Faking News - leading news satire website of India: September 2014

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Karnataka MLAs plan a short foreign trip while Arnab is in USA

Bangalore. Taking advantage of Arnab Goswami’s absence from the nation for some days, few MLAs from Karnataka have decided to organize a short foreign trip to Australia and New Zealand.

Arguing that they want to make the most of Arnab’s absence and also the fact that they couldn’t explore those places in entirety the last time they were there on an alleged ‘study tour’, these MLAs have decided to complete their trip from where they left it.

Make hay while Arnab is away.

“Last time we couldn’t enjoy ourselves fully. Physically we were abroad, but mentally we were still in Times Now studios, Lower Parel. For more than half the duration of the trip, we were in our hotel rooms, hooked on to Times Now. There was a constant sword hanging on our heads,” an MLA who proposed the idea, told Faking News.

The plans for a re tour were made right after MLAs got to know about Arnab’s plans to travel to USA. Immediately after catching hold of Arnab’s US itinerary, MLAs made a plea on humanity grounds and got the trip sanctioned by state govt.

These MLAs have been trying to keep the trip a hush hush affair and have planned it in such a way that their return coincides with Arnab’s return to India.

“And even if he does find out about this trip after coming back from USA, he wouldn’t dare take us on after having himself being on an unnecessary foreign junket,” argued a naive MLA who has been obviously oblivious to Arnab’s sanctimoniousness.

These MLAs are further hoping that Modi just doesn’t stop at USA visit but makes more such visits to other countries in near future.

“Only when Modi makes more such foreign trips, can we MLAs have more independence back in India,” another MLA pointed.

Efforts are also afloat to make Times Now also added to the list of news channels like DD News which officially accompany PM on foreign visits.

Meanwhile not just MLAs, but many other groups who are constantly on Arnab’s radar are trying to enjoy this temporary freedom and make the most out of it.

While Pakistan army is contemplating going more offensive in ceasefire violations; Sanjay Jha, not used to not being persecuted for so long, was seen begging random strangers on streets of Mumbai to abuse him.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Rajdeep says, he was practicing dealing with bullies before his next interview with Raj Thackeray

New York. Soon after getting himself engaged into a brawl outside Madison Square Garden, famous journalist and news anchor Rajdeep Sardesai clarified that he was practicing to deal with bullies before his next interview with Raj Thackeray.

Rajdeep wasn’t too much happy with his last interview with MNS chief, in which Rajdeep was clearly on back foot.

Rajdeep feeling confident.

“To be frank, I wasn’t liking Raj Thackeray’s tone of voice and the way he was talking to me. Although, I was willing to jump and grab him by the collar, I forgave him. I was the host and that was our studio, so I had to maintain decency,” Rajdeep told Faking News adding that his anger is quite dangerous.

But now, Rajdeep wants to free his hand, pretty much like Arnab Goswami’s mouth.

“You see, time is changing and we have to change ourselves and the way we journalists work. We have to be more and more action oriented,” Rajdeep continued justifying the way he interacted with Modi supporters.

“That guy was talking to me like some rowdy, just because I was asking some tough questions. All of a sudden it reminded me of my interview with Raj Thackeray, and then I thought, enough is enough, let’s do it. And then I immediately grabbed him by the collar,” Rajdeep narrated the whole incident.

Rajdeep wanted to pass Raj Thackeray a strong message that he was not the same Rajdeep. “Next time when he will be sitting in front of me in studio, Raj has to be beware of me,” he concluded.

Charged up with his own actions, Rajdeep reportedly wants to start his own prime time debate – The Fighthour.

A source close to him revealed that it will be a mix of The Newshour and Fight Club.

“I heard Rajdeep saying that on ‘The Fighthour’, there will be only one rule, that there are no rules. During the debate, everybody will be free to attack each other and set of the studio will resemble to that of a wrestling ring. And Rajdeep himself will be referee,” disclosed the source.

Meanwhile, Raj Thackeray has offered his full support to Rajdeep and said that he was ready to be the first guest on Rajdeep’s show.

