Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Friday, May 2, 2014

Pic: Nana Patekar takes DNA class of Abu Azmi

Nana Patekar teaches Abu Azmi a lesson in his own style after he claims DNA of Muslims not voting for Samajwadi Party needs to be examined and checked if they belong to RSS.

Abu Azmi turns into a zombie, on a biting spree to mutate Muslims into creatures like himself

Lucknow. After saying that there was a need to check DNA of Muslims who didn’t vote for Mulayam, Samajwadi Party stalwart Abu Azmi has tuned into a living zombie to control the DNAs.

He is reported to be on a biting spree to mutate all Muslims into creatures like himself, to make sure his zombie Samajwadi Party doesn’t lose votes.

A close friend of Abu Azmi told Faking News that after delivering the speech, Azmi realized he had unique powers like that of a Zombie.

“His bite causes DNA mutation, and the person whom he bites becomes just like him, mentally,” revealed one of his friends on conditions of anonymity.

Socialist Zombie

While this might appear a medical condition, Samajwadi Party is banking heavily on Azmi to get a good percentage of minority vote bank share.

“Whatever Abu Ji is doing is for betterment of society,” said Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Akhilesh Yadav lending support to his party leader.

“I am urging my Muslim brothers to not be afraid of him, he is not a butcher or a demon. His bite is like a vaccine, which will protect people from communal diseases,” Akhilesh added further.

The Uttar Pradesh CM also requested voters to find the nearest person infected by Abu Azmi and get vaccinated as soon as possible. Samajwadi party workers are volunteering by helping to transport the infected people to remote areas, where they can bite others to increase their crowd.

“We have also started an emergency helpline for our Muslim brothers who feel that they are going to vote for some other party. They can give a call on our number and we will make an infected person available at their doorstep within half an hour,” an excited SP worker said.

Even senior leader like Azam Khan felt the need to get bitten by Abu Azmi. “I respect this man a lot. I am yet to reach his level of sanity. Hope this vaccine will help,” said Azam Khan showering praise on his fellow party member.

However, in many Muslim dominated areas, there is a chaotic situation after news went public and people were spotted running here and there to save themselves. As a precautionary measure, many have wrapped steel sheets around their body and were seen carrying sticks in their hand.

Friday faking release: Gandhi my father

When Priyanka claimed that only Rajiv Gandhi is her father Narendra Modi lovingly called her beti.

When Priyanka claimed that only Rajiv Gandhi is her father after Narendra Modi lovingly called her beti.

Azam Khan’s buffaloes devastated after their DNA found similar to that of Abu Azmi

Rampur. Senior SP leader Azam Khan’s buffaloes have gone into depression ever since a DNA test conducted on them has found their DNA to be almost the same as that of Abu Azmi.

Their disenchantment came to light after one of them tried to commit suicide.

“We found CDs of Mualayam Singh Yadav’s speeches from her possession,” SP of Rampur confirmed the suicide attempt.

Earlier today, acting on the advice of Abu Azmi, Azam Khan had ordered a DNA test on his buffaloes to find out their faith and loyalties. Azam had plans to sacrifice and eat those buffaloes who were revealed to be infidels. However to his relief, all his buffaloes had a similar DNA to that of Abu Azmi.

Visibly shattered.

Though Azam Khan was delirious, his buffaloes were a shattered lot, with many of them having vomiting sensations after realizing that Abu Azmi was one of them.

The fact that they turned out to of same faith as that Abu Azmi not only shocked them but also left them confused.

“How can DNA of a buffalo and a donkey match?” wondered 16 year old buffalo Shazia who had earlier tried to escape from Azam’s custody.

Buffaloes, who were earlier facing tough competition from their owner Azam when it came to producing bullshit were, now worried that with Abu Azmi too in fray, they may have to eat more.

Buffaloes are further worried that since it is established from their DNA that they were Azmi-certified-Muslims, they might be hanged if they are found mating.

However, some close and intelligent animal friends of buffaloes tried to console them by arguing that there is no way to find out anyone’s faith through DNA test, and hence they need not worry.

While some buffaloes made peace with the fact, but some weak-hearted buffaloes were just not ready to buy it and were seen considering animal change operation on the lines of sex change operation.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Pakistan renames one of its provinces as Kashmir, attacks it and wins it

Lahore. In an out of the box solution to the Kashmir issue, Pakistan government renamed one of their province, Jalulistan, to Jammu and Kashmir, and then attacked and conquered it.

Frustrated with the long agonizing wait to get the real Kashmir, government’s decision came as a respite to the whole nation of Pakistan, including natives of Jalulistan.

Pakistan government has appealed to people of Jalulistan to maintain peace and called the attack a routine drone attacks.

However, initially Jalulistanis were indeed shocked to see their own army bombing the province, but they didn’t mind it once they came to know that they were no longer Jalulistanis.

