Monday, July 27, 2015

Dharavi man wants to know if the selfie he took while pooping at railway track qualifies as washroom selfie

Mumbai. Facing immense peer pressure for quite sometime now, Pakya, a 31 year old man from Dharavi, regular visitor at railway tracks nearby, wonders if the pic he took of himself while pooping near Dadar station qualifies as washroom selfie.

The selfie which he posted with caption #SelfieWithDadar has so far received 45 ‘marked for nudity spam’ requests and resulted in 24 unfriends for Pakya.

Pakya in action.

Pakya in action.

“I have an FB account for last 2 years now and have seen whole lot of my friends living in posh localities of Bandra, Juhu, Colaba etc posting selfies taken by them in what they call their washroom selfies,” Pakya explained what led him to click such a selfie.

“First I found it odd but then I thought maybe it was mandatory to click and post at least one such photo otherwise FB suspends your account after sometime. So I decided to click one of my own,” he went on to explain.

“Since I cannot afford going to discs, pubs, bars, restaurants etc nor do I have a toilet at home, I thought of clicking a photo at railway tracks,” he argued, “And thought I ll go a step further and click and post one in action. Maybe FB will reward me by getting all my pending requests to nearby slum girls in Kurla accepted for being proactive and innovative.”

Now finding in midst of his account getting suspended, Pakya wonders what was wrong with the selfie and if it qualifies as washroom selfie or he needs to a public toilet somewhere to click one.

Meanwhile Pakya has already bought a drill machine home to punch his cheeks from both sides to get a perfect pout selfie.

Ten things that you can learn from Baahubali movie

Baahubali, which was released a fortnight ago worldwide and had won many laurels, is not just a brilliant movie with hair-raising graphic scenes. The movie has many inner meanings that can be visible to you, only if you read this article before you go to watch it. You can also read this, if you have already watched it. We have listed ten things that can be learnt from Baahubali (includes the reason why Katappa killed Baahubali):

1-You can climb a mountain with bare hands, if you go behind a girl: The character Sivu, played by young Prabhas, tries to scale the mountain for years, yet he slips and falls down without breaking any bones or muscle tear. But, one day, he gets hold of a mask and is confident that the mask belongs to a girl and is highly confident that the girl looks like Tamannah (because they won’t cast not so good-looking girls in movies). Eager to meet the owner of mask and lured by a pretty Tamannah, he climbs the mountain with just bare hands. That is why, our Indian boys and men go behind girls but sadly, they could not even climb prison walls with bare hands after that.

The common men of Mahishmathi are not fools. With this image, they are shouting that 'Baahubali - Ballala same same' and 'Baahubali ke hath, Ballala ke saath'. Not only that, they also say that Baahubali is a Sivagami agent

The common man of Mahishmathi is not a fool. With this image, the people are shouting ‘Baahubali – Ballala same same’ and ‘Baahubali ka hath, Ballala ke saath’. Not only that, they also say that Baahubali is a Sivagami agent

2-You can move Hindu places of worship but other’s become disputed properties: Before he gets hold of the mask, Sivu moves a huge and heavy ShivLingam from its fixed place to the bottom of waterfall. Though he claims that he did it for his mother, you should dig deep to find out the hidden truth. If it was a place of worship belonging to a religion other than Hinduism, the movie till then would had been showed repeatedly in newsreels with future politicians asking for death sentence of Sivu whenever anyone else is hanged. Moreover, it would have become a disputed property.

3-You can change an ‘ugly looking girl’ to a ‘pretty looking girl’ by fighting with her: Normally, most of the couple fights start because the woman takes time to do make up and the impatient husband blows it out of proportion. But, in this movie, Sivu changes Tamannah, who looks like her original self, to a Tamannah that we see in screen, by not being a Shahnaz Hussain, but by fighting with her. If only fighting can make a girl look good, then every man would be a fashion expert.

4-Lower caste Hindus were uplifted by Islamic rulers: In the scene where Aslam Khan tries to sell weapons to Katappa, impressed by the bravery of the latter, Khan invites to work with him. But Kattappa denies and desires to live as slave to people from upper caste. This is a double entendre – one that Muslims tried to uplift lower caste Hindus which is now being altered in history books by fringe saffron elements and second, the cruelty of caste system in Hinduism. This solves the mystery of why Katappa killed Baahubali – it was a natural reaction to systematic oppression for thousands of years.

