Monday, August 31, 2015

5 things you didn’t know about Vinod Kambli

Vinod Kambli lately has been in news for everything other than his cricketing achievements. The latest controversy is also not helping his reputation in any way. But Faking News goes beyond what is reported in the media to get you ‘5 Things you didnt know about Vinod Kambli’.

1- Vinod Kambli’s autobiography was released alongside Sachin’s. It was a bestseller overseas and critically acclaimed too, but here again, media chose to focus more on Sachin, leaving Kambli to read his own autobiography.

Vinod Kamblis book

2- Vinod Kambli is a fan of Leonardo Di Caprio and has sent recording of his ‘world cup crying’ video to the Hollywood star to help him perform better. Apparently, Kambli was concerned about Leonardo not winning any Oscar and thought the actors emotions were lacking.

leo kambli

3- Kambli had requested the management at Madam Tussaud to create his wax statue but they refused. Angry and upset over  this, he bought 1000 candles from the market and made his own wax statue after melting the candles.

madame tuss kambli

4- After Sachin failed to mention Kambli in his farewell speech. Kambli too threatened not to mention Sachin in his farewell.

sachin kambli

5- Vinod Kambli has acknowledged the fact that he has a ‘friend’ who looks just like him and makes an appearance after Kambli is drunk. This friend is responsible for tweeting controversial stuff and also torturing his maid.

kambli and frnd

Couple avoided hospitalization cost as they were discharged from ambulance itself which was stuck in jam for hours

Bangalore: Over the last weekend, Bangalore based couple Mr. and Mrs. Manjunath became proud parents. Their new born princess received close to three hundred likes in less than two days. On top of it they were happy to see most of their friends avoided unnecessary comments on FB and stuck to standard comments like ‘cutie’ and ‘how cute’.

No space even for an ambulance?

No space even for an ambulance?

If we rewind back by few days, it was not at all fun for the couple.

Due to sudden job change Manjunath was forced to relocate to Whitefield area, very close to his new office. This helped Manjunath take better care of his family by avoiding long commute.

From the beginning Manjunath was nervous about how he will reach the doctor’s place which was now 40 kilometers from his new residence. Due to the notorious Bangalore traffic and sometimes depending on luck, it can take anywhere between 3 to 6 hours to cover that much distance on a working day.

Unfortunately Mrs. Manjunath got labour pains when traffic jam at Silk board junction was at its peak. Their only hope was ambulance will help them to reach as soon as possible.

Looking at the way people behaved on the way, couple had a terrible time as no one was ready to leave an inch of the road.

Manjunath explained the scenario as it unfolded on that day. He said, “Ambulance siren was of no use as on an average the sound pollution in Marathahalli and Silk board area are among the highest in Bangalore. I can see people were angry as they were stuck for hours as some minister visited that area on that day to inaugurate a new toilet for some school. Bikers were doing their customary zigzag movement and were closing the gap between vehicles.”

Manjunath added, “Sometimes I felt may be hiring an auto would have helped me as auto drivers know roads which neither google maps nor old Bangaloreans are aware off. They can also create new routes by following their own traffic rules. The pain for my wife was increasing, she was stable thanks to the junior doctor and nurses who were taking care of her. As it was a normal delivery, my princess was born somewhere between Marathahalli Bridge and HSR layout. Thanks to the long traffic jam at silk board, both mother and baby were doing well. People were also helpful; they were not allowing the ambulance to move an inch ahead of them.”

“Our gynecologist was constantly in touch with her junior doctor and as everything was normal, after 7 PM she directed the doctor to discharge us from the ambulance itself and we took a cab to reach home. Though I saved some money as part of standard hospitalization cost, one thought struck my mind. What happens if someone suffers a major accident or a heart attack during peak hour, will people behave differently? Hope they understand one can plan for anything, but health emergencies or accidents cannot be planned, it can strike anyone anytime,” Manjunath concluded.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Sunday Magazine: 30th August 2015

This weeks Sunday Magazine focuses on 25 Riot entrepreneurs under 25 of 2015 and taking centre stage is someone who people say could be the next Arvind Kejriwal. It is the young and promising Hardik Patel. Also, reservation fever spreads to social media as hashtags fight it out on twitter demanding reservation for themselves. We also seek to find out what is ailing the Pak terror factory. Our report on the substandard quality of terrorists sent by Pakistan to India.

