Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Thursday, June 4, 2015

NSUI opposes Maggi Ban, accuses Modi govt of trying to destroy education institutions

New Delhi: Thousands of NSUI members who had nothing better to do this morning, gathered in front of HRD minister Smriti Irani’s home and protested against govt’s decision to ban Maggi. Protesters accused MHRD and PM Modi of propagating RSS and Hindutva agenda into educational institutions and claimed that Smriti Irani is systematically destroying IITs.

The protest from NSUI received resounding support from bachelors and hostelers studying in JNU, private engineering colleges in Ghaziabad & Greater Noida. NSUI promptly attributed it to Rahul Gandhi for his ~~dynamite~~ dynamic leadership.

NSUI claims Modi and Irani are showing how many institutes they destroy every week.

Faking News reporter Shaitaan Khopdi™ asked the outraged protesters why they are protesting against HRD ministry when the issue involves Food and Consumer Affairs ministry. One protester Fitoor Bin-Matbal remarked, “Maggi is an essential food for all the hostelers. Who eats food from mess? It is Maggi that keeps them going. Hostelers can’t survive without it. Clearly it is an attempt by MHRD to destroy our institutions.”

Reports suggest that it has harmful chemical in quantities more than the permitted level. Consuming this can cause serious damage to health, reasoned Shaitaan Khopdi™. “So what? So bloody what? Even the municipal water has contamination, should we stop drinking water? Should we also stop breathing because of air pollution? Is desh me Maggi kaun laya? Rajiv Gandhi ji. Maruti 800 is gone, corruption is down, now Maggi too. This government is killing everything that Congress gave to the nation,” retorted an enraged NSUI member MS Iyyar.

But how does it link with RSS and Hindutva asked a puzzled Shaitaan Khopdi™.

“Look dude, linking the issue such as global warming and drought to RSS and Hindutva is media’s job. Don’t ask me. I came here in the hope that Delhi Police will use water cannon and I will get some free water to take bath,” explained a protester who neither looked like a hosteler, bachelor nor the NSUI member.

We finally found a JNU types who looked similar to a journalist and asked the same question. He said, “After banning Maggi, they are going to flood market with Ayurvedic Noodles produced by Baba Ramdev. Isn’t it a clear proof that RSS is controlling this government, you Bhakt!!!”

Able to buy multiplex tickets on weekends, man convinced he belongs to upper economic class

Mumbai. A 29 year old investment banker, Sudhir Jhaveri, residing in Walkeshwar Road, was today finally convinced that he indeed belongs to upper economic class after he was able to afford 4 multiplex tickets for him and his family during weekends.

“It was quite shocking. I mean the moment I heard ticket window attendant say ‘Sir it would be only Rs 2400 for you, I didn’t even think for a second whether I should go ahead or not. Instead I reached out to my pocket, flashed my American Express platinum card and paid,” Jhaveri told Faking News.

“And not just that, I was able to afford 2 medium sized popcorns and a cold drink too during interval. I really have made it large,” he screamed with joy.

Sudhir, who earns in excess of 20 lpa and owns a 2 bhk flat in South Mumbai would so far not consider himself as one from higher class and would envy those who were able to watch movies during weekends.

Middle class people taking time to decide whether they should but or not.

“I would try to avoid logging on to Facebook during weekends as that would mean watching status updates of colleagues watching movies at Multiplexes and getting heartburn,” he revealed.

“In peer pressure, I too once checked in at IMAX Adlabs, when in reality I was at home watching Kumkum Bhagya with wife,” he admitted.

But having finally made to the top echelon of the society, Sudhir further went down the memory lane when he was nobody.

“It has taken me lot of struggle to reach here. I still remember those days when I would watch movies in single screen theaters that too in lower stalls, sitting next to some guthka chewing rickshaw walas,” he recalled.

“Gradually I moved to watching films in balconies of those halls, having a vada pav during interval,” he went on to recall, “And then to watching films in early morning slots in Multiplexes during Tuesdays.”

“So the journey has been quite amazing from a struggler to senior struggler and finally an upper class folk,” he added.

