Faking News - leading news satire website of India: November 2015

Monday, November 30, 2015

Rising intolerance in India causes huge drop in inflow of illegal Bangladeshi immigrants

Kolkata: Rising intolerance has claimed its first victim. It’s not FDI or ‘Make in India’ (not yet). According to the report published in a Bangladeshi daily, number of Bangladeshi immigrants crossing the border illegally, has slowed down for the first time in last 10 years.

No use putting a fence. They are not coming anyway.

Experts tell that rapid rise in religious intolerance in India is the main reason why the immigrants have dropped their plans to enter India.

While opposition parties and media are not sure how to use this news to their advantage, BJP has decided to showcase this as one of the achievements of 18 months of Modi government along with increase in FDI and decrease in inflation and scams.

The issue came to light when West Bengal authorities noticed a drop of almost 10K in the number of Aadhar card enrollments during last quarter.

Indian intelligence agency RAW immediately alerted Bangladesh home minister suspecting that these missing youth might have joined ISIS. But Bangladesh home minister assured RAW that it was not possible, since even ISIS considers Bangladeshis good for nothing.

Aakar Patel, in a column written for TOI slammed the Modi government for being unable to protect the rights of illegal immigrants which are mostly from minority community.

He said, “The Bangladeshi migrants running away from poverty and oppression in their country are feeling insecure about living in India. Hindutva hotheads regularly issuing statements about ‘Beef’ are forcing poor Bangladeshis to reconsider their decision. What other evidence you need to prove that the intolerance is growing in this country?”

Shakib, a Bangladeshi youth who recently cancelled his plan to cross the border informed Shaitaan Khopdi™ why he made the decision.

“My wife got scared after reading the Indian newspapers. She didn’t want our kid to grow up in an intolerant country. Every day there are at least 4-5 Op-Eds and columns about rising intolerance and diminishing FoE. Yesterday we heard that people were down voting Snapdeal App to protest against Aamir Khan. See how brutally people are targeted for voicing their opinion in your country,” he said.

Shaitaan Khopdi™ reminded Shakib about Bangladeshi people down voting Bollywood movie ‘Gunday’ to make it a worst rated Bollywood movie on IMDB.

Shakib justified the act by saying, “That cannot be termed as intolerance. The movie humiliated my countrymen, and no self-respecting person can digest such insult.”

Man stands for national anthem while watching theatrical print of pirated movie on laptop, gets appreciated for being patriotic

Gurgaon: Ankit Jain, a 25 year old IT professional from Gurgaon was trending on twitter after news of his patriotism went viral on social media, at a time when not standing to national anthem is being supported by so called intellectuals.

Ankit stood up as the national anthem started playing on his laptop

Speaking to Faking News Ankit’s friend who was witness to this unusual display of patriotism said, “We were watching a camrip of the latest bollywood movie, like we always do on weekends and just like it happens in the theatre, the national anthem started playing. While the rest of us we sitting, Ankit immediately stood up. I couldn’t help but take a pic and post it on social media, which immediately went viral.”

Ankit himself was surprised with the attention he got. “I had just a few 100 followers on twitter till yesterday, now I have 20k followers. Even those pretty looking girls who never replied to my tweets are now sending me DM’s with smileys,” he said, visibly pleased with the attention he was getting.

OB vans were seen outside his rented apartment trying their best to get a few words from him even as ‘Ankit aapko kaisa lag raha hai’ echoed in the passage outside his apartment.

A few enthusiastic reporters were also seen speaking to Ankit’s neighbor, the doodhwala, dominos delivery boy, security guard and maid servant in a bid to figure out more about the man who could be voted as the Most Patriotic Indian of 2015.

Ankits act also managed to get a mention in the winter session of the parliament with Home Minister Rajnath Singh saying that he became emotional after hearing this news more than he has ever been in his life before.

“Such patriotism is unheard of in today’s times. Such acts must be appreciated,” he said as he got a Watsapp msg from an opposition leader to rake some controversial issue and get Parliament adjourned.

BCCI is confident with Ravi as ‘director’ three days are enough; announce Kotla is available for wedding reception on 4th and 5th day of the match

New Delhi: After Ravi Shastri said “to hell with five days”, BCCI is more than confident Delhi test will not last more than three days. As this is a busy marriage season, BCCI top brass have directed DDCA counterparts to open a tender so that whoever is interested can book Feroz Shah Kotla on Dec 6^th and 7^th i.e. 4^th & 5^th day of the test match for wedding reception.

