Monday, October 12, 2015

Group of youngsters in Hampi not from Bengaluru, locals astonished

Hampi: The locals of Hampi were surprised when a group of youngsters visiting the place turned out to be not from Bengaluru, but from Mumbai.

Locals were astonished to find tourists from places other than Bangalore

Locals were astonished to find tourists from places other than Bangalore

The group consisting of four guys and three girls were visiting Hampi from 2nd October to 4th October. The group had arrived in a Zoomcar registered in Mumbai, which gave away the fact that they were not from Bengaluru.

Virupaksha, a local shop owner was the one who recognized that and was seen frantically running around the place telling other shop owners of his discovery.

He was quoted as saying, “’I glanced at the registration plate of their car, as they parked right in front of my shop, and something seemed out of place. All the vehicles I have seen had KA registration, but this one was an MH registered one, and I thought I was seeing things. I went in, washed my face, drank some water and came out to make sure I had indeed seen it as MH.”

One of the group members said, “We felt like aliens who had landed on earth in a UFO. People were gathering around to see us. Some people were trying to peel off the MH in the registration plate to see if we were faking it. We had to show them our Mumbai local train passes to convince them that we were indeed from Mumbai.”

Divya, a consultant working at an MNC in Mumbai, was surprised by the treatment they got from the locals.

“Hotel owners were approaching us and begging us to stay with them. When asked why, they said, they want some reviews on Tripadvisor from people other than from Bengaluru. Some were saying that they would be able to put it on their website that they have accommodated people from Mumbai, which would be a huge boost for their business,” she said.

“And one other guest house owner was ready to accommodate us for free just so that his children could meet people who did not work in IT companies,” chipped in Rahul.

The group finally chose to stay in the free accommodation that they were offered. “As soon as they got the offer for free accommodation, they said okay, we will stay with you, like a true Indian,” said Rangamma, an artifact seller.

Kishore, an editor for the local newspaper, ‘Hampi Evening Herald’ was quick to arrive on the spot to interview the group and take their photographs with his Nokia 2730 Phone.

“One of my friend runs a shop here, and he called me as soon as he heard there were people not from Bengaluru in Hampi. I quickly got my TVS XL and rode all the way just in time to catch the group. I managed to sell a 100 extra copies of my newspaper thanks to their pic on the front page,” he said.

Local kids were found following the group the next day on their sightseeing. Subramanian, a solo traveler from Bengaluru said, “I was finally relieved to meet people from other cities too. I had hoped to meet people from all over India, but when I reached here, people were either foreigners or from Bengaluru. I didn’t know they were from Mumbai, so I started asking them whether they stayed in Koramangala, and to my surprise they said they were from Mumbai. I feel my trip has had its purpose fulfilled, and I can go back in peace.”

Now Alia Bhatt returns ‘Student of the year’ award to protest PM’s silence on bad Bollywood movies

Mumbai: After extremely famous writer Nayantara Sahgal returned her Sahitya Akademi award, another extremely talented artist Alia Bhatt has also decided to return her ‘Student of the year’ award.

Alia Bhatt typing out an open letter to Narendra Modi

Alia Bhatt typing out an open letter to Narendra Modi

In multiple interviews given to various film & entertainment channels Alia has severely criticized PM Modi on his continuous silence on the deteriorating quality of Bollywood movies.

Addressing a press conference she said, “Why is he quiet? Every bad Bollywood movie that comes out is nothing but a vicious assault on our cultural diversity. It’s an attack on the soft sensibilities of our masses. Yet he doesn’t utter a word. He is otherwise an eloquent leader that addresses thousands of people. Why the silence on this crucial matter? I hereby solemnly resolve to return my ‘Student of the year’ award, this country is not making the awesome movies it used to make in 40s when I was just a kid.”

On being asked to whom will she actually return her Award, Alia was seemingly confused.

She said, “These writer people are returning the award to some sahitha-galat-tha academy. I am yet to figure out which academy actually gave this Student-of-the-year award to me. I got to ask my college principal Rishi Kapoor ji. He may have some idea. Or maybe Ranbir can help me. And he is kinda cute too. It would be fun seeking his help on this.”

This announcement by Alia has apparently sent shock-waves throughout the artistic community. A lot of writers who were planning to return their Sahitya Akademi awards are now planning to re-consider their move as a lot of press is diverted towards the Bollywood diva and their steps may go un-noticed.

One of the writers who was about to enter the Sahitya Akademi academy building with his award with intent to return it actually backed out last minute and was seen running out of the building.

While leaving he spoke to our reporter on conditions of anonymity. He said, “Alia has kick-started a series of irreversible changes throughout the award returning eco-system. We are long forgotten unknown writers, we are not famous artists as she is. Our returning awards has lost its sheen now thanks to the fact that all the media attention is on the Bollywood actress now. I wish I had returned my award when it actually meant something to return it. Now I ought to keep it with myself forever.”