5-You can win an army four times its size even with poorly equipped ammunition: All through the movie, Sivu and his doppelganger father Baahubali, break the arrows and swords of the Mahishmathi kingdom. But they face the war with similar ammunition and similar set of infantry and win it. This is a gentle reminder to our defense skeptics out there who blame our weaponry shortage. Not only this, Mahishmathi’s army follows a strategy codenamed Operation Trishul. No marks to person who can search Operation Trishul in Google and relate the targets in both.

6-When someone invades your place, shut up and get killed: Baahubali and BallalaDeva tried to show off their 56-inch chest by trying to kill the Kalakeya king, but they lost a lot of their people in the battle. Imagine the widowed wives of soldiers and orphaned children. Do they really need such offensive? If only they weren’t fueled by the current surging Hindutva ignited by the likes of Swamy, Batra and Rajiv Malhotra, they would have stayed within their forts and welcomed the invading armies with open hands and necks. History would have been easier, with future school students of Mahishmathi not wasting their brain space by reading much about Baahubali or Ballala.

7-You can kill an endangered species and still remain a Hero: In the introduction scene of BallalaDeva, he fights and kills an endangered species, or atleast, we can say it is. Even after he kills it in open view, the ministers applaud his act and praise him. If Ballala was ever tried in a court for this crime, we can be sure that BallalaWood (Mahishmathi’s film industry) would have backed him and even would have bought his brand garments – ‘Being Balls’.

8-Only Upper class Hindu males Baahubali and Ballala grow in size, while women shrink: Avanthika is slim and tired, Devasena is tortured, Sivagami is chasen away and killed. But, Baahubali, Ballala and other upper class men in the kingdom grow into six feet hunks. Is this not something that Christine Lagarde must be worried of? Happens only in Modi’s India.

9-Proof that Sivu is a BJP agent: In the statue installation scene, the frenzied crowd chants Baahubali name instead of Ballala, whose statue is being raised. The chant was initiated by Sivu and by the similar modus operandi, it is clear that he had followed the footsteps of BJP. Remember the rally where people chanted Modi’s name, when Hooda was speaking. Clear proof that Sivu is a BJP agent sent to confuse aam aadmis of Mahishmathi.

10-Baahubali’s character is inspired from Rahul Gandhi: Baahubali is sympathetic of the poor, eats food with lower class people (Katappa), unmarried till he is married, has beard and is the son of the empress. The director himself has not said that ‘Baahubali is a reel life image of Rahul Gandhi’. But we don’t need much brain to guess it. By the way, we already knew that Rahul Gandhi is Batman.

Grammatically correct and without any typos, the tweets were not by Bhai: Salman fan

Mumbai: Salman Khan may have retracted his tweet and apologized, but the controversy surrounding his tweet refuses to die down. At the receiving end of this fiasco are millions of Salman fans who are now scavenging for excuses as to why ‘Bhai’ could have tweeted something like this.

Salman Khan after reading his own grammatically correct tweet.

Salman Khan after reading his own grammatically correct tweet.

Many fans of the superstar who previously believed that ‘bhai can do no wrong’, were shocked when news of Salman’s retraction was flashed across the media.

But majority of the fans still refuse to believe that the actor posted the controversial tweet.

Speaking to Faking News a die-hard Salman fan said, “Look at the tweet ‘1 innocent man killed is killing the humanity’. It is grammatically correct. There is no typo. Have you ever seen bhai tweet like this. It is clear that it couldn’t have been him.”

“The fact that people have understood the tweet itself tells you that it couldn’t have been Salman. The imposter seems to have done a good job though trying hard to imitate Salman’s tweeting style,” said another fan.

Salim Khan who yesterday said that his son was ‘ignorant’ clarified that he ‘meant ignorant about grammar and sentence construction’ and not social issues.

Brother Sohail Khan has however blamed the media. Questioning the media he said, “When they know bhai tweets nonsense all the time, why are they blowing it out of proportion this time. It is God’s grace that it was Sunday and that News Anchor who screams all the time was on leave.”

