Faking News - leading news satire website of India: March 2015

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Rajesh Garg says he smelled rat when calls were made by AAP in the name of Manmohan Singh

New Delhi. Former AAP MLA Rajesh Garg who earlier today alleged that he received fake calls in the name of Arun Jaitely and Nitin Gadkari, asking him to support BJP few months back, claims that he smelled rat when one of the callers on the phone identified himself as Manmohan Singh.

As per Garg, after Kejriwal ordered calls to be made to him and other MLAs to show BJP was indulging in horse trading and poaching, he, in order to maintain neutrality, also asked his aide cum loyalist Sanjay Singh to get few fake calls made from Congress representatives as well.

Garg laughed his ass out, when caller identified himself as Manmohan

But AAP members being AAP members, of all the leaders in Congress, they chose Manmohan’s name, which made Rajesh suspicious and he knew it was a hoax.

“Truth be told, initially I was stunned and honored to be the first person to whom Manmohan sir has chose to speak to. But as the realization dawned, I knew this can’t be true,” the former MLA from Rohini disclosed to the Faking News reporter.

“There was no Theek Hai, no words about Rahul Gandhi ji’s leadership, I mean that’s not the Manmohan this world or I know,” he further argued.

“Also do you really think a person who did open his mouth for 10 years, when he was PM, would do so when he is not one anymore,” he asked.

Rajesh Garg claims that Kejriwal and the caller knew Mahmohan Singh’s persona inside out and just tried to take advantage of that.

“Taking Manmohan’s name was safest option for them, as knowing him really well, even if the news reached his ears, he would do nothing to counter this allegation,” Rajesh Garg explained.

Man found congratulating Saina Nehwal on Twitter while watching highlights of some India Zimbabwe cricket match on TV

Mumbai. A 26 year old man whose tweet congratulating Saina Nehwal was retweeted some 150 times, was later found having the tweeted the tweet while watching highlights of an old India-Zimbabwe match on Star Cricket.

In a series of tweets, Tanmay first hailed Saina Nehwal’s achievement of becoming No 1 player in the world in Bandminton rankings and then criticized those who were still tweeting about World Cup.

“It’s sad that an icon like Saina Nehwal has taken birth in a country where sports means only cricket. Sad!” read one of the sample tweets from Tanmay’s TL.

Tanmay likes Saina in this pose.

The tweet received replies, favorites and RTs from a number of girls on twitter, who also started following Tanmay.

He then went ahead and posted same on his Facebook wall, all this while watching Ajay Jadeja smash Henry Olonga for boundaries in Harare.

The truth about him came to light, when a selfie he later posted after those tweets on twitter had a cricket match being played on TV in the background.

“That’s when I went to his room and I caught him watching highlights of a 90s match,” his roommate, who exposed Tanmay on twitter and Facebook, revealed.

“I mean even if he was watching an India-Pakistan game, it would have been understandable, but watching a Indo-Zim game and then tweeting shit about cricket fans is what got on my nerves,” his roommate argued.

Tanmay in his defense said that he was trying to understand what is that cricket crazy fans in India find interesting in these highlights, leave alone LIVE matches.

“And look even otherwise, I am not one of those hypocrites who watch badminton matches on TV. A sporting icon like Sania Nehwal deserves to be watched LIVE in a stadium,” Tanmay told Faking News.

Meanwhile Shiv Sena impressed with this whole incident has offered Tanmay a job to head the content team at their mouthpiece Saamna.

Facebook wall of Yogendra Yadav after his rift with Kejriwal

And then Yogendra went on to do some Internal Surveys.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Facebook wall of Salman Khan’s driver after he takes responsibility for hit and run case

Driver ho toh aisa.

Engineering student forgets where he hid a condom four years ago

New Delhi. In a bizarre incident that has left almost everyone shocked, a final year engineering college student couldn’t find a packet of condom he had hidden in his hostel room around four years ago.

This failure by Kamdev Verma, a 21-year-old mechanical engineer, has confused and shocked everyone related to engineering and biology streams.

“Why did he even try to find something? Have you seen how does a hostel room of an engineering student look? Even if you put any elephant, it will get lost!” a fellow engineering student expressed his shock.

Others are not sure why would an engineering student need a condom.

“An engineer? And that too a mechanical engineer! Seriously? For what? Carrying nuts and bolts in a portable polythene bag?” a second year engineering student shot back, “Kamdev is clearly lying. I think he never had any condoms to begin with.”

