Tuesday, July 7, 2015

My scam is bigger than Vyapam, claims Lalit Modi

London: The Vyapam scam is not just giving sleepless nights to politicians who are involved in it. Ex-IPL chief Lalit Modi too is concerned, but for a different reason. Apparently, Lalit Modi is feeling insecure that the scam has taken the spotlight away from him.

Lalit Modi is concerned that he is not in news anymore

Lalit Modi is concerned that he is not in news anymore

Going by numbers, online websites have claimed a sharp decline of 7% in followers and 23% fall in engagement in Lalit Modi’s Twitter handle after the media started reporting on the scam.

After getting undue attention in the past month, Lalit Modi got used to news interviews and live debates. His Twitter updates were followed more than the Tushar Kapoor movies. But this Vyapam scam has now spoilt the game for him.

The media is now reporting Vyapam and people have forgotten Lalit Modi. Our correspondent got in touch with LaMo and he said, “I have done a bigger scam than Vyapam but it was not intentional. I will prove my innocence in the courts. This Vyapam is a strategy by news channels to counter me. I will not let that happen. I will Tweet more regularly on the IPL scam and drag bigger names to get the headlines. Media needs to focus on me.” Our reporter later got to know from secret sources that Lalit Modi is in touch with Mr. Arnab and a series of Live Debates are scheduled later this week to drag the focus back on Lalit Modi .

Meanwhile, the authorities in Madhya Pradesh ridiculed Lalit Modi’s claims, no one however went on-record to give a statement on Vyapam but it is expected that it will continue making headlines for some time. BCCI however was happy with the course of events and is rejoicing the fact that Lalit Modi is now forgotten.

Shahid Kapoor to shift his wedding venue to Amarnath to ensure there is no media coverage

Gurgaon. In order to tackle unwanted media coverage and frenzy over his wedding, Bollywood actor Shahid Kapoor has made a last minute change in his wedding venue and has decided to shift it to Amarnath from Gurgaon.

Shahid feels once the venue is Amarnath, media will automatically stop following his wedding ceremony, giving him much needed relief from invasion of privacy.

“I know managing logistics would be a headache but definitely not as big as dealing with media,” Shahid told Faking News.

Not the most sought after wedding once in Amarnath.

Not the most sought after wedding once in Amarnath.

When asked why specifically Amarnath, Shahid pointed to how media was unable to cover much more important issue of Amarnath pilgrims being stoned and attacked by Kashmiri locals there.

“When they don’t have the inclination to cover a much more important and relevant incidence like this, why will they bother coming there for my wedding,” he argued.

“Also, I am pretty sure that top journalists and mainstream media would be under immense pressure to preserve secular fabric of India and thus would give my wedding a miss,” reasoned Shahid, who is planning to have reception in Nadia or Falta later.

“Earlier I was confused between shifting the venue to some place out of India and Amarnath, then I realized that apparently ‘tyranny of distance’ phenomenon works only selectively and mainly in India,” Shahid told Faking News while watching Rajdeep Sardesai’s interview of Lalit Modi.

Meanwhile after wrapping up his wedding, Shahid has decided to go for a honeymoon in Atali Village in Ballabgarh for further privacy from media.

“Only when I really want to come into limelight for some stuff, like film promotions etc, will I do that in Mumbai or hell even Gujarat, but for all other things my choice of venues is going to be very unconventional completely dictated by places our media chooses to ignore,” Shahid signed off.

Monday, July 6, 2015

10 minutes of talking to each other were enough for us to figure out that we were made for each other, claims couple

Jaipur: Rahul and Sonam who got married last week are more than happy about the way things turned out for them. The couple met just a month ago at Sonam’s place as their parents arranged a meet-up for them. Apparently, they liked each other enough and agreed to get married.

10 minutes is all you need

10 minutes is all you need

“I was told to look only at the floor while meeting her parents by my mom. I think the trick worked, they liked me instantly or maybe they liked the fact that I was an employed geek looking guy. Well, thank God that the floor tiles had a really nice flowery design,” Rahul added.

“While I stared at the tiles our parents talked to each other about almost everything and my mom managed to tell them that they were looking for a daughter-in-law that’s fair, docile and comes home early from work. Her parents also managed to convince my mom that their daughter is the one they are looking for,” Rahul stated.

“I was happy even before I saw Sonam. The table we sat next to was full of food, even though I was told not to eat much by my mom I still managed to consume half a dozen of the samosas,” Rahul went on to add.

“Few moments later Sonam arrived dressed in fine clothes and she brought tea for everyone. Who wouldn’t like a woman serving tea? Till now, everything was happening according to the rule book,” Rahul said.

