Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Maggie being the unhealthiest thing, now cigarette packs to carry pictorial warnings of Maggie logo

New Delhi. Government has come up with a new notification about pictorial warnings on cigarette packs. Now the packs will have to carry the picture of Maggie logo with a warning message “consuming tobacco is equally dangerous like consuming Maggie”. Even the loose cigarettes will have these warnings on top of them.

Faking News reporter met senior health ministry officials to know more about this announcement. “Government always looks for effective & innovative ways to pass the correct message to smokers as well as non-smokers who might turn smokers unless warned regularly,” said official Gupta.

“Earlier the debate was to have pictorial warnings which cover 60% or 80% of the cigarette pack size. We talked to many experts, they felt now a day’s 60% or 80% does not look like high number as everyone on the street talks about their kids scoring 95% or more. We cannot cover the full pack with pictorial warnings, then where will the brand name come? We have to think about creative brand managers who work day and night to make a brand popular or unpopular,” he added.

Now on Cigarette packs.

About innovative ways, Faking News suggested the ministry could have used bigger picture of Mr. Mukesh instead of Maggie logo. Mr. Gupta said, “Mr. Mukesh is known by multiplex cinema going public, we chose a brand name like Maggie which is known to aam people of India. You would be surprised to know some years back we did a survey among students staying in hostels. About 90% of them told us maggie tastes better than their hostel food and rest of the crowd said they do not have much choice as they have to eat whatever their boyfriend or girlfriend orders for them.”

Mr. Gupta added, “Till now no one was able to establish any conclusive evidence to prove that cigarette smoking cause cancer, but here we have findings by UP FDA which shows Maggie contains high levels of lead which will definitely lead to cancer. We are sure with these new warnings supplemented by proven evidence, many will quit smoking.”

When we asked Mr. Gupta what about film personalities who endorse Maggie and some of them do not hesitate to eat it happily on screen. Mr. Gupta added, “Yes, we have sent a notice to them to stop endorsing the brand and the film industry needs to put the warning message wherever in old as well as new movies any character is found eating Maggie”.

What about hostel students especially in first year of Engineering who have a long bridge to cross, what they will eat, they deserve something better than ragging only. Mr. Gupta claimed that HRD ministry is coming with a new training program to upgrade the skills of the cooks engaged in hostel canteen.

“I am sure after the training they will be able to bring something back to hostel food which is missing for ever know as “taste”. Nitin Gadkariji who has good experience on taste of food, will guide the HRD ministry,” he said.

Celebrations erupt in slums of Mumbai as Delhi declared unlivable by a New York expat

Mumbai. Mumbai vs Delhi rivalry was back in vogue after an expat (from New York) living in Delhi for 3 years decided to leave the city citing it unlivable due to extremely high pollution.

Even before Delhi could dwell into what was written in the blog, there were enormous celebrations across Mumbai over the thrashing city’s biggest rival Delhi, received in a blog, that too by a foreigner.

However what caught eye of Faking News was that not even slums of the city were behind in celebrating what is being perceived in the city as a bigger victory than winning IPL by its team.

The rivalry just got intense.

Reportedly people in slums like Dharavi burst more crackers today than they burst on Diwali.

“Aaj na roko mujhe,” requested an auto driver, “Even if we burst 1000 more crackers, we would still not be as polluted as Delhi. Take that bitches.” He said as he teased his cousin who is an auto driver in Delhi.

“My decision to choose Mumbai over Delhi to make a career today stands vindicated,” said another 27 year old struggling engineer, from a well to do family in Bhopal, while watching the news of the blog on his TV in a 10 x 10 slum, “I am sure my parents would be very proud of my choice today.”

Not just men, even women from slums felt really proud of Mumbai’s achievement Delhi’s failure.

“I am born and brought up in Mumbai slums. These Delhiwalas think that just by having a better infra, these guys could beat us. Huh! A foreigner has shown them their true place. At least we are not polluted like them,” said a woman while holding her nose to avoid stench of garbage scattered around her from entering inside.

Meanwhile Delhiwalas are at loss as to how to counter this embarrassment.

“Can’t even use at least we have a metro argument now that Mumbai too has it. In fact it could backfire, as they have mono rail too,” said a Delhiite.

Pak replies to pigeon capture; arrests 300 ants, 20 spiders and 1 Geelani for trying to cross border illegally

Pathankot. Pakistan Army has today arrested 300 ants, 20 spiders and 1 Geelani for illegally trying to cross the Indo-Pak border near Pathankot. All 321 illegal immigrants have been charged with non-bailable offence of entering Pak borders without a valid Visa. 1 Geelani has additionally been charged with having no passport as well.

