Faking News - leading news satire website of India: August 2013

Saturday, August 31, 2013

After Junior Masterchef and Indian Idol Junior, now comes Crime Patrol Junior

Mumbai. Makers of highly popular crime show Crime Patrol have announced a junior version of their show as the Indian society gets increasingly aware about juvenile laws and crimes.

The show will feature “children” in the 15-18 years age group and document their crimes. Sony TV will telecast these stories to create awareness among people who still think that children are “bhagwan ka roop”.

A child actor is being approached to anchor the special season of the show

“This is a welcome step. I have been committing crimes for long now but don’t think I’ve done something big enough to get featured in the current Crime Patrol Dastak, but I hope the crimes I committed when I was just sixteen will help me get featured in Crime Patrol Junior,” said a 21-year-old hardened criminal “Mirchi”.

However, Mirchi could be in for a shock as the law requires the identity of juvenile criminals to be kept secret. To bypass this, Mirchi has offered to act in the episode that documents his crime – when he robbed and killed an elderly couple – when he was 17 years old.

The producers of the show are confident that there would be absolutely no dearth of case studies involving juveniles.

“To make it big in crime, many criminals start early and young. No wonder some of the biggest underworld dons are still called Chhota (small) like Chhota Shakeel and Chhota Rajan,” an official of Sony Entertainment Television claimed.

“Furthermore, after realizing how the juvenile in the Delhi gang rape case escaped harsh punishment, one accused in Mumbai gang rape case too is claiming to be juvenile. We are confident that we’d get more such cases. Who knows even Asaram Bapu could claim to juvenile by magically reducing his age through mediation,” the official explained why the producers were confident of a long running show.

“But we will have to ensure there is no untoward incident while filming and our team is 100% safe from these juveniles,” the official added.

Asaram Bapu’s message to the media

After his supporter attacked media at Jodhpur earlier today, the office of the self-styled godman Asaram Bapu has released a message:

He’s been running faster than Chennai Express and evading police

Investigations reveal that Rats are real custodians of Coal Ministry files

New Delhi. Soon after the Prime Minister, who is generally known to be silent, shouted that he was not the custodian of coal ministry files, the sarkari rats (a qualified species to run the Rat Kingdom) quickly gathered to have a round table conference below the Parliament house.

A rat with the coal ministry file

The rats appeared tense as they feared the focus shifting to the missing coal files.

Doggy Rat, a senior minister in the Rat Kingdom, holding the coal file-42 said, “Let’s eat the files for supper to avoid any issues arising out of investigation.”

Maun Rat, the eldest minister, broke his silence and said, “It would not be a wise move. We need these files to negotiate with the humans for the loss of food grains in the FCI godowns.”

Meanwhile the Baby Rat was seen munching certain papers in the corner. The Queen Rat squeaked angrily at him. “Mom, these are only TOIlet papers, not the coal files,” the baby blurted out.

The discussion between the senior rats remained inconclusive and they authorized the Queen Rat to take a decision.

“None of you make any sense. The issue will be buried soon by poodles. As the investigations will be conducted by parrots, there will be no trouble. We will use these coal files to hold humans to ransom during emergency. This will assure our fellow poor rats worrying about the loss of food due to Food Security Bill and will vote us back to power,” the Queen pronounced her judgment.

Friday, August 30, 2013

11 celebrities who bought one way ticket to Mars

Around 8000 Indians have expressed interest in getting settled on Mars. Faking News has found that among the list, there are some celebrities too:

A celerity on Mars wearing a suit to hide from the common man

Asaram Bapu: he is planning to escape to Mars to avoid police arrest. He also wants to be the first godman on Mars, and if luckier, a prophet who starts a new religion.

Ram Jethmalani: he signed up after knowing that Asaram was going to Mars. He wants to fight some crime cases.

LK Advani: finally he hopes to get elected as the Prime Minister over there.

Arnab Goswami : it’s not sure why he wanted to go to Mars, but sources confirm that his application has been rejected because his voice already reaches Mars.

Robert Vadra : actually, he’s already there.

Subramanian Swamy: he is going there to collect evidence of Sonia Gandhi’s involvement in Robert Vadra’s land purchases on Mars.

