Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Friday, December 5, 2014

Five ways to stop yourself from imagining that the only girl who liked your Facebook status is madly in love with you

To help young boys across the country who often believe that the only girl who liked their Facebook status updates is madly in love with them, Faking News brings five ways to stop oneself from walking down the same path:

It’s a simple act of clicking. Nothing else.

1. The first and most important fact – there is a huge difference between the act of liking of a girl’s status update by a boy and the act of liking of a boy’s status update by a girl. Although they look same, they aren’t. When a girl is liking a boy’s status update, she is telling the boy, “Jao aish karo.” It’s her way of doing charity work, she is being generous. And when a boy is liking a girl’s update, he is telling the girl, “This is all I have, but I am giving it to you, because I think I am in love with you. Anything for you darling.”

So, being a boy, it’s highly probable that you will think from a boy’s point of view, even while analyzing the girl’s like. Please stop doing that.

2. If there is only one girl who has liked your status update, avoid opening the box which shows name and DP of all those who liked it. When you look at the only pretty face, amidst faces of your other friends who have liked your update, your feelings for her are bound to increase. You will feel that out of all the 7 girls in your friend-list of 300, she is the only one who understands your feelings. This will drive your crazy and take you down the dark alley of one sided love.

But in reality, things are different. Why? Because of point number one.

3. Think of the effort it takes to like a status update, just a click and a fraction of second. Keeping aside the little effort of reading your update, it’s almost zero use of brain. But you used your brain to think the update, or maybe to copy the update, and all she has to give to you is a simple like. Commenting requires a bit more effort, even if it’s a “Wow”, “Awww”, or “Pakau“. Yes, even a negative comment like “Pakau” is more hopeful than just a like. In fact, “Pakau” comment is your best hope. Pyaar ki shuruat takrar se hoti hai. But just a like is nothing, maybe she is not that much into you. Otherwise she would have acknowledged your effort by making an equal effort.

4. Or maybe she is playing psychological games on you and entertaining herself. There are many out there, who do such things. Chances are that she is Rajat Kapoor from the movie “Bheja Fry” and you are Vinay Pathak. Think of her as someone who is controlling your emotions by a click of mouse.

5. Finally, reality check. Is her like really that rare and valuable? Try to analyze her social media activity and find out how she spends her likes. Is she extravagant and spends her like even on silly things like snake with five heads? Then the like on your status update is worthless. She is not in love with you.

Millions of Nehra supporters protest over his non-inclusion in World Cup team

New Delhi. Immediately after Indian selectors announced World Cup probables list, millions of hardcore Nehra fans and supporters took to social media and streets expressing their disappointment over Nehra’s omission from the list.

They felt cheated and shocked as to how selectors could possibly snub a rare talent like Nehra.

“Now that he is part of CSK, we were all the more confident of him making it to the probables list, but this is just ridiculous. I mean how can you treat a world cup winning star like that?” screamed a Nehra supporter from Alibag, who is also a Uday Chopra fan.

“He would make watching cricket so interesting,” said another fan, “His 10 overs would ensure, Indian had to invariably score more than 350 odd. So no match would be a low scoring dull affair.”

Such intensity would be missed during World Cup.

“Also nothing would be certain till the time his overs were left,” pointed another fan, “He had the ability to convert opposition needing even 45 in last one over also into a nail biting finish.”

Although selectors did seem to have compensated for his absence by selecting Ashok Dinda, but still fans claim he is no match for Nehra and argue that just like there is no replacement for Sachin, even Nehra is irreplaceable.

And its not just men but even women too seemed to be upset with selectors.

“His infectious smile to die for, would make girls like me go weak in our knees,” said a girl who is also fan of Rahul Gandhi’s dimples.

“There is just nobody in the squad who could live up to the standards Nehra’s teeth have set,” she rued, “I hope to compensate for his absence Pakistan selects Kamran Akmal, otherwise we wont watch this world cup at all.”

What seemed to have hurt fans more is that Media seems to have completely overlooked Nehra’s omission unlike Yuvraj, Bhajji, Sehwag, Gambhir and Zaheer.

