Faking News - leading news satire website of India: February 2016

Monday, February 29, 2016

Bangalore start-up receives 50K resumes after it promises excellent “traffic-life balance” in Job Ad

Bangalore: A Bangalore based IT start-up called Easy Life Corporation has reportedly promised candidates a perfect “traffic-life balance” if they decide to join their company.

Cab drivers of Easy Life Corporation

This promise has seen their inbox flooded with job applications and in fact, the company server crashed after receiving 50,000 resumes within an hour of the job advertisement going live.

Traffic is the biggest problem facing people in Bangalore. More than Dal price or Petrol excise, Intolerance or ISIS, it is the traffic that occupies people’s mind all the time and an offer of perfect traffic-life balance attracted great interest from everyone.

Speaking to Faking News, spokesperson of the company Mr. Zooming Gupta said, “Easy Life Corp. is not just like any other start up. We realize the importance of having a healthy traffic-life balance. Therefore, we are going to set up hundreds of small small offices across Bangalore instead of having one big campus. Employees can report to any office near their home and start working. If too many people report to a single office and there is no space, employees can go back home and sit on the bench at their home.”

“For people who don’t live anywhere close to any of our offices, we have a cab system as well. Our cabs are not like the ones offered by competitors like TeaSeaEs and Infrasys which get stuck in traffic. All our drivers are experts in driving a car on 2 wheels. This way, they can negotiate even the worst of jams and pass through tiny gaps like motorcycles. They can even use pavements like motorcycles for driving with this skill”, Mr Gupta added.

When we asked Mr Gupta who will fund these 100s of offices that they plan on opening, Mr Gupta said, “We are a startup boss. Startup India, Standup India. Have you seen the kind of startups getting funded these days? Someone will stand up and fund this also.”

Unable to beat India in Cricket, Pakistan to use Non-State cricketers to beat India

Lahore: After using non-state actors for years against India in the battlefield, Pakistan is all set to utilize non-state actors in another area, Cricket.

Highly placed source have revealed to Faking News that after repeatedly losing to India on the cricket field, Pakistan is planning to send a team of Non-State cricketers in an attempt to try and beat India.

Mascot of Operation Mauka Mauka

In a first of its kind Joint Operation code named Operation Mauka Mauka, ISI, PCB, Pakistan Army and official Pakistan Government have all come together to launch this surprise attack on Indian team with non-state cricketers in an attempt to clinch an elusive win.

“Well, this Non-State actors policy has served us well in Kashmir, Punjab and Mumbai. Ever since we lost the direct conflicts with India, we used this policy and it has ensured that Pakistan Army is no longer embarrassed by the Indians. Now we bring the same funda to cricket”, a PCB spokesperson told Faking News on the condition of anonymity.

When we asked how it will work, the PCB spokesperson said, “We are recruiting a group of young motivated cricketers. They will be trained in a secret location by the best coaches that money can buy. Along with that Hafiz Saeed will be brainwashing them into believing that India is the only enemy. Once these boys are ready, they will challenge India to an impromptu match. If India decline, they are cowards. If India lose, these boys will be honored as Pakistanis else we disown them as Non-State actors. The same policy that we followed for our soldiers in Kargil.”

An inside source at ISI has supported the story and confirmed that they are currently on the lookout for 11 such fidayeen cricketers who are willing to sacrifice the chance of an international career to take revenge from India for the number of losses since the turn of the century.

Meanwhile, Shahid Afridi has denied the offer to captain this team since he believes he still has a long international career ahead of him.

As Leonardo DiCaprio wins an Oscar, two men await their turn…

The seemingly endless wait for an Oscar has finally come to an end for Leonardo DiCaprio, however two men are still waiting…

still in the waiting room…

With an eye on TRPs, Govt of India will rope in Chris Rock to read the 2017 Union Budget

New Delhi: At some point during Union Finance Minister Arun Jaitley’s reading of his Budget Speech on Monday, an announcement was made via the government’s Press Information Bureau platform. In what could be the biggest break from tradition by the Narendra Modi government yet, the communiqué was as concise in its word count as it was groundbreaking in its innovation.

Chris Rock’s jokes are expected to soften the blows of tax hikes

In a release titled ‘Government of India announces reform in presentation of Union Budget 2017 onwards’, it was announced that “The Union Finance Minister shall no longer be presenting the Union Budge from 2017 onward. With a view to generating more interest (Read as boosting TRPS – Ed) and killing the monotony, the Ministry of Finance will be enlisting the services of a guest presenter. In 2017, the guest presenter shall be Shri Chris Rock“.