Justice Katju : he wants to take control and educate these 8000 people so that future generations don’t breed fools and idiots.

Arindam Chaudhuri: he wants to establish the first b-school on Mars because for long he has dared to think beyond Earth.

Sheila Dixit: she has signed up on behalf of her daughter, because she feels her daughter does not feel safe in Delhi.

Sunny Deol: he’s going there to protect all the 8000 Indians if and when Pakistanis reach Mars.

Digvijay Singh: he’s the only one who has not signed up voluntarily. Some activists have put his name on his behalf to have a better and saner earth. Digvijay Singh has blamed RSS for putting his name.

Manmohan Singh’s voice registers a record high of 66 decibels

New Delhi. After registering a market value of 30 decibels on Independence Day trading, worth of Dr. Manmohan Singh’s voice had been falling like that of the rupee, but Prime Minister’s voice recovered strongly and closed at 66 decibels during the inter-parliamentary trading early today.

“It had reached a record low of zero decibels early this week owing to negative sentiments in the market, but it recorded a spectacular recovery today under the spectacular guidance of Sonia Gandhi ji and Rahul Gandhi ji,” Prime Minister’s Office claimed in a press release.

Market watchers too owe this spectacular rise in Prime Minister’s voice to domestic factors such as Sonia Gandhi’s voice being heard in the Parliament early this week during the Food Security Bill trading in the Parliament.

Manmohan Singh after his historic achievement

“That was a strong signal to the market and it immediately caused traders to buy Prime Minister’s voice. Traders belonging to the BJP were busy selling their voices in Food Security Bill and Land Acquisition Bill, and they totally forgot about PM’s voice,” a trade analyst explained to Faking News.

International factors are not being ruled out as well.

“Voices in Syria could also have caused it,” Siddharth Sharma, an international trade expert claimed, “Although it remains a mystery why developments related to China or Pakistan don’t see any direct impact on Prime Minister’s voice, but Syria surely is a factor.”

While Sonia Gandhi’s intervention is being cited as the major reason behind the rise of Prime Minister’s voice, market watchers caution that the current account deficit of Dr. Singh’s voice remains high.

“Prime Minister is still getting to hear a lot more decibels than what he’s producing. That remains a worry,” an expert claimed.

Early today, when the markets opened, Prime Minister’s voice traded at 40 decibels in the Lok Sabha. It was outdone by 50 decibels of Sushma Swaraj, but she and other BJP traders walked out of the market soon after. Prime Minister’s voice was later traded in the Rajya Sabha and it ended at a record high of 66 decibels.

While Congress traders have claimed that these 66 decibels will do wonders to the growth rate of the economy, BJP traders are suspecting insider trading and manipulation of voice market.

“Why was the circuit breaker not applied?” asked BJP’s Yashwant Sinha, “And will we celebrate only the value of the voice? If that’s the criteria, Arnab Goswami is the best person to lead the country.”

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Friday faking release: Grand Masti

Starring Swami Nithyananda, Asaram Bapu and ND Tiwari.

Key features of the IRCTC online shop

The IRCTC shop

IRCTC has started selling more than rail and air tickets. Now they will sell apparel, electronics, and other goods. Faking News has found out some key features that differentiates the IRCTC shop from other e-commerce portals:

1. The goods will be delivered within a week, but in case of emergency, say, when you find in the morning that the toothpaste tube is empty, you can buy items under tatkal quota. You need to pay a tatkal fee and goods will be delivered within hours.

2. The delivery boys will be known as coolies and they will negotiate a delivery charge.

3. During festive seasons, there is a risk of shortage of goods due to increased demand. Users can make advance booking of items as early as 2 months from date of delivery.

4. A user cannot add more than 10 items in a single shopping cart, as it would make the website unavailable.

5. There will be online games to engage shoppers while they wait to get through the payment stage.

6. Going forward, the IRCTC shop will sell rice, wheat, and grains at highly subsidized rates. Since the UPA government claims that 40% of the population has internet connectivity and Food Security Bill covers 67% of the population, at least 7% of India has internet but is hungry.

