Faking News - leading news satire website of India: September 2013

Monday, September 30, 2013

Lalu Yadav asks Ram Jethmalani if he can blame animals for Fodder Scam

New Delhi. After being convicted by the CBI court and facing disqualification as an MP, RJD chief Lalu Yadav is making a last ditch, but most important, effort to save his political career.

The former CM of Bihar has approached well known lawyer Ram Jethmalani to get a clean chit in the fodder scam case.

Sources confirm that Lalu is impressed with Mr. Jethmalani’s arguments in the Asaram Bapu’s case where he had suggested that the girl had a disease that attracted her to men. Lalu wants the veteran lawyer to play the role of a veterinary doctor this time and find out if the animals too were suffering from some disease.

Sources further confirm that Mr. Jethmalani is assessing the merits of the case.

“The general perception is that Lalu ate the fodder meant for animals. Why are we ruling out the possibility where animals were suffering from anorexia and refused to eat the fodder? This might have pushed Lalu to eat the fodder,” Ram Jethmalani is reported to have prepared his brief.

The Supreme Court lawyer is trying to find out other reasons too if the “disease theory” is frowned upon again.

One of the possible logical and legal explanations of the fodder scam

“Maybe the animals were fasting, or maybe they were bored of the same old fodder and probably wanted some international cuisine like French Fries, Burgers, or even Thai food. This explains not only why Lalu ate fodder, but also why the cost of fodder was so high. They had to source from foreign countries,” argued Mr. Ram Jethmalani.

Such arguments are not only supposed to give a clean chit to Lalu Yadav but put blame on animals for being too choosy and irresponsible in their dietary habits.

Though Mr. Jethmalani is pretty confident that his argument would be accepted, he has a backup plan ready too.

“We don’t know. Either he could claim that fodder had a chronic disease that drew him closer to the RJD chief, or maybe the simpler route – keep on appealing in the higher courts and a final verdict could be announced by the second half of the 22^nd century, when even any tortoise related to the case would have died,” a source said.

Manmohan Singh grabbed Nawaz Sharif by collar over Dehati Aurat remark

The unbelievable moment in the history of India-Pak relations

New York, USA. Pissed off with everyone pushing him around as if he were a football, Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh reportedly grabbed Nawaz Sharif by the collar over latter’s “Dehati Aurat” remark.

The incident happened behind closed doors when the two Prime Ministers were supposed to have talks to solve bilateral issues. This was the reason why the two PMs didn’t appear in public together as Nawaz Sharif was too embarrassed to appear in public next to Dr. Singh.

Sources close to PMO revealed that after being insulted by Rahul Gandhi and Congress over the ordinance issue, Nawaz Sharif’s comment played the role of final blow to the Manmohan’s dam of patience, and the first person to get caught in the line of fire was Nawaz himself.

“I was stunned by his sudden attack. The anger and pain in his eyes, I could never forget them,” said Pakistani Prime Minister while having breakfast with this Faking News reporter, “My neck and ears are still hurting.”

If a Pakistani journalist, who ate all the six boiled eggs at the breakfast table, is to be believed, Nawaz Sharif begged for forgiveness and termed Manmohan Singh an “urban legend” before realizing that it was not what he wanted to convey.

“I mean, you are an urban dude who is legendary,” Nawaz Sharif tried to control the situation.

As last ditch attempt to pacify an angry Manmohan Singh, the Pakistani Prime Minister said that he looked up to the Indian Prime Minister as an inspiration and had his picture in his office.

“Whenever I feel the pressure about terror activities on Pakistani soil, I remember you and tell me how you dealt with the pressure about corruption on Indian soil,” Nawaz is reported to have extolled Manmohan Singh.

Nawaz Sharif was finally able to pacify Dr. Singh after he did 100 sit-ups holding his own ears. Sources say that Dr. Singh insisted that Nawaz also goes through the Murga punishment, but a peaceful resolution was adopted soon after.

The incident has sent shockwaves back home as the Congress party is not sure if Manmohan Singh should be allowed an audience with Rahul Gandhi.

“Maybe we will send a lookalike of Rahul ji to make sure no physical injuries is sustained by the youth icon,” a Congress leader said.

