Faking News - leading news satire website of India: September 2015

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Facebook to hire people to physically poke users who remain inactive for more than 30 minutes

California: Concerned about rising level of user inactivity, social media giant Facebook is planning to hire people to physically poke FB users who remain inactive for more than 30 minutes.

Mark Zuckerberg poking his employees if they remain inactive on Facebook for 30 mins

Mark Zuckerberg making sure that his own employees are active on Facebook for 30 mins

Speaking to Faking News a senior developer at Facebook said, “We have been tracking user activity on Facebook for quite some time and we have observed that an increasing level of inactivity on our site. We thought that introducing ‘Dislike’ button will create some buzz but it seems most users are done with Disliking whatever they could lay their hands on. For lack of better ideas to pique our user’s interest, we thought of introducing ‘Facebook Pokers’, who will physically go and poke users when they find someone inactive for more than 30 minutes.”

IT city of Bangalore was the testing ground for Facebook’s experiment. There were reports of users being poked and asked to get back on Facebook.

Ranjith Nair, techie working for a major IT company, was one such user. He said, “I remember getting back from a boring weekly team meeting and as I was about to start working, this guy poked me real hard and said ‘hey there, you haven’t been active on Facebook for 30 mins. Get on to Facebook right now’. I couldn’t even resist as he refused to go till I signed in to FB.”

Many others in Bangalore had similar stories to tell. “The other day I thought of having my afternoon nap when the doorbell rang and a person who claimed to work for Facebook asked me to get on to FB asap,” said Malathi Iyer, a housewife.

Increasing numbers of FB users in Bangalore are clearly not happy with such intrusion of their privacy and have decided to deactivate their FB accounts.

However, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is very optimistic about his ‘pokers’ with some calling the ‘Get Back on Facebook’ his pet project.

“He (Mark) has been leading from the front. In fact, Mark has been going around Facebook headquarters and poking our employees who are inactive on Facebook. Just yesterday he slapped another employee in the elevator when he came to know that the employee was inactive on Facebook for two days. I shouldn’t be saying this but even his wife Priscilla is not exempt from his pokes,” said Sheryl Sandberg,COO of Facebook, as she checked her watch to find out how long she was inactive on FB and also checking if Mark Zuckerberg was in vicinity.

Inspired by this article on MyFakingNews

Google to add ‘Potholes’ feature in Google Maps

Bengaluru: Google has announced to add ‘Potholes’ feature in the ‘Maps’ app just like ‘Traffic’ and ‘Public Transit’. Google spoke person informed ‘Faking News’ that this new feature will be available in next release.

The latest feature of Google Maps will help you avoid potholes like these

Initially this feature will be available only in Bengaluru city and further it will extend to other cities. Google also said that, it will use advance GPS, GIS technology, Weather information to locate and predict potholes on road.

Google is in talk with government departments (like PWD,BDA, BBMP) to fetch data like ‘What type of material used’, ‘Last pothole fixed’ and so on. This would help in predicting if citizens can expect more potholes en route.

Just like colors in ‘Traffic’ feature, same will added in ‘Potholes’

The colors indicate the ‘Number of Potholes’ on the road.

Green means there are no potholes
Orange means there are medium number of potholes
Red means ‘Road on potholes’. The more red, the more number of potholes

In Turn-by-Turn Navigation it would show ‘5 min slower due to more potholes’.

Hearing this motorist Chetan Murthy from Bengaluru is very happy. Speaking to Faking News he said, “When I checked Google maps, all I could see were red dots on the road which I was supposed to take. I wasted around an hour just figuring out an alternate route. But thanks to this new feature, finally I can know which road to take, which will also help in minimizing maintenance cost of my bike.”

Sachin Wagale from Mumbai said to FN that he will be waiting for this feature to be supported for Mumbai city. He also added that Google should add 3D model view to show the depth of the potholes.

“In rainy season these potholes are filled with water, it becomes difficult to identify if there is any road left in between the water filled potholes,” he said.

Man drives to neighbor’s house to show-off his BMW

New Delhi: In an incident that has inspired 93.24% of the Indian middle class, Shampy Singh, a 28 year old businessman drove to his neighbor, Golu Dhawan’s house for a party, in his brand new BMW. Up until the time of filing of this report, news of similar incidents had poured in from 161 places in Delhi itself.

