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Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Raveena’s Bollywood comeback now in doubt after allegedly ‘communal’ tweet demanding hanging of terrorist

Mumbai. If actress Raveen Tandon had any plans of making a comeback in Bollywood, she will have to put them on hold now that she has tweeted an allegedly communal tweet from her official twitter account.

Raveena’s demand for hanging a terrorist who was rumored to have been caught alive in Gurdaspur attack, was deemed against the ethos of secularism and humanity.

Another pic shared by Raveena’s critics to prove that she is communal and that it may work against her.

“Read the tweet again, she had tweeted – Hope human rights activists and liberals now don’t demand biryani to be served to him – this clearly links a Muslim culinary item to terrorism. Shameful and communal!” explained a liberal cum News Anchor, who till yesterday was confused if one of the terrorists was Sikh or terrorists have no religion.

“Apart from that, she called for hanging of the terrorist. What blood-thirst!” the anchor added.

Experts feel that though Raveena may have earned brownie points among Twitter trolls, who must be hanged before terrorists, and Arnab Goswami, she has done irreparable harm to her chances of making a Bollywood comeback.

“You can’t run down and upset your paymasters. That’s the golden rule across industries,” said a film industry insider.

“Her only hope of actually bagging a film now is if it comes from Gajendra Chauhan’s production house. Otherwise it’s over for us,” he added. “I mean if not all she can at least forget getting any offers from eminent filmmakers like Mahesh Bhatt, Kabir Khan, Imtiaz Ali, Zoya Akhtar, Vishal Bhardwaj etc.”

When pointed that even the likes of Neha Dhupia, Shruti Seth, Diya Mirza, all with views contrary to those of Raveena, were not getting any films, the expert claimed that he was only talking about actresses who were successful at one point of time or even have a chance to make a comeback.

“Raveena was a star in 90s and movie goers still want to see her on screen,” he reasoned, “But all is not lost for Raveena. She can still team up with Chetan Bhagat and write something against ‘bhakts’ and everything will be forgotten and forgiven.”

Tough boss resigns because of overly demanding Cab driver

Bangalore: Unable to cope with the demands of his daily route Cab Driver, Manager at a leading software company here has finally resigned. He plans to commute by BMTC buses for remaining days of his notice period.

Overly demanding boss. Just like a Bangalore cab driver.

Manager in question, Partha Iyer, was known to be demanding and abusive to his colleagues. So much so that even in follow-up emails, he used harsh and abusive language.

But lately, since shifting home to a plush area, it was observed he had mellowed down and the change in his behavior was noticed by most of his co-workers.

“I haven’t filled my timesheets for 3 weeks now, yet he has not humiliated me in front of other employees like he always does,” said one subordinate, who wished not to be named for the fear he would have to fill the timesheets.

Our reporter caught with Partha, at the bus stop just when he had let a crowded bus go. “It all started with closing the cab door slowly. How do I tell that cabbie that that is just not my style? I don’t close doors, I slam them,” he explained.

Things only got worse when the boss was not at the pick spot on time for 2 consecutive days.

The Mr. Iyer defended himself that he had seen the missed call and had called back in half-minute. This reporter can confirm it to be true after going through the call records.

“But the cabbie blew it out of proportion to the extent that my CEO called from US to enquire whether I am taking a day’s leave,” said Partha.

He said he knew things had to be changed when even while taking shower he heard his mobile ringing and shivered fearing that it is the cab driver. His wife also confirmed, “Yes, he used to come out of bathroom 4-5 times thinking his mobile is ringing. Even forgetting to wrap the towel at times.”

After consulting a psychiatrist, the couple decided that it was better to resign from the job and find some work which is walkable distance from the house. The psychiatrist himself cycled his way to work.

“Some of these drivers think they are in driver’s seat,” said the psychiatrist for no reason using a pun, so carefully avoided by this reporter for this report.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

As part of road transport and safety bill, additional bushes to be created for traffic policemen to hide behind

New Delhi: As per Minister for Road Transport and Highways Mr. Nitin Gadkari, the proposed road transport and safety bill will provide additional safety measures for commuters as well as traffic police.

Mr. Gadkari, while speaking to our reporter said, “We have started working on mechanism to find out spots which cause major accidents. If there is a need, we will not shy away from marking every road and every street corner as accident prone zone. In addition, we will increase the font size used for hoardings that reads, Accident Prone Zone, Go Slow.”

Nitin Gadkari taking the first step towards creating hiding places for traffic policemen.

