Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Cigarette sales on the rise as youngsters try to beat the stress of No Smoking resolution

Delhi: Just like every year, No smoking resolutions were again topping the charts on 1^st of January but the records show that cigarette sales have actually gone up recently. Youngsters were finally valuing their lungs, although liver for them is still an ignored organ. Social media and WhatsApp statuses were flooded with anti-smoking messages and resolutions.

Highest selling poster every New Year

While all these sounds very encouraging, it is shocking to see the rise in sale of cigarettes across the nation after the New Year eve. Some blamed it on increasing population, which continuously increases the number of new smokers. Some even blamed the increased number of outlets selling the nicotine stick which results in increased access for the youth.

However, the actual data revealed by the Tobacco industry shows that the people who took the difficult resolution were the ones responsible for increase in sale. A survey was carried out which revealed that youngsters are so stressed out in their pursuit of clean lungs, that they have actually increased their smoking. This showed that the smoke released per sq. meter in India is on a rise due to the New Year resolution.

“Every time I see the ‘No Smoking’ poster on my work table, I go out to smoke a cigarette saying to myself that this is the last one. I even watched No Smoking film as well hoping that this film will help me quit but that film gave me so much stress that I ended up smoking a pack during the film”, a 27 yrs old Nishant told us. Nishant is among the millions who had “Quit Smoking” as their resolution for 2016.

However parents, girlfriends, in-laws, nonsmoking friends have promised that they will not force their near and dear ones to take up the anti-smoking resolution next year.

Meanwhile, Cigarette companies are promoting the no-smoking campaigns, knowing that such campaigns will eventually result in more smoking.

*Cigarette smoking is injurious to health, QUIT!

@Anti_Rational

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Shahid Afridi asks team members to disclose whether they are batsman, bowler or nothing

Dhaka: Shahid Afridi is livid after seeing the way his batsmen capitulated against India during the Asia cup encounter. There was nothing in the performance for him to say even once that “Boys played well”. He could only say “Boy played well” for Mohammad Amir.

O bhai bowler ho ya batsman

While speaking to us after the match he said, “I can understand this kind of performance if it was a world cup match, we are used to losing to India there but it wasn’t. I told my boys repeatedly before the match that this is Asia cup, not world cup. There should not have been any confusion as this was told repeatedly in Urdu by me as well as by my coaching staf. Waqar Younis bhai even used abusive Punjabi to ensure everyone understand but totally useless.”

Furthermore, Afridi said, “Few days back Under 19 world cup was played here in Bangladesh where India thrashed us because I was not leading that Under 19 team. I sacrificed my place in that team to lead the seniors here but looks like I was better off leading that team as they had a couple of good batsmen at least. I proudly told during the toss that we have 7 batsmen but not 1 showed that they can bat.”

“Looking at our performance today, I am confused who are the batsmen in my team. It seems some bowlers who thought they will not get a chance in our strong bowling unit, have applied as batsmen. Now for the sake of Pakistan cricket all those who batted today must disclose their true identity before our all-important match against UAE on Monday.”

“My simple question to all, please disclose whether you are you a batsman or nothing? By nothing means, you are neither batsman nor bowler. As all us do not know fielding, one has to consider himself nothing if you do not have one of these two skills”, said Afridi as he walked away to announce his latest retirement.

Sanjay Dutt mistakenly returns to Yerwada Jail thinking he was on Parole

Pune: In a strange incident today Sanjay Dutt, who was released from Yerwada jail on February 25 returned to jail by mistake. He forgot that he was released permanently after completing his prison term following his conviction under the Arms act . He thought he was on Parole and his parole duration was over.

Police stopping Sanjay Dutt from returning to Yerwada

On reaching Yerwada jail, he started suspecting that something is wrong because he did not find any media at the jail entrance requesting last minute selfies with him. He contacted jail superintendent who reminded him that he was not out on parole but was released permanently.

On learning that Sanjay Dutt has come back to Yerwada jail, media rushed to Yerwada jail and started questioning him. On being asked what he is doing here Sanjay said, “I have been out of this jail on so many paroles and I was so used to leaving and returning to this place that I thought I was out on parole and have to return. I forgot that I don’t need more paroles”

Sanjay Dutt’s doctor confirmed later in the day that Sanjay’s memory is all good and he is not suffering from any problem. This was just a case of normal human behavior. “Just like we always return home in the evening after doing work at office, Sanjay also returned to jail as he was habitual of this on account of numerous paroles”, his doctor explained.

Yerwada jail superintendent, Yashwant Chate said, “Sanjay was always a visitor here and never a prisoner. Today also he just visited us. I don’t know what the issue is.”

Mahesh Bhatt who claims to have understood life said, “Celebrities always do things differently and are very impulsive. Even if they are serving the jail sentence they are not expected to serve the sentence like normal people will do. Hence, Sanjay served it differently by taking breaks during his imprisonment. This was just a continuation of his good behaviour.”

Meanwhile, Sanjay’s friend and filmmaker Rajkumar Hirani described the event as “Chemical locha in Sanjay’s mind”

Friday, February 26, 2016

Govt to build special “Fight parking” in the middle of roads to assist people fighting in traffic

New Delhi: In a move that could ensure smooth fights in the middle of a busy road, government has announced special bike parking area in the middle of roads to assist commuters who pick up fights with others while in traffic.