Shampy Singh’s new BMW

Faking News sent its team to Shampy’s house to take a stock of the situation.

A dapper looking Shampy dressed in golden shirt with top two buttons open said, “I bought the BMW a week ago. After posting hundreds of pictures of the BMW logo on my Facebook page, loudly and repeatedly banging the key of the car in front of people I met, deliberately complaining about parking problems by saying ‘meri BMW park karne ki jagah nahi mili’, I still felt that my status in our neighborhood hadn’t increased by much. So I decided to go to Golu bhaisaab’s house in my BMW.”

I wheeled it out of our house and parked it in front of his. The whole ‘journey’ took me good ten minutes as the parking space in front of his house is quite narrow and I wanted to park at an angle where people could see the BMW logo and my name above it quite clearly,” he added.

Faking News caught up with Tanuj Khosla, its in-house expert on such issues. “I don’t know why such a big deal is being made out of a routine event in Indian middle class circles,” said Tanuj dipping his chocolate bar in daal makhani.

“Recently I myself drove to our neighbor’s house in my new but fourth-hand Audi. However it’s a pity that none of them saw me coming or going in it as unlike Shampy we stay in apartments and my neighbors didn’t come to the parking lot to receive me. What is the point of buying an expensive car if you can’t show it off to people? My own cousin Guchu has pasted a Mercedes logo on his Toyota Camry and believe me no one has found him our till date. All this is not a big deal,” he said.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

News anchors submit their list of exotic locations to PMO for future travel

New Delhi: Modi’s return back to India also brought back many from the media fraternity, who were part of the entourage. But it seems some are yet to get over the hangover of the US visit.

Narendra Modi's frequent foreign tours is a hit with Indian media.

Narendra Modi’s frequent foreign tours are a hit with Indian media.

Apparently, a section of media comprising eminent journalists and news anchors have asked PMO to allow them to ‘choose locations’ for future foreign visits.

Speaking to Faking News, a senior news anchor and journalist said, “Yes it’s true that we have submitted a list of locations for PM’s foreign visit to PMO. I mean it’s the same old locations every time; we need to see new exotic ones. One of the perks of being a journalist is the travel opportunities that come along by being part of PM’s entourage.”

“Our job doesn’t give us the luxury to go on vacations with our family, so this is our only recourse. Switzerland, Italy and Brazil are on top of my bucket list,” said another news reporter, while showing us selfies taken on the US tour.

“We all had a very good time in US. In fact it was like a big reunion for media fraternity. An exotic location would be icing on the cake,” he added.

PMO officials say that they have received a list and were seriously considering the request from media persons.

In neighboring Pakistan, media persons were unhappy with their own PM for not giving them any opportunity for foreign travel. “Kaise namakul wazir-e-azam hai hamare. It’s been 5 years I have been covering news 24/7. My begum keeps asking me if we can go on a vacation. How do I respond to her?” said a GeoNews journalist.

Meanwhile, one news anchor thought it was absurd for representatives from media to have put forward a list of ‘places to visit’, and chose to debate it on prime time. “I mean what is going on with these people. What will happen to ‘unbiased’ news reporting? How can they go on vacation while I sit here and manufacture hashtags,” he screamed as he asked viewers to tweet using #RoamingReporter.

Nawaz Shareef to visit ISIS territories to counter Modi’s Silicon Valley tour

Islamabad. While Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi is enjoying a rock star like treatment and adulation in Silicon Valley, Pakistan has yet again planned a smart move to show India its place like all previous wars between the two sides.

Soon after returning from US, Pakistani PM Mr. Nawaz Shareef will be travelling to ISIS Territories in Syria connecting with Pakistan Diaspora in those parts. Speaking exclusively to Faking News, the Pakistani National Security Adviser Mr. Sartar Aziz has confirmed the plans.

“Kaise ho mere Jihadi mitron?”

Mr. Aziz also added that this is a wonderful opportunity for the Pakistani PM to connect with most famous exports from Pakistan – Jihadis. Pakistan is really proud that their homegrown industry which started as captive unit to support war Against India has really come on its own has taken over the world. Most of the top terrorists across the globe are Pakistanis and so many terrorist organizations now have a Pakistani origin.

