Faking News - leading news satire website of India: February 2015

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Consortium of Swiss banks support the tagline #Won’tGiveItBack

Geneva. A consortium of Swiss banks, today announced that the group supports #Won’tGiveItBack. The news went viral in the national newspapers, television and social media across the world.

Faking News reporter, who is currently holidaying in Switzerland, gives details of the first-hand reports here.

“We won’t give it back”

With the ICC World Cup trending in many parts of the world, the tagline #Won’tGiveItBack had reached every nooks and corner. Incidentally, a Swiss bank board room found the tagline to be very interesting. Immediately, a few more akin banks were contacted and a consortium was formed. The tagline of the consortium will be #Won’tGiveItBack.

Faking News correspondent managed to speak with the newly anointed spokesperson of the group. What he couldn’t manage was the number of bouncers thrown at him; more than what could possibly be bowled in the entire world cup matches put together.

The first bouncer was, of course, the tagline is not about cricket. It is about ‘Swiss banks won’t give back’ the money to any state, black, white or brown. Also, the next one about #Won’tGiveItBack, the list of account holders.

“From the land of most idiotic taglines and advertisements, when a new one #Won’tGiveItBack trends viral, we want to put the opportunity to maximum use and announce to the entire world in general and to India in particular, that we #Won’tGiveItBack. What is funny is that an entire nation is going behind #Won’tGiveItBack, which is not rightfully theirs (or) at least which is not rightfully theirs yet, barring a miracle in the similar altitude of an Indian winning this year’s Wimbledon Championships in singles,” said the spokesperson.

“What we are saying is #Won’tGiveItBack, which is rightfully ours since decades. It is also ironic that a few political parties in India make electoral promises regarding black money, without consulting us. Our simple answer to them is #Won’tGiveItBack. It is entirely none of our business; but in the interest of greater democracy, we would hope that Indian voters will use the tagline #Won’tGiveItBack, with reference to their votes to these political parties, next time around.”

“Finally, just want to say, with tagline #Won’tGiveItBack for ICC world cup, the rest of the world, and a few sections of Indian society, are laughing at it. When we say it loud and clear, we are laughing out loud at the rest of the world. Take care world! We #Won’tGiveItBack!” he concluded.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Friday faking release: Mr. India

Movie starring Rahul Gandhi as “Mr India,” who can turn invisible when he needs to fight against the villain.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Pics: How Indian Railways will be promoting brands in order to generate more revenue

As per Rail Budget 2015, railway minsitry is targeting to boost the annual revenue by allowing private companies to advertise on the coaches.

Here are some of the spots which brands can resverve for themselves, as they go very well with their products.

People don’t easily forget their saviours (air freshener).

Sometimes you feel the need to shut some of the over-talkative fellow passengers.

People will love your brand for being so cool and friendly.

Simple product placement.

Making sure that luggage bags are safe down there.

For a worried passenger with not enough hairs on his head to be blown away by the wind while sitting at the window, your brand will always be there.

After facing diffuclty in climbing up to the top berth because of being overweight, the person will vow again to shed some weight.

Revealed: How Team India managed to break the jinx of 3-0 in Ind Vs SA match

This was one match where history was not in India’s favour having never beaten South Africa in a World Cup match. What was predicted to be a tough match eventually turned out an anti-climax where the South Africans were beaten badly by the Boys in Blue.

“Thank you tweeples”

Our Correspondent spoke to a few for their reactions.

Narendra Modi: Congrats Team India. Well played. With me as Prime Minister it’s Achche Din for this team.

Sachin Tendulkar: Aila! We won huh? See. I was the lucky charm. I attended this match and we won. Now Dhoni wants me to attend all the matches.

Rahul Gandhi: What a shocking victory! My party only sees shocking defeats. I want to learn how to create history and break the jinx. I will now take a sabbatical and meditate on how to ensure my congress team wins its next elections.

Shahid Afridi: I think it was because of me praying for the victory of South Africa. From now on, I will pray for the victory of India.

AB de Villiers: South African team played a very important role in India’s victory, thank us too.

Arvind Kejriwal: Ye Team India ki nahi, aam aadmi ki jeet hai ji. Aam aadmi ne achha khel khela hai.

