Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Monday, August 4, 2014

Experts hail rise in Gandhian values in Delhi as people refuse to see any evil in Meerut

New Delhi. Leading social science experts and commentators have applauded the way Delhi elites have started returning to Gandhian values of “See no evil, Hear no evil, and Say no evil.”

These values were seen among Delhi’s politicians, social activists and celebrity journalists yesterday, when the news about forced religious conversion and gangrape of a 20-year-old woman in a Meerut madarsa came to light.

A celebrity journalist, a celebrity activist, and a Bollywood celebrity on the issue of Meerut gangrape.

“They couldn’t see the evil of religious bigotry in the forced conversion, they couldn’t hear her spoken complaint, and they didn’t say a word on the issue – see no evil, hear no evil, say no evil – perfect!” a social science expert pointed out.

When Faking News contacted a leading NGO working for women welfare for their reaction to this news, its president Mrs. Roy said, “Well I am very impressed by the overall reaction to this news by everyone concerned. By and large people of Delhi have followed the Gandhian values of ignoring anything evil and thus left this news alone. This is a positive change in our society and this way, we can build the India Mahatma Gandhi dreamt of.”

When this reporter clarified that we had asked for her views on the incident of gangrape, which was a heinous crime against women, the woman rights activist refused to comment saying police should do its work till the facts, which they always and already know, are found.

“We can help them find the facts with our moral compasses,” she added.

“However, we are happy to see return of Gandhian principles. This is for the betterment of the society,” she quickly added before leaving for a prime time TV news debate on crimes against humanity in Gaza.

Meanwhile, an enquiry commission of independent journalists has concluded that angry, abusive messages on internet have led to all these crimes in Uttar Pradesh, where people may not get electricity but get 24X7 broadband internet.

Identities of 4.59 cr mobile users still unknown, Dept of Telecom says ghosts are using mobile phones

New Delhi. Explaining the latest CAG report which claims that identities of 4.59 cr mobile users are still unknown, Department of Telecom (DoT) has made a sensational claim that ghosts were using mobile phones, which was making it tough for telecom service providers to complete the verification process.

“I don’t know who I am, where I live”

“According to our estimate, as of now there are around 4.59 crore mobile user ghosts out there, which is exactly same as the estimated count of unverified SIM card users revealed by CAG. This proves that those users are unverified not because of our laziness and inefficiency,” explained Ganesh Mishra, a senior DoT official.

As per DoT, it all began in mid 2000s, when few SIM card sellers complained of being contacted by ghosts, but police didn’t believe them.

Initially sellers resisted giving the ghosts SIM cards without proper identity proofs, but in retaliation ghosts started torturing them using their paranormal powers.

“The biggest problem is that the ghosts don’t have identification proofs like passport or driver license and neither they have a permanent residence,” said Area Manager of a well known telecom company.

“We even trying telling the ghosts to get Aadhar cards. We told them that these days anyone can get an Aadhar card, even illegal Bangladeshis. With ghosts being a legitimate resident Indians, they should have no problem. But lazy ghosts instead chose to torture us,” the Area Manager added.

If BSNL chief Narayan Dutt is to be believed, ghosts who earlier avoided to socialize even in their own groups, are slowly becoming more social and thus they are going for mobile phones.

“It is the impact of living with human beings, they are catching up with us,” Mr. Dutt claimed, adding that he had met a ghost in Delhi who often talked to his friend in Bangalore using BSNL SIM card.

“That ghost is in my WhatsApp contact list,” he further claimed.

Meanwhile, Sahara Chief Subrata Roy has claimed that these 4.59 crore mobile users are the same people who had invested in his company.

Man hospitalized after listening to Honey Singh and Kishore Kumar songs back to back

New Delhi. Lucky Singh, a 25-year-old man has been hospitalized after he listened to Yo Yo Honey Singh and (no such suffix) Kishore Kumar songs back to back.

Lo Lo Lucky, as he calls himself, who rarely listens to old melodies and who is an avid Honey Singh fan, was giving a try to Kishore Kumar songs on the occasion of legendary singer’s birthday today.

Doctors say back to back Honey Singh and Jagjit Singh could be even more fatal.

“While enjoying Honey Singh’s ‘Aaj blue hai paani paani…‘ he saw Google doodle featuring Kishore Kumar, which prompted him to make a Facebook status update paying tribute to the singer. So, he shared YouTube link of one of his most famous song ‘Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa...’ and even tried to listen to it. That was when he started showing abnormal behavior,” recalled Lucky’s flatmate Ayush, narrating things which happened this morning.

After seeing “Lo Lo” banging his head, crying and shouting in weird way, a terrified Ayush immediately called other friends and they somehow managed to take him to the hospital.

In order to bring Lucky under control, doctor gave him sedatives and shocks (some undisclosed songs), after which the Honey Singh fan became normal.

Explaining Lucky’s behavior, doctor explained that it happened most probably due to drastic change in the quality of songs he was listening to.

“Imagine jumping into a deep freezer seconds after coming out of a sauna bath,” Dr. Rafi explained to Faking News.