Sunday Magazine: 30th August 2015

Sunday Magazine: 30th August 2015

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Arvind Kejriwal to visit America to help Donald Trump win the presidential elections

New Delhi: In a press conference held by the Aam Aadmi Party, their spokesperson Raghav Chadha announced that in the coming week Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal will be visiting America to campaign for the billionaire candidate Donald Trump.

Donald Trump mocking sceptics after Kejriwal lends support

Donald Trump mocking skeptics after Kejriwal lends support

Apparently, Donald Trump is very much inspired by Kejriwal’s story. According to reliable sources, he is still running for the President just because he thinks that if Arvind Kejriwal can pull off a massive victory in Delhi then anyone can do anything.

According to Raghav, Donald Trump is dying to meet the most honest person ever born in the history of mankind and wants Kejriwal to help him win the presidential elections.

“Donald wants to use Arvind Kejriwal’s cleaner than a whistle image so that he could first prove to the US citizens that he is serious about this President thingy. Donald Trump is surely not having a good time right now after the public outcry against his incendiary comments on women and minorities. But, we are pretty sure that the US public will start loving him as soon as Kejriwal starts campaigning for him,” Raghav said.

When asked why Donald Trump, Raghav said, “Well, he is handsome, hair well-combed all the time, and has a lot of money. That’s inspiring enough for us to go help the poor guy win the elections.”

“Look, he is already creating jobs in the US by paying youth to cheer for him in his rallies. Also, we have managed to fulfil almost everything except what we were supposed to or what we promised before elections in Delhi. This is also a part of the chain of such events,” Raghav concluded.

Meanwhile, Arvind Kejriwal refused to comment on this but he did managed to say, “Watched Piku, must watch, and I am pretty sure that the  Government is the reason behind Amitabh Bachchan’s constipation.”

Himesh Reshammiya demands 75% reservation for Other Benaam Celebrity, threatens to sing loudly in public

Mumbai: On the second day of his three-day fast at Gateway of India, the leader of Other Benaam Celebrity (OBC) Himesh Reshammiya has reaffirmed his demand for 75% reservation in all bollywood movies on annual basis. He alleged, “Roles are being offered solely on the basis of contact and looks, leaving us nothing.”

Himesh Reshammiya spearheading he cause of Benaam celebrities

Himesh Reshammiya spearheading he cause of Benaam celebrities

He has threatened to sing loudly in public, if his demands are not accepted by the end of this three-day fast. Experts are considering this threat more severe than Hardik Patel’s agitation and anticipated sleepless nights and unproductive days.

People from OBC community are rushing at the protest site, actor Bobby Deol and Uday Chopra joined hands with Himesh this morning.

A member of Deol family on condition of anonymity said, “Ashmit Patel and Ameesha Patel have already lent their support to this noble cause but were unable to join as they were busy protesting with Hardik Patel in Gujrat.” He further added that Himesh and Hardik are planning for an unified-protest.

Speaking to a Faking News correspondent, Himesh expressed his supplementary demands, “In addition to the reservation, we want a strong ‘Movie Acquisition Law’ to prohibit Raees and Bhai log from grabbing our rightful movies, ‘Pradhanmantri Movie Suraksha Beema Yojna’ to assure that flop movies have no financial implication.

Encountering the awakening protest of Hardik Patel, nation is now demanding ‘Right to earn if one can gather crowd’ as the new fundamental right.

Cows of Mumbai are now demanding 50% reservation on footpaths and  barricades on footpaths to protect themselves from the Pawan Yaan of Bajrangi Bhaijaan.

Ending speculations of Abhishek joining the protest, Amitabh Bachchan tweeted, “All is well!”

Narendra Modi has refused to tweet on the demands of Hardik, Himesh and cows of Mumbai.

