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London: Indian business tycoon Vijay Mallya has offered to repay Rs 4,000 crore of the money that’s owed to banks by September. To save that much money, Mallya is busy working several jobs in England right now. Faking News followed Vijay Mallya around and clicked his pics carrying out his several duties to earn the money he needs.
Vijay Mallya working as Queen’s Palace Guard
Vijay Mallya working as a cashier at local Tesco
Vijay Mallya working at Waitrose culinary school showing how to cook excellent chakhna to go with your beer
Vijay Mallya ready to board the train to sell hot spicy pakodas
Vijay Mallya juggling at the local circus, a skill he learned while juggling loans from 17 banks
Vijay Mallya selling half and half scarves at Football games during the weekend
After a long, tiring day, Vijay Mallya working as the janitor of the 5 star hotel he is staying in
All this work is just for the initial payment of 4,000 Crores. For the balance, Vijay Mallya is learning a skill that should help him earn the remaining amount in no time once he returns to Bangalore.
Vijay Mallya learning how to drive an Auto
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London: In a very rare event, Indian business tycoon Vijay Mallya has offered to pay someone the full amount due to him and that too on time. Mallya has promised West Indian batsman Chris Gayle that his salary for the next IPL season will be paid in full if he gets out early during the semi final against India.
Mallya trying to strike a deal with Gayle
Chris Gayle, who is a part of Vijay Mallya owned Royal Challengers Bangalore in IPL is seen as the biggest threat to India’s march to the finals of World T20 currently being played in India.
Notorious for not paying the sums he owes, either to banks or to Kingfisher Airlines employees, Vijay Mallya has made this promise to ensure India wins their semifinal against West Indies in the T20 World Cup.
Speaking to the media at his small palatial home in England, Mr. Mallya said, “There have been several allegations against me recently by motivated sections of the press, this is the opportunity for me to prove all of them wrong. This will show that when I promise someone, I do make the payments so SBI should take note. This will also show that I love my country more than anything else and I am willing to do anything to serve my country.”
When asked whether this will not amount to spot fixing, Mallya disagreed and said, “Oh no, I am not giving him any additional money to play badly, I am just promising him his salary. He has a right to that money being an RCB employee and accepting that doesn’t amount to any corruption. I checked with several former IPL experts based in England and they have assured me that this is totally legal.”
Our reporter tried to get Chris Gayle’s reaction to this offer but he was busy practicing his dance moves to prepare for the semifinal.
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New Delhi: In order to make itself more appealing and inmate friendly, Tihar jail announced plans to introduce Facebook check-in for all its guests.
Now let you friends know that you are in Tihar jail
This move would result in it attracting more people from various walks of life, who have so far avoided it after being told that it’s a bad place to spend one’s time.
This move has received acclaim from various prison rights groups who are appreciating the effort to enhance the prison experience.
We spoke to the Jail Superintendent for more clarity and he said, “Well I recently opened a Facebook account and saw people checking into airport, railway station, bus depot, rickshaw stand, cycle stand, hotel, chai sutte ki dukan and more. Plus almost everyone seemed to be enthusiastically checking out those check in’s and provided encouragement and wishes to the person checking in. So we decided to provide check in’s at Tihar Jail as well.”
“Now instead of comments like Tu Pariwar aur Samaj pe dhabba hai there would be comments like ‘have a great time there’ or ‘make new friends’ or ‘have the time of your life while serving life’ or ‘hope to join you soon’. This would infuse immense positivity among the prisoners who would put up a lesser fight to avoid getting into Tihar,” he added.
“Plus we would start a selfie with prisoners program where all inmates can take a selfie with eminent personalities like Subroto Roy or Suresh Kalmadi. There would also be dharna with Kejriwal or Yogendra Yadav the next time they decide to pop in,” said the superintendent as he took a selfie himself.
Now many prisoners have started updating their statuses from the prisons, like ‘Checked in Tihar Jail with 3 others’ or ‘Checked in for life’ or ‘Checked In, can’t wait to check out early’. Also many people sick of their IT jobs are finding ways to get into Tihar jail.
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New Delhi: A report released by TV ratings agency today has revealed that coverage of Delhi local news on National TV has fallen below the average 89% due to the ongoing Cricket World Cup.
Such news have disappeared from national TV due to the World Cup
The report said that for the last 2 years, National TV channels have been successfully getting TRPs showing local Delhi politics and other local news to an All India viewership avoiding unnecessary action of actually stepping out of Delhi studios at any cost
“Our reporters were doing the world a service. By staying within the geographical boundaries of Delhi, we cut down on our carbon footprint by as much as 78%. We kept showing Delhi news to an all Indian audience and kept telling them that this is all they need to know but the World Cup ruined our programming. India didn’t play any game at the Kotla so we couldn’t pretend that Delhi matches are the only ones happening at the World Cup”, said a revolutionary senior editor of a leading Hindi news channel.
