Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Arnab wants Ajit Doval to be specific over which media outlet entertains him the most

Mumbai. Ever since National Security Advisor Ajit Doval dubbed media ‘a very interesting entertainment’ for him, all ears eyes have been on ace anchor Arnab Goswami’s reaction, who had gone berserk over Gen VK Singh’s remarks over media.

However instead of getting upset and outraging at his statements this time, Arnab was irritated that Doval did not reveal the media outlet/news channel that entertains him the most.

“Tell me that Times Now entertains you the most, Mr Doval”

Arnab has asked Doval to be specific and reveal name of that channel, hence he will by default take it to be Times Now.

“Arnab sir is very competitive by nature. He wants to be number 1 and favorite everywhere, irrespective of the category. Therefore even with Doval, he wants Times Now and his show Newshour to be his favorite,” said Arnab’s personal listener.

Arnab is however infuriated that Doval advised media to keep national interest over everything else.

“Looks like Mister Ajit Doval doesn’t watch my sermons debates. Because if he had, he would have seen how I bring national interest even in debates about performance of cricket team in world cup,” the inventor of long range Maroof Raza Missile, Arnab told Faking News.

“Here I am running out of Pakistanis to ridicule and humiliate on Newshour and Mister Ajit Doval has guts to pass out such an ignorant statement,” he pointed.

Afraid of Hindu terror, many activists seek asylum in peaceful territories such as ISIS controlled ones

Mumbai: Some leading news presenters, anchors and other liberal journalists are apparently very much afraid of looming threat of Hindu terror in the country and are submitting applications for political asylum in relatively peaceful countries such as Iraq, Syria and Afghanistan.

Activists hold a candle light march to put forth their demand.

Activists hold a candle light march to seek asylum.

Leading news presenter Jagdeesh Barjatiya wrote the following on his blog, “There is Islamic terror, but there is a Hindu terror also. Given the choice between the two I choose the global brand over local. Hence I’ll be moving to Iraq under the protection of ISIS, by end of this month. I just received an email from ISIS cyber cell that my applications for a political asylum in ISIS territory have been accepted. I will be writing for Baghdadi’s official newspaper ISIS Express once I settle there.”

“Way we have been corrected with facts on twitter by people is intolerable, I would rather stay with Taliban, and they may kill me but not correct me,” Tweeted one of the top journalists Monjolika Dutta, who has recently applied for an Afghan citizenship at Consulate of Afghanistan in Delhi.

Later talking at a charity event for widows of terrorists hanged by Indian government Miss Monjolika provided further details. “I have been to Iraq, Syria and Afghanistan for short trips. Now with stable regimes these territories are quite peaceful. More peaceful than twitter at least. More than that, no one keeps questioning your journalistic abilities in Syria, like it happens in India,” Monjolika said.

She further continued, “ISIS may shoot you, they may bomb you, but they will not come and say, hey you said this 3 months back and now you are saying just the opposite, an accusation which we face on Twitter and Facebook almost every day. I expected Indian social-media users to not do these kinds of comparisons and not abuse us journos just because we write inflammatory sensational stuff.”

“I just hate those kinds of comparisons and abuses. We journalists are human beings, our thoughts and ideologies do change with time. Don’t judge us please,” she concluded.

Although 2 top journalists who had moved to Iraq 3 months back have not contacted their families until now, but those waiting to get there are hopeful of a golden fruitful future, a utopia, a place where they will never be questioned, even when only things true in their articles and news-pieces are just their names.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Blank DVDs sales rise by 200% near engineering colleges after blocking of porn sites

New Delhi: In a recent survey conducted by the students of a premier institute, it has been revealed that sales of blank DVDs have gone up in the past two days. Interestingly a 200 percent increase in total sales was registered from the shops in the vicinity of engineering colleges.

Not antique anymore, thanks to porn ban.

Apparently, engineers have been hit the hardest because of this ban. Our reporter spoke to one such student who said, “First they banned Maggi and now they banned porn. How do you expect us to study without our basic necessities? Life in an engineering college is so stressful and the only way to de-stress is to watch some porn and ‘let out some steam’. Now with this ban in place, we have to rely on DVD’s.”

