Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Leopard who moved into IIT Bombay had no mating partner, wanted to hang out with bachelors

Mumbai. Frustrated by taunts of his already committed friends, a “single” leopard named Chiteshwar, escaped from jungle and entered IIT Bombay campus to live with like-minded animals.


Dancing-Leopard

Single and happy.



Unlike other leopards, Chiteshwar claims to be a “thinking leopard” and doesn’t mind being single.


“It is not like I don’t want to get into a relationship. I am bit shy, and socially awkward with female leopards. But that doesn’t mean my friends make fun of me!” argued Chiteshwar, while trying to convince college authorities to let him stay in the campus.


To further impress the authorities, Chiteshwar also flaunted his good IQ level by telling them the difference between a male and a female leopard.


Chiteshwar is hoping that a good IQ level coupled with his inability to be comfortable with opposite sex is surely going to help him prolong his stay inside campus at one of the boy’s hostels.


“I am loving the hostel environment, and it’s feeling like home away from home!” Chiteshwar said after meeting a few students in hostel who hadn’t taken bath for last few weeks.


Cheetah bhi daily nahi nahata,” he quipped.


Following his revelations, students at IIT are supporting the leopard. “He is one of us,” said Amit, a second year electrical engineering student, “We will benefit from his animal spirits.”


“If we are going to turn our back on Chiteshwar, then who in this brutal world would help him?” a sympathetic Amit pleaded further, “By end of the college, he could get placed in one of the circuses, like rest of us.”



Shiv Sena MPs to help mothers force feed children who don’t eat green vegetables

Mumbai. Buoyed by their success at Maharashtra Sadan in Delhi, where they forcibly made a staffer almost eat a chapati, Shiv Sena MPs have now decided to help mothers whose children are reluctant to eat green vegetables.


“With great power comes great responsibility, and we understand it perfectly well. Now that we have realized our power to force feed anyone, we are certainly going to use it for the benefit of society and our constituencies,” said Sena MP Rajan Vichare while addressing a joint press conference along with other 10 MPs who were involved in the act.


Hate Veggie

An open invitation to Khilawan Man.



Mr. Vichare revealed that the idea to help the mothers clicked in his mind, when he saw his own video in which he was forcing chapati into the mouth of Maharashtra Sadan staff, who was later identified as a fasting Muslim.


“It reminded me of my childhood days, when my mother used to forcefully feed me spinach, and I must say, that wasn’t an easy task for her,” Vichare said.


“That’s why we have decided to use our habit of flaunting power for some constructive purpose. We will help mothers force feed green vegetables or milk to their children,” he added.


When asked if this won’t amount to child abuse, the MP threatened to force feed the microphone to this Faking News reporter.


The MPs will be projecting themselves as some superhero – tentatively being called “Khilawan Man” – who would be feared by kids, unlike other kids friendly superheroes like Shaktimaan.


“A well known fashion designer from Mumbai has been asked to design the superhero dress, which could be similar to dresses worn by Lady Gaga,” revealed a source, “This is to make children afraid of them. Although being a Sena MP is sufficient enough, but still.”


Shiv Sena chief Uddhav Thackeray has supported his MPs’ decision and hoped that it will help Marathi children become healthier and stronger.


Meanwhile, mothers across Maharashtra have started using the phrase “Beta hari sabzi khaa lo warna Khilawan Man aa jaayega” to make their children eat vegetables and other nutritional food items.



Tuesday, July 22, 2014

IIM introduces course on managing limited sabzi with rotis, to improve students’ managerial skills

Ahmedabad. Taking a cue from daily life, country’s top management institute IIM Ahmedabad has introduced a new course to teach students how to finish rotis (breads) with limited amount of sabzi (cooked vegetables) while eating.


Professor Jagannath Datta, the man behind this idea, believes that it will help future managers to acquire the much required skill of managing a system when faced with scarcity of resources.


Sabji Roti

Mock test.



“I have seen many students in a mess while eating in the mess,” Prof. Datta said, “Some of them are left with no vegetables but one roti left, which causes them to go and get extra sabzi from the counter. Some of them end up overeating, while others end up wasting either the vegetable or the roti.”


“That’s when I thought about the course content and decided to offer it to the second year students,” he said.


The “sabzi-roti management” course will be offered entirely in the hostel mess and students will have to attend classes during the lunch and dinner times.


Prof. Datta will oversee students eating rot-sabzi and impart vital lessons on the go. A test run of the course is already underway with help of a few student volunteers.


Varun, one of the volunteer students, confirmed that he was finding the course very useful and he had learned a lot of things in just two days, though he was still far away from perfection.


“I have finally learned to save sabzi for the last roti. But professor tells me that my consumption pattern didn’t follow the optimal path. I had allocated very limited amount of sabzi to first four rotis to make sure I don’t run out of sabzi for the last roti. But prof was not happy,” Varun said.


“I have to learn optimal resource allocation, as all rotis deserve same amount of sabzi,” he explained.


Apart from operations management, the course is also expected to impart some vital lessons in financial management.


