Faking News - leading news satire website of India: August 2014

Sunday, August 31, 2014

In Imran Khan’s Naya Pakistan, from getting job to govt formation, all will take place through protests

Islamabad. Disclosing his grand plans and vision for Naya Pakistan, PTI chief Imran Khan today unveiled his party manifesto to attract more and more people to his so called revolution to free Pakistan from Pakistan.

Addressing thousands of protesters in the capital, Imran Khan emphasized upon the importance of protests and said that protests were going to be an integral part of Naya Pakistan. “From getting a job to government formation, all will take place through protest,” he added.

Protesters eagerly waiting for Naya Pakistan.

As per PTI’s manifesto, in Naya Pakistan, government selection process will be much easier and more transparent.

“Every political party or group will be free to protest against government. If their staged protest is strong enough and if they manage to topple existing government, that party will be allowed to rule the country,” Imran Khan explained, adding that selection by protest will free the country from evil practices like booth rigging.

Imran Khan also feels that achieving something through protest is way more satisfying and masculine than getting it by following a normal process. “After all, we Pakistanis are warriors,” Mr. Khan concluded.

If Naya Pakistan becomes reality, admission in good colleges will take place through protest exams.

“All applicants will be asked to do protest and use of little violence will be allowed too. Those who will be able to pressurize college administration will get admission offers,” told a PTI leader to Faking News. “Similar processes will be followed in job exams and other activities like buying things by protest, where you don’t have to pay money.”

Meanwhile back in India, a new separatist group has emerged in Kashmir with the slogan “Kashmir Banega Naya Pakistan“.

A protest has been called next Friday to decide what future course should Kashmir take – with India, with Purana Pakistan, with Naya Pakistan, independent nation, or part of the ISIS caliphate.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Tired of beheading civilians, ISIS planning to behead each other to increase TRP

Iraq/Syria. After videos were released of beheading civilians and reporters which got infamous for their notoriety, the ISIS is willing to go one step ahead and behead each other to increase their TRP even more.

“We never thought we would become so infamous,” said a smiling ISIS soldier, “I heard from my friend that we are getting so many views in the Internet and TV. I wouldn’t have even seen my face in the mirror that many times in my entire life.”

Many top officials were seen ecstatic after hearing the news but disappointed that their TRP had gone down recently as they were appearing too predictable. Soon the decision was made and they had sent word to the soldiers that they can now behead each other to become more famous and increase the TRP.

Practice sessions of beheadings!

“It’s a tough life to live without proper TRP you know,” said one of the leaders, “We try so much to kill people and still hardly people give us coverage. Now is the time to have dramatic twists.”

“I could imagine how it might go. It could be like a reality show with an elimination round,” said an excited ISIS soldier, “Except we get permanently eliminated.”

“But remember, 72 virgins!” the soldier said amidst loud cheers from fellow soldiers.

Some of the soldiers have already voluntarily signed up to get beheaded because they would not be covering their faces during the procedure and hence their fame would increase even more.

“Anyway America is going to bomb us soon so we thought why not die a little early with more fame?” an ISIS soldier later told Faking News on condition of anonymity and on threat of beheading if his name was revealed.

“The more the TRP, the more attention we get and more people would be scared of us. We don’t like to be ignored obviously and gaining attention is our number one priority ahead of anything else,” he clarified.

Hearing this news, terror organizations from Kashmir, who have been accidentally killing themselves while attempting to do the Ice Bucket Challenge have promptly opted for a better choice

“It’s difficult to do the ice bucket challenge here. Last week one of my pals did it and since it was already freezing weather here in Kashmir, he died by the time the ice got completely poured over him, so we got less TRP,” said a concerned terrorist, “Instead of trying to get famous by dying over the ice bucket challenge, at least we get to die in a hotter climate with many people cheering us. People abroad also care less about Kashmiri terrorists as compared to the Middle East ones so TRP will be high if we do it there.”

Some of the Kashmiri terrorists have brought with them various Salman Khan movie DVDs as a goodwill gesture to prepare the ISIS volunteers to generously accept beheading as a blessing in disguise after watching them.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Friday faking release: Zinda

When faking death is no longer wrong.

