Faking News - leading news satire website of India: June 2014

Monday, June 30, 2014

New football follower runs out of football jokes as World Cup enters knock-out stage

New Delhi. Ravi Gupta, a cricket-turned-football follower for the duration of FIFA World, is feeling nervous since last night when he discovered that he had run out of all football related jokes that he could crack to show that he was truly following and enjoying the game.

The 22-year-old was forced to follow football earlier this month as everyone in his social circle had started talking about the World Cup and he didn’t want to be left behind.

Ravi is praying that some streaker runs onto the ground in a match soon, so that he can get some interesting and understandable event to talk about.

Now that the tournament is in the knock-out stage and has become even more interesting, Ravi finds himself short of jokes that he can tweet or post on Facebook to show that he was in the game.

“Suarez biting that chilli or something guy was the best thing!” Ravi told Faking News, “I could crack so many jokes. And frankly, I loved it. But nothing similar has happened after that.”

Earlier, Ravi posted stuff like “Brazil’s defense is weaker than Alia Bhatt’s GK” and “Ab ki baar, Neymar” on Facebook and Twitter, but now he has run out of all formats of the joke.

“Well, frankly the game is boring,” Ravi bared his true feelings, “Most of the times the balls is nowhere near the goalpost or the goalkeeper, where the real action takes place. Contrast it with cricket, where the ball always passes close to the wickets and the wicketkeeper is in action during every ball.”

Apart from jokes, Ravi searched for “football babes” and other similar keywords to keep himself motivated, and he claims that he actually developed some “interest” in the game.

“I started liking Chile after watching their reporters celebrating but even they got knocked out the same day by those samba dancing Brazilians, killing my interest,” he rued.

With his interest levels going down even as the tournament enters the interesting phase, Ravi is feeling nervous and is desperately looking for new jokes, for FIFA World Cup continues for another couple of weeks.

“I had a bit of such problem in last Olympics, but Olympics got over so soon!” he said.

Right now Ravi is desperately waiting for India-England cricket series to start so that he can go back to joking about Ishant Sharma.

Google to partner with fashion brands to come up with Android Wear fall collection

California, USA. After the launch of “Android Wear” in the recent Google I/O, Google has decided to go all out to promote its latest innovation.

Sources tell Faking News that Google will team up with Dolce & Gabbana this year to launch the maiden fall collection of Android Wear featuring android powered purses and shoes.

The Google Girl

The purses will be armed with an anti-theft alarm and will alert the users about the money they are left with when they go out for shopping. It will also suggest the users what to buy.

Like the Android Auto, the shoes will be designed to give the user directions while walking. Wearers can also their incoming messages and mails on their shoes when they sit crossed leg.

“The decision to launch this collection was much in line with our Made With Code project that aims to promote technology among young women. It isn’t fair that driving-challenged women be left out of our Android Wear collection,” a Google employee told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

Experts are not surprised at this move as Google had partnered with chocolate brand Kit-Kat earlier.

Meanwhile, as a counter move to this initiative, Apple is all set to launch its own collection of purses and shoes to be called “iWear”, in association with Gucci.

The special feature of the iWear collection will be that the products will be over-priced and run on iOS.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Making sex education part of school curriculum will make students lose interest in sex: Harsh Vardhan

New Delhi. Justifying his view about banning sex education in schools, Union Health Minister Dr. Harsh Vardhan warned that future citizens of India will lose all interest in sex if it was made part of school curriculum.

“There is a clear and present danger. We all know how students start hating normal subjects like Maths and History, just because they are part of the curriculum and they are asked to study. It’s a natural tendency to think of things in curriculum as boring,” Harsh Vardhan explained to Faking News why he was in favor of expelling sex education from schools.

“Simple logic hai yaar”

“They accuse me of following RSS agendas, but I’m trying to prevent India from becoming a country of baal brahamchaaris. How is this RSS agenda?” he further defended himself.

Dr. Harsh Vardhan believes that it is better if students explore the subject of sex on their own. Just like they explore their hobbies and streets in the regions.

“See, I accept that we need sex education,” he said, “If we ban sex education, students will suddenly get interested i this. Self motivated students will learn about sex with more zeal as compared to what they would have learnt about it in school.”

