Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Friday, January 10, 2014

After ignorant driver overtakes Vadra, Govt issues guidelines to driving in India

In light of the shocking incident of a car daring to overtake Robert Vadra on a Delhi road today, Government of India has issued a set of traffic guidelines to help Indian citizens.

Citizens are requested to follow these guidelines at all times to ensure a happy driving experience for everyone.

Just like everything else in India, these guidelines come under 2 categories, VVIP and General.

Government is also considering a high level proposal to make Shri Robert Vadra the brand ambassador for disciplined driving

VVIP GUIDELINES:

1. Never ever ever ever… EVER, overtake a car that belongs to Robert Vadra. (“Never ever ever ever… EVER” is a trademark of Mr. Arnab Goswami and we give full credit to them while using it here)

2. Touching Rakhi Birla’s car will be considered an act of terror and you will be punished under the Anti-Terrorism laws. Keep your car, scooter, cycle, cricket balls, hands, et al. at a safe distance from her car when you spot it on the road.

3. Take your dogs off the roads (even sidewalks) when you see a car belonging to a BJP leader. It really hurts them when a puppy comes under their car. You will have to pay compensation to them for causing mental anguish if it happens.

GENERAL GUIDELINES:

1. Lanes and zebra crossings are painted on the road to create employment opportunities for painters and to let the purchase officer make some money. Any other purpose that you may have heard of is just a rumor.

2. Traffic lights are changed frequently only to add some color to your life. Don’t stop your vehicle to stare at a red light, keep on driving, you will see another one soon enough.

3. In case of an accident, the vehicle with bigger size is at fault. So even if you are going down the wrong way on your bike, if you hit a car then the car’s driver is at fault.

4. If you see an ambassador car with lal batti in your rear-view mirror then you must give way immediately. You may be delaying a scam of national importance. However, don’t extend the same courtesy to an ambulance; if an ambulance is getting delayed due to traffic then so too is Yamraj. Nobody is going to die.

5. Little kids make the best airbags. Keep them positioned in front of you to absorb the impact during an accident.

6. Every driver must carry 100 Rs notes in their wallet. Traffic police will not be responsible if you don’t get the change after paying 500 Rs or 1000 Rs currency note to a traffic cop.

7. Drunk driving is prohibited only for college students. Mainly because they spend all their money on booze and have nothing to give to the traffic cop who pulls them over.

8. Vehicles behind you come to an immediate halt when you decide to change lanes or make a sudden turn. Don’t bother turning on the indicators, sudden use of the indicators may confuse people.

9. You must keep pressing the horn at all times. While indicators are optional, honking is mandatory at all times.

10. Roads double up as parking zones at all times. You can park your vehicle on the side of the road, middle of the road or even on the median dividing the road. A No Parking sign is a reservation sign for your vehicle; please park there the moment you spot one.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Friday faking release: Hum Nahin Sudherenge

After Samajwadi Party religiously rejected all criticisms of hosting festivals and parties amidst people dying in relief camps, a 1980 movie has been re-released:

There is no incentive, so why should we?

Dhoom 3.5 to be shot in UP after Mulayam rewards Dedh Ishqiya with 1 crore

The superstar on the super~~bike~~buffalo in the upcoming superhit movie

Kanpur. Immediately after UP government declared 1 crore rupees reward for Dedh Ishqiya as it was shot in the state, Yash Raj Films has announced the next installment of Dhoom, which will be shot in the Mulayam’s native village of Saifai.

The film tentatively titled Dhoom 3.5 (साढ़े तीन) will have Abhishek and Uday reprising the roles of failed cops. Their characters will be called Daroga Dixit and Hawaldar Pandu Ali respectively.

Reportedly, Uday’s character’s name has been suggested by Mulayam Singh Yadav.

To make it more realistic and earthy, role of main antagonist has been offered to local superstar Kamaal R Khan aka KRK, who would play the character of Lootera Yadav that specializes in looting and eating fodder from the godowns.

