Faking News - leading news satire website of India: March 2014

Monday, March 31, 2014

Nandan Nilekani promises scheme like NREGA for unemployed engineers of Bangalore

Bangalore. In order to attract unemployed engineers of the city, Congress candidate from Bangalore South, Nandan Nilekani has promised a scheme similar to MGNREGA.

“Rajiv Gandhi National Technology Employment Guarantee Act (RGNTEGA) will ensure at least 100 days of guaranteed wage employment in a financial year to all the unemployed software engineers of Bangalore,” said Nilekani while announcing his second most ambitious project after Aadhaar Card.

“I know them, now they are going to vote for me.”

“It’s not a new thing for me, as even when I was in Infosys, we used to do bulk hiring from engineering colleges. It was the same work, but in corporate style,” Nilekani added further, highlighting his past work experience of handling such projects.

When asked about possible danger of RGNTEGA meeting the same fate as that of Aadhaar Card scheme, Nilekani rejected the apprehension and said that the presence of ‘Rajiv Gandhi’ in project name is sufficient enough for its success.

As per sources close to Nilekani, most of the engineers getting employment through RGNTEGA would be working on a dream web project of Rahul Gandhi.

“Rahul wants to empower Indians by creating a website with combined features of Facebook, Google, Twitter, Flipkart, MakeMyTrip, IRCTC, YouTube, Wikipedia and LinkedIn,” a Congress insider revealed to Faking News.

“When it comes to being a visionary, his imagination knows no boundaries,” the insider explained.

Considering huge population of jobless engineers in Bangalore, Nilekani’s move is being seen as a masterstroke.

Even the punchline of the scheme, ‘Har ungli shakti, har ungli tarakki‘, which reportedly was coined by Congress VP Rahul Gandhi, is quite apt and going viral among the jobless IT crowd.

Although many of the jobless engineers are happy with the news, they are also expecting ‘bench’ culture during their employment period under RGNTEGA.

“Job and all are fine, but for a proper work life balance, a minimum 20 days of bench warming would be good enough,” said a 2010 engineering pass out. With elections round the corner, it’s highly probable that Nilekani would agree to engineers’ demand.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Engineer gets onsite opportunity in Bangladesh, avoids updating the news on Facebook

Bangalore. Mukesh (name changed to maintain his privacy), a software engineer working for an MNC got his first onsite opportunity, but unfortunately in Bangladesh.

Not too excited to get an opportunity in a country with local currency is even cheaper than Indian rupee, Mukesh avoided updating any related news on his Facebook profile. In fact, he completed the entire duration of two months stay in Bangladesh without letting anyone know.

Mukesh trying to hide his identity while flying to Bangladesh.

“It was a top secret operation. Nobody besides my family members and close friends knew about it. As you see, there was nothing to boast about,” said Mukesh while talking exclusively to Faking News.

Mukesh had never imagined that his virginity of foreign trip would be broken by a trip to Bangladesh.

“For official projects, people go to USA, Europe, Australia. Who goes to Bangladesh? Had it even been some African country, that would have been acceptable, as it sounds adventurous. But Bangladesh, it’s a big turn off when you talk about it as abroad,” Mukesh explained the logic behind his conduct

“It’s just like any other Indian state. We have so many Bangladeshis even in India,” he added.

But not only embarrassment, Mukesh claims he suffered some “losses” too.

“Just to maintain the privacy of my trip, I missed four opportunities to do Facebook check-in at airports; two while going to Dhaka and two while returning. My heart bled every time. Overall, the damage’s worth was at least 150 likes and 60 comments,” rued Mukesh.

Sources say that Mukesh even spent a good amount of money on one of his close friends who threatened to leak the news on Facebook.

Reportedly, there was a huge family pressure on Mukesh to get an onsite opportunity, and probably that was the main reason why he accepted the offer.

“Once, I heard papa motivating bhaiya by saying, ‘Sharma ji ka ladka chala gaya, Verma ji ka ladka bhi chala gaya, tera khoon kab khaulega?’. Bhaiya was looking very tense and frustrated,” disclosed younger brother of Mukesh.

“But we never expected him to go to Bangladesh. Embarrassed papa didn’t even tell this to our neighbors, he was quite upset,” the younger brother added.