Meanwhile, PMO India has tweeted, “Kis Kis Ko Pyaar Karu!” and Kejriwal has left his enemies awestruck by the tweet, “Make (Movies) in Delhi, we will give huge subsidies on production cost. All movies would be tax-free. We are  opening an Aam Aadmi Filmcity to ease entry of an Aam Aadmi in mainstream bollywood.”

With ban imposed on mobile internet, boy in Gujarat discoveres he also has a brother

Gujarat: When under the dimlight of stars and under the shade of moon it seemed that “Patel Andolan” is not favouring the Patels, one Patel boy in Gujarat said, “This andolan has proved fruitful to me. I found that I also have a small brother of me who lives in my house only and often comes to my room.”

More and more people are discovering their loved ones after mobile internet ban in Gujarat

More and more people are discovering their loved ones after mobile internet ban in Gujarat

The whole of the media shifted its gears from Sheena Bora case to this one as this had more ingredients of a serial than Sheena Bora’s case. As the news spread far and wide, Gujarat CM Anandiben Patel set up an committee to further investigate the case so that people totally forget about the reservation issue and focus on this.

After investigations, the committee found that this was due to the ban imposed on mobile internet connections for ever since the troubles began in the state due to Patel reservation movement.

During these internet-less days, after 8 years, Keedadas Patel (real name Jignesh) came out of his room to discover his house and suddenly found a small boy playing. He was surprised to know that he also has a small brother. He exclaimed, “I have a brother!!!”

His mother said, “This step by Gujarat Govt to ban the net connections proved to be happy realization for our family. My elder son came out of Facebook and WhatsApp to have a look at our face and to ask us whatsup. Also he talked to me and his father.”

“Our son can talk!!!” This occasion is not less than festival for me,” Jignesh’s father said excitedly to this Faking News reporter.

The news soon reached Delhi. “Jignesh ke Achche din aa gaye. We are helping the families unite.” tweeted the Prime Minister.

Rahul Gandhi in no time tweeted back, “Nobody can teach Indians the importance of family that our Nehru-Gandhi family. Modiji is taking credit for things he has not deon.”

Amid all this politics, Keedadas has become a bigger youth icon than Hardik Patel. One group has suggested his name for bravery award as according to them Keedadas showed his bravery to come out of WhatsApp and Facebook for continuous 2 days.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Friday Faking Release: Raees (*ing Hardik Patel)

He brought Gujarat to a standstill with his protests, demanding reservation for Patels. It’s not an ordinary feat to shake up the administration. It requires a shrewd mind and tons of daring. No one else could have played this character better than Hardik Patel. Presenting this weeks Friday Faking Release: Raees starring Hardik Patel in lead role.

raees hardik patel

Man becomes an expert salsa dancer after years of navigating Mumbai traffic

Mumbai: While most people may complain about the traffic in Mumbai, one person at least is happy and credits the traffic in the city for making him an expert in salsa.

Want to learn Salsa? try Mumbai traffic

Want to learn Salsa? try Mumbai traffic

Rakesh Sinha, who works for an FMCG company based in Mumbai spoke to FN reporter on how the Mumbai traffic transformed a man with two left feet, into a dancing expert.

He said, “I came to Mumbai 5 years back and joined an FMCG company as a salesman. My job required me to travel to different parts of the city and most of my travelling was on foot. I remember how scared I was during my initial days when I had to cross the road. I used to wait for the signal to turn red and cars to stop. But the slow moving traffic just wouldn’t  let me cross the road.”

“I observed how people jumped in front of vehicles and navigated their way. Its not just the cars, people have to navigate potholes, cows and bikers who squeeze through narrow gaps. All this has to be done simultaneously. I realized I was good at this and soon my moves got better,” he added.

Rakesh also remembers how girls who wouldn’t even look at him previously, now fall all over him after watching his dancing skills. “I don’t think I have to tell you that women have a thing for guys who can dance. I find it irresistibly attractive,” said a lady standing next to Rakesh.

His colleagues at work too prefer calling him ‘salsaman’ than ‘salesman’.

