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Monday, June 9, 2014

More IITs will bring down demand for IIT branded grooms, which is good for society: Smriti Irani

New Delhi. Justifying her government’s decision to push for 8 more IITs, HRD minister Smriti Irani said that a higher number of IITs will result in increase of supply of IIT grads, which ultimately will help check inflation in dowry market.

“It is a simple demand and supply concept. When we increase the supply, prices are bound to fall,” Smriti explained her masterstroke to counter increasing rate of IIT passed grooms in dowry market, “Our society is going to benefit a lot.”

Now, within your reach.

Although dowry is outlawed and a punishable offense as per Indian laws, the custom is still rampant in many parts of the country. Government says that they aim to make dowry such a worthless thing, that it will go away, like 50-paisa coins.

Market experts feel that parents who have to marry off their daughters in the next 5 to 6 years are going to benefit the most from the decision.

“Nowadays everyone wants IIT passed groom. But with limited number of such products, their selling prices are exorbitantly high, and they are beyond reach of many parents. However, creation of more IITs is going to flood the market with IIT grads,” explained Dharmatma Shukla, who runs a marriage bureau in Delhi.

“Now parents shopping for IIT passed grooms will be having more options to choose from. They can get passouts from newer IITs for far less amount of money. Almost with one swipe of credit card,” Shukla claimed.

“Unlike earlier days, let’s hope they won’t have to shift from IIT grads to NIT grads due to limited budget,” a hopeful Mr Shukla added further.

While the decision has been welcome by groom market watchers, fathers of boys have given mixed reactions to the decision. They are happy that the chances of their sons making it an IIT have gone up, but are disappointed that they might not get enough return of investment.

“Business is certainly not going to be as profitable as before,” said Ramesh Sharma, whose son is preparing for IIT-JEE, “I have warned my son to throw him out of my house if he fails to get into top 6 IITs. The coaching institutes charge so much money as if my son is already in IIT and an advance payment has been made or his future in-laws have pre-ordered him.”

Meanwhile, a coaching institute at Kota has launched a special course that prepares students for IIT-JEE and IIM-CAT, together.

“Only IIT is not going to help. They need to enroll for both to command good selling price,” said MD of the coaching institute while talking to Faking News.

Couple decides to have a 3rd child after first 2 fail to get enough likes on Facebook

New Delhi. Pitampura based couple Saurabh Jain and Anshika Jain have decided to go for a 3rd child after they were disappointed with the number of likes their 2 existing children get on Facebook.

As per a close friend of the couple, they have uploaded around 50 photos of their children – one a 2 years old son and another a 5 years old old daughter – but neither of them managed to cross 10 likes on any of the pictures, whether posted on timeline or after being made the profile photo by the couple.

Mr. and Mrs. Jain had earlier thought that they will stick to “Hum Do, Humaare Do” but now they have decided to “Just Do It” in search of a more photogenic baby who can get them their Facebook likes.

Jains were jealous when this picture of their neighbor’s baby got more than 50 likes within a day

When we contacted Saurabh to check the authenticity of this news, he told Faking News, “Yes yaar, we thought about it a lot and decided to for a 3rd child. All the time on Facebook we see pics of kids getting 100s of likes and when we upload pics of our children, somehow everyone forgets to like them. I even complained to Facebook, but no one responded. So we thought maybe the problem lies in our kids.”

“It gives you a bit of an inferiority complex when everyone else’s kids are doing better than yours in likes department,” Saurabh shared his grief.

Anshika, who was also present there, added, “You know, I even added dozens of random ‘Hey wanna do fraandship’ requests but those guys too like pics where I am alone. They ignore every pic where my husband or children are there. I wonder why! Anyway, now that strategy hasn’t worked so we just have to come up with more children. Maybe our luck will change with our next child.”

Saurabh and Anshika also hired a grooming consultant for their children to make their personalities more attractive and their photos more likable, but even that didn’t work.

“Grooming consultant was such a waste of money. Then we thought about getting a portfolio done by a professional photographer, but the amount he mentioned as fees, we can afford to raise another kid in that amount!” Anshika explained why they thought a third child was the best option.

When asked if they will go for a 4th child if the pics of the 3rd child too failed to get them their desired number of likes, the couple conceded that they had not thought about that yet.

“See, we don’t want to be pessimistic at this point of time. We remain positive and ambitious. We will get to the ‘100 Likes Club’ on Facebook we are sure,” Saurabh said.

Sources say that only yesterday Saurabh had liked and shared a Facebook post that claimed that if parents are happy during pregnancy, kids turn out to be very beautiful.

Hafiz Saeed slams TTP for taking responsibility of Karachi attack even before he was done blaming Modi

Karachi. Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) today came under scathing attack from Jamaat-Ul-Dawah chief Hafiz Saeed for claiming responsibility for the Karachi Airport attack, even before Hafiz had finished blaming Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi properly.

Arguing that Pakistan rarely gets such occasions to get even with India and blame them for such terrorist attacks, 26/11 Mumbai attack mastermind said that it was foolish and insensitive on part of TTP to let go of this opportunity.

Reportedly, Hafiz Saeed had already thought of 3 more tweets to target the new Indian government when the news of TTP accepting responsibility reached him. He was so incensed with the news that he wrote those three tweets on hand grenades and blasted those off to relieve his feelings.

Hafiz let his displeasure with TTP known.

“Here I am in the middle of establishing Hindu links of the attackers, waging a Twitter Jihad, and I find TTP already owning up the attack. I mean what nonsense is this!” Hafiz is reported to have said while throwing a grenade at his laptop. Casualties from Saeed camps are not yet known.