Aamir Khan: I could not see the match but I am happy that India won. I love India. However, I think they should have beaten South Africa only by 20 runs. It was too violent beating them by over 100 runs.

However, after putting a lot of effort investigating what actually made Team India break the jinx, Faking News reporter found that it was wishes of millions of tweeples, who prayed and cheered the Boys in Blue with #MyTeamMyPride hashtags.

“Agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaaho to puri kayanat usey tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai,” said an Indian cricket fan who reportedly posted exact 307 tweets with #MyTeamMyPride hashtag, “Look, how powerful social media has become. It has capability to change the course of history.”

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Foreseeing lot of work as Congress President, Rahul Gandhi applies for leave in advance

New Delhi. Taking preemptive measures to avoid ruining his work-life balance, incumbent Congress VP Rahul Gandhi has applied for leave in advance, minutes after being tipped off about his appointment as next party President.

Rahul Gandhi, who currently is on a soul searching trip, was not much happy for being disturbed with this news. However, after calming down, reportedly he called his mother to check party leave policies for the post of President.

“Better work life balance, that’s my priority”

“But 20 casual working days and 12 emergency working days in a year was too tough for him,” said Pranav, a close aide of Rahul Gandhi adding that even senior party members were aware of this fact, “Although Sonia madam was adamant to not give him anymore freedom besides allowing him to work from Greece, Thailand or Gangotri, Digvijay Singh couldn’t control his feelings and asked Rahul Ji to apply for leaves in advance.”

“Digvijay Singh understands how important work-life balance is for Rahul Ji,” Pranav continued, “Senior party leaders being a bunch of rational minded people are ready to accept Rahul Ji’s demand as for well being of the party it is very important that party chief remains happy.”

Meanwhile, a source close to Congress reveals that after a year, Rahul Gandhi will be reviewing his work-life balance, and if he finds it to be deteriorating, he may consider shutting down party offices in a few states.

Moved by flattering comments on his Facebook pics, man quits job to become a model and actor

Gurgaon. After being constantly pressurized by flattering comments on his Facebook profile pic for years, Anurag Sharma, a conventionally good looking man has finally given up and is planning to quit his current IT job to pursue a career as model and actor.

As per Anurag, he often gets comments like “Bhai tu galat line mein hai“, “Bhai to Mumbai chala ja” and “Bhai modeling try kar” on his Facebook profile pics.

Back in 2014, to give himself a break, Anurag tried this as profile pic.

“To begin with I was taking it lightly, in fact I was rather enjoying it. But over the years, condition worsened and people on Facebook started stalking me to motivate me to switch my career field. Messages like, ‘Saale model ban ja‘, ‘Apni zindagi barbaad na kar‘ were very common,” said Anurag, revealing how his well wishers were going over the board in their attempt to charge him up.

Finally it was in January 2015, Anurag finally gave up and made a formal announcement on Facebook, regarding his plans to move to Mumbai and try his luck in glamour industry.

“After so much persuasion, even I started feeling that I was in the wrong field. Well, if so many people think that good looking people should avoid industries like IT, then who am I to refuse that. People who look good and are not in glamour industry are always in the wrong field, at least people in my Facebook friend list think so,” Anurag continued while searching for a proper resignation letter template on the Google, “If such is the case and people are so sure about it, then even I don’t want to miss this opportunity.”

Adding further, Anurag disclosed that, in his resignation letter he would be mentioning “Too good looking to be an engineer” as the reason behind his resignation.

Meanwhile, one of Anurag’s friend, who lives in Mumbai and had earlier made near about 8 comments to persuade Anurag for the career switch, is not picking up Anurag phone calls.

“I had messaged him that I needed a place to stay for the first couple of months, as accomodation in Mumbai is very expensive,” an upset Anurag told Faking News.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Modi’s suit buyer cries foul after not finding top industrialists in its pocket, blames Kejriwal

Surat. In a recent development, the diamond merchant who purchased the most-talked about Indian suit with Prime Minister Modi’s name pinstriped to it, claims to be feeling cheated due to false information rallied to him by Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal.

In an exclusive interview to Faking News at an undisclosed location, the unidentified buyer said that he has heard Mr. Kejriwal and his party members repeatedly say that Mr. Modi has top industrialists in his pocket and indeed as this was the most famous suit being adorned by him, he was quite sure that it is this one which housed them.