But Kamdev Verma claims that he indeed had bought a pack of Skore condoms when he got admission. He thought his days of being a “mamma’s boy” was over and he was on his way to become a man in an engineering college.

“A bhaiyya in my colony said that I will get many opportunities. So I secretly bought a condom and hid it in a book. Now I can’t find it,” Kamdev told Faking News, though he refused to disclose if he indeed got any “opportunity”.

“I had hidden it in a book, because that’s the best place where no one would have know about it,” he said, “After all, not many engineering students open books!”

“And it was a special book. I bought it along with the packet of condoms,” he revealed, “No one had even the faintest of the idea of what it contained inside.”

This is where Kamdev had smartly hid the condoms, but now he can’t find the book.

Sources (his friends) say that Kamdev was smiled at by a local girl who had come to the campus to take part in the ongoing cultural festival. This filled the young man with hope of scoring.

“Yes, he was very excited!” Kamdev’s roommate disclosed, “The cultural festival ends tomorrow. I think the poor guy has lost all opportunity and he will graduate with no experience.”

“He will have to be happy with those 100 GB of hard disk experience only,” he added with a win.

Latest reports suggest that Kamdev was frantically trying to recall if he had mistakenly given ‘the book’ to someone.

“It was a book on social sciences. I had chosen them among all the options as a normal engineer would have found it too boring to check the inside pages,” he recalled, “But shit! Looks like my dad took it with him when he was here during last vacations.”

“Oh god! I hope he didn’t try to read it!” he dreaded, “Or I will get to open that kind of book only after I get married.”

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Man turns politician after addressing a large crowd in Delhi Metro

New Delhi. A man achieved immeasurable feet by turning into a politician after he ‘accidentally’ addressed a large crowd on a Delhi Metro station. The common man achieved the feet unintentionally, sources confirm.

It all started after the man slipped on a banana peel while boarding the Metro. He got annoyed and started cursing the system and the government, drawing immediate and rapt attention from onlookers and fellow passengers.

The impromptu speech started when the man uttered a universally acceptable incestuous word aka Jaime Lannister against the Indian government (which every Indian somehow relates to). Then the man started blaming the government for everything from increased crimes to potholes to reservations.

The first rally by FML

The message soon resonated with the thousands of passersby travelling via Rajiv Chowk Metro station (which other metro station has so many people?) and the crowd started gathering around to listen him.

The man identified as Fukre ‘Mika’ Lal, is being referred as FML by his supporters.

He has now gathered a lot of attention to be considered a relevant game changer in upcoming political scene, claims the overly enthusiastic Indian media. The party that FML established at the Metro station has been named DARD (Desi Aadmi Rona Dhona) party.

A Faking News reporter present on sight was able to talk to one of the people in the crowd. On asking what made has made the common man so impressed by FML, he said, on conditions of anonymity, “Well, to be honest it was me who had thrown that banana peel on which he almost slipped and killed himself. But he successfully blamed the system and the government. I think this impressed everyone, not only me.”

Meanwhile BJP chief Amit Shah has already started strategizing against FML and has called him a “Naxalite” lest DARD starts winning elections.

Arvind Kejriwal too is all set to schedule a press conference where he is expected to present staggering evidence against FML for his involvement in “multiple” scams, thus leaving him and his party as the only genuine party that can blame the system.

FML reacted to all this by saying “Tum dono se na ho paayega.”

Saturday, March 28, 2015

BCCI to buy New Zealand country ahead of #CWC15 final

Mumbai. BCCI today has announced that the board is in talks with the government of New Zealand to buy the country and make her become the first colony of Republic of India. The decision was taken by the board after Indian cricket team’s dismal performance against Australia, in the world cup semi-final match.

“It is a well known fact that BCCI is the richest sports body in the world. But, little does everyone know that we have enough money to buy countries. Talks are on with the government of New Zealand, in fever pitch, to close the deal prior to Sunday, the 29th of March, for India to emerge victorious in #CWC15,” the BCCI spokesperson bowled over Faking News correspondent with his opening spell.

“dene ka bhav bolo”

“The decision to select New Zealand was a no brainer. Even with all our cash might, we still cannot afford an Australia. The country is just too big. Bigger than India! That leaves us with only one choice to bat for New Zealand. Know what? It is only one tenth of the size that of India,” BCCI spokesperson explained the inside story about the decision.

