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Sunday, May 8, 2016

Facebook wall: MS Dhoni’s FB wall after losing the last match to RCB

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4% of Indians who pay income tax demand minority status and appeasement

New Delhi: Recent news reports showing that only 4% of Indians pay income tax has triggered another reservation debate in the country. Various people have appealed government to declare income tax payers as minority group and protect them.

If you know this department, you deserve reservation.

Mr. Chavanni Lal, the Chairman of PAN user Group (ChimPanG) demanded, “Since tax payers constitute only 4% of population, they should be accorded with minority status and given preferences in government programs, schemes etc. Once we are officially a minority, next logical step will be that governments will start minority appeasement as they have been doing to other minority groups. Good days are ahead.”

Most of the political parties have decided to play wait and watch game on this issue, as they are yet to find out which religion or caste dominates this newly formed minority group. Moreover, since this group mainly consists of people who prefer to go to work rather than showing up for political rallies, demonstrations or agitations, it is unlikely that the cause will be taken up by any party soon.

On the condition of anonymity, leader from a political party told us, “4% of 125 Cr is a big number. But how many of them vote? I cannot piss off 20-25% voters in order to please less than 4% voters. This equation is mathematically not viable.”

Not deterred by lack of political support, income tax payers sought help from an NGO – ‘PIIDIT’ (Protests, Intellectual Intimidation, Dharna, Ink-attacks & other Techniques) which specializes in organizing protests, agitations, stone pelting and ink attacks. It was promptly decided that next morning they will block railway tracks followed by burning of public property to put pressure on the government.

However, the planned protest fizzled out after only 10% of the people who confirmed their participation reached the venue of agitation. Most of them could not get a leave from their offices. Some of them had no earned leaves left and were not shrewd enough to bunk offices. Those who managed to get a leave, decided to finish pending household works in first half and could reach venue only after lunch. By that time police had already arrested their leaders.

CEO of PIIDIT, Kunthit Kumar was frustrated at the appalling behavior of so called honest tax payers. He told Shaitaan Khopdi™, “How can I help them if they are not even willing to torch few buses and shops? We are professionals, we won’t take law in our hands and get caught. Such things are done by mobs. If you guys worry so much about public property then why waste our time? We are an NGO. We also have to show profits. Koi samaajseva karne nahi baithe hain yaha pe.”

By @shaitaankhopdi

Note – Idea for this article came from a Tweet by Mamta Nigam.

Big MNCs approach Kejriwal for degree verification and background checks of new hires

Mumbai: Several major MNCs operating in India have approached Delhi CM Mr. Arvind Kejriwal to provide his services for background checks and degree verification of potential recruits.

This has happened after Kejriwal took up the initiative to verify educational credentials of PM of India Narendra Modi and created a stir in media by stating that PM Modi degree is fake without even looking at it. Even FBI sleuths struggle to verify documents at this speed and Kejriwal’s reputation has grown by leaps and bounds after this.

Kejriwal checking Modi’s degree

Not just educational qualifications, MNCs are looking at Mr. Kejriwal to provide character certificates of the applicants as well. Earlier, he used to inform Indians who is corrupt and who is not just by looking at the face of the person. Corrupt politicians still takes solace in the fact that Kejriwal never called them corrupt although legal courts of India have declared them corrupt based on the available evidence. Now it seems verifying documents and degrees is Kejriwal’s latest venture.

Anita Rai, HR head of a leading software firm which has asked for Kejriwal’s services, is optimistic that Kejriwal will come on board to assist them. “We hire thousands every year and we are not sure who has a real degree and experience letter. Once our newly hired CEO was later found out to be just 10th pass. We need people such as Kejriwal who are passionate about degrees.”

Ashutosh, who left all important work and went to Delhi University to find PM Bachelor’s degree, spoke to us over phone and said, “Sometimes Arvind Ji is unable to tell by looking at someone’s face if degree is genuine or not so we have to go to the University to check. Very soon I will be heading to Yale as well to look for Smriti Irani’s degree.”

