Faking News - leading news satire website of India: June 2015

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Bewdas declare Modi’s Mann Ki Baat as fake, argue not possible to do it without getting drunk

New Delhi. Bewda Association of India (BAI) held a press conference yesterday and raised serious questions about the authenticity of PM’s radio address to nation called Mann Ki Baat.

BAI president Bijay Kallya told the media, “We seriously doubt the genuineness of Modi’s Mann ki Baat as it is highly impossible to do Mann ki baat without the help of alcohol. As you must have seen in your friend circles, true Mann ki baat only comes after 4-5 Patiala pegs or may be even more depending upon one’s capacity.”

One needs to be as high as Modi’s hand to do Mann ki Baat.

“I had my doubts from day one when a Gujju (Read Teetotaler) was promising Achche Din. You see, no one knows Achche din better than us as we are king of good times. Yet we believed in him, thinking after living as a Gujju may be he wants to change and really bring good times for whole of India. Then he announced that he will do his Mann ki Baat on weekends. Blame me if mention of good times and Mann ki baat during weekends does not clearly indicate towards a good drinking session with friends,” reasoned Mr. Kallya, who is also a part time second year engineering student.

“Our suspicion started when we came to know about the telecast timings of Mann Ki Baat. 11AM?? Come on… Isn’t 11PM a much suitable time for Mann Ki Baat? If you do not agree to me, just listen what he talks about during Mann Ki Baat. Beti Bachao Beti Badhao? Is this PM’s Mann Ki baat? Come on…” asked a rather furious Mr. Kallya.

Mr. Kallya continued with the press meet with his own Mann Ki Baat. “Do you think Modi’s actual Mann Ki baat can be complete without any Shehzada Jokes? Won’t he brag about the beautiful countries he has seen in recent times? Don’t you think he wants to give an earful to Arnab for his Noisehour? Don’t you think he wants to say something to his own people like Saakshi Mahraj and Arun Jaitely? I am dead sure, if he really talks his Mann ki baat, he will talk at least 30 mins about Advani ji.”

When asked what changes he suggests to the PM with regard to Mann Ki baat program, Mr. Kallya said, “We have only one suggestion. Either change the name of program or change its content. We are there for help in any case. After all we have supported Modi ji since he was CM of Gujarat, as most members in our Bewda Association of India (BAI) belong to Gujarat. We seriously hope that Modi ji will listen to us and do a real Mann Ki Baat after having at least 2 glasses of Raja-Fisher Beer. Only few gifted people like Ashutosh can talk like drunks without getting drunk. I don’t think Mr Modi has that ability in him,” signed off Mr. Kallya.

After Amit Shah says Hinduism has all solutions, Greek PM seeks help for financial crisis

Athens: PM of Greece Alexis Tsipras is a worried man, given that the country is going through severe credit crisis. Although European Commission is expected to propose a bailout package, PM Tsipras is not taking any chances.

Scanning newspapers while looking for attractive EMI offers, the Greek PM came across the statement of BJP President Amit Shah, where he had claimed that ‘Hindu religion can solve all problems’.

Greek PM in an emergency meeting to discuss if 'Hinduism can resolve their credit crisis'.

Greek PM in an emergency meeting to discuss if ‘Hinduism can resolve their financial crisis’.

Filled with hope, the Greek PM is reported to have immediately called up Shah to seek help.

Speaking to Faking News, a sources close to PM Tsipras said, “This is not the first time we have reached out to an Indian politician for help. We earlier tried consulting with Kapil Sibal, hoping to come up with zero debt theory, but that didn’t help. Our PM also sought help from Jayalalitha to check if we can orchestrate any calculation mistakes, but that also failed. Finally, in an emergency meeting yesterday, the decision was taken to consult Mr. Amit Shah.”

Although Amit Shah’s office has not offered any solutions yet to the Greek PM, party member Sakshi Maharaj claimed that Greece was looking in the right direction. “Ever Greek should become Hindu, and this diwaala will become diwaali. They are suffering due to sins of that Muslim ruler Sikandar,” he said. When this reporter reminded him that Alexander or Sikandar was not a Muslim, Sakshi Maharaj said that it didn’t matter and his statement must be given importance.

