Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

With its own Arab Spring, Pakistan just 50 km away from Middle East

Islamabad. As opposition leader Imran Khan along with 30,000 protesters marched towards Parliament to topple the incumbent government, Pakistan as a country has moved further close to Middle East and Maghrib, protesters claim.

Bored of being in comparatively not-so-Arab South Asia, Pakistan has always been eager to achieve this feat, either through mix of dictatorship and political unrest or through adoption of Arabic culture.

Protesters pushing Pakistani things towards middle east.

“Now, Pakistan is just 50 km away from its dream destination,” roared Imran Khan while addressing protesters at the heavily-guarded ‘Red Zone’ in the capital.

The cricketer turned politician further clarified that by 50 km, he didn’t exactly mean physical location, but figurative distance. Although he wouldn’t mind Pakistan physically being relocated in the Middle East, he clarified.

“I can’t say how much excited I am with the idea of a Tahrir Square type uprising here in Pakistan itself. It’s like we have lifted Pakistan and put it somewhere in gulf region,” said supercharged Imran, adding that the feeling of being like an Arab nation can’t be expressed in words.

“Our small step away from democracy is a big leap for Pakistan,” declared the latest hope of Pakistani.

One being pointed out that his style of revolution could as well appear inspired from the kind of protest which Anna Hazare and Kejriwal led in India, Imran flatly denied any resemblance.

“Our source of inspiration is the Middle East, not India or any other South Asian country,” he said, “And I strongly protest against any such comparison. Our party will run the government for more than 49 days!”

Meanwhile some of the supporters were seen distributing dates among protesters. “Welcome to Al Bakistan, now we will eat nothing but dates,” quipped a close aide of Imran, in a slightly Arabic accent, “Massive deforestation to create deserts, and then planting more and more palm trees are also on our cards.”

However, many protesters are still not sure how they are going to create huge oil reserves to truly be a part of the Middle East phenomenon.

Private buses to give huggies to passengers to save time wasted in loo breaks en route

Bangalore. After complaints received from passengers about buses not stopping for personal restroom related emergencies, Susuno travels, a private bus company, has decided to provide three free huggies to every passenger as soon as they board the bus.

When we asked the owner of Susuno travels, we found that it was a tactical move to save time and also to let passengers pee whenever they feel like.

Buses with eco friendly facilities.

“We are completely aware of customer needs when it comes to using the restroom during travel, so we thought why not give them an easier way to do it? After all, huggies is now 30% bigger and 40% more moisture absorbent than before,” the owner of Susuno travel told Faking News.

“Apart from giving them freedom to pee, we will be saving almost 15 minutes of time waiting for passengers to use the restroom, thus allowing us to progress much faster to our destination,” he added.

On a trial run from Bangalore to Mumbai, customers were asked to wear the huggies diaper in the back of the bus and take their seats. During traveling 12 hours non stop, customers whistled and cheered whenever they had to use their given diapers.

“I think the customers loved it,” said the driver who was on board, “Apart from the times when it was used, the entire bus was generally silent and hardly anyone moved out of their seats.”

One passenger however had technical difficulty in applying the diaper hence caused problems during the go live state.

“Arrey I never used to put diapers for my kid how would I know how to apply one for myself?” said an angry passenger, “We need someone to do a virtual demonstration like how they do in flights for fastening seat belts etc.”

Customers were also satisfied that they had no reason to fight with the drivers anymore to stop the bus for restroom emergencies, and they could now travel in peace. Some customers were also found taking selfies with their diapers on.

Susuno travels, pioneers in innovation, have already started researching ways to deal with people who snore and cause other problems for fellow passengers. The bus company has informed Faking News that more innovative designs are to follow soon.

Indian team protests inclusion of Ravi Shastri as director, say one robot Duncan Fletcher is enough

England. The announcement of Ravi Shastri as the director of Indian team for the rest of the series in England has created a wave of panic among players who were seen protesting against the decision.

The team which has been struggling to cope up with the presence of one robot i.e. Duncan Fletcher, now fears that with Shastri on board the entire team will go nuts.

Indian players further claim that reason for their poor performance is that they are hardly left with any energy after exhausting themselves trying to make out what Duncan is trying to say through his expressions or rather the lack of them.

Highly qualified robots

“It’s only after 2 years now that we have begun to understand a little bit of what Duncan is trying to convey through that stoic demeanor. Now if they thrust Shastri also on us, our career will be finished and we may lose to Sri Lanka as well,” said Rohit Sharma who holds the record for spending maximum time with Duncan, courtesy his Maggi knocks. He later asked us to edit the ‘career finished’ bit after everybody around him started laughing hysterically.

Virat Kohli who claims he had been dodging captaincy for the fear of facing Ravi after every match is now contemplating taking a break from cricket.

“I have been avoiding to become captain of the team or becoming Man of the Match awards as it would put me in front of Ravi Shastri during presentation ceremonies. I used to see how traumatized Dhoni bhai would be after chatting with him in post match presentations. He would then beat up Raina to vent out his pain as that would have therapeutic effect on him,” Kohli revealed how even Indian captain could not endure Ravi’s clichéd laden robotic manner of talking.

“Even Yash Raj’s films are not as clichéd,” Kohli pointed out.

Sources tell Faking News that the Indian team is planning to play their natural game and lose the ODI series 5-0 to ensure Sahstri being ousted immediately after the series.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Dogs getting smarter, besides ragpickers and beggars, they are now barking at engineers too

Bangalore. A study conducted by a group of scientists claims that street dogs are getting smarter with time, because besides ragpickers and beggars, they also love to bark at engineers.

Earlier, after multiple cases of dogs barking at IT professionals and engineering students were reported, local administration had formed a committee to study and analyze the reasons behind the trend.