The national coverage of Delhi state has been going downhill since world cup started and all the coverage has become about cricket. So much so that the nation didn’t even come to know which movie Delhi CM reviewed during the month of March.
One Delhi journalist told us that she tried to make cricket about Delhi too by doing an hour long program on CM Kejriwal’s “Delhi ka munda” tweets to Kohli but the idea was rejected in favour of Kohli’s “Shame” tweet.
Indians living outside Delhi have felt the difference too in the news programming. One news junkie from Madurai said, “I was very surprised when the National English News channels devoted only 2 hrs to Delhi state budget. This is the time they devoted to Arun Jaitley’s budget speech before refocusing on JNU in Delhi. I felt they must be doing the coverage in series but there was nothing on air the next day. Instead of Delhi budget, they were talking about Gaylestorm. Thankfully there were 4 pages of ads in local papers the next day explaining Delhi budget to the people of Madurai.”
Meanwhile, Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal has accused PM Narendra Modi of hosting this World Cup to take the focus away from Delhi. “Modi doesn’t want nation to know that a street in Rohini Sector 4 got new manhole covers today”, tweeted an angry Kejriwal.
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New Delhi: The success of Delhi CM’s poll plank of reducing electricity bills may be debatable, but the rest of North India is definitely witnessing a strange phenomenon of reducing power bills since February.
The curious case of reducing electricity bill
Electricity bills in many parts in North have gone down by as much as 80%. Sources attribute this to increasing trend among people of using front camera flash to light their apartments.
A report by the Electricity Dept. revealed the statistics even as senior officials, who refused to validate this trend, were investigating the possibility of calculation mistake in arriving at the bill amount.
“It’s almost an 80% drop in the bill amount. Something like this has never happened before. I mean people here are used to inflated bills. Had it been an 80% hike, we wouldn’t have bothered. But such low bills need investigation. This front camera flash thing sounds too good to be true. Our reputation is at stake and even the media is asking questions,” said the Chief Engineer at the Electricity Department with a worried look on his face.
The curious case of reduced electricity bills has now taken half of the country by storm. Sources say a selfie that went viral on social media last week is responsible for the trend that is now getting international attention.
Monty Khurana, a self-confessed selfie addict, and the man behind the ‘reduced electricity bills’ phenomenon spoke to Faking News and said, “I just purchased InFocus Bingo 21 and as usual started taking selfies. I uploaded a few selfies on social media and immediately got comments from my friend. I thought the comments would be about how good looking I am, but I was wrong. One of my friends asked me as to how I had electricity in my house when the entire area had power outage.”
“That’s when it dawned to me that the front camera flash from my new smartphone was the reason I didn’t realize the absence of lights,” he added as he turned on the front camera flash to take a selfie with our reporter.
With summer fast approaching many people are using their smartphones to save themselves from the pangs of load shedding. “If this news about electricity bills is true, I’d rather buy an InFocus Bingo 21 than an inverter. Also, I am planning to get rid of all the bulbs in the house,” said Bulbinder Singh, a resident of Paschim Vihar.
Political parties that promised reduced electricity bills prior to elections are now taking credit for the 80% drop in bill amount. “We promised to reduce the burden on the common man and look, just after a year in power we have honored our commitment,” said the chief of the ruling political party amidst cheers from his supporters.
Meanwhile, Monty Khurana, who attributes his transformation from a guy next door to a social media celeb to his InFocus Bingo 21 smartphone, is more than just a happy man. Check out how Monty Khurana not only took some fabulous selfies but also managed to bring down his power bills with the front camera flash of his InFocus Bingo 21 smartphone.
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Delhi: 30 yrs old Rajiv Gupta who had pledged that he will not use any water this Holi is still walking around with Gulaal all over his face more than 24 hrs after he stopped playing Holi. Rajiv is confused whether his pledge covers use of water to wash off gulaal or not and is seeking legal counsel to resolve the confusion.
Rajiv wondering what to do about all this colour on his face
Holi is the Hindu festival of colours celebrated on Phalgun Poornima every year. Along with colours, people use coloured water, water balloons and water guns to celebrate this festival. However, with the shortage of water around, many people have started supporting a waterless Holi.
“I was determined not to use any water this Holi so I avoided all water balloons, pichkaris, skipped bath as well yesterday and played Holi only with Gulaal. However, I hadn’t thought about this situation. If I use water to wash off gulaal, will it be using water on Holi or is it not included?” Rajiv wondered.
