Monday, April 27, 2015

Count Dracula floats NGO for vampire-rights; wants minority status, blood sucking legalized

New Delhi: Count Vlad Tepes “the impaler” from Transylvania, properly addressed as Count Dracula, was in city to inaugurate an exhibition on ancient European arts. He had also organized a high-tea and met up with several human rights activists to understand human concerns about vampires.

He assured them continued co-operation from himself and his breed. Later he also addressed a small press conference after the exhibition and high-tea were over.

After sitting quietly at the press conference for a few minutes he finally began in a deep, calm voice, “Welcome everyone to this conference. I apologize if I sound a bit weary. I am actually a bit worn out due to my flight after which I came straight from airport to here. I have just hacked .. apologies ..  I meant I have just sacked my personal secretary for this bad itinerary planning. Onboard the flight I did watch some vampire-movies after a long time, as it was a long flight from Frankfurt to New Delhi. The vampire movies these days are just gross, no elegance of old times.”

A generous Count Dracula

A generous Count Dracula

“Anyhow I will talk about a couple of important points to you gentlemen. A) vampire rights, B) vampire privileges. Vampire rights and privileges are very crucial these days as our-kind is severely depleted due to a lot of natural and man-made hunters. (Count Dracula also showed a power-point presentation with a data-chart depicting their depleting numbers over the years)”

“So as a minority community we seek protection, harmony and love from our human brothers. As a gesture of love, most of us have stopped biting humans and sucking their blood and have resorted to drinking chemically prepared blood substitutes. This dietary change is affecting our health in a bad way, but that is a sacrifice we are willing to make. In return all we ask is that every vampire be given blood sucking opportunity, once in every few days, say every 3 days. We can negotiate on this number and reach a final number through mutual cooperation but this is an activity which will help us survive as a species,” Count Dracula said.

When asked about his new NGO, count Dracula gave a short-lived smile-like expression and said, “Yes, that is a new non-government organization which I have just registered in Romania to fight for vampire rights. We have also bought some real-estate adjacent to beautiful Danube river and our new plush office is under construction. Having a local branch-office here in India is also on cards, but we are still working on legal paper-work around that. This NGO is also in need for funds and volunteers so you all are welcome to contribute.”

In the middle of the press conference Count Dracula suddenly started coughing loudly and got into a fit of coughs, as smell of garlic tea which was being served at the press conference spread in the whole room. Extremely allergic to garlic he was quickly escorted out of the room into the gallery where he suffered serious burns owing to sudden exposure to sun-light. He was immediately rushed to AIIMS where after a few hours of solitary confinement and self-healing he was declared completely fit by doctors.

While Count Dracula has rejected all offers of News channel panel discussions, he is expected to be holding another high-tea event early next week where he would be meeting several dynasty princes and discuss his views on purity of blood and its impact on policy making.

Comic: How to interpret A-Z of Rahul Gandhi’s speech

Faking News talked to few prominent people who were generous enough to interpret for us A-Z of Rahul Gandhi’s speech, in case his speech paper gets lost.

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N Srinivasan set to replace Kejriwal as AAP president after reports of him spying on BCCI officials

New Delhi. Ever since reports of N Srinivsan spying on fellow BCCI members came in public domain, there has been growing demand among AAP supporters to make him president of the party.

Linking it with how current party chief Arvind Kejriwal ordered illegal recording of  discarded leader Yogendra Yadav’s telephonic conversation with a reporter, AAP supporters claim that Delhi CM be freed of such responsibilities now and be allowed to concentrate on dharnas, blaming Delhi Police/Modi, governance etc.

Kejriwal worshiping Srinivsasn after making him his idol

Kejriwal worshiping Srinivsasn after making him his idol

“In Srinivasan, we see an able contender for the position of AAP supremo. I am sure once on board, he will bring with him fresh autocratic ideas to the table which will help what the movement go forward,” said an AAP volunteer, who was extremely disappointed with the naivety AAP handled the entire Gajendra suicide fiasco.

He is confident that Srinivasan would not come out as a novice while orchestrating such political stunts.

“The fact that it is so many days after him spying that he has been caught proves how professionally he goes about these things,” he added.

Senior leaders of AAP too have taken notice of this demand and agree that compared to Kejriwal, Srinivsans is a better prospect at present.

“He carries with him a vast dictatorial experience, which could be a clincher for him,” a member of AAP’s National Executive Committee told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

“Also the way he trolled Arnab Goswami throughout the IPL spot fixing scandal episode has also impressed other members of committee,” he went on to add.

“Not just this, he continued to control happenings in BCCI even after stepping down and being at Dubai, which reminded us of Kejriwal continued to call shots while taking naturopathy treatment in Bangalore,” he further said.

Meanwhile Srinivsan has decided to accept the demand on condition that he be allowed to replace Manish Sisodia and Ashutosh with Sunil Gavaskar or Ravi Shastri.