Situation is becoming more and more hostile for engineers.

“We were afraid that dogs could chase away the professionals and IT businesses out of the city, so we decided to act,” revealed Krishna Shankaramurthy, a Karnataka government representative.

However, research shows that the problem is not specific to Bangalore.

“It’s a general behavioral change that Indian dogs are undergoing, and for some reasons they are treating engineers, ragpickers and beggars in the same way,” Mr. Shankaramurthy claimed.

Scientists say that one of the possible causes behind the dogs confusing engineering students with ragpickers could be the similarity in their bathing habits.

“It’s common for college students to not take bath for weeks. So, may be their body odor remind dogs of ragpickers,” argued Dr. Raman Gupta, head of the committee formed by the local government, adding that many engineers carry the same habit even after getting a job, which explains why dogs are barking at IT professionals.

The committee has requested engineering colleges and IT companies to issue strict orders to engineers, asking them to take bath daily and to wear neat and clean clothes.

“If appropriate measures are not taken to check this behavioral shift in dogs, days are not far when nobody would want to become an engineer,” Dr. Gupta told Faking News.

“Government should control the mushrooming engineering colleges to bring back the respect associated with this profession and companies should pay engineers well,” he suggested.

Meanwhile the report has sent shockwaves across the Indian middle class, but parents are still in no mood to give any relief to their children.

“Barking dogs seldom bites. I don’t want my son to do something else just because few dogs will bark at him,” reasoned father of a class 12th student, who has been asked to become an engineer.

Congress says Manmohan Singh too didn’t “talk” with Pak during meets, Modi has done nothing new

New Delhi. Lashing out at Modi for cancelling talks with Pakistan, Congress argued that NDA govt could have sent a message even while continuing talks.

Citing example of former PM Manmohan Singh, Congress claimed that he would participate in the talks with Pakistan, but remain mum and stoic throughout the meet, thereby wasting Pakistan delegations time and energy.

Congress showed this pic to claim how Modi has been copying Manmohan’s pose as well.

“This would ensure that talks wouldn’t happen without actually having to cancel them,” Salman Khurshid, former Minister of External Affairs explained how Dr. Singh, even at 80+, was master at trolling.

The fourth-at-Farrukhabad MP went on to reveal how with this approach Manmohan Singh was successful in keeping Pakistan busy for nothing, thereby taking their focus away from terrorism, ceasefire violations, etc. for a while.

“With Modi’s approach of no talks, there is a huge risk of Pakistan now diverting the money thus saved on our hospitality, in buying more arms and explosives,” Khurshid feared.

Crediting the leadership of Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi for coming up with talk-yet-no-talk approach, Khurshid further pointed how such a silent methodology ensured that trade between the two countries was not affected.

“Now with no talks, this will be a setback for the Ajmer tour operators and Biryani cottage industry of India,” Khurshid predicted.

Congress further accused Modi of not doing anything new and trying to be needlessly tough with Pakistan.

“There is no need to be unnecessarily aggressive and show you are potent. When BJP is trying to follow so many of our policies, why shy away from completely adopting Manmohan’s stance on foreign policies?” he asked.

“Or Modi could have simply invited Pak again, and asked them Ab aa toh gaye ho, par jaoge kaise?” quipped the former Farrukhabad MP.

Some other Congress leaders called this step as attempt to appease terrorist from across the border.

“People like Shri Hafiz Saeed janaab saab is not in favor of Indo-Pak talks. Modi is just trying to play into his hands,” party leader Digvijay Singh pointed out.

Exclusive interview of Ravi Shastri after being appointed Director of Team India

As soon as BCCI announced that Ravi Shastri would be the Director of Team India for the ODI series against England, Faking News became the first media house to interview the legendary cricketer cum commentator.

Here is how it went (please wait for the picture to load… this is going down to the wire!) :

The atmosphere was electrifying while the interview was going on.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Team India suffering from split personality disorder, foreign conditions trigger the disorder

Mumbai. Making a sensational revelation, BCCI today claimed that team India was suffering from split personality disorder (SPD), where they all start thinking themselves as kabaddi players when the alternate personality gets activated.

This disorder is triggered when they are exposed to foreign conditions, BCCI sources claim, which explains why the team struggled with playing cricket.

“They could have beaten England in kabaddi though,” a BCCI representative claimed.

“One day we will win World Kabaddi League”

“It’s a first case of SPD in the world where instead of a particular person, a whole group is showing a collective mental disorder. We are trying to get rid of it, and this defeat in England will help us with vital data for diagnostic purposes,” explained Shivlal Yadav, BCCI interim president, adding that they were trying their best to cure the problem.

“Considering the chronic nature of the disease, Lord’s win was very significant, and it shows that medication is on the right track, as we could stop the disorder in the first half of the tour,” an optimistic Mr. Yadav concluded.

BCCI has further urged that Indian cricket fans should show sympathy towards the cricket players, as in this turbulent time, love was the best medicine for them.

“They don’t need our hate, they need our care,” pleaded N. Srinivasan in an emotional emotional appeal from his India Cements office, “They are like our family members. We don’t throw away our loved ones when they are ill. They will be alright and bounce back. They will rule cricket and become super kings.”

Sources tell Faking News that doctors have warned BCCI of worse results if things weren’t controlled in the next six months.

“If things don’t improve, it’s highly probable that cricketer actually start playing kabaddi on the pitch or even gilli-danda with stumps,” feared a source close to Indian cricket team.

Sources further claim that if the situation doesn’t improve, BCCI might capitalize on the medical condition by taking control of Pro Kabaddi tournament.

“Our players are celebrities and people love to see them on screen. IPL has been good, and we could start hosting Pro Kabaddi in foreign countries to earn more money,” a BCCI official hoped seeing the condition of the Indian cricket team.