The pocket only had a hanky.

At the time of interview he was visibly furious and our correspondent even spotted him repeatedly checking all the pockets. He was quoted as saying, “As soon as we won the bid we made sure that it is delivered to us before dinner time. We even had cooked special feast at our home for some of the expected guests that we hoped to evacuate from the pockets of this suit, but leave alone any clue of owning any industrialists, it didn’t have even a dime of rupee or dollar. We paid an extorbitant price for this suit and now it feels like we have been fooled.”

He is also looking forward to going to consumer court against Delhi CM for fabricating misinformation and advertising false features of the suit. Regarding this he said, “Mr. Kejriwal and his party members have many a times claimed that Mr. Modi has some big industrialists in his pocket. Now I challenge him to come for a treasure hunt and search them for me.”

He further added that they were really disappointed with Kejriwal and never thought that he can fool Aam Aadmi like them in this manner. They were also planning to go to Delhi with the suit to broaden their search with the help of Free Wi-Fi.

On being asked that what he plans to do with the suit now he said, “I obviously do not look forward to wearing a suit with somebody else’s name all over it but as I am a seasoned business man I might get it trademarked and would sell similar pieces to other individual.”

At the time of writing report the search for any hidden pocket was on though people were they were losing hope of any success.

Pics: Rahul Gandhi goes off the grid after watching Hollywood classic “Into the Wild”

New Delhi. Clearing doubts regarding whereabouts of party vice president, Congress today revealed that Rahul Gandhi on a month long sabbatical is roaming around in the remote areas of United States, in search of larger truth about life of a political party and reasons behind Congress’ defeats in recently held elections.

Reporetedly, his act is inspired by the Hollywood movie “Into the Wild”.

Congress even released few pics from Rahul Gandhi’s break along with relevant explanations and his findings. Here are some of the pics:

Before setting off on his soul searching journey, Rahul Ji burnt all the cash he was carrying, because there are many things which money can’t buy.

A party doesn’t need victories in elections to be happy. God has placed happiness all around us: Rahul Gandhi

Society you are a crazy breed, I hope you are not lonely without the Congress: Rahul Gandhi

Nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a party than a secure future: Rahul Gandhi

Mr. Franz, I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don’t want one, neither I want Congress to have: Rahul Gandhi

Happiness is only real when shared. Even if BJP or AAP won, there is no problem at all. Let them enjoy the power: Rahul Gandhi

I read somewhere how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. Same holds true for a political party: Rahul Gandhi

Only those parties, who will risk going too far in committing mistakes, can possibly find out how far they can go: Rahul Gandhi

Monday, February 23, 2015

As “Birdman” wins best picture award at the Oscars, man who earlier found it boring now reconsidering his opinion

Bangalore. 24 year old Prakash, who earlier didn’t like the movie Birdman, is now reconsidering his opinion after the American black comedy drama won four awards, including the best picture title at the 2015 Oscars.

Prakash says, he is a quick learner and is trying his best to develop a taste in movies, movies which win top international awards.

It’s an Oscar winner, you have to like it.

“It was my fault that I thought of it as a boring movie. Now, that Oscar’s jury thinks it’s the best movie, who am I to say no,” an apologetic Prakash told Faking News adding that he would be watching Birdman again and again to understand the hidden meaning which he missed while watching it for first time.

“I should have been more alert while watching the movie. When I was a kid, my dad always used to say that one should keep their eyes, ears and mind open while reading, watching or listening to anything. Wish I had paid attention to my dad’s words, then I wouldn’t have missed the hidden symbolic meaning in the Birdman,” rued a sad Prakash, who is now determined to never commit such a mistake in future.

Taking preemptive measures, Prakash is thinking to start loving a Hollywood movie the moment he gets a feeling that he is failing to understand the movie.

“It’s better than eating your own words, as such kind of movies often end up winning Oscars and other top international awards,” reasoned Prakash justifying his plan, “However, I will be doing this only for American and European movies, as in India, there is a filter mechanism which automatically redirects such artsy movies towards critics choice awards.”

