Thursday, March 5, 2015

PICS: Reactions to recent developments in AAP

New Delhi. Following ouster of Prashant Bhushan and Yogendra Yadav from PAC in AAP, Faking News caught reactions of some important people. Here they are:

Ashutosh: "Mishon Akomplished"

Ashutosh: “Mishon Akomplished”

Mujhse panga! Letters ki line laga dunga..

Mujhse panga! Letters ki line laga dunga..

Sleeping gives you inner peace. And inner peace is like Internal survey. It will make party peaceful

Sleeping gives you inner peace. And inner peace is like Internal survey. It will make party peaceful

Thank god I am in BJP

Thank god I am in BJP

"Before we could learn from AAP, they have learned from us"

“Before we could learn from AAP, they have learned from us”

And they said I am autocratic.

And they said I am autocratic.

After ouster from PAC, Prashant Bhushan and Yogendra Yadav to ask Kejriwal which color to use on Holi

New Delhi. Falling in line completely with their party supremo Arvind Kejriwal, senior leaders and co-founders of AAP, Yogendra Yadav and Prashant Bhushan, who were ousted from PAC yesterday, have decided to consult Kejriwal on which colours should they play Holi with tomorrow.

Both Bhushan and Yadav took this decision after they came to know that Kejriwal through his spy mechanism had already found out the colour they were going to use and did not approve of it.

Yadav after applying colors of Kejriwal's choice on his face during mock Holi drill.

Yadav after applying colors of Kejriwal’s choice on his face during mock Holi celebrations at AAP HQ.

Fearing ouster from whatever remaining positions they held in AAP and scared of rubbing Kejriwal off the wrong way (quite literally), they decided to ask Kejriwal itself as to which colors should they play the festival of colors with.

“I did not want to be another Kamal Mitra Chenoy or Captain Gopinath,” said Yadav, who still harbors ambitions to be Haryana CM get AAP’s MLA ticket from Jhajjar constituency, while Bhushan hoped if there was still some scope for seeking referendum on colours to be used.

Sources say Kejriwal had threatened to tender resignation from playing holi if Bhushan and Yadav continued to play the festival with colour of their own choice.

Following which, Kejriwal loyalist Ashutosh immediately tweeted, “The decisive churning in AAP’s holi plans. It’s clash of ideas between ultra dark color enthusiats who demand usage of pitch dark green colour and pragmatic celebrations of welfarism.”

Yadav, who is assigned the job of improving Ashutosh’s tweeting skills, reportedly read the tweet and understood that it was now time to fall in line.

While Bhushan refused to comment on the issue, saying we should wait for leak of his next letter, Yadav was more forthcoming.

“Na rangeinge na bheegeinge, poochenge fir pichkaareinge,” was all Yadav said when asked for his reaction.

However on being pressed further, he said,” There were some inner party democratically healthy differences of opinion with colours we have got through donations. I recommended reconstitution of our entire Holi purchase and fresh colours to be inducted. That’s all.”

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Shiv Sena sends a delegation to Kashmir to learn from PDP on how to troll BJP

Mumbai. Having so far failed to embarrass and irritate BJP to the level PDP trolled it in the matter of last few days, BJP’s ally cum opposition Shiv Sena has decided to send a delegation to Kashmir to learn the art of trolling from its PDP counterparts.

If sources are to be believed, initially there was an unsaid competition between PDP and Shiv Sena as to who will troll BJP better, then dejected Shiv Sainiks just gave up.

“Within 2 days of their alliance, PDP through their actions and statements showed us ki baap baap hota hai,” confessed a Shiv Sena leader under the conditions of anonymity.

"Modi ji, it was nice trolling you"

“Modi ji, it was nice trolling you”

Reportedly Shiv Sena was impressed with the refined and sophisticated manner in which PDP trolled and embarrassed their alliance partner.