These arrests are being seen as a reply to an “arrest” of a Pakistani spy in Pathankot yesterday wherein a pigeon with Pak markings was detained by villagers near Indo-Pak border and was handed over to police.

While 200 ants and 17 spiders have reportedly perished during severe post-arrest interrogations by Pak Army, there is no news on the actual condition of 1 Geelani.

Pakistani soldiers carrying the captured insects (not to be confused with Geelani)

Pakistan army has alleged that there was something written on the bodies of all 321 detainees in English and since the knowledge of English language is pretty low on Pak side of border hence it is clearly an Indian spy exercise. A Pak army insider “Zafar Supari” (name changed) talked to us on conditions of anonymity:

“The kind of English language text which is marked on the bodies of insects, spiders and Geelani has been evaluated by our in-house oxford-graduated expert and he has concluded that the handwriting is definitely Indian. In addition the quality of English which is used in that text is only nearly perfect. A Pakistani Twitter user and a veteran #grammarnazi has been able to find same grammatical mistakes in this text which he generally finds on Twitter statuses of Indian users whenever he loses a debate with them. Isliye hum ye yakeen se keh saktay hain kay India waalay in keeday makodo ko bhej ke hamari jasoosi karwa rahe hain,” Zafar concluded.

“Endia ko laga hoga ki keede makode hain toh badi easliy Pakistan mein ghul mil jayengay aur pata bhi nahi chalega. LOL!” he added.

Amidst these espionage allegations it is also not clear what exactly was Mr. Geelani doing along with other insects at the border. While Mr. Geelani’s deep desire to cross the border at his own terms has been evident through his recent statements in media, and it is a known fact that his passport application was not upto mark but that still does not explain his actions at the border which led to this arrest.

Monday, June 1, 2015

IIT prof comes up with a formula to find out ‘How many Rahuls are equal to 1 Narendra Modi’

Mumbai. It may have been a comment made in zest, but IIT professor Vikram Chaudhary has taken Shiv Sena’s comment seriously. Prof. Chaudhary who heads the dept of applied mathematics at IIT Mumbai has gone ahead and calculated the number of Rahul Gandhi’s that will be equal to 1 Narendra Modi.

The formula is a logarithmic exponential poly-quadratic equation, factoring variables such as man-hours, domestic and overseas tours, speeches/interviews given and so on over a period of time. Prof Vikram says, “Going by the comparison numbers, PM Modi is way ahead of Rahul Gandhi. The only equating factor is attendance in parliament which is dismal for both.”

Rahul vs Modi has now excited IITians

Latching on to this opportunity, BJP spokesperson said, “What we have been saying for so long has now been validated by academicians also.” Thereafter some crackers were burst outside BJP HQ.

However Congress party has expressed its displeasure saying that the equation is flawed because it does not consider efforts of Rahul Gandhi after his return from self discovery trip. Senior congress leader Digvijay Singh lashed out at the findings saying that Narendra Modi himself is an imaginary number. “He should stop misleading the nation through such hate campaign and focus on fulfilling what he promised the nation before the elections. Narendra Modi can never reach the level of Rahul Gandhi,” he said as he reached out to touch Rahul Gandhi’s feet in a photo.

But Prof. Chaudhary has said that the equation was not worked upon to show Rahul Gandhi in negative light.

“Congress party should take it in a positive way instead of being in denial,” he argued.

The only consolation and positive that Congress derived from this formula is when Prof Chaudhary pointed that Rahul can take heart from the fact that he alone is equal to 2.5 KRK’s.

Man wearing saffron T shirt spotted in Gujarat, Modi blamed for rising saffronization in India

Vadodara. In a shocking incident of religious intolerance, a man in Gujarat was yesterday spotted wearing saffron T shirt. While some liberals termed it as danger to Idea of India, many of opposition parties’ MPs have already written a letter to POTUS asking him to dismiss Modi govt and takeover as caretaker PM to save minorities.

Congress has said that this is not the only case of blatant propagation of saffron-ism, it’s leader Digvijay Singh further taking up the argument presented a market research report that proves sale of saffron color clothes has shot by at least 600% since this new govt has taken over, ‘Isme RSS ka hath hai‘ he was heard saying to a group of reporters.

Liberals insist that Modi is saying that within 2 more years, he will complete saffronization of entire India.

Quoting an incident of last week when a youth from a particular community was denied confirmed Tatkal Rail ticket, Congress has also alleged that minorities are being discriminated everywhere by govt and all this is done on behest of rising Hindutva forces in Modi’s India, though Railway ministry later in a press release clarified that this happened because there was no room in the train, this justification found no takers.