Prakash appreciates the fact that Bollywood understands his needs very well, and it makes sure that he is never embarrassed once.

“Award shows in India let the masses be who they are and not force them into liking something too offbeat,” Prakash explained claiming that more than half of the America is liking Birdman because of peer pressure, “I wish they had something like Filmfare Awards and ZEE Cine Awards.”

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Govt cracks whip on religious groups that spread hatred; Arsenal and ManU fan-groups to be banned first

New Delhi: In a peculiar interpretation of religious fanaticism, the central government has sought to take strict action against football fan groups wherein fans get abusive and spiteful to the extent of getting religiously fanatic.

Government has announced that beginning next month these football fan-groups or any similar religious groups that spread hatred will be banned from releasing communications or holding meetings either on social media or on roads.

Public reaction to the news

Mr. DV Sadananda Gowda, the minister of Law & Justice provided further details to reporters – “The way Indian football fans love and worship football players like “deities” and the way they fight, abuse & hate the people from other football clubs, it all resembles religious fanaticism quite closely. The kind of hatred they show and spread against each other is unparalleled. They are almost 25% as hateful as some of the religious groups in India, which is quite worrisome for the country. As respectable prime-minister Modi ji recently said that we won’t be tolerating any religious fanaticism and radical behavior, we have decided to crack down upon these football fan groups.”

This announcement is said to be an after-effect of an incident on Twitter, wherein two groups of Indian football fans mercilessly clashed with each other.

In a heated exchange of tweets, fans of football clubs Arsenal and Manchester-United fought each other ferociously for hours, last Saturday. This fight started when one Arsenal Fan tweeted and called ManU team a pack of uni-sexual aliens, in response of which one ManU fan called Arsenal team a bunch of Arse-wholes. The fight soon turned ugly with abusive tweets in both English and Hindi being shared across Twitter for full 3 hours. There was a break of around 1 hour due to KBC re-runs on Sony from 08:00 to 09:00 pm, after which the horrendous fight resumed and got even worse.

While it is not exactly clear how these groups will be banned by the government, but football fans from all across the country have already started tweeting in protest over this announcement. As a result, Twitter hashtag #FforFootballFforF*** has already started trending in the Asia geo-region. Below are some of the top tweets (censored):

“Whn Kohli swears on ground in front f audience then no1 talks bans? But if we football fans say even 1 f*****g word all hell f*****g breaks loose.” ~ KooldudeKetaan, Mumbai

“I am a f*****g Chelsea fan and I f*****g hate Liverpool, so what? F*** me sideways.” ~ K.Thimmaiah, Chennai

“I am the ManU guy, it is clearly written on my red shirt, to kya hua b******d. Delhi se hu.” ~ Mangal4u, Delhi

“Why the f*** don’t you f*****g understand the f*****g mentality in which we f*****g football f*****g fans f*****g live.” ~ Abhijeet33Das, Kolkata

We wanted Indians to burst crackers, we are big-hearted like Afridi, says South African captain

Melbourne. Talking about the loss against India in the much awaited World Cup match, South African skipper AB de Villiers has revealed that it was a well planned surprise for 1.2 billion Indians.

De Villiers disclosed that he came across Mauka-Mauka ad just a couple of days before and his heart cried after watching it.

Finally, mauka aa hi gaya

“The look on face of that Indian boy brought tears into my eyes,” said AB de Villiers adding that he immediately called a team meeting, where they planned this big surprise for billion Indians, “We had two options, either to make 1.2 billion (1200 million) people happy or to make 235 million people happy, this figure includes Pakistani population.”

Following their heart, South African team chose to go ahead with the decision the which would bring happiness to maximum number of people.

Adding further De Villiers said that South Africans were also big hearted people, just like Afridi.

“After Pakistan lost the chance to burst crackers and match against India, I had a chat with Afridi. He secretly confessed to me that he did a similar calculation based on the number of people he ultimately would be making happy and that’s why he didn’t play that well in the match,” De Villiers continued.

As per South African captain revelations, Afridi do such kind of charity work in his personal capacity to fulfill the demands of his XXL sized heart.

“Finally, what matters is we brought smiles and opportunity to burst crackers to such a huge number of people,” a sentimental De Villiers concluded, “And please, don’t call us chokers. It hurts. We are not chokers, we are a bunch of large hearted people.”