Meanwhile, adding more to Mukesh’s woes, none of his colleagues are showing interest in chocolates that he brought from Bangladesh.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Modi opts out of PM race, BJP puts up an ex-software engineer as new candidate

New Delhi. In a shocking move, BJP’s PM candidate Narendra Modi has decided to opt out from the race of country’s top job. Sources say that he peaked too early and felt symptoms of fatigue, ending in voluntary withdrawal from the race.

Totally confused about what to do and not willing to go back to LK Adavni, BJP announced that Coder Singh, a 33-year-old person with no political experience, was their new PM candidate. Coder Singh is an ex-software engineer with 5 years of development experience in .NET, a Microsoft developed framework.

Communal Code

But despite his blank political background, he is being called a communal, controversial, divisive and a threat to the “idea of India” by the same people who earlier claimed that they were opposed to Modi only, and not BJP per se.

“Hinduism, I mean, Hindu nationalism is a threat to this country and Coder’s mind must be decoded. I think he is dangerous to our pluralistic society,” Panchsheel Tripathi, a London based liberal tweeted within two minutes of BJP announcing its new candidate.

Not only alleged intellectuals, but political opponents too announced that they will not let Coder get success in capturing Delhi.

Soon after the announcement, UPA cabinet passed an ordinance to bring software codes written in private companies under RTI. Reportedly, they did so to dig into Coder’s past work. They hired some top class software engineers, not under eNREGA scheme that is used to hire low class trolls only, to scrutinize the codes written by Coder.

Apparently the hired software engineers could find some bug, while led Congress chief Sonia Gandhi to launch a scathing attack on Coder Singh. She immediately called him “Bug ka Saudagar” and her fellow party members made serious allegations about his past.

“We found ‘Jai Shri Ram’ in one of the comments that he added in his code block while working for a software company in 2012. This is the new face of Internet Hindus and right wing ideology,” claimed Digvijay Singh showing a snipped to the code as proof.

However, Coder Singh himself is very proud of his coding past. He even showed a bug-free application that he developed while working with one of the companies.

“It has been given clean chit by testers of that company, it’s totally bug free and many have praised my codes for being as beautiful as poetry,” the new PM candidate of BJP told Faking News.

However claims of being bug free was rejected by AAP supremo Arvind Kejriwal, who raised question marks over the quality of application developed by Coder Singh.

“Who are these testers, sab mile huye hain ji. I have tested it rigorously for 2 days, it’s flawed and buggy,” claimed Arvind Kejriwal at a press conference.

On being asked about specific details of the bugs, he warned media to not doubt his testing skills. “Although I have no development experience, but I am a born tester,” he said.

Kejriwal even slammed Coder Singh for working on Microsoft Technologies.

“Why he didn’t use open source frameworks? Why he preferred C# over PHP? He is hand in gloves with tech goon Microsoft. If he comes to power, he is going to promote Bill Gates agenda and all open source coders will die without job,” Kejriwal claimed.

Latest reports suggest that BJP is planning to drop Coder Singh as PM candidate and look for a candidate that will be accepted by people who would anyway never vote for the party.

Left-handed community gets offended by Congress’ spate of ‘Right to’ bills

New Delhi. In a blow to Rahul Gandhi’s dreams of an India full of rights, the left-handed community has come out strongly against the recent spate of ‘Right to xyz’ bills proposed by the Congress.

“Congress claims to work for minorities, but why is it ignoring the handedness minority?” asked an angry Vaman, President of All India Left-handers’ Association, who works with the MNC Bayer.

When explained that the names of the bills have possibly misled him, he retorted, “Oh yeah?Next you will tell me that the name ‘Indian Premier League’ is misleading and it is held in UAE… Oh wait…”

One of the protesters

“But there is no confusion,” he quickly added, “If there could be a ‘Right to Entrepreneurship’ in the party manifesto, why not ‘Right to Left handed writing’ too? I mean, both of these make equal sense.”

“Or the best would be if they change their symbol from right hand to left hand,” he demanded.

But lefties are not the only one to object to the move; the moment Congress’s new manifesto was announced, Leftist parties vociferously opposed what they referred to as ‘poisonous rightist policies’. Later the high-level think-tanks of these parties opined that these policies were, in fact, leftist, and hence the opposition was hastily withdrawn and underplayed.