“I had even photoshopped few attackers by removing their beard, coloring their T-shirt saffron, planting tilak on their foreheads, and making them wear dhotis to strengthen my claim, and was just about to tweet them,” Hafiz further disclosed how TTP foiled his plans.

The JuD chief claimed that groups like TTP need to learn a lot from him.

“Patience is needed,” he said, “When we attack India, we should allow the Indians some time to fully condemn the Pakistan government before our government can blames it on non-state actors.”

Leading Ghazwa-E-Hind enthusiast and Hindu Banya critic Zaid Hamid too joined Hafiz in lashing out and went on to claim that TTP spoiled his party too, as he was ready with proofs to show Amitabh Bachhcan as the mastermind of the attack.

Meanwhile, now that it is established that attackers from within Pakistan, experts have advised Pakistan to not play cricket with itself.

“This will send a strong message to everyone, especially to India,” an official from PCB confirmed.

To make it possible, PCB will announce PPL (Pakistan Premier League) and impose a ban on it immediately after launching it.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Indian Railways to provide snore-blockers with every overnight ticket

In a series of announcements on improved services on the Indian Railways, the Railway Board Chairman announced today that snore-blockers will be provided free of cost to all passengers who travel on reserved tickets after 9 pm.

“Passenger comfort is supreme in our agenda. Many passengers would lie in their berths and start snoring. This caused disturbance for the other passengers and many of them had complained to us,” said the Railway Board Chairman, “As a unique initiative to increase passenger comfort we have decided to distribute snore-blockers to all reserved passengers travelling overnight.”

Saviour

On being asked how this, works the Chairman replied, “This is a set of state of the art soundproof ear-buds. Passengers can block all sounds by just inserting these in their ears when they want to sleep. These are built with the latest German technology and cuts off 90% of the ambient noise. We are calling these snore-blockers as snoring is a big contributor to ambient noise in the night. This can be obtained from the TTE on duty on the train on producing the overnight ticket.”

“We are very happy with this development,” said the President of the Railway Passengers’ Association, “I was once on a train and the entire coach sounded like a marsh of frogs in the rainy season. This step is definitely in the direction of passenger comfort.”

But not all were happy with the development. “They should have developed a flatulence filter to muffle the sound and neutralise the smell as those are deadlier,” a regular passenger on overnight routes told us.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Man finds pizza in box of cockroaches

Hyderabad. In a shocking incident, a man found a slice of pizza delivered to him along with a box of cockroaches that he had originally ordered for.

25-year-old Ajayendar Gautam was filled with horror and anger when he opened the box of cockroaches that he intended to gift to his girlfriend Yami Reddy.

Only one of the 200 cockroaches delivered appeared in healthy state

“Ridiculous service and pathetic packaging,” Ajayendar complained about Comino’s, the leading cockroach delivery company.

Ajayendar had ordered a set of 200 cockroaches to impress his girlfriend tonight, but now he’s wondering what he will do with what he has got.

“The cockroaches are all smelling like corn and capsicum and they are not even moving, most probably they ate all the cheese and are feeling lazy now. I’m not sure if Yami will get scared and cling on to me in fear once I unleash them onto her,” the romantic young man rued.

When asked why did he order cockroaches even though most relationship experts and doctors advise against those, Ajayendar said that he was impressed with the TV ads where he was promised fast delivery.

“Delivered within 30 minutes, or all the cockroaches free!” he revealed why he settled for cockroaches even though Yami loves roses.

Yami was not available for comment, but she is available for new relationship, latest reports suggest.

Babulal Gaur awarded honorary doctorate by SP School of Sociology

Lucknow. Madhya Pradesh Home Minister Babulal Gaur was today conferred an honorary doctorate by Samajwadi Party School of Sociology (SPSS) in recognition for his unprecedented and extraordinary contribution to the field of human social behavior.

The honor comes just hours after Babulal’s though-provoking statement, where he argued that rape was just a social crime and “sometimes right and sometimes wrong”.

Prior to this revelation by the BJP leader, rape was misunderstood as a law and problem for which local administration could be held accountable. However, Mr. Gaur demonstrated that there was nothing Uttar Pradesh administration could do, giving a certificate of innocence to Mulayam Singh Yadav and his Chief Minister son.

Father-son duo doing the honors.

Today, the father-son duo, who are also Director and Dean respectively at SPSS, decided to return the favor by awarding a Ph.D degree to Babulal Gaur.

“He was watching Babulal comment about rapes on TV and was totally awestruck by astute boldness of his thoughts. He suddenly called out to me in excitement and asked with tears in eyes ‘don’t you think this chap sounds a lot like me’,” a close aide of Mulayam disclosed how the senior Yadav was hugely impressed.

This is the first time SPSS has recognized and honored a person from another political party. Samajwadi Party’s in-house sociologists like Ram Gopal Yadav, Abu Azmi, and Azam Khan had earlier received similar honors from the institute headquartered in Saifai.

“We will never ask Mr Gaur to join our party as we feel every party needs such visionary leaders who can replicate our Uttar Pradesh model across India,” confirmed Akhilesh Yadav, Dean of SPSS.

“His thoughts will shape up thoughts of our students who will be in a better position to analyze their mistakes and work towards reforming the society,” Mulayam Singh Yadav claimed while giving the honorary degree to Mr. Gaur.

Babulal Gaur was visibly ecstatic with this honor.

“It is indeed a privilege to receive a doctorate from SPSS, an institute world famous for undertaking research and development in scenarios where the laws of the land are done away with. This is like training astronauts to live in a situation where the law of gravity can’t be felt,” he said.

Meanwhile with so many politicians openly defending and batting for rapists, criminal lawyers across India fear being out of work sooner than later.

Friday faking release: Mera Yaar Mera Dushman

A movie about Tharoor’s fluctuating views towards Narendra Modi