Faking News - leading news satire website of India: May 2014

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Job aspirant updates resume, includes “sharaafat” as his weakness

Jhalim Nagar. Sushil Kumar, an MBA in Marketing who has been looking for a job since he became an MBA, updated his resume to include sharaafat (decency with a dangerous dash of honesty) as his “weakness”.

Earlier, it mentioned as his “strength”, which didn’t help him much in job hunting.

Sushil Kumar, also known as “Sharif Sushil or Double S” among his friends, claims that with this step, he has doubled his chances of getting a job.

Anything for you.

“I have been searching for a job in marketing field for over a year now. I often get rejected in the interview phase. After I got rejected in the 23^rd interview last week, I realized that there must be something lacking in me. I analyzed and found that because of my sharaafat, companies didn’t find me suitable to recruit me in their marketing team,” Sushil Kumar told Faking News.

Recalling an incident that led to his rejection in an interview, he said, “Interviewer asked me that what would I do if I found out that there was a defect in product. I immediately replied that I will first communicate it to customers. I couldn’t even complete my answer and he showed me the door. I thought customer was king and he should be treated like that,” wondered Sushil Kumar.

“I realized my mistake later when my friend got selected in same company,” added Sushil Kumar.

When this reporter asked Sushil what was his friend’s response to the same question, he said, “Nothing.”

“Why is this happening to me? I stopped eating apples after reading the story of Adam and Eve. I always safely remove pendrive, even if that does not belong to me,” an emotional and frustrated Sushil Kumar explained how much shareef he was, yet suffering.

“I always tell the truth. Yesterday my girlfriend got angry after I told her that she was looking ugly in her new dress,” he added while sobbing.

“But now I understand this cruel world,” he said, wiping away his tears.

Sushil Kumar is hopeful that after mentioning sharaafat as his weakness, recruiters will assume that he is making serious attempts at overcoming his weakness.

And Sushil indeed is serious about it. Sources claim that he has started watching movies like Dhoom, which are centered around and glorify negative characters.

Friday, May 30, 2014

After constantly losing “National Spelling Bee” to Indian origin kids, US looking for a new national language

New York. Dominance of Indian-American kids in Scripps National Spelling Bee has generated a lack of confidence among US citizens regarding their proficiency over their own national language, as a result of which US government is seriously considering options to change national language from English to something else.

“The way Indians are recklessly winning the National Spelling Bee, it appears, the competition is being conducted in Hindi or some other Indian language. US kids are almost clueless on their home turf,” said US President Barack Obama in his reaction after declaration of Spelling Bee 2014 winners.

“Bro, English is much easier than Tamil.”

To mellow down the humiliation which Americans are facing, Government is looking for alternatives, like a completely new language.

“As of now, ‘Valyrian’ is the front runner to replace English, and many Americans know it quite well because of Game of Thrones,” Obama added further.

Experts believe that local kids have lost interest in anything mainstream and they are looking for something newer and cooler.

“English is so widely spoken that there is no exclusiveness left with it. Most probably kids are looking for some outlandish language to learn. Keeping that in mind, declaration of Valyrian as national language and organizing National Spelling Bee in Valyrian could help US kids to regain the lost ground,” explained Andrew James, an expert of US culture.

It appears, many of US kids agree with Andrew James’ point of view. “Albalacha utrabhi anbanachi anglesachi commeneri ghut ghut,” said a 15 year old US kid speaking in a language created by himself.

Later, his mother Rachelle translated that to English. He meant,”English is out of fashion, let Asians follow that.” Adding further, Rachelle expressed how much Americans are afraid of Asians learning their culture.

“They are coming, memorizing and conquering. The intensity at which they are pushing themselves at everything American is terrifying. It’s better for us to shift to something else,” said Rachelle.

However, sources within the government disclosed that by introducing a completely new national language, Obama wants to offer Americans a fresh start, so that they could excel in that.