When asked by this reporter if the bills were against lefties, a Congressman emphatically said, “Rahul Gandhi will tell you the importance of the bills.” When asked about the whereabouts of Rahul Gandhi, he revealed that it was Rahul Gandhi himself speaking.

He then continued, “You people laugh at me when I answer every question by saying that we passed the Right to Information Act. Now I will pass so many ‘Right to fill-in-the-blanks’ bills that I can answer any question you ask. So next time you ask me if I’m afraid of losing to Narendra Modi, I will tell you that we passed the Right to be Unafraid of Narendra Modi Act. Genius, no?”

When further pressed on the actual contents of these bills, Rahul Gandhi said that they will empower women, and after pausing for effect, added, “Both right-handed AND left-handed.”

AAP workers’ reactions were even more scathing.

“The bills are a right-wing conspiracy,” a junior worker holding a broom in his left hand said, “thus proving that the Congress and BJP are one and the same.”

A BJP party worker blamed it all on Sonia Gandhi. “There is clearly a foreign right hand behind the bills.”

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Friday faking release: Youngistaan

The young men of Indian politics

Faking News on CNBC Awaaz: Lalu’s future plans and truth behind Kejriwal’s ‘Media-Jail’ comment

Find out Lalu Yadav’s innovative plan to expand his party and truth behind Arvind Kejriwal’s ‘Media-Jail’ comment.

All suspended IPL teams to play in a new ‘Suspended Premier League’ headed by Lalit Modi

Mumbai. Soon after Supreme Court proposed that CSK and Rajasthan Royals not be allowed to participate in IPL 7, suspended former IPL commissioner has announced a new cricket tournament – Suspended Premier League (SPL), which will give an opportunity to all the suspended IPL teams.

“As of now, we have Rajasthan Royals, Chennai Super Kings, Kochi Tuskers and Pune Warriors on our side. I had a talk with Srinivasan, Subrata Roy, Raj Kundra and Sreesanth, and I am pleased to say that they all agreed,” said IPL founder Lalit Modi while talking to Faking News.

“Modi khush hua“

“SPL is going to be more much interesting than the boring IPL. I bet, it will a super wild tournament,” promised Srinivasan when asked about prospects of Suspended Premier League.

However, he refused to make any direct comment about his troubled past relations with Lalit Modi. “Emotions have no place in my business decisions,” Srinivasan added firmly.

If sources are to be believed, SPL is going to be like a big party and the organizers are making every effort to make it more alluring than IPL.

“Strippers in place of cheerleaders, pre match, during match and post match booze party are some of the highlights,” said a source.

Match fixing and all other kind of so called malpractices, will not be looked down upon in this tournament.

“We are not going to judge these practices, who are we to judge? So, fixing, betting, dancing, slapping, abusing all will be permitted, as public like these things. Our bold and brave attitude is going to be our USP,” said an official of newly formed working committee of SPL.

Reportedly, they are even working on a contest ‘Spot the Fix’ where normal public will get a chance to win cash by predicting whether the ball or over or match is fixed or not. Few of the lucky winners will even get a chance to play match.

Srini to quit, requests Manmohan Singh instead of Gavaskar to be made BCCI chief

New Delhi. After Supreme Court left almost no choice for him, BCCI chief N Srinivasan has agreed to quit his post to allow free and fair probe in to IPL match-fixing case.

However, Srini has requested the apex court to reconsider their proposal of making Sunil Gavaskar the interim BCCI chief. Srini instead has suggested the name of Dr. Manmohan Singh, who is widely regarded as the Prime Minister of India.

BCCI chief took this decision after closely following Manmohan Singh’s independent leadership, or rather the lack of it, for last 4-5 years and was impressed how, despite being the PM, he let all sorts of people to question his authority time and again.

How N Srinivasan sees his role

“Gavaskar is not a bad choice, but public pressure might push him to do some ‘undesirable’ things,” Srini told Faking News.

“I don’t want to take any chances. I need someone like Manmohan Singh who doesn’t care about public pressure or outrage,” he explained.

Sources close to Srini say that the BCCI chief is planning to assume the role of Sonia Gandhi while his son-in-law Gurunath Meiyappan will continue to play the role of a son-in-law after Manmohan Singh becomes the BCCI chief.