Not only Sakshi Maharaj, BJP leader Subramanian Swamy too offered his comments even though the party and the government are avoiding the issue. “Greece’s debt crisis is a direct result of Sonia Gandhi’s visit to UK last week,” Swamy said.

Meanwhile sources say that Rahul Gandhi was seen discussing with Robert Vadra on the possibility of buying entire Greece and if there could be a MNREGA for unemployed people in Greece for credit empowerment.

Vijay Mallaya, a veteran in field of credit default was also seen giving pointers to a team from Greece that was on a 4 day visit to India, while AAP leader Arvind Kejriwal is keenly watching every development so that he knows what to do in Delhi after a couple of years.

Politically aware youth still wondering which US Presidential candidate to support for maximum RTs/Likes

New Delhi: 24 yrs old Vipin Kumar, a very active social media user in India is struggling to decide which US Presidential candidate he should be supporting for the 2016 elections.

Vipin, who spends 16 hrs per day on Twitter, Facebook, Quora and Reddit debating politics is worried that he may lose out on a lot of RTs on Twitter and FB likes if he ends up picking a loser.

which one of these two will give me more RTs/Likes

Speaking to Faking News, Vipin said, “I am worried yaar. There are so many of them. Which one is RT material, which one is not. Should I go Democrat or pick a Republican. I don’t know what they are but apparently they are the 2 choices in USA. Bobby Jindal would have been a favourite if he had spoken of how proud he is of his Indian descent but the bugger is hell bent on playing the white guy. Jokes on him will get good retweets but supporting him means many unfollows, unfriendings.”

“Supporting Trump means a good number of RTs from a verified account with 3 Million followers. Idiot retweets anything if you praise him; much like BJP’s Sambit Patra but it fills your mentions with a lot of abuses from angry Americans. I don’t want that”, Vipin added.

Vipin explained that he used a similar model in Indian elections to build his follower base online and got thousands and thousands of retweets and likes. He said, “I backed Modi and BJP initially when they were the only politicians with a good social media presence. Then with the arrival of Youth Congress workers, I started praising Rahul Gandhi. Lately, AAP started gaining prominence and I became Kejriwal fan to get RTs from all the cool people in Delhi and Mumbai. Some call me Thaali ka Baingan but they are just jealous of my 100,000 followers on Twitter and 500,000 likes on my FB page.”

As of now Vipin is leaning towards Hillary Clinton as the most likely candidate he will end up supporting for the US elections. Explaining the rationale, he said “First of all I can be a cool feminist by supporting a female for the post of US President. That is a huge number of retweets and likes assured. Then, it is easier to remember her name thanks to years of coverage of Clintons in Indian media. Some candidates I can’t even remember the names of, like Hucklebee, Hakka Bee, Marco Polo, Marco Robo, what confusion man. Clinton is easier.”

When we asked him why he is stressing over US elections when he can’t even vote there, Vipin replied “Man I didn’t vote in India also but did that stop me from running political campaigns online?”

Dropped from Zimbabwe series, Ravindra Jadeja vows to make a stronger come back to ‘non-performance’

Jamnagar. Alleged all-rounder Ravindra Jadeja who was dropped from upcoming Zimbabwe tour by Indian selectors, has today decided to make the most of the time spent off-field by coming back with even stronger non-performance, whenever selected again.

Jadeja while accepting decision of selectors vowed that he still had lot of non-performance left in him as a cricketer and had the ability to bounce back into playing 11.

“Not performing has always been my forte and I won’t compromise on this natural game of mine, just because my critics are slamming me. I was given the title of SIR because of this and have been in team for this long only because of my consistency in not performing,” Jadeja told Faking News, when asked if he was planning to bring about a change in his game.

This is how serious Jadeja is about making a comeback.

Although Jadeja is still confused as to what led selectors to drop me and wonders if he inadvertently performed during Bangladesh tour.

“I am going through my videos and looking for those phases of the game where I may have lost focus and performed which eventually may have forced selectors to rest me,” he said.

