Faking News - leading news satire website of India

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Man dying of hunger and under attack from criminals declared “brave”

Maregaon, Maharashtra. A 37-year-old poor farmer, who couldn’t get his loan waived and has been under attack from local lenders, has been declared Vidarbh Veer (also to be known as “Mumbai Braveheart” for the urban masses) by the government.

Beaten black and blue by one of his lenders, the farmer is expected to feel like a hero now.

“We want to honor the infallible spirit shown by the farmer who has not yet committed suicide,” said a state minister, who was earlier in favor of giving this owner only after the farmer commits suicide.

The farmer, whose name has not been disclosed lest other money lenders start troubling him, will receive this award in a function to be organized next week at Mumbai.

However, he’s being called “Nirbhik Amonkar” by some media houses.

“We will hand out a recommendation letter and a trophy to Nirbhik, but no cash award as he is not yet dead,” a government sourced told Faking News.

When asked what will such award or recognition achieve, the government source claimed that the step was aimed at encouraging the citizens to feel good despite being denied their basic rights and even dignity.

“He should have got his loan waived and the state should have protected him from criminals, but we failed to do so and he’s not complaining. He’s brave,” the source claimed with a straight face.

When Faking News tried to contact “Nirbhik” for his comments, his family members said that he was busy getting an Aadhar Card for himself as the government wouldn’t give him even the award without the UID number.

New fairness cream promises excellent marks in Board Exams

New Delhi. Millions of kids currently feeling the pressure of board examinations in India may have found an unlikely ally in their battle against the pressure – a fairness cream. No Dark, a leading fairness cream brand has claimed that regular use of their cream helps kids perform better during the board examinations.

Speaking to Faking News, Mr. Das, Vice-President (Marketing) of No Dark said, “The use of our cream helps students reach their full potential during an exam. So many students fail to do so during the exam due to the stress they are under. Our cream helps to get rid of pressure as we all know fair people don’t feel any pressure. They are always cool and calm. This cream brings out the real diamond in them.”

The company claims that just 3 minutes of use could increase marks by 33%

“Add to that the fact that teachers turn a blind eye to a fair student using unfair means in an exam and concentrate on the dark-skinned children instead. So, our cream is also effective for people who rely on chits and the students sitting ahead of them to get through the exams,” he went on to add.

When asked whether he had any data to back up his claim that fair students do better in an exam, Mr. Das snapped at us and said, “If fairness cream can help you do well in your career, or if a fairness cream can help you get lucky with the opposite sex then why can’t a fairness cream help students do well in the exams?”

Mr. Das also said, “We are not the first ones to promote fairness among kids, United Nations has been trying to spread fairness in kids throughout the world for several decades through their organization for kids, UNICEF, United Nations International Council for Expanding Fairness.”

We didn’t bother to correct him on UNICEF lest he snaps at us again.

While we remained skeptical, students seemed to be very open to trying this cream. Sushma, a class X student said, “These days the competition is so intense, Thousands of students overtake you if you lose even a single mark. If this cream can help me get even 1 mark, I will consider it money well spent. After all, I don’t want to disappoint my parents like my sister who only got 93 % in her 10th exams. ”

While a class XII student, Rajbir said, “It is good. Only thing is that they should have priced it a little higher. The way we take money from our parents for tuitions and spend it on beer and pool, we could have done the same for this cream. Now, thanks to the lousy budget thing, I can’t even buy a cigarette pack in the cost of this cream.”

When we informed HRD Minister of State Shashi Tharoor of this whole pseudo-science, he promised to take action, but later was found re-tweeting a tweet from Naveen Jindal that claimed that students could get better marks in exams if they wore tri-vortex ‘tiranga’ bangles.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Harbhajan Singh announces retirement from Day 1 of Test Cricket

Mohali. Veteran off-spinner Harbhajan Singh has announced his retirement from Day 1 of Test Cricket. The decision was taken after he had an abysmal performance on the first day of the Chennai test against Australia, and not so great first day either at Hyderabad test.

“The only time he turns is when he drives his Hummer,” said Rajesh Choudhary, a frustrated fan who also witnessed dropped catches by Sehwag on the first day of Chennai test.

Talking about the new rules of retirement, a senior BCCI official said that it was aimed to provide flexibility to the players. He was confident that ICC will agree to the new rules as IPL was just a few weeks away.