“All these social activists told us to celebrate Holi using gulaal but they never mentioned what to do once gulaal is all over your body and particularly in your hair. Now I will have to shampoo my hair multiple times and take a very long bath to remove all the gulaal. The amount of water it will take to wash off all this colour is same as the monthly consumption of water in my house in a normal month. So am I wasting water by playing a waterless Holi or not?” Rajiv continued to fire his questions towards our reporter.
When asked whether he has come up with any solution to resolve his conundrum, Rajiv said, “I have asked my lawyer to check whether my pledge of not using any water on Holi is restricted to the day of Holi or carries on to the next day. I am waiting for his feedback before taking a bath”
“If he says pledge is still binding, I will go and protest at Jantar Mantar over some random issue, police will use water cannons and I won’t feel guilty while this colour gets washed off”, Rajiv added.
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Aamir Khan doesn’t need any Hardware like pichkari. He just looked at some ‘chaunkaane waale aankde’ and water shot out of his eyes
This Holi, Sanjay Dutt picked up a gun that is legal to carry, a Water Gun!
Rahul Gandhi paid tribute to his favourite character Chota Bheem by using a Pichkari modeled after him.
Kejriwal’s pichkari was a technological marvel, a Wifi Pichkaari. He pressed a button with his hand and water shot out of his cap. The pichkari also made ‘Main Hoon Aam Pichkaari’ sound
Modi’s Pichkari turned out to be a bigger technological marvel than Kejriwal. A multi-purpose phone pichkari. While Modi took selfies with world leaders using front camera, water shot out of the back camera.
Arnab Pichkari- Times Now released this image of the pichkari being used by Arnab Goswami and claimed that Arnab Goswami’s pichkari threw more water than all the pichkaris used in all other news channels.
and finally, the pichkari of Dhoni. It was in shape of a stump and had a button, drenching the person in blue colors.
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California. Impressed by Indian Captain’s way of finishing the things in style just when the time appears to be running out, Microsoft has announced that it would launch “MS Dhoni” under the product brand MS Office to enable users to prepare presentations adhering to their deadlines.
Watching the highlights of the thriller where India won a nail biting and heart attacking versus Bangladesh, the Indian Origin CEO Satya Nadela said, “We know Indians struggle to keep pace with the deadlines. They are often seen lagging behind their targets. So to overcome this snag, we have decided to launch MS Dhoni as a PowerPoint tool that will help them not only to complete their incomplete presentations within the due date but also will save you from humiliation.”
The proposed flash screen of the MS Dhoni application
“This product would be of a great help especially to MBAs who are often seen struggling to prepare presentations on time even after repeated reminders from their managers, and from their professors when they were students,” said Satya in a hurry, as he himself had to prepare the presentation using MS Dhoni for launching the product in market the next day.
As reported to us, the said tool will prepare small and irrelevant slides first and then informative and purposeful slides would be prepared that would constitute the crux of the whole presentation.
The announcement has brought Holi and Diwali together for all the MBA executives and students all over India. “Now we don’t need to desperately look for solutions or plagiarize other’s works. We can also make absolutely wonderful presentations after playing cricket during the rest of the time before the deadline,” an IIM Bangalore student told Faking News.
In another news, Christopher Nolan has decided to make a documentary on last three balls of the game so that Bangladeshis could interpret how actually did they lose the game. In the movie, all the balls will be shown as no-balls that were not called so by the umpires.
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The premature celebration
