Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Monday, August 3, 2015

People across country protest over Porn Ban, accuse Modi of snatching away even achhi raatein

New Delhi. The blocking of porn websites has created huge uproar in the country, with people from all walks of life be it Engineers, FB Friendship enthusiasts, Karnataka MLAs, etc, all protesting against the ban.

Such is the anger within people that many of them have taken to Twitter, Facebook and their bedrooms, to let their displeasure known.

“Modi ji toh keh rahe the ki ache din aayenge, yahan toh achhi raatein bhi chali gayi hain, WTF is this?” asked a 31 year old IT professional, while watching films from Mahesh Bhatt’s production house.

“And if he is planning to bring Achhe din in lieu of Achhi ratein, we don’t need such dins, we reject it,” he added, frustrated at having to fast forward songs and meaningless scenes again and again.

The ban has further led to a huge increase in the value of mobile handsets and laptops having pornographic content stored in them.

He was topless and all ready for the night, but then he found porn banned.

“I bought this mobile for Rs 7000 few days back and immediately exhausted entire memory storage by transferring porn. I can’t believe today same mobile is fetching me Rs 30000 on OLX,” said an excited 2^nd year engineering student.

Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal too lashed out at PM Modi for once again not letting his party men work.

“Isi ka darr tha mujhe ji. Baaki sab toh chhodiye, main apne party leaders ko hi rok nahi pa raha hun black market me aise mobile aur laptop khareedne se,” Kejriwal said as he ordered his aides to come with another poster rejecting porn ban to be put up in streets of Delhi.

While there were also few guys, whose addiction to porn had embarrassed them many times; they were relieved that porn was banned.

“I am glad they have banned it. Now I won’t have to worry about locking my phone or deleting my web history, when a female colleague all of sudden asks if she can use my system,” said a 28 year old Marketing Manager.

However experts claim that if the ban is not reversed, it could severely impact electoral prospects of BJP in urban areas.

“Its bullshit that cricket unites everyone. In my opinion nothing unites everybody more than porn,” argued one such expert.

Meanwhile with an eye to capture the imagination of the youth of the country once again, alleged youth icon and Congress VP, Rahul Gandhi, has decided to follow the tried and tested formula of visiting the people most affected by the ban. Sources claim that he intends to ~~eat~~ watch porn with these people to express solidarity and send out strong message to Modi govt. Sources further claim that he will make his first visit to KRK’s house.

“Ban either Porn or Maggi but not both” protest hostel students from a reputed university

Bangalore: In a sensational turn of events, students living in a reputed university’s hostel have launched a unique protest against the Centre’s decision to ban pornography on the web, asking them to ban either Maggi or porn but not both so that at least one kind of hunger is satisfied.

Porn was banned in the country, after Maggi.

Speaking to Faking News, final year student Kaamnath Kumar said, “A few days back they banned Maggi, our staple food. With great difficulty, we got back to rotten rotis for breakfast. Now, they want to ban porn? None of the bookmarked porn sites are working since morning. All I can see is a 404 Page Not Found error. At least, the error message should have said 69 to trigger something better than nothing.”

“Even the shared network drive has not been updated with new videos today. Looks like we have to switch to the C-grade Midnight Masala aired during weekends on South Indian television. I’ll certainly miss commenting ‘Nice video’ on my favorite porn sites”, said Kaamnath as he appeared dissatisfied, clueless on how to vent out his anger and frustration.

Another student said, “As compensation, ban on Maggi should be lifted. It will at least satisfy one kind of hunger. I want to ask the competent authorities, how do you want us to relieve ourselves of the great Indian stress arising due to exams, percentages and social status?”

Noted spammer Somenath Barathi is also dejected with porn ban as none of his domains are getting any traffic since morning. He is believed to be working with counterparts from across the border to host their content on his domains.

The Bollywood fraternity has also come in support of the protesting students saying youth cannot be deprived of their post-puberty rights.