Ravi Shastri all set for the wedding reception

We spoke to BCCI heavyweight Rajiv Shukla. He said, “From the time Ravi was appointed team director everyone in the media kept on asking me what is his role. Now all of them see what a ‘director’ means to the team. He is supposed to direct the groundsman to prepare pitch in such a way that puff of dust should come out in first over. According to me Ravi has done stupendous job.”

Mr. Shukla added, “Look at the result. We are winning in three days. In fact Ravi has recommended Nagpur and Mohali groundsmen should get two hundred percent bonus for their special service to Indian cricket.”

“I just read his interview he has given to EspnCricinfo, where he has sounded confident that Delhi test will not last more than three days. We are in middle of a busy marriage season, I only suggested why to keep the ground idle, let people book in advance and use it. The money we get can be given as a bonus to our hardworking groundsmen. This is the motto with which BCCI operates i.e. betterment of Indian cricket & people associated with it,” said Mr. Shukla.

When we asked is there a chance groundsmen will try to compete with each other & have pitches that will help test matches to be over in two days. Mr. Shukla said, “It is possible. I do not see any problem with that. We are not like IT Company where we follow per hour billing cost, we give everybody full payment. Bowlers are happy, umpires are happy, crowd is happy. Batsmen will be unhappy, but we will take care of them with proper pitches whenever we need. At this hour, Indian team should win at any cost.”

We wanted to speak to Ravi Shastri to know about the match preparation the team is undergoing, oops sorry the pitch preparation he is supervising. Ravi declined saying he is too busy.

According to our sources, he is super busy in pitch preparation. He has ordered same heaters to be used to dry the pitches which were used in Mohali and Nagpur.

Ravi personally supervises everything as he does not want to take any chance after the experience he had at Mumbai where his own people ditched him and did not prepare the pitch as per his direction.

According to our sources, he is carrying the heaters with him when flying from one location to another location, so that pitches across India are uniformly dried.

One of the groundsmen told us what Ravi was saying to him, “Prepare the pitch in such a way that our bowlers do not have to do lot of work.”

Doctors advise obese men to go to engineering college mess to lose weight

New Delhi: Ramavtar Bhardwaj who is resident of West Delhi very recently started consuming all 3 meals at mess of Kanchenjunga Hostel at IIT Delhi and claims to have lost 17 Kgs in a span of 2 weeks.

Nothing better than mess food to lose weight

According to sources the mess food has been so difficult to consume for Bhardwaj that he is barely able to eat anything and hence losing several kilos and inches on daily basis.

Bhardwaj who was also called “Bhaari” by his friends, owing to his bulky build, is now a content man. He addressed reporters outside IIT main gate and said, “Main kaafi mota ho gaya tha, aur pareshaan rehta tha. Mere baal bhi girne lage the. At 157 Kgs of weight I was totally lost with life. My wife who is a fashion model and is size zero was also very frustrated with my growing tummy and thighs.”

He then showed some black and white photos of him sulking, getting frustrated and breaking stuff in anger.

He continued, “And then I was introduced to hostel mess food (HMF) at IIT Delhi. To be honest this HMF diet has been a boon in disguise for me. The liquidy salted soup which they call daal, and large white chewing-gum which they call naan have just blown the daylights out of me. Only on Monday they made shahi paneer which was tastier than usual stuff, but the paneer part got over in just 12 minutes after start of lunch, post which everyone else got just gravy. Having this kind of food day in and out 3 times a day has actually killed my desire to have any food at all. I literally drag myself to the mess and sometimes I just come back after drinking 3 glasses of water.”

Bhardwaj’s wife Komal Kohli Bhardwaj who is a fashion model was all praises for HMF diet.

She said, “We tried, DLCC, ABCD, what not. Gym, yoga, acupuncture nothing f**king worked. Bhaari didn’t even lose 100 grams despite going through all these methods, but because of this HMF diet he has lost whopping 17 Kgs. Yesterday I went and met the butlers and cooks who prepare and serve the HMF diet in the hostel and thanked them. I even presented a bouquet to the head-cook. Can’t thank them enough. If Bhaari continues for a couple of weeks more he would no longer be a “Bhaari” and I would finally be able to take him to fashion week after parties.”

