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Thursday, June 5, 2014

65 IT engineers write to Modi explaining how to flaunt first onsite US trip

Bangalore. Soon after Indian PM Narendra Modi accepted Barack Obama’s invitation to visit US, a group of 65 IT engineers has written a letter to Modi explaining how to flaunt first onsite US trip.

All the 65 concerned engineers have been to US in past, and they feel that it’s their duty to share what they know with the Prime Minister.

Modi ready for his first US trip.

“Going to US and all is fine, but what’s the use of it if people around you don’t know about that? It’s completely useless to go and come back quietly. It’s like putting over a Rs 500 shawl after wearing Armani suit,” said one of the signatories to the letter.

In the letter, engineers have urged Modi to immediately update his Facebook status and tweet something to let people in his social circle know that he is going to US.

Prateek Sharma, an engineer working for IT giant Dinosys, who popped up this letter idea, said, “Modi Ji should make neighbours like Pakistan, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Nepal aware that he is going abroad. It helps you increase your brand value. I went to US in 2009, just for a couple of months, but even today, my neighbours ask their children to think of me as their role model.”

“As he has to visit US in September, he must be feeling very excited, we can understand that. That’s why we have advised him to channelize this excitement properly and use the next couple of months to spread this news to every possible person on this planet, like I did back in 2009,” Prateek added.

Modi has also been advised to send laddoos to his political rivals. “It will make them jealous for sure. It’s a tried and tested trick. When I was offered an onsite opportunity, I did it with one of my colleagues,” quipped a friend of Prateek.

In the letter, the signatories even explained benefits of Facebook checking-in at foreign airports. As per them, it adds an international demeanour to the personality of the person checking-in.

“After getting photographed with foreigners and checking-in at local pubs, please don’t forget to update your status – Having dinner with Obama at White House,” read an excerpt from the letter.

Signatories have also requested Modi to keep talking about his US visit for atleast a month after returning from US. They believe, it would finally establish Modi as an international leader.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Rape survivors request UP govt to show same sympathy as they show towards rapists

Aligarh. After a spate of rape cases in Uttar Pradesh, the latest being rape of a women judge in the city, rape survivors whose lives were spared by the criminals, have appealed to the UP government to show same level of sympathy and concern towards them as is shown by them towards the rapists.

Arguing that Samajwadi Party leaders are not as malevolent and inhumane as they are made out to be, the survivors urged them to use their benevolence and humanity at the right place and for the right causes.

The father-son duo laughing off such appeals.

“Look at Mulayam ji’s concern for rapists and how strongly he defended and batted for them during elections; he surely can’t be that cruel and shameless,” one of the signatories of the appeal pointed out.

“If Mulayam Singh and Azam Khan could be half as compassionate towards us as they are towards rapists and buffaloes respectively, our lives would be much better and safe,” the signatory claimed.

The signatories further claimed that they may be a minority at present in comparison to rapists and molesters at large in the state, but their population has been rising thanks to the law and order situation in the state.

“If numbers are all that matters to the leaders, we have them in plenty. We don’t even ask for jobs, development, etc. All we need is protection and some mercy,” a rape survivor cited some demographic trends, hoping to fetch Samajwadi Party supremo’s attention.

While the appeal has been backed by many, UP Chief Minister Akhilesh Yadav has accused these survivors of being sensationalist and ignorant.

“They should google about rape survivors in other states of India and other parts of the world. No special treatment can be given to them,” Akhilesh showcased his higher education, which strengthened his knowledge on internet and international issues.

Sources say that some of the rape survivors did search for “compassion” on Google, and the result was: “The results are blocked in your region by authorities.”

Village barber buys electric shaver, government claims village has been successfully electrified

Daadhipur. The 67 years long wait to get electricity in this Uttar Pradesh village could get longer as the village has been marked as “electrified” by some babus after local barber Raju bought an electric shaver.

Raju, who has been using the good old pair of scissors and ustara blades, bought a Philips Aquatouch to show off among his peers, but little did he know that this will switch off any chances of electricity coming to his village.

“Actually the electric shaver was gifted to me by my friend, I don’t have money to buy such modern gadgets,” Raju later claimed, “And I didn’t get it to show off. I simply wanted to put an end to this bloodshed.”

The way the government babus see the electric shaver, on paper.

“I mean nick and cuts that people get during shaving, resulting in blood coming out of one’s face, else the law and order situation is all good here; only a few thieves,” Raju quickly clarified about the “bloodshed”.

Sources say that Raju is deliberately trying to hide the fact that he bought the Philips Aquatouch from his own savings, lest the government babus declare the entire village as prosperous and much above poverty line.

