Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Vijay Mallya to perform at IPL opening ceremony to earn some money

Kolkata. Chairman of is-it-bankrupt-yet Kingfisher Airlines and owner of the IPL team Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB), Vijay Mallya is all set to perform at the IPL opening ceremony tonight, apparently to earn some money.

Mallya will use the money thus earned to pay off part of the pending salaries to Kingfisher Airlines employees, who have threatened to stop IPL matches featuring RCB if their dues were not cleared.

“Dr. Mallya and Sid have been keenly following Farah Khan on TV and have learnt the ‘dil jumping jepang jumpak jumpak’ dance steps by heart,” a source confirmed.

The performance by the father-son duo was originally planned as a surprise item during the opening ceremony, but sources leaked the information to Faking News.

Sources further reveal that the Mallyas agreed to perform for money so that the Kingfisher Airlines employees start believing that the family is really suffering and is short of cash.

“Earlier they had requested Justice Katju to write a letter highlighting their sufferings, but Katju declined to help as the matter was not political enough,” a source disclosed.

Unconfirmed sources tell Faking News that Sajid Khan is another surprise that IPL opening ceremony might throw up.

“He will join his sister in promoting IPL by telling people to watch T20 matches else they would be sent DVDs of Himmatwala at their homes,” an unreliable source claimed.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Denied onsite for 4 years, IT Analyst finally switches job

Pune. After 4 years of false hopes of “onsite” from his manager, IT Analyst Vijay Kumar finally realized, on April Fools’ Day, that he had been fooled all these years. Without wasting more time, Vijay put his papers earlier today making it the best Monday of his career.

Vijay, previously working with TCS, has now switched over to Infosys after being promised an onsite immediately, from where he has been sent to Bangladesh already.

“We came to know that he always had his bags packed for an onsite assignment, but that moment never arrived. When was asked if he’d go to Bangladesh, he asked when the first flight departs,” an Infosys HR manager confirmed.

An IT sector’s representation of onsite opportunity

Vijay is too excited about his new assignment and is busy posting pictures of his new office in Dhaka.

“I know they’ve all seen those pictures but they won’t like or comment on it because they are jealous and busy killing flies and cockroaches in Indian offices,” claimed a victorious Vijay when he spoke to this Faking News reporter through Skype.

Vijay emotionally recalled how he was on the verge of going to China once. He went on to read about Chinese culture and even practiced eating noodles with chopsticks, but the manager changed his mind at the nth moment gave this opportunity to a less deserving Vivek, who Vijay claimed had been trained by him.

“I hadn’t felt so humiliated before. But not anymore. Days of misery are over!” exclaimed an ecstatic Vijay.

Shashank, Vijay’s ex-teammate recalls how they had a gala time making fun of him and spreading gags like “Modi will get a US visa before Vijay”.

“We have confirmed reports that Vijay had gone to a soothsayer to find out when he will get an onsite,” grinned Shashank, “Looks like he went to Banga Bengali! Bangladesh… hahahaha…”

Vijay’s manager Rama Krishna, or RK as he is commonly known, remarked, “We have already found a replacement – Rajesh, who is sincere and willing to do my excel work and assignments just to get an onsite.”

Rajesh was not available for comments as he was busy preparing RK’s presentation for the next client meeting and googling beautiful images of Europe where he hopes to go for an onsite.

Indian news channels request North Korea to postpone war till they find a Korean expert

New Delhi. Indian news channels have sent a request to North Korean premier Kim Jong Un to hold off any possible war with South Korea till they find a person who can pass off as a North Korean expert on their 9 PM debates.

The letter signed by heads of Times Now, CNN IBN, NDTV, and Headlines Today channels was dispatched via speed-post earlier today and is expected to reach Pyongyang by the end of the year.

One of the prospective TV experts said “Gangnam Style?” when he was shown this photo of Kim Jong Un, our sources confirm.

Speaking to Faking News on the condition of anonymity, a news anchor said, “We have been trying to avoid this problem in Korean peninsula right now but in case of a full-fledged war, the issue may become unavoidable. For that scenario, we need to have an expert panel ready and as of now; we don’t have anyone who knows squat about Korea, North or South. If Kim Jong Un can delay the war just for a few days, I am sure we can find an expert or train someone to act like one anyway.”

“We can’t repeat what we did in the Italian marines’ case where we paraded the first Italian we found on Twitter as the leading political expert from Italy as there is nobody from North Korea on Twitter. We may try to get in touch with Dennis Rodman but we assume he will be busy with CNN,” the news anchor added.

When we asked why they don’t use the usual suspects who are ‘experts’ on every topic, the news anchor said “Every time we mention Korea in front of them, they straight away start comparing Samsung with iPhone. We will use them for our technology debates but for a war, they are useless.”

As per sources, it took a few hours for the news channels to agree on this letter as Editor-in-Chief of one news channel did not feel the need for any such letter. Reportedly, the earlier mentioned Editor-in-Chief said, “I can have 7 cardboard cutouts along with Maroof Raza and conduct the debate on any war. Nobody will even know the difference from our usual programming.”

However, after much persuasion he agreed to sign this letter, triggering celebrations across the news channels.