Inspired by his own success, Rakesh is planning to take his dancing skills further. He has already quit his company and is planning to start his own ‘Salsa class’.

“Yes, the classes will start pretty soon. They will not be held in closed rooms.  I will teach my students the same way I learnt it, by navigating mumbai traffic,” said Rakesh.

When asked about permission from traffic authorities he said, “I wouldn’t really worry about them. There wont be any issues as long as they get their cut. I am also planning to dig more potholes and involve more cows as my students progress from intermediate to expert level.”

Seems like nothing will dampen the spirit of this ‘salsaman’, not even the fact that just like twitter, most men join salsa class looking to get hooked to women.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Find solution for call drops soon because everyone cannot afford to go abroad for taking important calls: PMO

New Delhi: Recently PM Modi wanted to review party’s preparation for upcoming Bihar assembly polls. As this was planned with a short notice, PMO secretary had to work overtime to reach everyone as most of the calls were not either getting connected or before the message could be conveyed, calls were getting dropped.

PM Modi indicating how call drop are becoming a headache for everyone

PM Modi indicating how call drops are becoming a headache for everyone

Thanks to relatively better and more reliable data network, PMO secretary used WhatsApp to reach some of the techno savvy ministers and for some whose mobile is turned off round the clock, he had to go to television studios to spot them and convey the message.

During his meeting with PM, PMO Secretary highlighted how call drops have become a serious threat for this government apart from Hardik Patel and onion price hike.

On the state of data services PMO Secretary said, “Our data network is still quite reliable as right now many cannot afford it. As per our research, we do not anticipate there would be much problem in next 5 years for data services like uploading selfies, posting tweets or comments on social networking sites.”

When PM expressed his surprise how come he has not experienced any such problem personally? PMO officials politely conveyed, “Sir, as you are travelling a lot, you have not got enough opportunity to use India’s telecom network. Another point is most of us in PMO use BSNL network which is not used by many in metropolis like New Delhi. People are afraid to use BSNL as it takes lot of effort to get the sim-card and after that if any problem comes, there is no one to help them. As call density is too low, limited number of people are left with BSNL sim cards, so we do not see that many call drops.”

Without wasting a minute, PM called heads of the telecom companies and told them to do whatever is needed. During the meeting, few suggestions came to discourage people using only mobile calls.

Also, some suggested that government should help entrepreneurs to re-open the STD booths, give subsidy to lower cost of landline calls, keep post offices open round the clock, restart telegram service, and basically do whatever is needed to counter this serious threat.

Telecom companies also were of the opinion that it will be better to prioritize the calls where call drops can have devastating impact and they have to brainstorm to come up with a mechanism to identify such calls.

After initial round of discussion some of the calls which were proposed to be upgraded to priority call level were, husband calling his wife during grocery shopping or wife calling husband to update on the neighborhood happenings. Any call between boyfriend and girlfriend will always remain under priority calls category.

During all these discussion one of the senior executive sitting there was busy attending his first round of job interview through Facebook chat. After he cleared the first round, the US based MNC wanted a tele-conference as part of second round interview to take it forward.

Afraid of call drops, the executive booked one evening flight ticket to Kathmandu so that he can attend the call peacefully without any anxiety next day.

Hardik Patel fails to get reservation on IRCTC, followers burn laptops, chew LAN cables

Ahmedabad: Leader and visionary of reservation-loving youth Hardik Patel in a press conference has lashed out at Indian Railways for not letting him get a reservation through IRCTC website.

Hardik Patel gives 1 day ultimatum to IRCTC for his ticket reservation.

Hardik Patel gives 1 day ultimatum to IRCTC for his ticket reservation.

“Even after trying for 3 hours at a stretch I was not able to book 3 berths in 3rd AC. I was so fedup that I threw the laptop in the flames of the bus which our brothers had just burnt,” Hardik fumed in anger and told reporters. He further told reporters that he had to then book 3 business class airline tickets using his iPhone 6 using his platinum credit card.