Meanwhile, students and IT workers have started an online petition asking the government to revoke the ban stating that it violates their right to personal liberty.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Sunday Magazine: Friendship Day

Friendship day is not just a day to remember and celebrate the spirit of friendship. It’s also a day to brace yourself for an avalanche of mushy friendship day messages. Our Sunday Magazine not only celebrates this day but also offers you WhatsApp hacks to save yourself from unwanted messages. Also, read Shocking but True to find out more about Arnab Goswami’s friend list.

Sunday Magazine dated 2nd August 2015

Mumbai’s leading NGO FATTU announces online ‘Candle light vigil’ booking facility for dead terrorists

Mumbai: India’s leading Human Rights group FATTU (Flop Actors and Terrorist’s Union) today announced that they are going to launch an e-commerce portal through which candle light vigils can be booked for all the innocent, helpless and impoverished terrorists killed by the cruel Indian government and army during the last 50 years.

Have you booked your ‘candle light vigil’ online?

FATTU coordinator and fish exporter Salmon Clam spoke to Faking News about the novel idea. He said, “After Yakub’s hanging, we were feeling left out of the limelight a bit and then we thought about Kasab and all the other innocent Pakistani citizens who had come to Mumbai for a picnic and sightseeing but were treacherously killed by the very cruel NSG . So we decided to start this very cheap service so that poor innocent terrorists have their two minutes of fame and the candle making industry gets a boost.”

FATTU says that after this, it intends to hold candle light vigils across USA for the 9/11 bombers and their coach Osama Un Laden. FATTU maintains they were poor, innocent aviation pioneers who became a victim of the USA’s conspiracy.

FATTU’s receptionist Heehaw Droopia told Faking News, “We also have plans of taking advance booking for candle light vigils for those unfortunate, naive terrorists who are still alive but might be hunted down by cruel democratic countries like India and USA. Bookings can be done only through Hawala channel as that is one channel which both we and the terrorists use often and trust.”

Our sources say that the ISIS, Taliban and the D-company have already booked almost 200 candlelight vigils. Another innocent and hapless group, Boko Haram has also expressed interest.

Many Mumbai residents have come out in support of FATTU and residents have requested FATTU to hold the next vigil in their area. Andheri resident Roshni told Faking News, “We are having 8 hour long power cuts at night so we have requested FATTU to hold regular vigils here so that our kids can study and do their homework.”

India’s finance minister however sees this as a Pakistan-China nexus. He said, “China is the leading manufacturer of candles and Pakistan is the leading manufacturer of terrorists. Each time India kills a poor and innocent terrorist, China stands to gain from it.”

Rahul Gandhi wondering why FTII didn’t follow a democratic process similar to Congress in electing its head

Pune: After giving a pep talk to the protesting liberal revolutionary students in the Film and Television Institute of India (FTII), Rahul Gandhi settled in his hotel room suite and went in to deep thoughts. According to his personal assistants, he was in deep thoughts about FTII.

Rahul Gandhi deeply wondering about something, which obviously will be something revolutionary, at least to Congress leaders.

While our attempts to talk with Rahul Gandhi failed, we met one of his personal assistant, who was free enough to praise the Congress Vice President. Speaking to Faking News, the unnamed assistant said, “Rahulji is now very tired after his brave talk at FTII. Opposing a fascist government obviously takes its toll on his young body. As you had asked me, he is in deep thoughts now. Whenever he raises his voice on an issue, he ventures into different areas of his brain and think about how to approach that issue. It was how he found out the famous punch lines ‘suit-boot ki sarkar’ and ‘modi is trying to grab your land’.”

When we asked him to guess on what Rahul might be wondering, he grinned and said, “When we were driving back to hotel from FTII, he was in a similar deep thought experiment. Then, he turned back to me and said ‘I wonder why FTII is not following a democratic process similar to our party. It would had been easy, if there was planned succession in FTII. We should suggest this in Parliament. Look at our party. Do we have any of our leaders and workers raising war flags against appointment of me or my Mommy as High Command?’ When he finished talking, we had goosebumps. Such a revolutionary thinking he has. We are so blessed to work for him.”