Many school students agreed with Doctor’s unconventional prescriptions.

“Today it is sex, tomorrow they will have a class on Facebook and Twitter,” said Priyank, a class 10th student of Delhi Public School while watching an MMS on WhatsApp, “I mean, teachers, leave the kids alone!”

Priyank too claimed that keeping sex education out of curriculum will promote natural exploring instinct in students.

“Till class 6, I used to think that babies were born when married people kissed each other, but I kept researching to know the truth. And finally in class 7, after going out in local cyber cafe, I came to know about the real truth. But see, I never did any such research after school time to understand structure of an atom,” he explained.

While many agree with this logic, there are some who claim that if sex education was kept out of official curriculum, private parties will start offering coaching to teach the subject.

“After medical and IIT coaching, Kota could see mushrooming of sex education coaching centers next,” an expert warned.

Friday faking release: Ek Villain

Even though the National Herald land grab case was helpfully forgotten by the mainstream media and anti-corruption crusaders, Subramanian Swamy has brought it back into headlines through his legal trolling. This has made him a villain in the eyes of the Gandhis:

Swamy vs Gandhis

Thursday, June 26, 2014

US to attack King’s Landing to establish democracy after Tyrion tells them about oil beneath it

Washington, DC. Taking note of the unrest and the ongoing civil war for the Iron Throne in Westeros, United States of America has decided to intervene and establish peaceful democracy in the region.

Although bloodshed and violence has been going on for ages in Westeros, US decided to intervene after Tyrion Lannister, who is currently at large after killing his father, informed Barack Obama about presence of huge oil reserve beneath King’s Landing and in other parts of the continent.

United States’ first target.

However, White House has flatly rejected any suggestion that US move was linked to the presence of any oil reserves. US reiterated that they were acting out of their concern for the well-being of the people of Westeros.

“Westeros is turning into a worse mess than even Iraq and Afghanistan. Lawlessness is on rise, everybody is killing somebody, and with so many autocratic lords, the whole continent is becoming a living hell. So it’s the duty of United States to interfere and ensure safety of locals, no matter how far the continent is,” US President Barack Obama said while making a formal announcement of his plan.

However, some experts think that US may not find any oil in Westeros like they couldn’t find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. According to some full-time conspiracy theorists active on the US soil, US if being manipulated by Tyrion, who is working on his master plan to destroy Seven Kingdoms.

“As of now, Tyrion is powerless and a fugitive. Taking help of US is the only way by which he can ensure his safe return to King’s Landing. I guess he has is trying to lure US and passing them wrong information,” a close aide of Tyrion confirmed to Faking News.

According to latest reports, US has already started working on a strategy to attack Westeros. Sources say that they are eying an alliance with White Walkers, who live beyond the wall. US army is planning to use White Walkers’ knowledge of local terrain to cross the wilderness of Beyond the Wall.

They insist that this alliance is totally in line with their aim to promote and establish a democracy in the region.

“We will start from north side of the continent and will gradually move southward towards King’s Landing. Our first target will be Night’s Watch’s headquarters – The Castle Black,” William Alfred, a senior official of US government explained the road-map to peace and democracy.

“But we know that it will be tough to convince US as we have no trade relations with them and we don’t deal in dollars,” feared Cersei Lannister, daughter of deceased Tywin Lannister, “So, we are preparing for war. And to handle US drones at Castle Black, Daenerys has agreed to send her dragons to join members of Night’s Watch.”

Delhi University’s FYUP deadlock resolved, students allowed to bunk 1 out of 4 years

New Delhi. The ongoing impasse over Delhi University’s four-year undergraduate program (FYUP) has been resolved.

Sources tell Faking News that in a tripartite meeting attended by representatives of the Delhi University (DU), the University Grants Commission (UGC), and millions of Student Unions present on DU campus, the representatives could find a common ground.

“The solution massages everyone’s ego and implementation of the solution is very easy,” a source disclosed, “Apart from ego, it also satisfies needs and demands of the three parties involved.”

As per the arrangement, DU has been allowed to offer the FYUP with a curriculum that allows the students to bunk one full year of the program.

It’s party time on the campus

“Since technically it will be a four-year program, DU is happy. UGC is happy that the course curriculum is essentially of three years, while students are happy that they will have the luxury of bunking an entire year,” a DU professor explained.