Meanwhile, unperturbed by US intentions, Indian American kids have started learning words of Valyrian to make themselves ready for National Spelling Bee 2015.

Engineering student demands Article 370 to be deployed in his room

New Delhi. After observing the political debate over the issue of Article 370, Rohan, an engineering student, has asked his family to apply Article 370 in his room.

The 19-year-old came to know about Article 370 after media reports, and found some of its provisions very interesting and beneficial to his personal interests.

Article 370, which grants special autonomous status to Jammu and Kashmir, triggered the otherwise dormant mind of Rahan to think of innovative ideas on how to break free from rules, regulations, and strictness of his disciplined parents.

Rohan found his way through Article 370.

Talking about his parents, he said, “They don’t even allow me to stay up late at night, forget about booze. There are some strange rules that they have made for me, like bathing daily, waking up before afternoon, etc.”

“But I love my parents,” added a visibly confused Rohan.

Worried about his freedom and right of self-determination, Rohan has now demanded that his parents apply Article 370 in his personal room.

He hopes that once Article 370 is applied in his room, he will be able to live his life by his own set of rules, which he calls “engineeriyat“.

He is also excited that his parents won’t be able to take away anything from his room, just like rest of Indians cannot purchase any piece of land in Jammu and Kashmir.

“My room, my rules,” said an excited Rohan when asked about advantages of Article 370 in his room.

Rohan’s parents are meanwhile shocked over their son’s demand.

“Why is he putting such a strange demand? He is part of our family and we made rules for his own bright future. I can predict that even if Article 370 is applied, he would still get those bad grades,” Rohan’s father told Faking News.

Meanwhile Rohan has threatened his family that either they apply Article 370 in his room or he would declare his room as an independent house or may even merge his room into neighbor’s house.

Friday faking release: Mission Kashmir

When land become more important than people.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

After self-driving car, Google working on developing self-slapping mosquito

California, USA. After working on developing a self-driving car, tech giant Google is now working on creating a self-slapping mosquito, which will slap itself to death the moment it bites a human being.

The latest innovation is in line with the company’s mission of helping human beings lead a simplified life, where they don’t have to invest much time or energy into taking mundane decisions and doing physical work.

Dr. Cosmo Kramer, a genetic scientist and a Google engineer who is heading the project, disclosed that the idea for the source code of a self-slapping mosquito came to his mind after learning about male honey bees, which die after mating for the first time.

First and the last bite.

“But unlike the male bees, which most probably die out of ecstasy, self-slapping mosquitoes will die by slapping themselves out of guilt,” explained Dr. Kramer, “We have managed to do some genetic level changes that are going to change the way mosquitoes think and feel.”

“Yes, they do!” he added.

Dr. Kramer further revealed that while these genetic changes will feel mosquitoes with intense guilt when they suck blood of a human being, they will continue to suck bloods of animals with glee.

“This will make sure they survive. We don’t want to kill them all. After all our motto is Don’t be evil,” he explained.

The R&D team of Google confirmed to Faking News that initial results from their genetic coding of mosquitoes have been encouraging. In fact, some mosquitoes ended up being too sensitive and moral about hurting human being.

“Much more sensitive than human beings,” Dr. Kramer claimed.

The latest initiative and innovation from Google has received overwhelmingly positing response from people across the globe.

“I can’t express in words how thankful I am to Google,” said an Indian government official while ordering his subordinate to kill the mosquito sitting on his hand, “Our life is going to be so easier! Hope they also work on a self-swatting housefly.”

However, few sociologists are worried about long term impact of on human-mosquito relationship due to such developments.

“This might degenerate into evil practice of untouchability. Initially the mosquitoes will slap themselves out of guilt, but soon it will become ingrained in their psyche. Few generations down the line, they will even avoid to touch human beings,” famous sociologist Aniruddh Mishra expressed his deepest fear about how modern technology was evil.