“After having found out the reasons for my performance, I will work hard to iron out those flaws strengths and will further deteriorate whatever technique I possess,” he added.

Jadeja further pointed that age was on his side unlike others like Irfan Pathan, who has lost confidence of selectors, after experience and maturity over the time led him to start performing.

“I am not thinking about retiring till I have the passion to not play,” he said.

Meanwhile making a comeback into the side after a huge gap, the original Bench star of Indian team Manoj Tiwary, claims he is excited to given one more opportunity to represent and strengthen bench strength of Indian team.

“Over past couple of years, people had begun comparing Stuart Binny with me, while some even suggested that he has filled up my shoes bench. I think now is the time for me to shut those voices forever. I am not done,” Tiwary told Faking News.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Shahid Afridi to campaign for JD(U) as “young Sharad Yadav” for garnering votes from the elderly

Patna: In an interesting move, the incumbent party of Bihar JD(U) has decided to rope in popular cricketer Shahid Afridi for their campaign for the Assembly Elections later this year. Shahid’s close resemblance to young Sharad Yadav is believed to be the prime reason behind this move aimed at garnering votes from the elderly.

Faking News reached out to the party senior Nitish Kumar who seemed quite confident of carrying Shahid along with him for election rallies.

“Sharad Yadav from the past, Shahid Afridi from the present.”

“Sharad ji used to be a handsome hunk and had a lot of fans during early days in politics. The ones who grew old with him will have to revive their fandom and vote for JD(U)”, said Nitish Kumar as he negotiated Afridi’s remuneration in the background.

Afridi on the other hand was elated with this opportunity and was quite confident that he could move into Bollywood right after campaigning and settle down in Mumbai, like Adnan Sami.

Lalu Yadav was not very happy with this move as he thought this would shift the vote-bank towards JD(U) and eventually, he would have to obey Nitish.

Sources say to counter this move, Lalu is now once again planning to rope in the infamous Osama Bin Laden look alike to campaign for RJD, to attract Muslim votes like he had previously.

Meanhwile Congress, also part of alliance with RJD and JDU for Bihar elections, has asked both parties to stop such gimmicks and instead focus on the one and only youth leader Rahul Gandhi.

Arnab’s LalitGate all set to beat BR Chopra’s Mahabharat as longest running war serial

Mumbai: LalitGate, the new war and battle based reality TV serial directed by Arnab Goswami exclusively for Times Now, is set to be the longest running war serial. It has managed to comfortably beat the record held by BR Chopra’s Mahabharata which ran for ninety four consecutive episodes during late eighties.

The executive producer of the show who is close to Arnab spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. He started the interview by telling, “Unlike Mahabharata, which was pre-recorded, edited & then telecast on weekly basis, the LalitGate serial will run in live telecast mode on daily basis as the most of the reality TV serials run these days. We have requested all the actors belonging to different political parties and civil society members to come well prepared for the battle, as there will be no chance for retakes.”

Arnab’s Mahabharat beats the original as the longest running war serial

One key observation by Faking News was that the same set of spokespersons were attending the show regularly. As per the executive producer of the serial, “Some of them have conceded during off the record conversation that other party members are not interested to participate as they are afraid Arnab might charge them of wrongdoing anytime as every day the serial take new twist and turns. Defending party or other stalwarts from your party is manageable to some extent, but defending yourself on a live show is really tough.”

“We have full sympathy for the ones who are participating and playing key characters in this serial. We also know without their support our serial will come to an abrupt end. It is our duty to help them during these high intensity debates for which we have increased the number of breaks. During those breaks, Arnab gives them access to call their party headquarters or anyone to strategize and realign their arguments as per the latest development.”

The executive producer further added, “In last fifteen episodes we have covered hardly ten percent of the explosive material we possess. Please note we have more than 50 news reporters who are on the ground to collect more proof and material. I can see some parties have taken a high moral stand now and feel like their party is on the ascendancy. I would like to warn them not to be carried away. Like Sony’s CID serial, there will be major twists and turns next week. I am afraid some major embarrassment is in store for some of them who are laughing right now like Draupadi was laughing when Duryodhana fell in water.”