When Faking News correspondent gently informed that the per capita of New Zealand is about 25 times greater to that of India’s, the BCCI spokesperson gave a kind of stare that would make even Einstein appear stupid. “Who cares about India’s per capita? At BCCI, it is board’s per capita and it is a few thousand times higher than that of New Zealand’s. With no further match-fixing in IPL, we still can buy a couple of more New Zealand and add another West Indies just for the kicks,” stumped the spokesperson.

“I know! You are going to ask the inevitable question: ‘What if New Zealand loses the final?’ We have thought thru this very elaborately and have a backup plan to handle such an outcome. Since we cannot buy Australia, talks are already on with every individual of the Australian cricket team, including the support staff. In the mostly likely event of an Aussie win, the guys who walk up to hold the trophy will all be Indian Aadhaar card holders,” the BCCI spokesperson concluded the grand scheme to the sports columnist of Faking News, a cricket enthusiast himself, leave wondering whom to support on Sunday’s final of #CWC15.

Quota activist stops consuming milk products to stay away from anything “creamy-layer”

New Delhi: Veteran quota activist and minority rights evangelist Animesh Bhasudia shocked his twitter followers yesterday evening by tweeting that he would not be consuming any milk products ever in his life again. This tweet led to a lot of heated arguments among his followers on twitter, speculating that Mr. Bhasudia is now planning to leave his fight for minority groups and will be switching over to cow rights and other animal right causes.

Bhasudia however deleted that particular tweet later and clarified through further tweets that his original tweet was being misinterpreted. He clearly stated that he is discontinuing the consumption of milk products because he wants to stay away from anything that generates a creamy layer. He also assured his followers that he is still committed to the cause of discovering newer communities to join the list of communities that would be needing aid and help from government to flourish.

Bhasudia’s latest agenda.

Our reporter caught up with Mr. Bhasudia for an exclusive interview at his Bungalow in New Delhi.

FN Reporter: Namaskaar Mr. Bhasudia

Mr. Bhasudia: Morning, morning.

FN Reporter: Sir, you openly declared on twitter yesterday and said that you won’t be consuming any milk products from now on. What was all that about?

Bhasudia: Oh that innocuous tweet was blown out of the proportion by some zealous followers. I explained that to everyone yesterday itself. What I meant by that tweet was that I hate any kind of conversations about creamy layers hence I want to stay away from any type of objects that generate a creamy layer.

FN Reporter: But why do you hate the creamy layer so much?

Bhasudia: Do you ever drink milk? How exactly do you feel when a glass of milk is kept outside for a few minutes and the cream starts floating on top of it? … I’ll tell you how I feel. I feel disgusted. I feel like the environment has sucked up a part of the amount of milk I wanted to consume and now I have less milk left to consume. I just hate the whole procedure. It feels like someone has undermined my rights to completely consume a resource. Because when I own something I want it completely, without any clauses, laws, rules and checks etc.

FN Reporter: Hmm. So you have left the consumption of milk all together?

Bhasudia: Nope, I have moved onto Soya milk now, a higher quality resource, no one can steal my rights from me now. Not even the creamy layer can.

FN Reporter: Do you know that a private jet also leaves a “creamy layer” of smoke behind when it flies?

Bhasudia: I don’t see how this question is related to anything?

FN Reporter: What I meant was that you own a private jet. Are you going to let-go this jet as well, on the same grounds as milk products?

Bhasudia: No well .. what kind of question is that? Ok let me clarify .. see I am letting go of things that I myself possess, the jet is actually a gift … from the people who love and respect me and my social activism. How can I let go of such a precious token of love? So I’ll keep that.

FN Reporter: So if someone gifts you a glass of milk, technically you can still drink that, because that is a gift?

Bhasudia: I will, definitely will drink that, I simply cannot reject a gift. I love gifts and freebies.

FN Reporter: Quite serious thoughts there. So if I just summarize it correctly it all boils down to the fact that you wish to own a resource completely without any conditions or checks, and that’s precisely the reason why you are so much against the creamy layer which takes a part away from the resource which you own.

Bhasudia: Absolutely, you summarized it pretty well.

FN Reporter: The followup question then is, why do you want to own that resource completely, without any questions being asked to you?

Bhasudia: I just want to, it belongs to me.

FN Reporter: But why? Who says it belongs to you solely?