Meanwhile, buoyed by appreciation they are getting for their futuristic projects, Google’s R&D team has announced their next project – to create a super strong mosquito capable of flying while holding a human being.

“This is going to make our lives much easier, as we won’t have to waste energy and strain our legs for covering daily distances to routine destinations,” said a member of Google’s research team.

Electrons feel inferior after observing “negative” stuff about Kejriwal

New Delhi. After observing so much negative news in media and negative comments from people about Arvind Kejriwal, electrons (particles that carry negative charge) are feeling low and inferior. Several electrons from all over India were seen committing suicide by combining with positive charge.

After promise of negative post about electrons in Faking News, we managed to arrange meeting with an electron also known as Xuta among fellow electrons, protons and neutrons. In an exclusive interview with us, Xuta said while revolving around the nucleus, “We were in delusion that we are the most negative charged thing, until my friend who is living in Uranium atom overheard conversation between two scientists who were accusing Kejriwal of carrying negative charges.”

Atoms fighting after accusing Kejriwal to stop monopoly of electrons.

Atoms fighting after accusing Kejriwal of trying to stop the monopoly of electrons.

“My friend shared this information when my parent atom donated me to his atom during process of ionization,” added the cute little electron.

Xuta wondered how could as 40-something years old person was taking all the limelight about being negative when electrons had always been there, rotating around nucleus since god crafted the universe. He claimed that this was the first ever crisis that electrons faced in their lifetime.

“My best friend Cuta, who rotates in an atom, which is a part of an Ethernet cable, told me that there was significant flow of negative charged data about Kejriwal, which is both incoming and outgoing. Few of my friends, who live in air conditioned news channel studios, also had similar instances to share,” said a visibly worried Xuta.

“There are exceptions, like I had a friend rotating in an atom, which is part of a cap (topi), who heard only positive things about Kejriwal, but I ignored him as he was the only one who held that belief,” said the confused and surprised electron.

When Faking News reporter asked Xuta about his views on Arvind Kejriwal, he said, “I don’t know who this Arvind Kejriwal is, but he must be the biggest problem of India, more than anything else. That’s why Indians are criticizing and talking about him so intensely.”

Now Suresh Raina claims it is his nephew who plays for India, while he plays for CSK

Mumbai. In a sensational claim after once again playing a sensational knock for CSK last night, CSK batsman and part time Indian fielder Suresh Raina today revealed that it was not him, but his nephew who has been playing all this while for India.

“Indian jerseys are dangerous. Discovered it last night after I caught my nephew trying to steal them, before catching a flight to Bangladesh,” Raina tweeted before not deleting it.

This is the second time in 2 years, when Ghazaibad born cricketer blamed his nephew for some blunder he was being held responsible for. He urged media and cricket fans to make note of it and criticize his nephew for all terrible performances that they may have seen from his bat so far in international matches.

Raina’s nephew unable to play the short ball.

Raina pointed towards his perennially excellent form in IPL and contrastingly poor form in international matches, as the evidence to further strengthen his claim that both these players were indeed different.

Raina however clarified that he only stopped playing for India 2-3 years ago, and hence he should be given credit for all those scintillating match winning knocks that he one used to crack on regular basis.

“I stopped playing for India sometime back to focus on my career as a CSK batsman, and used to wonder why I was being criticized, abused, and made fun of on social networking sites when I was not even playing,” Raina revealed.

Raina further disclosed that his nephew looks exactly like him and that is why BCCI and Indian team management never objected to his presence in the dressing room and on the playing field.

“My nephew may have inherited some genes when it comes to appearance, but unfortunately he could not inherit my unmatchable cricketing skills and talent,” Raina explained the failure for which he had been unfairly blamed.

On being asked why his nephew did this, Raina said, “Oh he is a budding cricketer and wanted to use this platform of playing for India to prepare himself and fulfill his ultimate dream of representing CSK in IPL.”