When we asked why should Kim Jong Un listen to Indian news channels, the news anchor said, “Poochne me kya jaata hai?”

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Beni Prasad Verma (as seen by Samajwadi Party)

Samajwadi Party says he smokes weed. In fact, he smuggles them (source)

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Lashkar-e-Sajid owns up responsibility for Himmatwala

Mumbai. A hitherto unknown militant outfit Lashkar-e-Sajid has today claimed responsibility for the newly released film Himmatwala, which has claimed 30 lives due to unbearable torture and mentally deranged more than 1000 people so far.

This outfit was also responsible for previously released Housefull franchise, the after-effects of which India is yet to recover from, but this is the first time they have come out in open taking responsibility.

Suspected mastermind of the ruthless attack

Though the motives of this outfit are still not clear, there are intelligence reports of similar attacks being planned in coming weeks through their allied outfits Jaish-e-Shirish and Al-Farah.

“They don’t target specific areas, and appear to believe in carpet bombing,” Mumbai Police Commissioner disclosed the modus-operandi of the groups, “We are finding it tough how to identify their hideouts as they could be anywhere.”

Mumbai Police sources say that they are trying to find out if these outfits are part of some bigger known militant outfits like Bakchodi-ul-RGV and Chutiyaap-e-Rohit-Shetty.

Due to unprecedented death toll and pressure from moviegoers, Home Ministry has also swung into action and has promised that the movie won’t be allowed to release on television as it could maul millions of Indians and push the country into a mental deficit.

“There is definitely an RSS conspiracy behind such movies and Sajid Khan is 100% RSS agent as the poster of Himmatwala has a Saffron colored tiger in it. Presence of Ajay Devgn also proves RSS hand as the actor had hosted Google Hangout for Narendra Modi,” claimed congress leader Digvijay Singh.

While Human Rights activists have hailed Digvijay Singh’s statement, Animal Rights activists have asked him to shut up as the latest reports suggest that the tiger in Himmatwala is suffering from depression after he was shown the movie post production.

Away from all the controversies, Indian government has bestowed Sajid Khan with National Award for making the Best Film in “Wholesome Chutiyapa” category.

A teary eyed Sajid said that this was an inspiration and acknowledgement of his service to movie making, and has vowed not to stop making films until directors like Kanti Shah start looking like Satyajit Ray in comparison.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Men organize business meeting outside trial room while their wives try clothes

Mumbai. Tired of waiting outside the trial rooms while their wives tried clothes inside, many men have started fixing business meetings with fellow married executives, Faking News has learnt.

“We give surprises to our wives by telling them – darling, let’s go out and buy some new clothes for you – while in reality it’s a business meeting for us,” revealed a 29-year-old marketing manager with a leading FMCG brand.

The new business center

Such managers, who have earlier spent hours waiting while their wives tried to shortlist the final six pieces of garments out of which only one were to be finally bought, are now synchronizing their shopping schedule to make sure their respective wives go inside the trial rooms at the same time.

“We take small breaks from our meeting, lasting a few seconds, to nod or shake our heads when our wives come out to ask us if a particular piece of suit is looking good at them, and we resume our meeting when they go to try another dress,” the manager disclosed the modus operandi.

“No, it’s not necessary that we reject the first tried dress by our wives to prolong their trial session and thus our business meeting,” the manager claimed, “Even if we say the dress is looking good, they invariably try other dresses and compare all of them.”

Justifying this “cheating” in relationship, the managers say that they had no other option.

“Look, it’s not cheating at all,” protested a husband/manager, “In fact, if we have no business meeting, sometimes we end up checking out other women trying clothes. So we are essentially minimizing the risk of cheating!”

While wives refused to react over the development as they were very happy with their husbands, the Government of India has taken cognizance of the whole matter.

“These men may not be cheating their wives, but they are cheating the government,” a senior Income Tax officer claimed, “They are using these shopping centers as business centers and not paying any service tax!”

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Justice Katju starts his own e-commerce venture

New Delhi. Continuing with stuff that don’t make sense at all, Justice Katju today announced that he will soon start his own e-commerce venture – 99Katju.com

The announcement by Katju has shocked most industry watchers and experts, who thought that India was about to see an e-commerce bust with many leading players losing money fast.

Justice Katju brimming with confidence about success of his latest venture

“I think this is another step by Katju where he’s trying to prove his expertise in a field where he might not have any,” claimed an investor who recently wrote off millions invested in an e-commerce company.

When asked to explain the rationale behind his decision, Justice Katju told Faking New, “Article 19 of the Indian constitution grants everyone the right to practice any profession, or to carry on any occupation, trade or business; who are you to deny me this right?”

Our reporter clarified that no one was denying any rights or freedom to him, and we just wanted to understand what logic he had applied before taking a decision.

“See, William Shakespeare had said – we work by wit and not by witchcraft – you must have read Othello, right?” Katju confused this reporter who tried to find a connection.

“You won’t get it. That’s why we need a minimum qualification for being journalists,” he said and went on to launch his e-commerce website.

The nation now awaits the next step by the former judge of the Supreme Court.