Sunday, August 31, 2014

In Imran Khan’s Naya Pakistan, from getting job to govt formation, all will take place through protests

Islamabad. Disclosing his grand plans and vision for Naya Pakistan, PTI chief Imran Khan today unveiled his party manifesto to attract more and more people to his so called revolution to free Pakistan from Pakistan.


Addressing thousands of protesters in the capital, Imran Khan emphasized upon the importance of protests and said that protests were going to be an integral part of Naya Pakistan. “From getting a job to government formation, all will take place through protest,” he added.


pakistan

Protesters eagerly waiting for Naya Pakistan.



As per PTI’s manifesto, in Naya Pakistan, government selection process will be much easier and more transparent.


“Every political party or group will be free to protest against government. If their staged protest is strong enough and if they manage to topple existing government, that party will be allowed to rule the country,” Imran Khan explained, adding that selection by protest will free the country from evil practices like booth rigging.


Imran Khan also feels that achieving something through protest is way more satisfying and masculine than getting it by following a normal process. “After all, we Pakistanis are warriors,” Mr. Khan concluded.


If Naya Pakistan becomes reality, admission in good colleges will take place through protest exams.


“All applicants will be asked to do protest and use of little violence will be allowed too. Those who will be able to pressurize college administration will get admission offers,” told a PTI leader to Faking News. “Similar processes will be followed in job exams and other activities like buying things by protest, where you don’t have to pay money.”


Meanwhile back in India, a new separatist group has emerged in Kashmir with the slogan “Kashmir Banega Naya Pakistan“.


A protest has been called next Friday to decide what future course should Kashmir take – with India, with Purana Pakistan, with Naya Pakistan, independent nation, or part of the ISIS caliphate.



Saturday, August 30, 2014

Tired of beheading civilians, ISIS planning to behead each other to increase TRP

Iraq/Syria. After videos were released of beheading civilians and reporters which got infamous for their notoriety, the ISIS is willing to go one step ahead and behead each other to increase their TRP even more.


“We never thought we would become so infamous,” said a smiling ISIS soldier, “I heard from my friend that we are getting so many views in the Internet and TV. I wouldn’t have even seen my face in the mirror that many times in my entire life.”


Many top officials were seen ecstatic after hearing the news but disappointed that their TRP had gone down recently as they were appearing too predictable. Soon the decision was made and they had sent word to the soldiers that they can now behead each other to become more famous and increase the TRP.


Practice sessions of beheadings!

Practice sessions of beheadings!



“It’s a tough life to live without proper TRP you know,” said one of the leaders, “We try so much to kill people and still hardly people give us coverage. Now is the time to have dramatic twists.”


“I could imagine how it might go. It could be like a reality show with an elimination round,” said an excited ISIS soldier, “Except we get permanently eliminated.”


“But remember, 72 virgins!” the soldier said amidst loud cheers from fellow soldiers.


Some of the soldiers have already voluntarily signed up to get beheaded because they would not be covering their faces during the procedure and hence their fame would increase even more.


“Anyway America is going to bomb us soon so we thought why not die a little early with more fame?” an ISIS soldier later told Faking News on condition of anonymity and on threat of beheading if his name was revealed.


“The more the TRP, the more attention we get and more people would be scared of us. We don’t like to be ignored obviously and gaining attention is our number one priority ahead of anything else,” he clarified.


Hearing this news, terror organizations from Kashmir, who have been accidentally killing themselves while attempting to do the Ice Bucket Challenge have promptly opted for a better choice


“It’s difficult to do the ice bucket challenge here. Last week one of my pals did it and since it was already freezing weather here in Kashmir, he died by the time the ice got completely poured over him, so we got less TRP,” said a concerned terrorist, “Instead of trying to get famous by dying over the ice bucket challenge, at least we get to die in a hotter climate with many people cheering us. People abroad also care less about Kashmiri terrorists as compared to the Middle East ones so TRP will be high if we do it there.”


Some of the Kashmiri terrorists have brought with them various Salman Khan movie DVDs as a goodwill gesture to prepare the ISIS volunteers to generously accept beheading as a blessing in disguise after watching them.



