Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Activists appeal people to get unconscious for two days for a totally safe Diwali

New Delhi. The annual festival of saying no to crackers has found a new vigor as revelers have appealed people to make themselves comatose for two days, so that a totally safe and green Diwali is observed.

“We have found out the root cause of the problem of pollution – it is the people who can’t say no to crackers,” said an activist who has been saying no to crackers every Diwali, even though his housing society bursts more crackers on the New Year’s eve than on Diwali.


Activists released a poster showing the ideal way to celebrate Diwali

“Crackers don’t cause pollution all by themselves, it’s the people who burn them on Diwali cause pollution. That’s why we have realized that saying no to crackers is not enough, we have to say no to these people,” the activist explained.

“If these guys are made to lie unconscious for two days – on chhoti Diwali and badi Diwali – we could have the safest Diwali ever,” he added.

Since activists believe in individual liberty and personal choice, they rejected a proposal to forcibly feed sedatives and sleeping pills to Diwali enthusiasts. Instead, they have started a campaign asking these enthusiasts to turn themselves into virtual dead meat during the festival.

“We are requesting them to try some high power drugs or take some overdose of sleeping pills, so that they don’t end up doing something that is unsafe for the environment and fellow human beings,” the activist explained the latest awareness campaign.

Activists claim that if people just lie unconscious, environment will benefit like anything.

“They won’t light diyas or decorative lamps, which will save oxygen and electricity, and thus lower greenhouse gas emissions,” one of the activists pointed out, “And don’t get us wrong, it’s for their own good. If they are not unconscious, they might end up eating mithai made up of adulterated khoya and fall ill.”

“We care for them,” the activist claimed.

Activists clarified that they were not against human beings but against human beings harming environment on Diwali, the most lethal day for environment.

“It is not practical, and we have to live with those,” an activist told Faking News when asked why they were not in favor of putting smokers, car owners, event managers, manufacturers, builders, etc. in coma for a few days too.

To avoid extra calories, die hard pizza fan found throwing out pizza from his mouth after chewing it

New Delhi. Anmol Chaturvedi, a diet conscious man in his early twenties was found throwing out pizza from his mouth after chewing it.

Anmol, a die hard pizza fan do this on regular basis just in order to avoid swallowing in pizza and putting on extra weight.

Pizza Slice

Chew and throw.

“For health reasons, doctor has asked me to avoid pizza. But look, I found an innovative solution to the problem which will not only help me, but a lot of other people too, who are facing similar trouble,” Anmol said adding that his innovation is inspired from the act of mouth fagging.

“It’s just like taking a smoking cigarette so that smoke is inhaled into the mouth without reaching the lungs and exhaled immediately. Eating pizza that way makes me feel that I am eating a pizza, and at the same time keep me safe from its harmful effects,” Anmol continued with a sigh of relief.

In a piece of advice to fellow pizza maniacs, Anmol said that it was perfectly fine and not at all an act of psycho to just chew the pizza.

“To begin with, it will look bizarre and as a matter of fact will not be that easy to do even if you want to do it. With pizza inside your mouth, it’s not a child play to stop yourself from swallowing it. But at that point of time, you need to convince yourself that, now, it’s of no use to swallow it. Your taste buds have already enjoyed it, and swallowing it at that point will give a rather more disgusting death to your beloved pizza than throwing it out. You know what happens with foods, once they reach inside stomach? With acid and all inside, it’s pretty brutal,” Anmol concluded his sentimental appeal.

“And once inside your stomach, your favourite pizza is converted into shit by the digestive system. Do you want it to happen with the pizza you love so much?” a teary eyed Anmol questioned.

Meanwhile, sensing that many more could follow Anmol’s suggestion, playing safe, pizza brands have started working on creating chewing gum type pizzas.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Man spends his birthday replying “Thank you bhai” to every single wish he got on Facebook

Mumbai. Alok Singh, a young man in his mid twenties spent his 25th birthday replying “Thank you bhai” to each and every birthday wish which he got on Facebook.

As per Alok, wishes started pouring in on Facebook even before the clock hit 12 last night.

“I was freaked out to see the rate at which people were writing messages on my wall. I was more worried than happy. The only thing that was going in my mind was, how the hell I am going to say thank you to so many wishes,” Alok narrated what happened last night, adding that he didn’t want to thank all of them by writing a single status update.

By the end, Alok was left with no energy to celebrate his birthday.

By the end, Alok was left with no energy to celebrate his birthday.

“I can’t be that rude. I mean, those guys took out at least 10 seconds from the precious time, which often runs in hours that they invest daily into Facebook, to wish me happy birthday. How could I possibly let their efforts go unnoticed?” Alok reasoned why he chose to individually reply to around 500 wishes he got on Facebook.