Bhasudia: I think you should be leaving now.

FN Reporter: Well I still have few questions left.

Bhasudia: I think it was a mistake to have you here.

FN Reporter: Sir? .. Mr. Bhasudia?

Mr. Bhasudia promptly kept down his microphone and left the room without completing the interview. Our reporter was then politely escorted out of his bungalow. Later this evening Mr. Bhasudia tweeted the following to his followers:

“Dear Media,

I may be a foodie, but my food habits should not be a matter of national importance.

~ A crusader of fairness and equality.”

Friday, March 27, 2015

Friday faking release: Dirty Politics

A film about latest happenings in AAP

Kejriwal writes a thank you letter to Dhoni and Times Now for shifting focus off AAP’s massive internal war

New Delhi. In another letter leaked from AAP, albeit this time not from Prashant Bhushan, it has been found that AAP supreme Arvind Kejriwal thanked Indian captain MS Dhoni and Times Now for helping shift focus away from massive internal war within AAP yesterday.

Worried that the most massive showdown within AAP would be hogging headlines everywhere on Prime time, Kejriwal was relieved to find ace anchor Arnab Goswami debating about India’s defeat in semi-final match against Australia instead for one hour.

“I was wrong about Arnab ji all along. He is not anti-AAP and certainly not anybody’s agent,” Kejriwal told Faking News.

He further told us how pleasantly shocked he was to see no media person question him about those sting tapes, ever since he returned from Bangalore.

“So somewhere I had this feeling even this thing will not get coverage from Media, but the massiveness of the rift had me in two minds and I thought maybe they will,” Kejriwal confessed.

“Also I thought this time now that India has lost and these channels would have nothing else to discuss about cricket further and they would certainly shift focus to us. But thanks to Arnab and Times Now for setting the narrative and shifting focus from us,” Kejriwal added.

When asked why did he thank Dhoni in his letter, Kejriwal shot back, “Do you really think had it not been for his effort and conduct in the world cup, Indians would have got united in standing behind him?”

Kejriwal further expressed satisfaction over no trend related to AAP hogging limelight on Twitter with #ShameonTimesNow attracting attention of one and all.

So much so that AAP volunteers did not even bother to trend stuff like #AKweAreWithYou #OpportunistBhushanYadav or any other such hashtag on Twitter to show their solidarity.

“This time supporters from all political parties were united in going after Times Now,” Kejriwal said, ““sab actually mein mile hue the ji.”

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Japan builds 400 km sea wall to fend off Kaiju attack from film Pacific Rim

Tokyo: The Japanese government has approved a plan to build a massive 400 kilometre Kaiju resistant wall along its coastline after the movie Pacific Rim made a delayed release in the island nation. This has been attributed to the Censor Board of Film Certification in Japan being headed by an eminent member of the Indian community.

Believing the movie to be a foreboding of things to come and after watching the aliens in Avengers come down from the sky, the government decided that between the two movies and the possibility of a world-wide Zombie threat as portrayed in World War Z, building a wall around their nation was not half a bad idea.

The Japanese Union Minister for Infrastructure and Development had this to say about the matter, “If the Chinese can build a big wall, why can’t we?”

The fact that the weight of this enormous construct could accelerate the sinking of the nation into the Pacific, which it is presently at the rate of 1 centimetre a year, was too small a margin for the government to consider. The entire board of the National Geology Society of Japan has since then resigned to protest this issue. A new board has since then been put into place by the government and includes singers from major bands in the country. It seems they understand types of rock like nobody else.

The wall being built.

The Department of Robots has also been ordered by Prime Minister Shinzo Abe to build robots like those in Pacific Rim but which can also turn into cars like the Transformers so he can drive one around. Another different aspect to this demand is that the robots look like Manga characters so that they instil not fear but patriotism and high spirits among the citizens of the nation and they don’t wonder whether this awesome idea of his was just a waste of their money.

Kirohito ‘screwdriver’ Kato, chief of the Robotic Department is ecstatic about this step by the government. “Our PM wishes the robots to look like Manga characters because the USA has Captain America, China has Jackie Chan, Russia has Vladimir Putin, UK has Benedict Cumberbatch and Australia has Wolverine but Japan has nothing, nothing at all. So now we will!”

