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Thursday, May 8, 2014

Committee of three retired tailors to look into Modi’s claim of 56-inch chest

New Delhi. Congress led UPA government has decided to set up a committee to investigate the issue of Narendra Modi having a 56-inch wide chest. According to Congress, Modi is distorting figures about his chest just like his Gujarat development figures.

“We cannot take him on a chest face value. He is a master of distorting figures and creating hype through lies. The country should know the truth behind the chhappan inch chhhaati, and if the claim is found false, Modi’s candidature should be cancelled,” Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari said.

Sources say that Modi is exercising daily to make sure his chest measures up to his claim whenever the enquiry committee summons him

Sources tell Faking News that once again, the government found it challenging to find a retired judge who was willing to head such a committee. After approaching fifty six judges, all of whom refused to head an enquiry, Congress decided to go for a committee headed by a retired tailor.

“One master and two tailors, all of them retired, will form the committee and bring the truth about Modi’s chest to the world,” Tewari announced.

“We will provide the honorable tailors the latest measuring tapes, sharp pencils, and notebooks. We will also provide them money for travel and stay; 56 lakhs rupees have been budgeted for it. The committee will present its final report in three months and an interim report after two weeks,” Tewari revealed.

Unconfirmed sources say that the appointment letter received by the senior tailor had “masterji, Modiji ki chhaati ek bilaang chhoti kar do” written on it, but both the government and the tailor, Lalji Darziwala, deny it.

“I have not been given any instructions. I will act independently and without prejudice or fear. I will find out the truth and prove that Modi’s chest is not 56 inch large,” the 66-year-old retired tailor announced.

While UPA allies have once again suggested that the government should avoid forming a committee when hardly a week was left before a new government takes over, Congress has decided to ignore such objections and go ahead.

“This is the vision of Rahul Gandhi ji who now wants to empower retired tailors,” a Congress leader explained why the party was resolute this time.

(based on a story tip though e-mail by Vilas Bade)

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Congress voter miraculously turns into BJP voter after seeing a lotus in polling booth premises

Amethi. Shaktimaan Shukla, a Congress voter miraculously turned into a BJP voter after he saw a lotus in the premises of polling booth number 42 of Amethi Lok Sabha constituency.

The incident happened when Shaktimaan was standing in the queue waiting for his turn to vote. It was then, he spotted a lotus strategically put in a corner to change his political beliefs and loyalty.

Highly manipulative

“The moment Shaktimaan saw the lotus, he fainted, though he regained his consciousness after a couple of minutes. However, just after two minutes, he was someone completely different. He started chanting ‘har har Modi‘ and ‘abki baar, Modi sarkar‘ slogans; he was no more a Congress supporter!” recalled Shaktimaan’s younger brother who was also present at the polling booth.

Sources tell Faking News that Shaktimaan, his family, and his entire mohalla have been traditional voters of Congress. This effect of lotus sighting has left all of them in a state of panic. Afraid of turning into a BJP supporter, all of them started shouting for help after putting their hands (incidentally also the Congress symbol) on their eyes.

As per onlookers who didn’t cover their eyes, none of the Congress poll agents dared or cared to remove the lotus as they too feared turning into BJP supporters. Finally, a dedicated Congressman risked his party loyalty and managed to put his handkerchief over the lotus to cover it.

Later, on the orders of Election Commission, Amethi police destroyed the lotus by shooting bullets into it. “We have ordered Amethi police to check all the polling booths as it could possible that such manipulative things are placed in other booths too,” an EC officer said.

Soon after the incident, Rahul Gandhi requested Congress voters to reach polling booths with their eyes closed so that they successfully end up voting for Congress.

“Our volunteers are going to help them to reach booth by holding their hands. We have got information that BJP agents are roaming all around in Amethi carrying lotus symbols in their hand,” explained Rahul Gandhi while talking to media.

This occasion was also used by many Congress workers to demonstrate to Rahul Gandhi that they were loyal and sight of a lotus didn’t change them.

“Forget being influenced by the sight of a lotus, I can take a bath in pond full of lotuses and still come out clean as a Congressi,” one of them claimed, but was quickly asked to keep quite by other Congress members who accused BJP of trying to influence voters.

Meanwhile, Election Commission has once again reiterated that only because of such incidents they are so against flaunting party symbols near polling booths.

Exclusive pictures: After wearing ‘Made in UP’ watch, Obama does things in Uttar Pradesh style

After Rahul Gandhi claimed that in future, US President Barack Obama would wear a ‘Made in Uttar Pradesh’ watch, Obama decided to give it a try without much wait.