However sources close to Mr. Shareef accept that he is really worried about falling quality of Jihadi’s especially the ones looking for onsite opportunities in India. While India talks about Brain Drain which PM Modi says is Brain Deposit, Mr. Shareef wants to ensure Blood Drain and has thus called on the Jihadi Diaspora for Blood Deposit.

To improve this situation, Mr. Shareef has also launched a Jihad Pakistan and Blast Pakistan campaign to counter Skill India & Digital India. He has also launched Blast in Pakistan campaign to encourage the Jihadi Diaspora and for skill development of upcoming Jihadis. He has also promised safe havens by citing example of Dawood Ibrahim who has never been in Pakistan. They can always argue that killing of Osama is off course US conspiracy of planting his body in Pakistan after killing him.

Sources say that on auspicious occasion of Mr. Shareef’s visits, ISIS has announced beheading of 1000 captured male slaves and 500 female slaves to honor visiting delegation.

Dawood thinking about relocating to Delhi after Delhi Police fails to catch Somnath Bharti for 1 week

New Delhi: Somnath Bharti, the ‘Night Raider’ and Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) MLA is playing hide and seek with law enforcement authorities for last one week. He has successfully managed to ditch Delhi police.

Dawood Ibrahim contemplating settling in Delhi after Somnath Bharti incident

Delhi police has explained its inability to nab Somnath Bharti by stating that Somnath Bharti is behaving like a hardened criminal and is constantly changing his sim cards.

The whole turn of events has inspired India’s most wanted Dawood Ibrahim to relocate to Delhi. As per leading media channel’s intelligence wing, a recent conversation caught by them revealed Dawood’s desire to come back to India.

In the conversation, Dawood can be heard saying, “If an Aam Aadmi such as Somnath Bharti can fool Indian Police for so many days, why the hell am I hiding in Pakistan? I can hide easily in Delhi and fool the police for years. I am taking a big risk by staying in Pakistan where anyone can be killed anytime and no one knows who is in power? Why not live in a safe country such as India? I can even enjoy IPL there and watch Indian movies in original print too.”

After this 2 minute conversation was played for 20 hours by news channel, strong reactions were received from everywhere.

Home minister has dared Dawood to better not enter India because as per him he will be brought back to India only by Indian authorities and if he tries to come by himself, it is not acceptable.

Pakistan as usual has denied Dawood presence in Pakistan and said that Dawood is already in Delhi.

Bringing back the focus on himself, Arvind Kejriwal spoke to our reporter. “All this is happening because Delhi Police is not under my government’s control. You give me Delhi police and I will give you Somnath Bharti as well as Don,” he said while clarifying that Don meant Somnath Bharti’s pet dog and not Dawood.

Due to Swachh Bharat Abhiyan, Delhi is filled with clean water which is causing dengue: AAP

New Delhi. For the exponential rise of dengue cases in Delhi, AAP blames the Swachh Bharat Abhiyan which PM launched last year. Recently AAP constituted an internal committee under Mr. Ashutosh to find out the reason behind the outbreak of dengue in the capital.

After missing few deadlines it had internally set for itself, Ashutosh submitted the preliminary report to chief minister Arvind Kejriwal when he was the watching “Calendar Girls” along with the cast and crew of the movie at his residence.

Though the report is not yet available in public domain, Mr. Ashutosh was kind enough to speak to us on the condition of anonymity because it is the first time he got a chance to head a party committee. We started by asking what is the reason behind the delay, as his predecessor Yogendra Yadav used to be ready with reports within a day or two. Mr. Ashutosh said, “This is not a report for electoral win or loss. We cannot be casual while preparing this report as dengue can potentially take away so many lives. We looked at all the aspects before making our conclusion.”

Ashutosh called us Modi agent when we suggested if his tears were cause of so much water around.

“According to us, the major reason is the abundant quantity of clean water in Delhi which as all of us know helps in the breeding of dengue mosquitos. Last year when PM launched Swachh Bharat Abhiyan, we could not protest properly because of our internal party issues. Now the bigger question is, why this was launched without understanding the side effects it can cause.”

Mr. Ashutosh added further, “We have done research to find dengue mosquitos bites proportionately higher number of AAP supporters. After we came to power, there is not much scope for strikes and protests, so most of our supporters take rest during day time when the dengue mosquitos are most active. We also stay in smaller houses. It is easy for the mosquito to travel from one room to other. One mosquito can potentially bite a full family within an hour”.