When Faking News asked about the TRP LalitGate was getting right now, the executive producer told us, “The report I am getting from the ground is of unprecedented success. With Bangladesh series over and no Khan movies till Eid, I expect there would a huge surge in TRP’s. This is the biggest bet the channel has taken after #AnnaKiAugustKranti which was a golden jubilee hit as it ran for more than 50 consecutive days. I expect this has the potential to be platinum hit minimum, may be much more than that.”

The executive producer concluded the interview by telling “Ye to bas trailer hai, picture abhi baki hai mere dost”.

Driver was listening to PM’s Mann ki Baat when the train accident happened: Congress

New Delhi: Just a day after a local train in Mumbai crashed into a platform at Churchgate station, Congress party has already come up with its version of what led to the accident. According to a spokesperson for the party, the driver of the train was listening to PM Modi’s Mann ki Baat on his smartphone when the accident occurred.

What Congress party believes caused the accident

Speaking to FN a party member said, “The driver of the train lost control and failed to apply brakes on time as he was busy listening to the PM on the radio. But it’s not the driver fault. He was distracted by the PM’s address. Modiji should take moral responsibility for the accident and resign immediately.”

Congress party also alleged that all government servants have been given instructions to tune into PM’s Mann Ki Baat on Sunday and to ensure that they don’t skip it; surprise quiz is conducted on Monday for which PM Modi personally sets the questions. An official investigation into the accident revealed the possibility of human error as the driver dozed off but the Congress party refuted it saying that government is just trying to find excuses.

The party also demanded an immediate ban on Mann Ki Baat, saying that it did not add any value to the life of the common man. “PM is distracting the people and ignoring core issues. BJP Ministers are charged with corruption and PM is asking for #selfiewithdaughter. Modiji is good only for two things, taking selfies and going on foreign trips.”, said a Congress Minister as news of Rahul Gandhis’s UK trip came in.

Meanwhile, BJP said that the accident occurred as the driver dozed off and failed to apply the brakes on time. A party spokesperson said, “Sleeping is a basic human need and driver should not be blamed for it. Does Mr. Rahul Gandhi not sleep in the parliament? Why blame the poor driver.”

The situation has quickly turned political with both parties blaming each other. Not to be left behind, AAP has also jumped in and said that the accident could have been averted had AAP been in power as the driver would have taken a u-turn before hitting the buffer. Media is also trying its best to give it a religious color to garner TRP’s with some trying to find out if the driver belonged to minority community and if he was overworked during the holy month.

People in train crashed at Churchgate unaffected as they had jumped out, like always, before it halted

Mumbai. Yesterday in a freak incident at Churchgate, a local train derailed and rammed into the dead end.

However despite the crash appearing to be scary and somewhat massive, not a single passenger in the local was hurt and everybody came out unscathed.

Onlookers say that the habit of Mumbaikars to jump out of a local even before it halts is what seemed to have resulted in not a single passenger getting affected.

Everybody was out of the train way before this happened.

“This is a slap on the face of all those announcements at stations and my so called well wishers, who advise me to wait for the train to stop before jumping out. If I had followed their advice, I would probably have been giving this byte to you from hospital,” said a 25 year old daredevil passenger from second coach, who credited his habit of jumping from the train for saving his life.

“Like always despite having no hurry to reach anywhere and the platform being virtually empty, I out of impulse jumped out few seconds before train actually halted, thereby avoiding myself from the aftershocks of the crash,” he went on to explain.

Not just this, our reporter traced few people from the train, who were not even aware that such a mishap had taken place.

“What crash are you talking about? Everything appeared smooth when I alighted on the railway track,” said a man from last coach of the local, who couldn’t even wait for platform to come, “Yeah, there was some hullabaloo as I reached the platform, but as I have to abide by the spirit of Mumbai, I didn’t bother to check what it was all about and went on with my work.”

Many of these people are confident that one day their habit of directly crossing railway tracks and not using the overhead bridges meant for same, would also save their lives.

