Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Friday, April 12, 2013

Facebook to impact 16 million class 10th and 12th results

New Delhi. After a research claimed that Social Media could impact as many as 160 Lok Sabha seats in the next general elections, another research has claimed that websites like Facebook and Twitter could impact results of at least 16 million students in India who took their class 10^th and 12^th exams earlier this year.

A representative picture of a student busy with social media while sitting on a backlog of unfinished syllabus

“Many who spent all their time on Facebook and Twitter are going to get anda (egg) – the default display picture of Twitter – as marks,” a researcher predicted students getting zero and thus F grade when results are announced in a few weeks.

According to the study, millions of students, especially boys, were busy checking out display pictures of girls, making fake profiles, and copy-pasting jokes on such websites, and consequently were ill prepared for the exams.

“Girls too wasted time uploading pictures and comparing vital stats like Facebook likes and Twitter retweets,” the researcher clarified why social media was set to impact the academic performance of test takers irrespective of gender.

“Girls have been traditionally performing better at these board exams when compared to boys, but if there is a reversal of trend this year, don’t blame the girl or the textbook, blame Facebook,” the researcher added.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Italy panics as Marines shown Himmatwala

Rome, Italy. A pale of gloom descended over Italy as unconfirmed rumors that the arrested Marines may have been taken for a special screening of Himmatwala spread like a wildfire.

This restaurant could be converted into a temporary home for the Marines when they return

Apparently the marines partly inflicted it on themselves when they expressed their desire to watch a Bollywood movie, and the government of India was quick to oblige lest another diplomatic standoff was created. But it remains a mystery on who chose Himmatwala.

A Very concerned Italian Prime Minister called up Dr. Manmohan Singh and expressed his concern. Apparently he wanted to add Bollywood movies in the list of exemptions Italy seeks along with death penalty.

“It’s a rarest of the rare case,” asserted Dr. Singh about the movie, “We don’t make such movies very often and in spite of the seriousness of the crime the marines are charged with, we have deep sympathies for the them if they indeed were shown that movie.”

However, the External Affairs minister Salman Kurshid told a TV channel that no special assurances would be given to Italy: “We have already promised that we won’t torture the prisoners and that should cover this. We don’t need to give any special assurance.”

Meanwhile the public opinion in Italy seems to be swelling in favor of bringing back the Marines before their sanity is seriously impacted by the effects of the movie.

“They need a lot of comfort,” Marcello Burgio of Sicily told Faking news. “I have seen the trailer on YouTube and it can be really damaging if shown the full movie.”

Katju demands Kasab be brought back to life

New Delhi. Responding to what Justice Katju himself perceived as a groundswell of goodwill from the people of India, the PCI chairman today demanded that the Indian government does whatever possible to bring Kasab back to life.

Justice makes a passionate appeal

Addressing a group of pressmen, Mr Katju said, “Kasab was otherwise an affable young man and has already paid for his error of judgment with his life and it’s time that he is now given a second chance.”

When probed further on how this can be feasible, he refused to dwell into details, but said, “This is a country where Narakasura and Mahishasura have been brought back to life and given a chance to live again. So we have the precedence. It’s for the government to sort out how the modalities be handled.”

As of this report being published, sources confirmed that the request has been received by the President of India and he is in consultation with scientists and religious gurus.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Television sets get permanent image of Narendra Modi

New Delhi. The national consumer forum of India today directed all the TV manufacturers to replace TV sets that have been displaying a permanent image of Narendra Modi even after they are switched off.

A defective TV set

Sources confirm that consumer forums across the country have received thousands of complaints over the past few weeks in this regard.

“It’s called LCD burning in technical terms,” said an official from a television company, “It happens very rarely only when excessive projection of the same image is displayed for an unduly prolonged duration. We have made very vast technology improvements over the past decade and thought we solved this problem once for all till this issue surfaced.”

“It’s unfair to blame the manufacturers for this problem,” said another manufacturer, “The units are not tested for extreme conditions such as what’s happening now and the broadcast companies should be made accountable!”

Meanwhile all consumers have been advised to switch on and off between Discovery channel and news channels to make sure that such damage is averted.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Three people found dancing on “Jumping Jepang Jampak Jampak”, without being paid for it

Mumbai. Finally, after endless and ~~tiresome~~ tireless efforts by Farah Khan and the BCCI, three people have been found dancing to the “Dil Jumping Jepang Jumpak Jumpak” tune, without being asked or paid to do so.

Ravi, Sunil, and Sanjay (names changed so that they are not insulted in future) are three friends who have been spotted dancing on the IPL-6 theme song, whenever possible. The three friends don’t miss an opportunity on dancing, and even danced on the ubiquitous song when Rahul Gandhi delivered a speech at the CII event last week.