After numerous attempts Faking News finally managed to get in touch with Rock, who was at the Oscars after-party. Over the din of the festivities, he managed to tell us that he was ‘deeply touched’ and ‘excited’ about the development.

“Yeah, I’ve hosted all kinds of stuff before. I was just waiting for the Government of India to aks (sic) me to host the Budget,” he said and added, “I think the first thing all the people of India need to know is that you don’t pay taxes – they take taxes.”

When reminded that the Budget speech is a solemn and serious occasion, Rock fired back, “You sayin’ a black man can’t deliver a serious speech? Y’all ever heard of Dr King? Or Malcolm X? They were black men who gave serious speeches while their lives were in danger and they were excellent! We’re not all Kevin Hart, you know?”

This correspondent pointed out that Rock wasn’t the typical African-American — most of whom are not film actors who earn big paychecks. This year’s Academy Award host was in no mood to be deterred: “Hey, I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot!” he shot back (pun unintended).

After firing a final salvo of how the government would be paying Ben Affleck or Matt Damon a lot more for delivering the Budget speech, Rock returned to the after-party.

When Faking News contacted the Ministry of Finance, no one was available to offer a comment. However, sources in the ministry said that the entire office was watching Head of State as part of a Chris Rock movie marathon.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Annual budget for various celebrities revealed

While Arun Jaitley presented the annual budget for 1.3 Billion Indians in the Parliament, Faking News thought that we should provide you details of the individual budgets for various celebrities in India.

1. Sunny Leone

2. Alok Nath

3. Salman Khan

4. Narendra Modi

5. Arvind Kejriwal

6. Rahul Gandhi

7. Baba Ram Rahim Singh ji Insaan

8. Navjot Singh Sidhu

Jaitley all set to announce Rs. 30,000 Crore package for celebrating cricket victories against Pakistan

New Delhi: Finance minister Arun Jaitley is all set to announce a whopping Rs. 30000 Crore special package for celebrating victories against arch-rivals Pakistan in Cricket.

Arun Jaitley trying to conjure up money for Cricket celebrations

Cricket is the most popular game in India and Pakistan and any victory over Pakistan is celebrated more enthusiastically than any other festival in the country. Taking note of this, Arun Jaitley has decided to support these celebrations.

As per sources, this is the latest move by the government to push more nationalist feeling among general population as victories over arch rivals Pakistan are a source of great pride for Indians.

Speaking to Faking News, Jaitley said, “It is high time we invest some of country’s wealth in channelizing the minds of misguided youth and ignite the right kind of passion for betterment of the nation. To start off with, a special package of Rs. 30,000 Crores will be declared to celebrate India’s victories against Pakistan. Youngsters indulging in Anti-Nationalist activities will be provided this money and asked to celebrate Indian victories.”

“Cracker allowance will be non-taxable subject to proof submission. One can even declare 1 champagne bottle per month under victory allowance”, said Arun Jaitley as he refused to leak the information on other items falling under victory allowances.

When we asked Mr Jaitley how he will fund this allowance, he smiled and replied,”I haven’t run out of things to raise excise on, have I? Oil is also still low so maybe I will start with that again.”

As per our sources, pub and restaurant owners have asked the government for insurance for property damage that might occur if India loses to Pakistan. The loss through broken TV screens and beer mugs sometimes runs into Crores if it is a particularly crucial match.

Meanwhile, JNU students have accused the government of trying to buy their loyalty and have told Mr Jaitley that they will refuse this allowance. However, they refused to give up their stipend or subsidized accommodation in protest.

Airlift sequel to show Akshay Kumar rescuing JNU students who don’t care about current controversy

Mumbai: In exclusive details accessed by Faking News, work has started on a sequel to Airlift where Ranjit Katyal will rescue those students who are sick and tired of the current controversy inside their campus.

Airlift 2- JNU se….. Azadi

Jawahar Lal University in Delhi is long associated with politics and political activism. While controversies aren’t anything new to JNU, latest controversy has lasted longer than the attention span of many students who can’t pretend to care about it anymore. Under pressure from left and right winged student organizations, they are awaiting a rescue to a place where they don’t have to fake interest in Kanhaiya or Omar or sedition laws.