“By the time the bombings began, they had already renamed our province to Indian occupied Kashmir. As a result, we were kind of happy that we, the Indians, were getting bombed to make Kashmir a part of Pakistan,” said an excited Jalulistani, wiping the blood coming out of his forehead.

Sources tell Faking News that Pakistan army faced a little bit of opposition from some terrorists, who started infiltrating into Jalulistan as soon as it was been renamed to Kashmir.

“These terrorists are brainwashed to infiltrate into Kashmir. So, when they heard of a new Kashmir, they just couldn’t stop themselves,” said an officer of Pakistani army on the condition of anonymity.

But sources reveal that a section of Pakistani government and the ISI is still supporting the terrorists in the newly formed Jammu and Kashmir.

“They too are brainwashed. Will take some time to adjust to the new realities. They have been doing this for ages, and they don’t know what to do other than planning Kashmir based missions,” revealed a highly placed source from across the border.

“We expect withdrawal symptoms and some casualties due to boredom,” the source added.

As per insiders, some of the over excited officers of Pakistani army were even ready to nuke Jalulistan.

“It was an opportune moment for them to live their dream of dropping a nuclear bomb; so what if their target was their own country. But later, they mellowed down and consoled themselves with a few missiles only,” disclosed a Pakistan army insider.

Meanwhile, Pakistan government has requested India to rename the real Jammu and Kashmir to something else, as this will help Pakistan adjust to the new reality faster than feared.

After Pollard’s stellar performance last night, MI to drop him from squad and induct him in advisory role

Mumbai/UAE. Extremely impressed by Kieron Pollard’s stellar performance in last night’s game against Sunrisers Hyderabad where he smashed a breathtaking 78 off 48 balls, the Mumbai Indians team management has decided to reward him by dropping him from playing eleven and inducting him in advisory role.

He will now join the ranks of Sachin Tendulkar, Anil Kumble, Rocky Ponting etc. in the already over crowded but gifted advisory board of Mumbai Indians (MI).

Mumbai Indians now intend to utilize his talent in guiding youngsters and other players rather than winning matches for their franchise.

Running towards the dugout.

“We realized he was wasting his talent scoring runs and putting team into winning positions and that a player of his stature should be in advisory roles, passing his time in dugout, cracking jokes, cheering the team and passing on his invaluable expertise to the playing 11,” John Wright, MI’s head coach explained.

“Though we had doubts about dropping him since his knock couldn’t help team win, but we took a chance,” MI’s assistant coach Robin Singh revealed. Fielding coach Jonty Rhodes wasn’t available for comments.

However this development doesn’t seem to have augured well with fans who were already disappointed with 5 consecutive losses of MI and had their hopes pinned on Pollard for a revival. Many of them let their anguish known on social networking sites.

“Ha! Mumbai Indians is probably the only place where managers outnumber the employees,” read a tweet by a techie from Thane.

“If MI management ran Australian Cricket board, we would have never seen Sir Bradman play. He would have remained a part of support staff,” said another tweet by a fan from Worli.

Meanwhile MI captain Rohit Sharma says he is happy for Pollard but he himself doesn’t want to be a part of advisory board or coaching staff at all.

“That’s precisely the reason I am not performing,” Rohit told Faking News.

Shaving razor confesses to have drunk more blood than a vampire

Mumbai. In a sensational development, a razor blade today confessed to have inflicted far more cuts and nicks on a human being during shaving than those inflicted by a vampire during full moon.

The confession

Mark Sharp, the blade who has been residing at Versova in house of a filmmaker, made this dramatic confession when the house owner was shaving to get ready for a late night party.

“From a cut on the chins to a chip near the lips, I’ve explored all possible areas from where I could get the hemoglobin and protein rich drink,” Sharp disclosed the shocking truth in his confession.

“Red drink gives me teeth,” the blade further revealed how every cut inflicted by it only made it more resolute for the next cut.

The filmmaker, who is clean shaven despite the fact that grown up beard and long hair are taken as signs of creativity, confirmed that he witnessed the confession and recorded it on camera:

“To be frank, it was horrific! But come to think of it, we never realized this horror when we got all those shaving cuts!” he said.

“I mean, it’s as good as living with a vampire. And we are hardly concerned about it!” he added.

“But now I’m confused. Should I grow beard?” the victim of the metal vampire wondered.

Similar fears were expressed by many other men who watched the video.

“We used to call them ‘Safety Razor’ and thought it was a cutting edge technology that saved us from wounds, but now we understand what was ‘cutting’ about the technology,” a 23-year-old man said, “Now we have to look for a better technology.”

To the rescue of such concerned men, some professional vampire slayers say that there is a new technology, which is cutting edge but leaves no cuts on any edges of the face: Aquatouch.