The ruling Liberal Democratic Party, known for supporting big construction tycoons has claimed to have almost familial relations with an Indian political party which supports energy tycoons. They have since sought their help in powering the construction of the wall and building a free floating port that doesn’t hinder the wall and help everyone’s friends make a huge profit in the bargain. This will also be seen as an active measure in boosting trade relations between the two South-Asian nations.

PM Abe says, “This Kaiju wall will not only be a protective umbrella for Japan, it will also usher in a new era of business co-operation between our two nations. #Abenomics”

Environmentalists claim that the proposed sea wall will badly affect marine life and will upset the delicate balance between jellyfish and sharks which could lead to an exponential drop in shark numbers thereby badly affecting the illegal fishing business. This could put about 20,000 jobs at risk and result in a loss of about 10 million yen a year to the fish mafia.

Renowned environmental activist Han Pomfreti says, “The excuse of building this wall is a very fragile one, just like the marine ecosystem. The loss of habitat to the myriad life out on the coastline will be huge and the monetary loss to the smugglers umm… fishermen, unimaginable. We will protest or die beneath the cement trucks of this ruthless administration.”

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists claim that Japan is secretly building their own Large Hadron Collider in the guise of this wall to get ahead in this scientific race. They claim that a new cold war is brewing in the modern age but many fear that inadequate technology could eventually lead the Japanese to create a black hole and destroy all life on Earth.

Monday, March 23, 2015

DMRC to reserve one coach for the ‘Reading Community’

In a historic move to regain the trust of the reading minority that uses its service, Delhi Metro Rail Corporation (DMRC) has announced that the second coach of all six and eight coach metro trains shall be reserved for those who wish to read without being disturbed. Special Metro Cards will be launched for newspaper vendors which would allow them to travel beyond the usual 170 minutes to sell their stock as well.

Now they can have their privacy.

Earlier, there were various cases of harassment experienced by the Newspaper reading class, wherein all passengers within 10 meters of a newspaper would start staring shamelessly at the reader and inappropriately touch the reader, at the pretense of trying to read the headlines. Many readers had also been given life threats for refusing to share the Sports section of their newspaper.

Bookworms, the shy Metro users who had also lobbied for the reservation, when asked for a comment, refused to speak. However, it is now estimated that a bookworm would be able to read at least 10 sentences at a stretch before being asked the infamous question, “Kaunsi book hai?” as opposed to the 2.5 sentences they could read earlier.

“This shall provide much relief to hard working students who have to travel daily for an hour to coaching institutes,” said Shikhar, an IIT aspirant.

The DMRC has further stated that the plan relies on the vigilance of the reading community and surprise security checks to help facilitate this shift. Various Women safety groups have applauded the action as a revolutionary method to further protect the female passengers from predatory males, with the reading coach serving as a Chinese wall.

What remains to be seen is what measures the DMRC would take to prevent these predatory males from secretly entering the reading coach to ogle at the female passengers from behind a Newspaper or a book, and whether this move will fuel acts of Metro rage during rush hours.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Saina Nehwal to postpone her 2015 birthday to a date after IPL

Hyderabad. Sources close to ace shuttler Saina Nehwal have confirmed that the recent All England Open runner-up has postponed her birthday to a date post Cricket World cup. Speculations are that she was upset that she received very few wishes on her birthday few days back.

Saina turned 25 on 17th March. And she was expecting surprises and wishes from celebrities as well as fans on her Facebook page and twitter because of her historic All England Open run recently. But unfortunately there were none.

She is expecting her b’day to make national news after IPL

Media experts tell that the trending topic during that day was “Which moustache style will Dhawan don for the quarter-final against Bangladesh?” This topic single-handedly brought down the Olympic bronze medallist birthday news reach.

Another topic that was trending that day was the speculation about Suresh Raina’s marriage. Saina was upset that no one was talking about her marriage, even though she has turned 25. Not that she wants to marry right now but people talking about it gives a feeling of importance.

Friends who wished her for birthday were the players who themselves didn’t receive any wishes during their birthday, like Jitu Rai, Deepika Kumari, Srikanth Kidambi, Abhinav Bindra etc.

Some of the Indian sports fans were really angry at other Indians who support only cricket and know nothing about other sportspersons.

“She is an exemplary player. I don’t know why people do not have basic knowledge about Indian sportspersons. I’ve been following her since she won the WTA Hyderabad Open in 2003. But the only thing that I don’t like about her is that she married a Pakistani,” a fan expressed his anger.