One of the producers of Airlift 2, speaking to Faking News said, “Well Airlift was based on a real life rescue mission so obviously the sequel will have to be something similar. Last time, many people accused us of editing the real story so this time we decided to conduct the rescue mission ourselves and shoot it as we go along. Students who don’t care about the JNU controversy are stuck inside the campus and this is a perfect rescue mission for us.”

As per experts, rescue mission this time will be incredibly tough for Ranjit Katyal as he will have to evade not only the Delhi Police and JNU staff but also multiple organizations inside JNU like AISA, DSU, SFI, ABVP, NSUI, IDGAF, FOSLA, TDH, HAHK, DDLJ, KKHH etc.

Akshay Kumar aka Ranjit Katyal is currently undergoing training at FBI Academy in Quantico so that he can go inside JNU and evacuate those students despite the presence of all these organizations.

When we spoke to one of the students awaiting a rescue, he said,” Boss my brain has become totally fried omelet. I just don’t care now and want to go to a place where I don’t have to hear about this controversy. I am even contemplating passing out this year after spending 15 years at JNU, just to get away from it all.”

Meanwhile, media organizations have hit out against these students who are no longer watching 24X7 coverage of JNU controversy and called them Anti-Nationals.

*inspired from this article on My Faking News

Engineering student comes to the rescue, shows Delhi residents how to survive with limited food and water

New Delhi: An engineering student from a local college has turned into a beacon of hope overnight for thousands of residents of Delhi, who had to brave the weekend with limited water and food.

Water shortage? Let an engineer show you how to deal with it

Water shortage? Allow an engineer to show you how to deal with it

Gaurav Khurana, a third year student Mechanical engineering student of Banwarilal College of Engineering, has been travelling across Delhi armed with his experience of living in college hostel.

Speaking to Faking News from his hostel room Gaurav said, “I have been reading about the problems faced by the people and I couldn’t stop myself from letting out a laugh. The media is reporting the situation as a ‘water crisis’. I mean we deal with such situation on a daily basis. I saw housewives complaining that they got water for only an hour in the morning, which they said was insufficient for household activities. Let me tell you, we manage our ‘morning rituals’ with just half a glass of water.

“The daal in hostel mess has more water than what we get for our daily activities. And the ‘extensive menu’ and ‘tasty meal’ ensures that we have food just once a day. I am sure that my experience can definitely help the residents of Delhi do more with less,” he said, pointing towards the calendar and showing our reporter the days in the month when he did not have a bath.

Gaurav’s video on ‘5 daily activites you can manage with a glass of water’ has already gone viral on social media, with several other engineering students too pitching in with their ‘jugaad’.

Our reporter also spoke to residents in Paschim Vihar, who said that they were greatly benefited with the video. “I must say, earlier it was difficult to manage the day, but now I actually manage to save a lot of water. Now I know why engineers are important to the nation. mere dono bacho ko engineers hi banaungi,” said a housewife.

Meanwhile, Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal has extended his full support to Gaurav apart from inviting him to join the party. The media department of AAP has also started shooting a 5 min public service campaign to educate people people. “We are on the job. We understand the pain of the people. By tomorrow you will see an ad in all major newspapers educating people about how to deal with water shortage,” said a senior AAP leader.

Fed up Delhi youth start a protest against protests

New Delhi: Fed up of daily protests in their city, a group of Delhi youngsters has decided to start a protest against all the protests.

protest sign seen at the protest

“One day there are AISA students from JNU protesting, next day ABVP students against them protesting, next day journalists marching, and day after lawyers marching and after them Jats from Haryana come here to protest. It is a never ending sequence of protests and we have had enough”, a 25 yrs old youngster Sushil Sharma told us.

“Earlier we only had the political protests. Either Kejriwal was protesting or Delhi BJP was protesting or MCD was protesting. Even Anna Hazare used to come once in a while like Halley’s Comet but now everyone has jumped in. Everyone is protesting, I doubt half of them even know why they are protesting. Bas fashion ho gaya hai ji”, Sushil went on to add.

Another person present at the “protest”, Ms Meenu Jindal explained their reasoning, “When you can’t beat them, join them. We can’t get rid of the protest culture in this city so we might as well start protesting too. We didn’t have any other cause for protest so we started a protest against all these protests.”

The group will take out a protest march from Jantar Mantar to Select City walk Saket where they will go to watch a movie after their protest. There were colorfully drawn posters all over Jantar Mantar saying “Hum kya maangein, Azaadi, protests se Azaadi. Daily marches se Azaadi, Dharne waalon se Azaadi”

Meanwhile, Delhi Police has confirmed that this group doesn’t have the necessary permissions to take out their protest march and police will arrest anyone out protesting without permission.