While the party is concerned about Rahul Gandhi’s well-being, it believes it’s a good sign. “Last time he had developed six-pack abs before the 2009 general elections and we won!” pointed out the Congress leader.

“Rahul Notebooks” introduced for drafting ordinances

After Rahul Gandhi said that the ordinance giving relief to convicted lawmakers should be torn up and thrown out, the UPA thought how to make it possible:

and they got a solution, probably suggested by Rahul Gandhi himself.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Did Nawaz Sharif call Manmohan Singh a Ranga Siyaar?

After the Dehati Aurat (rustic woman) controversy, a new controversy is brewing over a story told by Nawaz Sharif. This time on Facebook:

Nawaz is a bad story teller, politically correct sources say.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Man feels he is gay because a random survey suggests so

Kolkata. While politicians are losing sleep over findings of opinion poll, a man from Alipore area of the city has lost his sleep over an inncuous survey that suggested that he could well be having an alternative sexuality

A 33 year old happily unmarried man from thinks he is a gay after a study done by Canadian scientists sometime back claimed to have a serious correlation between left handers and homosexuality. The Bollywood crazy man was ~~looking for hot pictures~~ reading his favorite newspaper when he stumbled upon this report on 16th page of that newspaper. What led him to actually read one full article after years of subscription to that newspaper is still not known. However experts claim he could have mistaken the article for something else going by the pic that showed 2 semi-nude girls having their bodies entangled with each other.

The man in question burned the CD of Dostana which he got as a present sometime back from his friend

The research involved a huge sample size of 7 US men of varied ethnicities to come to a conclusion that male homosexuals across the world are 82% more likely than heterosexuals to be left-handed.

The findings shocked the man (himself left-handed) so much that he began wondering if he is indeed a homosexual and if that is the reason he has not been able to say yes to innumerable marriage proposals that have come his way so far. He immediately calculated gender of his friends and found a staggering 75% of his friends belonging to male gender which made him wonder if he could well be a gay. And when he saw a leading Indian fashion designer signing autograph with his left-hand, his worst fear came true.

One of his friends tried to tell him that it was hardly an issue even if he was gay, but the man was hell bent on believing what he read in the newspaper than his close friend.

Although this is not the first time surveys of this sort have been done. Earlier after a research claimed that men with smaller testes make for a better father, families of prospective brides in India were more interested in knowing size of the groom’s testes than his kundli of background.

“The only thing these meaningless and useless surveys establish (besides the bizarre findings and links) is that unemployment or rather joblessness is not just a problem affecting third world country like India but is quite prevalent even in developed nations like US, UK,” claimed an expert having affiliations to the ruling party in India.

Meanwhile the man in question was arrested after his signature on a cheque didn’t match the one in the bank’s database. He had reportedly signed it using right hand. The man was further booked under relevant sections of IPC after he tried to get smart with 58 year old women working as a clerk in the bank.

Prime Minister already programmed to meet Nawaz Sharif, can’t be stopped

New York, USA. After back to back terror strikes in Jammu & Kashmir, pressure is mounting on the Government of India to cancel any meeting between the Indian Prime Minister and the Pakistani Prime Minister. However, sources tell Faking News that this could be next to impossible.

“Dr. Manmohan Singh was programmed to meet Nawaz Sharif before he left India. We didn’t know terror strikes in India would take place after he left. Now we can’t do much as he has already left,” a government source revealed “Right now he is programmed only to shake hands and say theek hai when he meets Nawaz Sharif.”

Receiving signals?

The source further explained that the program can be modified only by Sonia Gandhi, who is in India at the moment.

“The operating system allows administrator logins after recognizing fingerprints, and only Madam Gandhi has the admin rights to login and modify the installation,” the source explained.

“Rahul Gandhi too has admin rights,” the source clarified when this reporter asked, “However, he used to play games after logging in and do nothing else. maybe his recent mood suggests that he could execute a few other applications too, but even he is in India and not in US.”

When asked why remote admin access was not activated, the source said that the government feared hackers getting into act if remote access or network features were enabled.