Bangalore autodriver makes it to the Forbes list of millionaires

Bangalore. Mr. Muni Kariappa has been an auto driver for over 30 years and all his hard work had paid off when he was finally announced as a millionaire by Forbes today.

“I can’t believe it,” he said holding back his tears, “For so long I have been driving without bothering about signals, potholes, one ways, etc., and now I am rewarded for something so great. I never thought I could have hit the million mark already. I dedicate this great moment to all the people of Bangalore,” he continued and started abusing profusely due to work habit.

A policeman inspecting the millionaire auto to get a few lakhs as traffic violation fine

On asked how he managed to gain that much money he smiled and went on, “It’s my passion towards my customers which has helped me grow. I used to devise paths all around Bangalore. I used to have at least 4-5 routes per destination and I make sure I give the option of the longest and the second longest to make sure I get to spend a lot of time with my customers.”

“Customers are God,” he added.

Mr. Kariappa’s closest competitor, Mr. Sivam was an IT engineer who used to travel to his office every day in auto but upon realizing that the auto waalas were making more money than him, he quit his job and is now an auto driver himself.

“I make a lot of money driving to my old company. In fact, I laugh at all my ex-colleagues because now I earn more than them, get more sleep, and I get to see my family also. I even get a take-diversion hit-list from some of my colleagues so that when the specific people mentioned in the list board my auto, I make sure they reach super late to their destination,” he said in a fake American accent, which he believes helps in charging extra too.

Mr. Kariappa explained how his usual customers include foreign tourists and non Kannada speaking people from whom he gets more money.

“We are actually doing this for India,” he said sternly about taking extra money from foreigners, “We know how much these foreigners have stolen from our ancient glorious days so now we are taking revenge by charging extra in auto. We charge extra from non Kannada speaking people because we want our money back after spending it on watching Salman Khan movies.”

He also went on explaining about the glorious history of India for half an hour until interrupted by our reporter. He apologized stating that boring people with conversations was another one of his skills to extract more money as conversational charges. He also went on to explain how the rising petrol prices, crisis in Ukraine, problem with the Somalian pirates and Mars Rover’s exploration have caused them to charge extra.

After calculating some of the other auto driver’s revenue, Faking News can confirm that more millionaires would be present in the next year’s Forbes release.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

AAP claims coming back to life of Chandra Mohan Sharma a proof that God is with AAP

New Delhi. After failing to disassociate itself with the then-dead-now-alive RTI activist turned AAP member Chandra Mohan Sharma, AAP now claims that his coming back to life is a proof enough that god is with AAP and its members.

Rubbishing the reports that Chandra Mohan faked his death, party chief Arvind Kejriwal called it a ‘divine intervention that the RTI activist was among us today’.

“Bhaiyon uparwala hamaare saath hai”

“It is a miracle. Tell me one person who survived after being burnt to death. This proves that god/allah/bhagwan/waheguru is with us, and I appeal to Delhi voters to respect god and his wishes by voting for us whenever the elections happen,” Kejriwal argued as he warned Delhiites to ignore God’s wishes at their own peril.

Kejriwal showed Faking News this picture to show how Chandra Mohan Sharma was an active member of AAP, and how AAP’s candle march helped him being brought back to life.

When asked why did they earlier try to distance themselves from Sharma and claim he was not party’s member, Kejriwal shot back, “This is fact proves that we are not publicity hungry people. We just wanted logic to take its own course and did not in any way want undue media attention. But my conscience did not allow me to keep my fellow compatriots in dark for too long. Hence I decided to tell them the truth.”

Kejriwal further did not see anything wrong in Sharma being spotted in Nepal.

“What’s wrong in that? On the contrary we are glad that not just in India, but our selfless and dedicate members are now fighting for Swaraj and spreading core values of the party in other countries as well,” Kejriwal told our reporter.

This reporter later asked party leader Ashutosh for his comments on Chandra Mohan Sharma cheating death.

“Why are you using the term ‘cheating’? Are you Mudi agent?” Ashutosh retorted.