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मुंबई- मुंबई के एक हॉस्टल में एक लड़के को बेदर्दी से पीटने के बाद उसके दोस्तों ने उसके सामान को हॉस्टल से बाहर फ़ेंक दिया। प्रत्यक्षदर्शियों के मुताबिक आदित्य शर्मा इंजीनियरिंग का छात्र था, वह मुंबई में एक हॉस्टल में अपने दोस्तों के साथ रहता था। एक दिन अचानक जब उसके दोस्तों को पता चला कि आदित्य के लैपटॉप में 512 MB का रैम है, तो सबने तुरंत आदित्य से इस गुनाह के बारे में सफाई देने के लिए कहा।
आदित्य शर्मा को अपने किए की सज़ा मिली
जब अपने बचाव में आदित्य अच्छे तर्क नहीं दे पाया तो उसके सभी दोस्तों ने उसे बेदर्दी से पीटना शुरू कर दिया। कुछ दोस्तों ने उसका सामान उठा कर हॉस्टल से बाहर फ़ेंक दिया और धमकी दी कि आज के बाद अगर वो हॉस्टल के पांच किमी के दायरे में नज़र आया तो ठीक नहीं होगा।
आदित्य के एक दोस्त सौरव ने बताया, “एक बार मैंने सबके बीच जबरदस्त जोक सुनाया, सभी दोस्त जोर जोर से हंसने लगे लेकिन आदित्य चुपचाप बैठा था, जब हम सब चुप हो गए तो आदित्य अचानक हंसने लगा, मुझे उसी दिन शक हो गया की कुछ तो गड़बड़ है, वो हमेशा हमारी हंसी को चेस करता था कभी भी उसने पहले बैटिंग नहीं की, हमें लगा की विराट कोहली का फैन होगा लेकिन ये तो इंजमाम-ऊल-हक का फैन निकला, एकदम स्लो, आज मुझे पता चला की हम एक क्रिमिनल के साथ रूम शेयर कर रहे थे।”
एक और दोस्त साहिल ने बताया कि “जब आदित्य पहली बार हमारे साथ रहने के लिए आया था तभी से वो, सबसे अलग ही रहता था, हमें अंदाजा नहीं था की वो ऐसा कुछ कर जाएगा, इंजीनियरिंग पढ़ते हुए भी 512 MB का रैम” ऐसा कहते हुए साहिल भड़क गया।
Disclaimer: This article has NOT been edited or written by the Faking News editorial team for publication as a mainstream article. This is a user generated content, and could be unusually better or worse in quality than an article published on the mainstream Faking News website. You too can write your own news report on My Faking News
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Disclaimer: This article has NOT been edited or written by the Faking News editorial team for publication as a mainstream article. This is a user generated content, and could be unusually better or worse in quality than an article published on the mainstream Faking News website. You too can write your own news report on My Faking News
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दिल्ली: चर्च अटैक, दादरी, और अवार्ड वापसी के बाद सरकार इनटॉलेरेंस के आरोपों से जूझ रही है। हर दिन एक एक अखबार में दो दो कॉलम लिखे जा रहे हैं। इसी आरोपों से परेशान होकर मोदी सरकार ने फैसला किया है की, वो अगले एक महीने के भीतर एक बड़ा घोटाला करेगी, ताकि अख़बारों में लिखे जाने वाले आर्टिकल्स में कुछ तो सच्चाई हो। सरकार ने बयान जारी कर कहा की हम अख़बारों में छपने वाले बेसिर पैर के आरोपों से परेशान हो गए थे, इसीलिए हमने निर्णय लिया है की हम खुद एक घोटाला करेंगे ताकि आर्टिकल्स लिखने वालों की सहायता हो सके। भाजपा के प्रवक्ता संबित पात्रा ने इस खबर का स्वागत किया है और कहा की, “जिससे हमारा कोई लेना देना नहीं है, उस मामले पर भी दिन भर चिल्ला चिल्ला के सफाई देना पड़ता था, कम से कम इस बार तो ऐसा नहीं होगा क्योंकि अब हम खुद घोटाला करेंगे और उसका जवाब देंगे।”
घोटालों की स्ट्रॅटजी बनाते हुए मोदीजी
अंग्रेजी के अखबार में लिखने वाले एक प्रसिद्ध लेखक ने भी राहत की सांस ली है। उन्होंने कहा कि पिछले कई दिनों से “फिक्शन” लिख लिख कर मैं बोर हो गया था, मुझे लगने लगा था की कहीं फिक्शन लिखते लिखते मैं जे.के.रोलिंग ना बन जाऊं, लेकिन मोदी सरकार घोटाला करने जा रही है तो अब मुझे कुछ “रियलिस्टिक” लिखने को मिलेगा।
एक और आर्टिकल राइटर जिन्होंने अवार्ड वापसी के दौरान खाना पीना छोड़ दिया था, उसने बताया की- “अगर सरकार बड़ा स्कैम करती है, तो मैं सबसे पहले आरोपियों के खिलाफ अखबार में ही मुकदमा चलाऊंगा और किसी दिन अखबार में ही सजा का एलान कर दूंगा। साथ ही अपने हर आर्टिकल में मोदी को “तानाशाह” कहूँगा और उन्हें इस्तीफा देने की बात तो मेरे आर्टिकल में “बाई डिफॉल्ट” रहता ही है।”
कपिल सिब्बल को जब पता चला की सरकार बड़ा घोटाला करने जा रही है, उसने तुरंत बयान दिया की- एक बार फिर सरकार हमारे ही पालिसी को नए नाम से लांच कर रही है। साथ ही उसने ट्वीट किया, “0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 जनता से जुड़े हर मुद्दे पर हम सरकार को समर्थन देने के लिए तैयार हैं 0 0 0 0 0 00 0 0 0 0 0 “।
इस ट्वीट के तुरंत बाद उन्होंने एक नया ट्वीट किया जिसमे उन्होंने ट्विटर से शिकायत करते हुए लिखा की उन्हें “दो चार जीरो और लगाने में परेशानी हो रही है”।
Disclaimer: This article has NOT been edited or written by the Faking News editorial team for publication as a mainstream article. This is a user generated content, and could be unusually better or worse in quality than an article published on the mainstream Faking News website. You too can write your own news report on My Faking News
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