“Lucky’s friend told me that he was addicted to Honey Singh’s songs, and he used to listen to Himesh Reshamiya and Mika Singh whenever he felt like changing his mood a little. His nervous system was not yet ready for Kishore Kumar,” the doctor further explained.

Meanwhile following this incident, a warning has been issued by local administration requesting hardcore Honey Singh fans to avoid Kishore Kumar songs just because Google Doodle told them about this day.

“There is no need to put yourself in danger just because today is Kishore Kumar’s birthday,” urged a senior government official, “And those who really want to do that, please make it an easy transition. First listen to a slow song from early 2000s, then a Kumar Sanu song from 1990s and gradually move backwards towards Kishore Kumar songs.”

Friday, August 1, 2014

Alternative posters of Aamir Khan’s upcoming movie “PK”

With the internet abuzz after seeing almost naked Aamir Khan in the poster of his upcoming movie ‘PK’, the producers decided to realize more posters to promote the movie.

Following are the some exclusive ones accessed by Faking News:

Aamir is shown as a sports streaker here, the poster will give a message to not to indulge in such acts.

Another poster with a social message against open defecation, especially on railway tracks.

A poster from Breaking Bad, which shows Aamir helping Walter White ward off some trouble.

This poster shows Aamir doing an Aajy Devgan

Earlier blockbusters of Aamir will also be used to promote the movie

Finally, they found Rancho.

Kashmiris protesting for humanity in Gaza unsure if Kashmiri Pandits were humans too: Survey

Srinagar. A survey has revealed that Kashmiri who are currently busy protesting violently against the Israeli offensive in the Gaza strip are unaware if Kashmiri Pandits, who used to reside in the valley not too long ago, were humans too.

The survey was an attempt to check what comes under the purview of humanity for the locals in KashmirValley, who were protesting for restoration of humanity in Gaza.

According to the findings of the survey, while young kashmiris were almost completely unaware of the existence of pandits, the older brigade never saw anything humane about them.

Kashmiri Youth unsure of the CRPF official being human.

Kashmiri Youth unaware that CRPF officials are also human.

“What Pandits? Who are they? I have not seen or heard of anyone that you are talking about here,” argued a 15 year old boy and part-time stone pelter, while waving ISIS flag, which he claimed was some peace organization.

“If they were humans and part of Kashmiri lineage, we would have at least been taught about them in history,” another 14-year-old shot back when told that pandits were inhabitants of the valley 2 decades ago.

Following this, the elders, when surveyed, claimed that since pandits didn’t exhibit any human traits as per them, they didn’t deem it fit to talk about them to their children.

“I remember when some of our brothers threatened them to leave the valley, they simply fled from the valley without even giving a fight. I mean, they didn’t even form a terror group to take revenge! Humans don’t behave like that. I have only seen goats getting so scared,” reasoned a 48 years old man.

The hardliner Hurriyat chief Syed Geelani too claimed that that had he found Pandits a bit of human, he would have definitely carried out demonstrations in their support.

Having given up on the issue of Pandits, when surveyors asked why were they pelting stones in India for something that was happening in Gaza, locals claimed they were fighting the same enemy.

“Whether we pelt stones at Israelis or at army personnel here in Kashmir, it is the same satan everywhere,” a local preacher explained.

To promote his upcoming movie “PK”, Aamir Khan to walk naked on railway track from Mumbai to Pune

Mumbai. Aamir Khan, who is well known for his unique movie promotional tricks, has decided to walk naked on railway track from Mumbai to Pune, in order to promote his upcoming movie – “PK”.

By covering the distance of 150 km between Mumbai and Pune without clothes, Aamir is hoping to create the same buzz which PK movie poster created after it was released yesterday.

Aamir came up with this out of the box idea of getting out of his clothes while was he staring at his own movie poster to cross check if everything was perfect in it, for the 24th time.

Impact of Salman’s friendship?

However, PK star flatly refuses that he is using nudity to promote his movie.

“Yes, I know nudity sells, but believe me, I am not using it for cheap publicity,” rued Aamir Khan claiming that going nude was demand of the script. “The man your are seeing the movie poster and the man you will see walking from Mumbai to Pune is not a normal nude person. He is an intelligent nude person.”

As per Aamir, like many of his other films, his character in PK is unique blend of brain & beauty, and a nude poster coupled with nude promotion is the best way to let the world know about him. “There is a difference between nude art and soft porn,” he continued.

Beside movie promotion, by traveling for five days on railway track without taking dump, Aamir is planning to pass a social message too.

“I want to tell the world how bad it is to attend the call of nature on railway track or in open,” said Aamir who has already started preparing for his upcoming dare devil task.

Reportedly, in the Mumbai-Pune trip, Aamir will be carrying the two stereos to hide both front and back portion of his body.

“A crew is going to accompany him, which will take care of him, and will be live tweeting the whole event. So, social media junkies can expect many more nude photos of Aamir to create memes,” revealed a source close to movie Director Rajkumar Hirani, “It will help to make the buzz even stronger.”

Meanwhile, prior to starting his Mumbai-Pune trip, Aamir Khan is mulling to spend some time with a group of Naga Sadhus.

Friday faking release: Raaz

Mystery over Sonia’s inner voice continues.