Harbhajan Singh on the first day of Chennai test

“This is a wonderful concept. We wish we had framed such rules earlier. Ganguly could have happily retired from the period fast bowlers were operating and could have continued playing for us,” he wondered.

For a moment as emotional as this, Harbhajan Singh stayed composed throughout the press conference. Addressing the media, Harbhajan Singh, commonly known as Bhajji, said, “I have informed the Selection Committee and the Board. Ideally, I would have liked to bowl only on Day 5 but that would mean putting too much pressure on youngsters to handle.”

He praised the young talent pool of spinners that India was bestowed with, then deliberately mentioned Ravindra Jadeja and chuckled. Asked to name one promising pacer, he struggled before he finally gave up and answered, “Milkha Singh?”

As he hails from Punjab, he also expressed his desire to appear in the next season of IPL as a foreign player from Canada, but it’s not clear if BCCI will change IPL rules for him.

Indian cricket team captain MS Dhoni was also present during the conference. Dhoni said that Bhajji was going through a recovery phase after lifting Nita Ambani repeatedly during IPL. Dhoni, however, acknowledged that the retirement decision was a great loss to the nation and Nach Baliye.

“For a spinner, the ability to not turn the ball on Indian pitches is a skill in itself and Bhajji has done it consistently over the years,” he further added.

Later on the same day, Dhoni was accused of calling Bhajji a spinner by the same frustrated fan. “Even Mamata Banerjee and Mulayam Singh Yadav turn better,” Rajesh yelled.

Speaking to Faking News, Duncan Fletcher, the alleged Indian coach refused to comment on his role behind Bhajji’s retirement.

“I have done nothing!” were the exact words he said without even the slightest change of expression.

While batsmen all over the world have expressed shock over Harbhajan’s decision, Harbhajan said that next he would retire from bowling in Test matches and continue playing as a spinner. As our reporter noticed, Duncan Fletcher’s expression still remained unchanged.

As we write, Munaf Patel has retired from bowling in death overs and Sehwag had announced retirement from opening the innings.

Engineering student found downloading Balika Vadhu torrents

Gandhinagar. In a major blow to ~~Modi~~ masculinity, a third year male student of electrical engineering at IIT here was found to have downloaded all the episodes (a work in progress) of TV serial Balika Vadhu on his personal computer.

This gross misuse of resources and technology has left the whole campus shell shocked, with many demanding immediate expulsion of the student lest such behavior is picked by others.

Three dozen pictures of this girl was also found on the hard disk of the suspect

“Now I know why there was problem in live streaming of the Hyderabad test match. This sucker used all bandwidth to download saas-bahu serials!” complained Raj Prakash, who watches cricket matches online even though there is a TV in the hostel.

The culprit, whose name has been kept secret to protect identity and dignity, has been suspended from taking part in upcoming sports festival, and has additionally been served a show-cause notice by the students’ body.

“We have also ordered an inquiry and the initial findings are shocking to say the least,” a student’s body representative told Faking News, “He was found discussing if new Anandi is better than the old Anandi on orkut forums and had liked ‘Jagya’ on Facebook.”

Downloading TV shows or movies is a common practice among all engineering colleges, but sources say that there are some unwritten rules, which the accused had broken.

“This is like taking part in daaru-party and consuming only potato chips and cold drinks – totally unacceptable!” a student explained.

While engineering students are hopeful that the accused will “reform” himself soon, some human rights activists from outside the campus have spoken up in support of the “victim”.

“This act by the engineering students is against individual freedom and liberty, and smacks of fascism,” a rights activist camping outside the IIT campus declared.

“Balika Vadhu might be a regressive serial, but this student was progressive,” the activists claimed, refusing to explain the meaning.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

BCCI to start marriage bureau, to fix matches for cricketers

Hyderabad. After Cheteshwar Pujara scored a double century after marriage and admitted that the pressure of marriage helped him perform, BCCI has decided to help cricketers with marriage and performance.

The board would be starting a marriage bureau, which will help cricketers find their better halves and hopefully a better career.

“We have stats to prove that marriage has improved many cricketers’ performances – be it Sachin, Dhoni, Ashwin, or recently Pujara. So we thought to make the process official,” BCCI spokesman and IPL chief Rajeev Shukla told Faking News.

BCCI officials often calculated the notional loss due to absence of any company or brand’s logo in the background of such wedding pictures of cricketers

“We will be fixing matches for them,” Shukla came up with in a double-meaning sentence, similar to the one issued by Pujara earlier.

Sources say that like its other initiatives, BCCI will aim to maximize revenues while providing the services.

