Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Deepika Padukone to undergo plastic surgery to look like her Kochadaiiyaan avatar

Mumbai. After many fans and critics complained that Deepika Padukone was not looking like herself in her animated avatar in the recently released motion capture 3D animated movie Kochadaiiyaan, the Bollywood actress has decided to undergo plastic surgery to address this critical issue.

“This is a Rajinikanth movie and thus it deserves being a superhit,” Deepika’s personal assistant told Faking News, “That’s why she is making sure that the movie is perfect and appreciated by everyone.”

Deepika’s new look

Trade experts say that Deepika will re-launch herself with her new face this Friday, which should make her fans flock to theaters to see her new face.

“No, she will not come out on her balcony and show her new face while waving at fans,” her PA confirmed, “What’s the point of assembling a crowd outside her house when the same face can be seen on the screens?”

While many fans of Deepika are requesting her to reconsider this decision as they liked her current face more than the animated one in Kochadaiiyaan, fans of Rajinikanth believe that this is a very small step that she could have done to help Thalaiva.

It’s not yet clear when and where will this plastic surgery take place, but some experts believe that this could well be a stunt to promote the movie that has not opened to rave reviews, which is usually the case with a Rajinikanth movie.

“Why is she not coming out in public after surgery, and instead asking people to go to multiplexes?” wondered Poonam Pandey, who also expressed her disgust at such publicity stunts.

But some people think that Deepika is doing it to shed the tag of ‘panauti ’ (bad omen) that she has acquired over time.

“She doesn’t want to be seen as someone who caused a Rajinikanth movie to flop!” disclosed a person close to Deepika, “She took this decision after getting WhatsApp forwards claiming that Tiger Shroff in Heropanti was looking more beautiful than Deepika Padukone in Kochadaiiyaan.”

Monday, May 26, 2014

Six IT employees arrested for discussing things other than politics

Noida: In a bizarre event, a group of six IT employees have been arrested outside their offices during lunch hours on charges of discussing about personal matters when they should have been discussing political events.

SI (Sub Inspector) of that area, Mr. Pandey has confirmed this arrest to Faking News. “This afternoon we received a call from an unknown person who told us about this group that was discussing about their girlfriends, sex life, and lack of life, that is office life. How can we tolerate such casual attitude from our youth towards our country?” Pandey said.

Talk on appropriate topics.

When Faking News questioned the legality of the charges framde, Mr. Pandey explained to us that these guys had been arrested for the violation of “Rajnitik Dhara” that has been implemented in colleges and corporate offices after elections were announced.

Under this rule, if someone is found discussing anything other then politics around colleges and corporate offices, they will be sent jail for a minimum of three days to a maximum term of one month, depending upon the topic they were discussing. This rule will be in place till the Delhi Assembly re-elections.

Mr. Pandey further disclosed told us that the arrested guys could get a one month sentence as they were discussing about sex life despite working in IT employees.

“Had they been discussing about family issues, they might have got the minimum sentence. But the fact that they discussed sex lives and girlfriends, despite being engineers, made their offense non-bailable and serious,” the SI said.

During trial at the Noida sessions court, the accused reportedly told the judge they were unaware of the “Rajnitik Dhara” being operational. They claimed that they always used to discuss politics (Modi and Kejriwal) but they decided to change the topics as they were losing friends and teeth in the ensuing fights.

But the judge didn’t accept this excuse and sent them to jail. Apart from one month jail, the group of six has been sentenced to daily dose of Newshour debates of Arnab Goswami, so that they come out reformed.

Nawaz Sharif could be made a minister in Modi cabinet: Sources

New Delhi. If sources are to be believed, Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has been tipped to get a Cabinet minister berth in Modi’s government. The sensational revelation has left left many on both side of Indo-Pak border scratching their head.

Reacting sharply to the news, BJP’s key ally Shiv Sena’s chief Uddhav Thackeray, who was, according to sources, demanding a few more cabinet berths for his own MPs, said, “Now I know why Nawaz came to India despite facing criticism in his own country. Frustrated of regular arm twisting by Pakistan army, he was looking for a better job opportunity. But we will not allow an outsider to take away job opportunities from locals!”

Nawaz Sharif’s reaction to the news.

On being reminded that the news had come only from “sources” and was not yet confirmed by any authority, Uddhav calmed down. However, sources say that Shiv Sena is planning to withdraw support from the BJP government.

While the Indian news channels were frenetically trying to contact these “sources” that were giving exclusive news to Faking News, BJP supporters were busy trying to justify the incident if sources turn out to be correct.

“I guess Modi Ji has started the process of capturing Pakistan. Prime Minister of Pakistan is now just a minister in India!” tweeted a Modi fan.

