Faking News - leading news satire website of India: October 2014

Friday, October 31, 2014

Friday faking release: Aakhree Raasta

Aakhree raasta for Uddhav Thackeray.

Impressed with their precision in digging tunnels, DMRC hires Punjab National Bank robbers as consultants

New Delhi. DMRC (Delhi Metro Rail Corporation), that is currently racing against time to complete phase 3 of metro in Delhi on time, has decided to hire accused of the recent Punjab National Bank robbery in Haryana as consultants.

DMRC particularly intends to use their services for the underground portion of the phase 3, connecting Janak Puri with Botanical Gardens, where they are reportedly running behind schedule to meet 2016 deadline.

A DMRC official taking tips from the perfectly executed tunnel digging.

“They are highly skilled people. We were left extremely overawed, stunned and impressed with the style and manner in which they dug up 125 feet long and 2.5 feet wide tunnel and opened it right inside the locker room of the bank,” DMRC chief told Faking News.

“They went about the whole thing with so much compassion and professionalism that nobody was disturbed, nobody had any idea whatsoever about what was happening, quite unlike with our engineers and contractors who have to at times face wrath of Delhiites for causing traffic jams due to haphazard construction activity,” he continued.

DMRC also hopes that once on board, the precision of these robbers would be a valuable asset to the project.

“The digging was done with such finesse that telephone cables and water pipelines in the tunnel remained completely untouched,” he pointed, “I mean, without any practice whatsoever, they were able to open up the tunnel bang in the middle of locker room pathways. Unbelievable!”

“Their guidance would ensure strict adherence to the architectural plan by laborers and contractors and construction wouldn’t go haywire,” he further argued.

However, MMRC (Mumbai Metro Rail Corporation) has challenged robbers to oversee their work instead.

“Being a consultant to DMRC is not at all challenging. Their true worth will be tested if they are able to successfully help us complete second underground line of 33 km in next 25 years,” declared the MMRC chief.

Meanwhile, Yash Raj Films too has made an offer to these robbers and sought their services in devising a more believable heist in the next instalment of Dhoom series.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Man inspired from Internet Explorer doing what he actually wants to do without caring what others think

Bangalore. Saurabh Agrawal, a web developer by profession is taking inspiration from the Internet Explorer (IE) to do what he actually wants to do without caring about what others think.

Saurabh is a huge fan of IE’s cool attitude and the way it handles criticism without changing the way it works.

Inspirational figure.

“People are hurling abuses at IE for running slow since its birth, but it keeps functioning the way it wants to. It just doesn’t give a damn about what others have to say and that’s why it’s my source of inspiration,” Saurabh explained, adding that he wants to get exactly the same temperament. “There is a maturity in IE’s behavior and I want the same.”

“Whenever I feel low after being thrashed my boss or my client, I always think, what IE would have done in this situation and then I do exactly the same. I just turn a deaf ear to criticism and continue being who I really am,” Saurabh continued, “I am what I am. Just like IE, I too want to rise above this ‘chaar log kya kahenge‘ crap.”

Saurabh also thanks Microsoft for being an understanding parent by allowing IE to remain what it is.

“However, initially Microsoft did try to bring change in IE’s attitude, but finally gave up. Now, like a good parent, Microsoft is supporting IE. Despite having so much money and resources, they are not arm-twisting IE any further and I really appreciate this,” Saurabh told Faking News.

Meanwhile, taking a cue from Saurabh’s point of view, Microsoft is planning to capitalize on this hidden power of Internet Explorer. As per sources, the idea is to rebrand IE as a motivational browser.

“Guys at Microsoft want to attract and motivate youngsters by presenting IE as a rebel who doesn’t believe in walking on a conventional path. The new branding campaign will highlight how IE refused to take part in the mad race of being the fastest internet browser and chose a path of its own,” revealed a source.

AAP to move SC against SC after SC praises LG’s decision to consult all parties for govt formation in Delhi

New Delhi. After Supreme Court today expressed satisfaction over Lt Govermor Najeeb Jung ‘s move to consult all political parties in Delhi for govt formation, AAP has decided to move Supreme Court against Supreme Court’s decision.