Srini is confident that given his experience in the coal mines allotment scam and the 2G spectrum allotment scam, Manmohan Singh will be an ideal candidate to preside over IPL match-fixing scam.

PMO sources say that Dr. Singh is seriously considering the proposal.

“He has ruled out a third term for himself even if UPA wins the elections, and he had been looking for a post-retirement job where the skills acquired in the last 10 years could be put to best use. This job description by Srini is just perfect!” a PMO source revealed.

“Furthermore, since nobody seemed to be talking about him at all these days, Manmohan ji was feeling a bit like how Katrina Kaif must have felt in Dhoom 3 and therefore he finds merit in this,” the source added.

However staunch supporters of Srinivasan are still standing by him and have asked him not to accept Supreme Court’s proposals so easily.

“He shouldn’t quit. He still has at least 2 years of besharmi left in him,” said a Srini enthusiast.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Chandigarh MP candidates Kirron Kher and Gul Panag to act as saas-bahu in a movie

Chandigarh. City Beautiful’s Member of Parliament candidates Kirron Kher and Gul Panag have been offered role of saas-bahu in movie under famous Bollywood production house, Gajrajshri Productions.

Clash of the Titans

Both the actresses caught attention of the production house after a minor Twitter fight.

“We were looking for a similar pair to cast in our upcoming movie – Tu daal daal, main paat paat – where a saas-bahu duo is always at odds with each other. When it comes to acting, both are superb. And now with this elections and all, even in public eyes they are enemies of each other, which will be very beneficial for movie promotion,” said Gajrajshri Productions’ head.

Reportedly, both Gul Panag and Kirron Kher have happily signed the movie contract as they thought that a bit more drama can only help their electoral fortunes.

Announcement of the movie has further heated up the ground campaign in Chandigarh. Elections experts are predicting that Chandigarh is going to be the second most talked about constituency after Varanasi.

However, their decision to do roles of saas-bahu has created rift in families of Chandigarh.

“Earlier our whole family was going to vote for BJP. But now, my wife is supporting AAP’s candidate Gul Panag while my mother is supporting BJP’s candidate Kirron Kher,” rued Bajlit Singh, a resident of Sector 17.

Kejriwal flaunts his six pack abs in Ganga, image of being a common man shattered

Varanasi. Kejriwal’s much talked about Ganga bath created a furor as many of AAP volunteers criticized their leader for having six pack abs.

Kejriwal, who till now had never gone shirtless, exposed his body for the first time in public. But instead of being proud and happy, his supporters were shocked to see his chiseled and well toned body.

Challenging Modi’s 56 inch chest.

“Is this how a common man should look like? If this is his idea of being a common man, I need to rethink over by decision to support AAP,” rued Bundela Yadav, an angry supporter.

“A man with six pack can’t represent a common man of India. It’s a huge setback for us as we were expecting him to be pot bellied, like every other Indian man in his forties,” Mr yadav added further. “His over sized shirts and formal pants were illusion, and I am happy that he accidently exposed himself.”

Even image management experts called it a wrong shot. “Common man should be represented by someone who himself looks like a struggler. One who is struggling to get everything, even a six pack abs,” explained a senior executive a PR firm.

Soon after realizing growing dissatisfaction among a section of party supporters, AAP was in damage control mode. AAP supremo Arvind kejriwal used the opportunity to blame Modi and Ambani for his physical fiasco.

“It’s a big conspiracy to turn me into an uncommon looking man. They are mixing something in food and vegetable supplied to my home. I need to stop buying stuffs from Reliance Fresh,” told Kejriwal blaming his political and imaginary opponents, “Give me 30 days, and I will be back in shape.”

As per Kejriwal, he even contacted a doctor after he got a feeling of being more fitter. Now, he is planning to consult BJP heavyweight Nitin Gadkari.

To prove that AAP is not a changed party, leaders like Kumar Vishwas, Ashutosh and Yogendra Yadav took off their shirts at a press conference in Delhi. “Look at us! We are not greek gods, we are one of you, we are common man of India,” said an over excited Ashutosh.

Meanwhile, sources have confirmed that it was Raghu who had suggested Kejriwal to develop six pack abs before taking dip in Ganga.

“It was a plan to challenge Modi’s 56 inch chest, but unfortunately it backfired,” revealed a party insider.