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Politician fulfills a poll promise which would actually benefit the people, forced to resign

New Delhi: In shocking news a newly elected politician fulfilled a poll promise he had made which would certainly result in making people’s lives better.

What kind of politician sticks to his poll promises

The move which is supposed to be accidental has ruffled the feathers of many seasoned politicians who see it as a disgrace to their profession and have since forced the politician in question to resign, citing lack of knowledge of how to do the job.

The move would have helped the government revenue and at the same time increased the HDI of the state. This comes in the light of Nitish Kumar fulfilling his poll promise of making Bihar a dry state.

One seasoned politician spoke to us, “Look how ideal Nitish’s move was, which benefits all the bootleggers, 2 bit thugs and goons of the state. They should be the target audience of our schemes not the general public. What the politician has done is not only unnecessary but downright criminal. Now imagine people would even start expecting the same from us.”

The politician’s successor has rapidly announced a populist welfare scheme of providing one goat for ever kid born to neutralize any ill effect of the previous scheme.

The politician in question has stated that this move was totally accidental and he had no such intention of doing so.

He is quoted as, “Yaar I was just trying to find ways whereby me and my family can increase our commissions, that was when an honest bureaucrat came and asked for my signatures on some papers one of which contained that scheme. And as I cannot read or write too well I gullibly signed the papers. Little did I know that it would result in me signing my own resignation.”

In unrelated news the bureaucrat has been transferred for the 15th time in 15 months to an unknown location.

Gifting girls with cute teddies can push a guy deeper into friendzone, warns seasoned Love Guru

Mumbai: Seasoned Love guru Shawn Ramneekdas, also known as enchanterer, who is loved by millions of ladies throughout South Asia has given out an important piece of advice for guys who are trying to woo girls who are either their BFFs, their friends or their muh-boli sisters.

Friendzone Alert !

Shawn wrote on his blog “Her Flower Your Petal” and said, “Teddies, chocolates and flowers are dangerous things to gift to the girl you are trying to woo, especially if you are already inside the friend-zone. Don’t simply go with what Romantic fiction novels and SRK movies have to say. Girls do like these things, but after gifting them with these they may even start to view you more as a friend and less as a potential lover.”

“Consequently you go deeper and deeper into friendzone. After few such gifts, you pass the point of no-return, which we shall call PONR. One you pass PONR then you will be a friend forever, and your chances of ever being a lover to her are negligible, so watch your step brothers,” he added.

Shawn also provided some tips about what kind of gifts should be gifted when, “If you give a gift to a girl and she says Aww, immediately count the number of “W”s in the aww, she said. If this number is high then you are already into Deep Friendzone space which we shall call DeepFries. Longer the aww, tougher the situation for you my brother.”

Shawn the provided more guidance on how to quickly come out of DeepFries and how to prevent oneself from crossing the PONR.

He however ended on a cautious note for a specific set of lover boys, “Those who are stuck in friendzone cases where girls call you bhaiya, please don’t be disappointed. There are ways out of these tough situations too. Please read my latest book “From Sis to Miss” which is available at leading bookstores at only 1729 rupees per copy.”

Friday, November 27, 2015

After spending 4 hours trying hundreds of expensive dresses at mall, girl finally buys two pink hair clips

Hyderabad: A girl named Sonika Sutneja who is an arts student at a local University blew the daylights out of 7 salesmen at Inorbit mall yesterday when she and her friend Ayesha Khatun tried various expensive dresses for almost 4 hours along with matching bags, earrings and other accessories but ended up buying only 2 small hair clips.

Anybody feels sorry for the salesman?

The salesmen apparently did not take the gigantic waste of their time very well but could utter a single word in spirit of customer experience.

Salesman Animesh (name changed) spoke to us on conditions of anonymity and said, “They wasted 4 hours of our time. The tried tank tops, tube tops, skirts, scarfs, stoles, matching bags, purses, earrings what not? We thought they are some “fat party” and are going to spend thousands with us today. But know what? They finally said “Kuch pasand nahi aya?” and only bought two pink hair clips worth 22 rupees. We were like “what the hell”, but could not say anything.”