“I think being able to afford Multiplex tickets during weekends in the ultimate measure of one’s richness and my greatest achievement so far,” he concluded as he updated his CV.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

JD(U)-RJD ropes in YoYo Honey Singh for Bihar elections, “Char Bottle Vote Ka” to be the punchline

Patna. In order to attract young voters as well as total bevdas, politics’ most happening bromantic pair Lalu-Nitish has reportedly roped in popular Delhi based Hinglish rapper YoYo Honey Singh to campaign for them as part of the upcoming Vidhan Sabha elections.

YoYo’s famous song “Char Bottle Vote Ka” from Ragini SMS 2 will be the punchline for the election campaign and is expected to be used across all mass media channels.

Lalu and Nitish try to match Honey Singh’s moves

“This will be similar to surrogate advertising. People will think they are promised daaru, while the lyrics will take about vote,” an expert explained.

Daaru Kumar is one such voter from rural area who has been voting to the party that distributes highest amount of liquor. A voter since 25 years, Daaru is so excited that he has already purchased relevant snacks for the upcoming elections.

When Faking News reporters conveyed voters’ unruly expectations to Lalu and Nitish, there was an outright rejection followed by deep condemnation. Here’s what they had to say.

“RSS is spreading rumors that we are trying to confuse people about daaru. I used to say ‘yo yo’ while taking my cows to field, and I like yo yo Honey Singh songs. Communal forces will be stopped. Hopppp!!” Lalu issued a statement that was loved by his supporters.

The move by Lalu-Nitish to rope in a Delhi based campaigner comes at a time when Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal tried to rope in a Bihar official at anti-corruption unit.

Some believe that Kejriwal had hatched a plan to blame police officers from Bihar for failing to eliminate corruption in Delhi, while Lalu-Nitish plan to blame YoYo Honey Singh if they lose the elections later this year.

Switzerland bans Haldirams snacks in retaliation to Maggi ban in India

New Delhi. It’s been over a week but the tussle between government authorities and and Nestle doesn’t seem to abate. After Maggi eaters and celebrities endorsing the brand, it seems that the latest victim of this ongoing controversy is snacks maker Haldirams.

Swiss food regulatory authorities have recently tested 100 samples of Haldirams snacks, and if sources are to be believed, they found high levels of ‘a substance not good for health’.

While Swiss officials however refused to divulge the name of the substance, sources say that they took action after reading tweets of Praveen Swami, a journalist from Indian Express who had claimed that eating at Haldirams was a leading cause of leprosy. Since Indian journalists know better than any expert, Swiss authorities decided to act, sources tell Faking News.

However, another set of sources claim the truth to be something else. They claim that the ban is just a retaliation to Maggi ban in India, and it was an ongoing diplomatic war between two nations.

“India’s action had affected relations between India and Switzerland, which till now was the largest exporter of lead to India,” a Swiss official told Faking News.

Meanwhile back n India, Nestle has gone into damage control mode and is trying its best to arrest the loss of reputation. Experts however feel that its just a bad phase that Nestle needs to tide over. Earlier too Cadbury’s had to face flak for ‘worms in chocolate’ and Pepsico got bad press for ‘Pesticides in soft drinks’, but entire India is today happily drinking Pepsi and gifting Cadbury’s.

A temporary solution?

“We are even willing to sell our packets with a statutory warning. I’m sure no one will bother and continue eating what we sell,” a Nestle official hoped.

But the company conceded that the controversy had hit their sales. Some consumers had stopped buying new packets and wondered what to do with the extra packets already resting in their kitchen selves.

Neha Singh, housewife in Noida has found a solution though.

“My house is infested with rats. I am planning to cook Maggi and then put it in small bowls and place it along the corners of our house. By next morning there should be around 2-3 dead rats. This way I can get rid of extra Maggi packs and also the rats,” she said.

Unable to interpret expressions in a girl group selfie, student decides to concentrate on studies

Bangalore. A 19-year old engineering student from the city’s Langford Town area has reportedly decided to concentrate on his studies after suffering from mental stress caused by his inability to interpret girls’ expressions in a girl group selfie.

Rahul Kakkar is a typical student who loves to while away time at college and even after coming home from college. Like every other social media buff, he is active on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and remains logged in forever.

“Expressions that don’t have a definition or a socially accepted interpretation as yet.”

Everything was going well for Rahul on the online platform until he saw a “group selfie” of girls belonging to his college’s Computer Science branch creating unnecessary sensation in his Facebook news-feed. The expression on their faces was something he hadn’t seen before causing Rahul to move into a mode of deep thinking, looking for answers and interpretations.