A corner shop that stocked DVD’s saw the demand go up in just 2 days. The owner of the shop had a mixed reaction to the ban. He said, “Although I am not happy with the ban as porn was a source of entertainment for me too. But at the same time it has led to good business of DVD’s, so it’s not that bad for our shop.”

Old stocks of DVD which most stationery shops had planned to do away with, have once again found their way to the shelves. But it’s not clear as to why students would want to use DVD’s in the age of high capacity pen drives.

Once engineering student had an answer, He said, “Although pen drives are compact and convenient, they quickly become objects of suspicion. Whereas with DVD we can easily use a marker and label it as ‘technical stuff’ or ‘Java’ or something like ‘Project Work’, and no one suspects even when the contents are pornographic in nature.”

Meanwhile, some students also look at it as a source of extra income. Experts have doubts about students being involved in piracy business related to entertainment industry. “Frankly speaking engineering students always look for money via easy means, there are noted instances of techies being attracted towards driving cab instead of writing codes,” one such expert said.

“It is quite possible that that as per today’s circumstances, they are bouncing back on the piracy business to get good and easy money,” he added.

FTII student admits he is studying on behalf of his children

Pune: In what is being considered as confession of the decade, FTII veteran student Rakesh Shukra has admitted to undertaking film courses, studying and writing exams on behalf of his children.

Rakesh Shukra at FTII. (Resemblance to any real person is purely coincidental)

To ensure his children enjoy their life to the fullest, the big hearted Rakesh decided to study on their behalf which has been lauded by all the liberal fraternities across the country citing studies have nothing to do with age, even if it’s a 17-year course.

Unfortunately, Rakesh belongs to the class of ’98 which had a record number of dropouts. Everyone, except Rakesh had dropped out, while his honesty, integrity and perseverance to complete the 17-year course, has kept him going ever since.

The secret behind the course is that final results would be applicable to the entire family, which means anyone within direct family could use the blanket certificate to procure a job.

After Maggi and porn ban in India, a lot of idle minds are planning to join FTII to ensure a blanket degree is secured for the entire family’s future.

Sources say, FTII degree might come in handy for the unseen future but the hidden intention of idlers to have lots of fun for years as part of protest marches between popular tourist spots, is getting clear day-by-day.

Somnath Bharti assures safer Delhi for beautiful women, ‘what about beautiful men like me’ asks Kumar Vishwas

New Delhi: After Somnath Bharti made the controversial statement on ensuring ‘safer Delhi for women’, his own party worker Kumar Vishwas has objected. The objection is not because of the derogatory nature of the statement. Mr. Vishwas’ grouse is that Somnath Bharti has failed to address the safety of beautiful men like him.

No country for beautiful men.

Speaking to Faking News, Kumar Vishwas said, “I am not against safety of beautiful women. All I want is safety and security for beautiful men like me too. I can tell you specific instances when I was stared at, touched inappropriately and been at the receiving end of comments while travelling in Delhi. Why this discriminatory attitude towards men? Don’t men need to feel safe?”

When asked if he faced similar discrimination within the party, Mr. Vishwas refused to name any specific person. However he said, “Most people think that I was made a party leader because I am good looking. Let me tell you I have slogged for the party. It’s so convenient for people to attribute your success to your looks. It happens with women too. People have to change their mindset.”

Mr. Vishwas has urged Delhi Police to start a special helpline for men similar to the one for women. “I am fully aware that these helplines are a waste of public money just like our ads, but I would still request the Govt. to start a separate helpline for men. We all are victims. Just because media chooses not to report, doesn’t mean it’s not happening.”

Surprisingly, Congress Party Vice-President Rahul Gandhi has come out in support of Kumar Vishwas. Speaking to his party workers he said, “Auraton ki suraksha kaafi zaroori hai. Acchi baat hai ki sarkar iss bare me soch rahi hai. Lekin khoosurat mardon ka kya hoga. Upar se sarkar ne porn ban kar diya. Kyu kar rahi hai ye sarkar mardon pe zulm.”