On the other hand, capitalizing on the confusion created by sources, Congress has accused Modi of compromising on national security.

“My Doordarshan sources say that Modi will himself become a minister in the Obama government,” Congress leader Digvijay Singh lashed out at BJP.

Sources further suggest that this whole idea of Nawaz Sharif getting a place in Modi cabinet could be per-determined. Reportedly, Pakistan Army is planning another coup and this was all done to give an honorable exit to Nawaz Sharif. Sources in Pakistan confirm this.

Meanwhile back in India, after Faking News refused to divulge its sources, Indian news channels have started speculating which department could Nawaz Sharif be offered by Modi.

“Most likely he is going to get Defense Ministry, as he knows everything about Pakistan,” an expert on a national TV channel claimed. The expert further claimed that sources could be right as he could read the body language of Nawaz Sharif, which showed he was confident of getting a cabinet berth.

Meanwhile, our sources have confirmed that Nawaz Sharif had accepted the offer and will be soon taking charge as the Union Minister of Sources.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Congress poll panel blames 19-year-old Qaiser Ali for election defeat

New Delhi. Congress has finally identified the culprit for its electoral debacle in Qaiser Ali, a 19 years old boy. Declaring this, the spokesman of the panel investigating the party’s defeat in the parliamentary elections said that they have come to this conclusion after an intensive scrutiny, investigation, introspection, and analysis.

Incidentally, this boy was the owner of the twitter handle @PMOIndia for half an hour when the outgoing government vacated it.

“We found that Ali was responsible for the failure of dual power center structure of the UPA, mislaid charisma of Rahul Gandhi, sycophancy of congressmen, miscommunication between party and public, and various scams which surfaced in last few years,” the spokesman of the poll panel declared, making its findings public.

“We also found that he is responsible for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s silence, charges of illegal land deals against Robert Vadra, and probably rape charges faced by Tarun Tejpal, a respected secular crusader,” he went on to add.

Digvijay pointing to an ant which also could be responsible for Congress defeat.

“He could also be responsible the missing ‘Our Ideology’ page from our official website,” he further added.

Continuing further, the spokesman clarified, “It seems that Qaiser Ali, suspected to be an agent of forces inimical to Congress, was able to intercept the important communications, letters, files, official documents, emails, SMS & Whatsapp messages, twitter updates etc. when they were between the sender & the recipient and alter them to change their meaning completely thus embarrassing the UPA government.”

“The results of our investigations point to the possibility that the culprit was able to access the translation of Manmohan Singh’s silence, done by Pulok Chatterjee, the Principal Secretary in PMO, and change it leading to disastrous results. Using methods learnt from the movie 3 idiots, he managed to change the Rahul Gandhi speeches by inserting words like system and empowerment, thus making them sound like abstract ramblings of a confused leader. We have a strong doubt that he had something to do with the tempering of the famous lift video of the famous hotel in Goa. Many other heinous activities are documented in the report, in detail,” he explained.

Congress claimed his modus operandi in achieving these tasks is the only missing link which needs to be investigated and they have recommended that it must be thoroughly probed by an impartial, international agency.

Stunned reporters asked the spokesman about the improbability of a 19 years old boy achieving such impossible feats like getting access to classified communication and information and the fact that some events happened a few years back, when he could have been around 13 to 15 year old, the spokesman dismissed the question, “When our Vice President, Shri Rahul Gandhi can become such a great leader at the tender age of 44, this boy is already 19, an adult to boot and quite adept at achieving these hideous feats.”

Many Congress leaders have welcomed poll panel report as a fair and impartial assessment of the defeat and claimed that it could prove to be a game changer.

“This team displayed the maturity, responsibility, thoroughness and intelligence required for the inquiry. After all they learnt all these qualities from our great and visionary leader Sh. Rahul Gandhi,” Rajiv Shukla told this Faking News reporter.

Digvijay Singh, the general secretary of party, was not enthused, though, “I am not doubting the report, but I don’t think that Qaiser Ali is his real name. Anyway, I have only love and affection for the boy, love is what makes this world beautiful.”

Later in the day, Aam Aadmi Party offered party membership to Qaiser Ali. “If one has such disruptive and anarchist talent, such a person is most suited to us. He is destined for greater feats and we will groom him further, under the supervision of Bhartiji,” the spokesman of AAP said.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Separatist leader says not enough oxygen in Kashmir to adjust Pandits, return will suffocate locals

Srinagar. Criticizing BJP’s agenda of rehabilitating Kashmiri Pandits in the valley, separatist leader Syed Ali Shah Geelani has said that Kashmir did not have enough oxygen to adjust extra people. He cautioned that sending Kashmiri Pandits (KPs) back to the valley would suffocate locals.