However, instead of fancy bikes KRK would be seen riding on buffaloes to pull off those dangerous heists. His artillery would comprise of gulels and teer kamans with which he will defend himself and dodge cops.

“We were initially considering donkey in place of buffalo but the moment KRK sat on one, we found it difficult to differentiate between the two,” producer Aditya Chopra explained the reason behind choosing bhainswa over bikwa.

Aditya Chopra further expressed confidence that Abhishek and Uday will do full justice to their characters as they have been known to be as ineffective as UP Police.

YRF insiders revealed that the climax of the film will show Lootera Yadav as the former CM of Bihar who moved to UP after finishing all the fodder of Bihar.

Dawood takes revenge, Shinde barred from attending a Bollywood party

Mumbai. Retaliating against Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde’s recent comment where he said that efforts were on to bring the underworld don Dawood Ibrahim back to India, Dawood has used his influence to bar Shinde from attending a Bollywood party.

Taking Indo-Pak scuffle to a whole new level.

Last night, Shinde was invited to attend music launch of a movie, but as soon as Shinde reached the venue, he was politely asked to leave. The incident left Home Minister fuming and experts believe that this could strengthen his resolve to bring Dawood back and teach him a lesson.

People close to Shinde reveal that Dawood’s act has hit him where it hurts the most. “This humiliation is as bad as Devyani’s humiliation. It takes away the human rights of Shinde sir to enjoy his life. Dawood toh gayo,” an aide of Shinde told Faking News.

Sources say that the honorable Home Minister was so upset that he immediately wrote a letter to the Government of Pakistan, which is widely believed to the official agent of Dawood Ibrahim. The letter is addressed to Dawood. Our sources leaked it to use; here is an excerpt from the letter:

“I know who you are but I don’t know what you want. If you’re trying to humiliate me, I can tell you I don’t have pride but what I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long political career. Skills that make me a nightmare for my opposition. If you let me allow to attend film parties, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will bring you back to India.”

This tussle between Shinde and Dawood could usher a new era of soft-gang-war between the government and the underworld, some experts warn. Both parties are expected to take indirect measures to hurt each other. Experts further say that it could be a part of Pakistan’s proxy war to demoralize Indian politicians.

To give a befitting reply to Dawood, Rahul Gandhi has reportedly suggested Shinde to produce a movie of his own and attend it’s music launch.

Meanwhile, Mulayam Singh Yadav has consoled Shinde and promised to invite him in the next edition of Saifai Mahotsav.

“Our annual Saifai Mahotsav is equivalent to 10 Bollywood parties. Once Shinde ji will attend it, he will not feel need to attend other small parties for rest of the year,” the Samajwadi Party leader claimed.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Parts of US colder than Mars, Pakistan sends astronauts to US as Mars mission

Islamabad, Pakistan. Capitalizing on record dip in North America’s temperature, Pakistan has sent two of its astronauts to US as part of their Mars mission. Pakistan took this initiative after it realized that some parts of US had become colder than Mars due to polar vortex.

Pakistan claims ‘Mars Fatah’ to be the cheapest ever Mars mission in history of human civilization.

“India’s Mars mission project cost is Rs 450 crore, while ours is mere Rs 4.5 lakh. And above that, India’s mission is unmanned while we are sending two of our men,” boasted Ali Pasha, chief of Pakistan’s space agency, SUPARCO.

Explaining project’s low cost, Ali Pasha revealed that SUPARCO sent the astronauts by a daily flight from Karachi to Chicago.

An earlier attempt by Pakistan at Mars Mission

“We were under huge pressure to keep the project as economical as possible, so we gave our astronauts economy class tickets,” he added.

Astronauts were wearing space suits right from their home and kept it wearing even during flight. Lakhs of Pakistanis assembled at Karachi airport to wish them best of luck for their exploration. Besides carrying homemade food and pickles, they are also carrying blankets, extra sweaters, and mufflers, just in case space suit fails to guard them from cold.