Engineering student declared “outlaw” for actually using scale, protractor and compass in class

Jaipur. What started as a simple soil-engineering lab-class for B.Tech students at Jamunadas Institute of Technology, Arts and Management (JITAM), turned out to be a defining moment for one of the students in the class.

Ritesh Bhaum, the usual front bencher in the class has apparently been ostracized by the rest of the students for using scale, protractor (DEE) and compass in a lab class during which others didn’t even bring a pen. Students have decided not to be on talking terms with him until he mends his ways and falls in line with the expected ideal code of conduct of class.

Very unfortunate moment .

Very unfortunate moment .

Ritesh, who is a 2nd year Civil Engineering student, was not available for comments as he was attending another lab class, followed by a self-revision session of previous class. But some of his classmates who were bunking the lab class were available in the canteen for comments.

One of his classmates Barun Sahai voiced his concerns in detail, “Ritesh is a very sincere student, but har cheez ka ek limit hota hai. In the soil engineering lab, where we don’t even take our pens or any sort of notebooks, that bugger brings the whole geometry box. And when professor showed the class an A4 size sheet, talking about how we should submit our assignments. Our Ritesh bhai drew a diagram of the A4 size sheet in his notebook and labelled it with pencil and scale? Hamne to ek word nahi note kiya. Hum saale C hai kya?”

He further continued, “The other day another professor just drew an animal on the blackboard while talking about road safety and driving. Saala Ritesh ne us animal ka bhi diagram bana liya, with pencil and scale and labelled it “Animal on road”. The whole class got simultaneous goose-bumps on seeing that. First of all his hand-writing is beautiful plus he notes each and every detail, dekh dekh ke insecurity ho jata hai yaar.

Mishika Armani another of Ritesh’s classmates also raised strong objections on his classroom behavior, “Ritesh notes and all, that is fine ya. That is also helpful for us only in exams ya. But the way he talks to girls is simply disgusting ya. If a girl talks to him he won’t look at her at all, plus he will keep his responses very curt and quick. Arre bhai ek baar ankh me aankh daal ke baat kar ya. We won’t eat you or something.”

While it is not yet clear on when will the students forgive Ritesh for his actions, a few students accepted the fact that their exam results depend a lot on Ritesh’s clearly written, formatted and exhaustive class notes. Consequently this embargo on Ritesh is only expected to continue until the night before exams when people generally seek him for photocopying of his notes.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Boy accidentally forwards ‘Wrong’ jokes to Family’s WhatsApp group; gets invited to 4 new groups

Kanpur. Shakti, a teenage boy, who got new smartphone on his 16th birthday last month has learned his first lesson even before he could explore all the social features of the phone. Like any other teenager Shakti got hooked to WhatsApp within in days of receiving the smartphone. But it didn’t take him long to realize that user also has to be smart enough while using smartphones.

In a major embarrassment he accidentally forwarded the jokes to his Family’s WhatsApp group while they were meant for another group consisting of his coaching friends. Since then he is trying to avoid bumping into his cousins and uncles who live in the same locality.

Shocked Shakti

Shocked Shakti

It happened on the day of Baisakhi, when Admin of WhatsApp group ‘BakarMandi’ which consists of his friends, renamed group to ‘Happy Baisakhi’. Poor Shakti failed to notice his cousin also changed the group name from ‘Kapoor Family’ to ‘Happy Baisakhi’ on the same day. Suddenly he received ‘that’ type of forward joke from a friend. As a natural reaction he decided to forward it to his pals. In a momentary lapse of judgment he clicked on the wrong WhatsApp group. Before he could understand what happened, he heard the beeps on phones of his cousins sitting around him.

The moment he realized what happened, he thought of deleting the group. But it was too late. While his elder cousins started giving him the ‘proud-of-you-bro-welcome-to-the-grown-up-club’ look, he was more worried about what his ‘Chacha ji’ and ‘Tau ji’ might think of him. Thereafter sound of every notification on his phone felt like a hammer hitting his head and he put his phone on silent.

Unaware of all this when Shakti’s parents saw him away from phone for more than 2 hours they got worried and tried to check if his 3G pack has enough data available. The rug swept out from under his feet and he snatched his phone back from them. Shakti checked the phone to find he was added in 4 new groups in last 2 hours and received messages from his cousins and uncles to send more stuff through direct messages. One message read, “Finally you lived up to your name, Shakti Kapoor”.

Although feeling a bit relieved, Shakti is still looking for ways to avoid such mishaps in future. Shaitaan Khopdi™ suggested maintaining Family group and Friend groups on different chat apps altogether. At the time of publishing this report Shakti was trying to convince his family to migrate on Viber since it has better stickers and emojis.

Serial road-rager finally gets an answer to “Tu jaanta hai main kaun hu?”

New Delhi. Bobby Khanna a resident of Mangolpuri phase 2, and a social activist by profession got a shock of his life when a commuter he was fighting with on road answered his question “Tu jaanta hai main kaun hu?” in extreme details. Mr. Khanna who has been a part of 168 road-rage incidents in the previous financial year was amidst a routine fight with another commuter Banshee Dholakia, when this happened. The fight started after Dholakia’s brand new i20 elite tried to overtake Mr. Khanna’s 2nd hand Mercedes X class.