“We love them, they are our brothers, but much water has flown under bridge since they left,” Geelani said, “We have recently seen that there is limited oxygen in the valley, and a sudden inflow of lakhs of Kashmiri Pandits will result into shortage of oxygen in the region.”

A Kashmiri Pandit carrying oxygen mask in Kashmir for safety of locals.

“Local Kashmiris will feel suffocated,” he claimed.

Geelani pointed out that earlier he had opposed too many pilgrims coming into valley for the same reason. He also accused Narendra Modi of being a fascist who was risking life of KPs just to fulfill a promise made in election manifesto.

When asked for proof backing his claims, the separatist leader referred to a new research published by All Parties Hurriyat Conference’s (APHC) R&D division.

Another member of APHC, Yasin Malik disclosed that his party had sent a group of scientists along with couple of Kashmiri Pandits to valley, where they analyzed environmental impact of KP’s presence.

“We took some KPs to the valley. Our scientists were carrying oxygen cylinders and AK47s, while KPs were allowed to breathe normally. After some time, we saw some local men gasping for breath. Since our scientists were not breathing extra oxygen, it was clearly due to the KPs inhaling oxygen causing shortage of oxygen for locals,” Malik explained.

Sources tell Faking News that the local Kashmiri was gasping for breath after the scientists asked him to run after the KPs, but Malik denies it.

Meanwhile Syed Ali Shah Geelani has found support from West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee, who has hailed his foresightedness.

“Modi just says that he feels the pain of KPs, but in reality all he cares about is himself. Thanks to Geelani ji, he is saving lakhs of lives and he is the true caretaker of KPs,” Mamata showered praise for the separatist leader.

On being asked if people of West Bengal didn’t feel suffocated due to influx of illegal Bangladeshi immigrants, Mamata said that Bangladeshi people consumed very little oxygen and were no threat to locals.

“Bangladeshis are habituated of living in an overcrowded country, so their oxygen consumption is very less; unlike Kashmiri Pandits, whose lungs are evolved to inhale more oxygen as they originally belong to a sparsely populated region,” reasoned Mamata Banerjee.

After Nawaz Sharif, BJP now invites illegal Bangladeshi immigrants for swearing in ceremony of Modi

New Delhi. After sending out an invitation to Pakistani PM, BJP has now decided to invite all illegal Bangladeshi immigrants residing in India for Narendra Modi’s swearing-in ceremony to be held on 26^th May.

While Nawaz Sharif was still seeking referendum from Taliban and Pak Army on whether he should accept invitation or not, this new development has totally driven some hardcore BJP supporters crazy and Congress party confused.

Sources say Sharif is threatening to slap Modi, while Modi is showing peace sign.

Terming the move completely hypocritical and a complete shift from the stand taken by Modi during campaigning, Congress slammed BJP for Kejriwal like U-turn.

“They said Acche din aane wale hain. Never knew they meant achhe din for Pakistan and Bangladeshi immigrants,” Manish Tewari said.

BJP, however, was quick to jump to its defense.

“We have invited all SAARC affiliated illegal immigrants in India and not just Bangladeshi immigrants. So don’t just single out them,” BJP spokesperson Nirmala Seetharaman argued.

This move has however totally baffled the likes of Giriraj Singh, who are now confused which country should they be sending Modi haters to.

Leaders from TMC too lashed out at Modi, calling this invitation a below the belt attack aimed at unsettling Mamata Banerjee.

“Didi decided not to attend Modi’s wearing in ceremony, so they are inviting the very people for who Didi took that stand and for whom her heart beats and bleeds. Very cheap way of making Didi forcefully attend ceremony,” Derek Obrien claimed.

However, the move has come as a relief to many people who thought a Modi led BJP govt would mean an end to things like corruption, terrorism, etc.

“First when they invited Nawaz Sharif, I thought it was one off blunder, or maybe LK Advani threatened to sulk again if his Pakistani friend was not invited. But now that they have invited Bangladeshi immigrants too, I am sure BJP’s stance is going to be totally different from what they projected during campaigning,” said a sarkari babu, who was worried about corrupt people being dealt with severely..

This change of position from BJP has also impressed LeT CEO Hafiz Saeed, who himself is now expecting an invitation from BJP any moment.

“Miyan jis tarah se dono mulkon ke beech guftagu chal rahi, koi bharosa nahi hame bhi bula le,” Saeed said while stuffing some achaar and bombs in his bag.

Meanwhile sources tell Faking News that this invitation to Pak PM is nothing but a well thought out strategy by Modi to unleash Arnab Goswami on Nawaz Sharif as soon he lands in Delhi.

Firday faking release: Law Abiding Citizen

Because staying in jail is also abiding law.