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Thursday, May 22, 2014

WhatsApp introduces Rahul Gandhi’s mysterious grin as a smiley

After Rahul Gandhi introduced a new set of emotion by displaying a mysterious smile on the election results day, WhatsApp has decided to capture that emotion and release it as a smiley.

This comes a couple of years after Rahul Gandhi was made an icon by Microsoft.

To make sure that the Rahul smiley/emoji is used in proper situations while chatting, the mobile messenger has released a set of instructions to its users. Faking News has accessed them exclusively for our readers:

The public note announcing and explaining the latest emoticon

A sample conversation that can end with the smiley

All is not within the family? No problem, Rahul Gandhi’s smiley can make it appear better.

With Rahul Gandhi smiley, you can break the worst of the news without much trouble.

Kejriwal sweats after he switches off AC and fan, AAP supporters protest across Delhi

New Delhi. AAP supporters broke into protests in the national capital after the news came that Arvind Kejriwal was sweating profusely because AC and fan in his room were not working.

Party sources claim that Kejriwal had switched off his room’s AC and fan in an attempt to feel problems of the common man this summer.

Arvind Kejriwal helping the common man

The AAP chief was soon drenched in sweat as he was wearing muffler, sweater, and had covered himself under a blanket apart from switching off the AC and the fan. Images of Kejriwal with droplets of tears trickling down his cheek was broadcast live on many TV channels, which angered many party supporters.

“This can not be tolerated!” Manoj Singh, an AAP supporter shouted, “Corrupt people are sleeping peacefully in Air Conditioned rooms and an honest man person is sweating while locked in his room. Enough is enough! We need revolution!”

Many supporters further claimed that those droplets were not sweat but Kejriwal’s tears. “His two eyes are not sufficient enough to cry for so many poor people of India, each pore of his skin is crying at the current situation of the country,” explained an AAP volunteer.

Protests by AAP were held at many parts in Delhi, while senior leaders decided that people in Delhi would be told about the hard times Kejriwal was going through.

“Are these the achchhe din Modi was talking about?” AAP leader Manish Sisodia argued, “Just because Arvind ji cares about the poor, he has to go through all this?”

Eyewitnesses tell Faking News that many protesters were carrying a drop of Kejriwal’s sweat in a bottle and showing it to the public.

“We are also asking them to give a few drops of their own sweat as mark of solidarity with our revolution,” an AAP protester confirmed while collecting sweat drops from a person stuck in the 5 km long traffic jam caused by AAP protest.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Pics: Real reason why Arvind Kejriwal got arrested

AAP leader Arvind Kejriwal was sent to judicial custody earlier today. AAP leaders are claiming that he was victimized because he called BJP leader Nitin Gadari a corrupt person.

We tried to figure out why Kejriwal was sent to jail, and our sources suggest that following is similar to what actually happened:

Kejriwal did call Nitin Gadkari a corrupt person. He publicized the allegations widely.

He was taken to jail for breaking the law and not following proper procedures.

AAP leaders protested against the arrest and wondered how could criticizing Gadkari be a crime.

The law that was broken, and due to which Kejriwal was arrested.

AAP to distribute sorry cards, Kejriwal says Delhiites are big hearted and they will forgive him

New Delhi. After apologizing for quitting as Chief Minister of Delhi, AAP supremo Arvind Kejriwal has expressed confidence that Delhiites would forgive him as they were big hearted.

“Dilli dilwalon ka shahar hai ji, they don’t hold grudges in heart, they will embrace us with open arms,” said a confident Kejriwal while addressing a press conference in Delhi.

One of the sorry cards.

To make sure that this milk of human kindness flows as freely as allegation of corruption flow from the party, AAP has decided to distribute sorry cards and eclairs toffees across all the constituencies of Delhi.

“We can’t give chocolates full of dry fruits or imported cocoa, we are chhota aadmi,” an AAP supporter explained the party’s “toffee model”.

Unconfirmed sources tell Faking News that apart from saying sorry and giving toffees, AAP leaders will punish themselves by slapping each other – an act that is expected to help them gain sympathy from the public.

“Senior leaders will decide on the frequency or the intensity,” an AAP member responded when asked about the slapping plans.

Post such steps, the party is hopeful of winning support of the common man.

“AAP represents the common man, and we believe that they should not face any problem in forgiving themselves,” Arvind Kejriwal said, “yeh hum nahi, junta maafi maag rahi hai.”

Meanwhile, to convince people that he was indeed feeling sorry for his resignation act, Kejriwal has decided to get himself imprisoned.

Congress to archive 7 RCR and Akash Tablet after archiving PMOIndia Twitter handle

New Delhi. After archiving the Twitter handle of the outgoing Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh, Congress has now decided to archive a few more things before the new government takes over and spoils the gems.

Sources tell Faking News that Congress is now in the process of archiving 7 Race Course Road, the official residence of Dr. Manmohan Singh. The residence would be archived as a memorial. Apparently, this is also being done under the RTI act, which makes it mandatory to preserve every piece of communication related to the Prime Minister.

“7 RCR is the home to everything Dr. Singh ever said or never said. While his speeches and tweets have been archived, we wondered how to archive his silence. While we were silently staring at the walls of the PM’s house, we got this idea. We decided to convert 7 RCR in to ‘A Silent House’ – a tribute to Dr. Singh’s legacy,” PM’s media adviser Pankaj Pachauri explained.

A marvel that needs to be preserved.

“Silence is golden, and it should be archived. Why should we part away with Gold so easily,” he further explained the need to archive 7 RCR.