After the flight landed, the Government of Pakistan declared that their astronauts had landed on Mars. While Pak gov claims that the mission was peaceful and successful, sources tell Faking News that there was a minor scuffle between the two astronauts as to who will put their feet down on ground first and get into history books.

As per SUPARCO insiders, astronauts have started sending images from Mars aka US on WhatsApp. While exploring they have found presence of water, oxygen and even McDonalds outlets.

“They have reported that they saw few aliens looking like humans, except one, who was looking like Lady Gaga,” disclosed an insider, “Our astronauts have also revealed that Mars gravity is same as that of Earth and it was an American hoax that it’s less than that of Earth.”

Reportedly, they are even planning to kill a few people and explode RDX as part of their experiment to analyze if it is possible to take terrorism to a universal level.

Meanwhile, success of ‘Mars Fatah’ has resulted into huge celebration across whole Pakistan. Our sources say that in over excitement Pak army even opened fire on LOC. If Pakistani news channels are to be believed, a local film studio has even announced a movie on ‘Mars Fatah’, in which they will show Pak astronauts’ in war with ‘Mangalyaan’ on Mars.

India has not reacted to the developments in the neighborhood but it has attracted some political reactions. AAP has congratulated Pakistan on an aam aadmi Mars mission while BJP has asked the UPA government to declare a war on Pakistan before it goes full crazy.

Sources say that Congress is closely studying this whole idea of how the aam aadmi in Pakistan was fooled, while Mulayam Singh Yadav has ordered his 20 MLAs, who are on study tour of Europe, to include US in their itinerary.

“We care for pride of our country; do ka jawaab bees se denge,” said Mulayam.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Faking News calendar for the year 2014

The year has started with a focus on Aam Aadmi Party. What does it stand for?

IPL auctions will take place and we will feel like superpower. Alas, we might not get a chance to show our might to another alleged superpower.

One of those months for activism and care for environment

IPL vs IPL (Indian Political League; the 2014 general elections)

What may happen in May?

There may or may not be Modi wave, but there will be heat wave.

That’s how we celebrate the festival of brotherhood

ODI (One Day Indian) in 20-20 (quick) style

Mumbai will survive

Another month for activism and care for environment

We will not forget

See you again, folks.

Azam Khan says his men confused by Muzaffarnagar people as LeT terrorists

Lucknow. Clarifying doubt around shocking police revelation that Muzaffarnagar riot victims were approached by Lashkar-e-Taiba, Samajwadi Party leader Azam Khan disclosed that it were his men whom riot victims confused as LeT terrorists.

Mulayam is too happy with Azam Khan's justification.

Mulayam Singh is too happy with Azam Khan’s justification.

Reportedly, they were volunteers of an NGO, Lashkar-e-Tea, which was primarily formed by Azam Khan to distribute tea in riot affected areas.

“They were carrying licensed gun, just for purpose of safety when they met Abdul. They offered him a cup of tea and after coming to know that he is jobless, they asked him to join Lashkar-e-Tea, that was all,” explained Azam Khan while talking to media.

“Probably, it’s because of a NGO name, Abdul confused it with that small time terror outfit LeT,” Azam Khan added.

As per Khan, Muzaffarnagar is LeT free zone. “They don’t have guts to raise voice in my territory,” he boasted. People close to Azam say, he is much more powerful than Lashkar-e-Taiba.

Coming out in support of Azam Khan’s comment, SP supremo Mulayam Singh Yadav cited another possible reason which might have confused riot victims.

“Minority community is so afraid of chaiwalas, that they see ‘maut ka saudagar‘ in every chaiwala,” argued Mulayam. He also raised suspicion that spreading such rumors could be a brand building exercise by PR agency of Lashkar-e-Taiba.