AAP is particularly annoyed with SC deferring the hearing once again and wants SC to teach a lesson to itself.

Kejriwal hasn’t ruled out another Dharna over this issue.

“After getting copy of Supreme Court’s recent statement, we will approach Supreme Court to review those statements,” AAP leader and senior lawyer, Prashant Bushan confirmed to Faking News.

Faking News spoke to party chief Arvind Kejriwal and asked him if it was another u-turn by him after he yesterday praised SC in his tweets.

“Till yesterday I was thinking that Supreme Court is an independent entity when they pulled up BJP govt on black money issue, but today I am saddened to say even it is working in collusion with BJP,” Kejriwal declared.

“Sab mile hue hain ji,” he quickly added amidst huge cheers from AAP supporters.

When asked how logical was moving SC against SC, Ashutosh, another senior leader of AAP said it was very much within constitutional AAP framework.

“Since unfortunately SC is still the highest court in the country, we will have to move it against it, till AAP comes to power and swaraj is established and aam aadmis become the supreme judges,” Ashutosh justified his party’s decision.

When asked if Supreme Court was acting as BJP agent or Ambani Agent, Kejriwal remained non-committal.

However, Kejriwal maintained that since SC took a hard stance against black money issue; they could not be Ambani agents but assured he would soon be able to come to conclusion as to whose agents they were exactly.

Meanwhile, this decision by AAP has left Arnab Goswami angry who thought AAP should have moved Newshour against Supreme Court, if at all they wanted.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

3 year old property dealer found in Haryana

Gurgaon. In a shocking find, Faking News discovered a 3 year old boy dealing in properties in Haryana.

Jaydaad Dahiya is considered one of the most renowned agents in the state who has made a name for himself in a very short span of time.

“He sits daily in his office with a staff of 5 people and sells properties faster than he can count till 10,” disclosed Jaydaad’s 25 year old personal secretary.

File pic of Jaydaad when he set up his office 2 years back.

If sources are to be believed, Jaydaad began his dealings even before he was born. He reportedly sold even a part of his mother’s womb while he was inside her.

“We were doing sonography when we saw him demarcating boundaries inside the uterus,” confirmed the gynaecologist, who was operating Jaydaad’s mother, “We were shell shocked.”

“When he came out, like all new borns, he was crying. We kept him on a news paper and tried various things to pacify him. However he kept crying,” the gynaecologist recalled the events of his birth.

“It was later we realized he was crying because he wanted us to keep him on the Times Property section of the newspaper,” the doctor further revealed.

While the discovery certainly shocked Faking News and its reporters, it was just another dealer for locals.

“It’s pretty normal out here. We Haryanvis are born property dealers. People could be doing any job but at heart they are always property dealers. In fact we have more agents out here than probably the number of properties,” said a local.

“Haryana ki hawa mein ki kuch aisa hai jo achhe acchon ko property mein involve kar deta hai. Look at Robert Vadra ji,” the local pointed.

Experts claim that Haryana is probably the only place in India where parents don’t want their children to become engineer or doctor.

“Here they want them to become a property baron,” explained an expert.

Meanwhile in a related finding, Faking News also discovered a 3 year old Roadies aspirant in Chandigarh.

To reduce count of cigarette consumption per day, man starts smoking longer cigarettes

Delhi. In an out of the box way to reduce number of cigarette consumption per day, Vineet, a Delhi University student has started smoking longer cigarettes.

With the help of his idea, Vineet has successfully managed to bring down daily count from 12 cigarettes to 8 cigarettes.

Save half for later.

“I can’t tell you how relieved I am,” Vineet expressed his happiness, adding that his trick to fool himself is working pretty well. “I know, maybe I am consuming the same amount of harmful tobacco. But the guilt feeling has been certainly reduced, and that is very important.”

