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Monday, January 13, 2014

UPA-II did a lot of good things for Indians without their knowledge: Sushil Kumar Shinde

New Delhi. After disclosing that Arvind Kejriwal was being provided security cover without his knowledge, Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde today claimed that the central government did a whole lot of good things for India and its people which they have no knowledge about.

According to him, the UPA-II has been working on a mission to do things that are good and secret in nature e.g. development and security.

Shinde tried best to talk to media without their knowledge but failed.

“This was being done as it was the duty of the government to carry out good governance,” he said.

“It is just not in our nature to do good work and then go on boasting about it in rallies like Mr Feku. We are humble that way. We like to talk about minorities and dalits there, who have benefited due to our schemes without their knowledge,” Shinde said, without repeating.

“We are firm believers of a saying by a Sufi saint karm kiye ja fal ki chinta na kar,” he explained. When this Faking News reporter pointed out that it was a quote attributed to Lord Krishna, he asked us to be careful and give credit to minorities too.

“Do you think without our outside support AAP would have been able to form government in Delhi?” Shinde shot back when prodded with with questions to mention at least one good thing (according to him) that they did.

He further claimed that the government’s approach of doing things without the knowledge of targeted groups was extended to the government itself. He revealed that all the scams that took place under UPA’s nose took place without government’s knowledge.

“However, once we came to know about the scams, we decided not to stop them. Had we done stopped the scams, do you think we would have seen anti-corruption movements taking birth?” he asked before leaving to attend a music launch party.

Man gets drunk only after two pegs, attempts suicide out of shame

New Delhi. Somras Awasthi, a 24-year-old man attempted suicide after he got drunk and lost his senses, only after two pegs of whisky at a weekend party.

One of his close friends Bopdev revealed that Somras was very ashamed of his “performance” in front of his colleagues from the office, where he joined merely a month back.

Sipping more than you can gulp?

This was Somras’ first party with his new office friends, in fact, it was Somras who pestered them into organizing a “daaru party”.

“He was quite confident of his drinking capacity; at least this was what we felt after hearing his boastful stories about daring daaru parties. He claimed that he could drink half a bottle of whisky, neat,” said one of his colleagues when asked about Somras.

“God knows what’s the truth, we thought he was an avatar of Dionysus, Greek god of the winemaking and wine. But we were shocked to see him vomiting only after two pegs,” he added.

Somras felt so insulted after the party that he tried to commit suicide by drinking the whole bottle neat, after which he was immediately admitted to hospital. Doctors say he is out of danger.

“It is like, I lost my manhood. There was a time in college days, when juniors used to look up to me as a source of inspiration,” a depressed Somras told Faking News. He insisted that he was once a voracious drinker.

“It is time for introspection, and I need to emerge stronger from this gloomy situation,” he said. Somras has applied for a week long leave to practice drinking, his boss confirmed.

However his colleagues say that he is just trying to avoid facing them out of shame.

“He promised big and failed to deliver. Now he is trying to give it a spin like a politician. But we are not just another aam aadmi who will fall for promises and accept excuses,” one of Somras’ colleagues said.

Government decides to use ‘missing’ coal files for Lohri celebrations

New Delhi. In a sparkling start to the new year, government has found the missing coal scam files and has decided to use them for Lohri celebrations.

“It is like a permanent solution to coal scam, apart from the fact that we love celebrations,” coal minister Shriprakash Jaiswal told Faking News.

“Na rahega baans, na bajegi baansuri,” he said, insisting that baans (bamboo) symbolized governance while baansuri (flute) symbolized celebrations.

Happy end of the matter

Sources say that Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh has approved the decision and is ready to attend the celebrations wearing a blue turban.

“With the files turned to ash, I am pretty sure that the history will be kinder to me,” Prime Minister hoped.

When asked if the Congress high command was taken into confidence before taking such an important decision, a part insider said, “Rahul Gandhi ji is anyway a fan of tearing unfavorable things down and throwing them out. He will be happy.”

“In fact, he is going to burn many other things. Only last night he read about how Kejriwal had put copy of Lokpal bill and electricity bills on fire. Rahul ji has already announced that he will learn from Kejriwal, so he will personally put the files into the bonfire,” the leader claimed.

However it is not yet clear how the “missing” coal scam files were recovered.

“That’s not the issue here. The issue here is that we are celebrating Lohri. Only a communal person will talk about files when we are talking about celebrations,” coal minister told this reporter when he tried to find out.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Bachelor tries to make Gulab Jamun at home, ends up inventing a new sweet dish

Bangalore. Boka Chaturvedi, a 25 years old bachelor working at an MNC has accidentally invented a new sweet dish while trying to create Gulab Jamun.

Elusive beauty, not easy to replicate.

Boka credits the distance of Bangalore from his home town as the main reason behind his success. “It has been 6 months, since I visited my parents last, so obviously no homemade Gulab Jamun in the last 6 months. I was feeling very low, and it’s then I decided to take matter and frying pan in my own hand,” said Boka justifying the famous quote, ‘Necessity is the mother of invention.’

It took Boka around a week to convince himself that he could do this seemingly daunting task. Finally, one fine Saturday he gathered all arms and ammunition required to make Gulab Jamun, and took some expert advice from his mother and YouTube.

As per Boka’s flatmate, Boka even went to a nearby temple to get Hanuman ji’s blessing. But Hanuman ji is widely recognized and celebrated as a bachelor, so on suggestions of a local priest, he visited Parvati Mata mandir, as she being a caring mother could give more effective blessings.