“Once we arrest them for this protest, they can start a protest against Delhi Police. We are helping them find some purpose in life”, a Delhi Police inspector said on condition of anonymity.

Inspired by this actual news

रायबरेली मदरसे का नया फ़तवा, बकरी पालने को बताया ‘ग़ैर-इस्लामिक’

रायबरेली. शहर के मशहूर मदरसे दरगाह आला हज़रत ने बकरी के ख़िलाफ़ फ़तवा जारी करते हुए इसे ‘ग़ैर-इस्लामिक’ बताया है। फ़तवे में कहा गया है कि “बकरी की आकृति गाय से मिलती जुलती है, इसलिये बकरी पालना हराम है।” इससे पहले बरेली के मदरसे ने टाई बांधने के ख़िलाफ़ ऐसा ही फ़तवा दिया था।

फ़तवे को सुनकर सुबकती एक युवा बकरी अपनी मां के साथ

असल में, मौलाना शमशाद शहाबुद्दीन नाम के एक व्यक्ति ने बकरी से जुड़ा एक सवाल पूछा था। जिस पर मुफ़्ती आलम हिंद सैयद मियां ख़लील राशिद ने फ़तवा जारी करते हुए कहा कि “बकरी के चार पैर होते हैं और गाय के भी चार पैर हैं। बकरी भी एक पूंछ रखती है और गाय भी एक पूंछ की स्वामिनी है।”

दोनों में समानताएं गिनाते हुए मुफ़्ती ने आगे कहा कि “बकरी का दूध भी सफ़ेद होता है और गाय का भी। और सबसे बड़ी बात, दोनों हरा चारा खाती हैं और पानी पीती हैं। इस कैलकुलेशन के हिसाब से बकरी और गाय का आपस में कनेक्शन है और उसकी हिंदुओं से रिश्तेदारी है क्योंकि गाय को हिंदू मां समान मानते हैं। ”

मुस्लिमों को बकरी ना पालने की हिदायत देते हुए उन्होंने कहा कि “और हिंदू लोग गाय को पूजते हैं और जिस भी चीज़ को हिंदू पूजते हैं, वो मुसलमानों के लिये ऑटोमेटिकली हराम हो जाती है। इसलिये मुसलमानों को बकरी जैसी ग़ैर-मुस्लिम चीजों से बचना चाहिये।”

इस फ़तवे के जारी होते ही दुनिया भर के मुसलमान मुश्किल में पड़ गये हैं क्योंकि कश्मीर से लेकर साइबेरिया तक मुसलमान सबसे ज़्यादा बकरी ही पालते हैं। कुछ मुसलमानों ने तो अपनी बकरियों को घरों से निकालना भी शुरु कर दिया है और जिन हिंदुओं ने अपनी बूढ़ी गायों को घरों से निकाल दिया था, उनमें इन बकरियों को झपटने की होड़ मच गयी है।

Disclaimer: This article has NOT been edited or written by the Faking News editorial team for publication as a mainstream article. This is a user generated content, and could be unusually better or worse in quality than an article published on the mainstream Faking News website. You too can write your own news report on My Faking News

War hero Sanjay Dutt relived from his post on LOC

On Feb 25th Around 8:30 AM, our very own war hero Sanjay Dutt was relieved of his duties from Army head quarters located in Yerwada, Pune.

This state of art building is primarily built to facilitate the brave men of this country. He was mainly relived because of the good word he did in the summer of 93 by capturing a truck load of weapons which included 3 AK-56 rifles, 9 magazines, 450 cartridges, a 9mm pistol and over 20 hand grenades from enemies while stationed at border. He did all this with only one accomplice Anees Ibrahim.

Abu Salem, Baba Mussa Chauhan and Samir Hingora were the three guys who had entered into Indian Territory on 16th Jaunuary 1993. Dutt stopped their convoy single handedly, beat them up and seized all the weapons. He, then called his another accomplice, Yusuf Nullwala, to destroy the weapons so that they cannot be used against his country.

War hero Sanjay Dutt returning from duty

He kept AK – 56 with him, however, as a souvenir, which he later submitted to Indian Authorities to be placed in a museum located at an undisclosed location.

Entire Bollywood nation was excited about the act of nationalism committed by Mr. Dutt and welcomed him with open arms.

Below is a timeline of events as they unfolded.

