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Monday, April 28, 2014

Frustrated of being turned into poll agenda, Vadra chops off Antarctica from Earth to create his own planet

New Delhi. Miffed with constantly being under attack by the opposition parties for his dubious land deals, Robert Vadra has chopped off Antarctica from Earth to create a planet of his own. Vadra’s out of the box solution to get rid of all his worries at once came as a surprise not only to BJP but to his own family too.

Sources say that initially he was trying to create a separate planet by using the land plots that he held. “He wanted to dig out all his properties and use the mud and rock to create a new small planet. Idea was to launch the planet into space using a rocket and place it in an orbit around the Earth,” revealed a source close to Gandhi family, “He wanted it to be the second Moon of Earth.”

Because having a private island or land is too mainstream.

“But the plan couldn’t materialize as Rahul Gandhi was repeatedly pressurizing Mr Vadra to take a few lakh poor people with him and drop them on Jupiter so that he can talk about empowerment,” source added further.

It was then, that Robert Vadra decided to donate all his land to the Indian government and instead take away whole of the southernmost continent – The Antarctica. The government of India brokered this deal with the rest of the world, sources tell Faking News.

As per Congress leaders, Robert Vadra wanted to live peacefully with his land, but blame game of elections foiled his dreams badly.

“BJP should be ashamed of its act. Such a gentleman Mr Vadra was, that he donated all his costly plots in India and settled down for place like Antarctica. BJP drove away such a big hearted man from this country,” said a visibly upset Digvijay Singh lashing out at the saffron party.

Reportedly, before chopping off Antarctica and flying away with it, he left a note for his in-laws and wife which read: “Please don’t send any space mission to find me and my planet, which by the way have been named – Roberta. Will contact you after a year, till then I want to enjoy much needed solitude with my land and Penguins. Goodbye.”

Meanwhile, remembering Robert Vadra, Rahul Gandhi shared a two years old incident with public at a rally in Haryana.

“Once Jija Ji took me to a chocolate shop and bought me a Kit Kat. And you know what, he didn’t give the shopkeeper money. Instead he gave him ten meter of land in Rajasthan,” recounted an emotional Rahul Gandhi, revealing the original toffee model.

Transcript of Arvind Kejriwal’s interview for job of a C++ programmer

Arvind Kejriwal recently gave an interview for a job of C++ programmer. Here is the full transcript:

Kejriwal giving interview.

Interviewer: Welcome, Mr. Kejriwal. Please have a seat.

Kejriwal: Nah! I am an aam programmer and I sit on the floor. I actually wanted to sit outside your office entrance, but your HR team insisted me to attend the interview inside the office only. So here I am.

Interviewer: Thats fine with me. Please push the chair aside and sit comfortably on the floor. Now, tell me something about yourself.

Kejriwal: Let me first tell something about the programmer whom you gave “Best programmer” award last month. He is actually corrupt. I have done complete survey of your company and the 10 million lines of code of your software product. I have 370 pages of reports which shows that the code he has written has caused the maximum number of memory corruptions. You are encouraging his corrupt acts by giving him awards and promotions, and this is setting a bad precedent to others. This cannot last long. Rest of the employees will not forgive you.

Interview: Ok, ok, calm down. I asked you to tell me about yourself, not about our employees. Anyway, lets leave that aside. Now tell me what relevant experience you have for this project and how you can contribute to the software?

Kejriwal: Look, I might not have the relevant experience, but my intentions are good. Give me some time, and atleast I will do something. I am here to clean up your code from memory corruption, memory leaks & compiler warnings, and change the whole software system. You might have sold millions of copies of your software and earned billions of dollars but don’t forget that your customers are fed up of your autocratic software which does not give them any flexibility. I will change the software architecture also completely.

Interview: That is interesting. Why do you think our software is autocratic & how do you intend to change the architecture?

Kejriwal: I believe in Swaraj. Power in the hands of the user. Everything must run on referendum. For example, your software assumes that a document has to be auto-saved every 3 minutes. Why? Instead, I will change the software and introduce a pop-up box which comes up once in every 3 minutes asking “Do you want to auto-save the document? Yes/No?“. Let the user decide whether he wants to auto save or not.

When the user double clicks on an icon, it should come with a popup asking “Did you really double click the icon? Yes/No?“. If he clicks on Yes, it should come up with another popup asking “Did you double click it in order to open the document? Yes/No?“. Only if he clicks Yes again, it should open the document. Power in the hands of the user. The user should feel the he controls the software, not the other way round.

Interviewer: That is impressive indeed. We had never thought of it. Do you have any more ideas for our software solution?

Kejriwal: Of course! Consider your customer service. Whenever a user’s software crashes, it sends a report automatically to your support center. When a user has a problem or doubt, he directly calls your call center. I think this is a totally outdated concept and needs a complete overhaul.

Interviewer: Is it so? Tell us how do you intend to overhaul it?