When Ashutosh was asked why they didn’t check Jitender Tomar’s degree with such diligence, he disconnected the phone.

It is still not clear whether Kejriwal will be able to provide his services to these firms considering his busy schedule of tweeting about PM, watching new movies, protesting at Jantar-Mantar, holding Press conferences and eulogizing AAP government in Delhi on FM Radio.

By @Aurbolo

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Virat Kohli to motivate Marketing and Sales Executives to reach their targets on time

Bengaluru: After single-handedly beating Rising Pune Supergiants in a must win game of the IPL, Virat Kohli is all set to motivate the sales force of Indian companies. Virat has been approached by several companies to teach their sales executives the art of reaching a target.

Chaser Number 1

Beating the odds in each match, Kohli has attained expertise in how to chase mammoth targets just like how airtel’s mobile network is chased before making an urgent call.

Praising Kohli’s ability to chase targets gracefully, Mr. Zabardsti MaalBechkar (Marketing Head of a Telemarketing company which has a record of making 1000 spam calls a day) said, “We have asked Kohli to teach our employees how to chase customers and sell them products even though when it is not required by them. Be it insurance policy, credit card or personal loan, whenever an employee calls to prospective customer, he is greeted by foul words. Kohli will not only teach them about how to successfully sell the product but also he will teach him how to give befitting reply to those swear words.”

“Initially we thought of having Kohli in our company as the Chief Tele-caller Officer (CTO), but welcoming customer using BC or MC didn’t sound well and hence we dropped the idea just like RCB dropped catches”, said Mr. MaalBechkar while dialing a number to sell products to complete his own targets.

“We hope that Kohli not only gives them the aggression that is required to achieve targets, but also teach them how to eliminate competitors from the market like he virtually eliminaited RPS from the league yesterday “, added Maalbechkar.

Meanwhile, HR manager of a leading IT company has asked Irrfan Pathan to teach their engineers how to spend time productively while sitting on the bench.

Friday, May 6, 2016

Companies to provide ‘Itchguard’ and ‘Moov’ along with the mandatory packet of Peanuts this appraisal season

Bangalore. The proactive manager Kaamchor Kaalia of Exploitation Unlimited has now devised an innovative way of keeping employees pacified after the performance appraisal.

This appraisal season, get more than just peanuts

He told in the annual meet, “We are not that ruthless as our employees think about us. We have a humane side as well which feels pain of our employees. Till last year it was only peanuts but this year we introduced a lot of variety in peanuts like Masala peanuts, Jeera peanuts, and Sing Bhujia.”

“The employees receiving rating ‘Poor’ would receive no peanuts as we feel that they do not deserve it. They would be laid off the next year if their ratings do not improve. Their reporting managers would be thoroughly rewarded for rating them “Poor” and adhering to the policies of Exploitation Unlimited,” he added.

“Employees under the rating “Needs improvement” would receive a packet of stale peanuts and a tube of ‘Itchguard’ as they are the ones who rather than worrying about their appraisals feel the itch if somebody else gets a good rating. We do not want them to be uncomfortable with their itches. Tube of ‘Itchguard’ would definitely take care of that,” he said with confidence.

“The people receiving ‘Meets expectations’ would receive Masala peanuts along with a small tube of ‘Moov’ to relieve the pain due to extreme hardwork. The people receiving Masala peanuts can use the peanut as chakhna if they somehow manage to buy some beer paying large EMIs,” he clarified.

“The people receiving ‘Exceeds expectations’ would receive flavoured Sing Bhujia along with a big tube of ‘Moov’ and ‘Volini’ spray. Have you people ever heard of a master giving ‘Moov’ and ‘Volini’ to his mule to ease up the pain? We are the first ones, as I told earlier we are not completely heartless,” he pointed out.

“But the reporting managers of employees receiving ‘Exceeds expectations’ rating would be fired for setting up realistic expectations. It is only possible to exceed expectation if expectations are lower. We do not want any manager who is not capable of setting up expectations and targets which are achievable,” concluded the manager.