Friday, August 29, 2014

Friday faking release: Zinda

When faking death is no longer wrong.

When faking death is no longer wrong.




Bangalore autodriver makes it to the Forbes list of millionaires

Bangalore. Mr. Muni Kariappa has been an auto driver for over 30 years and all his hard work had paid off when he was finally announced as a millionaire by Forbes today.


“I can’t believe it,” he said holding back his tears, “For so long I have been driving without bothering about signals, potholes, one ways, etc., and now I am rewarded for something so great. I never thought I could have hit the million mark already. I dedicate this great moment to all the people of Bangalore,” he continued and started abusing profusely due to work habit.


Autorickshaw

A policeman inspecting the millionaire auto to get a few lakhs as traffic violation fine



On asked how he managed to gain that much money he smiled and went on, “It’s my passion towards my customers which has helped me grow. I used to devise paths all around Bangalore. I used to have at least 4-5 routes per destination and I make sure I give the option of the longest and the second longest to make sure I get to spend a lot of time with my customers.”


“Customers are God,” he added.


Mr. Kariappa’s closest competitor, Mr. Sivam was an IT engineer who used to travel to his office every day in auto but upon realizing that the auto waalas were making more money than him, he quit his job and is now an auto driver himself.


“I make a lot of money driving to my old company. In fact, I laugh at all my ex-colleagues because now I earn more than them, get more sleep, and I get to see my family also. I even get a take-diversion hit-list from some of my colleagues so that when the specific people mentioned in the list board my auto, I make sure they reach super late to their destination,” he said in a fake American accent, which he believes helps in charging extra too.


Mr. Kariappa explained how his usual customers include foreign tourists and non Kannada speaking people from whom he gets more money.


“We are actually doing this for India,” he said sternly about taking extra money from foreigners, “We know how much these foreigners have stolen from our ancient glorious days so now we are taking revenge by charging extra in auto. We charge extra from non Kannada speaking people because we want our money back after spending it on watching Salman Khan movies.”


He also went on explaining about the glorious history of India for half an hour until interrupted by our reporter. He apologized stating that boring people with conversations was another one of his skills to extract more money as conversational charges. He also went on to explain how the rising petrol prices, crisis in Ukraine, problem with the Somalian pirates and Mars Rover’s exploration have caused them to charge extra.


After calculating some of the other auto driver’s revenue, Faking News can confirm that more millionaires would be present in the next year’s Forbes release.



Thursday, August 28, 2014

AAP claims coming back to life of Chandra Mohan Sharma a proof that God is with AAP

New Delhi. After failing to disassociate itself with the then-dead-now-alive RTI activist turned AAP member Chandra Mohan Sharma, AAP now claims that his coming back to life is a proof enough that god is with AAP and its members.


Rubbishing the reports that Chandra Mohan faked his death, party chief Arvind Kejriwal called it a ‘divine intervention that the RTI activist was among us today’.


"Bhaiyon uparwala hamaare saath hai"

“Bhaiyon uparwala hamaare saath hai”



“It is a miracle. Tell me one person who survived after being burnt to death. This proves that god/allah/bhagwan/waheguru is with us, and I appeal to Delhi voters to respect god and his wishes by voting for us whenever the elections happen,” Kejriwal argued as he warned Delhiites to ignore God’s wishes at their own peril.


Kejriwal showed Faking News this picture to show how Chandra Mohan Sharma was an active member of AAP, and how AAP’s candle march helped him being brought back to life.


When asked why did they earlier try to distance themselves from Sharma and claim he was not party’s member, Kejriwal shot back, “This is fact proves that we are not publicity hungry people. We just wanted logic to take its own course and did not in any way want undue media attention. But my conscience did not allow me to keep my fellow compatriots in dark for too long. Hence I decided to tell them the truth.”


Kejriwal further did not see anything wrong in Sharma being spotted in Nepal.


“What’s wrong in that? On the contrary we are glad that not just in India, but our selfless and dedicate members are now fighting for Swaraj and spreading core values of the party in other countries as well,” Kejriwal told our reporter.


This reporter later asked party leader Ashutosh for his comments on Chandra Mohan Sharma cheating death.