Meanwhile as the news spread, Raina’s teammate Rohit Sharma was caught pressurizing his married cousin to start his family.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Removing Article 370 will cause earthquakes separating Kashmir from India: Omar Abdullah

Srinagar. Jammu and Kashmir Chief Minister Omar Abdullah has made a sensational revelation that removing Article 370 might cause sudden movement of tectonic plates in the region resulting into separation of Kashmir from India.

As per Omar, this was a hidden secret, but the intentions of the NDA government led by BJP compelled him to make it public.

Holy warrior

“We first came to know about this prophecy after one of my forefathers found a secret quote written on a piece of stone in a remote area of Kashmir, which read, ‘Three seventus removam, dhartis fatam, Kashmirus separatum‘. Back then, 370 was not even in existence,” claimed Omar Abdullah while addressing a press conference.

Omar further revealed that the stone had been with his family for centuries. His forefathers showed it to many alchemists, astrologers, and jewelers alike, but none of them could find anything special about the stone.

“But we knew that we were not holding on to something ordinary and worthless,” the Chief Minister of Jammu & Kashmir said, “Once India got independence and Pakistan invaded Kashmir, we realized how precious our possession was.”

Omar claimed that once Article 370 was introduced in the constitution of India, the prophecy written on the stone became clear, and at the same time it became clear that Omar’s family was the chosen one to protect this article and the stone.

The young Abdullah also claimed that a mysterious mark had automatically appeared on the left arm of his forefather who found the secret stone. He claimed that this mark was being passed from generation to generation. Omar even rolled up his sleeve and showed the special mark to prove that he was one of the secret protector of Article 370.

While many appear convinced with Omar’s assertion, others have failed to understand how could removing a man made constitutional provision could possibly alter natural terrain.

“Some things are beyond human understanding, just like Article 370. So better not to talk about them, otherwise who knows, Kashmir might get separated not only from India, but from the whole world. We should not mess with the nature,” Farooq Abdullah explained to Faking News.

Man looking like Mummy with bandages over his face kidnapped by smugglers

New Delhi. In a bizarre development, a man with bandages wrapped all over his face was mistaken as a Mummy and kidnapped by a group of artifacts smugglers earlier today.

Bhootnath Sharma, the kidnapped man, had some really nasty cuts while shaving and he was trying to hide those by having that dressing over his face.

The victim of kidnapping and shaving

“He has been a regular user of shaving blade, and thus a regular victim of shaving cuts. We told him to switch to either go to a barber or switch to an electric shaver or become a bearded grandpa,” a close friend of Bhootnath told Faking News.

“But instead of appearing like a grandpa, he ended up looking like a Mummy, and now he has ended up being kidnapped!” the friend added.

Sources confirm that Bhootnath was often seen with some or the other part of his face hidden under such first aid treatments. Most of his neighbors never saw his original face.

This morning, he was sleeping in the society park where some smugglers saw him. They thought he was some Mummy and immediately planned to make quick bucks by selling him to some museum.

Bhootnath was immediately taken away in a kidnapping van, but the smugglers soon realized that their Mummy was never dead. Bhootnath soon confessed to them and owned up his reality of being a living Mummy:

Reportedly, one of the kidnappers was so touched by his story that he gifted him Philips Aquatouch electric shaver, while another one was adamant on selling him to a museum.

“Who uses blades even after being cut so regularly? Such guys should definitely be sent to museum!” a kidnapper said.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Kashmir issue resolved as impressed by Modi’s talk on Gujarat Model, Nawaz shifts focus from Kashmir to Gujarat

New Delhi. In the biggest diplomatic coup ever, Prime Minister Narendra Modi has claimed that the Kashmir issue was resolved on the first day of his taking charge of office.

According to sources, Modi kept on talking about “Gujarat Model” during his high profile meeting with Nawaz Sharif. Impressed by his talk, Pakistan PM decided to shift his country’s focus from Jammu & Kashmir to Gujarat, which ultimately resulted into Kashmir issue being resolved.