“Students who fail to save sabzi for the last roti will have to take sabzi loan, and repay it in the next class by eating one roti less. The hunger will teach them how to control expenditure and avoid credit risks,” Prof. Datta told Faking News.


The course, due to the nature of “academic work” involved, is expected to be a huge hit among students, sources confirm.



Manager found putting less than 90% of his time in shooting mails, sacked

Mumbai. A senior manager working in the sales division of a logistics and courier company was sacked today after he was found devoting less than 90% of his time in shooting mails to his team and superiors.


This gross violation of the universally acceptable behavior of a manager came to the light when he submitted his official laptop for servicing.


On going through the mails in it – an act sanctioned by one of the clauses in the employment contract – the systems guy found him writing only about 30-40 mails on a daily basis. He immediately brought it to the notice of the HR of the company.


email

A manager at work



Further to this, the history showed the manager logging onto Facebook and Twitter only 6-7 times a day as against a minimum of 25 times clearly stated in his KRA.


Upon further inspection, the HR department also found a staggering 88% of his entire team very happy with the way he was handling them. Following this, HR, in consultation with top management, decided to sack him.


“I was already suspicious about him when he did not give me a life on candy crush during office hours once,” said the HR head of the company for 5 years, “He would exceed his lunch hours and tea breaks by only 15 minutes and would be seldom seen wasting time. But I would turn a blind eye to his behavior as his honeymoon period was on.”


If the HR guys are to be believed, at the time of interview, the manager had projected himself as a very pompous, slothful, and insensitive kind of a guy, leading to his quick selection. But he changed colors too soon.


The company now rues not giving a suitable hike to the past manager, who would shoot mails at drop of a hat.


“He was a passionate mailer. He would even write mails on how he thinks the watchman of our office should go about his work and how he can improve his efficiency and productivity,” his boss told Faking News, admitting that letting him go was a grave mistake.


“At time we would be fooled into thinking that he was mute, because even for normal conversations like ‘Hi, How are you?…Chal lets go for lunch‘, he would shoot mails,” he went on to explain how his services, of rather the lack of it, were being missed.



Men at work totally busy trying to help the new girl in office

Bangalore. Male employees of BrainDead Services Private Limited, an IT services company, are totally busy competing against each other over who would help the newly joined girl with her work.


It all started last week when Manmohini, a software engineer with two years of experience joined BrainDead. As per office sources, all was going as expected with men, especially those with “single” status, finding excuses to start a conversation with her.


“Everybody was introducing himself to Manmohini and explaining their skills. Had they done something similar during appraisal, they might have got extra 1% salary hike!” said Murthy, the HR manager of the company.


Lady typing at computer

These finger movements are defining the movements of men in the office these days.



Apart from verbally displaying their LinkedIn profile pages to the new girl, all of them reassured Manmohini that they were always there for her.


“Being a true team player, we all promised to help her beyond our capacity,” Mrugank, one of the “competitors” confirmed.


As luck had it, Manmohini started her work and faced her first problem within an hour. This is when the competition entered the “cut throat” level.


“Within seconds, ten guys were standing around me to help,” recounted Manmohini while talking to Faking News, “And after that, all hell broke loose. All ten of them started fighting for my laptop, just in order to fix my problem.”


A guy named Vikas managed to get the laptop and ran away from the site, so that he alone fixed the problem and became a hero in the eyes of Manmohini. This is when the competition entered the “war zone”.


Following complaint by the colleagues, Vikas has been warned not to indulge in such behavior again. Rules of war have been released by the HR department and employees have promised to follow them, unlike other rules routinely released by HR.


Latest reports suggest that everyone in the company is waiting for Manmohini to encounter her second problem.


Meanwhile Faking News has found out through a different set of sources that Manmohini is a secret weapon that was employed to suppress a growing discontent and possible rebellion among the employees over paltry salary hike earlier this year.


“Frankly, this is for the first time that we have hired someone for their looks,” the HR manager claimed, “There are some women in our workforce, and they too are unhappy about the salary hike. But we thought to control the men first.”


“But what if someone finally wins her over? That employee will go on a date, and will again realize that he doesn’t get enough salary to support a romantic life?” Faking News asked.


“She already has a boyfriend, but we have asked her not to disclose it till the next appraisal,” Murthy revealed.



Monday, July 21, 2014

Exclusive pics showing what Modi’s fashion designer is planning for him

According to reports, Prime Minister Narendra Modi has hired a Mumbai-based designer Troy Costa to style his wardrobe for his upcoming US trip in September. Faking News has managed to hack into Costa’s laptop, and here is a sneak peak into what Costa is planning:


Narendra Modi

An attempt to give him that Clooney look. Apart from wardrobe, some hairstyling will also be needed.



Floral

Dress especially designed for his Hawaii trip.



Narendra Modi

Something special, in case he visits Las Vegas.



Narendra Modi

Coolness redefined.



Narendra Modi

This dress is surely going to raise some eyebrows.



Narendra Modi

Dear America, get ready to welcome the Indian PM.