“Arvind Kejariwal is beautiful like Taj Mahal, and Chandra Mohan has Moon in his name. Taj Mahal needs Moon for its beauty. Ignore Mohan as India is a secular country. And RSS should be banned,” he concluded.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Girl asks boyfriend to buy her a Xiaomi mobile from Flipkart to prove his love

New Delhi. In an out of the box test of love and bonding, a local girl Priya Tyagi has asked his boyfriend to buy her a Xiaomi mobile from e-commerce website Flipkart.

Xiaomi mobiles, which are available only on Flipkart are infamous for getting sold out in just few seconds. While this has resulted into rumors of the website indulging in some scam or gimmick for publicity, the incident has prompted Priya to use it as a test to check strength of his boyfriend’s love for her.

“How about a real star instead of Xiaomi mobile?”

“He often claims to bring the stars and the moon for me. But, I am being very reasonable and asking only for a mobile,” argued Priya, “It’s time for him to walk the talk.”

However, sources close to Priya say that there could be another possible reason behind Priya’s over the top demand.

“A weeks back, one of her friends, Pooja, was gifted a Xiaomi mobile by her boyfriend. And Pooja kept telling Priya that considering the effort her boyfriend put to buy it, it made the mobile even more precious than the iPhone which Priya was carrying,” revealed a source, “This made Priya feel very insulted. Suddenly she started hating her much better Apple product, that too for a Chinese Apple product.”

On the other hand, no matter how seemingly impossible Priya’s demand is, her boyfriend Prem is ready to fulfill it.

“I am taking up the challenge to not win only Priya’s heart, but to win her father’s heart too,” said Prem, adding that Priya’s father was looking for a suitable boy for her who must have cleared some tough competitive exam.

“Around 2,00,000 customers had registered for the sale with only 20,000 pieces on offer. Getting this mobile is tougher than clearing IIT-JEE. While asking for Priya’s hand from her father, this feat of buying a Xiaomi will certainly compensate for my local engineering college degree,” an optimistic Prem claimed.

Inspired by Sheila Dixit, former cricketers resign from commentary to play again

Mumbai. Sheila Dikshit’s resignation from the post of Governor of Kerala seems to have inspired the recently retired lot of Indian cricketers who had a long and illustrious career. Many of those are now planning to come out of retirement.

Some of these retired cricketers, who later took up commentary like an engineer takes up MBA right after Engineering, now are nursing ambitions of donning Indian colors once again, just as Sheila Dikshit is being expected to lead Congress in upcoming Delhi assembly elections after resignation as governor.

“It is very much obvious. Why else would she resign from a post which is already an alternate resignation?” argued an ex-cricketer when told that Sheila was yet to confirm her return to Delhi Congress.

Last day as commentators?

Currently Indian cricket is in a very pathetic condition, which makes them comparable to Congress’ Delhi unit after Sheila Dikshit’s exit. These former cricketers feel that like the former Delhi CM, they too can revive in fortunes of the Indian cricket team.

Some of them also pointed to the unceremonious exit they had to endure a`la Sheila Dikshit.

“We too had to retire under severe public and media scrutiny following some disastrous overseas tours. We were made scapegoat just like Sheila ji was made for Delhi’s poor performance in assembly elections,” explained former fast bowler Ajit Agarkar, who is all set to come back as the lead fast bowler and solve all of India’s pace bowling woes.

However, just as the news reached Indian team in England, captain MS Dhoni rubbished the report and claimed that current set of players are still very much the boss and would carry on playing till next world cup in Australia.

Dhoni further pointed out that Sheila Dixit’s example can’t be applied in Indian team because India was not Pakistan, where retirement is a joke and a cricketer can retire and come out of it as many number of times he wants.

Meanwhile tainted cricketer Sreesanth, who himself is facing charges of corruption just like Sheila Dixit, is also hoping to make a comeback like the former governor of his state Kerala.