When asked if they even talked for a minute Rahul said that after finishing tea and snacks his father suddenly stood up and said, “Bhai, let them get to know each other as well, we toh can continue with this Q&A round later too, why not just leave them alone and let them talk to each other for 10 minutes,” Everybody chuckled and walked out of the room.

“Those 10 minutes were the most important for us. That was the time I got to stare at her properly. We lied about our educational qualifications, our hobbies, our love for animals and our past relationships in those 10 minutes. For the rest of the time we checked our phones. I even managed to clear a candy crush level. However, it brought us so much closer that we agreed to get married,” Rahul concluded.

When our reporter asked “Are you guys really happy?”, they both replied in unison, “Well, we don’t want to kill each other.”

UN passes new peace-keeping resolution to curb Twitter wars

New York: In an interesting development, the United Nations has reportedly passed a new peace-keeping resolution to keep in check the wars happening on the popular social networking site, Twitter.

Indian journalists and their ego wars on twitter

Indian journalists and their ego wars on twitter

Speaking to Faking News, the Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said, “It is absolutely wrong on the part of the public to spread hatred and disharmony on social media. Online wars have to be prevented at any cost as the risk of wars is higher in the virtual world. The use of CC: to mark a user as a witness between conversations, tagging irrelevant people and becoming a laughing stock will be considered an international crime as soon as the new peace keeping resolution ‘Tweet Peace 2015′ becomes effective. After a lot of discussions with net-savvy nations, we have come up with this break-through resolution that will guarantee online world peace.”

Although, globally there is apprehension with respect to ‘Tweet Peace 2015′, the journalist Twitterati from the sub-continent showed their resentment and condemned this resolution while showing no signs of fear.

Here’s how a noted journalist known to be suffering from secularism-dyslexia reacted. “After a long day, I feel the need to uplift my ego. It is rightly fortified by my deliberate comparison with rival journos and with the support of my jobless followers”, said Saarika Ghorse who is frequently seen waging wars on Twitter.

Saarika appeared exuberant as she said, “Sometimes, I abruptly end conversations on Twitter with a shubhratri or a good night depending on my desi/pardesi mood. This abrupt end takes shape of a war which I always end up realizing in the morning while checking the updates on Twitter. This fuels my desire for more and more wars. Twitter wars are, after all, the spice of life.”

As per sources, Indian journalists spend 80% of their time on Twitter waging worthless battles, instead of concentrating ‘real-time’ on field. ‘Tweet Peace’ is just the start; many more resolutions might come into existence if these wars are not stopped with immediate effect.

BMTC bus conductor faints after commuter gives him 99 rupees to collect the 1 rupee return change

Bangalore: For BMTC bus conductor Manjunath Gowda, it was a normal day. He was happy to see bus getting overloaded up to two hundred percent of it’s capacity when he was having breakfast with the bus driver Nagesh.

As soon as he entered the bus, he started doing his daily routine activities. He scolded people who were standing near the foot board. Suggested them to somehow adjust inside. He did not discriminate between passengers, maintained his consistency and did not return change to anyone while booking tickets. Those who argued and asked for change, he told them to get down immediately and warned them not to enter the bus if they did not have exact change for the tickets.

Will BMTC have mercy on these overworked bus conductors

Will BMTC have mercy on these overworked bus conductors

Everything was smooth for Manjunath and the bus was about to reach Silk board junction, when a passenger asked the conductor to do something unexpected. He had paid hundred rupees for three tickets he booked for his family and asked for the one rupee return change which conductor had mistakenly written on the back of his ticket. Manjunath told the passenger, he does not have change when five one rupee coins fell from bag due to overloading of coins inside.

Passenger asked politely what currency denomination the conductor had. Manjunath showed only hundred rupee notes with smiling Mahatma Gandhi’s photo. The passenger took ninety-nine one rupee coins from his bag, counted and handed over to Manjunath and asked for the hundred rupee note.

Manjunath could not believe this and lost his consciousness for a brief period. As the bus was at silk board junction traffic signal which has a waiting period of forty minutes, Nagesh and some conductors from nearby buses came to his rescue. Manjunath after regaining his composure gave the 100 rupee note to the passenger.

Faking news reporter who was sitting behind the passenger was curious to know why he did not give 99 rupees in first place if he had. Passenger explained, “I was feeling pity for the conductors bag. Looking at the number of patch works on the bag. Seems it has gone to cobbler may be more than 100 times. How can a bag carry so much work load? I did not want to increase it’s work load further, hence gave him a 100 rupee note. My profession is to collect coins from temples and handover to people running and earn some commission for my livelihood. If he would have shown a thousand rupee note, I have 999 rupees to give him back.”