“We will also try to replicate the model Bangalore follows, for other cities. Adequate measures will be taken to create more and more traffic jams which will slow down the traffic and ensure that there are no accidents. We have plans to add more and more speed breakers so that people will be afraid of taking their vehicle out. I know some social media activists will put a selfie with comment that reads ‘today I drove on speed breakers, not roads’. I am not scared of such criticism, for me safety of people comes first,” he affirmed.

Mr. Gadkari further added, “In the past, my ministry officials have focused on safety measures of commuters to some extent whereas somehow we have completely ignored the safety measures of our traffic policemen. Now it is time for us to set it right.”

“The complaints I get from traffic policemen is about the alarming rate of reduction of blind corners, lack of sufficient bushes and trees on our roads for them to hide behind. If you notice, on our roads when traffic police are standing by, people drive safely. Everyone behaves like Amol Palekar and if they come to know there would be no traffic police on some roads or during some hours like it happens late night or early mornings, they drive like Salman Khan. That’s why the fear of the traffic policemen hiding behind a bush is necessary. This is the same reason Aam Aadmi Party proposed Lokpal. Once the fear of Lokpal is there in the minds of people, corruption will automatically go away,” he said.

“My ministry has done some studies and we found out that the bushes and trees which help our policeman are not being maintained properly. After road transport and safety bill passes through parliament, we will allocate additional funds for creation of new bushes as well as for their maintenance,” Mr. Gadkari told us.

In the meantime Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi has said that his party will oppose the bill in its present form. He told our reporter, “This suit boot ki sarkar does not want safety of its ordinary citizens. The traffic policemen hiding behind will not have courage to jump in front of high end SUVs or cars. Instead they will catch our poor farmers who use two-wheelers. We will disrupt the parliament and not let the bill pass.”

Shashi Tharoor says Times Now owes reparations to Rahul Gandhi for the interview with Arnab in 2014

New Delhi: In a passionate argument, Lok Sabha MP Shashi Tharoor demanded reparation payments to be made by Times Now news channel to Rahul Gandhi for the 200 minutes interview with Arnab Goswami, held before 2014 General elections.

Shashi Tharoor probably saying that almighty Arnab Goswami was unfair to Rahul Gandhi.

Putting forth his argument at the Oxfake Union he said, “Rahul Gandhi’s mental strength before the interview and after the interview showed huge difference and the decline in mental ability was apparent. Why? Simply because Rahul Gandhi had been interviewed for the benefit of Arnab Goswami and Times Now.”

“By the end of 2014 polls, the fact is that Congress party was already Arnab’s biggest cash cow, the biggest provider of TV advertisements. The channel earned revenues by showing scams, which gave Arnab an opportunity to bash Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha and thus garner TRP’s. Each TV ad cost us lakhs of rupees and we have spent billions in total for advertisements,” he added

“Let’s talk figures now. Before the interview, Rahul Gandhi used to watch Chotabheem 52 times per day. After the interview, this number fell to 22. There is a massive 87% drop in the time Rahul Gandhi spent on video games after the interview. More than 70% Congress leaders understood Rahul’s ideas and actions before the interview. Now only 26% understand and fortunately I am not one of them,” he said as he looked at the documents in his hands.

“The fact is very simple; we are not talking about reparations as a tool to empower anybody, definitely not about ‘Empowering Women’. They are a tool for you to atone, for the wrongs that have been done and I am quite prepared to accept the proposition that you can’t evaluate or put a monetary sum to the kind of horror Rahul Gandhi has suffered during those 200 minutes,” said Mr Tharoor.

“Certainly no amount of money can make good the loss. In fact, to understand the loss please listen to Rahul’s reaction after the interview. You are not going to figure out the exact amount but the principle is what matters,” he affirmed.

“As far as I am concerned, the ability to acknowledge your wrong that has been done and to simply say sorry will go to a great extent,” Mr. Tharoor concluded.

Though Times Now has not responded to Sashi Tharoor’s argument yet, nonetheless, our sources suggest that Sashi Tharoor recieved a call from Sonia Gandhi with all praises this morning.

Inspired by Chand Nawab, Shahid Afridi too asks for compensation, says his role was critical to Bajrangi Bhaijaan

Karachi: It’s not just the makers of Bajrangi Bhaijaan who wish to cash in on the success of the movie. Pakistani cricketer Shahid Afridi, who apparently is inspired by reporter Chand Nawab, too has asked for compensation.

Shahid Afridi asking for compensation for his cameo.