“Sheila ji’s comeback gives me a hope that just like people seem to have overlooked her involvement in Commonwealth scam; fans would have gotten over spot fixing scandal as well,” Sree quipped.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Taking a cue from BJP, BCCI drops Fletcher as coach, makes him “Marg Darshak”

Mumbai. Taking a cue from BJP’s decision where veteran leaders like Advani, Joshi, Vajpayee have been dropped from Parliamentary Board and instead made members of a separate body called Marg Darshak Mandal, BCCI has done something similar with coach Duncan Fletcher.

Fletcher has been made Marg Darshak of team India for the ongoing ODI series against England. But, experts believe that it might be plan B of BCCI, as post team’s pathetic performance in recently concluded test series Fletcher didn’t voluntarily resign from coach’s position.

“Is it a promotion?”

However, BCCI has clarified that the decision is not an attempt to belittle Fletcher’s importance, but rather a well thought move to use his vast coaching experience in a more efficient way.

“Marg Darshak is a really big position, way bigger than what media is interpreting it to be. Coach and Director are nothing in front of him. Fletcher will be more like a respected guru,” BCCI secretary Sanjay Patel told Faking News adding that Fletcher’s new job will be spiritual in nature.

“Every morning, Fletcher will be giving a cricket related discourse for 15 minutes teaching team members how to play better cricket,” Sanjay Patel continued.

Revealing future plans, a BCCI official further revealed that if players like Rohit Sharma and Kohli remained consistent with their current form they would be made Assistant Marg Darshak.

“Fletcher is 65 years old, they will assist him in conducting morning discourses,” he explained.

Boy impresses girl by seamlessly placing a complex pizza order at the pizza shop

Lucknow. Pintu, a cool dude in his early twenties impressed a local girl at the city pizza shop by seamlessly placing a complex pizza order without fumbling or stopping even for a second, and that too in slightly Italian accent.

Last evening Pintu with couple of his friends was at Pizza Ghar to celebrate a his birthday, where this incident took place.

“Wow, you even know names of all the sauces they have at Subway. I am impressed.”

“He walked up to the counter confidently and placed the most complicated and elaborate order I had ever heard with such a great panache, that everyone who heard him was simply amazed,” recalled Pinky, who was standing next to Pintu at the counter.

“He ordered half the BBQ Chicken with pineapple and the other half with peppers and something else which was so complex that I can’t even repeat that. I was in awe of his awareness about pizza names, toppings and dips. And his pronunciation was flawless! I was so lucky to be standing beside him,” Pinky narrated the most delicious experience she had at the pizza shop.

“He was class apart and reminded me of James Bond ordering a Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred,” an impressed Pinky concluded, further revealing that she had immediately asked Pintu for an autograph.

While everyone is amazed and in awe of him, Pintu says that it’s nothing new for him and such incidents happen with him on regular basis. But it’s not like he was always like this.

“Till a couple of years back I was a like a every other normal person, feeling shy of placing complicated pizza orders. I usually gave the task of ordering pizza to one of my friends, who was well aware of all the pizza related mumbo jumbo,” Pintu told Faking News.

“I still remember how I embarrassed I used to feel after seeing the counter sales boy speaking more confidently than me!” Pintu recalled his gloomy old days, “Once my girlfriend ditched me for one of such counter sales boy, as she thought he was more hip and cool than me.”

It was then, that Pintu decided to take charge of his life and emerge a winner. Pintu’s close friends say that a heartbroken Pintu memorized all pizza bases, topping names, their combinations, and even names of Italian cities. To further polish his knowledge, he finally joined a pizza shop for a month as a sales boy.

Although considered a complete man now, Pintu is still hungry for perfection. Latest reports suggest that he has already started working hard to achieve mastery over memorizing product catalogs and seamless pronunciation of high end luxury brands like Louis Vuitton, Hermes and Christian Dior.

Man applying for position of sales executive shocked after he was not asked to sell pen in the interview

A 24 year old man applying for position of sales executive in an MNC was shocked after he was not asked to sell pen or pencil even once during the entire selection process.

Bechmaar Ojha, who is academically an engineer and has done MBA in finance and operations, had taken the natural progression to go for a sales job during campus recruitment in his MBA institute last year.

Bechmaar was reading this before interview.