“Look at the central ministers, they stay in big bungalows surrounded by so many people all the time. Difficult for a mosquito to travel to all the rooms, even if it reach some room it will get confused with whom to bite as so many people will be present. Unlike them, we do not have so many supporters right now to hang around us”.

Mr. Ashutosh told us about the few recommendations he is going to submit in his final report to Akela Aadmi Party head Mr. Kejriwal. “We have told our supporters to remain active at least during the day time. If needed, we will launch few protests and strikes to keep them occupied. No need for us to follow Swachh Bharat Campaign to keep the water bodies in around us clean. We will soon find a way to make the water bodies unfriendly for dengue mosquitos”

Monday, September 28, 2015

What happened when Somnath Bharti asked his dog ‘Don’ to bite wife Lipika

Bharti and wife Lipika, sitting at home ignoring each other as married couples do when they cannot stand each other. The dog, Don, lies on the rug more concerned about his weak heart.

The couple ignite a fight and it roars into a marital inferno.

He: Don, go bite her.

Don pricks up his ears, then goes back to snoozing.

He: Don, go, bite, go,go ,go.

Don in action

Don looks at his master quizzically as if to say, hey dude, that’s your wife, we live together, she feeds me, too, what’s with you?

He: I am your master, when I say bite you bite.

Don, now a bit teed off, changes expression to ‘look, you want a biting dog, go get one, I am a lab, labs don’t bite, mate, we are pacifists, we pick up ducks and pheasants and retrieve them after they are shot dead, what’s this bite stuff?

She: So you want Don to bite me, huh, even turning the dog against me, come on Don, bite me?

Don looks up, the expression now one of ‘is this house crazy or what, something in the food, I think, are they high?”

She: Ha, your dog is like you, no guts, you are both cowards.

Don thinks; yo, lady, this is your fight, don’t you be giving me a bad time.

She: I am going to call the cops.

He: Go, do it, I am not some common man on the street, I am an Aam Aadmi leader, ha.

Don: Sheesh, no one deserves this and you wonder why I have a bad heart?!

(About author: Bikram Vohra is a senior journalist. He lives in Dubai and loves to keep in touch with his home, Delhi. And unlike Somnath Bharti’s dog, Don, who doesn’t bite at all, Bikram has many bones to pick. Mostly funny.)

Kejriwal declares Calendar Girl tax-free after reviewing it, says no entertainment in the movie so no entertainment tax

Jantar Mantar, Delhi. After a series of positive and encouraging reviews of various Bollywood Movies, this time Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal has come hard on Calendar Girls (request readers not assume any double meanings here). While Mr Kejriwal typically watches a film four times (all 4 shows for a comprehensive view) before presenting his views, a couple of trivial issues like Dengue, Crime, Inflation etc have kept him slightly busy and he could watch Calendar Girls only twice. Surprisingly he asked for private screening in his office cabin with both views coming back to back between 10 pm to 3 am in the night.

When contacted for his comments on the movie, Mr. Kejriwal, in a rather harsh tone said, “Now what kind of a movie Calendar Girls? I think Madhur Bhandarkar ji has added to the misery of the such girls by casting them in a movie like this!” When asked about how many stars he would give to the movie Mr Kejriwal said, “I am so crossed with the film that forget any star rating I’ll give it three crosses, ie: XXX rating.”

Kejriwal was in good mood before movie began

Giving the issue a political angle, the Delhi CM said, “Sab BJP ki chaal hai ji, desh ke yuva aur straight ladkon ko gumrah karne ki. Delhi University ke ladke raat bhar Calendar Girls dekhte rahe aur wahan DU elections main vote karne gayi sirf ladkiyan.” He further added, “Don’t forget we have Somnath in our camp, therefore our chances of getting girls’ votes were as good as Ashutosh, I mean Zero.”

When confronted that Calendar Girls got released many days after the Delhi University elections, Mr Kejriwal promptly said, “But anticipation always exists jii. In my experience, once you search the words ‘Calendar Girls’ on Google at night, you’ll end up sleeping only in the morning only.”