Mission accomplished.

“The issue always was Pakistan’s obsession with Kashmir. Now their obsession is gone. Now they are interested in Gujarat,” a press release from the PMO claimed.

Addressing the India media, Nawaz Sharif later thanked Narendra Modi for making him aware of the growth and development in Gujarat.

“The earlier UPA government fooled us into believing that there was nothing exceptional about Gujarat, and we too only talked about riots. But today, Mr. Modi opened my eyes,” Nawaz Sharif said to a shocked group of mediapersons.

“Today, I realized that the real jannat is in Gujarat, not in Kashmir,” he went on to declare the change in Kashmir centric policy of Pakistan vis a vis India.

Sources tell Faking News that Modi has also gifted Nawaz Sharif a 500 GB hard disk full of data about Gujarat’s growth and development.

While BJP is claiming that Modi wave has reached Pakistan, Congress has criticized Modi’s move and called it a dangerous precedent set by the new government.

“That’s why we always aimed for lesser development,” claimed Congress leader Digvijay Singh, “With neighbors like Saeed Ji and Bangladeshi brothers, there is always a risk of infiltration in border areas if they are more developed than conjoining areas in Pakistan or Bangladesh.”

AAP leaders too have reiterated their stand on Gujarat development and Kashmir.

“Pakistan should realize that the Gujarat Model is a hoax,” said AAP leader Prashant Bhushan, also an expert on Kashmir related issues, “Also, Mr. Nawaz Sharif should first hold referendum in Kashmir to ask the local population if they want Pakistan to stop looking at them.”

Rejecting criticisms, BJP has repeated that this was a masterstroke by Modi, which has solved the Kashmir issue as well as the problem of infiltration.

“Infiltrating the borders in Gujarat will be tougher for Pakistani terrorists than infiltrating in Kashmir, where they take advantage of hilly terrain,” Finance cum Defense Minister Arun Jaitley explained.

Surprisingly, this sudden change in Pakistan’s foreign policy has been welcomed by the extremist groups in Pakistan.

“I have seen pictures of Gujarat on that haraam website Facebook, it looks like America,” JuD chief Hafiz Saeed said, “Attacking Gujarat would be like destroying India and US at the same time. This is awesome! Death to the infidels!”

Deepika Padukone to undergo plastic surgery to look like her Kochadaiiyaan avatar

Mumbai. After many fans and critics complained that Deepika Padukone was not looking like herself in her animated avatar in the recently released motion capture 3D animated movie Kochadaiiyaan, the Bollywood actress has decided to undergo plastic surgery to address this critical issue.

“This is a Rajinikanth movie and thus it deserves being a superhit,” Deepika’s personal assistant told Faking News, “That’s why she is making sure that the movie is perfect and appreciated by everyone.”

Deepika’s new look

Trade experts say that Deepika will re-launch herself with her new face this Friday, which should make her fans flock to theaters to see her new face.

“No, she will not come out on her balcony and show her new face while waving at fans,” her PA confirmed, “What’s the point of assembling a crowd outside her house when the same face can be seen on the screens?”

While many fans of Deepika are requesting her to reconsider this decision as they liked her current face more than the animated one in Kochadaiiyaan, fans of Rajinikanth believe that this is a very small step that she could have done to help Thalaiva.

It’s not yet clear when and where will this plastic surgery take place, but some experts believe that this could well be a stunt to promote the movie that has not opened to rave reviews, which is usually the case with a Rajinikanth movie.

“Why is she not coming out in public after surgery, and instead asking people to go to multiplexes?” wondered Poonam Pandey, who also expressed her disgust at such publicity stunts.

But some people think that Deepika is doing it to shed the tag of ‘panauti ’ (bad omen) that she has acquired over time.