Being a true blue sales professional, he left his first job within 9 months and applied for a sales vacancy in an MNC.

Reportedly there were 4 rounds of interviews for that position, spanning over 2 weeks, which was going to pay 3 lakh pa.

“They didn’t ask me to sell pen in even one of those 4 interviews. Neither did they ask me any other technical or work related question,” Bechmaar Ojha recalled the interview.

“The interview was so relaxed that for a moment it seemed as if I had applied for some HR related position,” he went on to reveal.

Bechmaar, who had rigorously practiced selling a pen as a part of his preparation, at one point became so frustrated that he deliberately took out pen from his pocket and started waving it as if trying to divert interviewer’s attention towards it.

“I was giving them benefit of doubt and thought they might have forgotten to ask what is considered a scared question in any sales interview,” he explained.

The man is now having doubts if he should accept the job as he fears the financial condition of the company may not be that good.

“Well if the management couldn’t even afford a pencil for a sales interview, I doubt if they will be able to pay salaries and incentives on time,” Bechmaar argued.

Faking News also tried to get in touch with the HR and the sales head, who confirmed the news.

“We stopped asking people to sell pen in interview after a rather bad experience, where a candidate who was able to convince us into buying 10 pens, couldn’t even achieve 25% of his targets month after month,” the sales head told Faking News.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Indian team starts practicing after being left with no one else to blame for poor peformance

Left with no option but to sweat it out.

England. After blaming pitches, coaches, IPL, ICC, weather, wives, girlfriends, children, distant relatives, rabbits, etc., Indian cricket team has finally started focusing on improving their cricket as they remotely feel there could be some problems with their way of playing as well, besides above mentioned factors.

“It was only yesterday, when we realized that we were left with absolutely nothing else to lay blame for our future defeats on. So we finally decided to start practicing,” the team’s official spokesperson confirmed.

“Ravi bhai (the team’s new director cum elder brother Ravi Shastri) had even tried if he could some how link the team’s batting troubles with Iraq’s ISIS and bowling woes with Hamas. But, later he gave up as the team’s problems seem to be more complicated than the militant groups,” the spokesperson added.

When asked why the wives and girlfriends of players were asked to leave, he reasoned, “If the team is failing continuously, some one needs to take the responsibility and move out.”

Duncan Fletcher was not available for comment.

AAP to file RTI to know where the deposit money forfeited by them is being used

New Delhi. After having contributed massive amount of money through forfeiture of deposit in elections so far, AAP has now filed an RTI to know how and where is the money being used by the Election Commission.

Soon after AAP’s candidate lost his deposit in the just concluded Patiala by-elections, it struck their Stats Specialist Yogendra Yadav, that the party must have contributed of lot through this fashion by now.

He immediately did a quick internal survey and found that AAP as a party has made tremendous contribution to the exchequer by not just losing elections but losing them badly enough.

Arvind showing an estimate of the total amount AAP may have forfeited in deposits by now.

“We have contributed so much in the form of deposit forfeiture in both Lok Sabha and by-polls, that we want to know if that money is being used for welfare of people; if any subsidies are being given through that money or not,” Yogendra Yadav explained the reason behind filing an RTI.

“We have solid evidence that suggests that our money is being consumed by corrupt bureaucrats and politicians of BJP,” Yadav went on to claim.

Yadav however argued that losing deposit was a positive sign and showed how patriotic AAP as a party was.

“Shame on other political parties, specifically the BJP, who have probably made the lowest contribution towards losing deposits,” senior leader Ashutosh pointed out, “This once again proves that Modi is a heartless autocrat who doesn’t care for poor people.”

“We promise to work hard and continue serving more aam aadmis through this manner, even if it requires losing more elections,” Ashutosh further announced, amidst loud cheers from volunteers and supporters gathered at Jantar Mantar and Twitter.

Ashutosh further claimed that such forfeiture of deposits by AAP has led to increase in GDP of the country and hence it was AAP that was bringing the acche din promised by BJP.

When pointed out by our reporter that he was being theoretically incorrect and GDP doesn’t grow like that, he labelled him a paid agent of Modi.