Manjunath had a different perspective. He told “We are habituated to carry these heavy bags full of change. In these crowded buses, if the bag is not heavy, someone might snatch it and run away easily. I also want to return change, but if you see BMTC has written inside the buses and many other places to educate customers to tender exact change while booking tickets. No one cares about it.”

Last heard conductors like Manjunath have asked BMTC management to increase their salary as they are carrying such a heavy load every day. Now it’s up to the BMTC management to give these hard working conductors good quality sturdier bags.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Govt requests Dawood to return, says no need to stay at home our jails are comparable to 5 star hotels

New Delhi: As news of Dawood Ibrahim’s willingness to surrender to Indian authorities and subsequent rejection by Sharad Pawar started surfacing, it seems that the Govt is making yet another attempt to get the dreaded fugitive back.

Indian Govt. has given Dawood an offer he cannot refuse

Indian Govt. has given Dawood an offer he cannot refuse

As per our sources in Home Ministry, an informal communication has been sent to Dawood Ibrahim in an attempt to get him back to India. The gangster had laid down some conditions on previous occasion, and the Home Ministry now seeks to address those issues. A government official on condition of anonymity said, “It’s true that we have been trying to get in touch with Dawood. On previous occasion he had asked that he be kept at his house instead of jail. However, even now that is not possible. But we are trying to convince him that our jail facilities have improved and they are comparable to any 5 star hotel. I recent times we have had so many corruption cases and a number of high profile politicians have been to jail, that we had to upgrade our facilities. So, Mr. Dawood can rest assured that he won’t have any complaints.”

Our reporter also spoke to the superintendent of Tihar jail about the facilities provided to high profile inmates. He said, “We have introduced many facilities such as ‘Parole on Demand’, where our inmates just need to send a WhatsApp message and their request is processed. We are proud to say that Sanjay Dutt in Yerwada and Manu Sharma in Tihar have been granted parole through this new facility. Our jails are Wi-Fi enabled with unrestricted access to Twitter and Facebook. We have also completely overhauled our menu for our high profile guests. We serve Chinese, Continental, Mexican, Thai and Italian cuisines in addition to the regular Indian meals.”

Apart from comfortable jail stay, Home Ministry has also assured that Dawood Ibrahim will be provided the best of lawyers to fight his case. Judges will also be given instructions to schedule hearing dates taking into consideration Mr. Ibrahim’s other commitments.

With Indian courts introducing flexi-timings, where court working hours are extended to facilitate quick response to high profile cases, coupled with 5 star facilities in jails, this would be one offer Dawood Ibrahim will find hard to refuse.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Robot programmed to function as traffic police found collecting bribe

Bangalore: Inspired by PM Modi’s call for Digital India Movement, Karnataka government with the help of ISRO, is set to launch Robots, programmed to function as a traffic police.

Just like the real traffic cop, this one too asks for bribe

Just like the real traffic cop, this one too asks for bribe

ISRO taking inputs from Bangalore traffic police, has developed a prototype of Robo-Cop and named it Chitti. Chitti has been put in to 30 days of trial, functioning as traffic police in the city. ISRO has committed to bring in 50 such Robots in the city, by the end of this year. On his first day, Chitti was deployed on Airport road, for checking the vehicles which are over speeding.

“Chitti doesn’t need any external Speed tracking device, he has some embedded components programmed to detect over speeding vehicles. It can stop more than 100 vehicles and also issue Challan at the same time. No over speeding vehicles can escape from Chitti. In case any vehicle tries to escape, Chitti activates the magnets installed in his hands, to stop and pull the vehicle back. Chitti is given a specially designed motor bike, which he can ride at the speed of 200 Kmph, he can chase down any over speeding vehicle,” said Mr Srinivasan, project head from ISRO.

However, it seems in an effort to make Chitti function like a real Cop ISRO failed to anticipate a few things. As on the first day as a traffic Police, Chitti was caught demanding bribe from the people, on different instances.

“I was driving my car at 90, on Airport road, a Robot stopped me, he showed me his ID, then asked me, whether I want to go to court or settle down the matter for Rs 200, I had no choice but to settle the matter there itself,” said Sanjay Verma who working as a design engineer at ITC.

“I was wheeling my bike, on National Highway when that dude (Chitti) caught me, asked for 200 but when I refused, first he slapped me, then forcibly too Rs 500 from my wallet,” said Rocky, a college student. “I am still not able to open my mouth,” Rocky added.

“Chitti has collected Rs 250000 on his first day, as bribe, and issued 20 challans that is 5 times more than what our traffic control unit comprising 5 persons makes in 2 days,” said Mr. Basavant, Commissioner of Police Traffic East Division.

“With more Robots in the streets of Bangalore, we are expecting to increase our revenue, bringing more discipline on the roads.” Mr Basavant further added.