Another sales-women Salima also echoed same sentiments, “Hau re, kya hauli pottiyan thi re wo. We could have done lakhs of sales during those peak hours but they just kept 6-7 of us totally engaged. Bring me this bring me that, matching this matching that. Keep this on one side, keep that on one side. We were bearing their “nakhras” for full 4 hours and in return we expected atleast 20 to 30 thousand of shopping. But they just bought 2 hair clips? Main boli in loga ko ye bhi free me de daalo.”

Veteran Psychologist and expert on women psychology Dr. Suresh Streemann provided more insights into this incident. He said, “Trying on various new clothes provides a sense of instant gratification to the primitive animal inside women. As soon as they enter a retail shop the primitive animal inside them awakens and they start collecting various disguises for this animal. When they look at themselves in the mirror, dressed up in various different clothes they are just living different lives in those moments. They imagine themselves in their own mind-palaces, their own hanging-castles. And when their desire of living these multiple lives is satisfied, they finally come out of the trial room with a sense of pseudo-achievement. The primitive animal inside them goes back to sleep and they become normal human beings again.”

Adventure lovers can now have Ladakh like terrain experience on Bangalore roads: Karnataka Tourism

Bangalore: This is the new tagline for Karnataka Tourism who is working hard to make road conditions similar to Ladakh.

Experience Ladakh like terrain on Bangalore roads now

“We observed that the road issues are a regular problem in Bangalore during rains. Even when we fix it, the repaired roads don’t last a week. So this time instaed of repairing the roads, we decided to get revnue out of it,” the Mayor of Bangalore B.N Manjunanth Reddy said.

Every year many people drive to Ladakh, as it is one of the most difficult terrains one can encounter in the country. However, most of them lack proper training.

Also, there are many people in South India , who want the Ladakh experience but do not have the time to drive down to the North.

Another major attraction for these people is the Bellandur lake. The Bellandur lake has been foaming for years, and with the recent rains, it is giving an experience comparable to most snow clad regions.

This gives the people who are going to Ladakh an idea of what to expect and how to drive in the snow. As most of them are not prepared for the smell near the lake, they end up buying gas masks from the nearby medical shop which is doing great business thanks to the lake.

For the adventure lovers, Bangalore has become the top destination. People are driving down from the neighboring states to try out their skills in Bangalore.

Those who do not have their own cars, are going for self drive rentals, as they are not permitted in Ladakh after the recent attacks by locals in Ladakh.

Other than the income generated by the tourism, the government is also making money by stopping the Non Karnataka vehicles and asking them to pay a lifetime tax.

“Instead of spending crores on repairing the pot holes, we have made Bangalore a adventure destination and are making crores from it,” the relations officer from Shantinagar RTO said.

Other than the off-road experience, Bangalore has a very beneficial position. For people who want more experience, can drive down to Chennai, to wade through the water and practice drifting through water.

The entire operation is generating a lot of revenue. The roads which were already congested, are now clogged without movement due to the tourist traffic.

Taking advantage of the bad traffic sitation, there are many new businesses that have started.
Cigeratte and tea seller Rajesh, who used to sell tea and cigerattes says that the rains are god sent for him. Earlier he used to have business only at late night when all the shops were closed.

Now, even in the day time, he is able to sell tea to those who are stuck in the traffic jams. As the traffic does not move at all, he is able to sell tea easily to all the people and even collect money after they finish the tea, all while waiting for the traffic to clear up.

Pakistani players threaten to become commentators like Rameez Raza, if India doesn’t go ahead with cricket series

Karachi: The deadlock between BCCI and PCB over the bilateral cricket series to be played between India and Pakistan is creating a mini-revolt in the Pakistani dressing room.

The question India wants to know is, Can we handle more like him?

If sources are to be believed, players from the Pakistani team have threatened to become commentators like Rameez Raza if the Indo-Pak series is cancelled.

Some Pakistani players were seen carrying wordlists along with their cricket kits. Others were seen listening to Rameez Raza’s commentary on their smartphones in a bid to brush up their English speaking skills.

Veteran players like Shahid Afridi were more vocal and urged PCB to give BCCI a deadline on this issue.

Speaking to Faking News reporter, Shahid Afridi said, “It’s been so long since we played IPL. We are literally jobless most of the year. Players have a shelf life; if not cricket then we may have to turn to commentary. Shoaib ko dekh lo. Usko kaha angrezi aati hai. Uss aadmi ka caliber nahi hai. Aadha time to woh India me rehta hai. Lekin life bhi enjoy kar raha hai aur kama bhi raha hai.”

