Docs to be taught self defence, MBBS to become 8 years long

New Delhi: In an exciting new move by the Medical Council of India, in conjunction with millions of different state boards and deemed universities, has made self-defence a mandatory subject for MBBS students.

A Doctor practicing his moves.

“We intend to have no weak students, neither physically or mentally,” said an excited MCI defence officer while brandishing a broken wooden stick.

In the wake of a multitude of attacks on doctors-in-training by irate members of the public, this is seen as a welcome move. Bechara Bewakoof, 17 year old MBBS aspirant, is furiously doing jumping jacks while desperately trying to balance his glasses on his sweaty nose while reciting chemical formulae at the same time.

Already adept at multi tasking he hopes to be able to go for 36 hours without sleep and 14 hours without a bathroom break just like Bechari Bewakoof, his elder sister, an Internal Medicine resident. She hopes that Self Defence will also be included in post graduate curriculum and wishes she were still doing MBBS to attend this class alone.

“After all, being thrashed for government failings like lack of hospital beds, no electricity, no diagnostic facilities is the birthright of every doctor,” she says.

“The dream is to do this for a nominal pay while being a liability to parents until early thirties at least,” continues Bechari, while counting her anti TB tablets. This last part will definitely come true as the new MBBS course will be 8 years long due to this new subject.

Both say that they already know how to escape in case of attack. They also know which part of their fungus and rodent infested hostels is safe from attack.

To go on the offensive in rare circumstances of grave provocation, they may offer stale food from their canteens to their attackers. Bechara of course is still preparing theory while Bechari has had full opportunity to develop these skills practically.

The course will hopefully include Magic from next semester for MBBS and Post graduate students. The doctors will then be able to create MRI machines, CT scanners, generic medications and equipped operation theatres out of thin air.

Bechara now excitedly plays the Harry Potter movies simultaneously, adding to his tasks. “The real power of Magic will be that even if the patient gives no history or has come too late, doctors will be able to guess the diagnosis without any tests at all and make him good as new with a spell,” he says breathlessly between jumps on a full bladder.

The panacea, according to Dr Bechari Bewakoof, is to be used after working hard and trying to practice quality medicine. This may only be achieved after decades of best practice. “That lends a whole new dimension to Self Defence,” says Bechari dreamily with stars in her eyes.

Meanwhile, their neighbour Duck Quack has claimed to cure death and is reaping millions as thousands of believers swoon at his feet. He is thinking of roping in Dr Amir Khan for his ad campaign.

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