Wednesday, April 16, 2014

For IPL’s image makeover, organizers invite Kejriwal to the opening ceremony

Abu Dhabi. The seventh season of Pepsi Indian Premier League was flagged off in Abu Dhabi with an inaugural speech by AAP chief Arvind Kejriwal. Presence of Kejriwal at the event is being seen as final image makeover attempt by organizers.

Kejriwal Abu Dhabi

Getting ready for the event.

However, in his speech, Kejriwal talked nothing about cricket, instead he stayed focused on topics like corruption, gas price rise and Narendra Modi, which obviously made no sense for the foreign guests present there.

Experts say, the way Kejriwal utilized IPL opening ceremony to push his political agenda without directly endorsing IPL, proves his political shrewdness.

But BCCI officials were happy just with his presence. Afraid of steep fall in viewership due to spot-fixing scandal, IPL organizing committee is also eyeing Kejriwal fans at urban centers of India, and is seeing them as potential viewers.

“Among his supporters, he is an epitome of honesty. Now, as his feet have touched the podium, we don’t need anyone else’s certificate,” said an excited IPL official. “We are hopeful that Kejriwal’s guest appearance will make many Indians believe that IPL is clean.”

Meanwhile, after taking a look at latest opinion polls, IPL officials are doubtful about the expected impact of Kejriwal’s speech on IPL viewership.

Kejriwal simultaneously sits on 20 protest venues using 3D holographic tech; man attempts to slap his 3D projection

Delhi. Using 3D holographic technology, today, AAP supremo Arvind Kejriwal simultaneously sat on 20 protest venues across India.

Kejriwal’s move is being seen as his latest attempt to challenge BJP’s PM candidate Narendra Modi, who is also using the same technology for his rallies.

Kejriwal 3D

Kejriwal’s 3D projection.

Reportedly, to remain a step ahead of Modi, AAP chief was initially looking for 4D holographic projection with rain, wind and lightning effects to give protests a touch of tragedy, but things couldn’t materialize.

Meanwhile, at Jantar Mantar protest, an auto rickshaw driver tried to slap Kejriwal once again, but thankfully Kejriwal remained unhurt as it was his 3D projection which was present there.

“The attacker was totally unaware about the 3D image and he thought it to be real Arvind Kejriwal. He was immediately caught by AAP supporters and was given required amount of heart transforming dose,” narrated a man present at Jantar Mantar, when the incident took place. “It looked like a trap set by AAP to catch people who are trying to slap Kejriwal.”

AAP insiders say, using 3D holographic technology is a well thought out plan to save Kejriwal from the regular ink and slap attacks which he was facing for last few weeks.

“Beside increasing his presence across various constituencies, it will also ensure his safety. In reality, Kejriwal himself was sitting on protest and was giving speech at AAP headquarters, which was being broadcast live at 20 protest venues,” revealed an insider.

Now AAP is also planning to use 3D holographic technology extensively during Kejriwal’s campaign in Varanasi in innovative ways.

As per AAP members, 3D holographic projection of drawing room of the house where Kejriwal is staying in Varanasi will be broadcast live at 200 choupals across the holy city.

“Kejriwal Ji’s life is going to be public for next one month. We will show people, how simple a man he is. He will even sleep in his drawing room and when not sleeping he will be giving speeches from there, 24X7,” said a visibly excited AAP member, “Chalega na Modi ka mayajaal, ab har choupal Kejriwal.”

Manchester United fire David Moyes and appoint bronze statue of Sir Alex Ferguson as new manager

Manchester, UK. Following a dismal season that has seen Manchester United languishing in the middle of the Premier League table, the Board of Directors have fired head coach David Moyes with immediate effect and replaced him with the recently unveiled statue of Sir Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford.

The club confirmed that the statue, which was installed outside the stadium in Nov 2012, has been appropriately offered a 26-year contract. A short statement on the club’s official website said -‘Since David Moyes was signed on a 6-year deal despite his total lack of a winning mentality or experience in handling big clubs, we felt compelled to give the statue an even longer contract’.

Fergie statue

Will the statue get back Man-U’s lost glory?

Encouragingly, Sir Alex Ferguson has extended his support for the statue, “I like that he is of Scottish origin. As you all know, that is pretty much the only quality I look for in a United manager’.

The departing manager Moyes was suitably dejected. “I understand that the Board and the fans are cross with me. And you certainly don’t cross Sir Alex or his statue at this club. I guess I’ll be OK. It’s just another cross I have to bear,” he said, confirming his ill-advised love for crosses yet again.

An online poll of United fans following this shock move showed that an overwhelming majority (75%) fully backed the Fergie Statue as the new gaffer. Other top picks were Jose Mourinho (8%), Pep Guardiola (7%), Fergie’s racehorse (4%) and Toronto’s crack-mayor Rob Ford (3%). Incredibly, 2% of the fans still backed David Moyes, although this group comprised solely of 85-year old season-ticket holders who are under the impression the season is yet to start.

Speaking for the dressing room, a visibly excited Wayne Rooney said that the new manager was “someone who was firmly grounded, with a solid head on his shoulders and a spine of steel”, not realizing he had also perfectly described the structural composition of the statue through his annoying sports clich├ęs.

An FA spokesperson said that referees are delighted at the prospect of finally being able to officiate in matches where Fergie will have his mouth firmly shut at the touchline. In return, the refs promised to resume their long-standing policy of adding generous injury time at the end of United games, a critical contributor to many of the Red Devils’ title-winning campaigns.