BCCI is not taking this threat lightly and hectic activity was seen at the BCCI headquarters in wake of the latest ‘threat’ from across the border.

“We could somehow manage Rameez Raza but if more players want to be in the commentary box, we will have to load up on extra cotton for our ears. We are also planning to respond with Siddhu and Kapil Paaji in case Pak players go ahead with their threat,” said a source from BCCI.

Meanwhile, PCB has strongly condemned India’s posture and accused it of not honoring the Memorandum of Understanding (MoU) between the nations by which the two countries are supposed to play bilateral series over the next 8 years.

“India’s stand is reprehensible. The constant flip-flops will hurt the game of cricket. If they cancel the cricketing series, it would amount to violation of MoU,” said PCB chief as he tried hard not to evoke any potential questions on ceasefire violations.

Bihar govt to rename Mujaffarpur as Mujaffarpore to set it on a path of development

Bihar: The Nitish led and Tejaswi backed Bihar government has decided to rename Mujaffarpur as Mujaffarpore in one of its 1st decisions after assuming power.

Nitish Kumar is all eyes to the idea of Mujjafarpore

They hope to attract serious attention and hope for an increase in Mujaffarpur’s brand value. Mujaffarpur which until now is only famous for its Lychees hopes to become much more.

This move comes in the light of PM’s recent visit to Singapore and how it has been classified as near to a perfect world as it gets.

We asked one Bihar minister about this surprise move and how a name even mattered and he replied, “Well you see only name matters, if your name belongs to a minority community or to a lower caste of course you will get more respect and preference from us. Because you matter more to us and our agenda. Now tell me if our Tejaswi Yadav didn’t have the family name or the dyanstic name of a powerful leader would it have been possible for him to become the deputy CM? You see how important a name is, it makes or breaks fortunes! See how Mujaffarpur starts attracting attention after the change.”

Another leader said, “It is a very wise move, had Singapore been named Singapur would it have generated the same amount of goodwill or success? Of course not! Just see how development and FDI will start to roll in and everything will set itself right after people realise how chic modern and hot Mujaffarpore sounds. My Bangalore based kids would love it.”

When reminded by our reporter that Singapore actually became what it is due to hard work, honesty, discipline of its leaders and its citizens the Minister just laughed and exclaimed, “Budbak ho kya! Koi aur kaam dhundo!”

The Bihar government is now thinking of making Arvind Kejriwal the chief guest in the name changing ceremony where Lalu hopes Kejriwal would unknowingly sign an honesty certificate.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

ED issues notice to Aamir Khan for disproportionate shedding of tears over the last few months

New Delhi: The Enforcement Directorate (ED) has issued a notice to the Bollywood perfectionist Aamir Khan citing disproportionate shedding of tears over incidents in last few months. The situations in which Aamir had cried over incidents in the last 6-8 months were found to be emotionally dry from psychological perspective.

Glycerin working as expected

Aamir critics have alleged that he has been using Glycerin for producing artificial tears during various situations to turn it to his advantage and prove how emotionally high he is.

However, fans have attributed Aamir’s crying to his sensitive, soft nature and that the situations have driven him to reveal his true self to the world.

“Whenever Aamir sees someone break traffic signal, tears roll down his eyes. When he gets calls from wrong numbers, he just cannot control his emotions. In addition, he’s been crying after premiere show of every movie we’re being invited for,” said wife Keran as she continued to reveal further facts.

“He is surely reaching ‘emotional perfection’, a state of mind he decided to live up to, after earning the perfectionist tag from his fans. However, there are multiple situations where he refuses to cry though me and children end up sobbing in some situations,” she added.

One of our reporters asked her about today’s intolerance and she replied, “It is a very well known fact that intolerance could be selective. Nothing wrong with it. For example, I tolerate a cute puppy and play with it for hours but when I see a cockroach I jump up and down due to my intolerance in spite of the fact that both are tolerant living things.”

Keran requested us to keep it short as she seemed to be in hurry booking international flight tickets to escape intolerance.

Sources say that the whole idea of leaving India is to use the proven “intolerance” tool, go on a holiday and earn the required publicity before the upcoming ventures.