Sources claim the solution was proposed by a professor who was planning to go on a holiday owing to the FYUP impasse and thus the delay in admissions. While looking for hotel stay packages, he came across a deal where he was offered 4th night stay free for paying up only for 3 nights.

Once this idea was tossed in the meeting, all the three parties displayed great maturity and ingenuity to resolve the long standing issue. Within four minutes, representatives agreed to end the impasse.

As soon as the news of the resolution was broken, there were widespread celebrations by everyone on the campus.

Professors at DU, except the Vice Chancellor, are happy that they won’t have to teach for an extra year as students will be busy bunking classes, while UGC officials are happy that DU was doing what they had always wanted.

Expectedly, the students are the happiest.

“This is awesome!” said a student with 99% marks hoping to get admission in DU, “But I fear that the cutoffs for the FYUP will get really high as everyone loves to bunk. It will be most sought after course.”

“It is a step in right direction,” a DUSU leader told Faking News, “Bunking, a very important feature in a student’s life, finally gets the due that it always deserved. We have always fought for injustice towards this long standing ritual and are happy that our friends will not have to come up with lame excuses for doing something that should have been legal way back.”

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Government to pay Google $20 billion for acquiring IRCTC

New Delhi: Exclusive sources tell Faking News that Modi-led government has sold IRCTC to Google, and unlike other deals where the seller gets money, the government has paid Google $20 billion for acquiring the website.

Confirming the deal, Google issued a press statement that read: “Google is blessed to have acquired IRCTC – India’s fastest ticket booking website. We have always believed that it’s not the amount that is important but it’s the product that is important. What we have acquired are hard-working people and hardly working servers. Now we will serve you with a smile. $20 billion is nothing. Frustration of 20 billion people is what matters to us and we like it.”

Larry Page announcing the acquisition.

IRCTC staff and officials were happy with the development as they are all Google employees now. They believe that they can now get holidays by asking their kids to write leave letters.

“We were afraid after reading news reports that Modi government was asking babus to work and our holidays could get cancelled. Thank god for this!” said an official on the conditions of anonymity.

However, some employees are apprehensive about their future with Google.

“Working with IRCTC has me believe in destiny. Getting a ticket booked is not about money or internet connection, but it is all about luck and time planning. But here at Google they are always talking about speed and money,” an IRCTC-turned-Google employee disclosed.

Many experts believe that Google has acquired something divine, and that too without paying a penny.

“IRCTC is the world’s most unique website. Unlike Google, Facebook, and Twitter, whose servers are located somewhere on earth and are serviced by humans, IRCTC servers are blessed by Shiva, Bhramha and Vishnu. Every time when a transaction fails you get a message from one of the lords asking you to try again,” a tech expert claimed.

It is not yet clear why the government paid money to Google to acquire and run the website.

“This government is for the coporates, by the corporates, and of the corporates. Only big business houses have got achchhe din; yehi toh scam hai,” an Aam Aadmi Party leader protested.

But experts believe that the government has got rid of a lot of bad PR and ill-will through this deal.

“IRCTC is famous for causing high BP problem and aggression among users. It has also made many people bankrupt, with most of them being students living in hostels and PGs who are future voters. The government has got a monkey off its back,” a political cum business pundit claimed.

Latest reports say that Google is planning to pay $50 billion to the government of India to return the website it has acquired.

First batch of containers leave for Switzerland to fetch black money

New Delhi. Following the barrage of letters from the Finance Ministry, the Swiss government has agreed to unconditionally return the account details of Indian citizens in Swiss banks and the billions of money illegally deposited by them, sources tell Faking News.

“This is part of the new bilateral deal signed on Twitter by the Finance Secretaries of both the countries. It highlights the willingness of the Swiss government towards global economic transparency and its understanding of the problems faced by developing nations due to black money,” the spokesperson for the Swiss central bank told reporters in Geneva.

Indian containers at one of the Swiss banks’ campus.

Buoyed by the response, India has already sent 7 containers to Switzerland to bring the non-taxed money back to India. Officials confirmed that one of these containers will be exclusively used to bring the bank documents, while the 6 other water-proof containers will hold the hard cash.