“Let me check his newly found guts, if it’s real of fake,” said Raj Thackeray.

Now “DDA flat cracking” coaching centers open up in Kota

Kota. After witnessing huge number of applications being filed for DDA’s housing scheme 2014 across India, many institutes have sprung up in Kota, Rajasthan claiming to offer “crash courses” and “refresher courses” on how to crack the scheme.

“We feel competition here is thousand times more tougher than any IIT, IAS, or Medical exams in the country. Being able to get a flat among those 25000 odd flats on offer, is as good as topping the IIT-JEE exam, to put it in right perspective,” said a 24 years old man, who has decided to put his IIT aspirations on hold to set up a institute.

With just few days remaining to apply for the scheme, many renowned coaching institutes too have decided to offer a crash course and discontinued all other courses for a while.

Understanding the nuances of DDA housing scheme.

“Helping students crack an IIT exam is not challenging anymore and doesn’t give me any kick,” argued a 35 year old Salman Khan fan and teacher at Bansal coaching institute, “I am sure I will be able to derive that kick by coaching people get a flat in DDA scheme.”

But the Rajasthan state govt is confused whether to allow coaching institutes to go ahead with this course or not.

“Kota is a very small city and cannot handle such large population. God forbid if even 30% of those who have applied turn up for the course it will be huge population explosion, which the city’s infrastructure is not prepared to handle,” explained the MLA of Kota.

However many students preparing for IIT and other exams in Kota have welcomed the move.

“I think it is payback time for me. All these years my parents taunted me and said I was good for nothing. Now let me see if they have it in them to crack a seat in this DDA,” said an 18 year old student as his parents enrolled themselves in one of those centers.

Meanwhile quite a few who had bought the application forms are now contemplating selling them to a scrap dealer, instead of applying.

“With so many people in the race, I think I have a better chance getting some real returns by selling it to a raddiwala,” argued a man.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

iPhone6 fanboys vow to break their skulls if the iPhone6 is not unbreakable

Mumbai: The launch of the new iPhone6 has resulted in crazy chatter among the apple fanboys (the cooler ones even call themselves Apple FanBoi) about the awesome new features of the phone.

The blood pressure & hypertension of many papas across the nation has shot up recently as the chant of “Daddy Daddy, pocket money badhao” is spreading across the nation.

Doctors have claimed it is nothing short of an epidemic and are rapidly taking back their words “An apple a day, keeps the doctor away” before they get mobbed. From tattoos of half eaten apples on the adams apple of young boys to toddlers insisting that the only fruit they will take in their tiffin box is Apple, the iPhone6 is undoubtedly the biggest sensation of the year!

But that’s just skimming the surface. Apart from the larger screen (now size matters for Apple Fanbois) and fitness tracker, have you heard about the latest claim about the iPhone6 being UNBREAKABLE? It is the hottest news since the Unsinkable Titanic.

Android users who have challenged the claim, are facing angry retorts with some fanbois even willing to put the iPhone6 to the ultimate crash-test. From stamping on it while dancing to bhangra beats to slamming it against the wall after frustrating client meetings, ask any Apple fanbuoy and he will be willing to give you a “Crash-course” just to prove that the iPhone 6 is unbreakable.

Here’s a pic of one such fanbuoy throwing the iPhone against Salman Khan’s chest to prove it.

Fanboy vs bhai – can iPhone6 survive bhai’s body?

Baba Doorbhash Das takes credit for this unique feature but was unavailable for comment. We could only find his followers chanting “Baba ka haath hai saath nahi chhutega, duniya badal jayegi, iPhone6 nahi tootega!”

Ankit Technowadia, an IT professional has even made a site to prove the claim. Check it out at http://ift.tt/YzWShM

To increase voter turnout, government gives voting rights to court cases older than 18 years

New Delhi. In an unprecedented move, the government has announced voting rights to court cases older than 18 years. This has reportedly been done in a bid to improve the dwindling voter turnout in elections.

Lalu’s reaction to the news.