Congress party sources say that the proposal of archiving 7 RCR was given green signal by the high command after Dr. Singh took the blame for party’s horrible performance in the just concluded general elections.

When this reporter asked if this violated accepted norms of propriety, Mr. Pachauri laughed off the allegations and instead argued that it rather conformed to the accepted traditions.

“This is not a new practice. Please recall that Teen Murti Bhawan, the residence of the first Prime Minister of India, was converted into a memorial. The same was done to Indira ji’s residence. We could have done the same for Rajiv ji’s residence too, but the VP Singh government spoiled the tradition,” Pachauri pointed out to the long history of “archiving” assets during Congress regimes.

“It’s really funny that people are outraging over a Twitter account while we have archived much bigger things before,” he added.

Apart from the Twitter account and the residence of the Prime Minister, one more thing that Congress has decided to archive is the Akash Tablet. Party claims that the tablet was a revolution in technology achieved under the leadership of Rahul Gandhi. Top Congress leaders fear that if not archived, Modi may tamper with its technology and kill the product.

“On Twitter, our PM earned millions of followers due to his prolific tweets and intellectually unmatchable condemnations. We decided to archive as Narendra Modi would have got those followers for free. Similarly, Akash Tablet is a marvel in technology and we can’t allow the Modi government to take all the credits without doing any hard word,” Kapil Sibal argued.

Meanwhile BJP supporters, who were already busy outraging over archiving of the @PMOIndia Twitter handle, further rose their pitch when the news of archiving of Akash Tablet started gathering momentum.

“This is frustration at its peak and totally unethical and illegal behavior! How can they archive Akash Tablet, which is our national asset? What if NaMo falls ill? Which tablet will he swallow then?” a Modi supporter demanded to know.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Congress claims Modi used glycerine to make himself cry; BJP still a party with kattar soch

Delhi. Soon after Modi’s emotional breakdown at BJP parliamentary party meet, Congress blamed that BJP’s PM candidate used glycerine to make himself cry, and that the saffron party was still a party with kattar soch.

“It’s impossible for BJP leaders to make themselves cry. Crying requires very large and soft heart, but BJP can’t do politics of love and care,” said Rahul Gandhi making the first political attack after Lok Sabha results, “Our sources have revealed that Kirron Kher had supplied glycerine to Modi and she even taught him how to cry.”

As per Congress, Modi intentionally bowed down his head to hide his smile.

“If you want to see what real crying is, see my mother. She prefers to cry alone for the safety of others. She cried after Batla House encounter, she cried after I was given bigger role, and in general she gets upset with things troubling the aam aadmi. She never needs glycerine, she cries from heart,” an emotional Rahul added, smiling. It was unclear why he was smiling.

Many Congress leaders echoed Rahul’s sentiments, and claimed that Modi’s tears were fake.

“Feku, feku,” argued party spokesman Sanjay Jha.

Congress has further demanded a forensic test of Modi’s tears and a CBI probe into the whole matter.

“Lab report of his tears is going to prove that Modi manipulated his eyes and played with sentiments of the country,” said veteran Congress leader Digvijay Singh, “His tears lacked emotions. Tears without emotions is like Congress without Rahul Ji.”

Digvijay Singh went on to claim that apart from fake tears, Modi had doped LK Advani to make him propose his name for PM post. “In normal case, Advani would have never proposed his name with with such an emotion. This whole parliamentary party meet was chemically orchestrated to suit Modi’s agenda,” claimed Digvijay Singh, hinting at some chemical locha.

Outgoing Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh too attacked the incoming Prime Minister for such public display of emotions.

“PM should be able to control his emotions, like I did,” said Manmohan Singh while giving a piece of advice to Modi, “In the last 10 years, I never shed a single drop of tear. It passes wrong message to the opposition and the international community.”

Samajwadi Party blames no election in jails as reason for poor performance

Lucknow. Still recovering from the shockingly poor performance in just concluded Lok Sabha elections, Samajwadi Party today cited that the only reason they suffered such a massive defeat was because convicts and prisoners in the country were not allowed to vote.

The party arrived at this conclusion after an extensive post election assessment meet yesterday. The party which had earlier booked a huge conference hall for an all MP meet, later decided to have that meeting with all 4 MPs who won in a car instead.

Stalwarts whose efforts failed to translate into vote for SP.

Claiming they would have swept elections had they been held only in jails and mental hospitals across the country, Samajwadi Party spokesperson Gaurav Bhatia lashed out at Election Commission, accusing them of being extremely biased in their approach throughout.

“Our leaders Mulayam ji and Abu Azmi ji worked their ass off to polarize criminals and rapists in the society with their speeches and then you find there are no poll booths in jails and criminals in our country have no rights to vote. This is disgusting and shameful on EC’s part,” Bhatia thundered.

“And then we were also deprived of the services of Azam Khan ji who was starting to gather some momentum in garnering votes of criminals who are at large,” Bhatia further highlighted partiality of EC which had banned Azam.

SP leaders however conceded that not all criminals in the society voted for and their vote got split especially in UP where there were several parties who seemed to be wooing them.

“We may have failed to reach out to all of them,” Irfan Solanki an upcoming criminal in the party claimed.

Denying charges that their party resorts to criminal appeasement, SP supreme Mulayam Singh warned budding criminals of dark days ahead.

“The upcoming govt is going to be a disaster for rapists, murdrers and other offenders. Besides SP, there is no other party which cares for criminals like us,” Mulayam told Faking News.

“We still appeal to all criminal forces to join hands and defeat non-criminal forces in future elections,” he added before signing off.