Meanwhile AAP has claimed that Adani has now started growing saffron on the land he took over last year in Kashmir and all this is done to directly or indirectly benefit him.

When the man in news here was contacted by our reporter, he explained that the color was orange not saffron and wondered over the uproar now as he bought the T shirt 4 years back and have put on same many times since then, “Now I am afraid of wearing any color as I don’t know what colors are fine with everyone around,” he said.

While due to extreme media pressure govt has ordered an inquiry to look into the matter, some political parties have planned a candlelight vigil at India Gate tonight to protest against this saffronization and protect the secular fabric of India.

Many of the eminent writers and filmmakers too have criticized govt unequivocally for not taking proper action against those who wear such colors that may disturb communal harmony, writer Karundhati Rai who presently is in Pakistan to research on it’s thriving democracy, said, “It is just the first reported case, India’s secularism has always been shallow.”

“You see in their flag they have saffron on the top, so this word saffronisation might be a neology but this has always been a part of their culture,” she told a Pakistani reporter.

Nehra upset after not finding his name on the list of BCCI’s new advisory committee

New Delhi. Out of favour fast bowler Ashish Nehra was today mighty upset after finding that his name did not feature in the new list of BCCI’s advisory committee released by board secretary Anurag Thakur.

Lashing out at BCCI for not ignoring him despite his huge contributions in ~~opposition’s~~ India’s victories in the past, Nehra claimed he expected better treatment and respect from the cricketing body.

“Saalon chhodunga nahi tumhe” Nehra to BCCI.

“I was happy that they are following Mumbai Indians’ mantra of having best players in the business in administrative roles, after their IPL win, and hoped they would accommodate me also somewhere, but when the final list was tweeted, my name was nowhere to be seen,” said a disappointed Nehra.

Nehra was agitated that while BCCI recognized efforts of legendary batsmen Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and VVS Laxman by inducting them in the committee, they snubbed fast bowlers completely.

“They clearly forgot that all 3 of them were great batsmen and made those huge scores partially because I was in the bowling line up. How can they overlook such an important legend,” he said pointing towards him.

Nehra further pointed to his uncharacteristically good performance in just concluded IPL season.

“Judging completely on the basis of performance, I was the best bowler in IPL and should be made BCCI president, but I am not that greedy a person. I should at least be in Advisory Committee if not more,” he demanded.

Meanwhile Nehra has also received support from Delhi teammate Virender Sehwag, who has now given up hope of making a comeback into the Indian team and is instead eyeing a place in BCCI’s advisory committee.

“Nehra ji is very inspiring. I too qualify all the parameters on which Nehra ji is demanding the place he deserves in the advisory committee,” Sehwag tweeted.

After watching Bajrangi Bhaijaan trailer, Pakistani pigeon captured in Pathankot confident of being rescued by Sallu Bhai

Pathankot: A Pakistani pigeon was arrested and sent to jail by Indian authorities in this border town of India. That Pigeon revealed to us that it was used as an official communication tool from Pakistan to China, to carry official messages related to RANDI. It further expressed hope that it will be rescued by Salman Khan.

Locals of Pathankot had captured a white pigeon which was flying through their area and landed on one of their farms for drinking water, probably. While police investigations are underway and the pigeon is jailed, we somehow sneaked into the police station and requested for an interview with the pigeon. Since our correspondent knew Urdu, he somehow managed to converse with the pigeon.

“My grandma helped Salman Khan’s love. As a return help, Bhai should help my love.”, said that Pigeon with tears, as we showed her ‘Khabootar Ja Ja’ video in mobile.

The pigeon said, “I was on a secret mission to China. My Pakistani masters sent an message to our Cheen biraders. Since India is intercepting all modern forms of communications originating from Pakistan, our Intellectual Intelligence agencies have resorted to old form of communication for RANDI purposes. All communication between Pakistan and China is happening only via pigeons. Even, I was destined to reach Beijing, but was unable to cross the heat wave. I grew tired and thirsty and so came down for water. It was at that time RAW agents caught hold of me. Now, I’m stuck here. My lover boy pigeon who left a month ago for China will be waiting for me now.”

Saying so, the girl pigeon cried. We consoled her by giving few grains. After burping and shitting, she continued, “But my hopes are still not gone. Yesterday, the policemen here were watching Bajrangi Bhaijaan trailer and secretly, I was also seeing that from gaps. In that trailer, Salman Bhai is shown helping a Pakistani girl who comes to India accidentally. I’m sure Sallu Bhai will come here to rescue me too. He hates only mammals, but he loves birds. Inshallah Mashallah, if it happens, my mother will be happy to see him. Her mom was the one who helped Bhai several years back in Khabootar Ja Ja in Maine Pyar Kiya.”