“If they can claim electricity reaching villages due to this electric shaver, they can surely declare the entire village socially forward and prosperous due to presence of a modern gadget!” the village sarpanch claimed.

When contacted, the government babus refused to comment, but they confessed that they had marked Daadhipur as electrified due to presence of the electric shaver. They have discounted the absence of electric poles and transformers as proof to the contrary.

“Bhai, we too have targets to meet. We need to show development, even if it remains on papers,” a senior bureaucrat in Lucknow said candidly, “And the village will get electricity. Now that they have got the shaver, they will want to charge its battery. kuchh jugaad kar lenge log.”

And it appears that the administration’s faith in local jugaad is not misplaced. The latest reports suggest Daadhipur is going gaga over the electric shaver.

“There has been over 81% increase in clean shaven youth since the Aquatouch arrived in our village,” claimed a local journalist who also doubles up as expert on everything, “Raju’s monthly income has gone up by 223%, while sale of anti-septic creams and ointments have gone down.”

According the latest reports coming in, Raju is now on prime time TV:

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Easy to smuggle, do-it-yourself coolers available in Munirka, hostel residents happy

New Delhi. Necessity is the mother of invention. In a development that will bring smiles to the hundreds of hostel inmates of IIT Delhi and JNU, easy-to-smuggle, do-it-yourself coolers are now available in the Munirka market of South Delhi.

Air Coolers are banned in the student hostels at IIT Delhi and JNU so students had to resort to tricks to smuggle them in to survive the scorching summers of Delhi. But now there is good news as shops in Munirka are selling this new variety of coolers that can be smuggled inside without any suspicion.

Easily dismantle-able coolers that can be smuggled with ease inside the hostel.

“We have basically dismantled the cooler into parts, ” a seller in Munirka told us, “So the motor and blades are separate. The enclosure has also been cut up in parts. All of these easily fit into a backpack that will escape the guards’ scrutiny. We provide a detailed do-it-yourself guide in English, Hindi and Punjabi besides screws, a screwdriver and a wrench. The students can easily put the parts together to build their own coolers in the hostel rooms once they have easily smuggled them past the security guards.”

“We had to either bribe the guard or wait for him to go and take a leak when we had to smuggle coolers into the hostels. Now we don’t have to do any such thing and we are very happy about it,” a third year BTech student told us on condition of anonymity.

When asked why they do not allow coolers in the hostels an official at the Students’ Affairs Section at IIT Delhi told us, “Coolers will give them a sound sleep and they will have bad dreams while sleeping. Recently we have banned non-vegetarian food in the hostels as non-vegetarian food gives people bad thoughts like smuggling coolers into the hostels.”

Monday, June 2, 2014

Taliban sends its representatives to Uttar Pradesh on a study tour

Lucknow. Impressed by the current law and order situation of Uttar Pradesh, Taliban unit of Afghanistan has sent six of its representatives on a study tour of the Indian state.

“We are a progressive group of individuals and never shy away from learning. Till now, we thought of ourselves as the best in business, but after reviewing the current situation of Uttar Pradesh, we got a feeling that we have got to learn a lot,” said Taliban chief Omar Hizbullah in his official statement.

Representatives were allowed to carry weapons for their own security.

Taliban chief also disclosed that because of the high risk involved, initially, he was reluctant to send his boys to India.

“The biggest fear in my mind was, what if Uttar Pradesh turned out to be a normal state. That could have hampered the sanity of our representatives badly, as they have never been exposed to rule of law. But thanks to the UP government, everything was as expected,” Mr. Omar Hizbullah added with a sigh of relief.

“The level of lawlessness has made them feel home away from home,” he disclosed that the representatives have already landed in Uttar Pradesh.

Experts tell Faking News that with the advent of democracy in Afghanistan, Taliban has been trying to figure out if Talibanization of a democratic set up was possible. Their UP study tour is part of the same endeavor, experts say.

As of now, Taliban representatives are touring all the districts of Uttar Pradesh and taking notes on how to screw up a society while in a democratic set up.

Talking to Faking News, one of the representatives said that he was very touched by the lack of compassion in the ruling class for the people of the state.

“To be frank, I am loving this model of ‘maximum government, minimum governance‘ practiced here,” said Mustafa, a Taliban representative currently touring Lucknow.

“Especially, state police. It’s really amazing to see the level of freedom they enjoy despite being under a democratically elected government. If given a chance, I would like to join Uttar Pradesh police,” he quipped.

With 100% FDI in defence, desi katta manufacturer appoints investment banker to get funding

Meerut. As soon as he heard the news that the new government could allow 100% FDI in the defense sector, Chhota Don, the local desi katta manufacturer jumped from his seat and drafted plans to take his business global.