To validate Mr Kejriwal’s claims, our correspondent went to the Delhi University and spoke to a group of students who admitted that they were not able to wake up in the morning to vote and when asked why did they behave so irresponsibly they replied, “Woh Calendar Girls dikhaate rahe, hum apna kaam karte rahe…”

When probed about how does the Delhi Government plan to curb such Bollywood blunders in the future, Mr Kejriwal said, “Dekhiye humari sarkar ne kaafi research kari hai aur is film ko bareeki se samajhne ke liye Kumar Vishwas ji ne khud Calendar Girl ka jeevan bitaya hai ek hafte ke liye. Party ki core committee ka faisla yeh hai ke Calendar Girls ko tax free banaya jaaye.”

On being questioned on this rather contradictory statement since usually the movies which are of national interest are made tax free so that more and more people can afford to watch them, Mr Kejriwal said, “Entertainment Tax to hatana hi padega ji, Jab Entertainment hi nahin hai film main to entertainment tax kaisa ?” Adding further to this, he said, “Does the government impose Income Tax on people who do not have any income?” Also explaining how AAP has always gone out of the way to help the public, Kejriwal remarked, “Our leaders Ashutosh, Kumar Vishwas etc etc are providing whole-hearted entertainment on social media, but do we levy any taxes?. NO!”

Meanwhile according to internal sources, AAP has also started its own production house with its first release set to hit the theaters soon. There are several rumors around the movie’s name but our most trusted sources have confirmed it to be “Bhaag Somnath Bhaag“. In Somnath Bharti’s absence, Kejriwal may leverage his prior experience in running away from Delhi to complete the movie.

Snippets from Narendra Modi’s Facebook wall while attending Silicon Valley events

California. While meeting tech giants in USA, PM Narendra Modi kept updating his Facebook feed to keep followers aware. Following are few of those posts.

Modi displaying his ‘Aamir Khan side’ to everyone

Modi decided to troll few people back home in between.

The complaints from the PM did not stop

Kejriwal finally forced Modi to respond

Meanwhile Rahul Gandhi too updated his status and whereabouts

South African team plays mind games ahead of tour, compares Ishant Sharma’s hair to a sheep

Mumbai: After he managed to somehow deal with his anger management issue, Indian pacer Ishant Sharma’s latest headache is to deal with hair management issue.

South African team mocking Ishant Sharma’s hair style

Ahead of the crucial South Africa tour, Ishant Sharma is the subject of mind games played by the visiting country. Apparently, the South African team has taken cognizance of Ishant’s exploits in Sri Lanka and the team is not taking the Indian pacer lightly.

“The Indian team has a home ground advantage and Ishant Sharma can literally spoil our party. Mind game is our only hope and Ishant is our target,” said a South African player on condition of anonymity.”

Some South African players were seen tweeting pictures of the Indian bowler juxtaposed with a sheep that resembled the pacer, while others were seen calling him ‘Hairy Potter’ and posting Ishant Sharma memes on social media.

As per sources from the Indian dressing room, Ishant Sharma was livid after seeing the pictures. “He is very possessive about his hair. He spends around half his match fees on hair products. Team Director Ravi Shastri asked Ishant to get a haircut on number of occasions, but he just wouldn’t listen. I am not surprised that he lost his cool after seeing the pics,” said a source from BCCI.

Meanwhile critics of the pacer were of the opinion that Ishant would be better off cutting his hair than let it be an eyesore once again.

Surprisingly, Ishant’s family too is supporting the idea of a haircut. “We are concerned not just for his cricketing career but also for his marriage prospects,” said Ishant’s father with a worried look on his face.

BCCI however, is completely supporting Ishant Sharma on this issue and also has plans to respond to the South Africans.

“We have ordered hair pieces that look like Ishant Sharma’s hair and all our players including BCCI staff are planning to wear them when they play their first match against the South Africans on 2^nd October,” said newly elected BCCI President Shashank Manohar.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

5-year old twins separated in Kumbh Mela reunite after 25 seconds using Whatsapp and Google maps

Mahakumbh: Ram Barjatiya and Shyam Barjatiya, two 5 year old kids who happened to be twin brothers got separated from each other at 10:25:15 AM in the Kumbh Mela, but re-united with each other after just 25 seconds at 10:25:40 AM.

No more lost and found at Kumbh Mela thanks to technology.

According to an eyewitness, the kids were able to use their smartphones especially Whatsapp and Google maps to coordinate with each other and re-unite easily within matter of seconds.