7. Future plans also include allowing users to sell their items after deducting a commission. The lucky IRCTC users who get a tatkal railway ticket can sell those tickets and make money.

There will online games to engage shoppers while they wait to get through their payment page.

Indian Rupee – then and now

Rupee has fallen so much from early this year that there is a drastic change in its appearance as well. While some experts feel this change was long due, ignorants feel there is nothing to worry about.

A much jovial looking 1000 rupee note in January 2013

A visibly shattered 1000 rupee note now.

Dubai fearing another recession after the arrest of Indian terrorists

Dubai, UAE. The gulf emirate of Dubai fears another recession in the emirate after the arrests of several high profile Indian terrorists. Dubai had earlier faced a severe recession in 2008-2009 and was only just starting to recover.

This fear has arisen due to the arrest of quite a few Indian dons and terrorists this year, like Nikhil Shetty, Abdul Karim Tunda and Yasin Bhatkal. Death of Iqbal Mirchi has also reduced the number of investors in Dubai. Black money from India is a vital component of Dubai economy and if this source closes down then the emirate may face severe economic difficulties.

Dubai’s economy is dependent on many interesting and external factors

Speaking to Faking News, a local businessman, Ahmed Al Ansari said, “These are bad times, really bad times for our economy. First, your Finance Minister tells Indians to stop buying Gold. If they stop doing it completely then what will we do with all the Gold souks we have? Then, you increase the import duty for televisions. Every Indian returning to India used to take a TV with him, which will stop after this duty. Now, you want to cut off the source of funding for so many projects as well by arresting dons and terrorists? Not ok my friend.”

Not only locals but the Indian expatriates living in Dubai are also concerned with the developments. An Indian expat, Liju Thomas speaking to us said, “First Dawood bhai left Dubai and started investing more in Pakistan. Iqbal Mirchi bhai died and now, these other terrorists and dons are getting arrested, how will things work this way?”

“Dubai doesn’t have much oil either to fall back on, maybe they will have to borrow from Abu Dhabi again as they did in 2009. I hope they do else I will have to return to Kerala if jobs dry up here”, Liju added.

Many Indians like Liju are contemplating a return to India after they were rendered unemployed once match fixing and betting rings were broken by Indian police, and arrest of these terrorists is further reducing the employment opportunities for them in Dubai.

Meanwhile, a Ministry of External Affairs spokesman has tried to allay the fears of Dubai residents. He said “UAE is a good friend of India and we will ensure that our actions don’t end up harming the Dubai economy. In fact, we are planning to shift the capital of Kerala to Dubai to boost the development in the region.”

When we asked how Dubai can be the capital of Kerala, he said “When Seemandhra can have a capital outside its state borders then why Kerala can’t? Anyway, more Keralites live in Dubai than Emiratis, it will be perfect.”

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Indian government condemns Chinese army for allowing Myanmar’s army into India

New Delhi. Indian government has reacted strongly to the news of Myanmar’s army entering India and setting up camps in Manipur.

As always, they have condemned. But this time, the condemnation is unique, because instead of condemning Myanmar, the government has condemned China.

Ministry of External Affairs has issued a statement condemning the Chinese army for not taking any action against the intruding Myanmar army.

“Were these guys sleeping?” an angry India asks.

“What is the use of letting Chinese army into our territory if they are not going to protect North-East India from external threats? If we just wanted some guys to sit idle there then we could have deployed government babus on the border and not ceded the territory to China,” fumed an MEA spokesperson.

He went on to add, “Once we allowed the Chinese to set up camps, we were certain that they will protect this territory against any other threat, but I guess they are as useless as us. We are going to pass our displeasure to the Chinese ambassador in Delhi.”

When we mentioned that Chinese soldiers had camped in the state of Arunachal Pradesh and Myanmar’s army has intruded in the state of Manipur, he replied, “Arey yaar, what are Arunachal Pradesh and Manipur? North-east India is a single state, no?”

We thought about correcting him for a moment before thinking better of it as he looked very angry and we didn’t want to invite his wrath.

Defense ministry has not issued any statement on this incursion yet as Defense minister and Army spokesman were busy comparing notes to ensure that they don’t end up giving out different versions of the events.