Obama was surprised when his Uttar Pradesh made wrist watch suddenly sent out an alarm. Apparently this was preset to warn about Samajwadi Party youth workers coming to the town.

Impressed with this artificial intelligence and security feature of his Uttar Pradesh watch, the US President decided to try out more things in Uttar Pradesh way. Here are some exclusive ones that Faking News witnessed:

Beginning his day with a heavy banarasi paan instead of routine breakfast.

Obama has replaced his wardrobe with traditional UP clothes. On his way to attend a G-20 summit in a gamcha and lungi.

Obama has replaced his wardrobe with traditional UP clothes. On his way to address a G-20 summit in a gamchha and lungi.

Riding a buffalo instead of his presidential state car on streets of Washington DC.

Riding a a traditional vehicle instead of his presidential state car, in streets of Washington DC.

Enjoying the latest Bhojpuri flick on his TV. Michelle was busy cooking pakodas meanwhile.

Posing like people pose in front of Taj Mahal.

Has even got surgically operated to have a bent nose like Akhilesh Yadav.

Has even got surgically operated to have a bent nose like UP CM Akhilesh Yadav. He said he was feeling secular and young after the operation.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Kumar Vishwas arrested for violating sec 144 after policemen assemble to listen to his poems

Amethi. Last night Amethi police arrested AAP Lok Sabha candidate and poet Kumar Vishwas on charge of inciting violation of section 144 after dozens of policemen assembled outside his house to listen to his poem.

Clarifying charges on Kumar Vishwas, District Magistrate of Amethi said, “It was indeed an unlawful assembly as section 144 is currently applicable to Amethi. And considering poem recitation of Mr Vishwas, armed policemen could have gone mad in a few minutes.”

Kumar reciting his poem.

Reportedly, around 30 policemen wearing banyan-lungi and carrying their arms reached Kumar’s place after they heard melodious voice coming out from his house.

But as per Kumar Vishwas, he was just practicing his poems on terrace and he didn’t even invite the policemen.

“They are calling it violation of sec 144 because policemen were in civil dress, it’s a big conspiracy,” Vishwas said in his defense, “Those policemen were agents of Rahul Gandhi.”

However, the policemen who gathered outside Kumar Vishwas’ house denied being Rahul Gandhi’s agents. Instead, they claimed that it was Vishwas’ talent that set their feet in motion; to which Vishwas reacted blushingly, “Are kya baat karte ho bhaiya, main to hindi kavita ka sabse chhota putra hun, meri kya aukaat.”

On the other hand, Congress leaders from Amethi alleged that Vishwas not only incited violation of section 144, but he also violated model code of conduct.

“Campaigning time ended on Monday evening, but he was still campaigning for his party by reciting his poetry in loud voice,” a local Congress worker said, “He was trying to influence his neighbors by resorting to such guerrilla style canvassing at night.”

Another Rhaul Gandhi supporter said that besides promoting AAP, Kumar Vishwas was also promoting BJP ally Shiromani Akali Dal’s leader Prakash Singh Badal.

“He was saying, koi deewana kehata hai, koi pagal samajhta hai. Magar dharti ki bechaini ko bas (Parkash Singh) BADAL samajhta hai,” explained the enraged supporter, “It is a proof that AAP is a B team of BJP.”

Monday, May 5, 2014

Mumbai man charging rent from the ghost living in his flat

Mumbai. In what could be called a bizarre side-effect of soaring real estate prices in Mumbai, Dhanpat Agrawal, a city based management executive is charging rent from a ghost living in his flat.

Bhootiya Gupta, the unfortunate ghost, earlier used to live in a deserted fort outside Mumbai. Bored of monotonous life of the fort, he decided to move to the city and took shelter in Dhanpat’s flat.

“It’s 5th of May, where is last month’s rent?”

“I thought, I would get away with it. But to my surprise, Dhanpat shamelessly asked me to share flat’s rent if I wanted to live there. Who the hell behaves so rudely with a ghost?” wondered Bhootiya recalling his first meeting with Dhanpat.

Feeling insulted, Bhootiya initially refused to accept Dhanpat’s offer claiming that it was the fundamental right of a ghost to live somewhere without paying a rent.

“Not only he refused to acknowledge this right, Dhanpat told me that if I continued to live in his house without paying rent, he would stop getting afraid of me!” Bhootiya disclosed the mental torture he had to go through.

Stumped by Dhanpat’s resistance, Bhootiya started looking for a new house, where he was offered similar deals by Mumbai residents. Finally, unable to find a rent-free space, he settled down in Dhanpat’s house after a formal agreement to pay half of the rent.