“She doesn’t want to be seen as someone who caused a Rajinikanth movie to flop!” disclosed a person close to Deepika, “She took this decision after getting WhatsApp forwards claiming that Tiger Shroff in Heropanti was looking more beautiful than Deepika Padukone in Kochadaiiyaan.”

Monday, May 26, 2014

Six IT employees arrested for discussing things other than politics

Noida: In a bizarre event, a group of six IT employees have been arrested outside their offices during lunch hours on charges of discussing about personal matters when they should have been discussing political events.

SI (Sub Inspector) of that area, Mr. Pandey has confirmed this arrest to Faking News. “This afternoon we received a call from an unknown person who told us about this group that was discussing about their girlfriends, sex life, and lack of life, that is office life. How can we tolerate such casual attitude from our youth towards our country?” Pandey said.

Talk on appropriate topics.

When Faking News questioned the legality of the charges framde, Mr. Pandey explained to us that these guys had been arrested for the violation of “Rajnitik Dhara” that has been implemented in colleges and corporate offices after elections were announced.

Under this rule, if someone is found discussing anything other then politics around colleges and corporate offices, they will be sent jail for a minimum of three days to a maximum term of one month, depending upon the topic they were discussing. This rule will be in place till the Delhi Assembly re-elections.

Mr. Pandey further disclosed told us that the arrested guys could get a one month sentence as they were discussing about sex life despite working in IT employees.

“Had they been discussing about family issues, they might have got the minimum sentence. But the fact that they discussed sex lives and girlfriends, despite being engineers, made their offense non-bailable and serious,” the SI said.

During trial at the Noida sessions court, the accused reportedly told the judge they were unaware of the “Rajnitik Dhara” being operational. They claimed that they always used to discuss politics (Modi and Kejriwal) but they decided to change the topics as they were losing friends and teeth in the ensuing fights.

But the judge didn’t accept this excuse and sent them to jail. Apart from one month jail, the group of six has been sentenced to daily dose of Newshour debates of Arnab Goswami, so that they come out reformed.

Nawaz Sharif could be made a minister in Modi cabinet: Sources

New Delhi. If sources are to be believed, Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has been tipped to get a Cabinet minister berth in Modi’s government. The sensational revelation has left left many on both side of Indo-Pak border scratching their head.

Reacting sharply to the news, BJP’s key ally Shiv Sena’s chief Uddhav Thackeray, who was, according to sources, demanding a few more cabinet berths for his own MPs, said, “Now I know why Nawaz came to India despite facing criticism in his own country. Frustrated of regular arm twisting by Pakistan army, he was looking for a better job opportunity. But we will not allow an outsider to take away job opportunities from locals!”

Nawaz Sharif’s reaction to the news.

On being reminded that the news had come only from “sources” and was not yet confirmed by any authority, Uddhav calmed down. However, sources say that Shiv Sena is planning to withdraw support from the BJP government.

While the Indian news channels were frenetically trying to contact these “sources” that were giving exclusive news to Faking News, BJP supporters were busy trying to justify the incident if sources turn out to be correct.

“I guess Modi Ji has started the process of capturing Pakistan. Prime Minister of Pakistan is now just a minister in India!” tweeted a Modi fan.

On the other hand, capitalizing on the confusion created by sources, Congress has accused Modi of compromising on national security.

“My Doordarshan sources say that Modi will himself become a minister in the Obama government,” Congress leader Digvijay Singh lashed out at BJP.

Sources further suggest that this whole idea of Nawaz Sharif getting a place in Modi cabinet could be per-determined. Reportedly, Pakistan Army is planning another coup and this was all done to give an honorable exit to Nawaz Sharif. Sources in Pakistan confirm this.

Meanwhile back in India, after Faking News refused to divulge its sources, Indian news channels have started speculating which department could Nawaz Sharif be offered by Modi.

“Most likely he is going to get Defense Ministry, as he knows everything about Pakistan,” an expert on a national TV channel claimed. The expert further claimed that sources could be right as he could read the body language of Nawaz Sharif, which showed he was confident of getting a cabinet berth.

