ambitious project.

Now meeting all the basic requirements of an Indian

Now meeting all the basic requirements of an Indian

“Free basics in India is dead for now but there is no reason why we can’t revive that”, Zuckerberg posted as his status on Facebook.

As per sources, Zuckerberg is now planning to provide all popular cricket related websites as well with his Free Basics program to win over the Indian public. “We all know the importance of cricket in India. To stay updated with the latest score is more important than staying updated with the developments in one’s own family. We thought we can use this passion for the game to our advantage and decided to win over the Indian public by using cricket”, a source close to Zuckerberg said.

“I think we focused too much on free part of Free Basics earlier but now we will focus more on the Basics part. Staying updated with the cricket scores is the basic necessity of Indians. We looked at the cricket related websites and zeroed in on the most popular ones. Once we win over popular support, we will ask the Government to relook at their policy as no politician can choose to ignore its voters in a democracy”, our source went on to explain.

This decision has created panic in the camp of Anti-FreeBasics activists who don’t know how to counter Cricket in India. “This is a low blow by Zuckerberg. Cricket is a religion in India and he has dragged this religion to Free Basics by including Cricket websites. He has lowered the discourse to the level of Indian politics by bringing a religion into the argument”, said a Net Neutrality activist Nishant Pahuja.

This is not the only step under consideration at Facebook to win popular support in India. “We are still contemplating the request by Engineering students to include PornHub in the Free Basics package”, revealed our source at Facebook.