Meanwhile, Congress party has criticized the Govt. and said the ED notice to the bollywood star itself shows the growing levels of intolerance within the country.

Now Salman says he wants to leave India

Mumbai: With Shah Rukh Khan and Aamir Khan having courted controversy by entering the intolerance debate, Salman Khan has found his own way to raise the hackles of politicians, the media and members of his own film fraternity.

Salman contemplating moving out of the country for good

On Wednesday morning, after shooting a scene for Sultan in Karjat, Salman was caught on camera expressing his desire to leave the country. The reason: Neither intolerance, nor the beef ban, but because of the heat.

“It’s too hot these days,” he said mopping the sweat off his brow en route his trailer and added, “I’ve been talking it over with my brothers, and I might have to go to some other country.” The remark that soon found its way to TV screens across the country has swiftly knocked all the talk of intolerance off primetime news.

BJP spokesperson Nalin Kohli was the first off the mark. “Moving out of the country is a personal choice. But to tie that with the heat in India is not right. In fact, Mr Khan could have moved out in 2002 when India suffered a major nationwide drought.” When reminded that the 2002 drought occurred during NDA rule, Kohli quickly dismissed it and asked, “Well, what about the Emergency?”

Sakshi Maharaj went a step further saying, “This is the country that has given him weather warm enough to roam around shirtless and become famous for being shirtless, and now he calls it heat? The Sun is sacred to Indians and if he doesn’t like it, he can go to Siberia.”

A ‘foreign agent’ was how Shiv Sena’s Sanjay Raut described Salman, writing in a Saamana editorial that “Green energy is the need for India and solar is a big part of that. By insulting the heat, Khan has insulted the Sun, because he is trying to derail our solar power mission.” Meanwhile, an opinion piece on Firstpost asked Salman to ask himself exactly where in the world global warming wasn’t on the rise.

And could Bollywood be far behind? A few poorly-framed tweets from Kamaal R Khan later, Anupam Kher weighed in calling Salman’s remarks ‘an insult to the nation’. The veteran actor announced a protest march, scheduled for 31 May, 2016 in New Delhi, where protestors “will demonstrate how it’s not at all hot and that Salman’s claims are baseless”.

“Where is the evidence? Where is the evidence of this ‘global warming’?” raged an eminent TV news anchor, while the hashtag #SweatySalman trended across Twitter.

But support for Salman wasn’t far behind either, with Congress vice-president Rahul Gandhi expressing solidarity with the actor at a function in a Bengaluru school. “Some people say that global warming is happening all across the world. But that’s of no concern to me. A farmer I spoke to in Tera village in Raebareli district told me that it was getting hot. And I believe him.”

“You must ask the Prime Minister why air-conditioning is only for the ‘suit-boot’ crowd,” he continued, “Why can’t a common man like Salman receive air-conditioning?”

Even within the entertainment industry, there was support for Salman with all manner of former Bigg Boss contestants tweeting their support, followed by #ACforSalman. In a promotion for his upcoming film Ranbir Kapoor told CNN-IBN, “I’m not completely sure of what the issue is or why there is so much controversy, but Salman is a good man. And he wouldn’t say something unless he believed it.” When asked for his own view on the heat imbroglio, Ranbir offered no comment.

By Wednesday evening, Salman had had enough, and addressed the media to state, “I love my country, heat, dust and all. But those gathered outside my house shouting abuse at me all day prove my point. Please give them some water; they must be dehydrated from all this terrible hea-…”

Wisely, he stopped himself.

MPs join Arnab’s classes to prepare and train for shouting as winter session of Parliament begins

New Delhi: As the winter session of the Parliament begins, MPs who have been feeling a little out of touch are reportedly attending Arnabs classes to prepare themselves for the shout fest in the coming month.

MPs take a refresher course from Arnab to brush up their shouting and screaming skills

Many Parliament members were seen requesting Arnab to hold special classes to help them better their shouting and screaming skills.

“Yes its true, we have asked Arnab to take a few sessions so that we get a warm up exercise for our vocal chords. Its been a long time since Monsoon session ended and we are literally ‘out of touch’. There has been a lot of noise around this ‘intolerance’ issue and we need to create even more noise inside the Parliament,” said a senior leader from the opposition Congress party.

