Thursday, March 19, 2015

Man on dieting sues restaurant owner after finding huge discounts on dishes he likes

New Delhi. Ram Kapoor, a 36-year-old man with 52-inch waist decided to go on a controlled diet to lose some flab after 58 weeks of introspection. However, his dieting plan was derailed within 48 hours of its start.


Ram cancelled his dieting plan after realizing that he had an opportunity to have discounted lunches and dinners at a local restaurant.


“The food here is great, and now they are also offering discounts,” Ram Kapoor told Faking News while having his sixth lunch in the last two weeks at the same restaurant.


A foodie

Just one burger more won’t harm, Ram Kapoor would always think.



Kapoor had decided to go on a diet to lose weight after he failed to find attractive discounts on gymnasium memberships in his locality. While searching for gym discounts, he came across Kotak bank offers on restaurants, and thus cancelled his plans of dieting.


After dining at his favourite restaurant several times, the foodie, as his Twitter bio reads, is now planning to sue the restaurant for spoiling his dieting plans.


“At a time when I should have been dropping flab off my belly, I was dropping kebabs in my belly,” he rued.


Ram is justifying his decision to sue, by claiming that it was a part of the restaurant owner’s “conspiracy”.


“I know the restaurant owner. He’s like a friend. I had even told him that I was going on a diet and thus will visit the restaurant rarely,” Kapoor claimed.


“The restaurant owner lured me with the Kotak card discounts to make sure that his business doesn’t go down as I was responsible for 10% of his entire business! What a cheat!” he added.


The restaurant owner has, on his part, clarified that it was Kotak bank’s tie up and that they were just partners, so they can’t be held liable.


But Kapoor is insistent that the restaurant was at fault.


He plans to seek Rs. 30 lakhs from the restaurant owner as damages.


Justifying the compensation amount, Kapoor explained, “I was hoping to travel economy class after getting slimmer, now I’ll have to travel business class. That is the kind of money I will be losing.”


“I will refund the money that I have saved through the discounts once the restaurant pays the damages,” he concluded.



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In Tweets: India vs Bangladesh Quarter-Final World Cup match

It all started with it becoming clear that India and Bangladesh will play each other



Then somebody spread the rumor in Bangladeshi dressing room (wish they later wished had been true)



Indian won the toss and decided to bat, but coming back from New Zealand, batsmen found the MCG ground too big



Rohit was back to his confident best



But Kohli got out cheaply



It later became clear that Kohli’s inning was a tribute to Anushka’s NH10



Then with 3 quick wickets in succession, things became slow



So slow that..



Then better sense prevailed



Raina and Rohit both started exploding



And just when India started gaining momentum, Rain gods intervened



Then rain went, so did Raina



But Rohit and India team had umpires on its side





Thanks to umpire and his talent, Rohit smashed a ton



And marriage proposals for the young lad started flowing in



Then Dhoni got out, but why worry when Sir is there



And thanks to Sir



It was time for Bangladesh’s chase, and they started with few successive fours, that made viewers wonder



With Tamim caught behind by Dhoni, Umpires again got their act together



And soon there was a brilliant run out by Sir as the Bangladeshi batsmen got confused



With it started the downfall of Bangladesh



But Sir Jadeja displayed his heart of gold while bowling



And as expected Bangladesh lost, striking fears among Gunday fan club in India



Also it was time to live up to your word tweet



Time for semi finals



But most probably professional Australian team will ensure this




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  2. Now Bangladesh reveals decade long match fixing scandal

  3. Pictures: How Indian team is preparing for their match against South Africa

  4. Bangladesh says it wants to win the World Cup for Ganguly

  5. 5 reasons why Kohli got out cheaply against Bangladesh today


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Touching IIN enabled smartphone to forehead will now transfer digital content directly to brain

Mumbai: Are you a college student who feels sufficiently lazy to cram thousands of pages of textbooks even in last few hours before exam? Do you have toddlers who hate to identify animal by names or fail to learn hundreds of rhymes? Well, IIN may finally have an elegant solution for you.


A team of research scientists at Idea Innovation and Research (IIR) Centre have developed a cutting edge tech-feature that will allow users to directly transfer digital content such as movies, videos, high definition images and audio-books etc. to their brains using their IIN enabled phones. The IIN users in near future will just have to touch the phone to their forehead and close their eyes as if praying and any content as large as 1 GB will be transferred to the brain within seconds. This feature is reportedly being called IIN Enabled Content Replenishment (IIN-ENCORE).


Senior research analyst at IIR-Centre Dr. Digvijay Gandhi provided further details to reporters on this hi-tech feature.


Exploring new heights!

Exploring new heights!



“The original thought behind IIN-ENCORE came to one of us while watching the IIN advertisements. Those advertisements clearly tell us that people are continuously trying to bang their foreheads to the phones after they are not able to learn anything despite hours of web surfing on their mobile networks. Hence we decided to turn this head-banging activity into a data transfer exercise, which will cut down the learning effort as well as the user frustration. Hence we started working on a project where in we planned to reconfigure the IIN networks to enable direct content transfer to brain, and now this feature is almost ready,” he said.