Being a CAT aspirant, he had some experience solving data interpretation problems but not construing expressions with curled lips and raised brows.

Faking News reporters took notice of Rahul’s mental stress and decided to speak to him on behalf of plenty who suffered like him everyday. Here’s what he said to us.

“Girl group selfies must be considered among history’s mysteries, given the unfathomable expressions found in them. I have been involved in deep thinking on this topic and still do not understand how every girl picks up the same lip coiling, brow raising expression! Do all women possess genes that have a common response to stimulus like exposure to a camera? Something that needs research. I better get back to my studies where careful observation & concentration can fetch me good marks at the least,” said a determined Rahul who didn’t want to waste much time as semester exams were fast approaching.

Our psychology experts partly believe in Rahul’s interpretation just that it is going to remain a proof-less axiom for now.

Urge for eating Maggi increases among cigarette smoking youth after it is found unhealthy

Gurgaon. After reading reports of how harmful eating Maggi could be to one’s health, many cigarette smokers have expressed a sudden desire to consume the product.

“Ever since various test reports have proved that Maggi is quite unsafe and unhealthy for consumption, I have not been getting same kick from smoking cigarettes as I used to get earlier,” revealed a 26 year old media professional.

“The urge to consume Maggi on and off throughout the day has increased manifold. My hands start shivering if I don’t finish a pack every hour,” she added.

Having a group Maggi eating session

Not only this, many smokers have now decided to kick the butt altogether during their smoking breaks.

“From tomorrow onwards, me and my smoker gang of colleagues is planning to switch over to Maggi eating. Its also very addictive as I have heard from my Engineering friends,” confirmed another sales professional working in DLF Cyber City, “In fact we have urged our office authorities to change name of Smoking Zone to Maggi Zone.”

Following this change in behaviour Faking News could spot many Maggi Tapris opening up outside offices, colleges, malls etc and all those place frequented by youth.

“Ek chhota maggi dena, mouth freshener ke saath,” our reporter overheard a B Com student, while talking to one such Tapri owner.

We further saw many young guys trying to flaunt by eating up Maggi as soon as some good looking girl passed by them.

Experts are attributing the sudden change in preferences of smokers to the ‘dangerousness’ attached to eating Maggi now.

“What we could witness soon is an exponential rise in the Maggi eating population so much so that many people could confess to be chain-maggi eaters,” an expert told Faking News.

“Tomorrow if they label even lauki as something unhealthy and dangerous, smokers and youth would start eating that too without complaining,” he added.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Infosys reverts its decision to allow casual dressing citing ‘disciplinary issues’

Bangalore. IT major Infosys recently announced that employees of the company can wear casuals for the entire week. But just few days since the decision, the organization is already facing ‘disciplinary issues’.

Employees were instructed to dress in ‘smart casuals’, however many employees were seen wearing clothes that they would normally wear at home.

A senior manager from HR team said, “It was almost impossible to make a distinction between a house-keeper and a manager. However things were stretched far when a project manager working at the company’s city office kept a housekeeping person as proxy for a conference call with a US client, and no one noticed.”

Infy techies earlier. Not to be confused with Sales guys

It was only when the client expressed concern that the ‘proxy project manager’ had only one reply to all their questions, ‘Good Question.What is your name?’, did they find out the truth.

After being asked to explain his position by Senior Management, the Project Manager said that he had some personal commitments and wanted to skip the con-call, and he got the idea of proxy PM from the movie Tanu Weds Manu Returns.

Many employees who had purchased expensive branded formal clothes adhering to the earlier code of dressing are complaining that their money has gone down the drain.

Ashwin Swami, a senior programmer said, “I spent around 5000 bucks on branded formal clothes because I thought it will create a good impression on my seniors. Now they are saying it is ok to dress in casuals. What about the money I spent? Even my neighbours are confused. Now when I leave for work in the morning they think I am on leave or I got fired from my job.”

Another employee working in Mumbai office on condition of anonymity said, “Earlier whenever I travelled by local trains in first class compartment, no one said anything. Now they say, bhaisaab ye first class hai.”

But it seems majority of the employees are happy with not having to wear formal clothes. Many new joinees are elated that they don’t have to iron clothes for the week and there are some who choose to wear the same set of casual clothes for the entire week.