“Just imagine, If FTII had Chairman for around 20 years, and the post is inherited by his daughter, then by her son and then by his wife and then by her son, similar to Congress, then nobody is going to raise voice against it,” said a senior Congress leader who was standing next to us.

PICS: How Indian FoxPress’s front page appeared for some events of the past

Indian FoxPress recently carried the headline ‘And they hanged Yakub’ in bold letters. Though this might have irked the communal Internet Hindu troll Bhakt sanghis, it hasn’t moved intelligentsia a bit. Since Indian FoxPress has been keeping the secular fabric intact, we went through their archives to find out different front pages for some specific events of the past. Here are ‘they':

The day 26/11 Mumbai attack ended

The day after Pakistan signed some insignificant papers, dubbed ‘Declaration of Defeat’

Front page of the day when few Indian Muslims chose to stay back in India to be oppressed by RSS

Front page of FoxPress when Mahmud of Ghazni was forced to come to India 17 times to take down Hindu temples brick-by-brick and liberate indigenous people from idol-worshipping Brahmin fascists.

Techie spotted with tie and formals on Fridays, gets “exceeds expectation” rating during appraisal

Bangalore. Among his peers, techie Sumukh is known for his dressing as well as puzzle solving skills. A year back Sumukh and his equally talented batch mate Risheek were selected for outofsys, a leading software services company head quartered in the city.

Both were happy to work for an organization which not only brought smart global delivery model but also the smart dressing sense to India for the first time. As part of their induction program, they were told to wear formals on four days of the week except Friday. To clear the ambiguity for freshers, HR policy made it clear that formals are optional on Fridays and if one intends to wear jeans, t-shirts, sports shoes, one can do so on that day. The message from HR department was to follow dress code guidelines strictly every day without any deviation.

With like minded people on friday

It seemed Sumukh, the complete man was kind of ok with formals and leather shoes. In contrast, Risheek was eagerly waiting for the all-important Friday. Apart from getting chance to watch some blockbusters, he was looking forward to wear his collection of polo t-shirts and Calvin Klein jeans. Risheek felt, his informal dress code will match better with the lush green landscapes the office campus has. The selfies taken with this picturesque background was getting him additional FB likes.

Both did not realize, how quickly a year passed and like their college exam time they were tense to go through their first appraisal process. At the end of it, formal Sumukh was rated a notch higher “exceeds expectation” which is B+ whereas informal Risheek got “B” which means “met expectation”. As both of them were new to these rating systems, company made sure HR head meets both the contestants and clarify their doubts before handing over their hike letters. As Sumukh was ahead, all the tough questions to HR presumably came from Risheek.

Our highly placed sources got access to performance appraisal data of both techies. It was petty evident the appraisal process is a long drawn process in IT companies which starts from January and ends on June. As per the overall score which was calculated on fifteen parameters, Sumukh was ahead of Risheek by mere 0.007 points. As we understood from their manager, both are exceptional talents. Number of lines of code, number of comments, number of documents they prepared, reviewed everything matched. To make it even more complicated both of them were next to each other on the all-important bell curve.

On close scrutiny we found it’s the dressing sense of Sumukh which was one of the vital parameters took him ahead of Risheek. The conclusive comment from HR was “There is nothing wrong with what Risheek did, Company gave him option to wear jeans and t-shirts on Fridays which he followed, that’s why got met expectation rating. Where as Sumukh is a classic case of someone going beyond what the organization expects. Not only that, when he was at office, cent percent of the time he looked like a professional as visualized by the co-founder of the company Naraj Shankar Murthy. Such sacrifice should not go unnoticed, that’s why people like Sumukh deserve exceeds expectation rating”.

Last heard the B+ ratings will give Sumukh 0.4% additional hike in comparison to Risheek which will make him richer by 77 rupees per month.