Mr. Khanna followed the i20 for around 13 kilometers before he finally caught up and forced the driver Mr. Dholakia out of his car after which the usual road-rage argument and finger pointing took place. Bholu bhikhari who was knocking car windows for alms at a near-by red-light was an eye-witness to the whole episode, and narrated the incident to our reporter as it happened.

Bobby Khanna during peak of his form.

Bobby Khanna during peak of his form.

“For first 15 minutes of the argument both Mr. Khanna and Mr. Dholakia followed the usual SOP (standard operating procedure) for a Monday morning road rage. This process included sharing mother-sister abuses, loud screams, hushed deep-throated threats and quick dialing of random numbers on their mobile keypads and pretending to call someone influential. This continued until Mr. Khanna asked the D-question to Mr. Dholakia “Pencho, tu jaanta hai main kaun hu?” (Mofo, do you have any frigging idea who the f I am?).

To which Mr. Dholakia replied in detail, “Haan jaanta hu. You are a so called activist working with a local NGO, but you are actually a real-estate trader working with big builder’s lobby. Your kids Guddu and Shruti study at Blue-Oranges Public school, Noida and your wife Sushila runs a ladies garments boutique “Laal Libaas” in Chandni Chowk. Your bank account has white money worth 3 lakhs 45 thousand and 22 rupees in total, but you also have 2.5 crores stashed in form of 1000 rupee notes under your bed’s mattress.”

“Your current name is Bobby Khanna but previously you were known as Chhaggu Dwivedi and previous to that you were called Raju. You started your professional career as a black ticket seller and later worked as beggar-gang’s program manager for 3 years near Safdarjung flyover. It is in this role where a big builder who had an eye for talent noticed you and you were recruited by the real estate lobby. As per your latest interview records your short term and long term goals are pretty well-defined. In next 5 years you see yourself as an independent MLA and in next 10 years you see yourself as a executive assistant to a big real-estate developer in Greater Noida.”

“On a personal front you have a mistress by name Sapna who stays in Pitampura and about which your wife is aware but ignores this fact for sake of her kids. Sapna’s younger cousin Jolly has to appear for a Bank P.O. test today but he skipped it as he had to visit doctor with his girlfriend Roshni today who is 2-months pregnant. Although Jolly thinks it is his child, Roshni is actually cheating Jolly for another guy and that kid belongs to another guy,” Banshee finished and started to get into his car.

However on seeing Mr. Khanna in a state of extreme shock Banshee further continued, “Well to be completely honest that guy Roshni is cheating Jolly with is me and the kid in her womb is mine, we are planning to tell Jolly in a couple of days. I was in a hurry to reach that doctor’s place and that’s why I overtook your car. I am sorry for all the inconvenience I have caused you, but if you are really hurt here is my visiting card, please give me a call and we can catchup for a cup of coffee and sort out our differences.”

And Banshee left the scene while Mr. Khanna fainted at the spot. Mr. Khanna was later rushed to Apollo hospital where he will now be treated for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

While it is not yet clear if Mr. Khanna will be able to get back to his usual road-rage routine pretty soon, as per sources his son is planning to buy a brand new high-end racer bike in order to continue the age-old road-rage family tradition with utmost pride and honor.

Leading blade company to make half blades targeting local barbers

Mumbai. Leading Shaving Supplies and Personal Care Products Company, 9 o’clock, today announced a new product targeting beauty salon market in India – half blades. The decision was taken during the company’s quarterly product review meeting, the spokesperson told Faking News.

“We have always focused to make products for end users. To put it in black and white, we always make ready-to-use products that can be used directly out of the box/container/wrapper – whether the customer is ready to use them or not!”

Barbers are pleased!

Barbers are pleased!

“For years, the salons in India are breaking our product into half, every alternate time they have to use; this kind of alternate anything – leave alone alternate breaking – has been proven to be totally laughable in India even though some believe finally alternate or alternate to alternate will work! We are digressing here…Just add this! Doing a break-up to clean up a long grown mess has been the way of life worldwide, for centuries.”

“Anyway, we assume this new product, a half blade, will be a start for several revolutionary products/titles in Indian corporate. Soon there will be best selling books printed on toilet paper; pencils with ear buds attached at one end; soft drinks openly advertised as pesticides; schools and colleges having chief executive officers instead of principals etc.,” the spokesperson finished his monologue in a typical business style.

The reporter from Faking News, ever a sports and political enthusiast, could think of a few more to this new revolutionary product line, on the way back from the corporate chit chat, ‘The politicians in India will rebrand themselves as clowns, stand-up comedians and freestyle wrestlers/boxers. Cricket players will rebrand themselves as politicians, with almost every idiosyncrasy and skills that are required, including corruption, have already been acquired. A premier league will rebrand itself as Indian Entertainment League to openly play and stage fixed matches.’