After sipping his Diet-Pepsi he further threatened, “If IRCTC does not let me book tickets, I will ask my millionaire NRI Patel brothers to not invest in coal mines in India anymore. No investment, no workers, no coal, no rails. Further we will not even supply a single drop of milk to railways. Good luck to railway passengers with no cups of semi-cold tea-coffee during those long rail journeys.”

Hardik’s followers were apparently so outraged at his not getting a reservation at IRCTC website that they took out their anger on anything remotely related to websites and internet. They ended up ravaging 2 cyber-cafes, 3 laptop showrooms and 5 computer accessories shops where they burned numerous laptops, crushed hard-disks and even chewed LAN cables. No arrests however have been made in this case as yet.

However the repercussions of this incident were felt throughout the country. A lot of secular liberal political leaders have come in Hardik’s support after this incident. They have condemned IRCTC for depriving a poor minority of his rights to commute at reasonable prices and forcing him to travel business class.

Meanwhile, AAP leader Arvind Kejriwal has sent his party worker to Gujarat to have talks with Hardik Patel and check if providing WiFi to Gujarat will solve the problem.

1000 supporters of Asaram Bapu to undergo nose surgery, demand parole for Bapuji

Rajasthan: Around 1000 supporters of beleaguered godman Asaram Bapu are planning to undergo a mass nose surgery and subsequently demand parole for bapuji.

Asaram Bapu checking if his nose too requires a surgery

Asaram Bapu checking if his nose too requires a surgery

Apparently, supporters decided to undergo mass surgery after Sanjay Dutt got parole to attend to his daughter who is set to undergo nose surgery later this month.

Speaking to Faking News a supporter of Asaram Bapu said, “Sanjay Dutt gets parole on request while an innocent saint like Bapuji is held captive and tortured. So we are planning to undergo a mass nose surgery and demand release of Bapuji. If Sanjay Dutt can get parole for 30 days for daughter’s surgery then we are also sons and daughters of Bapuji, he should get parole for 30,000 days. Bapuji is like a father figure to us in fact he is more than that. We may have fights and disagreements with our father but we never disagree with Bapuji.”

Some supporters have already put in an application for parole of 30,000 days in a bid to get the godman out of the confines of Rajasthan jail. Jail authorities, fed up the antics of the followers have now stopped paying heed to any request.

“They are trying all they can. When the Salman Khan case was in news and he managed to evade jail, these followers dressed up Asaram Bapu like Salman Khan. They made him wear Being Human T-shirt hoping that charges against bapuji will be dropped and he can walk free.”

The authorities may not pay heed, but supporters are refusing to relent. As usual they latched on to twitter to garner support for bapuji. Hasthtags like ‘WhyNoParoleForBapuji’ was already trending. Supporters were also planning to upload before and after selfies of their nose surgery.

Meanwhile, Subramaniam Swami, legal counsel for Asaram Bapu, has also agreed to be part of the mass surgery. But supporters are not very upbeat about his involvement.

“He was supposed to plead for Bapuji’s bail in court but didn’t turn up for the court proceedings on four consecutive occasions. We feel he may not turn up here too,” said a supporter.

Pakistan cancels next three NSA level talks with India which are not even scheduled

Islamabad, Pakistan: A proactive Pakistan has cancelled the next three NSA level talks with India.  After taking due permission from ISI to make the announcement, Pakistan’s NSA Mr. Sartaj Aziz himself announced this today in a press conference.

Mr. Aziz flummoxed by a scribe’s question during the press conference.

Mr. Aziz flummoxed by a scribe’s question during the press conference.

As usual with any media interaction on subject involving India, the press conference was crowded, with Mr. Aziz himself being the lone government representative, a dozen or so from the ISI and rest being representatives from all the 48 registered terrorist organizations and guerrilla armies, altogether making a bunch of about sixty people. Of course, there were three people from the media too.

The initial announcement was of cancellation of the next two NSA level talks with India, but the ISI representative in the meeting asked Mr. Aziz midway, to change it to three and hence the cancellation of next three meets.

One of the three journalists present, who had never seen India and therefore very much wanted to travel to India to cover any NSA level talks, was disappointed. He asked, “Sir, the talks haven’t even been scheduled. So why are you cancelling them? What is the reason?”