Meanwhile, our sources have confirmed that Nawaz Sharif had accepted the offer and will be soon taking charge as the Union Minister of Sources.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Congress poll panel blames 19-year-old Qaiser Ali for election defeat

New Delhi. Congress has finally identified the culprit for its electoral debacle in Qaiser Ali, a 19 years old boy. Declaring this, the spokesman of the panel investigating the party’s defeat in the parliamentary elections said that they have come to this conclusion after an intensive scrutiny, investigation, introspection, and analysis.

Incidentally, this boy was the owner of the twitter handle @PMOIndia for half an hour when the outgoing government vacated it.

“We found that Ali was responsible for the failure of dual power center structure of the UPA, mislaid charisma of Rahul Gandhi, sycophancy of congressmen, miscommunication between party and public, and various scams which surfaced in last few years,” the spokesman of the poll panel declared, making its findings public.

“We also found that he is responsible for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s silence, charges of illegal land deals against Robert Vadra, and probably rape charges faced by Tarun Tejpal, a respected secular crusader,” he went on to add.

Digvijay pointing to an ant which also could be responsible for Congress defeat.

“He could also be responsible the missing ‘Our Ideology’ page from our official website,” he further added.

Continuing further, the spokesman clarified, “It seems that Qaiser Ali, suspected to be an agent of forces inimical to Congress, was able to intercept the important communications, letters, files, official documents, emails, SMS & Whatsapp messages, twitter updates etc. when they were between the sender & the recipient and alter them to change their meaning completely thus embarrassing the UPA government.”

“The results of our investigations point to the possibility that the culprit was able to access the translation of Manmohan Singh’s silence, done by Pulok Chatterjee, the Principal Secretary in PMO, and change it leading to disastrous results. Using methods learnt from the movie 3 idiots, he managed to change the Rahul Gandhi speeches by inserting words like system and empowerment, thus making them sound like abstract ramblings of a confused leader. We have a strong doubt that he had something to do with the tempering of the famous lift video of the famous hotel in Goa. Many other heinous activities are documented in the report, in detail,” he explained.

Congress claimed his modus operandi in achieving these tasks is the only missing link which needs to be investigated and they have recommended that it must be thoroughly probed by an impartial, international agency.

Stunned reporters asked the spokesman about the improbability of a 19 years old boy achieving such impossible feats like getting access to classified communication and information and the fact that some events happened a few years back, when he could have been around 13 to 15 year old, the spokesman dismissed the question, “When our Vice President, Shri Rahul Gandhi can become such a great leader at the tender age of 44, this boy is already 19, an adult to boot and quite adept at achieving these hideous feats.”

Many Congress leaders have welcomed poll panel report as a fair and impartial assessment of the defeat and claimed that it could prove to be a game changer.

“This team displayed the maturity, responsibility, thoroughness and intelligence required for the inquiry. After all they learnt all these qualities from our great and visionary leader Sh. Rahul Gandhi,” Rajiv Shukla told this Faking News reporter.

Digvijay Singh, the general secretary of party, was not enthused, though, “I am not doubting the report, but I don’t think that Qaiser Ali is his real name. Anyway, I have only love and affection for the boy, love is what makes this world beautiful.”

Later in the day, Aam Aadmi Party offered party membership to Qaiser Ali. “If one has such disruptive and anarchist talent, such a person is most suited to us. He is destined for greater feats and we will groom him further, under the supervision of Bhartiji,” the spokesman of AAP said.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Separatist leader says not enough oxygen in Kashmir to adjust Pandits, return will suffocate locals

Srinagar. Criticizing BJP’s agenda of rehabilitating Kashmiri Pandits in the valley, separatist leader Syed Ali Shah Geelani has said that Kashmir did not have enough oxygen to adjust extra people. He cautioned that sending Kashmiri Pandits (KPs) back to the valley would suffocate locals.