Ram and Shyam’s father Dr Suraj Barjatiya spoke to media in detail about this incident and praised his kids. He said, “Kids these days know technology more than we ever did. I was actually separated from my twin brother Dr. Dheeraj Barjatiya in Kumbh mela and we re-united after 25 years. My father Shri Nand Kishore Barjatiya got separated from his twin brother Shri Raj Kishore Barjatiya in Kumbh mela and they re-united after 25 years too.”

“25 years is pretty much the standard set by Bollywood for unification of brothers/sisters separated at Kumbh mela. But these kids are different. They got separated and re-united in just 25 seconds. They used, WhatsApp, Google maps, FB status updates, tweeted multiple times and somehow found each other within seconds. This is pretty remarkable and record breaking,” he added.

While re-unification of these kids is a relief for their parents, veteran Bollywood gossip-reporter Mrs. Sajida Sanjeedgi presents quite a different take on the whole incident.

She said, “It is sad to see such mis-use of technology which is preventing heart-wrenching stories from being created. Our ancient rustic souls, untouched by gadgets, actually served as good story characters for Bollywood story-writers but what would our writers write about now? The story would end in just 25 seconds.”

“This precisely is the reason you don’t see any stories in Bollywood these days. There are just movies, no stories. Stupid technology has taken it all away. I wish those old days were back,” said Mrs. Sajida, wiping tears from her eyes.

Although Bollywood gossip reporters are calling rise of technology a disturbing trend, seasoned Bollywood story-writer Lalit Lajwani dismisses any such concerns.

He said, “A good writer always finds a twist in the story and can convert 25 seconds into a 4 hour long emotional saga. What if after the twins separated, the internet signals in the area were weak and poor twins weren’t able to meet each other after-all. One twin goes onto become a dangerous evil hacker who hacks the likes of Pentagon and Google in under 5 seconds and the other twin becomes cyber-crime expert who chases lethal hackers and fights from the positive side.”

“Both meet each other after span of 25 years, exchange identities and try to beat each other at the hacking game. Aap twin ke peeche, twin aapke peeche, whatte fun, and then in the climax scene the cyber crime expert brother dies in the arms of the evil hacker brother, and the evil hacker vows to now turn good and serve mankind. Movie ends on high note. Put SRK in there and you have a 200 crore film right there,” Lajwani quipped.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Sunday Magazine 27th September 2015: Featuring Rahul Gandhi

The Congress party is tight lipped about the whereabouts of Rahul Gandhi. Some say he is out of the country to attend an event that is already over. FN investigates and makes an attempt to answer the question that the nation wants to know: Where is Rahul Gandhi? Also, we’ll find out if Shashank Manohar can revive BCCI and our report on Sanjay Dutt’s latest parole demand. All this and more in our latest issue of the Sunday Magazine.

Sunday Magazine 27th September 2015

Police lob tear gas shells in Gujarat to disperse crowd, Aamir Khan starts crying in Mumbai

Mumbai: Bollywood actor Aamir Khan today unexpectedly started crying after tear gas shells were used by Gujarat Police to disperse crowd.

Aamir Khan finding it difficult to control his tears after tear gas shells were lobbed in Gujarat

Speaking to Faking News Aamir said, “I had no clue why tears were rolling down my cheeks. I mean on previous occasions I had a reason to cry. But today I couldn’t explain why my eyes were filled with tears. I wasn’t even feeling emotional. Then someone told me that it could probably be because police in Gujarat lobbed tear gas shells. The gas must have traveled from Gujarat to Mumbai,” he said trying hard to hold back his tears.

Wife Kiran Rao was seen frantically calling up their family doctor just in case Aamir needed medical help.

Domestic help of Aamir Khan spoke to our reporter and said, “Aamir saab was crying since morning and no one knew why. We take great care to ensure that he doesn’t cry. In fact onions are banned in the house, as a precautionary measure.”

Friends of the actor called up to find out as to what led to the tears. “I have seen him cry on many occasions but this time it was different as no one could understand the cause till we saw it on news. The poor guy is so sensitive that even visuals on TV triggered his tears,” said a bollywood celeb and close friend of the actor.

Meanwhile, cops in Gujarat have apologized to Aamir Khan for the inconvenience cause due to the tear gas.