Along expected lines, celebrity Gunners fan Piers Morgan sent out a regretful tweet: “Another glorious chance squandered to sign a real winner to manage Arsenal. #WengerOut”

Monday, April 14, 2014

SecularKwik: adhesive that glues together secular votes launched

To stop secular votes from splitting, an adhesive has been launched that will glue together all such votes.

The product has been launched keeping in mind the ongoing general elections in India, and is expected to be a huge hit. Following are the Television and Print advertisements released for the same:


No more division of secular votes

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Gurunath Meiyappan and Vindoo Dara Singh caught betting on Rahul and Modi interviews

Mumbai. Gurunath Meiyappan and Vindoo Dara Singh, who were found to be betting on allegedly fixed matches in IPL, have been found betting again. This time over allegedly fixed interviews of Rahul Gandhi and Narendra Modi, which were broadcast last night on Aaj Tak and India TV respectively.

Rahul Gandhi and Narendra Modi

Congress claimed that Rahul Gandhi won because he used both hands while BJP pointed out that Modi’s image was larger.

“Yes, we found them betting on what questions will be asked and what will not be asked during the interviews last night,” a Mumbai police official confirmed.

“They also predicted answers and won money when Rahul Gandhi or Narendra Modi came up with exactly the same answers,” the official revealed.

Sources say that the duo was trying to recover the money they allegedly lost while betting on IPL matches.

“It remains a mystery on how did they lose money despite knowing that the matches were fixed. But this time, they claim to have made money,” the police officer told Faking News.

While experts on Twitter claimed that the incidence proved that both the interviews were fixed, Gurunath and Vidoo have denied that they had any such prior information.

“Ah come on! This was easier than betting on IPL matches,” Vindoo claimed, “I mean, anyone can predict with more certainty that Rahul will say ‘RTI’ than Raina getting out on a short ball. What is fixing over here?”

“Similarly about Modi,” Gurunath quipped, “The fact that questions will follow some restrictions was always known as field restrictions in T20 matches. Those are rules of the game, not fixing.”

Latest reports say that while many appeared convinced, Arnab Goswami has decided to trend #ShutUpFixers on Twitter and expose the hollow claims of the duo tonight.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Manmohan Singh overheats after reading Baru’s book, Sonia Gandhi takes him to robot repair shop

New Delhi. Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh suffered from overheating after reading a few pages of his former media adviser Sanjay Baru’s latest book ‘The Accidental Prime Minister’, in which Baru claims that Sonia was the super PM and Dr. Singh was powerless.

Fortunately, the owner Congress President Sonia Gandhi was present nearby at that moment, and she immediately took him to a robot repair shop.

Manmohan Singh

It was bound to happen

Reportedly, after reading a couple of pages from Baru’s book, MMS became dysfunctional while sitting in his chair. Initially Sonia Gandhi thought that he was meditating, but when Dr. Singh didn’t move even after half an hour, Sonia Gandhi realized that he was switched off automatically because of overheating.

An electrician working at PM’s office, on the condition of anonymity, revealed that he saw smoke coming out of Manmohan Singh’s ear, nose, and mouth.

“Sir is currently in the ICU unit of the repair workshop, but technicians say that there is nothing to worry about. The cooling fan installed in his head suddenly stopped working, that’s all,” the electrician revealed.

There has been no official explanation for what caused the cooling fan failure. But highly placed sources say that it was all because of shocking revelations by Baru in his book.

“To begin with, wires and sensors in Prime Minster’s mental circuit started heating up due to stress. So, to bring down the temperature level, cooling fan started rotating faster than its normal speed, which ultimately resulted in device failure,” disclosed a source.

As per a Congress insider, back in 2004, robotic experts had advised Congress to not use Manmohan Singh for more than 5 years. “Yes, Congress party overused him. But only because he was functioning so well for last 10 years,” said the insider.

Meanwhile, robot repair shop has advised Sonia Gandhi to keep Manmohan Singh away from Sanjay Baru’s book.

“Well, at least it proves that he is an advanced machine, and not just a rubber stamp,” Sanjay Baru explained the developments and insisted that his book was aimed at painting a better picture of Dr. Singh.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Exclusive pics of Manmohan Singh vacationing during Lok Sabha elections

The only person in India, who seems to be least bothered about ongoing elections, is the incumbent Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh.

With all his hopes now pinned upon historians, to whom he appealed for being taken kindly, Dr. Singh has now gone totally in retirement mode.

Faking News brings you some exclusive photos of Mr Singh enjoying life to the fullest, as if he was waiting to get rid of Prime Ministerial burden since ages.

Ghazals Manmohan Singh

Manmohan Singh enjoying sad ghazals. He could relate his term with the lyrics.

Manmohan Leh

Far away from the cruel world of politics, Manmohan Singh with his tanhai (solitude), completely oblivious of surroundings.

Manmohan Dil Chahata Hai

Manmohan Singh with his friends in Dil Chahta Hai’s shadow pose. He was surpirsed to see his shadow under his own control.

Manmohan Rockstar

Manmohan Singh’s moment of liberation. In this pic he is venting out his frustration of being silent for years while singing ‘Sadda haq aithe rakh‘.

Manmohan On Horse

Manmohan Singh showing his tough side. He spent a week in Mongolia.

Manmohan Lion

Probably passing a strong message to Narendra Modi by pulling tail of a Gujarati lion in Gir National Park. Singh is King.