All was going fine, but everybody was shocked to see the end product. “From appearance, it was nowhere close to a Gulab Jamun. It was stark black, almost reminded me of the coal scam,” claimed Boka’s flatmate who is a Twitter and news addict, “But when we tested it, it was altogether a different sweet dish.”

“It seems something went wrong while Gulab Jamun was in its premature phase of cooking. But as said in Gita, ‘All happens for the Good only’, I ended up inventing a sweet dish,” Boka boasted.

On suggestion of a close friend, Boka has even applied for a patent of the new dish, which he has named – ‘Boka Jamun’.

The new invention has made Boka Chaturvedi an overnight star and reportedly he is even getting invitations from various national and international cookery shows.

People close to Boka say that he wasn’t any child prodigy who was expected to make international news. “Although, Boka was an underperformer in office, I always knew that one day he will become a great person because of his mistakes,” Boka’s boss told Faking News.

Meanwhile, presence of such an aam-inventor in country has attracted AAP’s attention. “He is an aam-inventor with a simple engineering degree and is not a VIP scientist like Einstein and Newton, he deserves to be in AAP,” claimed a party insider.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Tired of working hard to see his boss benefit, man joins movement to see leaders benefit

Bangalore. Anil Adarsh, a young executive who had been working his arse off in a software services company, today joined Deshbhakt Aadmi Party (DAP) to work his arse off in a mass movement.

Anil was disillusioned with corporate life where he used to work hard day in and day out, and his boss used to get all the credit and promotions to get ahead in corporate life.

Anil is hopeful of bringing change

Now he will work hard day in and day out and help the leaders of DAP get ahead in public life.

However, Anil insists that there is a qualitative difference.

“I will not take any salary. I am not doing it for money,” he explained.

Dhiraj Prasad, now the ex-boss of Anil, has accepted the 26-year-old executive’s resignation and has wished him all the best in this career move.

“I didn’t know that salary part was hurting him so much,” he told Faking News, “If his idea was to work without any salary, we could have stopped paying him any salary long back.”

Anil reiterated that guys like Harendra and this reporter will not get it.

“It’s different,” he said about Deshbhakt Aadmi Party, “I will be working for the betterment of the society. I will be part of a revolution. It’s not about my future; it’s about future of the country.”

Anil hopes to use his skills to spread the message of DAP among his social circle and inspire more people to join the movement.

When asked how was he so sure about integrity and motives of people he would be working for, he said, “These people are good.”

Anil is confident that this new phase in his life will not be as banal as boring as earlier.

Meanwhile sources say that Dhiraj Prasad, the boss, is also planning to join DAP after a few weeks.

“He is waiting for his contractual term to get over, get the severance package, secure his family’s financial needs, and then make a new career move,” a source revealed, “He could be given a senior role in DAP given his experience and expertise.”

Kejriwal’s reaction to Shinde’s revelation about secret security cover

Kejriwal’s reaction after Sushil Shinde revealed that security cover is being provided to Kejriwal without his knowledge.

RTI filed to know names of those 14% people in TOI survey who still want Rahul Gandhi as PM

New Delhi. Shocked by results of the recent survey conducted by TOI across 8 metro cities in India where a staggering 14% of people still think Rahul Gandhi would be best suited for Prime Ministerial position, an activist group from capital yesterday filed an RTI to know the names of those people.

The group said they wanted to make sure the results of survey were not fudged and were not unfairly favoring any particular party or candidate.

Rahul’s response when asked what percentage of people will he ensure vote for him by elections.

According to the group at a point when even Congress is not sure if it should project Rahul Gandhi as their PM candidate or go for Arvind Kejriwal Priyanka or somebody else instead, it was baffling for them to see people still seeing some hope in the Gandhi scion.

“Are these guys aliens who have just landed in India or blind like supporters of a self declared honest party?” a member of the group wondered.

The group further wanted to clear their doubts if the participants were drunk or were just pulling Rahul Gandhi’s leg just the way Manmohan Singh does when he time and again says he wants to work under Rahul’s leadership.

While the findings are still being collated, whatever little the group shared with Faking News points at a larger conspiracy.

According to findings, senior party members Rajiv Shukla, Digvijay Singh and Salman Khurshid are among few others whose name has been found to be among those who voted for Rahul. But what is more shocking is that these guys were able to vote from 6 out 8 cities surveyed.

On further investigating it was found that Congress high command had the itinerary of the places and timing where survey was going to be held beforehand and had accordingly asked its members to be on high alert and make their presence felt wherever possible.

Following the orders those 3 leaders decided to take up the challenge on a war footing.

As per sources after voting for Rahul Gandhi in Delhi, Rajiv Shukla took a flight to Mumbai voted for him there, then took a bus to reach Pune, voted there, then flew down to Kolkata, Bangalore and Chennai to express his opinion.

Similarly other leaders also disguised their look and planned their day.

Later Faking News tried to reach Rajiv Shukla at AIIMS hospital where he was forcefully admitted after signs of severe exhaustion and is now on a glucose drip.

He was furious as doctors didn’t let him cover Hyderabad and Ahmedabad which severely impacted the outcome in those cities with meager 8% and 5% wanting Rahul as PM.

“My life is not more important than Rahul Gandhi ji,” he was constantly saying.

However Congress high command is shocked how could details related to a private survey done by TOI come under RTI and get leaked.