When told that it was Saina Nehwal’s birthday, not Sania Mirza and then asked about his views on the former, he went haywire and started talking about Jwala Gutta instead.

As of latest update sources have told that Saina will postpone her birthday to a date on which nothing remotely to cricket could spring up and ruin the day for her again. That pushes her Birthday till the next season of IPL ends.

Criminal laws should be written for different religions in different font and color, demands lawyer

New Delhi: One of the senior lawyers at Karkardooma court Mr. Jagdeesh Patrick has ruffled feathers throughout the legal community by submitting a public interest litigation yesterday night appealing to the law-makers to re-write the Indian Penal Code laws for all religions in different font and color. While this PIL has managed to spark heated debates and arguments across legal circles, Mr. Jagdeesh himself is pretty vocal about the whole issue. Talking to reporters just outside the court Mr. Jagdeesh talked about his concerns in detail.

They mean business!

“It is high time that our legal systems get back to discriminating on the basis of religion, caste and beliefs, but in a positive way now. I believe that crimes committed on people belonging to one religion may be more unfortunate and more condemnable than same crimes committed on people from other religion. Hence there is no reason for law to treat everyone as equal. I strongly demand that criminal laws governing each religion/community in the country should be written separately in a different font and color. While for some religions we should use the small but elegant “Times New Roman” font and grayish-black text color, for others we should use bold “Arial” Font and bright maroon text color. Additionally in the PIL I have also recommended that lawmakers should also use a high quality highlighter pen to highlight the laws governing certain specific communities, for a better emphasis and faster justice. More details can be found in my PIL text and on my website,” Mr. Jagdeesh said.

When asked on why crimes against one religion should be treated differently from another in eyes of law Mr. Jagdeesh hit back strongly at the questioning journalist, “Oh I have heard such arguments time and again. Now you will also say that since all the people have same color of blood regardless of their religion, hence everyone is the same. Well to be very frank I am very much against the fact that people of all religions have same blood color. I am working on correcting that evolutionary mistake as well.”

“My next PIL is going to be in the healthcare sector, where I would ask the health ministry to enable people to maintain different color of blood in their body on the basis of their religion, caste and beliefs. I have also documented a number of healthcare solutions available in market which can correct the blood color of a human being easily. But our approach has to be different for ourselves and for yet to be born babies. For the current generation we can have ourselves inject different colored dyes in our body to change the color of our blood, but for yet to be born babies we should focus on R&D on GM techniques such as gene-splicing to change color of the blood even before the babies are born,” Mr. Jagdeesh concluded.

While this is only one of the dozen PILs which Mr. Jagdeesh has submitted in past few months demanding emphasis on selective judicial, academic and political treatment on the basis of religion, he has also reportedly sent a legal notice to a leading hospital recently for successfully conducting a kidney transplant between two people from different religions.

Australian rugby team to use Kerala assembly chaos footage as a training video

Huge inspiration for Rugby teams

Melbourne: Captain of Australian national rugby team Steve Mcgrath has issued an official statement yesterday night and praised the members of Kerala legislature for their recent actions in the assembly. Addressing a few reporters outside Melbourne Rugby stadium this morning, Mcgrath expressed his desire to invite few chosen legislators to Australia and honor them with medals of appreciation for their passionate actions which are proving to be a huge learning experience for budding rugby players.

“Someone forwarded me that Kerela assembly chaos clip a couple of days back and I must say I am very impressed. Throwing heavy wooden chairs a few feet up in the air, mercilessly pushing a crowd of hundreds of people to make way for oneself, tearing clothes of others when required, these are not the actions which a normal person can commit. To be able to do this, one has to be driven by extreme passion and desire to destroy his opponents. Every contact sports professional has something to learn from the advanced combat techniques used by Kerala legislators to ravage chaos and havoc, in a room full of otherwise harmless objects. There was a method to their madness,” Steve told Faking News.

“And this is the kind of maddening but controlled rage which a rugby player has to master to succeed professionally. Push, kick, shove, sledge do whatever you have to do, to decimate the opposition, this is the core principle we want to inculcate in our budding players. And the Kerala assembly video is one of the best examples of how to channelize aggression in most passionate and focused way. Hence we have decided that this video will now serve as a training video for our established players who want to take their game to a next level,” Mcgrath said

On being asked what are the future plans for Australian Rugby, Mcgrath provided further details, “This video has forced us to change our future plans. Our PR team has seen the complete footage of chaos in Kerela Assembly and has identified few key faces who showed most aggressive behavior. We would be inviting these gentlemen as keynote speakers to our rugby summit scheduled next month in Canberra, where we would also facilitate them with medals and certificates of honor. These gentlemen narrating their valuable experiences would be very helpful for our youngsters who wish to make long and successful careers in rugby.”