Many fans congregated outside Noida film city, home to media houses, holding placards and charts having print out of 2011 world cup scorecards, to prove that Nehra was indeed part of the winning squad and that he was unfairly dropped.

Meanwhile in unrelated news Amit Mishra, 30+ old leggie, who has made it to the squad for the umpteenth time has decided to celebrate his selection by going on a family holiday, clashing with World Cup schedule.

“I am confident of not making it to final squad and playing 11,” he told Faking News.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Friday faking release: The Expendables 2

Will they get another chance to rise to glory?

BJP MP who claimed ‘Astrology is superior to Science’, offered role of daily astrologer in a News Channel after being criticized

New Delhi. BJP MP from Haridwar, Ramesh Pokhriyal, who courted controversy by declaring Astrology superior to Science in a parliament session was today offered role of a daily astrologer by a news channel.

The news channel reportedly struck the deal with Pokhriyal while thrashing and interviewing him for the backward remark.

According to sources seconds after the news reporter was done criticizing Pokhriyal on camera, he handed company’s offer letter to the BJP MP off camera, and requested him to accept the offer.

Pokhriyal was initially reluctant as he was against so much technology being used to broadcast a TV show. But he later accepted the offer after channel persuaded him.

“Not only does he have the required knowledge for the job, he also seems to be passionate and unashamed of what people think about his thoughts,” said the channel’s chief editor, “Perfect qualities to be a successful astrologer on a News Channel!”

This screenshot says it all.

The channel in question further revealed that it was the 2 minute commercial break during the interview which sealed it for the Ex Uttrakhand Chief Minister.

“During the break we saw him patting his child on his back after the boy told him that he has flunked in school’s Science exam. We were as shocked as his child but we knew we have found our man,” the editor disclosed.

When Faking News asked the channel if it wasn’t double standards on its part to mock a politician for such thoughts and yet have such early morning/late night astrology programs, they refused to budge.

“We must not mix business with pleasure,” argued the channels MD, supposedly referring to Astrology Programs as business and bashing MP’s for backward thoughts as pleasure.

Pokhriyal has however been asked to refrain from going overboard during the show.

“We are not competing with Comedy nights with Kapil. We would want to keep seriousness of such shows intact howsoever notorious they may be,” the editor explained.

News Channel later did a mock program first to check his compatibility with the callers.

Sources say HRD Minister Smriti Irani was reportedly the first caller who called on the show.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Bihar CM Jitan Ram Manjhi to release a booklet of his own world famous quotes

Patna. Keeping with the trend of release of booklets by various political parties, Bihar CM Jitan Ram Manjhi has decided to release a booklet containing all the brain-teasing comments which he made after becoming the Chief Minister.

Unlike the booklets by Congress and BJP, the one by Jitan Ram Majhi will be commercial in nature and will be published by Diamond Comics.

“It will be this big hit”

Reportedly, Congress’ “25 U-turns of NDA government” ignited this desire to have his own booklet inside Manjhi, but it was BJP’s “Mission Overseas: A book of Modi’s foreign visits” which finally forced him to take this project seriously.

“Even I am capable of becoming PM and visiting foreign countries. I am not inferior to Modi and my achievements are good enough to be presented as a booklet,” reasoned Manjhi, promising that his booklet will be even a bigger hit than Modi’s booklet.

As per sources close to Diamond Comics, on the lines of wise Chacha Chaudhary, Bihar CM wants to promote himself as Chacha Manjhi, whose tongue works faster than a computer.

Considering Manjhi’s natural skill of making his quotes go viral, Diamond comics is sure that the booklet will be a huge hit.

“He is better than Lalu Yadav. In fact, better than Rahul Gandhi,” said a senior executive of Diamond Comics, thanking Mr. Nitish Kumar for unearthing such a gem.

Meanwhile, Manjhi has started preparation from the D-day, that is release day of the booklet. His close aides say, Manjhi is working on a new comment, which he will give at the release function.

“Diamond Comics is not spending a single penny on promotion because Manjhi’s comment will be sufficient enough to make the booklet go viral,” revealed Manjhi’s PA.