“Unlike us, PDP keeps it very much verbal. Out in Kashmir, they don’t go about doing things like pelting stones, damaging public property or burning buses, as such things are already taken care of by locals. PDP doesn’t get into all this. They focus more on strategic aspect of trolling BJP. We need to learn that art from them,” said Uddhav Thackeray as he flagged off a cadre of Shiv Sainiks to Srinagar.

PDP too has welcomed Shiv Sena’s eagerness to learn and has assured full co-operation.

“They too have been given a mandate to troll BJP by voters in Maharashtra. We respect that and will only teach them and not other parties like NCP or MNS,” PDP chief Mufti Sayeed told Faking News.

Mufti is however aware how sight of anything related to Pakistan can get on the nerves of Shiv Sainiks.

“We know how on seeing some Pakis or listening to statements where we praise Pakis or separatists, some shiv sainiks may lose their cool and start digging up roads, grounds, basically whatever they can lay their hands on. Therefore arrangements are being made to ensure such untoward things don’t happen,” the newly anointed CM of J&K disclosed.

Experts claim that both these parties can only stand to improve their trolling skills from each other’s inputs.

“They remind me of Johnny Lever’s character in Dulhe Raja, where he assured his boss Kader Khan that he was on his side but had his fingers pointed somewhere else,” said one such expert.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Bookies predict BJP-AIMIM alliance to form govt in next Telangana assembly elections

Hydearabad. Soon after PDP-BJP alliance formed govt in Jammu & Kashmir, renowned political bookies started taking bets for next Telangana assembly elections, which is still some 3-4 years away.

For now Bookies have given highest odds to the BJP and Owaisi led AIMIM (All India Majlis-e-Ittehad-ul Muslimeen) alliance.

Bookies claim they made huge loses by making a mistake of not even considering a BJP-PDP alliance in J&K while bets were being placed, and they wish to make amends now.

“We had never in our wildest dreams predicted such a scenario in J&K and thus lost heavily. So this time we want to be proactive and give the alliance that seems most unlikely to happen at the moment, the highest odds,” explained a top political bookie. “Decks are already cleared for this alliance down south to happen.”

The alliance that has changed political predictions.

The alliance that has changed political predictions.

Bookies further claimed that what they were predicting in Telangana could still be far less than what could actually happen.

“3 years is a lot of time, you see. We have seen how opinions within parties, specially inside BJP change every few minutes,” pointed another bookie.

“5 years down the line, you never know, We may even see BJP allying with terror outfits to defeat terrorism. It is very much possible,” he added.

Political experts too backed predictions made by bookies and called it a part of natural progression to the change in politics, that India was witnessing.

“Power and ideologies have become mutually exclusive nowadays. Last year, AAP had literally paved way for this new kind of politics by allying with Congress, and this year BJP has taken it further. It will only go from strength to strength from here,” one such expert told Faking News.

However many BJP supporters on social media have decided to go easy on opposition parties from now on.

“Half my time on twitter these days goes in deleting my earlier tweets, which attacked parties like PDP, NCP etc. I think, now I will decide whether to attack an opposition party or not only after elections have taken place and govt has been formed in a state,” said a BJP fan who has decided to not highlight wrongdoings of JDU/RJD in Bihar, for now.

Meanwhile this alliance has raised hopes of many regional parties, especially Samajwadi Party which was facing tough fight from BJP in UP for upcolming assembly elections in 2017 there.

“Majority mein na sahi, par bhajpa ke saath toh ham sarkaar zaroor banayenge,” said a jubilant Mulayam Singh Yadav.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

As Kejriwal’s blood sugar level rises, doctor advises him to not listen to Yogendra Yadav

New Delhi. The apparent rift between AAP leaders Arvind Kejriwal and Yogendra Yadav appears medical, and not political, the latest reports suggest.

As Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal is not feeling well due to increase in blood sugar level, his doctor has advised him to not listen to the soft spoken AAP leader Yogendra Yadav, whose voice is famous for being extra sweet.