“Why are you using the term ‘cheating’? Are you Mudi agent?” Ashutosh retorted.


“Arvind Kejariwal is beautiful like Taj Mahal, and Chandra Mohan has Moon in his name. Taj Mahal needs Moon for its beauty. Ignore Mohan as India is a secular country. And RSS should be banned,” he concluded.



Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Girl asks boyfriend to buy her a Xiaomi mobile from Flipkart to prove his love

New Delhi. In an out of the box test of love and bonding, a local girl Priya Tyagi has asked his boyfriend to buy her a Xiaomi mobile from e-commerce website Flipkart.


Xiaomi mobiles, which are available only on Flipkart are infamous for getting sold out in just few seconds. While this has resulted into rumors of the website indulging in some scam or gimmick for publicity, the incident has prompted Priya to use it as a test to check strength of his boyfriend’s love for her.


Couple

“How about a real star instead of Xiaomi mobile?”



“He often claims to bring the stars and the moon for me. But, I am being very reasonable and asking only for a mobile,” argued Priya, “It’s time for him to walk the talk.”


However, sources close to Priya say that there could be another possible reason behind Priya’s over the top demand.


“A weeks back, one of her friends, Pooja, was gifted a Xiaomi mobile by her boyfriend. And Pooja kept telling Priya that considering the effort her boyfriend put to buy it, it made the mobile even more precious than the iPhone which Priya was carrying,” revealed a source, “This made Priya feel very insulted. Suddenly she started hating her much better Apple product, that too for a Chinese Apple product.”


On the other hand, no matter how seemingly impossible Priya’s demand is, her boyfriend Prem is ready to fulfill it.


“I am taking up the challenge to not win only Priya’s heart, but to win her father’s heart too,” said Prem, adding that Priya’s father was looking for a suitable boy for her who must have cleared some tough competitive exam.


“Around 2,00,000 customers had registered for the sale with only 20,000 pieces on offer. Getting this mobile is tougher than clearing IIT-JEE. While asking for Priya’s hand from her father, this feat of buying a Xiaomi will certainly compensate for my local engineering college degree,” an optimistic Prem claimed.



Inspired by Sheila Dixit, former cricketers resign from commentary to play again

Mumbai. Sheila Dikshit’s resignation from the post of Governor of Kerala seems to have inspired the recently retired lot of Indian cricketers who had a long and illustrious career. Many of those are now planning to come out of retirement.


Some of these retired cricketers, who later took up commentary like an engineer takes up MBA right after Engineering, now are nursing ambitions of donning Indian colors once again, just as Sheila Dikshit is being expected to lead Congress in upcoming Delhi assembly elections after resignation as governor.


“It is very much obvious. Why else would she resign from a post which is already an alternate resignation?” argued an ex-cricketer when told that Sheila was yet to confirm her return to Delhi Congress.


Last day as commentators?

Last day as commentators?



Currently Indian cricket is in a very pathetic condition, which makes them comparable to Congress’ Delhi unit after Sheila Dikshit’s exit. These former cricketers feel that like the former Delhi CM, they too can revive in fortunes of the Indian cricket team.


Some of them also pointed to the unceremonious exit they had to endure a`la Sheila Dikshit.


“We too had to retire under severe public and media scrutiny following some disastrous overseas tours. We were made scapegoat just like Sheila ji was made for Delhi’s poor performance in assembly elections,” explained former fast bowler Ajit Agarkar, who is all set to come back as the lead fast bowler and solve all of India’s pace bowling woes.


However, just as the news reached Indian team in England, captain MS Dhoni rubbished the report and claimed that current set of players are still very much the boss and would carry on playing till next world cup in Australia.


Dhoni further pointed out that Sheila Dixit’s example can’t be applied in Indian team because India was not Pakistan, where retirement is a joke and a cricketer can retire and come out of it as many number of times he wants.


Meanwhile tainted cricketer Sreesanth, who himself is facing charges of corruption just like Sheila Dixit, is also hoping to make a comeback like the former governor of his state Kerala.


“Sheila ji’s comeback gives me a hope that just like people seem to have overlooked her involvement in Commonwealth scam; fans would have gotten over spot fixing scandal as well,” Sree quipped.