“We also need to divert attention from Rahul Gandhi’s speech at Caramel College. It was a disaster and our spokesperson had a hard time defending it on news channels. I am sure BJP has already come up with some silly Doraemon and Chhota Bheem jokes to make fun of Rahulji’s speech in the Parliament. We are planning to make a lot of noise on the ‘intolerance’ issue so that BJP doesn’t get a change to ridicule Rahulji,” he added as he frantically made enquiries about Arnab’s shouting classes.

BJP party members too were keen on getting a crash course in screaming. “There are many within BJP who excel at shouting but that special skill of ‘not letting anyone speak’ and then saying ‘that they are not answering the question’ is something which only Mr. Goswami can teach,” said a BJP MP who looked excited to be part of Arnabs class.

Meanwhile, the Editor-in-Chief was also keen on making the most of the situation. An all inclusive economy package for MPs was seen priced at 25000 Rs per head that included shouting, screaming, and facial expression.

The secret to my new world record is ‘Patanjali Sport Shoes': Usain Bolt

Uttarakhand: The 100 meter world record holder Usain Bolt, yet again broke his own title as the world’s fastest man alive by winning the 100 meter race in a record breaking 4.24 seconds, thrilling sports event at PWC (Patanjali World Championships) in Uttarakhand.

Brand Ambassador for Patanjali shoes

Today, in an exclusive interview with Faking News, Bolt revealed his secret to this new world record. He stated, “I purchased many shoes online and offline, practiced wholeheartedly but never achieved so much success, until I met Yogi Baba Ramdev. He gifted me a pair of patanjali sport shoes and shared the secret formula too. While running, I just have to chant the mantras, “Just Speed It” and see I did it.

At the official media launch of “Patanjali Sport Shoes”, Yogi Acharya Balkrishan told, “This is just the beginning, we had distributed patanjali sports shoes to few prominent members as a part of our R & D trials and the results were incredible.”

Patanjali Sports Shoe is synonyms with Speed. Shri. Narendra Modi was our first trial customer and look at the speedy results, by November 2015, he has made more than thirty foreign trips and in a spree to make a world tour record as the PM of India.

He further added, “This is an innovative product and most distinguished feature of this shoe is, it is eco-friendly and releases ‘Oxygen’ from shoes with every step. Baba Ramdev shall be awarded the prestigious Nobel Prize next year for his innovative green shoes.”

Electricity crunch is another major concern in villages. To combat this issue we have launched the rural version with a ‘Solar Torch’ at the toe cap of the shoes.

We have received enormous pre-orders online from various shopping sites for the upcoming Mumbai Marathons and other sporting events. Yogi Balkrishan was super excited in disclosing that the ‘Golden Boot’ has been rechristened to ‘Patanjali Golden Khadau’ which shall be awarded to the top goal scorer in the FIFA World Cup.

Charlie Sheen is yet another fan of Patanjali Sport Shoes, who used them for ‘Speed Dating’ and look at the exceptional results, he dated more than 5000 women world-wide. He further added, It also comes with a Patanjali Running App which can be connected anytime, anywhere, with smartphones to receive alerts on various patanjali diet and healthy food products.

Meanwhile, Social Media Geeks went viral and have renamed the shoes as ‘Bolt Shoes’ whereas some environmental agencies call it as ‘Green Speed Shoes’.

Many Mothers expressed their happiness after using these shoes during the trial events, as this has benefitted them a lot and they can now run cheetah speed to catch and feed their kids who run away from them with the fear of glass of milk.

Ministry of Defense have also ordered the Patanjali shoes for their armed forces to catch the terrorists quickly. Air India today revealed its plans to distribute these shoes to their pilots, so that the flights can run on time and customers are satisfied.

Along with Mumbai Dabbawalas, Mumbai Local Train travelers were also seen excited about this speedy shoes, which they are hoping to help them catch the Mumbai local trains on time.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

IT companies introduce anti-conversion law to prevent ‘Technical to Business Analyst’ role conversions

Bangalore: The conglomerate of service based IT companies in India have reportedly come together to frame a crucial law that will prevent conversion of employees from technical to business analyst roles.

IT employee protesting against the law

In a meeting that was held in ITC Windsor hotel, representatives from a wide range of companies had gathered for a final discussion on the anti-conversion law. If passed, the law would benefit IT companies in a big way.