Secret Bihar Election Diary: Lalu writes on Coalition and Cricket

Dear Diary,

The nightmare just won’t end. My beef remark continues to haunt me as Narendra Modi today took several digs at me in his rally. Remember I told you last time that Shaitaan sat on my tongue and made me comment on beef. I swear Shaitaan sat on my tongue, Shaitaan or Dhatura, I am not very sure.

Now Modi is making this a big political agenda and raising it in his rallies. Murder happened in UP, CM is from Samajwadi Party, local MP is from BJP, PM is from BJP and I am facing the most heat!

Lesson learnt diary – sometimes it is better to hold one’s tongue. I have bought huge stocks of chewing gums to keep my tongue in check for the next 1 month.

Lalu Yadav's election diary

But you can understand these slips of tongue. The pressure on me has increased several folds now. As it is I was feeling like Tendulkar from the 90s in this coalition team. Everything I have to do here. I have to raise controversial issues, I have to gather crowds for the rallies, I have to give the longest speeches, I have to bring caste, religion into everything while Nitish Kumar becomes progressive by raising only development.

And after all this, I won’t even be getting the CM chair if we win! That will be for Nitish Kumar. It’s like Azhar being the captain while Sachin delivered every win.

Nitish is totally like Azharuddin; was very good for a decade of his playing career but now he is a liability for most part. His decision to seek Kejriwal’s support in Bihar made as much sense as Azhar asking Manoj Prabhakar to bowl spin against Sri Lanka.

And then I have Rahul Gandhi. Don’t laugh diary. He is like Venkatesh Prasad, even when he bowls his fast bouncer, opponents get so much time to hit him for a six with ease.

And Mulayam, Mulayam ji has turned out to be my Vinod Kambli, old friend but now he just dislikes me. Why did he create that 3rd front to cut our votes?

On top of that, there are match fixers in my own team who are getting caught taking payment of 4 Lakhs. 4 lakhs, could have taken some loose change from me but no, Nitish’s ministers have to go hit wicket when you need partnerships.

Only help I got from was RSS. Mohan Bhagwat looked like Rahul Dravid to me – dependable but never in spotlight. His remark on reservation is getting ignored by everyone except me, while my beef remark is being shared widely.

Just hope I don’t get bowled out in this game of political cricket.

I am telling you diary, this election is tougher than the time I spent in prison. Sometimes I feel like running back to that prison, at least they still treat you like a VIP inside a prison. Outside prison, Haramzaada media doesn’t leave me alone for a second. If only I could bring in emergency and censor them!

Oh, shouldn’t entertain thoughts of Emergency around JP Sir’s birth anniversary. Better go to sleep now to avoid these thoughts.

Goodnight diary.

Sudheendra Kulkarni says he will launch e-books in future; Shiv Sainiks threaten to blacken his face with MS Paint

Mumbai: Sudheendra Kulkarni whose face was colored with black paint by Shiv Sainiks ahead of a book launch in Mumbai has said that he will not be cowed down by such incidents and may consider online launch of books in future.

After this incident Mr. Kulkarni has decided to launch only e-books in future

After this incident Mr. Kulkarni has decided to launch only e-books in future

Mr. Kulkarni who chose not to speak anything about the paint attack incident at the book launch, held a special press briefing to speak out on Shiv Sena’s brazen attack on him.

“I am not scared of Shiv Sena. In fact their desperation makes me laugh. All I am concerned about is that my painted face will be flashed across TV screens causing discomfort to a lot of people. So I have decided that I will be launching e-books online in future instead of doing them in person. That way I can launch a book without having to worry about attacks by Shiv Sainiks,” said Mr. Kulkarni wiping his face with a paint remover.

Shiv Sena MP Sanjay Raut was quick to respond. He said, “We have been and we will protest against book launch or any Pakistani artist performing in India. If Mr. Kulkarni plans to launch an e-book online, will use MS Paint to color his face black. All our sainiks are ready with their laptops and we will do everything possible to protest against him.”

Apparently, Shiv Sena has already distributed laptops among sainiks with specific instruction to blacken faces online of all those who show inclination towards Pakistan and its artistes. “We have made a list of all those who masquerade as liberals and all the resort to is petty politics. Many of them are on twitter, hiding behind anonymous accounts. We will launch an all out ‘DP blackening’ abhiyaan soon,” said a Sainik.

Mr. Kulkarni’s painted face did create some problems for him. Sources close to the politician said that his dogs started barking at him as he tried to enter his own house and his family members too called the police and reported an intruder after seeing him enter.

Meanwhile, Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal who had ink thrown at him on several occasions was seen sharing a few tips with Sudheendra Kulkarni on how to get rid of face paint.

Distributors of Mysore Pak are worried people might boycott the sweet because it contains ‘Pak’, decides to name it Mysore ‘Chakh’

Mysore: After the cancellation of Ghulam Ali concert and Khurshid Kasuri’s book launch in Mumbai, the distributors of popular sweet Mysore Pak are worried that the name ‘Pak might motivate some people to boycott the sweet.