“People sympathetic to the opposition are quite active as trolls and hackers in the virtual world, hence we didn’t take any chances where the program could be altered and Manmohan Singh could end up saying anything against Rahul Gandhi ji or Madam Gandhi,” the source explained.

Recounting a past incident, another government source divulged that once Manmohan Singh sat in his room without doing anything for 7 days in a row, as Sonia Gandhi had forgotten to program him and went on a foreign trip.

For now, the only option available to the government is to send Sonia Gandhi to US on pretext of regular medical checkups. High command is yet to take a final call on it.

Meanwhile BJP has offered help by proposing to send its Rambo on US mission to stop the pre-programmed Robot. However, the mission is already in jeopardy due to Visa issues.

A page from the hospital diary of the ‘Ordinance’

New Delhi. After a lethal attack on the ordinance by Rahul Gandhi, it was admitted into AIIMS last night. It was torn, thrown out, and bleeding, but the doctors could piece it together after some men took it to the hospital.

Regaining its consciousness, the ordinance jotted down its feelings on a page of diary, which Faking News could access from its sources. Take a read:

That fateful moment when the poor ordinance was given a lethal blow

“Humein to apno ne loota, ghairo me kahaan dam tha. meri kashti doobi thi wahaan, jahaan pani kam tha.”

Feeling betrayed and backstabbed. Never ever imagined that my own parents would try to kill me. Doctors and police say it was a case of attempted honor killing.

Most probably they are right. After the public outrage, looks like my parents were feeling too ashamed of me. But don’t know, if this was the fate I was supposed to meet, why did they conceive me and gave birth to me in first place?

I still remember by birthday; there was a grand party. Party and the allies were so happy. Jubilations were all around. After all, I was their savior from the Supreme Court order of disqualifying convicted legislators.

Many were treating me as avatar of Krishna who would save them from this Supreme Kans. Excited Laloo uncle had declared me as his 10th child and promised me to give 10 buffaloes and lifetime free supply of fodder for them.

Even guys from the opposition and other parties came to the birthday party and put black tika on me. kahin nazar na lag jaaye, lekin lag hi gayi.

I was branded a monster even before I took my first steps from the PMO to the President’s House. Common man started seeing me as a villain who was sent by ‘Tamraj Kilvish‘ to destroy the Indian democracy.

Pressure started to build on my parents to say ‘Sorry Shaktimaan‘ publicly, and all of a sudden I became a liability. I didn’t know that instead of saying Sorry Shaktimaan, Rahul bhaiyya will become Shaktimaan himself.

He appeared out of nowhere, just like Shaktimaan would appear out of thin air, and called me “complete nonsense”.

I felt so bad. Almost felt like Manmohan Singh. I felt worse.

Suddenly Rahul bhaiyya picked me up, tore me, and threw me out. I cried for help, but no one came forward; all of them were busy discussing this Shaktimaan act on TV channels or cracking jokes on Twitter. There, my bones were cracking.

I was orphaned. But thanks to some people who mistook me for the torn Jan Lokpal Bill, I was taken to the hospital, where the doctors saved my life.

I feel betrayed, but I am an optimist. I know all of them need me. One day or later they will come to the hospital to pick me up. Until then, andhera kaayam rahe.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Facebook wall of Rahul Gandhi after slamming ordinance

According to sources such attacks on UPA govt by Rahul Gandhi will continue till voters are convinced he is the best man to lead

Men freed from bonded labor join Congress

New Delhi. 12 men who returned to India last week after freed from a bonded labor contract in Middle East, have taken the primary membership of the Congress party, sources tell Faking News.

“They were stuck with their parasite employers from over a decade. Although they were happy to be back home, they were not sure what to do with their professional skills that they had acquired after a decade of bonded labor,” confirmed a representative of a placement agency who advised the men to join Congress.

The men are happy with their new identities

“Well, once you are accustomed to following orders from high command without questioning or applying your own mind, I think Congress is the only place where you are strategic fit,” the representative said.

When asked why did he not suggest these men to join BJP and become blind supporters of Narendra Modi, the representative said that he did consider that option too.

“Blind supporters of Narendra Modi are not much different from bonded laborers of Congress, but there is no such official position in the offline world. I was looking for employment options beyond Twitter and Facebook,” he said.