However, it wasn’t that easy for Alok to motivate himself to achieve this feat of replying ‘thank you’ to every wish.

“To begin with, I was very unmotivated to see the length of the journey that I was planning to complete, just for the sake of my principles. The much easier option of replying back all using a single update was always there. It was then, I remembered what my grandfather had told me once: there will always be two paths to your goal. The most ethical one will always look tough; avoid falling for the easier one,” Alok simplified his decision making process.

Listening to what his heart said and what he felt was right, Alok started the journey of thousand miles with one single step.

“I ‘liked’ the first wish, and then in reply I wrote, ‘Thank you bhai’. Now there was no turning back. I had jumped into the sea, and had only two options, either to learn how to swim or to drown,” Alok explained how he embarked upon the journey of liking and replying to every Facebook wish he received.

His father too is proud of his son’s courageous and righteous decision, and compares it to his own, when he smiled back at everyone who wished him on his wedding reception night around 27 years ago.

Alok spent his whole day liking the birthday wishes and copy-pasting ‘Thank you bhai’ in reply to all of them. However, in the process, he mistakenly replied ‘Thank you bhai’ to few of the girls who had wished him.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Companies offer dry fruits as Diwali gift to employees as they resemble entities sucked of all their happiness: Report

Mumbai. A report published in a leading magazine has revealed the actual reason behind dry fruits being the most common item, which private companies gift to their employees on festive occasions like Diwali and Holi.

The sensational report published by independent researcher Ravi Sharma says, dry fruits resemble corporate employees sucked of all their happiness.

Dry Fruits

It’s you.

“Dry fruit is fruit from which the majority of the original water content has been removed either naturally through sun drying, or through the use of specialized dryers or dehydrators. Exactly the same way in which private companies suck happiness out of once fresh and jubilant employees. You see, how close both are to each other,” explained Ravi Sharma while talking to Faking News.

Adding further, Ravi says that top executives of many companies follow this “dry fruit model” to convert their employees into entities that are more in worth.

“Dry fruit is prized because of its sweet taste, nutrition value, and long shelf life. Similarly, employees systematically devoid of fun and outside world connection become more and more workaholic and last longer in office i.e. longer desk life. With all unnecessary elements sucked up, what is left in them is pure talent, without any adulteration. Ultimately this increases their worth and makes them a more valuable employee,” Ravi Sharma continued.

In essence, companies gift its employees dry fruits as it symbolizes their existence. However, experts clarify that most of the companies don’t know the actual significance and they are just following the tradition.

“And those who know about it, never reveal it to employees, as they are afraid that employees might get depressed or angry,” Hamid Abdullah, a senior HR manager working for an IT giant was quoted in the report published.

The report asks employees not to lose their cool or self-respect once they realize this truth, for being compared with dry fruits is a kind of compliment, and thus a Diwali bonus in itself.

“Yes, you are being squeezed, but for a better cause which is professionally good for you,” concluded Ravi Sharma.

NCP offers unconditional support to winners of next 5 elections in Maharashtra

Mumbai. After offering unconditional outside support to BJP in Maharshtra, NCP has now gone ahead and extended unconditional support to all winning parties of next 5 assembly elections to be held in the state.

Arguing that they want to get over such post poll speculations in advance, NCP leader Praful Patel promised all single largest parties in future elections of his party’s backing.

Sharad Pawar telling Praful Patel that decision is too much of opportunism even by his standards.

Sharad Pawar telling Praful Patel that decision is too much of opportunism even by his standards.

“We want to save ours, media’s, political analysts’ and twitterattis time once and for all, so that we all can focus on other important things like post poll benefits,” announced Praful Patel in a press conference.

“Benefits for citizens,” he quickly clarified.

“All winning parties in future be it Shiv Sena, BJP, Congress, MN…errr… never mind, can consider NCP as its natural ally,” Patel continued, “And if we end up as single largest party, we invite everyone in advance.”

“We aren’t like other party leaders who even after having fared poorly continue to have swagger of a party that has won a clear majority,” said Patel, probably hinting at Uddhav Thackeray.

Patel further claimed that NCP was the only party that respected and valued voters’ mandate more than others, in fact, more than the voters.

He also lashed out at those who suggested that NCP was offering support under the fear of corruption cases against party leaders.

Later, the press conference was addressed by Ajit Pawar, who was earlier busy urinating in office toilet.

“Though howsoever secular it may sound, we are not Begani shaadi mein Abdullah deewana, as being suggested by many,” Ajit Pawar explained his party’s position, “But we are more like beech ka bichchoo in a gully cricket match, we play a part in both winning and losing.”