Bangalore landlords claim house rent from Modi after “Ghar Ghar Modi” campaign

Bangalore. As per recent developments, there has been a huge uproar amongst High tech city’s landlords to claim house rent from Mr. Narendra Modi after BJP issued campaign slogans titled “Ghar Ghar Modi”.

Former half of the campaign slogan has been judiciously omitted by the complainants to avoid giving blind supporters a chance to claim hurt religious sentiments.

Mr. Mohan, owning a house in in Sarjapur ORR, angrily mentioned in his statement, “How can he stay in our houses without paying any of the rent? He should at least be paying monthly rent, if not the advance payment, at least till the month of May. I was really shocked to know he has been staying in our houses after I heard of the slogan.”

The slogan that has led residents of Bangalore to demand rent from Modi

Most of the landlords owning houses in the hotshot localities closer to IT companies, have supported the claim, going on to quote the rent amounts that runs in lakhs. They say that the reason for this huge rent amount is Modi’s alleged partnership with Adanis & Ambanis. They also provided links to AK (Arvind Kejriwal) rally speeches as evidence and proof of this partnership.

Meanwhile, BJP spokesperson Nirmala Sitaraman mercilessly rubbished the claim, claiming it to be propaganda spread by AAP members and supporters in order to defame Modi.

She said, “This is totally rubbish. The claim has only been made in Bangalore with high IT crowd with nothing to do i.e a bigger AAP base.”

Times Now also wasted no time in tweeting and claiming that it as an AAP strategy to undermine ‘Modi Wave’ by using hashtags like #AAPPropaganda. Chetan Bhagat immediately retweeted that tweet.

BJP leader Narendra Modi, in a private interview to a reporter from Pandora, agreed to pay any due amount of rent, but only to Hindu Nationalist owners.

BJP senior leaders LK Advani, Sushma Swaraj, and Jaswant Singh expressed their discomfort against the decision. Jaswant Singh credited it to yet another Namo Namo tamasha.

Rahul Gandhi rejected the news claiming it to be fake propaganda as Bangalore might not be even located in India and should be closer to Lahore as the rhyme goes. Digvijay Singh supported his claim and blamed RSS for showing Bangalore at wrong place in the maps.

Immediately after the news broke out, Modi supporters immediately started logging in to various social networking sites throwing defensive arguments and various graphs showing data to claim Bangalore real estate prices to be going down.

The issue was unresolved till reports last came in.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Aghoris of Varanasi lend support to AAP, Kejriwal to spend night with them on banks of Ganga

Varanasi. In a rather unusual turn of events, a group of sadhus representing the Aghori community has offered support to Arvind Kejriwal’s party in the upcoming general elections.

Sadhus say that it’s the personality, thinking process, and core ideology of AAP’s chief that attracted them towards the party.

Be the change you want to see.

“Like we are seeking moksha from the cycle of lives in different bodies, Kejriwal is also seeking moksha from the cycle of governments headed by different parties. He often states that all the parties other than AAP are illusion, which is quite close to our monistic doctrine,” said Baba Bhokali, a senior member of Aghori community.

“Our practices and rituals are centered around the removal of materialistic bonds, similar to what Kejriwal claims. Otherwise why he would have rejected development of Gujarat? Because, he feels that roads and electricity are not measures of real development. Development should be spiritual, it should be directed inward not outward,” Baba added further.

Aghoris also found themselves close to AAP in the way they practice healing through purification.

“Their followers believe that the Aghori can purify aam aadmi by removing corruption from the body and the mind. The followers of Arvind Kejriwal too have similar faith in his healing prowess,” an expert of Aghori culture explained the similarities between AAP and Aghoris.

Excited with the newly found voice of support, Kejriwal expressed his happiness and also promised to bring Aghoris to the mainstream society. “Yes, I am an anarchist, yes, I am an Aghori,” Kejriwal roared while addressing a gathering of Aghori sadhus.

Tie up with Aghori community has helped AAP not only to grab the national headlines, but even noted international news channels are talking about them. However, sources say, they are more interested in Aghoris than in Kejriwal.

Meanwhile, Aghoris have invited Arvind Kejriwal to participate in a special ritual for better future of the alliance. Media even spotted Kejriwal sporting an Aghori look and roaming around on streets of Varanasi.