Speaking to Faking News, Scamander Singh, a spokesperson of the government said, “India, despite having huge voting population, suffers from low voter turnouts across the country. To improve these voter turnouts, government has decided to provide voting rights to all court cases pending for more than 18 years. Right now, we have close to 30 million pending cases, out of which close to 10 million cases are older than 18 years. These 10 million cases with voting rights will surely add to the low voter turnout.”

“For all the cases with voting rights, any of the judges who have sat on any hearing on the case, can vote on its behalf. This landmark decision will enable us to rightly use these pending cases to our advantage,” Mr. Scam Singh further added.

Following this decision, Facebook and Twitter have also started allowing profiles for court cases older than 15 years, as advocated by their terms of conditions.

Now, it is not long before we see the Saradha Chit Fund Scam case vote for Mamata Banerjee or the Disproportionate Assets Case vote for Jayalalithaa, thus scams paying off electorally.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Friday faking release: Break Ke Baad

Similar story for Congress-NCP break up

Provoked by an Indian’s claim that Modi alone could handle 10 Obamas, Obama challenges Modi for a wrestling match

Washington, D.C. Amazed and outraged after hearing comment of an Indian, Albela Mishra (fictitious name), who had earlier said that Modi alone could handle ten Obamas, US President has challenged Prime Minister Modi for a friendly wrestling match.

Albela Mishra made this sensational claim, along with many other claims like each Indian is capable of keeping five six Chinese in his/her pocket, while addressing a group of fellow Indians in Delhi Metro.

Is it possible? Was Albela Mishra correct?

You can watch that highly patriotic video here.

The viral video reached the US President too. A charged up Obama immediately challenged Narendra Modi to take out half an hour from his busy schedule to take part in a wrestling match.

“It’s a good opportunity for both the countries to test who between us is more powerful. And as even Albela Mishra suggested, this should be the ideal way to decide which country is more powerful. So let’s do it,” Obama said in a press conference at White House, adding that one should not judge people by their physical appearance.

“I may be less muscular than Modi, but that doesn’t mean Modi is capable of handling ten people like me,” Obama claimed, while taking off his shirt and flexing his muscles.

However, on being reminded that Modi was on Navratri fast, and it would be unfair on his part to challenge Modi at this point of time, Obama said that even he was ready to fast to make things even.

“Starting today, even I am on fast, and on the third day from today, I will fight with Modi,” he announced.

Reportedly, Obama has also invited Albela Mishra to watch the much awaited wrestling match.

Back home, talking exclusively to Faking News, Albela Mishra once again reiterated his faith in Narendra Modi.

“Modi aisa dhobi pachaad maarenge Obama ko ki wo chaaro khaane chhitra jayega,” Mr. Mishra told Faking News.

Now whole world is eagerly waiting for this match, and if all goes well it might be accepted as a legal way to settle down disputes between two countries.

“It would be a good idea of organize a similar fight between Modi and Nawaz Sharif to end Kashmir issue, and between Putin and Ukrainian President to end Crimea problem,” hoped United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.

Meanwhile, a miffed Chinese President is mulling over the idea to dare Modi at India-China border in Ladakh.

“Being a 6 ft tall guy, Xi Jinping is pretty sure that Modi will not manage to keep him inside his pocket,” disclosed a source close to Chinese government.

Leaked scenes from upcoming movie on Dhoni

Faking News brings to you leaked scenes from the upcoming biopic of Mahendra Singh Dhoni. The movie is inspired from many classics of Bollywood and Hollywood, and each scene is a tribute to those classics. Take a look:

The movie will show where Dhoni’s midas touch began, after like Aamir in Lagaan, he trusted Joginder Sharma over other bowlers during the 2007 T20 World Cup.

The movie documents the much talked about friendship between Dhoni and Jadeja.

The untold story about Dhoni will reveal how Captain Cool also loses his cool sometimes. Here he is seen talking to James Anderson after he had a tiff with his best friend Jadeja.

The movie will also see a young Dhoni who liked to dress up like Jack Sparrow, because that’s what he would become as captain of team India.