Meanwhile after filing RTI, AAP is now wondering whether it should mock BJP for its relatively poor performance in Bihar by-polls. Sources tell Faking News that BJP is planning to do the same and Twitter could see the mockery later today.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Five things to do to counter boredom of your monotonous job and to bring excitement to your life

Faking News brings to you five simple ways to add excitement and fun to your otherwise boring office life. Follow them to feel yourself alive, once again.

Yes, you can.

1. Please avoid using bikes, cars and other vehicles for office commute. Instead, buy a horse or an elephant, and if there is some financial trouble, even a pony will do. Reaching office riding on any of these majestic animals with a laptop bag on your back will not only set you apart from the crowd, but will also help in bringing down pollution. Chances are high that your female colleagues will be asking for a lift to take a ride on your horse or elephant.

2. Stop using elevators and stairs, and learn to climb up to your office floor like Spiderman or using ropes. It will be better if you take some mountaineering course. The adrenaline rush caused by getting involved in such adventure task every morning is surely going to cheer you up for the rest of the day. Doing such dangerous act before entering office will also prepare you mentally to take up any possible dangerous project inside office.

3. Request your boss to directly engage in physical fight with you instead of writing cold emails. Try your best to be at the receiving end, as the feeling of getting beaten up badly is quite liberating. And besides that, it will make your boss happy, which is good for your career. This way, your day at office will be unforgettable and worth remembering.

4. Make your life inside office further interesting by changing the way normal things happen. Break traditional rules like sitting on chair while working. Sit on the floor or on the table and take shower in office bathroom. Dance for 2 minutes on a regular interval. After reaching office make yourself comfortable like home; if possible, change your clothes and wear only shorts and vest. These steps will keep you relaxed and will further increase your productivity.

5. No matter how boring your work is, think of it as some kind of secret mission to save the world from getting destroyed. This will give you feel of being a superhero like Superman. Or if your are working for some foreign client, imagine yourself as someone who is representing India and you have to keep national pride intact by giving your best.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Friday faking release: Pardes

Indian Team wating for its sequel, ie: Swades

Mallya to open bars in unused Kingfisher planes at Kerala border, following state’s prohibition plans

Bangalore. After Kerala government announced its plans to ban alcohol in the state, liquor baron Dr. Vijay Mallya is taking preemptive measures to boost his business. The UB Group chairman has decided to use grounded planes from the fleet of virtually defunct Kingfisher Airlines to open bars at Kerala border.

The unused airplanes were turning out to be a big headache for Mallya because even scrap dealers were not ready to buy those, but Kerala government plans forced him to think out of the box.

Ready to become a bar.

“Kerala becoming a dry state is otherwise a bad news for the IMFL industry, but we are seeing this as an opportunity,” Mallya told Faking News, “Once prohibition is in place, Kerala people will travel out of state to buy alcohol, and that’s why we are planning to open our own liquor shops at Karnataka-Kerala border.”

“Initially I thought to rent some shops, but then this idea to use airplanes from Kingfisher fleet struck my mind,” he added, “Necessity is the mother of invention.”

To begin with, UB group will be using 10 airplanes and place it at a stretch of 10 km across the border. “That stretch will be known as Kingfisher Barlines,” disclosed Dr. Mallya.

Mallya further disclosed that Kingfisher Barlines will be different from other typical bars. There will be 15 drinking sessions in one day, each session of one hour. For each session, customers will have to book tickets in advance.

“My dream is to make common man sit inside plane at an affordable rate. Book ticket for an hour session in just Rs. 1000 and get 4 beers along with a chance to sit inside a plane,” said former King of good times sharing his dream to reclaim the position.

Each session will begin with a bartender showing customers how to make drink, and measures to take if one gets over-drunk. This will be similar to air-hostesses coming up with safety instructions.

“Fastening seat-belt will be mandatory after 5 pegs of drink. And in case one feels like vomiting, they can use the polybag placed below their seats,” Mallya gave out the details of the new bars.

“Customers sitting in business class will be charged more, and they will get complimentary and unlimited chakhna and namkeen,” Mallya clarified that people shouldn’t expect freebies without paying, like they used to have free pens and earphones in the Kingfisher Airlines.