Meanwhile an army of Bhaitards were seen protesting outside ‘Tiger Shroff’s house after Salman tweeted ‘Get Tiger’. It was only after the cops intervened and explained that Salman meant Tiger Memon and not Tiger Shroff, did the fans calm down.

Congress elated as NASA found Earth 2.0

New Delhi: Indian National Congress has finally got a moment to breathe easy as NASA announced that they have managed to find a planet pretty similar to our very own Earth.

Sweets were distributed at various offices of INC as soon as the news surfaced that the space agency’s Kepler mission has found a planet outside solar system that may have volcanoes, oceans, sunshine and stupidity like Earth.

Rahul Gandhi is confident that he will make a comeback on Earth 2.0

Rahul Gandhi is confident that he will make a comeback on Earth 2.0

According to NASA, this new planet named Kepler 452b is about 60% larger than the Earth, gravitational pull is twice that of earth and it has a year that lasts 385 days.

Congress, which lost almost every possible election that took place in the country after Rahul Gandhi came into the picture, is finally seeing a glimpse of hope.

“Rahul Gandhi’s dream to become the PM is alive again. Here, on Earth people know how big of a knucklehead Rahul Gandhi is but we are hopeful that the people of Kepler 452b don’t. It’s just that Rahul Gandhi needs to reach there before Narendra Modi does with a selfie stick in his hand,” a senior Congress leader said on condition of anonymity.

“It’s just perfect for us. As everyone knows that Congress has enough money to move to Earth 2.0. We have capable people like Robert Vadra who can arrange land and all that. We can also take the very popular Arvind Kejriwal alongside us as he is always dying to do nothing but campaign against Narendra Modi. And look, 385 days a year, Rahul Baba will have more time for his vacations,” he further stated.

“And if we fail even there, we can easily blame the twice as much gravity for our downfalls.” He concluded.

Meanwhile, few of Congress activists are not so cheerful about it. “We will lose our jobs; I don’t know what we will do if Congress starts winning elections again. I have a family to take care of,” said one activist whose job was to bring out the ‘Priyanka lao desh bachao’ placards out of nowhere, told Faking News.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Arnab Goswami to execute Yakub Memon from his studio

Mumbai: After a series of executions of politicians, cricketers, celebrities and eminent personalities on his prime time news show, Arnab Goswami, Editor-In-Chief of Times Now has been assigned the task of executing 1993 Mumbai Blast accused Yakub Memon on July 30.

Death by listening to Arnab Goswami

Yakub Memon sentenced to ‘Death by listening to Arnab Goswami’

According to highly placed sources sources, President Pranab Mukherjee, for years now, has been an ardent admirer of Arnab’s style and articulation and how he mercilessly takes everyone’s case. At 11:30 AM on Friday, Arnab received a call from the President who informed him about the task.

“I was surprised and honoured at the same time…One sec <shouts at someone>.  I am no executioner but I also stand for justice. One min <shouts and scolds someone for a minute>. I will do my utmost best to fulfil the task. Criminals must be punished. But one question still troubles me, why did it take 22 years for the judiciary to come up with a decision? The nation wants to know,” said Arnab Goswami.

The execution, however, will not be by hanging. In a first, President Pranab Mukherjee has ordered a live broadcast of the execution where Arnab Goswami will grill Yakub Memon with several questions till he draws his last breath.

“This is perhaps the most important and necessary execution in Indian history. The nation needs to watch this. A live broadcast is therefore the best way to show the world that justice always prevails. And who better to do it than the man who fires bullets from his mouth, Arnab Goswami,” said a Rashtrapati Bhavan spokesperson.

The decision of a live execution has received mixed reactions from politicians and eminent personalities. Social media sites like Twitter and Facebook were buzzing with reactions with #ArnabTheExecutioner trending No. 1 for more than 10 hours.

Arvind Kejriwal tweeted, “Arnab has an inherent quality of punishing wrongdoers. I wish he could do the same to all the corrupt people in our country,”

Well-known television journalists Rajdeep Sardesai also shared his opinion on the execution decision. “I’ve known Arnab for more than 20 years. There were times when I feared for my life while co-hosting talk shows with him. I think if Arnab is unable to kill Yakub, he will surely drive him mad,” said Rajdeep Sardesai.