Meanwhile latest reports say that there was one woman who injured herself in the accident has vowed to learn this art of alighting from a running train after she is discharged from the hospital.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

No definite answer to ‘How much do you love me’ reveals research report

New Delhi: A committee of 5 including superiors from almost every social sector revealed after a year long research that there is no definite answer to the most asked question particularly by wives and girlfriends, “How much do you love me?”

Lead Researcher and Mathematician Dr. Kamal Singh said that he found the results of the study disappointing but had to accept them based on the data collected by the committee.

I do love you, but i don’t know how much

Dr. Singh spoke at a press conference in New Delhi and stated, “As a mathematician, I believe any question of ‘how much’ should have a concrete answer. The exception is mathematical equation for which the solution is infinity. But separate from those, it feels dissatisfying to obtain the results we did.”

“We worked hard for it but couldn’t manage to get a positive result. It’s sad that no one from the team succeed in finding the unit of measurement for love.” Dr. Singh told reporters.

“I am sorry to say this but for now we will have to go with the usual ‘a lot’ as an answer for this question. Or, you can make it creepier by spreading your arms as wide as possible while poking someone in the eyes and say this much when someone asks you such question.” Dr. Singh said.

“Although, while we were researching we figured out that there could be a few more responses to this question which are better than the ones we are using till today. Like ‘I love you more than Kanye West loves Kanye West’ can be a gem of an answer. Because, I believe that’s a lot of love we are talking about here.” Dr. Singh added.

Dr. Singh and his team apologized to the fearful husbands and boyfriends who have to face this question almost every day for not being able to help them in any way. Though, the team said that they haven’t lost all their hopes yet and their next project would be to figure out apt replies for “Khane me kya banau?” and “How many times have I told you not to do this?”

Mumbai auto driver changes his job after cardiac surgery; becomes a bank robber

Mumbai: An auto driver from Navi Mumbai’s suburban area recently had a cardiac surgery and changed his profession as a full-time bank robber. Learning of this rather peculiar news-bit, Faking News waved down at the auto driver in front of a medical shop in Vashi.

“I have been an auto driver all my life and I have been hale and healthy during all my mugging years. Only recently, the tension of right investment due to excess wealth and the trouble caused by police, the IT guys and the sales team of banks have become unbearable. My heart, otherwise very strong for day-time robbery, has succumbed to pressure and I had this cardiac arrest”, Mr. Automan told Faking News.

Robbing banks is easier than fleecing customers

“Very bad time to retire, really! Rainy season is when we make most of the money. We save the bulk for non-rainy days. Look, I charge Rs.150 per seat from Vashi to Ghansoli on rainy days. That is Rs.600 per trip. 10 to 15 trips during the day put me in the bracket of 8K per day. How am I going achieve that kind of money robbing the banks now?” Automan expressed his concern to the reporter.

“Oh! I can handle it. It would be a child’s play. When we can handle all kinds of passengers, even as some of them threaten to call the police commissioner against an excessive fare, robbing a bank is quite easy. Mostly it is going to be night time and I can take the watchman for a ride”, Automan told Faking News oozing coolness and confidence.

“My concern though is: will Indian banks have any money now? The news from central government and all the mainstream media are not quite encouraging, what with #blackmoneylist trending only with foreign banks; If nothing else, I will hire a team of autos and enter the banks during closing hours and force everyone to take an auto ride back home. Now, that is the kind of robbery I am sure will fetch me the money that I am looking for” Automan explained his backup business plan to the Faking News reporter who was seen buying some tranquilizers in the medical shop to get him through this rainy season.

Divorced man hunts down his friends who had commented ‘Made for each Other’ on his Facebook marriage pics

Mumbai: A man who recently divorced his wife is arrested by investigative agencies for serial killing spree. The murderer is said to have taken down his own friends who had commented ‘Made for each other’ on his marriage photos posted in the social networking site Facebook.

Ashok killed his friends who had commented similar to the Facebook users in this sample pic.

Talking about the serial killing investigation, CID officer Raman, said, “We were investigating about the death of five people aged 26 in different areas of Mumbai and Pune. When we were researching about their history, we found out that the five of them studied in the same college. We started to trace their batch mates to find out about their college rivalries, which we suspected as behind their murders. We clubbed the seperate teams which were investigating those murders and formed single team which went through all of the batchmates’ activities in the past weeks and interrogated few suspects who were last seen with the killed friends. During interrogation of one such batchmate, he broke down and confessed of the crime.”