Sources tell Faking News that the UB Group is having high hopes from his proposed “Kingfisher Barlines” business, and if it becomes a success, such bars will be opened all across the country.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Gujarati bootleggers looking to expand business in Kerala as state may impose prohibition

Ahmedabad. Good news for those looking for jobs and have a talent for subterfuge. Kerala’s recent decision to phase in prohibition has opened a tremendous job opportunity in the bootlegging sector.

Gujaratis, who are anyway in large numbers in the southern state selling spices to its own people, are especially thrilled.

“Bootlegging is one of our core competencies. We will bring our experience and best-in-class practices to ensure satisfactory last-mile delivery to our clients,” said a Surti businessman settled in Kochi, who clearly has been wrapping his spices with the pages of a Philip Kotler.

They could soon need a new destination

If sources are to be believed, a contingent from the Alcohol Dealers and Distributors Involving Concealed Technologies (ADDICT) has arrived in Kerala to do a reconnaissance and market research.

This involves speaking to the local population, scouting out ‘handover spots’ and learning to pronounce various brands with an accent – such as ‘Joni Wogger’ and ‘Indus Bride’.

“Kerala is quite well known for drinking, and we see tremendous potential here,” said a leader of the contingent, who refused to give his name but offered his number (call after 9 from landline only please).

Ironically, the average Malayalee is not perturbed by the possibility of prohibition at all. In fact, most of them look forward to the professional bootleggers.

“Earlier, we had to stand in a bloody queue at state-marketed liquor shops,” said Sandeep Nair, a second-year engineering college student alluding to the infamous BevCo, “But now, we can have home delivery. For long, we have envied our brethren in Gujarat and Bombay. Now we have this world-class treatment coming to the upset liver of the country!”

“Acchhe din aa gaye!” Sandeep told Faking News.

The bootleggers too consider it achche din and have promised to provide jobs to local youth once they have learnt tricks of the trade. Experts believe that this could trigger a political war between BJP and Congress over claiming credit for job creation.

In a possibly related move, about a hundred bars have been set up just inside the Tamil Nadu border in the last few hours.

We are still unsure about whether the prohibition includes other parts of the Republic of Kerala, such as the UAE, Muscat, and Bahrain.

Meanwhile Sreesanth, sadly, was unavailable for comment.

Indian team to lose test matches inside one day after BCCI restricts stay of wives and girlfriends

England. Indian team seems to have found a way out of the BCCI ban and time restrictions imposed on players’ girlfriends and wives respectively, which was proposed after the disastrous test series against England.

To make sure that the period of their wives’ stay doesn’t get over before the match does, Indian team has decided to wrap up all the future test matches inside one day.

Having already achieved the feat of wrapping up two test matches inside 3 days in the just concluded test series, Indian team is confident it will be able to lose in one day, provided players realize their full potential and play according to it.

Anything to spend time with loved ones.

“It is not something that we will have to work very hard for. We are almost there. Little more effort and we can show the cricketing world a new format of the game, i.e. a T20 test match,” Dhoni told Faking News amidst loud cheers from team members.

“We just need to be little more out of focus and results will follow,” Dhoni told his boys while giving high five to wife Sakshi.

Indian team denies that it is being selfish, and instead argues that by doing so they are sending a strong message to their fans that nothing in this world is more important than one’s family and relationships; not even work.

To achieve this feat, Indian team is planning to have extended sessions with coach Duncan Fletcher, without whose misguidance team agrees that it would never be able to get there.

Dhoni has further directed his fast bowlers to take services of Venkatesh Prasad (who has the talent to convert even Dale Steyn into Ashok Dinda), while the likes of Rohit Sharma, Suresh Raina have just been advised to play their natural game by the captain.

Latest reports suggest that BCCI is reconsidering their decision after there were rumors of Virat Kohli and Anushka Sharma deciding to marry so that Anushka gets promoted from ‘Girlfriend’ to ‘Wife’ category.

It is not clear why BCCI wants to stop this marriage.