A beaming Mr. Aziz explained, “Good question. We are a proactive government.” When some others on his side of the table cast glances at him, he continued, “I mean we are a proactive country. Unlike India,” and then, referring to a piece of paper in his hand, said, “We actually do not want to cancel the talks. We want peace with India, but on our conditions. If Indians allow me to take this whole contingent with me for the talks, we will not cancel the next NSA meet. If they allow these friends of mine to carry arms with them, we will definitely have the second one too.”

“What about the third?” asked one inquisitive journalist. As cancellation of the third meet was added to the agenda later on, Mr. Aziz was not prepared to answer this question. He looked at the ISI chief seated next to him, who whispered something in Mr. Aziz’s ears and then he replied, “If the uncooperative Indians do not allow our peace loving patriots to stage terrorist attacks on their soil, we will cancel the third meet. The decision is left to the India. The ball is in their court.”

The press conference then ended with Mr. Aziz getting thrown out by the others. Mr. Aziz exited, himself happy that the mission was accomplished, that of keeping the rest of the establishment happy.

Arvind Kejriwal’s covert operation to unearth corruption of Lalu and Nitish, by appearing to be their ally

New Delhi/Patna: Delhi CM and AAP supremo Arvind Kejriwal lent his support to Nitish Kumar and Lalu Prasad Yadav for the upcoming Bihar elections. While this is seen as a move to defeat BJP in Bihar, many anti-corruption crusaders who supported Kejriwal were disappointed by his move.

Kejriwal to Nitish, "You take this chair now, I will take your chair later".

Kejriwal to Nitish, “You take this chair now, I will take your chair later.”

Our Investigation team seeks to expose the covert operation of Arvind Kejriwal in nabbing the famous corrupt Lalu and his new dost Nitish Kumar.

First, our investigation team tried to contact several important heads in AAP to find out the reason behind Kejriwal’s sudden friendship with Nitish-Lalu.

“Initially, I could not believe that our Kejriwalji was going to team up with Nitish-Lalu. We were anxious over how to take forward our anti-corruption movement. But, one of our members from the top brass who is in direct touch with Kejriwal cleared all our doubts. Kejriwal is on a secret operation to nab the duo. He will try and move closer to them and will win their confidence. And finally, he will go to the depth of the corruption and bring out the corrupt. Our Kejriwalji is more like Radhe of Wanted. He acted like a ruffian to bring the evil ruffians to jail, our leader will act as an ally of corrupt to send the corrupt behind bars,” said one leader from Delhi unit, on conditions of anonymity.

After gathering this explosive info, we then confirmed this with several other state unit leaders of AAP. Bihar unit leaders also sounded affirmative on this info.

One top leader of Bihar unit said, “This is a covert operation. I hope that you don’t publish this. First, Arvind will try to find out important contacts in the Nitish-Lalu duo’s camp. Then, he will track down the list of politicians and their benamis. Finally, all the routes of corrupt money will be traced and a big dossier will be prepared.”

“But we have planned to stay mum on the whole covert ops till the announcement of Bihar election results. By then, Kejriwalji would have defeated BJP in the elections. After the win, Kejriwal will expose the corruption history of Nitish and Lalu. Then, they will be sent to jail and Kejriwal will be coronated as CM of Bihar. He will be functioning as CM of both Bihar and Delhi. If Bihar governor tries to intervene Kejriwal, then he must be mostly a Modi agent, like LG Najeeb,” concluded the Bihar AAP leader.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Man falls from 3rd floor while trying to explain his 10 yr old son about stock market crash, media calls it suicide

Mumbai: In a freak incident, Rajan Verma, a software engineer who was trying to explain the stock market crash to his 10 year old son, fell from his 3rd floor flat here in Mumbai.

New reporter trying her best to report the truth

New reporter trying her best to report the truth

Speaking to Faking News while recuperating at a local hospital he said, “For the past few days, the stock market crash has been flashing across all news channels. My son Rohan, just like kids his age was inquisitive about the stock market. The only way I could explain a crash to a 10 year old was by showing him a falling object. I got too close to the window and lost my balance.”