Majority of the attendees were of the opinion that grass was always greener on the other side of the fence, in other words, a lot of young employees thought it was a great idea to shift to a business analyst role due to a popular misconception that this role would just require spreadsheet decoration, flair for spoken English and email composition.

“All I see business analysts do is give presentations with their nicely decorated charts and graphs. I find that pretty exciting,” said an employee who had just joined the company.

“A large section of young IT professionals are often found to be undermining their own potential which is capable of propelling their career to great heights. They often end up plotting temporary escape plans like running to US for master’s programs without realizing the fact that they would end up in software companies even after getting their master’s degrees,” said a resource expert from Outfosys Technologies.

“They are also heavily influenced by friends and colleagues who incite intolerance towards technical roles stating MBA pass-outs get into executive level roles directly and become the master of puppets like technical people,” remarked a people leader from Potbelly Technologies.

The meeting ended in a final consensus that emphasized on creating awareness on the importance of technical roles in IT service industry which would help in curbing role conversions and lead to stability of wavering minds.

Arnab Goswami finds incriminating video against Aamir Khan on the ‘feel like leaving India’ comment

Mumbai: Editor-in-chief Arnab Goswami has found fresh evidence against Aamir Khan where the bollywood actor says that ‘he doesn’t feel like living in India’.

Speaking to Faking News Arnab said, “The evidence is a video where Aamir Khan is at a restaurant enjoying a candle light dinner and he clearly says that he doesn’t like India and he should be some place other than India.”

“Mr. Aamir Khan should make his position clear as to whether he wants to stay in the country or not because he has hurt the feelings of 15 billion people of this country that have made him who he is today. I have no doubt in my mind that Aamir Khan wants to leave this country and ‘intolerance’ is just an excuse,” screamed the fiery news anchor.

As the video went viral, those who were previously supporting Aamir Khan, now chose not to speak on the issue.

“I supported Aamir and his freedom of expression but now this video has given a new turn to the entire incident. I too would like him to clarify his stand,” said a veteran bollywood actor.

Meanwhile, Aamir Khan has refused to comment on the video saying that the media as usual is trying to twist things. He said that the video is 25 years old and does not hold relevance in the present scheme of things. He requested the media to abstain from making it an issue.

However, Kiran Rao was upset with the video of candle light dinner and is believed to have asked Aamir about the ‘other woman’ in the video. “I wouldn’t say t that their marriage is on the rocks but clearly Kiran is seeking some answers,” said a source close to the couple.

Arnab Goswami was kind enough to share the video with Faking News which has been re-produced for the benefit of viewers.

Members of a fledgling political party protest outside Aamir Khan’s house in ‘PK style’ for his comments

Mumbai: A little known political party sought to leverage the ongoing ‘intolerance drama’ to further its ambition by protesting outside Amir Khan’s house in ‘PK style’.

Protesting in PK style

Aamir Khan had commented on the apprehension of Kiran Rao about living in India. The members of the political party say that such comments destroy the ‘fabric’ of the country and Aamir Khan needs to be taught a lesson. “This is our way of protesting and we too have a right to express ourselves,” said Amit Pandey, leader of the party.

Faking News spoke to Kiran Rao to find out her reaction on the protest. “Yes its true. I woke up today and pushed the curtains and to my horror there were around ‘un-clothed’ men standing standing on the road next to our house. I can confirm that were not wearing anything and had a transistor strategically placed just the how Aamir did for the movie PK,” said a visibly upset Kiran, her face clearing showing struggle to get the images out of her head.

“When I tried to express my anguish on twitter, I was trolled for being intolerant towards people who are exercising their freedom of expression. In fact many on twitter said that they would be happy to be part of the group,” she added.

Members of the party were relentless and said they wouldn’t budge till Aamir Khan apologized for the comment. “The comment is an insult to the people of this country. We will continue to protest till he takes back his comment and apologizes to the people of India. Doodh maango kheer denge, agar maafi na maango toh transistor bhi hata denge,” threatened a member.

Aamir Khan was not available for comment but speaking to a leading newspaper Kiran Rao said that her discussion with Aamir was misconstrued and squarely blamed media and more specifically Arnab Goswami for it. “I was having a discussion with Aamir about New Year’s plan. If we should leave India and go outside or stay back and celebrate here itself. Look how the media twisted it,” she lamented.