Speaking to Faking News from Karachi, Shahid Afridi said, “First of all let me congratulate Salman and boys for the wonderful movie. I am very happy that the movie is making a lot of money. I only want to say that I have played a critical role in the movie. The little girl in the movie, Shahida, is named after me. They could have named her Inzimama after Inzimam-ul-haq, but did they do that? There is also a scene where the little girl is watching me play cricket on the TV set. So you see how I have actually played a part in the movie. So am I wrong in asking for compensation?”

Afridi’s fans in Pakistan have lent their support to the cricketer. A ‘peaceful’ rally was held in support of the cricketer in Karachi, with fans demanding PM Nawaz Sharif to intervene in the matter.

But it’s not all support for Afridi, there has been criticism also. Former team-mates have censured Shahid Afridi for openly demanding compensation.

Former cricketer and team-mate Shoaib Akhtar blasted Afridi. He said, “Ye banda itna cheap hai. Isne apni clipper (caliber) dikha di. Yeh iski purani aadat hai. Mujhe yaad hai, jab hum practice ke liye jaate the, ye khud ko 12 saal ka bata kar bus mein half ticket se travel karta tha. Iski cheapness ke upar toh mai ek kitab likh sakta hu.”

Commentator Rameez Raza termed Afridi’s demand and childish and asked the media to ignore him. He said, “Shahid is ignorant in these issues. Woh abhi baccha hai aur usko ignore karna hi behtar hoga.”

But certain sections of Pakistani media are in no mood to ignore. A news anchor of a leading news channel, also popularly known as ‘Pakistans Arnab Goswami’, raised questions as to why Afridi is not getting support from the government and the military. “Awaam ko jawab chahiye”, he screamed, as other panelists nodded in agreement.

Govt employee shocked to find out that 84 year old APJ Abdul Kalam was working even on his last day

New Delhi. 33 year old govt employee Pramod Shukla was today stunned when he read that late ex-President APJ Abdul Kalam Azad was working even on his last day at the age of 84.

“Hain? I just went through the schedule Kalam sahib was having since last 3-4 days. Here, I may not have worked this much since joining, which he seemed to have in these days,” said Pramod as he wrote a 25 day leave application.

After lot of googling, Shukla finally found a pic of Kalam sitting idly, which he liked the most

Pramod who is leading a nice retired life ever since getting employed in audit department after passing the SSC exam, was shocked that even former President and Bharat Ratna hasn’t been able to enjoy the fruits of retired life.

“That is why you should never work and achieve so much that it becomes a curse and comes back to haunt to you for rest of your life. I mean had he feigned mediocrity like me, he would have never been expected and forced to go and impart his knowledge and learning to others after 60,” Pramod told Faking News, while coaching new SBI joinees.

“He should have taken a UPSC or SSC exam like me and the word ‘work’ would have ceased to exist in his dictionary,” he went on to elaborate, with thunderous applause from colleagues.

Meanwhile another 23 year old man working as student on Facebook wonders if Abdul Kalam was scientist or a writer after reading some 100 quotes attributed to him since yesterday.

“I remember some of these quotes were same as the ones attributed to Steve Jobs after he died. Now I am confused who is original,” he told Faking News.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Dharavi man wants to know if the selfie he took while pooping at railway track qualifies as washroom selfie

Mumbai. Facing immense peer pressure for quite sometime now, Pakya, a 31 year old man from Dharavi, regular visitor at railway tracks nearby, wonders if the pic he took of himself while pooping near Dadar station qualifies as washroom selfie.

The selfie which he posted with caption #SelfieWithDadar has so far received 45 ‘marked for nudity spam’ requests and resulted in 24 unfriends for Pakya.

Pakya in action.

“I have an FB account for last 2 years now and have seen whole lot of my friends living in posh localities of Bandra, Juhu, Colaba etc posting selfies taken by them in what they call their washroom selfies,” Pakya explained what led him to click such a selfie.

“First I found it odd but then I thought maybe it was mandatory to click and post at least one such photo otherwise FB suspends your account after sometime. So I decided to click one of my own,” he went on to explain.

“Since I cannot afford going to discs, pubs, bars, restaurants etc nor do I have a toilet at home, I thought of clicking a photo at railway tracks,” he argued, “And thought I ll go a step further and click and post one in action. Maybe FB will reward me by getting all my pending requests to nearby slum girls in Kurla accepted for being proactive and innovative.”

Now finding in midst of his account getting suspended, Pakya wonders what was wrong with the selfie and if it qualifies as washroom selfie or he needs to a public toilet somewhere to click one.

Meanwhile Pakya has already bought a drill machine home to punch his cheeks from both sides to get a perfect pout selfie.