With plan to create his own customized cigarette, upto 40 to 50 inches long, Vineet is hopeful that he would be able to reduce his daily cigarette consumption count to one.

“I will not be smoking that in one go, instead I will finish it in 10 small cigarette breaks spread across the day,” Vineet revealed his future action plan, “I am going crazy with just the thought of smoking only one cigarette during whole day. I thought I would never be able to do this in my entire life, but dream is turning into reality.”

Now Vineet is feeling more confident that ever. “This has helped me to boost my morale and develop strong conviction to achieve desired goals. My next aim is to reduce number of pegs I drink in one sitting, by increasing size of each peg,” Vineet further added.

Psychologists say, Vineet’s actions are going harm his lungs and liver in a more smooth and hassle free way.

“Now, at least he will not be worried all the time that he is doing something wrong. He will be destroying himself, but with peace of mind,” explained a well known psychologist.

Meanwhile, taking cue from Vineet’s innovative idea, a cigarette brand has started working on creating a foldable cigarette of length equal to ten times of a normal cigarette length.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Man decides to take a road trip to Leh on Google Maps after boss rejects his leave request

Mumbai. Anoop, an IT employee in his mid twenties has decided to take a road trip to Leh on Google Maps after his leave request was turned down by his boss.

Earlier, Anoop and his three friends who live in Mumbai itself, were planning to take a roadtrip of a lifetime, but things didn’t work out the way they were expecting.

Cheapest road trip.

“Plan was to reach Leh via Gujarat and Rajasthan. But anyway, thanks to Google Maps, our plan is still intact,” said Anoop with a sigh of relief, “Now we will be covering the whole distance sitting in my room.”

Anoop along with his friends will start the journey from tomorrow evening after returning from their offices.

“Daily, we will be sitting together in front of my large-screen desktop for three hours, from 10 pm to 1 am,” Anoop described the idea, adding that they will keep open Google Image in another tab of the browser. “Each time we reach some city on our way to Leh, we will search images of that city to give our trip a touch of reality.”

To travel through areas with bad roads, Anoop and his friends will be using Google Maps on Internet Explorer.

“We don’t want to miss the fatigue, which we would have felt while travelling through those areas in reality,” said Anoop’s friend Amit, while explaining reason behind this. “Internet Explorer will make sure that our movement on Google Maps is slowed down automatically.”

Adding further, Amit said they would be using AC to adjust temperature according to their current region on Google Maps.

“We are ready with out winter clothes and will be reducing the temperature to minimum, once we reach Leh,” Amit told Faking News, “And no drinking while crossing Gujarat. It’s a dry state and we are law abiding citizens.”

As Anoop is expecting to complete the whole trip in week time without taking any leaves, his boss Vinay Sharma is quite happy to know about his plans.

“As a matter of fact, during new year break I am thinking of taking my whole team on a road trip to Goa, right here sitting in the office. We will be taking an hour break after each hour of travel, during which they will be finishing their pending work. It’s good to have fun with work,” quipped a jubilant Vinay.

Businessman divorced after failing to make it to the black money list

Mumbai: A South Mumbai based businessman is reportedly going to be divorced for not being on the list of Swiss Bank account holders, released by the government.

Mr. Dhanraj Singh Kaala, a successful businessman and neighbour of one of the businessmen named in the list, while is relieved that he has not been named but is facing predicament of a divorce, after a long marriage of thirty years, for reasons best explained by his wife.

Black money has unexpected but interesting consequences

Mrs. Kaala has been telling people privately, “My husband has always been telling me that he is earning a lot and that he has amassed a lot of wealth. I was always suspicious, but now it is confirmed. We are not that rich after all. Look at out next door neighbour. His name flashed on all TV screens. He has not one but three foreign accounts. All my husband has is one SBI account and one Bank of Maharashtra account, that too a current account. I am shattered now. I have been telling all my friends about our assets and our status in the society. What will they think of us now? I can’t show them my face. They won’t believe me any more.”