8:30 AM: Yerwada, Pune, India: Sanjay Dutt salutes the flag hoisted on Army headquarters, Yerwada. He went there to submit his application for voluntarily retirement.

Later in the day: He went to Sidhivinayak, with all the media chasing their war hero, to thank Lord Ganesha for allowing him to serve his country for so long.

And Later in the day: He went to the grave of now his demised mother for thanking her for giving birth to him that allowed him to serve the country.

He also did a press conference later on to highlight on his accomplishments in all these years at the border. His Gandhigiri at the border forced the army to relive him early of his duties though he was expected to serve few more months at the frontier. This amount of good behaviour can’t even be described in words.

These things also happened.

Bollywood walk down to his house to wish him
All the nationalists of recent years have been wishing him luck for his good work.

Disclaimer: This article has NOT been edited or written by the Faking News editorial team for publication as a mainstream article. This is a user generated content, and could be unusually better or worse in quality than an article published on the mainstream Faking News website. You too can write your own news report on My Faking News

राहुल गांधी के बर्थडे पर कांग्रेसी विधायक बांटेंगे चंपक और लोट-पोट; दूसरे नेताओं के जन्मदिन पर क्या-क्या बंटेगा, पढ़िये पूरी रिपोर्ट

चेन्नई/नयी दिल्ली. एआईएडीएमके के विधायक जयकुमार ने अम्मा के जन्मदिन पर पैदा हुए बच्चों को सोने की अंगूठियां तोहफ़े में दीं। जयकुमार की देखा-देखी अब दूसरी पार्टी के विधायकों में भी होड़ मच गयी है। वे भी अब अपने ‘हाईकमानों’ और ‘आलाकमानों’ के जन्मदिन पर बच्चों में तोहफ़े बांटने की तैयारी कर रहे हैं। देखिये, वे गिफ़्ट में क्या-क्या देने वाले हैंः

राहुल गांधी

राहुल बाबा के हैप्पी बड्डे पे कांग्रेसी विधायक बच्चों में ‘चंपक’ और ‘लोट-पोट’ बांटेंगे

अरविंद केजरीवाल

केजरीवाल जी के जन्मदिन पर ‘आपी’ विधायक नवजात शिशुओं को ‘दो बूंद’ खांसी की दवा पिलायेंगे और ऑड और ईवन पर उनकी राय पूछेंगे

नरेंद्र मोदी

मोदी जी के ~~बर्थडे~~ ‘अवतरण दिवस’ पर बीजेपी विधायक बच्चों के जन-धन योजना में खाते खोलेंगे और उनके पैरेंट्स और अस्पताल के पूरे स्टाफ़ के साथ सेल्फ़ी लेंगे

मुलायम सिंह यादव

नेताजी के जन्मदिन पर सपा के ~~गुंडे~~ विधायक नवजात शिशुओं को राज्य मंत्री का दर्ज़ा देंगे और उनके मां-बाप का मनचाही जगह पर ट्रांसफ़र करेंगे

मायावती

बहनजी के बड्डे पर उनके विधायक नवजात शिशुओं को सूखी बधाई देकर बदले में उनके पेरेंट्स से पार्टी के लिये ‘चंदा’ लेंगे

लालू प्रसाद यादव

लालू जी के जन्मदिन पर आरजेडी के विधायक बच्चों के बर्थ सर्टिफिकेट में हेरफेर करके एक साल बाद की डेट डालेंगे

नीतीश कुमार

सुशासन बाबू के बर्थडे पर जेडीयू के विधायक नवजात शिशुओं को लिफ़ाफ़े में उनके नाखून और बालों के सैंपल के साथ 101 रुपया रखकर देंगे

रामविलास पासवान

पासवान जी के दोनों विधायक उनका बर्थडे सेलीब्रेट करने के लिये नवजात शिशुओं के पेरेंट्स को गिफ़्ट में ‘बेपेंदी के लोटे’ बांटेंगे

जीतनराम मांझी

मांझी अपनी ‘हम’ पार्टी में इकलौते विधायक और मेंबर बचे हैं, इसलिये वो अपना बर्थडे नवजात शिशुओं के साथ अस्पताल में ही मनायेंगे और लगे हाथों उन्हें अपनी पार्टी का मेंबर भी बनायेंगे

Disclaimer: This article has NOT been edited or written by the Faking News editorial team for publication as a mainstream article. This is a user generated content, and could be unusually better or worse in quality than an article published on the mainstream Faking News website. You too can write your own news report on My Faking News