Saturday, July 26, 2014

Student quits photography to finish engineering college

Bangalore. In an interesting turn of events last Thursday night, Nitesh, a student from Vishveshwarya Institute of Engineering and Technology declared his life changing decision of ‘quitting photography and finishing engineering college’ among a gathering of his friends.

This event has been made public through a cellphone video recorded by one of his sober friends that evening. In the video Nitesh and his friends Mohit, Vikash, and Ranjan, could be seen raising their glasses while cheering and supporting him in his tough life changing decision and wishing him best for what lay ahead of him in his journey.

When this Faking News reporter asked Nitesh this morning over what made him take the decision, he said, “I shouldn’t have watched 3 idiots the night before.”


Nitesh’s Facebook profile pic before he decided to quit photography

Jay and Rohit, two first year students of the same college who had been asked to fetch 3 bottles of Old Monk later that night, claimed that they had found broken pieces of a camera, which both of them instantly recognized as their final year senior’s.

Apart from that, they witnessed the smudged writing on their senior’s hostel wall which said “I QUIT” being overwritten with another piece of writing which said “NOW, I BEGIN”.

Some more interesting facts were unearthed in the tea-break during college the next morning, where some of the dark secrets about Nitesh’s life were revealed.

Uday, his classmate and ex-roommate was quoted as saying, “He used to buy entry tickets for photography competitions in several college fests. Never won even a single time!”

And Vineet, who was seated nearby added, “He owes me 500 rupees now; said he would pay me as soon as he sells his camera.” What followed next was his anxiety when Vineet was informed about the broken camera by the first year juniors who were eavesdropping on this discussion.

After deciding that engineering is something he should concentrate upon, Nitesh was the first to get to his class on Friday morning, reportedly with borrowed notebooks and a pen. Although to his misfortune, he hadn’t had the time to catch up with his friends who would have informed him about a planned mass bunk until tea-break.

“I am not going to be a part of the crowd,” Nitesh later told Faking News why he attend the class alone.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Dowry of balding engineer decreasing at his hair loss speed, family in hurry to marry him off

Lucknow. Chaman Lal, a balding engineer in his mid twenties, is facing serious trouble in cracking a perfect dowry deal due to constant hair fall.

Chaman’s hair fall problem started around a year back, but it was in January this year when his parents realized its negative impact on cashing him off.


Save hairs, only 40,000 left.

“Last year, when Chaman’s head was completely covered with hair, I checked his market value after consulting experts from dowry business. They had valued him something around Rs 12 lakh in cash and a Hyundai i20,” Daman Lal, Chaman’s father, disclosed his son’s worth in 2013.

But Chaman’s market value started falling with his falling hair soon after, and within a period of 6 months, it was reduced to Rs 9 lakh in cash and the car model downgraded from Hyundai i20 to Hyundai i10.

Chaman’s father was so shocked, he took around a week to recover from the mental trauma caused by the loss.

“I never realized that the hair, which our maid was sweeping away every morning and throwing in the garbage bin, was so precious!” Mr Daman Lal continued, “If his hair fall continues at this rate, who knows, we may have to settle down with a second hand Maruti 800.”

Panicked Chaman’s parents have begun a massive search operation to find a suitable bride for him before his it’s too late.

“We have informed all our relatives and created Chaman’s account on all matrimonial sites. I will not let him go Kingfisher’s way,” averred Chaman’s uncle, a stock broker by profession.

However, with each passing month, Chaman’s value is decreasing despite taking hair control treatment from likes of Dr Batra.

Meanwhile, doctors have advised Chaman to relax and not worry too much about the falling dowry rate, as the stress caused by that might further speed up the hair fall rate.

Families bringing their own paneer to enjoy Pizza Paneer Makhni at Pizza Hut

Mumbai. The Paneer Makhni offering of Pizza Hut has turned out to be a big hit among families who are seen enjoying it with the paneer specially brought from home.

Customers latched on to the idea of bringing home paneer after finding them being served with only 2 odd small pieces of Paneer on the base.

“The first time I thought they may have forgotten to add paneer and makhan to the pizza base, but when I ordered it again the next time, I was sure it was some new concept where they just want families to bring their own paneer in order to enjoy this offering,” a regular Pizza Hut customer confirmed.

Paneer Makhni

The delicious Paneer Makhni as served by Pizza Hut.

“But let me tell you the Pizza base that they serve is the most delicious in the world,” he quickly added.

Customers feel Pizza Hut should take this idea to the next level and start serving plain pizza on lines plain dosa served by south Indian restaurants.

“It is a revolutionary idea. It gives me the feeling of having Paneer Makhni without actually eating any paneer,” a figure-conscious model explained how this offering was low on calories.

Pizza Hut management too is ecstatic that it had been able to strike the right chord with this concept.

“Different people have different taste buds. So it is just a precautionary exercise where we are encouraging customers to bring paneer cooked in their own style, so as to avoid any kind of disappointment later,” Paneer Pradhan, general manager Pizza Hut told Faking News.

“We can’t risk a situation where someone barges into our Kitchen and stuffs pizza into our chef’s mouth after being disappointed with the taste or quality,” he added.

He further showed a “thank you” card that was given to him by an engineer who became nostalgic after having Paneer Makhni.

“He became emotional and hugged me tightly for reminding of his hostel days where he would hardly find any paneer in kadai paneer ki sabzi at mess,” Pradhan revealed.

Mothers too are happy with this latest offering by Pizza Hut.

“Now I don’t stop my son from eating at Pizza Hut, since 80% of the stuff that he eats there is home cooked and 100% hygienic,” revealed one such relieved mother.