Providing further details Dr. Gandhi said, “Let me now talk about how exactly this feature will work. Once available in the android market this IIN-ENCORE could easily be downloaded and installed. It can then be switched ON in the “network settings” section of the phone. Once you switch the feature ON and the touch the phone to your forehead, the IIN network will generate certain magnetic impulses. These impulses will then convert any webpage content on the phone into small but powerful electrical signals. These powerful signals will then be sent directly through your forehead to the frontal lobe, which is an area of the brain sitting right behind the forehead at the front of each cerebral hemisphere. Frontal lobe is just like a short-term memory storage disk. Once the data transfer is complete user will have access to all the data inside his or her brain that too inside their active short term memory for easy access and use. So now say bye to learning, and start IIN-Encoring.”


Another researcher Dr. Rahul Singh who has worked very closely with the project team on IIN-ENCORE gave a teaser trailer about another hi-tech feature which the team is working on.


“We have long believed that reality is nothing but electrical signals interpreted by our brain. And the same electrical signals form the basis for ENCORE feature. Consequently we are working on taking it to the next level. Our next feature will be called ENCORE-TOOTH an advanced version of Bluetooth, using which people would be able to interact with each other without speaking. This feature would work over short distance and people’s thoughts would be transferred using brainwaves riding on IIN’s electrical signals. This feature is still in design phase and we will be providing more details on this shortly,” Dr. Singh concluded with a mysterious smile.



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Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Unable to decide whom to support in Q-Finals, new Bangladeshi immigrant prays for a tie

Kolkata: Najeeb Khan who has recently started working as expatriate laborer at a construction site near Salt Lake city in Kolkata is living in a state of grave confusion. He is torn on which team to support for the upcoming India vs Bangladesh world cup quarter final match on Wednesday, and this internal tussle is giving him sleepless nights.


His confusion stems from the fact that he was a Bangaldeshi citizen 1 week back but is an Indian citizen now and hence he is clueless on his patriotic stance. Unfortunately he is not alone. He is one of the hundreds of illegal Bangladeshi immigrants who are facing the same intense internal conflict just because they are passionate cricket supporters and their homeland has been switched overnight.


Najeeb and hundreds like him were Bangladeshi citizens till one week back and being avid cricket fans they were supporting each and every win of Bangaldeshi cricket team with extreme passion and fervor. But last week when they were immigrated to India and were provided with an Indian passport, Ration card and Voter id card within 2 days of their arrival, many of them suffered a serious case of identity crises. Many of them were reportedly shocked at the speed at which their nationality was changed and were unable to come to terms with their own selves.


Talking to our reporter over phone, Najeeb opened his heart and voiced the deep psychological issues he and many of his fellow immigrants are facing:


Confusion writ large on their body languages.

Confusion writ large on their body languages.



FN Reporter: Hi Najeeb


Najeeb: Salaam saab. Saab do I have to talk in English? I know only little English.


FN Reporter: Don’t worry, we will translate everything, be comfortable.


Najeeb: Ok sir.


FN Reporter: Najeeb we know it’s hard for you, but our readers want to know what you are going through?


Najeeb: We were not prepared for all this saab, it is as simple as that. I was a simple construction worker in Dhaka, who had no job. But one day my whole world changed, my nation changed. Last week, before we were brought to India, we were told it would take good amount of time for “them” to get our papers ready. But I was shocked at the speed at which my nationality was changed after we arrived. Within two days we got our whole new nationality-kit. It’s good that nation-changing facilities are so fast here and this country cares for skilled resources such as us, but certain things are close to our heart and are difficult for us to forget.”


Reporter: What are those things?


Najeeb: Cricket, it’s the toughest one. I am torn between whom to support now? India or Bangladesh? I mean I respect Dhoni sir a lot, he is a superhero, but can I just forget Mortaza bhai? Can I cheer for Kohli the same way I cheered for Shakib Al hasan? When Shami runs to bowl his first over will my heartbeat run as fast as it does when Rubel does that run? I don’t know the answer to these questions. I am very confused.


Reporter: That’s indeed a serious matter. Now that both teams are meeting for quarter finals on Wednesday. Who are you supporting?


Najeeb: I .. I just can’t decide. I was in Bangaldesh last week gunning for our cricket team, now I am in India. Should I start bleeding blue now, or should I still cheer for those lovely greens? It is all beyond me. I only pray to God that the match is a tie, I can’t just bear this conflict inside of me, I am getting torn apart. I may not even watch the match, but just check score on web every few seconds.


Reporter: Najeeb one last question….


Najeeb: If you don’t mind can we do this a little later. The thing is that I still haven’t been able to obtain a local sim card despite multiple tries at different shops so I am still on roaming and incoming is being charged.