When our reporter pointed that NCP may have by now taken more u-turns than Arvind Kejriwal Kejriwal and Mulayam Singh combined, Ajit Pawar declared unconditional support to this reporter. Fearing loss of reputation, our reporter decided not to ask any more questions.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Facebook India to delete substandard “Photography Pages” of wannabe DSLR photographers

Hyderabad. Obscenity and hurting sentiments are not the only reason to block some content on Facebook. Now in India, annoying low standard photography pages are also added in the list of reasons that leads to blocking on Facebook.

Krithiga Reddy, CEO Facebook India, has announced this officially yesterday. She attributed increased complaints against such pages from Indian users and real photographers. She said that such complaints have increased exponentially from past six months and this has led them to take such a decision. She also said that such pages are only prevailing in India as of now. So this policy of Facebook is not worldwide.

How wannabe photographers in India had started looking at Facebook.

How wannabe photographers in India had started looking at Facebook.

Normal users who were tired of “Page Liking Request” and photos of poor people, dogs, kids, and many other pretentious stuff originating from such pages are very happy and welcomed this decision. Also, owners of famous and quality photography pages were elated about it as such pages were affecting their fan following.

“Many users had stopped visiting pages of good photographers assuming them also as wannabes,” said one such professional photographer heaving a sigh of relief.

Rohit, a normal Facebook user told Faking News, “It’s a great decision by Facebook India, they have finally taken cognizance of our frustrations and acted on time. Otherwise it had become very hard for us to criticize these pages of our friends, on their face, who buy new DSLRs, create their pages and send us request to like them. Now, I will not have any compulsion to like those pages and their pictures.”

But users like Gaurav, owner of “Gaurav Photography”, are extremely upset and shocked at this decision. Same is the case with the owners of pages like “Khanna- The Ace Photographer”, “Sam Photography” and many more who have spent thousands on DSLRs to show off on Facebook. Many of these had left their full time jobs to create such pages.

Speaking to Faking News Sam, who recently brought his DSLR, said, “This is against the original idea of Facebook. They speak of their free access and independence. Where are those ideas now, are they gone!?” he shouted and continued, “We don’t post any obscene and hurting stuff. We just click whatever comes around and post it on our page. What is their problem I don’t get it! Even some of my friends also appreciate my talent. They never criticize it. Inspired by me, some of them were even planning to buy a DSLR and create such pages and Facebook says that we are wannabes. I don’t get it at all.”

Friday, October 17, 2014 sued for “faulty products” by unhappily married people

New Delhi. Well known matrimonial site, is reported to be embroiled in a bitter legal battle following a formal complaint made by a number of former devoted users of the online medium to find life partners. These users are claiming that the company provided them with “faulty products”.

The complainants have been tirelessly fighting with the famous matchmaker, vocally advertising their stance via popular media forums to raise awareness on being cheated by the company via false advertising.

The happiness was shortlived

The happiness was shortlived

“I found my wife Sheetal on the site,” one alleged victim, Pankaj Ahuja, told Faking News outside the Delhi sessions court earlier today, “The photo on the site just before I made the blunder showed this Bollywood celebrity happily frolicking with her hubby on the pristine beaches of Maldives. Even I am not that stupid okay; after all, I am an engineer. I can understand that I was not being promised a tour package to Maldives. But ever since Sheetal came into my life, where have I had the time to enjoy? This is a blatant lie, no one is that happy after marriage!”

Another member of the popularly dubbed “free us bechare shadi wale” campaign, Ankita, strongly agrees, “It is not like we are being unfair. I am even willing to return my complete husband for a half refund. Arre yaar, if they want, they don’t even have to refund anything! I just refuse to exchange him, ek bar mukti miljaye toh bas; I am not so stupid to do it all over again.”

Aise kaise ho sakta hain?” Bilu Sachdev, another distraught ex-user explained, “Every other website that sells something has promotional offers like ‘buy one, get one free’, ‘try before you buy’, ‘if found to be broken on receipt of the product, you are able to return it’ and so on and so forth, so why does not do the same? This is unfair trade practice. The Indian government should intervene for the betterment of the country’s citizens.” however, is strongly opposing the accusation, claiming that they do not take responsibility of product’s performance, and in many cases, diminishing in quality over the life span of the product.

An official statement made by the organisation states that, “ is unable to ensure that the product will remain the same or even appear to be the same as their online profile, once the product has been purchased. Furthermore, we are unable to validate that the product will not deteriorate in quality and/or appearance due to use and natural wear and tear. Users of our online system must understand that they are purchasing all available items at their own risk, which is clearly outlined in our online disclaimer as well as terms and conditions. We are unable to make adjustments for users forgetting or skimming over these vital legal documents in their zealous excitement while purchasing online.”