Kejriwal: I will come up with “Customer Darbar” process. If a user has a problem, he has to wait till the weekend. Every Sunday morning, I will conduct the “Customer Darbar” where all the users who have faced problems will come with a print out of their problem statement and start assembling outside the office from 8 AM. I will go at 10 AM and personally collect all those print outs from them and submit it to our support center, which will then take over from there and resolve those issues. “Customer Darbar” is my highly sophisticated, patented idea, which can be applied to transform the company.

Interviewer: Excellent idea!! I am sure it will “transform” our company. Coming to the next question. What is your take on security? Do you think a programmer should write code keeping security considerations in mind? You know, there can be virus attacks anytime.

Kejriwal: I am totally against security. Why does a code need security? All the code that I write will be aam software code and it does not require any security or anti-virus. In spite of it, if the rival company plants a virus and it affects a certain feature of our software, there should be a referendum pop-up box saying “So-and-So feature is affected due to a virus attack” and depending on user’s input, the software will either delete the feature itself, or shut down the computer if the user does not respond within 49 seconds.

Interviewer: That is a mind-blowing idea. Now I am running out of time and would like to finish this interview with this final question. We interviewed 3 other candidates before you today. Tell me why should we hire you instead of them?

Kejriwal: I was sitting in your parking lot since 8 AM today and I have seen all the candidates who attended your interview. The first candidate came in a Tata Indica. This proves that he is an agent of Tata. The second candidate had a Reliance CDMA phone, and that proves he is an Ambani agent.

The 3rd candidate was very silent and even when the parking attendant greeted him, he did not greet back and went silently. Why was he silent? His silence is a proof of his confession and that he is hiding his guilt. I tried to get his attention by coughing loudly but he did not even turn towards me. I was very curious and went to the parking spot where he had parked his vehicle. I was shocked to find that it was actually a huge SUV and there were several stickers of Mickey Mouse & other characters. Upon close observation, I noticed a small sticker of Disney’s Pluto as well on the SUV’s tyre frame.

That explains it all! Pluto is a puppy. Pluto sticker on SUV tyre. Connect the dots: “Puppy under SUV“. He must be a communal fascist with blood in his hands, and that’s why he does not have the guts to face anybody.

Now you tell me, do you want a Tata agent, Ambani agent, communal fascist, or an aam programmer?

Interviewer: You have great investigation skills, Mr. Kejriwal. Anyway, I am done with the interview. You may leave now. Our HR team will get back to you on May 16.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Set Max viewers file PIL to stop broadcast of IPL 7; bring back ‘Sooryavansham’

A scene that has been etched in the minds of Set Max watchers for eternity.

New Delhi. After getting extremely bored by the seventh round of the Indian Premier League, a clutch of cricket loving lawyers got together to file a PIL to stop the broadcast of the IPL and bring back Set Max’s legacy broadcast movie – ‘Sooryavansham’.

“IPL 7 is so boring that I have been missing what Set Max used to show all the time, all day long, on infinite loop,” Tadapit Kumar, a concerned cricket lover said.

“To be fair, I miss the movie because it was bad on so many levels. The thirty year old’s role played by Amitabh Bachhan in the movie, actually much looks older than the father’s role Bachhan played!”

“The teams have changed so much that Delhiites like Sehwag, Nehra and Gambhir are actually playing for non Delhi teams,” Tadapit added. “While watching the matches, it is extremely unclear who is actually playing for whom. Case in point, Yuvraj Singh was Kings XI Punjab for so many years but he is with RCB now.”

“So a few of us have gotten together and decided to file this PIL now,” he said. “If not Sooryavansham, maybe Set Max can show us Rahul Gandhi’s speeches. Now that is wholesome entertainment!”

BJP to install camera, like one on IPL umpire’s head, on Ramdev to monitor his utterances

New Delhi. Embarrassed by his latest utterances, where he ended up insulting dalits while trying to mock Rahul Gandhi, BJP has decided to keep a constant eye over Baba Ramdev, and other similar mouthed leaders.

Sources say that the party has decided to fix a camera on Baba Ramdev’s head, which will live telecast everything he does and says. This will allow BJP to issue clarifications and spins on Baba’s statements in advance, much before they turn into raging controversies on TV and Twitter.

“We are not snooping on him,” BJP leader Amit Shah clarified, “We are just making sure things don’t go out of control when polling is in the last phases. It’s just a security measure to save Baba from ferocious critics.”

BJP may use a heavier camera to restrict Baba’s movements.

“We respect individual freedom and that’s why we are not asking Baba to shut up,” he added.

The news soon reached Congress High Command, who were quick to jump to the defense of Baba Ramdev for the first time terming it a fascist usage of technology.

“This is attack on privacy of a person who is is showing signs of turning secular with his actions. Ramdev may have said a thing or two about Rahul Gandhi Ji, but we all took it sportingly,” Digvijay Singh said as he extended an olive branch to Baba Ramdev urging him to forget past and start afresh.