Meanwhile, Indian captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni has thanked De Villiers and Afridi for the sacrifices they made and hoped for similar kind gesture from other teams too.

Humiliated England players keen to join Ireland squad

Christchurch. After the humiliating loss to New Zealand in the 9th match of the ICC cricket World Cup 2015 reports from the England camp suggest that many of the players are keen to join the Ireland team after the tournament.

On a day when Tim Southee ran through the England batting line up followed by Brendon McCullum going berserk with the bat, England players want to escape backlash at home and rejuvenate their ODI careers by getting into the formidable Ireland squad. The fact that the cricket pundits are backing Ireland on gaining test status, adds weight to the news.

Ready to switch?

When contacted one of the team officials, on condition of anonymity said, “Yes the reports are true. If Ireland players can play for England, why can’t the reverse happen?”

England has long been known to poach talented Irish players and convert them into Ravi Bopara like players. No better example than the current England captain Eoin Morgan, once upon a time a prolific Irish batsman, who now can’t get the ball off the square unless he’s trying the switch hit.

When this correspondent asked Eoin Morgan whether Kevin Pietersen’s absence was responsible for the loss, he said “I am from Ireland, I cant comment on the selection policies of the England team. All I can say is that Ireland have a fantastic team.” This comment has further intensified the speculations.

Piers Morgan, the British journalist who has been a staunch critic of the English team was furious with the loss because Kevin Pietersen wasn’t in the squad and also because he dozed off for 10 minutes during the New Zealand batting resulting in him missing the second half of the match completely. When asked if Alistair Cook would’ve made a difference to the squad he said “Yes ofcourse! The score would’ve been even lesser but at least Alistair would’ve batted for the full 50 overs.” He went on to add that a few English players had in fact confided in him about their desire to play for Ireland. But as usual, nobody is taking Mr Piers Morgan seriously.

In related reports Indian medium pace bowlers Ashoke Dinda, Munaf Patel and Praveen Kumar, who are closely following the current situation of the England team are reported to have submitted their applications to ECB. This illogical move stems from the realization that their careers as Indian players are over.

When asked how this could be possible, Dinda is reported to have said “If a Zimbabwean can coach Indian team, why can’t Indian player play for England?.” He also added that though he is not as tall as the English pacemen, he can make up for it with his freakishly high delivery stride which according to him helps him deliver the ball from a trajectory higher than that of Mohammed Irfan of Pakistan. This seems to be the ultimate insult to English cricket.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Sri Lanka vs Afghanistan match called off after VHP claims both countries were part of Akhand Bhaarat

Melbourne. In what comes as a major surprise, the World Cup 2015 group match between Sri Lanka and Afghanistan has been called off by the International Cricket Council based on VHP’s complaint that there was no need of a competition between sides which were inherently part of an undivided rule. This is the first time ever that a cricket body has supported an irredentist cause. Consequently, points have been shared equally between the teams.

“United we bat, united we bowl.”

Speaking to one of our reporters, the official spokesperson of ICC Colin Gibson said, “It is high time we reduce the complexity involved in managing increased number of teams across the world. Combining the teams looking for restoration of glory and making them play as part of one team will simplify the world cup equations. There are strong teams and there are minnows. If they combine for irredentist reasons, the weaker ones can easily be part of victories while the mighty can carry them along. I would like to sincerely thank and appreciate VHP’s idea to simplify world cricket in a period where organization is getting complex with increased number of teams.”

Meanwhile, Bangladesh and Afghan teams are happy about this development and are having reveries of rosy world ahead of them while India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka seem to be in a dilemma when it comes to selection of the team.

The South Asian Association for Regional Co-operation (SAARC) has called for a special standing committee that will replace the current individual selectors of these teams in order to make the selections unbiased and satisfy people of all regions. While this seems to be a positive aspect of the whole idea, cricket pessimists across the world have warned ICC of dire consequences that will lead to losses.

As per their theory, if all teams across the world think in a similar manner there is a danger of them combining to eventually become one, leaving a void in opposition’s place and thereby, breaking the primary rule of having a second team in a match.

Time will tell if the idea will bring in profits to the ICC or run them into losses.