Dhoni saying Ambati Rayadu, “Just sit quitely, you don’t have to do anything.”

That iconic oment when Dhoni tells Sehwag “Mere pass Srini mama hai“.

As a kid Dhoni would get off railway track in last second. That is where he honed his finishing skills.

Dhoni trying his favourite helicopter shot.

The movie also deals with Dhoni’s relationship with his team mates. Here he is seen giving some pep talk to Ishant Sharma before he gets ready to bowl.

Dhoni warned “tumse na ho paayega” but Ishant still bowled. Movie will tell the untold story.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

As Mangalyaan attains celebrity status, Times of India to send a spacecraft to take its hot pics

Delhi. After realizing that Mangalyaan has attained celebrity status in India, leading daily Times of India has decided to send a spacecraft in outer space to take hot pics of ISRO’s Mars orbiter.

TOI, which is committed to serve the nation in its own way, zeroed upon this decision in a late night emergency meeting at its headquarters.

As per TOI, public is bored of seeing typical Mangalyaan pics.

“We are amazed by the way common Indians are going gaga over the Mars orbiter. It was then I thought, dude, we need to do something. People want to know more about Mangalyaan and want to see more of it. And being the industry leader, it’s our duty to show them what they want to see,” said Vicky Goyal, a senior TOI executive, who initially proposed this idea of sending the spacecraft, “We can’t let our countrymen down.”

After much brainstorming, TOI management has even thought of a name for it.

“It will be called Paparazziyaan and its sole duty will be to get hot pics of famous satellites and other things roaming around in outer space,” Vicky Goyal further revealed, adding that Paparazziyaan is TOI’s most ambitious project till date.

“We have never spend so much energy and resources to get sensational and revealing pics of any celebrity. But Mangalyaan is special for us, we will do whatever it takes,” Mr. Goyal concluded.

Reportedly, before deciding to start their own project, TOI authorities had contacted NASA to rent Hubble Space Telescope for a month. But, things didn’t work out, as TOI was asking for pictures of Mangalyaan from only specific angles.

“Who wants to see normal pics of a celebrity? So we thought, better to go ahead with our own project,” marketing head of the newspaper told Faking News. “We want to show the world inner beauty of Mangalyaan.”

With a dedicated spacecraft of its own, TOI is targeting to get revealing pics of not only Mangalyaan but of aliens too.

“In case of any possible encounter with aliens in outer space, Paparazziyaan will click their pics too. Just imagine, TOI will become first news daily to show aliens’ hot pics,” hoped head of TOI group.

Meanwhile, company’s senior management is in talks with sponsors who have agreed to partly finance the project after TOI promised to place their ads on the outer body of Paparazziyaan.

Story of Dhoni’s biopic leaked, reveals Dhoni’s secret twin who plays Test cricket

Mumbai. In a Dhoom-3 style shocking revelation, the story of Dhoni’s planned biopic has revealed the existence of a secret twin, who has played Test matches for India, under MS Dhoni’s name.

MS Dhoni’s biopic titled “MS Dhoni, the untold story” with Sushant Singh Rajput in the lead, was unveiled yesterday with a lot of fanfare.

Secret revealed.

The unusual title of the movie created a lot of speculation about the story of the movie among fans worldwide. Early rumours had suggested that the movie might be based on Dhoni’s untold confessions to the Supreme Court on the IPL scandal.

However, Faking News has confirmed today that the biopic is about the existence of a secret twin of MS Dhoni, who played Test cricket for India under Dhoni’s name after the 0-8 drubbing in England and Australia.

Dhoni was supposedly pretty upset after the 0-8 drubbing in tests that he decided to unveil his secret twin MS Srini, to play Test cricket.

While MS Dhoni kept winning international tournaments in the shorter versions of the game, MS Srini kept losing in Test cricket.

The movie also shows MS Dhoni playing the 2011 World Cup final and MS Srini carrying the trophy next day in front of the Taj Mahal, explaining the difference in hairstyle of Dhoni between the two days.

This revelation has left cricketers and fans world over shocked. N Srinivasan, the only person aware of the twin other than the MS Dhoni family, refused to comment.