Dhanraj however finds himself between the devil and deep blue sea. If he has to save his marriage, he has to reveal the fact that he indeed has an account in a Swiss Bank. His wife would need documentary evidence and plain words will not do the trick. If he does that, he runs the risk of attracting the authorities. And then his wife might still be unhappy that he has just one and not three such accounts, like their neighbour.

The latest rumour is that Dhanraj has sought to buy some time to find a solution. He has asked his wife to wait for further lists from the government, in which he hopes to find a place.

Mrs. Kaala had grudgingly agreed to put the divorce proceedings on hold, but with the threat that she would go ahead with the petition if Dhanraj does not figure in the next three lists.

“In any case you are not on the top of the list, but I will grant it to you,” she is reported to have told him.

HNY makers hit out at critics that gave film more than 2 stars, claim such good ratings affecting film’s box office performance

Mumbai. After failing to break worldwide weekend records of Dhoom 3, makers of Happy New Year have squarely laid the blame of film’s less than expected performance on those critics that gave the film good ratings.

Categorically targeting critics that gave film more than suicidal 2 stars, director of HNY, Farah Khan lashed out at them for affecting box office collections of the film that had a historic day one of 40 crores but fell after that.

The cast of the film reacting after reading good reviews.

“In India, we have time and again seen an indirect correlation between the critics’ ratings and the box office performance of the films. People tend to confuse good rated films with some intellectual and sensible stuff and keep away from cinema halls,” Farah explained how critics hampered HNY’s collections.

“I am sure there is a definite Aamir Khan lobby behind all these rumours of HNY having a good script, to stop Shah Rukh from breaking records of Dhoom 3,” Farah further claimed as SRK worked on his 12 packs for the sequel.

Farah is specifically annoyed with Rajeev Masand, who gave the film 2.5 stars, from whom makers were expecting no more than 0.5 stars.

“This is insulting. I mean he normally gives 2.5 stars to all time classics,” Farah added.

Sources claims that now to make up for the loss, Farah is planning to chop off some good, sensible, humorous portions of the film so that critics who review the film from now onwards don’t give it more than 1 star.

“There are also plans to add few scenes directed by Rohit Shetty and Sajid Khan in place of the scenes thus chopped,” confirmed an insider from Red Chillies entertainment.

Meanwhile Taran Adarsh, who hasn’t reviewed the film so far, too has been kept on standby to give the film 5 star ratings.

“His is the only review that film goers don’t take seriously,” Farah pointed.

Monday, October 27, 2014

With only 63 MLAs, Shiv Sena looking for allies to fill up large number of ministries demanded by it from BJP

Mumbai. If sources from Shiv Sena are to be believed, number of ministries demanded by senior leaders of the party from BJP, in lieu of their support, have now exceeded the number of MLAs they have won in just concluded assembly elections.

In order to make up for the blunder, Shiv Sena is now looking for allies that can help party accommodate such ministries once BJP agrees to their demands.

Father son duo begging other MLAs to join Shiv Sena.

“In our ego and over excitement we have by now demanded so many ministries, that god forbid if BJP bows down to our demands, we won’t have sufficient number of MLAs to fill up those ministries and it will be a huge embarrassment to the party and Marathi pride and people in particular,” one Shiv Sena MLA confirmed the development to Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

Party chief and still CM hopeful Uddhav Thackeray too conceded the error in judgment made by him and other senior leaders.

“In hindsight, I feel we may have gone overboard and forgotten our own strength before making such huge demands. But I am glad we stopped before exceeding the number of ministries an Indian state has,” said a tensed and at the same time relieved Uddhav.

He however lashed out at our reporter when he told him that instead of looking for more MLAs from allies, he could instead take back the demands and end the matter there.

“Yeda ho gela aahe kya? We have an ego to keep. We can’t go back on our words and demands now, so naturally we will have to look for other means and ways to make sure those ministries once allocated to us can be adjusted,” reasoned Uddhav.

“Atta maajhi satakali!,” he roared when the reporter asked if ego was so important.