Vellas in Varanasi divide themselves as Modi and Kejriwal supporters to come on TV

Varanasi. The possible clash between Narendra Modi and Arvind Kejriwal in upcoming Lok Sabha elections is generating huge media interest in Varanasi, pushing some local residents to rise to the occasion.

In a bid to cash in on this media wave and get their attention, a group of lukhhas and jobless people have divided and disguised themselves as Modi and Kejriwal supporters, and are seen hanging around TV cameras voicing their support for the ~~respected~~ respective leaders.

Not to be left out, many people from the city, who had migrated to places like Mumbai, Delhi, or even Manhattan for better prospects, are now wondering if they made a mistake by leaving the city.

“Since it is being given so much focus, there must have been some drastic change in its condition and infrastructure ever since I left the city a couple of weeks back,” said a man who regrets underestimating his city and migrating to Delhi. He is now back with his friends.

Getting ready to get their 2 minutes of fame.

“Saala I went to Mumbai to do some drama in the films when all the drama is happening right in my city,” said another man, who was posing as an AAP supporter.

Experts feel that this reverse exodus was inevitable following the amount of attention media was giving to Varanasi, as if Nadella was born here.

“The people of Varanasi, especially the youth, want their 2 minutes of fame which they failed to get so far as MTV Roadies has not come here for auditions yet,” an expert explained the reason of craze among people.

“Yeh banaras hai, ladka saala yahan bhi halla na kiya toh aur kahan karega,” he added.

The plan of these vella people was exposed when one of the presumed passionate supporters was caught looking into the camera and saying “Vote for Lalit Modi”.

It was also found later that nearly all of them had not even got their voter ID cards made, while they kept talking about voting for Modi and Kejriwal when talking to the media.

Meanwhile Samajwadi Party chief Mulayam Singh Yadav is planning to cite this sudden influx of people back into the city as an example reverse migration due to development and job opportunities, putting Varanasi ahead of Gujarat.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Pen drive not taken out of laptop for 10 days due to errors shown while safely removing it

Bangalore. Chintit Chaturvedi, a final year engineering student has refused to pull out his newly bought pen drive from laptop after it showed an error message when he tried to remove it safely, ten days ago.

Chintit’s 8 GB pen drive has virtually become a native hardware as the 22-year-old student is too scared to remove it unless the system tells him “you can now safely remove the hardware”.

Be humane, remove it safely.

“I bought Tijori just few days back. It is still a child. I can’t be so ruthless and merciless by brutally pulling it out without safely removing it,” said an upset Chintit while talking to Faking News.

He had named his pen drive “Tijori” after attaching it to his laptop for the first time. He couldn’t remove it after that.

“If I remove it unsafely, Tijori’s performance is going to be hampered badly,” Chintit expressed his deepest fears, “If it were a few days older, I wouldn’t have hesitated for a second to pull him out, but it’s his first time. I have to be careful.”

Reportedly, the unfortunate incident happened when Chintit was transferring few exclusive video files to the pen drive to distribute it among his friends.

“I should have avoided transferring those dirty videos to this pure drive. Tijori is suffering due to my sins,” regretted Chintit, while urging God to fix it.

“Once things are back to normal and I am allowed to remove it safely, I will keep a Hanuman Chalisa video permanently in my pen drive,” he offered the deal to God.

Concerned for the health of the drive, Chintit even took his system to a laptop repair shop, but despite using all their expertise, technicians failed to remove the pen drive safely. Eventually they suggested him to either pull the plug or leave it permanently in the system, cutting a hole in the laptop cover to allow for the sticking out pen drive.

But Chintit still believes that one day a miracle would happen and he would be able to remove the pen drive safely.

Meanwhile Chintit’s friends are desperate to remove that pen drive from his system and get those video files. To save the pen drive from getting removed unsafely, Chintit is guarding his system 24X7.

“He is behaving like a child. Sooner or later every pen drive has to face this day, it’s their destiny. But Chintit is not ready to understand this simple truth of a pen drive’s life,” said Chintit’s wise roommate.

NCP to sell Pawar Ink Erasers to raise funds for elections

Mumbai. Looks like Modi mugs, Rahul Gandhi T-Shirts, and AAP caps have had their 15 minutes of fame. Now is the turn of newly launched Pawar Ink Eraser (PIE), which is being demanded by everyone in the country.