As the development started inviting reactions from all quarters, Ex BCCI chief N Srinivasan too came out of his bunker, demanding royalty from BJP for using a technology which he claimed as brainchild of IPL and BCCI.

DDCA president Arun Jaitely was immediately sent an SOS by BJP, who later flew down from Amritsar to Chennai and calmed N Srinivasan down.

Meanwhile according to insiders an experimental run of the idea failed miserably, as 90% of the time Baba Ramdev was in some weird position making it impossible for BJP to decipher and understand what is happening from that angle.

Parliament to introduce new houses for candidates finishing second and third

New Delhi. In a major decision taken in a secret meeting attended by all political parties, it was decided that the Parliament of India will have two more houses – apart from the existing Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha – where candidates finishing second and third in ongoing general elections will be accommodated.

“After all, they have won so many votes of people. They have a right to become honorable MPs,” a leader justified the decision.

“It sucks when you have to go through all the security checks at airports and stand in queue at various places, just because you got a few thousands vote less,” he explained the rationale.

According to unconfirmed sources, Robert Vadra could be given the contract to construct the new houses. Although some sources say Suresh Kalmadi is leading the race to get the contract.

The proposal is believed to have received strong support from AAP and Congress although BJP has not spelt out its clear strategy on the issue. Regional parties see this as a golden opportunity to get a house in the posh Lutyen’s Delhi area, something which has been a dream for them.

“We are hoping that we can bring a leadership revolution in the country. If this idea succeeds, we will want the same to be implemented for state legislatures, right down to the gram panchayats. Imagine, how many political leaders we will have!” said a newly formed leader.

According to the proposal, each candidate who gets the second highest votes will be made a member of the new “Vote Sabha”, while the one who stands third will be made a member of the “Note Sabha”.

“These names are basically to underline the importance of various elements in our electoral process,” a member of the “Parliament Reorganization Committee” told Faking News.

The members to these new houses won’t have voting rights, but they will be able to discuss bills and raise questions in the parliament. They will also be encouraged to shout and walk-out to feel like real MPs.

But most importantly, they will be entitled to privileges and perks just like MPs. However, there is a catch; the people of the constituency, from where they have been ‘elected’, will be directly responsible for meeting their expenses.

“A new tax will be imposed and people will be asked to pay monthly, just like they pay other rents, to feed their MPs,” revealed the member of the committee, “This will help people realize how much money is wasted in parliament, and maybe one day they will ask for a better organized parliament.”

Friday, April 25, 2014

Friday faking release: Sister Act

Its all about ~~power~~ family’s honour

10 steps Election Commission could have taken to ensure more voter turnout in Mumbai

Yesterday Mumbai once again lived up to its name of a city that gives a damn, by showing middle finger to the elections. In hindsight, a few proactive steps by Election Commission could have ensure in getting healthy voter turnouts:

1. Polling Booth inside Dadar Station: Installing a polling booth inside Dadar Station alone could have ensured a 70-80% turnout in Mumbai. In addition to this, one poll booth in one Kalyan bound fast local in the evening hours itself could have added another 15% of Mumbai votes.

2. Election Commission should have picked up and forcefully made people loitering aimlessly outside Salman Khan’s galaxy apartment residence and Shahrukh Khan’s mannat residence to vote. That could have upped the turnout by another 5-10%.

3. Threat to ban on Vada Pavs: A Mumbaikar may go without oxygen for a day, but Vada Pav is his staple diet. There have been instances when fights have broken out over Vada Pavs. For Mumbaikars it is Jar, Joru, Jameen and Vada Pav. A threat to ban this very symbol of survival if people don’t vote could have ensured a good turnout.

Few people from Bollywood who may be outcast after they recklessly turned up to vote.

4. Approaching vehicles on SV Road: Had Election Commission asked its officers to approach every vehicle stuck in a jam (big or small) on SV Road during evening, and made them vote on a portable EVM then and there, it would have ensured good turnout.

5. EC could have tied up with developers/owners of Candy Crush, Temple Run, etc. and asked them to allow only those who have voted to play these games. They would have agreed to it as a part of their Corporate Social responsibility.

6. Twitter/Facebook: Especially for Mumbai people, EC could have come up with an option to vote directly from Twitter and Facebook accounts. People could have voted which could have generates an automated tweet like I have voted for AAP/BJP/MNS. Have you?

7. Vote from home: Another facility for lazy rich brats of Mumbai, where in by shelling few lakhs they could have availed service of having a dedicate EVM directly couriered to their homes, on which they could have then hired another person to just press the button.

8. EC could have hired professional photographers like Daboo Ratnani etc for a day and promised people especially from South Mumbai of a nice photo of their inked finger if they vote.

9. A polling booth inside Café Leopald, Gokul and Toto’s Bandra at any given point in a day would have gathered at least half of Mumbai votes.

10. A rumor by EC that groups like AVICII, AKCENT etc are performing at every booth in the city could have brought more people to the booth.