Meanwhile MNS chief Raj Thackeray is now planning to demand the constituency, where his party won their lone seat in Maharasthra be declared a separate state, where he could be CM.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Man unable to swallow food without watching something on mobile, TV or laptop

Delhi. Amit Sharma, a young working professional from the city is facing a bizarre problem of not being able to swallow food without watching something on mobile, TV or laptop.

Reportedly, the problem is a serious side effect of Amit’s old habit of eating while staring at either mobile, TV or laptop screen.

For easy swallowing.

Amit first realized this problem when he was visiting a restaurant with one of his friends.

“Somehow I forgot to carry my mobile phone along with me and even the large LCD TV at the restaurant was not working because of technical issues. Once the food was served, I started eating. But to my shock, I was unable to swallow the food,” Amit narrated the incident from last evening, adding that it was then he asked his friend to play some video on his mobile and place it at the centre of the table, “And it worked!”

Explaining the problem, a doctor says, mobile, TV and laptop have started acting like saliva, which helps in swallowing food.

“It has finally happened because Amit is doing this for years. He doesn’t even remember when was the last time he ate food while looking at food and not looking at some screen,” Naresh Agrawal, the psychologist who is treating Amit told Faking News.

Adding further Naresh Agrawal said, he was expecting more of such cases to come.

“Out there, many people don’t even know that they are suffering from the same problem which Amit is facing. I request them to perform a check by trying to eat with no mobile, laptop or TV nearby,” said a worried Dr. Agrawal.

Meanwhile, taking a cue from the incident, few restaurants have increased their count of large TVs.

“We care for our customers, and we want them to have a pleasant eating experience at our restaurant,” commented owner of a famous restaurant.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Friday faking release: Atithi Tum Kab Jaoge?

Movie based on Narendra Modi’s decision to spend Diwali with Kashmir flood victims.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Pictorially correct: Airfare war, Black money, Modi in Kashmir, Divorce and Cracker-free Diwali

We read some real news reports from various news websites, and decided to change the picture to make it more real:

Facebook check-in at airport is cheaper than ever.

….. because nothing could embarrass Congress, ever.

With state elections round the corner, look how happy Omar Abdullah is with Modi’s decision.

Real life example.

For those who are dying to celebrate cracker-free Diwali.

Activists appeal people to get unconscious for two days for a totally safe Diwali

New Delhi. The annual festival of saying no to crackers has found a new vigor as revelers have appealed people to make themselves comatose for two days, so that a totally safe and green Diwali is observed.

“We have found out the root cause of the problem of pollution – it is the people who can’t say no to crackers,” said an activist who has been saying no to crackers every Diwali, even though his housing society bursts more crackers on the New Year’s eve than on Diwali.

Activists released a poster showing the ideal way to celebrate Diwali

“Crackers don’t cause pollution all by themselves, it’s the people who burn them on Diwali cause pollution. That’s why we have realized that saying no to crackers is not enough, we have to say no to these people,” the activist explained.

“If these guys are made to lie unconscious for two days – on chhoti Diwali and badi Diwali – we could have the safest Diwali ever,” he added.

Since activists believe in individual liberty and personal choice, they rejected a proposal to forcibly feed sedatives and sleeping pills to Diwali enthusiasts. Instead, they have started a campaign asking these enthusiasts to turn themselves into virtual dead meat during the festival.

“We are requesting them to try some high power drugs or take some overdose of sleeping pills, so that they don’t end up doing something that is unsafe for the environment and fellow human beings,” the activist explained the latest awareness campaign.

Activists claim that if people just lie unconscious, environment will benefit like anything.

“They won’t light diyas or decorative lamps, which will save oxygen and electricity, and thus lower greenhouse gas emissions,” one of the activists pointed out, “And don’t get us wrong, it’s for their own good. If they are not unconscious, they might end up eating mithai made up of adulterated khoya and fall ill.”

“We care for them,” the activist claimed.

Activists clarified that they were not against human beings but against human beings harming environment on Diwali, the most lethal day for environment.