“Also, Congress is secular. You never know that these guys might have become communal after being in Middle East,” he added.

The 12 men, now Congress workers, have expressed happiness at their new job and confirmed that they were feeling at home.

“Rahul Gandhi zindabad!” one of them said when this reporter asked if he thought Indian economy was doing better than that of the Middle Eastern countries.

Such insults won’t deter me from digesting further insults: Manmohan Singh

New York, USA. After Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi publicly humiliated Dr. Manmohan Singh by calling an ordinance cleared by his government as “complete nonsense”, Dr. Singh has said that such insults won’t hamper his spirit.

Dr. Manmohan Singh reacts to Rahul Gandhi’s latest statements

“Although I live in Delhi, I have the Mumbai spirit,” the putative Prime Minister of India told Faking News, “This indeed is an insult, but I can sustain and survive millions of such insults.”

When asked how did he summon so much courage and fortitude to keep up with such level of public humiliation, the Prime Minister credited Rahul Gandhi for his indomitable spirit.

“When Rahul ji said that ‘power is poison’, I knew that I’ve to be ready to swallow poison. I am doing it and I thank the leadership of Rahul Gandhi ji for giving me this courage,” the Chairman of the Planning Commission said.

The person whose picture is displayed along with Sonia Gandhi’s pictures in most of the government advertisements further insisted that Rahul Gandhi’s act didn’t undermine the sanctity or authority of the post of the Prime Minister of India.

“See, Rahul ji could have said that ‘shame that a bunch of idiots led by a nincompoop have come up with such piece of crap’, but he didn’t say anything like that,” he claimed.

“But one thing more,” Dr. Singh said as Faking News tried to end the interview, “The sanctity and authority of the post will increase manifold if Rahul Gandhi ji graces it.”

Friday faking release: The Godfather

Featuring Lalit Modi in guest role

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Milkman declares that he will dilute milk only with mineral water

New Delhi. In order to boost sales and to win public confidence, a milkman in Trilokpuri has declared that he will dilute milk only with mineral water from next week onwards.

“People don’t trust water supplied by Delhi Jal Board as it has impurities and germs. Milk diluted with such water may not be safe for drinking, that’s why I took this decision,” Raghu, the 43-year-old milkman explained why he went public with his announcement to sell diluted milk.

The optimist sees both the glasses full

It seems that Raghu’s strategy is working as local residents have welcomed his bold and honest step.

“We know that milkmen add water to milk, so it’s obvious that we will go with mineral rich diluted milk, which is being provided by Raghu,” Santosh Sandhu, a local resident of Trilokpuri told Faking News, “And he has not increased the price of the milk, so we are getting more value for money.”

“It is similar to the way we chose the least corrupt leader from a list of leaders with varying corruption levels,” Santosh added.

Sources confirm that Raghu has partnered with Bisleri for his new strategy. As a result, some are finding fault with his honesty and calling it a corporate gimmick.

“We were initially impressed with his honesty, but it seems that he is just another corporate agent selling water,” said a person identifying himself as an Aam Aadmi Party supporter.

However, Raghu rejects such criticisms.

“What is the problem of people if I earn a few bucks from Bisleri? At least I’m being honest in my dealings. These people deserve transparent milk and non-transparent milkmen!” he fumed.

India reacts to Indo-Pak talks

A survey done by Faking News reveals that many Indians believe that while war is no solution, talks with Pakistan doesn’t seem to be any solution either.

Mumbai named second most honest city while Sharad Pawar was not in the city

Mumbai. Readers’ Digest magazine conducted an experiment and found that Mumbai was the second most honest city in the world. Now it has come to light that Sharad Pawar, one of the well known residents of the city residing at Malabar Hill, was not in the city when this experiment was conducted.

This has led to people finding a relationship between the two events.

“Thank god he was not here, else we would have ended at the bottom of the list,” claimed Sanjay Raut, a Shiv Sena leader.

Raut then went on to attack Shah Rukh Khan, claiming that Mumbai would also fare better at pollution levels if the smoking Khan left the city, however, we requested him to stick to Sharad Pawar.