“More containers will be sent in batches of not more than 7 each time, as international maritime laws restrict shipping of cash to $4.8 billion at a time,” a finance ministry official explained.

Since Modi government is not easily trusted by them, Human Rights groups have called for returning of the money to the owners after deduction of due taxes and applicable penalties, while opposition parties have blamed the government for spending tax-payers’ money to bring non-tax-payers’ money.

Experts too claim that bringing the documents as accounts are mostly registered in fake addresses. They made this path-breaking claim on various TV channels.

However, the government has defended its action saying the whole exercise will provide long-term employment to 1.1 million youth, and also stabilize market liquidity in the next quarter.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Case filed against a man with face similar to popular photo of Satyanarayan Bhagwan for drinking alcohol

New Delhi. A case has been registered against Rocky Pandey, a 27 years old man with face similar to popular photo of Satyanarayan Bhagwan, for allegedly denigrating the Hindu god and hurting the religious sentiments of the Hindus.

Rocky looks pretty much like this.

Bhola Thakur, the man who has filed the case, claims that Rocky had uploaded a photoshopped photo on Facebook, where he has shown the god holding a beer bottle in hand.

“It was some party pic, but this guy Rocky photoshopped bhagwanji’s face on a person holding beer,” Bhola told Faking News.

However Rocky claims that there was no photoshop, and it was his own photo where he was drinking beer with his friends.

“My mom used to tell me that my face looks so godly, but I never knew I’d land in this situation!” Rocky said, “And why is that guy interpreting the picture as he wants?”

But Bhola, who is Rocky’s friend’s friend on Facebook, is in no mood to back off.

“Just because he says, it doesn’t become the truth,” he claimed, “My heart ached when I saw Satyanarayan Bhagwan’s photo with beer. This can not be allowed!”

Meanwhile, to avoid any more such controversies, Rocky is reportedly planning to undergo facial plastic surgery. However, his lawyer has advised against any such move, because then he won’t be able to prove that it was indeed him in the picture that is now in court.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Lazy corrupt man still to remove his black money from Swiss bank

Delhi. Amidst government efforts to probe black money stashed abroad, Dhanpat Agrawal, a corrupt and lazy businessman from the city is yet to remove his money from one of the Swiss banks.

While many of his friends successfully transferred their money to other tax havens, Dhanpat, because of his sheer laziness and procrastination habit landed himself into this grave situation.

It’s not like money in Swiss banks can’t go to other banks.

“The way in last couple of years UPA govt, NDA govt, Kejriwal, Baba Ramdev, Bablu, Bittu and many others have been demanding to bring back black money, with special focus on Swiss banks, we thought it would be sensible decision to move our assets to somewhere else,” said a friend of Dhanpat, who recently moved a thousand of core from a Swiss bank to a bank in British Virgin Islands, “But Dhanpat failed to capitalize on the opportunity.”

“Our government has been telling everybody in the country for so long that they are going to seize our money, then what’s the point of putting myself and my money in danger,” he continued, “Unlike Dhanpat, I like to play safe and stay alert.”

However, Dhanpat himself is trying his best to transfer his money to some safe location. “I am attempting to do this for last 6 months. But, because of my other commitments like throwing parties, going for movies and numerous holiday tours, I failed every single time,” said a visibly upset Dhanpat.

Even family members of Dhanpat are frustrated with his laziness. “Despite so much buzz around the issue, he failed to take any safety measures,” rued his wife Damyanti Agrawal.

She also recalled an earlier incident when Dhanpat, because of his laziness almost landed himself into jail.

“One of our family friends, who works in Income Tax office warned us in advance about an IT raid planned on our house after a couple of days. But my husband didn’t even bother to remove some critical documents from our house,” revealed Mrs. Agrawal.

“Finally, during the raid we paid hefty bribe to IT officers to forget about the documents that they recovered, and all this because of my husband’s careless nature,” she concluded.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Modi shows the way to acche din (Comics)

Miscommunication?

IIT student concentrating hard on research in physics to finally get a banking job

Mumbai. Prateek Sharma, a second year Engineering Physics student at IIT Bombay is concentrating really hard on “research” in physics, so that he could finally get a job in one of the top investment banking firms after getting his degree.