Fortunately Mr. Verma suffered only a few bruises and a fractured leg and is expected to recover in a few weeks. However, what appeared like an accident was quickly twisted by the media as suicide. News channels were already carrying reports that Mr. Verma had attempted suicide owing to losses in the stock market.

Mr. Verma said, “I don’t know from where they got to know about my fall. It’s like they were hiding in the bush and waiting for me to fall. The moment I regained my composure after the fall, a news reporter shoved the mike in my face and asked me ‘aapko kaisa lag raha hai, kya aap zinda hai’. Before I could say anything, she was already looking into the camera and saying ‘dekha aapne, ek aur suicide. Kya sarkaar iska jawab degi’. I tried to reason but they just wouldn’t listen.”

“By evening there was a swarm of media persons outside my house all waiting to get my interview. Some were visibly disappointed that I was still alive after the fall. Others requested if I could play dead or pretend I was in coma. I am sure they are still waiting outside my house. I have requested the doctors to let me stay at the hospital for a few more days,” he concluded.

Call drop will not affect your chances of taking a selfie: Telecom Company to Modi

New Delhi: After PM Modi expressed serious concern about the issue of call drop, Telecom major Infitel has replied back saying that PM can still take selfies without network.

Selfie time again

Selfie time again

Speaking to Faking News, a spokesperson from the company said, “PM Modi is unnecessarily worried about call drops. As far as we know, PM has uses his smartphone only for taking selfies. We don’t know why it has to be escalated. Even without any network Modiji can take pics.”

“Good network requires good infrastructure. Why doesn’t the PM announce package for us too like he does for his electorate?” he questioned.

Apparently, telecom companies are not taking this lightly. Top management of all the major telecom companies are planning to take selfies standing next to mobile towers and send it to PMO to bring up the issue of poor infrastructure.

Telecom minister Ravi Shankar Prasad was not available for comment; however BJP President Amit Shah shared his thoughts on this issue.

“Let them protest we don’t care. Telecom companies are doing this because we didn’t support them on net neutrality. Support dena aur nahi dena toh politics me laga rehta hai,” said Amit Shah while running on his treadmill, still incensed by Lalu Yadav’s comment about his weight.

Impressed with Times Now’s quick verdict on Jasleen Kaur’s case, Supreme Court hands over all pending case to Arnab for fast track

New Delhi. In their bid to solve all the pending cases piling up with them for years now, Supreme Court has decided to hand those cases over to Times Now for fast track justice.

“For many years now we have struggled to fast track cases of importance and are often told that justice delayed is justice denied, so we thought why not give those pending cases to much more competent organization to solve,” explained a source from SC.

SC was reportedly impressed with how quickly Times Now declared Jasleen Kaur a braveheart victim and Sarvajeet Singh as pervert accused.

Super-judge Arnab reading out verdicts.

Super-judge Arnab reading out verdicts.

“They were pretty darn fast. Unlike us, who like to evaluate all possibly available forms of evidence, these guys just need a social media post to declare verdicts,” the source pointed.

“And these guys don’t just announce verdicts but stick to it no matter what. They don’t give a damn if the person they have declared guilty turns out to be innocent. That’s the beauty of it. While we have the provision for re-appeals and stuff, which further delays the judgment/punishment, this attitude of theirs is what is needed to fast track cases,” said a SC judge, who claims to be disciple of Justice Katju. “Their chief judge Arnab just doesn’t like to accept the fact that he was wrong and fooled and that is what helps.”

The SC judge further pointed to old cases of Rohtak Sisters and Misbah Quadri, solved within minutes by Times Now (both of which later turned out to be lies) to strengthen these claims.

“With Arnab and Co whether the justice is right or not takes the backseat. They are consistently focused on giving quick justice,” he said.

Supreme Court is further confident that these judgments, whether they are fair or not, will get thumbs up from large section of the society, on social media, from feminists and even Aam Aadmi Party.

“We are sure the love currently lost between some section of AAP and Times Now will also be back,” he added.