Mysore Chakh, equally tasty but not as offensive to some people

Mysore Chakh, equally tasty but not as offensive to some people

The leading distributor of the sweet Ambar Mithaiwala spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. Ambar said, “The name Mysore, I can understand because the sweet is originated from this city, not sure why they added the name ‘Pak’ to it. Went through Wikipedia, but there is no mention who gave this name and for what reason. We have never seen a down turn for Mysore Pak market. To cater to the new generation of sweet eaters, we have added new variants of Mysore Pak and recently for diabetic & health conscious people we have introduced sugarless type.”

“Sales for this year have been good till now, but we expect a lot from the upcoming festival season. Looking at the news reports we hear every day, we are afraid in near future some people might take a note of its peculiar name and start disliking our popular sweet for containing the word ‘Pak’, he said.

“Moreover we want to be ahead of the curve and take necessary steps to avoid any unnecessary controversy. Before people take a note of this and start thinking because of the name, may be the sweet is originated from some parts of Pakistan, we thought of changing the name. After much deliberation, we thought Mysore Chakh will be a better alternative. Below we will add a new tag line taste of Mysore, Ambar added.

When we pointed to Mr. Ambar there are people in India like Delhi CM who does not have any problem with the word Pak, Ambar said, “Yes, being a fighter he is, he would definitely fight for us. He might suggest, sell the sweets from Delhi only if there are protests from other parts of India. Not sure all our sweet vendors will agree to shift to Delhi to set up sweet shops as sometimes his own party members like Alka Lamba who went out of control and vandalized a sweet shop, so there is chance some will be afraid. Also with so many variants of Delhi sweets, Mysore Chakh might lose its identity”.

Ambar concluded by saying “We are sweet distributors, do not want our politicians to play politics with our sweet. We want people to enjoy our sweet as they have done over the years and remember this is just a name change, the taste of Mysore will remain the same”

Sunday, October 11, 2015

To make Modi answerable to every Indian, Apple plans to replace Siri with Modiji software in iPhone7

New Delhi: Apple India Chairman John Jobs has announced in his recent interview that Apple will soon be introducing an Indian substitute to Siri in iPhone7 and that is planned to be named as ‘Modiji’.

A screenshot of 'Modiji' software. Then and there, the software will make hour-long speeches without any request from the user

A screenshot of ‘Modiji’ software. Then and there, the software will make hour-long speeches without any request from the user

Speaking to Faking News, John said, “Our boss Tim Cook is extremely impressed by the Indian market and the drive of the customers here to flaunt iPhones to their poor co-workers at office. Adding to the excitement was the recent meeting with Indian Prime Minister. Tim was astounded by the talking abilities of Mr.Modi, or to say Modiji in Indian way.

“After Modiji left USA, Tim conducted back-to-back meeting with several Indians working in Apple both directly and via video call. Last week, he called upon me and informed that ‘an Indian Siri will be more close to heart for Indians and will double the sales of iPhone7 in this heavily populated country’,” he added.

When asked about the reason for naming the app Modiji, he said, “As I said before, Tim was impressed by Modi’s speech. Moreover, we informed Tim that, whenever something happens in India, the whole of India demands Modi to answer. It was then he decided to call upon meetings and tried to mix the demand for Modi to answer along with our necessity to touch wider Indian market. And that was how the idea for replacing Siri with ‘Modiji’ software in iPhone7 was born. The ‘ji’ was added to give an Indian touch to the software. And the software was prepared by our developers within a week span and is already shipped to us. Want to see it?”

He demonstrated the working of ‘Modiji’ software using an iPhone7 prototype. The iPhone7 screen displayed ‘Bhaiyon Behenon’. John said aloud ‘I had been stuck here in traffic for an hour, Modiji.’

The screen remained silent. He then said, “I demand an answer from you. You should not be silent”. After three seconds, the phone speaker echoed with the bright voice of Modi saying, “Bhaiyon Behenon. Delhi is struggling with traffic. We should adjust among ourselves and give way for Ambulances. Do not litter on the roads. Do not honk and disturb school children. Respect every other person on the road and keep it safe. Wear helmet. We want a ‘traffic mukt Delhi’ and for that, you should vote for BJP in the next election. Now, put your hands above and say aloud ‘Give me way’ thrice. Jai Hind!”

Not only the Apple India chairman, but several other gadget freaks and journalists tried reasoning with Modiji software in iPhone7 prototypes that were kept for testing in the press meet.

Market analysts predict that, with the introduction of Modiji-enabled iPhone, Apple can capture back the Indian Market from Samsung next year.

Next time, if you do not get water in your tap or if your husband is watching useless news debates, do not worry. Demand an answer from Modiji software in your brand new iPhone7 and it will answer.

Sunday Magazine 11th October 2015: Featuring Big Boss 9

After Azam Khan and Sakshi Maharaj drama, do we really need to see Big Boss 9? Find out in our latest issue of the Sunday Magazine. Also, we tell you about how to escape your boss and attend Navratri events. In our tech section, Twitter layoffs and how it will add to more jobless twitterati.

sunday mag 11th oct 2015