Meanwhile, our reporter tried getting comments from AAP chief Arvind Kejriwal on this issue. However the only comment we got from him was about his review of the latest Bollywood movie released. “Acchi movie hai. Agli ad inse hi banvayenge,” he said.

SRK to shoot his next film entirely in Wankhede Stadium

Mumbai. Still unable to get over him being allowed to enter Wankhede Stadium again, Bollywood Superstar and KKR owner Shah Rukh Khan has decided to shoot his next film entirely in the stadium.

Sources claim the day MCA lifted ban over Shah Rukh, he spent entire night in Wankhede and even slept on the pitch, making the most of the time away from the stadium.

The security guard is being approached to play role of villain in the film

He was even caught bullying and arguing with chairs of the stadium by the stadium authorities, but completely understanding his emotions, they did not stop him and let him be himself.

But SRK soon realized that he was not Preity Zinta and he had to soon go back to work, which will mean leaving the stadium. That is when the idea of shooting the film in stadium struck his mind.

“What’s wrong? When Hollywood films like Phone Booth can be shot in one place, why can’t Shahrukh sir do so,” his manager shot back when asked wouldn’t it be difficult for the actor who is used to shooting even a single song in Switzerland and number of other foreign locales to shift to Wankhede for a full film.

Sources claim SRK has asked scriptwriter to incorporate a scene in the film, where he buries character of a security guard under the ground.

“Ise kehte hain Miyanbhai ki daring or baniye ka dimaag,” his manager added pointing to how SRK saved on the budget of the film by shooting at one place and how he lived up to his statement of ‘Yahin Gaad dunga’ to the security guard.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Docs to be taught self defence, MBBS to become 8 years long

New Delhi: In an exciting new move by the Medical Council of India, in conjunction with millions of different state boards and deemed universities, has made self-defence a mandatory subject for MBBS students.

A Doctor practicing his moves.

“We intend to have no weak students, neither physically or mentally,” said an excited MCI defence officer while brandishing a broken wooden stick.

In the wake of a multitude of attacks on doctors-in-training by irate members of the public, this is seen as a welcome move. Bechara Bewakoof, 17 year old MBBS aspirant, is furiously doing jumping jacks while desperately trying to balance his glasses on his sweaty nose while reciting chemical formulae at the same time.

Already adept at multi tasking he hopes to be able to go for 36 hours without sleep and 14 hours without a bathroom break just like Bechari Bewakoof, his elder sister, an Internal Medicine resident. She hopes that Self Defence will also be included in post graduate curriculum and wishes she were still doing MBBS to attend this class alone.

“After all, being thrashed for government failings like lack of hospital beds, no electricity, no diagnostic facilities is the birthright of every doctor,” she says.

“The dream is to do this for a nominal pay while being a liability to parents until early thirties at least,” continues Bechari, while counting her anti TB tablets. This last part will definitely come true as the new MBBS course will be 8 years long due to this new subject.

Both say that they already know how to escape in case of attack. They also know which part of their fungus and rodent infested hostels is safe from attack.

To go on the offensive in rare circumstances of grave provocation, they may offer stale food from their canteens to their attackers. Bechara of course is still preparing theory while Bechari has had full opportunity to develop these skills practically.

The course will hopefully include Magic from next semester for MBBS and Post graduate students. The doctors will then be able to create MRI machines, CT scanners, generic medications and equipped operation theatres out of thin air.

Bechara now excitedly plays the Harry Potter movies simultaneously, adding to his tasks. “The real power of Magic will be that even if the patient gives no history or has come too late, doctors will be able to guess the diagnosis without any tests at all and make him good as new with a spell,” he says breathlessly between jumps on a full bladder.

The panacea, according to Dr Bechari Bewakoof, is to be used after working hard and trying to practice quality medicine. This may only be achieved after decades of best practice. “That lends a whole new dimension to Self Defence,” says Bechari dreamily with stars in her eyes.

Meanwhile, their neighbour Duck Quack has claimed to cure death and is reaping millions as thousands of believers swoon at his feet. He is thinking of roping in Dr Amir Khan for his ad campaign.