So, the next time you find the Indian cricket captain visibly uninterested in Test cricket, you know whom to blame.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

ISRO dismayed after learning that Pratibha Patil had traveled more distance than Mangalyaan

Bangalore. As soon as Mangalyaan entered into Mars orbit after traveling a distance of 650 million kilometers, massive celebrations began at the ISRO control room.

But their happiness was short-lived, as they got a WhatsApp message mentioning that their pet project Mangalyaan has not yet broken the record of traveling the most distance by an Indian entity.

The journey of a light years begins with one step.

On receiving the message, a dismayed ISRO chief told our correspondent Marsilamani, “Our entire team has put in their efforts to make Mangalyaan the first Indian entity to travel the most distance. But who would have thought that we would be left far behind in the race. We still have a long way to go and we have not yet lost hope.”

ISRO is now planning to depute a special team to research into the travel schedule of the former president to calculate how far behind they are in the race.

Going by the initial reports, ISRO is afraid that the distance could be in light years.

A close aide of Pratibha Patil said, “Our madam was totally dedicated to the task of building ties with all countries. This was done only for the benefit of our motherland. Record does not matter for her.”

On contacting Smt Patil, she told us, “It sure is a matter of pride to be the record holder. I only wish that I had one more chance to travel. Last when I spoke to the ISRO Chief, he had promised that he would help me embark on a trip to Mars. But this could never happen during my tenure. Well, what else can I say, my dream of visiting Mars still remains unfulfilled.”

Meanwhile, on hearing that the entire Mars Mission cost only Rs. 450 crores, Beni Prasad Verma commented, “Rs. 450 crores is a small amount for a space project. If It was Rs. 45000 crores, I would have taken it seriously.”

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Pictorially correct: iPhone 6, Deepika vs TOI, China intrusion

We read some real news reports from various news websites, and decided to change the picture to make it more real:

Tim Cook is a happy man, even happier than Apple customers.

Almost everyone after reading this TOI response.

Wow, that’s a fancy tent.

We will continue to make news pictorially correct for you, stay tuned.

Bilawal Bhutto practicing to become Superman so that he could stop Mangalyaan from entering Mars orbit

Islamabad. Pakistan’s own superhero Bilawal Bhutto is practicing hard to become Superman, so that he could stop India’s Mangalyaan from entering Mars orbit.

Reportedly, Bilawal is quite pissed off by the way Indians reacted to his recent Kashmir comment, in which he promised Pakistan population that he would take back entire Kashmir from India.

Ready to rock the world.

“He is planning to give a befitting reply to those who mocked him and doubted his capabilities,” said Bilawal’s father Asif Ali Zardari, adding that Bilawal wants to show India a glimpse of his power. “He is Chairman of Pakistan Peoples Party at such an young age because he is special. We know his power, India tried to mess with the wrong guy. Now Indians have to pay for their over the top reaction on Bilawal’s comment.”

Bilawal wants to hit India where it hurts the most, and what could be better target than Mangalyaan which is all set to enter Mars orbit on 24th of September.

“He wants to pass a strong message to India. If we analyze what Bilawal is actually capable of doing, taking back every inch of Kashmir is a child’s play,” Zardari further added while beaming with pride.

Sources close to Bhutto family say, Bilawal is practicing hard by jumping off from boundary wall of his house while wearing a Superman costume.

“He has got the power, and all he is doing currently is polishing it. Hopefully by tonight he will be as skillful as Superman,” said a close aide of Bilawal.

Bilawal Bhutto is hoping to reach near Mangalyaan in just couple of hours.

“Next morning I am planning to wake up in the night, may be around 4 am, and then will take off from terrace of my Bungalow. I will be carrying a big bag in which I will put Mangalyaan and bring back to Pakistan,” Bilawal told Faking News revealing his plans.

Meanwhile, taking precautionary safety measures to stop Bilawal from taking away Kashmir, Indian army has put a board at the Indo-Pak border with message – “Kashmir has been relocated to Ireland”.