“Not only that, the murderer Ashok had planned to kill 12 more people of both genders in the forthcoming weeks. Further grilling revealed shocking intention behind his killing. Ashok was married to his longtime lover Rashmi three years back. They married straight after graduating from college. But within few months into his marriage, bitterness crept between them and they got seperated. Just two months back, Rashmi got divorced from Ashok with a hefty maintenance amount. It was then he was going through his Facebook marriage photos before deleting them, he found few comments like ‘Made for Each other’, ‘Match made in heaven’ from his friends. His rage knew no bounds when he saw those comments.”, continued another office Shekar.

Shekar then explained the modus operandi of the serial murders, “Ashok tracked down his friends who commented ‘Made for Each other’ style comments and took them to lonely spot. Ashok himself confessed that he showed each of them the printout of his Facebook marriage photos with comments before killing them by shooting with his father’s gun. His father, being a retired army office, has a licensed gun at home. Ashok had revealed that he had planned to shoot all of them who had commented in his marriage photos. During interrogation, Ashok asked me a shocking question ‘How can people know that a couple are made for each other even before they start their married life?’. His crime was barbaric, but his question startled me. I have planned to do special torture investigation of all of those uncles who said ‘Made for each other’ during my marriage twenty years ago.”

Friday, June 26, 2015

World’s richest man boards Uber during surge pricing, gets down as world’s 2nd richest man

Mumbai. Mexico’s multi billionaire Karlos Fatsos who was once hailed as world’s richest man reported a huge decrease in wealth yesterday after he took an Uber taxi ride from Dadar to Elphinstone Road. When Karlos entered the cab he was apparently world’s richest man as per Forbes but when he got down he was shocked to find that he was now downgraded to the world’s 2^nd richest man.

Karlos who was in Mumbai for an Indo-Mexico business ties summit and few other key business meetings has been in a state of depression since this incident. This incident reportedly happened when Karlos’ own car suddenly broke down outside Hotel Bawa Oberoi and he had to hail an Uber SUV service, a ride which apparently costed him millions.

And from here on his wealth started decreasing.

Later talking to reporters at the business-summit Karlos narrated the whole incident, “When my car broke down I booked an Uber SUV through the Uber App and that was my biggest mistake, as it is the most expensive of all options. In addition to the heinous per KM fare, it was also under 20.3 x surge pricing. I was forced to book it as I had to reach my destination ASAP, and was not getting any other taxi options due to heavy rains and unavailability of cabs. I even thought of taking a normal taxi but that might have been costlier, so I stuck to Uber,” Karlos rued.

He further continued, “Exactly at the time when I was entering the Uber SUV cab, a BBC correspondent took my pic and uploaded it onto the BBC website with the headline “Karlos takes Uber, stakeholders beware”. It was then shared on twitter by a CNN correspondent. Just after that a business news channel analyst took that photo and presented an analysis that this Uber ride will actually cost me atleast a million dollars. He gave a reason that there was a huge Uber surge-pricing going ON in Mumbai plus Mumbai roads were blocked due to heavy traffic, which will further pushup the waiting time tariff.”

“After this analysis report there was no stopping to this news, as it snow-balled into a major discussion all over the world. The news spread like a real wildfire across markets and my stocks started tanking sharply. Although my actual Uber bill came to be only Rs. 3498.57 for a 3.1 KM ride, but due to this negative market sentiment my company stocks are all in red and I have lost millions within a few hours. Indeed the most expensive cab ride of my life,” Karlos wiped the sweat on his forehead and said.

While Uber has not issued an official comment on the whole issue, Karlos’ company stocks are reported to be stable from the time he got down from the cab and quickly changed his Facebook location from “Uber Cab” to “On the street”.

After spending 2 hrs on YouTube, Upper caste Hindu man finds out he is potential rapist who oppresses minority and lower-caste

Gurgaon. Mr. Fake Pandit a techie from the city yesterday tried committing suicide after he found out that he is a potential rapist who is ‘unknowingly’ oppressing the minorities and doing injustice to the lower-caste.

