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Monday, May 13, 2013

When Rahul Gandhi was given a 1000-rupee note by a Chaiwallah

The man with chai ki kitli took out a thousand-rupee note from his weathered wallet. There was something about the resolve that inspired him to part away with almost a week’s earning.

For Rahul Gandhi, it was a potential life-changing moment, when Kaushal Singh, a chaiwallah, offered him his hard earned money to start a new business.

That was on April 25. The 42-year-old has since done nothing with the money he was given, has continued with the family business of politics, and has got an assurance of the post of Prime Minister whenever he is ready.

It all started when Rahul’s motorcade stopped at a traffic signal in Bhopal. “Chai kyun bechte ho? (Why are you selling tea?) Do you invest in stock market?” the Congress vice-president asked the man holding out a cup of tea.

Kaushal, who has been selling tea at traffic signals for twenty-two years now, said he went to a government school and wanted to be a doctor, but he had to give up his dreams and continue in his family business of selling tea.

Chance encounter brought some momentary hope

Kaushal’s grandmother was known as the town’s chai queen whose employees would throw salt in competitors’ brews whilst his great-grandfather was the famous as the first modern chaiwallah because he used a home-made gas burner.

He still keeps their pictures at the stall. “Sometimes I think people come because of them and not me,” he recounted his story to a riveted Rahul Gandhi in jeans and kurta, with whom he could strike a chord.

Forced into the family business, his dreams of becoming a doctor were dashed and his self-esteem suffered.

“You feel low sometimes,” his eyes welled up as Rahul Gandhi offered him a tissue paper. However, the chaiwallah refused the tissue paper and instead took out a thousand-rupee note.

“Yeh rupye le leejye. Aap kuchh naya kijiye. Family business mein kuchh nahi rakha hai (Please keep this money and start something new. There is no fun in family business),” he told Rahul.

Those who were accompanying Rahul that day said he was moved. He took out his wallet and kept the crumpled 1,000-rupee note. A happy Kaushal blessed him. “I hope to see some change,” he said.

Rahul kept his wallet back in his jeans. “I will try my best,” he told the man, “I will remember what is in my genes and what is in my jeans.”

Then the motorcade moved on.

Rahul’s mother Sonia couldn’t believe her ears when her son told him about his brief interaction with Kaushal. “Baba, you actually met a chaiwallah while moving with z-plus security and he gave you this 1,000-rupee note?” she asked.

Someone called Digvijaya Singh suggested keeping the note as a souvenir.

However, Rahul Gandhi soon realized that politics was everywhere, in his shirt, in his pant, in his kurta, in his jeans. He dropped the idea of moving away from the family business.

And then Congress won Karnataka elections. Rahul Gandhi’s vision and leadership was applauded. Kaushal Singh’s advice and thousand-rupee note were seen as a liability.

Back in Bhopal, Kaushal was summoned to local Congress office, where he went with his son, who too wanted to be a doctor and not be trapped in the family business of selling tea.

Kaushal was hoping to hear some good news and tell his son to take inspiration from the youth icon who battled against all odds and left his family business to do something new.

But he was returned the 1000-rupee note that he had given to Rahul Gandhi. No interest was paid either. Kaushal was a little confused, and so was his son.

When the father and son looked up, brain fried in confusion, they saw a giant photograph of a smiling Rahul.

(the story idea was provided by Faking News correspondent Simon, and writing style was inspired from this awesome article)

Congress adopts property dealer who gave free land to Robert Vadra

Gurgaon. A day after Congress adopted a boy in Madhya Pradesh who gave free newspaper to Rahul Gandhi, the party has adopted a man – a property dealer in Haryana – who gave free land to Robert Vadra.

“Pappu Lamba will now be the official property agent of Congress,” a Haryana Congress leader announced.

“Although the party is not officially into real-estate business, we have decided to return the favor to Lamba, who gave 3 acres of land free to Shri Vadra and helped daamaad-ji grow his business by leaps and bounds,” the leader quickly clarified.

Vadra showing the symbol of his trust

Speaking exclusively to Faking News, Robert Vadra confirmed the development and said that it was in the blood of Congress to help those who have helped the party at crucial junctures such as Rahul Gandhi’s desire to read a newspaper.

“Of course, people like Narsimha Rao are exceptions; what is a rule without exception?” Vadra responded to a query by Faking News on why some people were not returned the favor.

He refused to comment when asked if Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was also an exception to the above rule.