We approached the home ministry for Mr. Shinde’s reaction to this intrusion on Indian Territory but we were turned away by the guard who told us that the honorable minister was waiting for his appointment with a specialist doctor.

Meanwhile, sources inform Faking News that Sonia Gandhi had her mind on the Myanmar army’s incursion as she sipped Burmese tea in the afternoon.

Six assets India can auction to earn billions of dollars

Government is thinking of mortgaging India’s gold reserves to meet forex requirements, but Faking News think-thank believes that there are other options available to earn billions of dollars.

Following are 6 precious assets that India possesses, and they could be auctioned to raise funds:

Let’s hold on to our gold and sell off other non-performing assets

Patience: a unique trait that has been passed on to us from generation to generation since ages, and honestly, it’s useless for us. Unlike Yoga, which we gifted free of cost to USA, we can auction Patience at a high price as many countries other than us need it.

Engineering Degrees: with so many engineers employed in jobs that require no more than a +2 education, their degrees are rusting. We can dust them off and auction these to countries where engineering degrees are valued more.

Slums: it continues to be one of the major attractions for the foreign tourists. Why not auction a few of our big slums which they can place in a corner of their cities?

IRCTC: uniquely coded and designed, this is the rarest of the rare websites to have ever existed in the digital world. With a huge user base, the website could attract a valuation as high as Facebook.

Rajiv Gandhi’s Dreams: they are the keys to a society’s progress and development. Developing nations could need them desperately as their own leaders didn’t have much time to dream.

Sonia Gandhi’s Remote Control: It’s a very unique technology which could fetch us huge amount. Operating a human being with remote control is a hybrid of black magic and modern technology. Tech giants will pay anything for this remote control.

While having breakfast, Sonia Gandhi’s thoughts were with the falling rupee

New Delhi. While having her daily breakfast, menu for which was different from the usual Caffè latte with butter toast, Sonia Gandhi on Wednesday morning was more bothered about the health of the economy than her own.

The Congress chief, who ordered three bowls in breakfast – each one full of cooked rice, wheat, and coarse grain – to show her support for the Food Security Bill, also expressed her disappointment over falling value of rupee, the Indian currency.

Sonia Gandhi wondering why the government doesn’t take enough steps to reduce her unhappiness

Her assistants asked her not to worry, because international airlines tickets for her and Rahul Gandhi’s foreign trips were booked in advance when rupee was 53 rupee per dollar (only earlier this year), but she was more concerned about the common man.

Her assistants’ comments might indicate that Sonia and Rahul go abroad too often, but sources said that both of them took foreign excursions only to explore how the minorities and the poorest of the poor in India can prosper.

The chef who cooked Sonia Gandhi’s breakfast today had found the demand for three bowls of rice, wheat, and cereals rather strange, and suggested that she had her usual breakfast. But it was later felt that a breakfast with political message will be in order given her unhappiness with various things.

It was then when chef proceeded to cook today’s breakfast and Sonia Gandhi switched on the television to find out what was happening in the country. Rupee and markets had fallen agin, and Sonia Gandhi became upset and unhappy again.

A noticeable inability to finish all three bowls of her breakfast gave away that her appetite was falling and maybe she had not fully recovered from her illness, but it soon became clear that she was in no mood to eat while the rupee was falling and the economy was weakening.

Within minutes, Congress was quick to point to her commitment to the Indian economy, with spokesperson Bhakt Charan Das saying that the “good wishes” of the poor (who have become poor after investing in the stock markets) would certainly have been with her.

(if this fake news report makes no sense, please read this real news report, which is a stellar example of genuine journalism)

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Asaram Bapu enters into 14 year long meditation to avoid arrest

Indore. Asaram Bapu has reportedly entered into a 14 years long meditation starting today. Bapu has asked his followers to not let anybody to disturb him.

Bapu, in deep meditation.

It is believed that he is doing this to avoid police and courts after he was booked for sexually assaulting a minor, but his followers disagree.

“Bapu – owner of many supernatural powers, could have easily escaped by flying like a superman if he wanted, but he respects law and order,” said one of his follower, “By going into meditation he has left everything in hand of God, justice will prevail.”