“They will start with a bidding process and girls could bid to win date with young cricketers. They are already hopeful of earning millions by auctioning off Virat Kohli,” a source disclosed.

“All unmarried cricketers will be available for auction. Foreigners too will be allowed to bid. This will also make sure that cricketers don’t flirt with cheerleaders during the next IPL,” the source claimed.

Apart from making money through the dating process, the BCCI hopes to make a killing when a cricketer finally gets married.

“They will organize a grand wedding party. Shah Rukh Khan, the owner of IPL has been roped in to perform at the parties. Sponsorship of various rituals, Tickets, and TV broadcast rights of such weddings will be sold off at a premium rate,” the source further disclosed.

While the whole process appears like glamorization and commercialization of cricket, BCCI insists that the whole step is aimed at improving a player’s on-field performance.

“We have been thinking of this plan even since former coach Gary Kirsten supported pre-match sex more than three years ago,” Shukla claimed.

When asked if the plan also extends to women’s team, Shukla refused to comment, though he smiled.

(read this report on FN 2.0 for more evidences showing a relationship between a cricketer’s marriage and performance)

Monday, March 4, 2013

Narendra Modi cancels dinner with himself to improve his image

New Delhi. Narendra Modi was to have a quiet dinner all by himself tonight, however latest reports confirm that Modi has cancelled the dinner with himself under pressure from multiple stakeholders.

“The Chief Minister of Gujarat didn’t want to be seen with Narendra Modi,” a close aide of the BJP’s most advertised Prime Ministerial candidate told Faking News, “He hopes that this step will help him gain some goodwill among those who oppose everything related to Narendra Modi.”

Modi calling Modi?

Sources say that some stakeholders in Modi’s Prime Ministerial prospects advised him to cancel his dinner with Modi, arguably the most polarizing and controversial leader of India.

They claimed that it will help improve Narendra Modi’s image and public perception, even though Narendra Modi has historically been Narendra Modi in reality.

“Reality or history doesn’t matter,” a stakeholder explained, “The same people, who accuse USA of killing millions of Muslims in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Palestine, etc., celebrate USA’s prudence and integrity when it refuses a visa to Narendra Modi.”

“Unlike USA, Narendra Modi is accused of killing thousands, not millions of Muslims, so it should be easier for Modi to improve his image,” the stakeholder claimed.

“In fact, we have reports that some University in Tel Aviv is planning to invite Narendra Modi and subsequently cancelling their invite to improve Israel’s public perception,” the stakeholder further claimed, but independent sources couldn’t verify the claim.

Sources say that BJP could advertise Narendra Modi as the only person who refused and cancelled a private dinner with Narendra Modi, thus a secular person capable of taking on Narendra Modi.

“What’s so strange in that? Doesn’t Congress oppose years of mis-governance by itself that causes just 15 paisa (out of a rupee) to reach the aam aadmi?” a BJP leader justified this approach because Congress does the same.

It’s not yet clear who has replaced Narendra Modi to have dinner with Narendra Modi. When Faking News contacted Narendra Modi to comment on Narendra Modi, he said, “All I will say is that the paneer used in dinner has been made from milk of Gujarat.”

Friday, March 1, 2013

Boy named Sushil Shinde copies in exam, fails, blames faulty chits

Solapur. Sushil Kumar Shinde, a student of 8^th standard at Upahaar Vidyalaya today blamed incorrect and incomplete chits that he had used for copying in his exams after he was declared failed in the final examination.

Shinde, discharging his duties.

“This is not my fault, but my elder brother should be held responsible,” Shinde claimed, “I just wrote down blindly whatever was written in the chits while cheating during the Civics paper. I didn’t know that wrong answers were written in the chits!”

Shinde further claimed that his responsibility was limited to cheating in the exams – a task at which he didn’t fail.

“I was not caught by the instructor and I copied everything from the chits, so I can’t be blamed!” he insisted and refused to apologize.

He even demanded a probe into how the chits were found to be carrying wrong answers.

“At best, I regret that I didn’t double check the chits,” Shinde later toned down his statement while taking to Faking News.

While many have expressed shock over Shinde’s statements, Shinde is hopeful of getting a clean chit in the cheating case.

“I can do anything for Principal Madam. If Madam asks me to shoot, I will, and I will shoot to kill,” he explained why he was hopeful that Sonia Sharma, Principal of the school, will promote him to 9^th standard despite his poor performance.