People enjoying their fights after parking their vehicles

These parking zones will be there at every 100 Meters where people can park the vehicle and finish the fight they picked up while in traffic. This news has indeed brought smiles on the faces of many who love to swear at other drivers on the road. Now in addition to verbal assault, they can conveniently stop and initiate physical attacks too.

Faking News spoke to a wide variety of commuters to know their reactions. Most of them were very happy with this development. Temper Kumar, a 26-years old merchant said, “Swearing at auto walas with 50 kgs of load on both sides of my scooter is a very difficult job. As soon as I raise my hand towards them to threaten them, my balance goes off and I fall down. With this special parking in the middle of the road, I can first park and then get even with the auto wala.”

“I had once parked my Activa in the middle of the road to argue with a bus-driver who came in my way. I was travelling in the wrong direction when he refused to give me the way and hurt my ego. I stopped there and then and got into a heated argument with the driver and was about to punch him when I saw Police towing my scooter. If there was fight parking area at that time, I wouldn’t have had to collect my vehicle from the police station next day. Der aaye durust aaye!”, said Ahankaar, a real estate broker.

Ruchi, a 23 year old student from Bangalore said, “I’m glad there will be a special parking area on roads for those who want to fight. This way traffic on the pavement where I generally drive wouldn’t get disturbed.”

Sources say that government has temporarily stopped building the highways for a higher cause i.e., designating fight parking areas on important roads of commute.

Indians not watching India vs Pakistan T20 live will be declared as Anti-national : Cricket Enthusiast MLA

Mumbai: Jumping on the bandwagon of Nationalist-Anti-Nationalist debate in India, a Local MLA has announced that anyone not watching India-Pakistan match in the Asia cup will be declared an Anti-Nationalist and sent to Pakistan.

Watch it live or watch yourself go to Pakistan

Showing his patriotism for the country, the MLA (Name withheld for security reasons) announced that all the Indians who would be busy with work or domestic chores or any other work, will be tagged as Anti-Nationals and he will file a police complaint for sedition.

India takes on Pakistan in their second match of Asia Cup in Dhaka later tonight.

The super-excited MLA, who holds the world record for participating in maximum number of agitations resulting in cancellation of Pakistani Artists’ events in India, got carried away by the enthusiasm for the high voltage clash between the two neighbors.

Speaking to Faking News, the MLA said, “All the nationalists must come together and support our country. If you aren’t watching India play Pakistan then you are an Anti-Nationalist. Everyone must upload pics of their TV screen on social media as proof that they were indeed watching the match. People who aren’t active on any social media platform must watch it at full volume so that their neighbors can confirm their nationalism.”

“There has been a massive debate in the country over who is a nationalist and who is not after the recent events at JNU in Delhi. This is a simple test to identify nationalists. Hopefully, the country will honour me with Bharat Ratna for coming up with this brilliant idea”, the MLA went on to add.

Meanwhile, every news channel has sent their camera crews to JNU to film the students’ reactions during the match. If anyone claps like Munni in Bajrangi Bhaijaan after an Afridi six, it will ensure 6 more weeks of news programming as per our experts.

Gurgaon couple arrested for breaking the mandatory rule of visiting shopping mall on weekend

Gurgaon: In a shocking incident today morning, a couple Aarti and Mahesh Verma were arrested in Gurgaon for not following the mandatory Gurgaon rule for working couples, going to a shopping mall on a weekend.

Gurgaon Malls, The world is here. Where are you?

The couple was arrested after police received complaint from Society for Urban Gurgaon Sheep mentality (SUGSM).

When Faking News correspondent contacted Rachit, secretary of SUGSM for details, Rachit angrily said, “See this is nothing personal. I knew Aarti and Mahesh personally for several years. Initially Mahesh and Aarti played the part of being a Gurgaon couple very well. Mahesh was the team leader in a KPO and Aarti was an HR executive. Both were drawing 6 figure salaries. They had also booked a flat in Sohna road for which they pay EMI of 75,000 per month, they also own a mid size diesel hatchback and hate public transport. They used Acs during winters and geysers during summers, it all looked so normal.”

“They had followed the rule of going to a shopping mall and a multiplex for past 3-4 years but last weekend, they headed to Sultanpur Bird Sanctuary instead of heading towards any of the malls in Gurgaon. Who do they think they are, acting like nature lovers? Are our malls no longer good enough for them? They could have gone to Saket if Gurgaon malls were the problem but why a bird sanctuary”, Rachit fumed.

“It would still have been acceptable to the SUGSM if they went to some commercially developed resorts but this is a government park. Who goes to a government run place on a weekend? This is so disappointing. We had no option but to report this unacceptable behavior to the cops”, Rachit added.

Meanwhile, residents of Aarti and Mahesh’s housing society have supported this arrest. Society secretary, Mr Gupta said, “We have worked hard to develop this Gurgaon culture of killing individuality and making everyone a clone of each other. Anyone trying to ruin our efforts must be punished.”

Friday Faking Release: Karz (*ing Vijay Mallya)

The king of good times keeps enjoying his good times while the money that Kingfisher Airlines owes banks remains unpaid. In a deal with Diageo Plc, Vijay Mallya got $75 Million and resigned as chairman of United Spirits Ltd. Meanwhile, the status of money he owes the banks- 7,000 Crores, 17 banks, 1 willful defaulter Vijay Mallya. Will Vijay Mallya ever repay the loans to banks? Will he continue to enjoy his life while banks keep twiddling their thumbs? To find out, watch our Friday Faking Release- Karz