“My husband works in IT company, which means he doesn’t have a life. But yesterday he was happy when he came home after two days. Since his project’s fifth release date this year is close, he works 22 hours a day and sleeps in office. After a week he was given a permission to go home for 8 hours. Our kids were happy to find out that their father actually exist and not a made up character like Santa,” said Mrs. Pandit.

Pandit in a light mood when he started.

According to his wife someone has posted a link on the Facebook about some social issue, which lead to a chain of events and Mr. Fake came across many videos regarding the issues. A video made by hard-hitting social reformist, who failed in his BA, was the last video Mr. Fake saw before taking the drastic step. The video was showing many mid-aged men looking at girls while pretending to look at traffic while crossing the road. The message was clear and simple, don’t look at the traffic when a girl is around, just respect your senses, take a leap of faith and cross. How can you respect a girl if you can’t respect your senses?

When we reached Mr. Fake he was working from hospital. Constantly crying in pain and taking medicine while typing the code.

When asked why he is still working he said, “My manager said attempting suicide is not a valid reason for a leave, I have to finish this work by eleven today and then he will give me a day’s leave to attempt suicide. So will talk to you later at lunch time.”

Around 1:30 pm when it’s the lunch time at his office, our correspondent got the time to ask him why he took such a drastic step. He said, “I am working 22 hours a day from two weeks and 16 hours before that, the remaining time I either eat or sleep constantly unaware of how big threat I am. Yesterday was eye-opener I saw those videos who constantly blamed me for all the wrong doings which made me feel guilty.”

“They are right. When I can walk looking at my shoes, why I look in the front, getting hit by something and getting killed is no excuse for looking at a girl. And even worse, after coding for 16 hours, I get blurry vision and I can only distinguish things by the figures which mean I accidentally objectify women by looking at the shapes. Also because of high cholesterol and high BP, my doctor told me to stop consuming non-veg which makes me vegetarian which directly means I am a hindutva flag bearer, in addition to that when I realized I don’t even have an opinion on beef-ban, I broke down I couldn’t take it. And please don’t ask me about doing injustice to lower-caste people, I mean isn’t it enough to say that it’s my fault that I was born in an Upper-caste family?” he added.

For future, Mr. Fake Pandit has decided to undergo a surgery so that he can only see anything that is in range of 3 feet from his eyes and is planning to eat beef at least once a day and go on save Gaza candle light marches to prove himself to be a better secular. He has already decided to save water only on Holi and stop pollution only on Diwali.

Man who after looking at every girl and saying ‘Bhabhi hai teri’ to his friends finally manages to get married at 56

New Delhi: A wave of happiness has hit the Virgin Colony of East Delhi where 90% of the residents are single males ever since their self proclaimed veteran cum legend named Sunoji Sharma somehow managed to get married at the age of 56 this Sunday.

It is believed in inner circles of Virgin Colony that Sunoji Sharma always had a knack to sense the presence of girls even from a distance of 1 km. He was always the first one to say “Bhabhi hai teri” to his friends after looking at a girl.

“I still remember it clearly that sometimes without even looking at the girl Sunoji used to say ‘don’t look at her, Bhabhi hai teri’. At one point of time, almost every girl in the college and on the stalk streets of Connaught Place was our Bhabhi. So the d-day came and we had to stop our evening stalking sessions with him and our Bhai was not our Bro any more. Many times Rishteys (proposals of arranged marriage) came for me and I had to say no after seeing their faces because Sunoji had called dibs on them and made them my Bhabhis.”, Hanji Gupta old friend of Sunoji Sharma told Faking News.

He further added, “The funny part is this, all the girls he called our Bhabhis after looking at them, all these girls said, “Tu toh Bhai hai mera”, after looking at him. I am happy that he has been finally blessed with Savita Bhabhi such a cultured girl.”

When Faking news caught up with Sunoji Sharma he said, “Your Bhai has got married finally. I forgive all those girls who rejected my application for their husbands and rather offered me the position of their Bhai. The atmosphere in my neighborhood is like the ending of Lagaan when it rains, every bachelor bhai of mine is so happy now and hoping for a chain reaction leading to their marriages.