On the other hand, Sharad Pawar has claimed that Mumbai missed being on the top of the list because he was not in the city. His claim was backed by Congress ahead of the next general elections.

Sharad Pawar ruing the missed chance

“The average honesty would have shot up if I were in the city. I will try to be there when next experiment takes place and collect all the wallets,” Pawar told Faking News.

The experiment, which involved dropping 12 wallets containing 3000 bucks at various locations, saw an average Mumbaikar returning 9 out of those 12 wallets.

While the optimists hailed the spirit of Mumbai for this honesty, the pessimists had different ideas.

“Those 9 must have mistaken the wallets as some strategically placed bombs on roads and informed the police,” claimed one person with no Mumbai spirit.

“Or maybe they thought 3000 rupees were nothing as it couldn’t have helped them buy even some onions,” he added.

While the pessimist views were rejected by most commentators, some found merit in them.

“It’s clear that Inflation is giving rise to honesty. That’s why our government fares better on social indicators,” claimed an expert.

“The 3 who didn’t return the wallets must have been outsiders,” claimed MNS chief Raj Thackeray.

Meanwhile residents of Delhi are planning to protest outside the office of Readers’ Digest magazine for not including Delhi in the experiment.

“They should conduct the experiment when Parliament is not in process, and put at least 15000 rupees in the wallet,” demanded Robert, a Delhi resident.

Exclusive transcript of talk between Manmohan Singh and Nawaz Sharif

New York, USA. After failing to understand what exactly do India and Pakistan talk, Faking News decided to hack into the meeting between the Indian and Pakistani Prime Ministers on the sidelines of UN meet here.

We found that both the Prime Ministers met with much warmth. The Pakistani Prime Minister tried to hug his Indian counterpart, but it seems that the Indian PM stepped back realizing that it led to war last time a Pak PM hugged his Indian counterpart.

It was all words from there on:

Nawaz Sharif (NS): Hello Dr. Singh! Nice to see you here in the USA. Let’s talk.

Manmohan Singh (MMS): Theek hai.

NS: First of all I’m really sorry about the terror attack in Jammu & Kashmir. I just heard about it while talking to the ISI chief. This is a conspiracy to stop our talks.

MMS: I know. But you should condemn the terror attack. It’s easy. I have tweeted condemning it. You should retweet it. You can click the ‘retweet’ button or add +1 to it while manually retweeting.

NS: Oh wow! But I am not on Twitter.

MMS: Why?

NS: Social media keeps on getting banned in Pakistan. So no use being there.

MMS: Oh wow! We also get suggestions to ban social media. So there were no riots, rumors, terrorist attacks, etc. when social media was banned?

NS: mazaaak mat karo yaar! As if you don’t know that terror strikes are almost routine in Pakistan.

MMS: Why don’t you stop them?

NS: I have no control over these guys.

MMS: Oh wow! So I am not the only Prime Minister who enjoys no control!

NS: mazaak mat karo yaar!

MMS: arey nahi, mazaak nahi kar raha. We seem to be in similar situations.

NS: Yes dude. Heard you also faced a coup back home. The last Army Chief General VK Singh tried to stage a coup like that Mushy did to me?

MMS: I don’t know about these things.

NS: Huh? What kind of Prime Minister are you?

MMS: Eh? As if you know everything. Tell me where is Dawood Ibrahim?

NS: I am not custodian of Dawood Ibrahim.

MMS: What the hell! Don’t troll me please.

NS: Theek hai.

MMS: haha.. you also said theek hai! What kind of Prime Minister are you?

NS: Huh?

MMS: Never mind. So what exactly do we talk here? You are not in control, I’m not in control. Our economies are in doldrums, we are not playing cricket, and war is not an option.

NS: Narendra Modi?

MMS: Huh?

NS: Let’s jointly condemn Narendra Modi, and everything will be forgotten.

MMS: I will have to ask madam if that’s a good idea.

NS: mazaak kar raha tha yaar!

MMS: Whattay troll! You should be on Twitter.

NS: Thanks. So what next?

MMS: I can send you a Twitter registration link.

NS: arey, not that. What else to talk?

