Washington D.C.: A multinational petition, started by a newly developed coalition of cricket fans from around the world, is asking for signatures on the White House website which in effect wants the President of the United States, Barack Obama to step in and forcefully retire India’s ace batsman Virat Kohli from all forms of cricket.
Within the petition, the submission explains that the recent form of Kohli has become not only a heart ache for every other cricket playing nation, excluding Bangladesh, but also a national embarrassment for teams trying to win world tournaments, also excluding Bangladesh.
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Apart from his dashing good looks and his good looking dashes when he’s trying to take the kind of singles other, slightly overweight, international cricketers would say “Not Today” to, the petition also demands that whenever not only an international team visits India for a series, but a cricket fan from anywhere in the world visits India for pleasure and/or business that all hoardings and TV advertisements with anything even closely related to Kohli be nowhere in sight.
On being contacted by Faking News, the coalition disclosed that it came to form after a group of disheartened cricket fans from different parts of the world would coincidentally be at the same bar in London to watch cricket matches during the ongoing ICC World T20. They said even after becoming friends, they want to keep meeting at the bar rather than at someone’s house because they don’t want to spend $15 to legally buy a package to see all the matches online in HD, and most of the times they can’t find a reliable free stream. The core of the coalition is made up of fans from Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Australia, England, the West Indies and South Africa. Bangladeshi fans were also present during the viewings of matches, but they decided against joining the coalition because they said, “Our photo-shopping skills are enough”, before storming out of the bar shouting, “But that was a no ball!”. They have yet to be seen again.
The rules on the White House website outlines that 100,000 signatures must be attained by a petition before it merits a response from the White House. So far, the petition has reached a total of 300 million signatures, with a majority of them coming from Pakistani fans with middle eastern IP addresses.
It is widely expected that the White House will disregard the petition for numerous reasons, mainly because not only is this system built for US citizens concerned about issues that might directly affect the United States, but also because Obama was sent the highlights link on YouTube of the 82* Kohli scored yesterday against Australia, instantly transforming Obama into a fan. The coalition also claims that they would like to start another petition headed by a US citizen, but cannot because they can’t find someone from the US who gives “two shits” about the game, blaming the ICC for sending retired players and not current superstars like Jadeja, Raina, Dhawan, Rohit Sharma and the recently retired (or not!) Afridi to propel the game new heights of following. They would go on to try and accusations about ICC being a puppet of the BCCI, but we’re not going to post it here with the intention of saving ours, and yours, time.
Faced with the prospect of nothing coming out of this bandwidth waste, the coalition is preparing to start another petition asking Obama to force Anushka Sharma to be married off to Kohli, making his slump in form permanent. The President has already been informed by the FBI, the CIA and RAW of the upcoming petition, and is known to have asked the IT department of the White House, coincidentally 95% Indian, to “throw that shit out of the window as soon as it comes in”.
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