To many, it may look like a case of human atrocity on the innocent ghost community who are habituated of living in houses without paying a penny, but Dhanpat doesn’t think so.

“Man, it’s too expensive to get a flat in Mumbai. I can’t share it just for free with anyone!” said Dhanpat while talking to Faking News. Dhanpat is also planning to recover half of the brokerage amount from Bhootiya.

Sociologists and thinkers feel that such a business based friendship between a human and a ghost could harm the social fabric and the idea of India.

However, as per Dhanpat, he shares a normal human-ghost relationship with Bhootiya. “I remain afraid of him and scream out of fear every single time I see him, which makes him very happy. It’s perfectly balanced and all is well here!” Dhanpat claimed.

Meanwhile, on suggestion of a friend, Dhanpat is planning to start a brokerage firm which will help ghosts to find suitable flats in Mumbai.

“As ghosts require almost zero physical space to live, I think many families would be ready to share their flat with them. Besides helping people earn few extra bucks to cope with high rentals, it will also make their life a bit more adventurous,” explained Dhanpat.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

BJP releases pics revealing friendship between Modi and many Congress leaders including Ahmed Patel

Delhi. After Sonia Gandhi’s political secretary Ahmed Patel rejected Modi’s claims of closeness between them, BJP has released a series of photos supporting their PM candidate’s assertion.

The sensational pics not only show Modi hanging out with Ahmed Patel but with other prominent Congress leaders too. BJP revelation has left whole Congress party baffled and they are planning to sue Modi for engineering a conspiracy to defame and to destroy their secular image.

Many secular Congress leaders, who were not present in the pictures, are in a state of panic. “I can’t sleep properly at night. Who knows, maybe I am his next target. He might call me his old friend,” confessed a perplexed veteran Congressman.

Sources tell Faking News that many other Congress leaders are expected to issue advance statements, as a precautionary measure, declaring that they have no links to Modi.

Another close aide of Sonia Gandhi went on claiming that he has not even heard of Narendra Modi in his life before.

Here are the pics released by BJP :

No one has ever seen Digvijay Singh this much happy

Manish Tewari, Modi and Ahmed Patel rocking the dance floor. Is Mr. Patel trying to hide his face?

BJP claims, Rahul joined Modi and together they performed a daredevil act for having some adrenaline rush. Reportedly, Rahul came here without telling his mom.

Sibal says, he was kidnapped by Modi and was crying for help.

Statue of Rahul Gandhi to be installed in Amethi so that people see him even after elections

Amethi. After Rahul Gandhi claimed that he, unlike his political opponents, will be seen in Amethi daily even after the Lok Sabha elections, Congress has found out a way to make this promise of their leader true.

The party has decided to install a king size statue of Rahul Gandhi in the Gauriganj area of the Lok Sabha constituency. This will ensure that people of Amethi see Rahul Gandhi daily, even if he is in Delhi or abroad in reality.

“We are calling it the Statue of Development,” a local Congress worker confirmed the development to Faking News, “Construction of the 7-feet tall statue will be completed in 7 months, and Rahul ji will unveil the statue himself on the new year’s eve.”

Statue of Sonia Gandhi has already been installed in Telangana, and now the party leaders want to give the same status to Rahul Gandhi.

Party leaders believe that this step would help Congress a long way, as Rahul Gandhi will be immortalized as a visionary, while the sight of him unveiling his own statue will impress those who have been voting for Mayawati.

When asked why construction of a simple statue was taking so long, the party strategists revealed that it was part of Congress’ idea of showcasing their model of inclusive development and social empowerment.

“We will give jobs to thousands of workers under MNREGA who would be employed in this grand project. They will get employment for seven months!” Amar Sen, a local Congress strategist-cum-economist explained the benefits of the long drawn calendar for statue construction.

Sen further revealed that keeping in mind the vision of Rahul Gandhi, 50% of the laborers contracted in this Rahul Gandhi Pratima Banao Yojna will be women, leading to women empowerment.

The whole project is expected to cost around 70 crore rupees and the UPA government is expected to sanction the project by tonight, even though model code of conduct is in place.

“However, we do fear that the project could be delayed,” Sen revealed.

“No no, delay won’t be due to Election Commission interfering; we are not worried on that aspect,” he clarified, “We may have situation where some RTI queries raise questions on some aspect of the project, and some months are lost in explaining the procedures and decisions.”

“But we have provisioned 50 crore rupees extra for such contingencies, so such delays are not much cause of a concern,” he added, “After all such delay will only show benefits of RTI, another tool of Rahul Gandhi ji.”