As per Dr. Naresh Batra, who is treating AAP supremo, constant overexposure to Yadav’s voice over months could have resulted into the increased sugar level.

Yogendra Yadav

“My voice is sugar free, believe me”

“But in case of an emergency, I would advise him to take an insulin shot before meeting Yogendra Ji,” said Dr. Batra adding that best option for Kejriwal would be to chat with Yadav on WhatsApp, if talking to him is that necessary at all, “I know, such sweet voice is too hard to resist. But as Arvind is the CM of Delhi, health should be his prime concern. People need him.”

While Many AAP activists are convinced with this argument and have blamed media for creating an artificial fight between Arvind and Yogendra, conspiracy-theory enthusiast and BJP leader Subramanian Swamy has warned Kejriwal of a possible plot by Yogendra Yadav camp to destabilize his health.

“YY is working on this undercover project to increase Kejri’s sugar level for months,” read a tweet of Mr. Swamy, who tweeting further suggested that to counter the effect, Kejriwal should listen to Ravan’s laugh. “I will mail him YouTube links of Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayan,” he tweeted.

However, reacting sharply to doctor’s allegations and making a scathing attack, Yogendra Yadav has reportedly asked him, “Aur bhai sahab, kya haal chal hai? Aaap ye kaise kaise behude aarop laga rahe hain? Ghar parivar par sab kushal mangal na?

Meanwhile, taking matters into his own hands, AAP leader Kumar Vishwas has promised Delhi public that he would be reciting his poems to Mr Kejriwal for an hour daily.

Koi deewana kehta hai, koi pagal samajhta hai, magar dharti ki bechaini ko bas badal samajhta hai. Just give me a week, Arvind’s blood sugar level will be back to normal,” a confident Mr. Vishwas told Faking News.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Consortium of Swiss banks support the tagline #Won’tGiveItBack

Geneva. A consortium of Swiss banks, today announced that the group supports #Won’tGiveItBack. The news went viral in the national newspapers, television and social media across the world.

Faking News reporter, who is currently holidaying in Switzerland, gives details of the first-hand reports here.


“We won’t give it back”

With the ICC World Cup trending in many parts of the world, the tagline #Won’tGiveItBack had reached every nooks and corner. Incidentally, a Swiss bank board room found the tagline to be very interesting. Immediately, a few more akin banks were contacted and a consortium was formed. The tagline of the consortium will be #Won’tGiveItBack.

Faking News correspondent managed to speak with the newly anointed spokesperson of the group. What he couldn’t manage was the number of bouncers thrown at him; more than what could possibly be bowled in the entire world cup matches put together.

The first bouncer was, of course, the tagline is not about cricket. It is about ‘Swiss banks won’t give back’ the money to any state, black, white or brown. Also, the next one about #Won’tGiveItBack, the list of account holders.

“From the land of most idiotic taglines and advertisements, when a new one #Won’tGiveItBack trends viral, we want to put the opportunity to maximum use and announce to the entire world in general and to India in particular, that we #Won’tGiveItBack. What is funny is that an entire nation is going behind #Won’tGiveItBack, which is not rightfully theirs (or) at least which is not rightfully theirs yet, barring a miracle in the similar altitude of an Indian winning this year’s Wimbledon Championships in singles,” said the spokesperson.

“What we are saying is #Won’tGiveItBack, which is rightfully ours since decades. It is also ironic that a few political parties in India make electoral promises regarding black money, without consulting us. Our simple answer to them is #Won’tGiveItBack. It is entirely none of our business; but in the interest of greater democracy, we would hope that Indian voters will use the tagline #Won’tGiveItBack, with reference to their votes to these political parties, next time around.”

“Finally, just want to say, with tagline #Won’tGiveItBack for ICC world cup, the rest of the world, and a few sections of Indian society, are laughing at it. When we say it loud and clear, we are laughing out loud at the rest of the world. Take care world! We #Won’tGiveItBack!” he concluded.