Reporter: So you have got a ration card, passport and voter id, but you couldn’t get a sim-card as yet? That does say something. Anyhow Najeeb it was great talking to you, hope you find the solution to your internal conflicts and come to peace with yourself.


Najeeb: Thank you saab, I do feel lighter after this conversation. Bye.



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  4. Unable to come up with idiotic hashtag, news channel drops coverage of major news event

  5. Now Bangladesh reveals decade long match fixing scandal


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New matrimony site ties up with credit rating agencies to help in better matchmaking

New Delhi. A new matrimony site has been launched that claims not only to match prospective brides and grooms based on their interests and backgrounds, but also help them in running the marriage without the risk of bankruptcy.


“Every website these days is making sure they don’t have frauds or fake profiles, so we decided to look for another USP,” Rupesh Kumar, the founder of click2marry.com told Faking News.


match making

Find love, and what it means to your pocket.



“We finally realized that the real challenge of a marriage was running it successfully – both emotionally and financially – than hunting for prospective partners,” he added.


Rupesh claimed that this research team studied data of various married couples who had run into rough weathers within 3 years of marriage, and he realized that many of these had to do with having bad financial management than any emotional or family problems.


“See, you may end up marrying a person who spends more on buying new phones even before the new salary has been credited. He is not a fraud, but this could make your marriage unsustainable,” he gave an example.


“A person’s credit-worthiness has to be one of the 36 gunas astrologers and priests match before marriage,” he said, “Since that is not going to happen easily, we have tied with credit rating agencies to help a person discover the financial prudence of the person they are considering for alliance.”


Click2Marry will warn a user with negative credit ratings to select a person with a similar rating, even if the user finds all other attributes quite appealing, as this could result in a certain bankrupt marriage.


“We are not barring people with negative ratings from registering on the website,” the founder clarified, “Everybody has a right to marry!”


Users have mostly reacted positively to this new feature the new website. However, some serial credit card defaulters are worried that they may remain forever alone.


“What if this website has also tied up with recovery agents?” one such defaulter expressed his concerns, “Maybe the recovery agents will call up the father of the girl whom I choose and tell him about my pending bills. This is bad!”



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Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Sri Lankan batsmen successfully put just woken up fans to sleep again

Colombo. Many Sri Lankan fans who woke up to watch their country’s quarter final match with South Africa found themselves sleeping once again after following the Sri Lankan innings.


“Since the match was starting from 9 am, missing out on sleep was the last of our concern. But even after waking up fresh from an 8 hour sleep, I just could not keep myself awake watching Kumar Sangakkara play the kind of innings that can put Akash Chopra to shame,” claimed an Sri Lankan fan who was woken up by his boss on work desk.


Even women who are normally disinterested in cricket, found themselves dozing off.

Even women who are normally disinterested in cricket, found themselves dozing off.



While many fans echoed his sentiments, some others who boast about not needing enough sleep to confessed to getting sleepy.


“I am a very active kind of guy who hardly needs any afternoon nap or anything after I have slept during night. But watching Sri Lankan innings, I could hardly control myself and found myself getting dizzy many a times,” revealed another fan who wanted his identity to be kept under wraps, to avoid embarrassment within friend circle.


As the word spread, many insomniacs too switched on their TV sets in the hope getting the sleep that had eluded them so far.


“It’s being long since there has been a test match. We are thankful to Sri Lankan team for addressing our concerns at such an important platform and doing the needful,” one such insomniac told Faking News.


Meanwhile these fans claimed that they would get up just in time to catch the whirlwind innings of AB de Villiers.


“He has it in him to hold even the likes of HD Deve Gowda from going off to sleep,” said a man from Karnataka who was rooting for Sri Lanka in this match



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Saturday, March 14, 2015

10 Wacky Answers the Nation came up with to the question #WhyArnobSoLoud

It’s a question that gets India’s imagination running faaar and wide. The answers of course can make you roll with laughter. #WhyArnobSoLoud recently took the world wide web by by storm. Here are some of them that India wanted you to know.


1.He wants even the remotest of villages in the nooks and crannies of India to know.


2. His wife loves hearing the loud drone of the Vacuum Cleaner but he wants to save electricity.


3. Silence of the Lambs is not his favorite movie.


Ornob

13 is not enough. Nation wants to know the real reason.



4. He likes being one of a crowd and crowds are always loud.


5. He doesn’t have anything to hide, especially not his voice.


6. He believes in words speaking louder than actions


7. He always wanted to be a percussionist and this was the only way he could sound like one.


8. He wants to touch the whole of India with his Voice.


9. He is too bored to hold a microphone.


10. He wants to hear the sound of how awesome he is


11. He wants to match his vibes with the Martians


12. He trying hard to contact the Martians and get them to answer all his questions on his show first.


13. He is competing with the neighbours who are playing Music all night long.


So what do you think? In a few moments find out here on Twitter #whyArnobSoLoud



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