Bajrangi Bhaijaan to be remade in Marathi as Maruti Bhau, to show solidarity between Maharashtra and Bihar

Mumbai: After Hindi Movie Bajrangi Bhaijaan became a runaway hit, makers of the movie are flooded with requests for remakes in different local languages. Our sources have learnt that Marathi movie industry has shown keen interest.

The plan was to show a Maharashtrian hero Maruti Bhau helping a Bihari kid to reach her home state. Producers said that the movie will give a message of national integrity. But notorious for focusing on non issues; local politician of MMS, Aaj Thackeray, quickly reacted.

Bajrangi Bhaijaan aka Maruti Bhau

Bajrangi Bhaijaan aka Maruti Bhau

He told a Hindi news channel in Marathi, “We will allow shooting in Mumbai, only if changes in script are made as per our wishes. We want Maruti Bhau in movie to help, instead of kid, a Bihari migrant worker reach his home state  safely.  Moreover we want two versions to be made,  one with a Bihari person and the other one with a UP person.”

While Aaj Thakrey was giving these views, he was interrupted by a call from KCR. KCR apparently wanted to dub this new Marathi remake in Telugu. Tentatively titled, Anjaneya Anna, movie will show a hero from Telangana helping a Andhra guy working in a software firm in Hyderabad  reach his home state  safely.

Not to be left behind in climbing the Everest of stupidity, Bhojpuri producers, inspired by two Rupee person KKR, announced their plans to make a Bhojpuri remake. Story, obviously, would be to show a Hanuman Bhaiyya helping a Marathi kid reach her home safely in Maharashtra.

If rumors are to be believed, West Bengal too, is contemplating a remake of movie. No awards for guessing the script; Bengali hero helping a Bangladeshi reach his motherland.

One of the producers told us on the conditions of anonymity, “There is huge demand from international movie industry also. Iran-Iraq wants a remake. Israelis and Palestinians want a remake. Even Hollywood wants a remake. Only issue for USA is that they are not able to zero down on one enemy country; so many of them to choose from.”

In an unrelated and unconfirmed report, right wing group VHP has expressed great pleasure in recent happening. The chief has said, “See the huge response Ghar Wapsi is getting. We told you, people love Ghar Wapsi and  it is in our national interest too.”

Analog Aadmi Party (AAP) condemns Digital India Initiative

New Delhi: Recently launched Digital India initiative, though lauded by the technology leaders of the world, has already found critics.

A protest by Analog Aadmi Party against the digital India movement.

A protest by Analog Aadmi Party against the digital India movement.

Analog Aadmi Party (AAP) has strongly condemned Digital India initiative terming it as classist and a disguised way of helping industrialists manufacturing digital equipment. They said this will only help rich people as common man still uses analog equipments like analog watches and radio.

Paparika Josh, a journalist world famous in India, came out with a tweet suggesting Government should have at least started Analog India initiative to maintain electronic fabric of India.

Bakshi Maharaj, a ruling party MP, strongly came out in support of the initiative stating that those who do not believe in digital should leave India. India was always a digital nation and will remain so.

Meanwhile, Kayawati has demanded reservations in jobs and education for those who still use analog equipments citing disproportionate investments in development of Digital Technologies as compared to Analog technologies.

Kayam Yadav has complained to Minority Commission, citing trampling on Analog enthusiast’s rights by the digital majority. He says only majority will benefit from this initiative.

Rahul Aandhi has put two conditions of supporting the initiative, first and foremost Chhota Bheem should be converted to digital format and second, Right to Digital should be passed in parliament give subsidies on iPhones to the poor people.

Ketan Fagat, world disowned writer, has said digital India will lead to increased pornography consumption. Anybody using digital technology is mostly male and frustrated and cannot get hands on even a half-girlfriend. These males will use digital technology to overcompensate their lack of social skills.

In another incident, an Analog extremist blew up a Digital store to record his protest. Analog timers were used for the act but Analog association says this act has nothing to do with Analog technology.

All these strong reactions highlight the divisive impact of Digital agenda. Embracing a technology with only two options 0 and 1 shows autocratic ‘my way or highway ideology’. It undermines the contribution of the all inclusive Analog technology which provides a continuum of options.