Meanwhile after a little clash with his Asaram supporters, police successfully reached Bapu’s meditation site and tried every possible way to break his meditation, but all effort went in vain.

Later they lifted Bapu, who remained rock solid in the pose of meditation, and took him to a psychologist.

After analysis of Bapu’s state of mind, psychologist suggested to bring Malaika Arora and make her dance in front of him, as it’s the only way to bring him back to the normal mode.

When Faking News asked a senior police official about their Plan B, in case Malaika Arora’s dance fails, he said, “As of now we don’t know what to do, as his situation is similar to that of a person in coma.”

His followers are seeing it as a major breakthrough in field of non-violent protest.

“It’s mystical, philosophical, out of the box implementation of meditation in daily life,” said one of his foreign bhakt.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Thousands of Bangladeshis cross into India as Lok Sabha passes Food Security Bill

Mumbai. Millions of Bangladeshis living in India and others ready to infiltrate into the country, have hailed the historic moment of Lok Sabha passing the Food Security Bill.

March to entitlement

In fact, thousands have already crossed into Assam and West Bengal when this report was being filed. They will soon get some documents that will prove that they were Indian citizens eligible for subsidized food grains.

“We have already got Aadhar Cards and now we will register ourselves to get rice at Rs 3/kg, wheat at Rs 2/kg and other cereals at Re 1/kg,” said Abdul Chaudhari, a Bangladeshi staying illegally in India who knew in and out of the bill.

These Bangladeshi immigrants were earlier planning to go back to their country when they heard about Indian economy going south, but when they heard about freebies that were waiting for them, they decided to stay back.

“We are not interested in stock market anyway, that’s the area of interest to Pakistanis and Dawood Ibrahim. We are interested in these welfare schemes,” Abdul told Faking News why he decided to stay back even though the economy is yet to get back on track.

“Maybe a 2 BHK flat in Mumbai,” the Bangladeshi immigrant responded when asked if there was more that could secure their stay in India.

Man manages to save 2 seconds in a day by using SMS language

Mumbai. After 5 weeks of rigorous observation and analysis, 23-year-old Ganpat Dhar today discovered the huge benefits he was deriving by writing and speaking in SMS language.

Ganpat claims that he managed save a staggering 2 mili joules of energy, apart from sneaking in an extra ounce of fresh air inside his lungs than normal, thanks to conversing in SMS language the whole day.

The young man was under tremendous pressure for last few weeks to prove that his habit of using SMS language was actually fruitful and helped him save a lot of time.

“I won the challenge, losers!” Ganpat claimed as he revealed his findings to his detractors.

A page from Ganpat’s Diary.

Sources confirm that his quest to come out with all kind of weird shortened words and phrases for last few days backfired initially and made him consume more time than usual instead. But after 5 weeks of hard work and struggle, his efforts finally yielded results as he managed to save a whopping 2 seconds in an entire day.

“I am elated. I wanted to show all my friends and critics that you actually end up saving substantial amount of time by using SMS language and its usage should be made mandatory by ministry of communication. The time thus saved can be put to productive use like watching Anil Kapoor’s part in Mission Impossible 4 or enjoying a Rohit Sharma’s knock,” said Ga Dha (name shortened to save time at Ganpat’s request).

What started as a fascination to write in SMS language has over time turned into an obsession for Ganpat, who even speaks in SMS language now.

“Now even while watching comedy shows or films, I just utter

LOL or ROFL instead of actually laughing,” Ganpat disclosed as our reporter said WTF.

Faking News had to hire services of renowned expert Shahid Kapoor (PhD holder in SMS language) to decode what Ganpat said during our brief interaction with him. The quoted sentences above are full form as interpreted by Shahid.

However Ganpat’s friends are not convinced and log out moment they see him online to maintain their sanity. They even blame him for destroying whatever little language skills they possessed for eternity. Only one friend, Nilim, talks to him.

“I want to join RAW or CBI and am interested in decoding secret languages, that’s why I chat with him,” Nilim explained.

Meanwhile Ganpat has received an offer from Prime Minister’s Office to offer a tutorial on how to remain silent in SMS language.