“It is not practical, and we have to live with those,” an activist told Faking News when asked why they were not in favor of putting smokers, car owners, event managers, manufacturers, builders, etc. in coma for a few days too.

To avoid extra calories, die hard pizza fan found throwing out pizza from his mouth after chewing it

New Delhi. Anmol Chaturvedi, a diet conscious man in his early twenties was found throwing out pizza from his mouth after chewing it.

Anmol, a die hard pizza fan do this on regular basis just in order to avoid swallowing in pizza and putting on extra weight.

Chew and throw.

“For health reasons, doctor has asked me to avoid pizza. But look, I found an innovative solution to the problem which will not only help me, but a lot of other people too, who are facing similar trouble,” Anmol said adding that his innovation is inspired from the act of mouth fagging.

“It’s just like taking a smoking cigarette so that smoke is inhaled into the mouth without reaching the lungs and exhaled immediately. Eating pizza that way makes me feel that I am eating a pizza, and at the same time keep me safe from its harmful effects,” Anmol continued with a sigh of relief.

In a piece of advice to fellow pizza maniacs, Anmol said that it was perfectly fine and not at all an act of psycho to just chew the pizza.

“To begin with, it will look bizarre and as a matter of fact will not be that easy to do even if you want to do it. With pizza inside your mouth, it’s not a child play to stop yourself from swallowing it. But at that point of time, you need to convince yourself that, now, it’s of no use to swallow it. Your taste buds have already enjoyed it, and swallowing it at that point will give a rather more disgusting death to your beloved pizza than throwing it out. You know what happens with foods, once they reach inside stomach? With acid and all inside, it’s pretty brutal,” Anmol concluded his sentimental appeal.

“And once inside your stomach, your favourite pizza is converted into shit by the digestive system. Do you want it to happen with the pizza you love so much?” a teary eyed Anmol questioned.

Meanwhile, sensing that many more could follow Anmol’s suggestion, playing safe, pizza brands have started working on creating chewing gum type pizzas.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Man spends his birthday replying “Thank you bhai” to every single wish he got on Facebook

Mumbai. Alok Singh, a young man in his mid twenties spent his 25th birthday replying “Thank you bhai” to each and every birthday wish which he got on Facebook.

As per Alok, wishes started pouring in on Facebook even before the clock hit 12 last night.

“I was freaked out to see the rate at which people were writing messages on my wall. I was more worried than happy. The only thing that was going in my mind was, how the hell I am going to say thank you to so many wishes,” Alok narrated what happened last night, adding that he didn’t want to thank all of them by writing a single status update.

By the end, Alok was left with no energy to celebrate his birthday.

“I can’t be that rude. I mean, those guys took out at least 10 seconds from the precious time, which often runs in hours that they invest daily into Facebook, to wish me happy birthday. How could I possibly let their efforts go unnoticed?” Alok reasoned why he chose to individually reply to around 500 wishes he got on Facebook.

However, it wasn’t that easy for Alok to motivate himself to achieve this feat of replying ‘thank you’ to every wish.

“To begin with, I was very unmotivated to see the length of the journey that I was planning to complete, just for the sake of my principles. The much easier option of replying back all using a single update was always there. It was then, I remembered what my grandfather had told me once: there will always be two paths to your goal. The most ethical one will always look tough; avoid falling for the easier one,” Alok simplified his decision making process.

Listening to what his heart said and what he felt was right, Alok started the journey of thousand miles with one single step.

“I ‘liked’ the first wish, and then in reply I wrote, ‘Thank you bhai’. Now there was no turning back. I had jumped into the sea, and had only two options, either to learn how to swim or to drown,” Alok explained how he embarked upon the journey of liking and replying to every Facebook wish he received.

His father too is proud of his son’s courageous and righteous decision, and compares it to his own, when he smiled back at everyone who wished him on his wedding reception night around 27 years ago.

Alok spent his whole day liking the birthday wishes and copy-pasting ‘Thank you bhai’ in reply to all of them. However, in the process, he mistakenly replied ‘Thank you bhai’ to few of the girls who had wished him.