MMS: Not much. But talks should continue.

NS: Absolutely, we will not allow terror strikes to derail this process.

The Prime Ministers then shook hands and posed for media persons. They will soon release a joint statement condemning the attacks and welcoming further talks.

Experts believe that Indian Prime Minister performed better before he showed one more finger

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

ND Tiwari joins social media to connect with young girls

Tiwari ji with killer looks

Lucknow. Many politicians have joined social media to connect with the youth. The latest one to do so is veteran Congress leader ND Tiwari. However, Mr. Tiwari has clarified that his intention was to interact with young girls only.

“Boys, please excuse,” Tiwari ji said as he signed up on Twitter to get female followers.

Sources close to ND Tiwari say that the former Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh was not happy with the kind of social networking with women he was currently enjoying.

“The same old ones; some hopeful of getting party tickets while others expecting some other favors such as a meeting with Rahul Gandhi. No one really interested in me as a man with a young and loving heart,” the 87-year-old rued.

A couple of days back Tiwari ji started dancing with a relatively young female host at a function organized to honor martyrs, but the host touched his feet and excused herself.

“It was an embarrassment,” Tiwari ji shared his frustration with Faking News, “That’s why I want to connect with the younger generation that might not be stuck with such old rituals of touching feet. Why can’t they just hug, kiss, and say good bye?”

When asked if he was sure that social media was the right place to connect to new girls as many on Twitter and Facebook are still to get laid even after trying too hard, Tiwari ji said that we were underestimating his charm.

“You just keep an eye over my relationship status,” he said as he finished his Facebook registration.

Meanwhile a troll with Sunny Leone’s picture as profile pic was already following Tiwari ji on Twitter.

Man supporting The Lunchbox for Oscars hasn’t even seen it

Mumbai. A man waging an online battle tirelessly against the non-selection of recently released movie The Lunchbox as India’s official entry to Oscar was later found to have not seen the movie at all.

This not-so-shocking and quite expected revelation was unearthed when Faking News tried to get in touch with him over his views about the movie and why he felt it should have been selected instead of The Good Road.

The man thought that Irrfan is reading a doctor’s prescription in this scene

Initially he was reluctant to talk about the film and only wanted us to support him by signing the online petition created by him in support of the movie.

But when this reporter lied to him claiming that he had not seen the movie, the man became confident and spoke at length about the film.

“It is a brilliant portrayal of what essential nutrients should a lunchbox have and how a middle aged man played by Irrfan Khan starts to look old because of improper and unhealthy diet,” he said.

“Infrastructure is all right, but malnutrition is an issue that deserves a preferential treatment,” he further added why he thought The Good Road came second to The Lunchbox.

When asked which part of The Lunchbox he liked most, he said, “The point where renowned chef Sanjeev Kapoor appears as a guest role and tell Irrfan Khan that true love can only happen through a balanced diet.”

Unable to control his laughter, this reporter finally broke to him the story that he was lying and the movie had nothing to do with Sanjeev Kapoor, he got embarrassed and tried to escape. After the threat that his picture will be published on Faking News, he confessed that he gave in to the peer pressure of sounding intellectual on Twitter and other sites.

“Till sometime back nobody paid any attention to what I said. I had very few followers on Twitter and I lost them too by singing praises of Chennai Express, although some bots having Shahrukh Khan’s photo as profile picture did follow me. That’s when I realized that I need to sound intellectual even if I am not,” confessed the man who in reality has not even seen the trailer of The Lunchbox.

“Since last few days I had been hearing a lot about this movie and how intellectually stimulating it is, and that it got standing ovation where ever it was screened and how its non-selection has upset classes. I thought of watching it but had no money left after watching Phata Poster Nikla Hero. That’s why I faked it,” added the man.

Meanwhile Minister of Communication and Information Technology Kapil Sibal was extremely elated at this news and stormed in our office to express his happiness.

“I stand vindicated. People on Facebook and Twitter express their opinions without knowing the facts. They make jokes on Rahul Gandhi while Rahul Gandhi ji is a wise man. Rahul ji watched The Lunchbox and liked the 3D effects in the movie,” the minister claimed.