“We were not aware that Mr. Khan was so sensitive. Our intention was not to cause inconvenience to him, all we wanted to do was control the crowd. But we have taken cognizance of Aamir Khans tear problems and will be more careful in future. Probably we will give him intimation next time before lobbing tear gas shells, so that he can take necessary precaution,” said Gujarat Police Chief.

USA state department releases new calendar for 2016, marks last Sunday of Sept as Indian PM’s onsite ‘mann ki baat’ day

Washington: Modiji has done it again. Last year UN adopted June 21^st as world yoga day and now USA state department has recognized his importance and marked a day to honor his oratory skills which whole world has now started acknowledging. From next year onwards, last Sunday of September will be known as world onsite ‘mann ki baat’ day.

PM Modi getting ready for his first Mann ki Baat in US

The significance of the day will be, the head of a country can travel to a foreign location of his interest to address the people located there.

As per our sources, on this day, Modiji prefers to be in USA which is considered as the ultimate onsite job location for our techies.

As per the organizers of the event, unlike offshore ‘mann ki baat’ which is a monthly affair, onsite one will be yearly affair purely because of the logistics it demands. The venue will not be fixed, it will be rotated as this will give fair chance to people who are interested to see him live in action.

For next ten years the organizers have already shortlisted quite a few prestigious squares, corners and halls for this purpose.

USA state department has also pitched in to help. There will be no NBA matches for that matter no major sporting action, no live concert in the city which will host Modi’s address.

As this event will have bigger crowds than what they normally see during US presidential campaign, the department will arrange special public transport to help people reach venue on time and also to get back home without any hassle.

Tenders will be issued to select best of golgappa, vada pav, bhajji vendors from India who will be allowed to put their stalls. This will help in attracting even bigger crowds to the venue who would like to have taste of India.

We met senior Pravasi Bharatiya Mr. Velu who is staying in US for last thirty years. When we asked what makes Modiji so popular in spite of his so many foreign trips, he said, “Modiji is a real charmer. If you closely observe, you will find unlike our cricket team who are poor while travelling overseas, Modiji’s demeanour and public address ability remains pitch perfect even on foreign land. He has travelled to so many places belonging to different continents, everywhere he has been consistent. It will be hard for anyone to find even a single flaw in the speeches he has given.”

“This is all because the hard work he has put in to understand the pulse of the people who will be attending his public address. You will never find his speeches boring. It might be little long, but it will have something for everyone in attendance,” Mr. Velu concluded

Friday, September 25, 2015

Modi and Sharif can’t see eye to eye, but they may wave at each other which we can’t control: New York hotel staff

New York. From the time it was announced that both the premiers will check-in to the same hotel during their stay in the city, the hotel management has cancelled all the pending leaves of their staff and have asked them to leave no stone un-turned to ensure Modi and Sharif don’t get a chance to greet each other.

After ministry of external affairs of both the countries instructed the hotel management to strictly follow this protocol, this has become a prestige issue for the reputed hotel. We spoke to the manager of the hotel who is supervising all the arrangements personally.

Modi showing Nawaz where his country is headed.

Manager said, “We will not be complacent. I can assure you, we will not take anything for granted. We all saw what happened when NSA chiefs of both the countries were supposed to meet last month and the meeting got cancelled in the last minute. Something similar can happen here too. Though both the countries are saying there is no way their premiers will greet each other during their stay, who knows they might change their mind and do the reverse.”

Giving us more insights in to the arrangement the manager added, “Entry, exit points, the location of the rooms, the dining area, lifts, everything has been taken care of so that Premiers cannot see eye to eye at least when they are inside our hotel premises. Only risk is the open parking area in front of hotel lobby; from a distance they might be able to see each other. They might wave at each other too, which we cannot stop.”

Commenting on this historic occasion, noted historian Ram Buha said, “This is a great moment for both the countries as both prime ministers will stay in the same hotel and my probable guess is both would not like to lose this opportunity, they will definitely greet each. From how much distance, difficult to say at this point of time.”

Meanwhile instead of speculating whether both premiers would hold any talks, Indian media is doing heated and long debates to speculate if they would wave at each other or not.

“The duration of their wave could determine the direction in which future relations of both the nations is headed,” claimed an expert, “For their countries’ sake, I hope one of them winks too.”