The three friends call her Mother IPL

Faking News got the opportunity to interview these 3 ~~idiots~~ friends who were asked to stop dancing for some time, till they finish the interview.

FN Reporter : Hello guys! The IPL fever has set in, and it seems you guys have been the first in India to have caught the fever?

Ravi: Yes my friend! IPL flashes and flashes hard!

FN Reporter : So tell us, what made you’ll think of dancing on this song, when most of the people have hated the song and the steps?

Sunil : Well, initially, even we did not like it. But, then, we went to watch Himmatwala last weekend, and here we are. (starts dancing again before the FN reporter requests him to finish the interview)

FN Reporter : Can you please elaborate?

Sanjay: He means, this song cannot get worse than Himmatwala at least. After watching the movie, whenever we saw the promos on TV, we immediately changed the channel, and the only thing we saw on other channels, was Farah Khan yelling at people to dance on her tunes! Our condition worsened after that.

FN Reporter : Oh! So that is how you’ll got into the groove?

Ravi : Yes my friend! We tried to run away from Sajid, but only found Farah every where! As if that’s what the doctor ordered for us.

FN Reporter : Do you guys know, that you are the first Indians, who are dancing on this song, without being paid for it?

At this question, all 3 of them had tears in their eyes, and as Chris Gayle hit a six, they all started dancing on the song again. We could not ask any more questions to the 3 friends, as the visiting hours at the ‘Maansik Mental Hospital’ was over.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Girl attempts suicide after failing to get into ‘100 profile picture likes’ club

Mumbai. After Facebook divorces, Facebook suicides are becoming the next trend. Sundari Cuttei, an 18 years old girl attempted suicide after failing to get at least 100 likes on at least one of her profile pictures – a feat that would have given her an entry into the ‘100 likes’ club.

She tried to kill herself by deactivating her Facebook account, which almost made her breathless. Her friends could find it in time and took her to a doctor where she’s being treated for depression. She’s currently out of danger but distraught.

Speaking exclusively to Faking News, she said, “My friends always get over 100 likes on their profile pictures. And I… (bursts into tears pointing at her latest profile picture) I had tagged over 100 people but still got only 74 likes. Some have even blocked me for tagging incessantly.”

Many make photos of celebrities as their profile pictures to attract more likes

“I had even spent Rs. 2,000 for trimming the hair by a few millimeters to get that look, but of no use,” she added as she started sobbing again.

“She was very desperate to join the 100 likes club, which is far more popular than Facebook confessions,” Laali Lal, a friend of Sundari revealed.

Sundari’s friend claim that she had tried all kinds of make-up and poses, and released dozens of profile pictures, but none of them could help her join the 100 likes club.

“She once posed with a pout thinking she’d look like Angelina Jolie or at least Nargis Fakhri, but my comment on the picture got more likes than the picture. I had commented – quack quack. She has not been talking with me since then,” another friend Vikram Sutta recalled.

Faking News did some research to find about the new ‘100 likes’ club. Leading psychiatrist Chakaram Gol says, “This is mostly a female dominated industry, but males are catching up fast with photos posted from gym and trendy gadgets. Getting into this club has become a status symbol like the ‘100 crore’ club of Bollywood.”

Meanwhile Sajid Khan has declared that his movie ‘Himmatwala’ was a hit as one of its posters uploaded on Facebook received over 100 likes – a claim not verified by Faking News.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

BCCI hopes to create millions of trained cheerleaders by end of IPL

Mumbai. With the dance steps of the soulful song ‘dil jumping jepang jumpak jumpak’ being well advertised across media platforms, BCCI is hopeful that it will ready an army of cheerleader who would instinctively burst into dancing whenever action happens on cricket field.

“IPL has just started and we have reports that people have actually started dancing as tutored by Farah Khan. By the end of the IPL, we are hopeful of programming our viewers into cricket dancers i.e. cheerleaders,” claimed IPL chairman Rajeev Shukla doing the ‘gilli gilli aaw’ step.

IPL has asked people not to restrict themselves to watching TV, but to start dancing as well.

Sources tell Faking News that Mr. Shukla, who is also a Congress leader and a Union Minister, wanted to term this whole cheerleading training program as Rahul Gandhi Urban Employment Guarantee Yojna, but the idea was dropped at the last moment.

“There is no guarantee that people who learn such dance steps would actually get any job, which would have spread further dissatisfaction among the voters as they would have seen it as another false promise,” the source revealed.

When asked that what exactly does BCCI and IPL want to achieve by creating this army of cheerleaders when it might not help in any employment generation, Mr. Shukla said, “It is not only about jobs, it will help in capacity building of the masses and they can take part in reality shows like Nach Baliye or Dance India Dance.”

Meanwhile some puritans have started a petition demanding a ban on ‘jumpak thumpak’ dance claiming that it was killing ~~test cricket~~ Bharatnatyam.