Although Vadra is a “private citizen” not an official member of the Congress party, the step is being seen in harmony with the events seen a few months back when Congress leaders were out in open supporting his allegedly murky business deals.

“After all I’m part of the family, and the party definitely helps people who help the family, if not the party,” the son-in-law of Sonia Gandhi claimed.

To buttress his point, Vadra pointed to the case of National Herald – a newspaper Congress adopted because it helped Jawaharlal Nehru – and Pratibha Patil, who cooked and washed for Indira Gandhi and was adopted as the President of India.

Meanwhile Pappu Lamba is a happy man. After being adopted, he has expressed his desire to fly to Karnataka, the latest state to be ruled by Congress, to seal some land deals for Robert Vadra.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Manmohan Singh joins Sehwag’s school as Economics teacher

New Delhi. After rumors of rift between Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh grew stronger, MMS (Manmohan Singh) has decided to join cricketer Virender Sehwag, who lost his place in team after there were reports of rift between him and Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

“Prime Minister sees a lot of similarity between himself and Sehwag,” a PMO source claimed, “Sehwag was the Vice Captain and Manmohan Singh is virtually the same; Sonia Gandhi is the Captain. Media talked about Dhoni-Sehwag rift, and now they are talking about Sonia-MMS rift.”

Sonia Gandhi pushing Manmohan Singh out?

The PMO source further claimed that similarities between MMS and Sehwag didn’t end there.

“Both of them like playing their natural game. Sehwag plays aggressive shots, while MMS keeps silent, no matter what the situation is,” the source pointed out.

“And of course, hair loss,” the source drew the parallels.

Due to such striking similarities, experts claim that Prime Minister is worried that his career could take a similar course where he’s dropped from the team while the Captain remains the same.

“Earlier people used to think that MMS was like Duncan Fletcher i.e. someone with no active role and often blamed for failures of the team, but of late he appears more like Sehwag,” an expert claimed.

As a result, Manmohan Singh has decided to join Sehwag International School as Economics teacher, so that he has a source of livelihood if and when he’s asked to resign by the high command.

Meanwhile, experts are trying to find out who is the Virat Kohli of Congress i.e. someone who could become the new Vice Captain. Vice President Rahul Gandhi is ruled out as he’s widely believed to be Sir Jadeja of Congress.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Rahul Gandhi to fake Imran Khan like injury to appear charismatic

New Delhi. Following the injury sustained on the campaign trail by the popular Pakistani celebrity-politician, Imran Khan, an investigation by Faking News can reveal that Congress is considering staging a similar accident in an attempt at making party Vice President Rahul Gandhi appear charismatic.

“A Bollywood stunt man is training him,” Ashok, 47, told Faking News at his tea stall.

Imran Khan is expected to win a few more votes when Pakistan goes to polls tomorrow

However, Mohan, 35, disagrees: “No. They need the best. They’re bringing in Italian footballers to tutor him. They’ll show him how to trip himself up on the podium, scream in agony, it’ll look like he’s broken his leg, but he’ll be perfectly fine five minutes later.”

Both men are close to the Congress VP, having shaken hands with him at a rally in 2006. Ashok swears Rahul remembers him.

Injury may be a shrewd political move, according to Prof. Gagan Sachdeva. But Congress must be careful as Imran Khan has two children whilst Rahul Gandhi still childless.

“I would advise against anything below the waist,” he said, adding, “Congress must also bear in mind that the politician is a delicate creature that can be damaged by something as inconsequential as a single pretzel.”

He also cautioned against “going too far”, despite the dazzling posthumous political success of figures like Kim Il Sung.

A public poll by Faking News found that a “moderate to firm blow to the Rahul Gandhi’s head” would be very popular amongst voters.

Congress officials deny the rumors, but told Faking News they believe Narendra Modi’s toothache is suspicious and that the above poll was hacked by Modi’s supporters.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Another Bansal nephew arrested trying to sell Railway Minister’s post

New Delhi. The CBI today arrested another nephew of Railway Minister Pawn Kumar Bansal after he (the nephew) was caught red-handed accepting bribe for allegedly fixing the Railway Minister’s post.

The bribe was given by an agent of a prominent Congress leader, who is hopeful to become the next Railway Minister if and when Bansal resigns taking moral responsibility for the deeds of his nephews.

“Bansal’s nephew had promised the Congress leader that if given 90 lakhs rupees as ‘token money’, he will convince his maama (uncle) to resign from cabinet, thus vacating the berth for the interested leader,” a CBI source told Faking News.