When our Faking News reporter tried to check out Sunoji‘s wife,

Sunoji said, “Beth Ja kake, Bhabhi hai teri and that too officially.”

Friday faking release: Hunterrr

A tribute to Arnab’s never ending hunt for resignations and controversies.

The email that Arnab Goswami is hiding from you, a Faking News investigation

New Delhi: Arnab Goswami may have produced copies of the email’s that were exchanged between Lalit Modi and Sushma Swaraj. Mr. Goswami also has in his possession signed documents by Vasundhara Raje. But there is one email that he has not revealed to the nation yet. This email will tell you why Sushma Swaraj did it on humanitarian grounds and Vasundhara Raje did it for a friend. This email will lay to rest all unanswered questions.

Faking News reporter spoke to Sushma Swaraj and she confirmed receiving this email. She said, “After reading the mail, I knew something had to be done. I couldn’t let a fellow Indian down. Main stream media is twisting facts. I want people to know the truth, that is why I am sharing this email with you.”

Vasundhara Raje too echoed similar views. She said, “What is wrong in accepting a friend request. Do I have to resign for that?”

Here is what no other news channel will show you.

Email received by Sushma Swaraj

Hi5 request sent by Lalit Modi to Sushma Swaraj

Political parties request Lalit Modi to stop naming more politicians on humanitarian grounds

New Delhi. While the Lalit Modi controversy has stretched beyond it’s ‘sell by’ date and has lost its shock value, Lalit Modi continues to be in extended power play mode and is showing no signs of cooling down. Day after day he is coming up with new names and proving acquaintance with big shots.

Wary of getting named in his tweets, a group of politicians, bureaucrats, industrialists and journalists have written to Lalit Modi appealing him not to mention their name on humanitarian grounds. Since the issue started when Sushma ji helped you on ‘Humanitarian’ grounds, it would be appropriate if you also consider our situations on same grounds, the group has allegedly pleaded to former IPL chief.

A veteran Congress leader told Shaitaan Khopdi™, “Every day when I wake up, I first check his tweets to ensure that he has not named me yet. We somehow managed to see through Modi wave in 2014, now there is another Modi wave!!! Earlier we used to ask, where is Modi wave? Now we are wondering how many more Modi waves are there to come. There is an atmosphere of constant fear in this country. If this is not emergency that what is an Emergency?”

“Minimum 5 more names I will take”

Meanwhile the news channels are fed up of holding the debate centered on Lalit Modi for more than 2 weeks and are looking for a change in topic. Nidhi Razdan from NDTV tried being creative with news headlines, like she always is, “Even 68 years after independence someone sitting in UK continues to call the shots. Is this the India PM Modi promised?”

Even the Congress which was in celebration mode during earlier findings has suddenly lost interest after Lalit Modi enveloped Gandhis in the tweets. Sources tell that Mrs Gandhi has gone abroad to convince Lalit Modi to keep quiet. “On one hand we have a PM who goes abroad every other day amid lot of chest thumping, media coverage and PR, the ever so humble Gandhis slip out quietly without any show off. I have to rely on Subramanian Swami’s tweets to know when madam is going abroad,” said Sanjay Jha.

“While PM’s foreign trips are yet to yield any visible result on grounds, Mrs. Gandhi’s visit will bring the much-needed peace in the country immediately,” Sanjay Jha concluded giving a virtual Hi-Five to Manish Tewari.

Times Now which claims to have broken this story is also finding it impossible to move to other topics without putting this to a logical end. “Ye Lalit Modi wala issue Arnab ke gale ki haddi ban gaya hai, na nigal pa rahe hain na ugal pa rahe hain”, a junior staff explained Arnab’s situation. “After banging his head on Times Now studio begging for Sushma Swaraj’s resignations, Arnab Goswami realized that he has to shift the goal post. He gradually moved to Vasundhara Raje and later Pankaja Munde. At present he is so desperate that he will even accept resignation of security guards of Times Now studio so that he can put up hashtag #TimesNowImpact.”