Meanwhile inspired by Pizza Hut, Lays is planning to officially sell only air in its packets, which will be filled by home cooked chips.

Man demands tax exemption on earnings made via Dhan Varsha Yantra

New Delhi. Sudarshan Jha, an unemployed engineering graduate, has filed a petition in the Supreme Court claiming exemption from paying taxes over money he made due to a yantra he bought after watching a television ad.

In desperation to make some money to feed his family, Sudharshan had come across “Shri Dhan Laxmi Kuber Dhan Varsha Yantra” that promised to make him rich. And it actually worked.

Dhan Varsha Yantra

An offer he couldn’t refuse.

“Thanks to the yantra, mere achchhe din aa gaye,” Sudarshan told Faking News.

In the petition, he has pointed out that since India was a secular country, Government of India was not the owner of God Kuber or Goddess Laxmi and neither of them were registered as any business concerns in India. In fact, they were not even attached to any financial institution, though names or logos of some banks may suggest otherwise.

“How can this money be taxed by the government of India?” he claimed. When a CA argued that it was still taxable because he, as an Indian citizen, got it in India, Sudarshan claimed that it was not any “salary” that Laxmi-Kuber had paid him.

“The money I have made, thanks to this yantra, is like god’s gift,” he claimed, “Money gifted by parents to their children are not taxed in India, because parents are like god. So how can gifts from god be taxed?”

“If gifts from god are to be taxed, tomorrow government will impose a tax on having children, because children are considered god’s gift!” Sudarshan argued why his case was very vital for the whole society.

Upon being asked about his annual income figure from the yantra, Mr. Jha refused to divulge any information saying the matter was sub-judice.

It will be interesting to see what verdict the apex court comes up with, as many income tax defaulters and people supposed be having accounts in Swiss banks are believed to be following the developments closely.

A verdict in favor of Mr. Jha will be a good tool to justify their income as result of some divine blessings.

“If Sudharshan loses the case, we will ask someone from the minority community to file a similar case. The courts could be forced to be sensitive to religious beliefs in that case,” a man checking his Swiss account balance told Faking News.

Meanwhile, sources reveal that to pull out of losses, Rail Ministry has ordered all its division to install these yantras in their offices. If these yantras bail railway out of decades of losses, they will further add Hanuman Chalisa yantra, also available for sale on TV these days, to ward off any future accidents and collision.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Leopard who moved into IIT Bombay had no mating partner, wanted to hang out with bachelors

Mumbai. Frustrated by taunts of his already committed friends, a “single” leopard named Chiteshwar, escaped from jungle and entered IIT Bombay campus to live with like-minded animals.


Single and happy.

Unlike other leopards, Chiteshwar claims to be a “thinking leopard” and doesn’t mind being single.

“It is not like I don’t want to get into a relationship. I am bit shy, and socially awkward with female leopards. But that doesn’t mean my friends make fun of me!” argued Chiteshwar, while trying to convince college authorities to let him stay in the campus.

To further impress the authorities, Chiteshwar also flaunted his good IQ level by telling them the difference between a male and a female leopard.

Chiteshwar is hoping that a good IQ level coupled with his inability to be comfortable with opposite sex is surely going to help him prolong his stay inside campus at one of the boy’s hostels.

“I am loving the hostel environment, and it’s feeling like home away from home!” Chiteshwar said after meeting a few students in hostel who hadn’t taken bath for last few weeks.

Cheetah bhi daily nahi nahata,” he quipped.

Following his revelations, students at IIT are supporting the leopard. “He is one of us,” said Amit, a second year electrical engineering student, “We will benefit from his animal spirits.”

“If we are going to turn our back on Chiteshwar, then who in this brutal world would help him?” a sympathetic Amit pleaded further, “By end of the college, he could get placed in one of the circuses, like rest of us.”

Shiv Sena MPs to help mothers force feed children who don’t eat green vegetables

Mumbai. Buoyed by their success at Maharashtra Sadan in Delhi, where they forcibly made a staffer almost eat a chapati, Shiv Sena MPs have now decided to help mothers whose children are reluctant to eat green vegetables.

“With great power comes great responsibility, and we understand it perfectly well. Now that we have realized our power to force feed anyone, we are certainly going to use it for the benefit of society and our constituencies,” said Sena MP Rajan Vichare while addressing a joint press conference along with other 10 MPs who were involved in the act.

Hate Veggie

An open invitation to Khilawan Man.

Mr. Vichare revealed that the idea to help the mothers clicked in his mind, when he saw his own video in which he was forcing chapati into the mouth of Maharashtra Sadan staff, who was later identified as a fasting Muslim.

“It reminded me of my childhood days, when my mother used to forcefully feed me spinach, and I must say, that wasn’t an easy task for her,” Vichare said.

“That’s why we have decided to use our habit of flaunting power for some constructive purpose. We will help mothers force feed green vegetables or milk to their children,” he added.

When asked if this won’t amount to child abuse, the MP threatened to force feed the microphone to this Faking News reporter.

The MPs will be projecting themselves as some superhero – tentatively being called “Khilawan Man” – who would be feared by kids, unlike other kids friendly superheroes like Shaktimaan.

“A well known fashion designer from Mumbai has been asked to design the superhero dress, which could be similar to dresses worn by Lady Gaga,” revealed a source, “This is to make children afraid of them. Although being a Sena MP is sufficient enough, but still.”

Shiv Sena chief Uddhav Thackeray has supported his MPs’ decision and hoped that it will help Marathi children become healthier and stronger.

Meanwhile, mothers across Maharashtra have started using the phrase “Beta hari sabzi khaa lo warna Khilawan Man aa jaayega” to make their children eat vegetables and other nutritional food items.