As per the confirmed sources of Faking News, Chhota Don has approached few prominent investment banks to get PE funding for its operations. Chhota Don is a market leader in the desi katta market in central India with almost 95% market share in UP, Bihar, MP, Haryana, and other northern states.

Small startups are going to benefit a lot from FDI in defence.

“Such firms were always major players in the overall defense sector, which includes domestic defense,” an expert pointed out, “Since the new government has promised not too overlook SMEs and small entrepreneurs, it’s logical that these guys are excited at the prospects.”

“We are very happy about the new policy for allowing 100% FDI in the sector. It shall not only allow us to legally manufacture our products, but will also help us to upgrade and expand our state-of-art manufacturing facilities,” confirmed an euphoric Mr. Chota Don, CEO and MD of his unregistered firm Chhota Don.

With fresh funds coming in, Chhota Don also plans to diversify into newer products such as grenades, rocket launchers, anti-aircraft missiles etc.

“Currently we sell our products only in India. We couldn’t even expand to Nepal, but now we are targeting overseas market of Syria and Sudan,” Chota Don said, adding a bullet point to his powerpoint presentation that he intends to send to the investment bankers.

It is believed that the opening up of sector shall also enable such domestic firms to offer new marketing platforms such e-commerce and social media. Chhota Don has registered new domain name http://ift.tt/1n3f6jw to start its online sales operations.

“The overall arms market in India is unorganized and diversified amongst many players. The 100% FDI move shall enable such small domestic firms like Chhota Don to access capital not only from Dubai but from other territories like Somalia. The move is a clear walk the talk by Indian government with its adage minimum government and maximum governance,” commented one of the investment banker’s privy to the development but who did not want to be named.

However, Kroor Pratap Singh, one of the ex-robbers from Chambal, expressed his disappointment over the 100% FDI in the sector. He claimed that it will end up killing many small and cottage industries in central India. He went on to compare the same with FDI in retail.

“If FDI in retail could hamper the future of lakhs of small traders, then FDI in Defense shall also hamper the interest of thousands of illegal arms manufacturers in India. This new Government is working for benefits of only big companies!” Kroor Pratap Singh said.

But barring such small protests, the arms manufacturers are happy. Experts too believe that there can be about 10 PE deals in the next 2 years with investments of about USD 5 billion flowing in such deals. It is learnt that leading PE funds such as Ceqyoa capital and India growing funds are launching dedicated defense funds for such deals.

After being attacked by Shiv Sainiks, buses in Pune demand Z+ security

Pune. Fed up with being vandalized and attacked every time there was something controversial, Buses Association of Pune (BAP) today urged Home Minister Rajnath Singh that they be provided Z plus security.

The demand was made in the aftermath of the attack on buses by angry Shiv Sainiks, who went on a rampage protesting against derogatory posts on Facebook. The attack reportedly left 249 buses brutally damaged, with many of them struggling for their lives.

“In the view of the barbaric violence that our brothers and sisters were subjected to in last 2 days, we feel extremely unsafe and vulnerable on streets and request the concerned authorities to provide Z plus security to our community with immediate effect,” read a press statement by BAP.

One of the buses that was said to be in critical condition by a mechanic.

One of the buses that was said to be in a critical condition by a mechanic.

Buses are especially pissed off over the fact that they are attacked despite no bus ever deliberately hurting anyone, let alone posting anything on Facebook.

“Why are we being targeted? The only books we are registered in are RTO books, and none of us have registered ourselves with Facebook. We don’t even know who Shivaji and Bal Thackeray is,” cried a bus whose son had to be admitted in ICU of a garage.

“It is like firing your driver because you didn’t like food cooked by your cook,” the bus said, wiping his tears off the broken windscreen.

“We are the easiest targets in this country. As if petrol hikes and India losing a match was not enough, now they have started attacking us over something on Facebook as well,” the bus told Faking News.

Buses fear the activists of parties like Shiv Sena and MNS the most, who they claim have still not evolved enough to differentiate between living and non-living things.

“One MNS guy once tried to ask if we were from Bihar and strangulated us when we didn’t answer,” a bus recalled an incident that took place last year after a Bhojpuri movie poster was pasted on it.

The demand by BAP was supported by shops, private vehicles, and stones, which are often dragged into violence despite most of them being peace loving non living beings.

Following the non-violent protests by buses and their friends, the union government swung into action and announced a compensation of 1000 liters of unadulterated petrol for the buses grievously injured, and 5000 liters for the next of kin of those buses that could not survive. However, they remained non-committal on giving security cover to buses.

Meanwhile in a related incident, a Shiv Sainik claimed that he had to be hospitalized after he was poked on Facebook by the same people responsible for the objectionable posts.