65 African researchers write to Kanhaiya Kumar to do a tour of Africa for his PhD in African Studies

Nairobi: 65 African researchers have written a letter to AISF student leader and ‘darling of media’ Kanhaiya Kumar.

What is the use of doing a PhD in African studies, when you are roaming across India and not Africa?” wondered an African researcher who is one of the 65 signatories

In that letter, they have requested the emerging leader Kanhaiya to do a tour of Africa, which can help in having a deeper understanding of his African studies. They have also revealed that Africa has more poor people than India and has even attached a few photos to show how Africa is suffering from poverty.

After going through the letter, we tried to contact a few of the signatories. Ablablabla Rabler, one such Researcher from the University of Nairobi, was humble enough to respond to us via a phone call.

When asked about the reason for sending a letter to the ‘messiah of media’, Ablablabla said, “Look! When we were trying to find out the ways to bring Africa out of poverty, we tried to look into all possible theories on economics and how to make sure that money reaches to the bottom. All our economic experiments met their dead-end. It was at this time, we read in online news websites from India that there is a new guy called Kanhaiya who has vowed to get poor people to be free from poverty. We listened to his speeches and were convinced that he is the guy we are looking for.”

“Not only his speeches, he also claimed that he is from a poor family and is living on stipends. But he is having an iPhone and travels in business class in flights. Even, well paid researchers like me cannot do it. So, if a poor in India has got access to this much luxury, Kanhaiya can definitely repeat the magic in Africa,” said Ablablabla who has done a PhD in African Economics.

“It is like a ‘one stone-two oranges’ for him too. Not only we will be benefited by his revolutionary ideas, he can also spend his time to work on his PhD thesis. If I’m right, he is doing his PhD in African studies and it will be good if he could visit Africa at least once, which can help him get more ideas for his research,” said Mobango from Harare, who claims that he also has a PhD.

When asked whether they would meet and invite Kanhaiya in person, his voice grew shrill, “We would have flown down to India, but he is in Delhi and we will be forced to urinate on roads there by their Common Man Party. So, we are scared to go there.”

Onsite aspirant reveals his real ambition is to update Facebook location, not international exposure

Hyderabad: In a ‘truth or dare’ game played by an IT employee and his boss, the employee has reportedly revealed that he is aspiring for onsite opportunities just to change his Facebook location, not for international exposure.

IT employees updating Facebook location after reaching onsite, but before calling parents

Faking News reached HITEC City to meet Rajesh Bikshapathi, the daring employee and here’s what he had to say.

“When I asked my boss for onsite opportunity, he took me to a conference room and asked me to play ‘truth or dare’ game with him. He said, if I successfully dare three times, he would approve my visa request; if I failed three times in order, he would reject my request. I took it up as a challenge and asked him to start the game,” said Rajesh.

“First thing he asked me was to tell what I thought about him and his talent. As visa was my priority, I bullshitted and got through the first round. Then, he asked me to develop a defect free module in Hadoop, giving me just 2 days, for a technology which everyone thinks the whole world is using but no one knows ‘exactly’ beyond google search articles,” he added.

“I’m a regular guy who hasn’t even blogged one technical solution in his life. So, this was going to be difficult for me. As I knew I would lose this round, I asked him to extract another truth from me. He then asked me to describe in a few sentences the reason behind my onsite aspiration. I honored his request and gave him a candid response,” said Rajesh with a straight face.

“Why does everyone want to go onsite these days? The truth is quite simple. Every onsite aspirant is a location update aspirant too. The joy of getting likes on Facebook after updating your location to a foreign country is unmatchable. If there was any other purpose of going onsite, I think it would be secondary,” said Rajesh as he continued to explain what happened next.

“Impressed with the frankness in my answer, my boss immediately approved the visa request. I hope that the consulate too approves my visa and I update my location after that. Waiting for the moment,” Rajesh ended with a dreamy smile on his face.

As per our sources, Facebook location updates have been receiving a lot of social acceptance, with a minimum of 200 likes, even if the aspirant has only 100 friends on Facebook.