Pawan Bansal reacts after being informed about his second nephew

“Maamashri is very fond of me. He will definitely quit once I ask him to. He never denies my requests like giving jobs to people I recommend,” Bansal’s nephew is reported to have promised the unnamed Congress leader.

The exact amount on which the deal was fixed is not confirmed, but sources say that the amount runs in 15 digits, though CAG could find a larger number.

The bribe-giving Congress leader, whose name is being kept secret for some reason, is said to be already holding a cabinet berth in the UPA government, but he was lured towards the Railway berth after he heard about the recent scam involving Rs 90 lakhs to fix a top post in the department.

“He must be in an unusually honest department, else who gets excited by 90 lakhs these days?” an expert wondered, “It could be an achievement by the government!”

Government sources too claim that the arrest of another nephew by the CBI is a shot in the arm of the UPA government as it hints at two positive possibilities – there is an honest government department and the CBI is not a caged parrot.

Meanwhile, Bansal distanced himself from his new nephew as well.

“I am a national leader; all Indians are my brothers and sisters, so their children automatically become my nephews. Linking all of them to me is absurd,” the running Railway Minister told Faking News.

“I will prove that I was not involved in this new scam by not resigning at any cost, and hope Shrimati Sonia Gandhi will support me on this issue,” Bansal added and thanked late Rajiv Gandhi for his vision of India.

Karnataka election results prove that I need a bicycle: Chintu

Bangalore. After observing that everyone was interpreting the Karnataka assembly election results to suit their own agenda and beliefs, 5-year-old Chintu has decided to do the same.

“I need a bicycle; stylish and brand new. The election results prove it,” Chintu declared with a confidence matched only by political analysts of television and Twitter.

With an eye on the bicycle, Chintu started following the elections.

When asked to elaborate, Chintu came up with a sentence that had words like “mandate”, “corruption”, “Mummy”, “Yeddy”, and “Modi”.

The sentence apparently meant that he needed a bicycle.

The smart kid also drew a picture of a bicycle on the political map of Karnataka as a further proof of positive correlation between his desire to have a bicycle and the election results.

“Just share it on Facebook or Twitter and see the kind of response it gets! What more proof do you need before accepting that I need a bicycle?” Chintu threw a challenge to this Faking News reporter.

Chintu’s father was not available for comments, though he was found commenting on various news websites on why Karnataka results prove that Deve Gowda would be the Prime Minister of India again.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Chinese soldiers in Ladakh demand Manmohan Singh’s resignation

Ladakh. Tired of getting ignored by the UPA government, Chinese soldiers camping in Ladakh have demanded the resignation of Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

The Chinese troops have intruded 19 kilometers deep inside the Indian Territory in Ladakh, at Rakki Nullah in Daulat Beg Oldi sector over couple of weeks back. They have put up tents at the site and even deployed dogs, but the Indian government is not impressed.

Prime Minister’s reaction to the whole development

Speaking to Faking News, one of the soldiers Lin Wang said, “What is going on? We have been here for nearly 3 weeks now and are still being consistently ignored. Is this how you treat people who have come to your country? We demand immediate resignation of the man running this government.”

Another soldier, Xie Li said, “We tolerated Paneer Manchurian, we tolerated Gobi Manchurian but we won’t tolerate being compared to an Acne. We are no Phoonsi-Phoda man. We don’t need any ointment, we just need some attention.”

When asked whether they were considering an attack on Delhi, Lin Wang said, “Oh no, not at all! We have heard that India is the Muhammad Ali of countries. We are really scared since then of getting beaten up. Therefore, we are going to try non-violent measures to make our voices heard.”

Sources have informed us that Chinese soldiers have constructed a cheaper replica of Jantar-Mantar in Daulat Beg sector where these soldiers plan to stage a protest against PM Manmohan Singh. They might even go on a hunger strike, though they were seen preparing Hakka Noodles by this correspondent.

Expectedly, UPA has dismissed the demands of the Chinese soldiers. Speaking to media persons, External Affairs Minister, Mr. Salman Khurshid said, “These Chinese soldiers know that we have bought a truckload of Acne-removal cream. They are just getting agitated seeing their end. The country’s future is secure under the leadership of Sonia Gandhi.”

Meanwhile, strategic expert R. Baman has said that this was just a ploy by the Chinese soldiers to mix with the locals. Mr. Baman said, “Chinese soldiers have observed that demanding Manmohan Singh’s resignation is a very Indian thing to do, and every Indian does it. So they have also started making this demand to mix with the local population.”