Introduced soon after his address in Mumbai, where the NCP chief Sharad Pawar urged his supporters to vote twice for the party after erasing ink marks on their fingers, the product has become an instant hit, with demand for the erasers pouring-in like Mumbai Monsoons.

A rubber can change your life

“Entire election funding of NCP could be done by selling these erasers, as supporters of every party are hugely excited at the prospects of voting twice,” Mohan Lal, a freshly appointed stockiest of PIE claimed.

However, it’s not only political workers who are interested in buying these erasers that can remove traces of what Election Commission of India calls as “indelible ink”.

“Students taking their board examinations are also interested as they can erase answers that they copy from faulty chits,” a market analyst of ink erasers told Faking News.

“Not only those taking board exams, even those in college want it,” the analyst further claimed, “Girls who had got their boyfriends’ names tattooed but later broke up, want these erasers to get rid of the tattoos.”

Excited by the response, NCP has now retracted the retraction of Sharad Pawar and claimed that Mr. Pawar was not joking but he was pretty serious about erasing ink marks.

“That’s our poll strategy and we have the erasers ready. We will sell it to the common man,” an NCP leader announced.

Sources say that Pawar Ink Eraser will be promoted not only as ink eraser, but as a revolutionary product that can remove other marks and stains as well.

“Kalmadi could try it,” a source explained.

“Or this could be a good replacement for fairness creams,” the source added.

NCP scientists are trying to find if PIE can be used to erase old tweets as well, which could help leaders changing parties, or celebrities joining politics.

“It works. I could finally get rid of Holi colors!” confirmed Pappu, one of the first buyers of PIE.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Frustrated of being ignored in the elections, Manmohan Singh to fight from Varanasi as independent candidate

Delhi. The feeling of constantly being ignored in the Lok Sabha elections has finally taken a toll on the patience of incumbent Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh.

Unable to take it anymore where his existence is being ignored like Advani’s ambitions, Dr. Singh has declared that he will fight Lok Sabha elections from Varanasi as an independent candidate.

Dr. Singh, who has been publicly holding the PM’s chair for last 10 years, is probably first Prime Minister who has appeared so irrelevant in debates and discussions around Lok Sabha elections.

Manmohan Freeman

“I mean, leave media, even my party members are behaving as if I don’t exist at all. I do not even remember the last time when I gave any interview or people talked about me in context of the upcoming elections,” said an emotional Manmohan Singh, while announcing his candidature from Varanasi.

“Instead they are talking about Modi, as if Modi had been running the country for 10 years!” he added.

Congress high command was initially reluctant to allow Manmohan Singh to fulfill his political fantasy, but considering what he did for the family party in the last 10 years, they agreed. As per sources, Sonia Gandhi was overheard saying, ‘Jao Mannu ji jao, jee lo apni zindagi.’

Manmohan’s decision of selecting Varanasi as battleground is being seen as a well-thought-out plan to catch media attention.

But unlike many other candidates who are standing from Varanasi just to defeat Modi, Manmohan’s soul aim is to tell the world who he really is.

“I, the neeli pagdi, am the Prime Minister, not this safed daadhi,” reiterated an angry Singh.

Entrance of Manmohan Singh as independent candidate from Varanasi seat has further intensified the ground situation in the holy city.

If election experts are to be believed, Manmohan Singh could be a dark horse in the ongoing battle.

“Currently, he is like a man freed after years of repression, so he can easily connect with the deprived classes and castes. He’s highly educated, so even the upper classes could support him. He is symbolizing a wave of change,” explained political analyst Gajendra Yadav.

“And above that, just imagine the crowd that will arrive to hear Manmohan Singh speaking freely for the first time. I am sure that in his rallies people will come not only from Varanasi, but from different parts of the country, just to hear his unheard voice. Get ready for country’s largest political rally,” Mr Yadav added.

Friday, March 21, 2014

What will Modi, Kejriwal, and Rahul do if they become PM

There are many PM candidates, but Faking News has selected three of them, based on Internet search keywords. Find out what they are expected to do, and what they could end up doing if they become the Prime Minister of India:

Will Modi be allowed to work peacefully?

Narendra Modi has made grand promises, and there will be a grand opposition.

Rahul will continue to dream ‘big’ for the nation ever after becoming PM

Having mastered the art of doing Dharna, Kejriwal will continue from where he left Delhi.