“And the buck does not stop here; our experts would now be closely studying the assembly footage and alienating specific hand-movements and facial gestures which would later be included in a detailed new curriculum which we are building. This curriculum would later be taught in the form of advanced level courses at our Rugby academy,” Mcgrath concluded.

While Australian Rugby team has several plans in store for next few months, several Kerala legislators are getting similar invitations from all over the world to conduct training sessions, be independent consultants to contact-sports teams and give keynote speeches at various sports-summits. One of the fiercest legislators is also said to have landed a contract with a leading publishing house to write a series of motivational books for contact sports enthusiasts.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Pakistan declares its fielders as “non-state actors” after losing to Australia

Islamabad. After losing to Australia in the ICC World Cup Quarter Final match, Pakistan Cricket Board has declared that all its fielders were “non state actors” and the board or the team was not responsible for their actions.

The declaration came after an emergency round of meeting of officials and players, who had assembled to find an external factor that they could blame for their performance in the cup, thus escaping the fury of fans back in Pakistan and that of Shoaib Akhtar in India.

“We could have blamed the bookies, but these days no one believes us on that front,” a PCB official told Faking News, “We thought to blame umpiring like Bangladesh did yesterday, but there were no horrible umpiring decisions.”

An unidentified non-state actor in action

“We even thought of blaming Israel or Ajit Doval, but we couldn’t find a convincing way to link them,” the official added.

“We realized that it was very difficult to find a reason for our defeat other than our fielding,” he continued, “And the only thing left was to somehow prove that our fielding was an external factor.”

Faced with this challenge, PCB went back to the tried and tasted way of coming up with “non-state actor” model.

“Our team comprises only of Bowlers and Batsmen, and one disputed Wicket-keeper,” the PCB official declared, “We don’t have any fielders in our team. If you see any fielder on a ground in a cricket match involving Pakistan, please consider him a non-state actor.”

With this adoption of motion declaring fielders as non-state actors, Pakistan has argued that its team performed very well, and they could have progressed to the Semi Final stage if two non-state actors had not dropped two crucial catches off Wahab Riaz’s bowling.

“It will be foolish to think that our team trains these non-state actors,” the PCB official retorted when asked who was behind those non-state actors in Pakistani jerseys, “It is clear that someone in the BCCI is doing this.”

Meanwhile Misbah-ul-Haq has requested the government of Pakistan to declare Shoaib Akhtar a “non-state” actor too.

Boy accuses parents of attempt to murder after they want him to become honest IAS officer

Bangalore. A 16 year old boy from the city has accused his parents of attempting to murder him after repeatedly asking him to start preparations for IAS in order to become an honest IAS officer.

Fling an FIR at Austin Town Police Station, Ravirajan accused his parents of constantly pressurizing him to become an IAS officer, ever since he was 8 years old.

Fate of honest IAS officers like DK Ravi in India, is what made the boy suspect his parents.

“It has been 8 years of mental molestation. Earlier I used to ignore their pleas, but now after the unfortunate death of DK Ravi, their motive is crystal clear,” the boy, who wants to work for RAW, told the Police in-charge, “They just wan’t me dead.”

“Couldn’t they have just restricted their demand to IAS officer. What was the need to add ‘honest’ to their demand?” he asked.

The boy further accused his parents of being partial and treating him differently than his 2 year elder sister.

“I always knew they don’t love me as much as they love my sister,” he told Faking News.

“I mean they never ask her to become anything and just keep her safely at home,” he pointed.

“They would be happy if she becomes a successful housewife. How lovely for her,” he added.

However his parents when confronted by the Police were hesitant initially but later gave in and promised to not trouble the kid anymore.

“We are shocked that he felt that way of thought that we wanted to kill him. I mean I would never ever ask him to become IAS officer again. For his life’s longevity sake I will now be asking him to become a politician rather,” his father told Faking News.

When asked if they would want him to be an honest politician, his mother (former AAP supporter) shot back, “It’s an oxymoron.”