Prateek has been in love with physics ever since his school days and always dreamt of doing research work, he claims.

First love is always childish.

“Last year when I qualified for IIT, I told the news reporter interviewing me that Physics was my first love and I will become a researcher, and here I am chasing my dreams,” Prateek told Faking News.

“But you see, banking is equally important for human civilization to move forward; as important as physics. That’s why I am researching hard to become a banker,” he explained how his plans to get a top paying banking job was in line with his interests and passion.

To further justify his passion, Prateek is eyeing the job of a “research analyst” at one of the top investment banks.

“You get a feel of researching, and that’s what matters,” he said, “I am trying my best to finish physics research work at campus, after which I will move on to market research in career.”

Prateek believes that concentrating on physics is going to enhance his analytical skills, which will be very helpful in a banking career. “Many of my seniors have done this in the past, they can’t all be doing it wrong,” he claimed.

On being asked if indeed he was enjoying his college life to the fullest by doing what he actually loved to do, Prateek changed the topic and excused himself for canteen.

While his batchmates have mixed feelings towards him, based on their CGPAs, Prateek’s parents are very proud of the their son’s future plans. “Moving on from physics research to market research is a sensible move,” commented Prateek’s father Mr. Brajesh Sharma, who is a physics professor.

“Each time he solved some problem from I.E Irodov or H.C Verma, I knew that he had moved a step closer to that banking job,” Mr. Sharma recalled Prateek’s JEE preparation years.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Modi hikes railway fare to improve performance of IRCTC website (Comics)

Brilliant!!

Friday faking release: 99

Because anything less than 99 is too mainstream.

LinkedIn profile of an Al-Qaeda terrorist

Kabul. Impressed by activities of ISIS in Iraq, an Al-Qaeda terrorist Zohaib Khan has applied for the job of Mujahideen Manager at the reputed organization.

“As Iraq has officialy requested US to crack down on ISIS, they are looking to increase their work force to buckle up for future fights. For me, it’s a good opportunity of company switch,” said Zohaib while talking to Faking News.

To increase his chance of selection, Zohaib has updated his LinkedIn profile and has forwarded the link to HR team of ISIS. Here is the snapshot of Zohaib’s profile:

Impressive!!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Comics: Digvijay Singh trolls Narendra Modi

and Digvijay Singh scored the fist goal

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Man who believed money can’t buy happiness sues his neighbour after finding him happy with a new car

New Delhi. Nirmohi Shukla, a man in his early 40s and a firm believer in the principle of “money can’t buy happiness” has sued his neighbor Dhanpat Singh, after finding him happy with his new car.

Dhanpat Singh, who bought the car yesterday, was spotted smiling along with his whole family by Nirmohi. “I caught them red handed, and it’s not only Dhanpat, his whole family was involved in that shameful act of being happy with materialistic things,” Nirmohi lashed out at his neighbors.

Is it just a machine?

Nirmohi claims that his neighbors are conspiring to misguide him and his family from the path of true happiness.

“These kind of people are diluting the meaning of true happiness. I mean, why the hell were they so happy by owning metal parts assembled together?” a shocked Nirmohi wondered, “They have a little garden in their house and it rained too recently. Greenery, birds, or even mosquitoes don’t appear to matter to them. Never seen them happy with those things. For them, happiness means car!”

Nirmohi has sued Dhanpat for causing him annoyance and indulging in obscene acts in public place. He has requested the court not only to punish Dhanpat, but even to give a landmark judgement to define happiness properly and keep cars out of the definition.

Sources tell Faking News that Nirmohi Shukla not only monitors happiness of his neighbors, but even of his own family members.

“Few days back Papa bought a new TV for us, but we were instructed not to show an iota of cheerfulness on our faces,” disclosed Prateek, 14-year-old son of Mr. Shukla, “On the first day, we avoided watching cartoons and comedy shows, else he would have punished us for being happy with things that money can buy.”

As per close friends of Nirmohi, whenever he buys new set of clothes, he tries his best to make the worst possible face while wearing it.

Meanwhile, Dhanpat Singh is looking for an out-of-court settlement with Nirmohi. Sources say, he is planning to mellow down anger of Nirmohi by giving him a written statement that he never bought happiness, rather it was given free by the company and the showroom.