Politician names himself “Asli Feku” to trend on Twitter

Lucknow. Gone are the days when people would change their names on advice of a numerologist or astrologers, now these advisory roles are being assumed by Social Media and SEO experts.

Krishna Pratap, a little known Mukhiya in Barabanki has changed his name to “Asli Feku” acting upon one such advice from an expert. He hopes to become a social media star by this weekend.

It’s a matter of time when some politician uses hashtag in his official name, experts predict.

“The other option was that I issue a statement blaming women for rapes, but senior leaders had already done that. I needed fresh ideas to trend on Twitter,” explained Krishna Pratap, who signed up on Twitter last month.

Krishna had joined Twitter after he realized that after 15 years of active politics, he could only become a Mukhiya, while some people could become party spokespersons after 15 months of tweeting.

Frustrated, and after sending abusive tweets to his own party spokespersons on Twitter, Krishna hired a social media expert (who handles 500 troll accounts on Facebook and Twitter all by himself). The expert advised him to use either “Pappu” or “Feku” in his name for instant fame.

“I settled for Feku, because Pappu is not so unique – there is already a politician called Pappu Yadav and Google search on Pappu has too much of info,” Krishna showed off his enhanced knowledge about the digital world.

Experts say that this trend will only pick more momentum in coming months as elections approach.

Faking News talked to a Search Engine Optimization (SEO) specialist Pranav Sharma, who has numerous politicians in his client list.

“Many times typos take place while people search for famous keywords like Feku and Pappu. For example, Feku could become Deku or Geku because D and G keys are next to F. A leader can name himself Deku or Geku to benefit from this,” Pranav explained how it works.

“Some other strategies are like giving them names which include already famous search keywords. That’s how the name Asli Feku must have been thought of,” the SEO expert claimed, “Pyara Pappu is another good option.”

Unconfirmed sources say that another Mukhiya has renamed himself to Sunny Leone for similar results.

Mobile camera to call help when onlookers click pics of accident victims

Mumbai. It is perhaps the discovery of the decade. Munna Mobile, a school dropout and owner of a mobile repair shop in Dharavi has built a mobile camera that helps accident victims.

All you need to do is click a picture of the accident victim (as most people do it involuntarily these days) and the camera automatically alerts the police and ambulance service by making an automated voice call. It also goes a step ahead and books a bed at the nearby hospital through IVRS.

The healing touch, now coming soon on a mobile.

Munna was inspired to build the device after a near death experience last year at the Mumbai-Pune highway.

“I lay there bleeding after my accident but no one came forward to help me. In fact, they clicked my pictures, recorded my videos and instantly loaded them on Facebook, YouTube and Twitter. In 15 minutes, my picture had 50,000 likes but not one soul who liked to save my life. It was an illiterate truck driver Bhagwan Singh who picked me, took me to hospital and thus I survived,” ecounts Munna with remorse.

Munna then went on to say, “I then decided that since we have pawned our lives to technology and social media, let me part with that single trait that differentiates us from machines – humanity. Let me outsource humanity to technology, it is much safer there and will be certainly put to use.”

Mobile companies have hailed the innovation and have promised to incorporate it into their future handset releases.

“This is in league of features like ‘Blow to unlock’ and ‘Swipe to send’. We will call it ‘Click to help’ – although this is exactly what people have been doing it online, but now this gets a new meaning now,” CEO of a leading mobile handset manufacturing company told Faking News.

“I would like Munna to work on more such features such as fire brigade automatically being called up when a person tweets ‘my office is on fire’ instead of running out,” the CEO proposed.

Trade experts believe that the technology will be used by various media channels to gain maximum publicity. A popular media website incentivizes people to upload photos and others to light candles for them. Photos with most candles every week earn a free helmet.

Elsewhere another channel has requested Munna Mobile to add an sms option while onlookers click pictures of accident victims. A if you think the victim would survive. B if you think not. The news channel has offered prizes to lucky winners who get it right.

But Munna is not impressed with these suggestions. He is worried because in a test run of his ‘Click to help’ feature, calls went in time but there wasn’t anybody in the police station and hospitals to answer them.