“We love them, they are our brothers, but much water has flown under bridge since they left,” Geelani said, “We have recently seen that there is limited oxygen in the valley, and a sudden inflow of lakhs of Kashmiri Pandits will result into shortage of oxygen in the region.”

A Kashmiri Pandit carrying oxygen mask in Kashmir for safety of locals.

“Local Kashmiris will feel suffocated,” he claimed.

Geelani pointed out that earlier he had opposed too many pilgrims coming into valley for the same reason. He also accused Narendra Modi of being a fascist who was risking life of KPs just to fulfill a promise made in election manifesto.

When asked for proof backing his claims, the separatist leader referred to a new research published by All Parties Hurriyat Conference’s (APHC) R&D division.

Another member of APHC, Yasin Malik disclosed that his party had sent a group of scientists along with couple of Kashmiri Pandits to valley, where they analyzed environmental impact of KP’s presence.

“We took some KPs to the valley. Our scientists were carrying oxygen cylinders and AK47s, while KPs were allowed to breathe normally. After some time, we saw some local men gasping for breath. Since our scientists were not breathing extra oxygen, it was clearly due to the KPs inhaling oxygen causing shortage of oxygen for locals,” Malik explained.

Sources tell Faking News that the local Kashmiri was gasping for breath after the scientists asked him to run after the KPs, but Malik denies it.

Meanwhile Syed Ali Shah Geelani has found support from West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee, who has hailed his foresightedness.

“Modi just says that he feels the pain of KPs, but in reality all he cares about is himself. Thanks to Geelani ji, he is saving lakhs of lives and he is the true caretaker of KPs,” Mamata showered praise for the separatist leader.

On being asked if people of West Bengal didn’t feel suffocated due to influx of illegal Bangladeshi immigrants, Mamata said that Bangladeshi people consumed very little oxygen and were no threat to locals.

“Bangladeshis are habituated of living in an overcrowded country, so their oxygen consumption is very less; unlike Kashmiri Pandits, whose lungs are evolved to inhale more oxygen as they originally belong to a sparsely populated region,” reasoned Mamata Banerjee.

After Nawaz Sharif, BJP now invites illegal Bangladeshi immigrants for swearing in ceremony of Modi

New Delhi. After sending out an invitation to Pakistani PM, BJP has now decided to invite all illegal Bangladeshi immigrants residing in India for Narendra Modi’s swearing-in ceremony to be held on 26^th May.

While Nawaz Sharif was still seeking referendum from Taliban and Pak Army on whether he should accept invitation or not, this new development has totally driven some hardcore BJP supporters crazy and Congress party confused.

Sources say Sharif is threatening to slap Modi, while Modi is showing peace sign.

Terming the move completely hypocritical and a complete shift from the stand taken by Modi during campaigning, Congress slammed BJP for Kejriwal like U-turn.

“They said Acche din aane wale hain. Never knew they meant achhe din for Pakistan and Bangladeshi immigrants,” Manish Tewari said.

BJP, however, was quick to jump to its defense.

“We have invited all SAARC affiliated illegal immigrants in India and not just Bangladeshi immigrants. So don’t just single out them,” BJP spokesperson Nirmala Seetharaman argued.

This move has however totally baffled the likes of Giriraj Singh, who are now confused which country should they be sending Modi haters to.

Leaders from TMC too lashed out at Modi, calling this invitation a below the belt attack aimed at unsettling Mamata Banerjee.

“Didi decided not to attend Modi’s wearing in ceremony, so they are inviting the very people for who Didi took that stand and for whom her heart beats and bleeds. Very cheap way of making Didi forcefully attend ceremony,” Derek Obrien claimed.

However, the move has come as a relief to many people who thought a Modi led BJP govt would mean an end to things like corruption, terrorism, etc.

“First when they invited Nawaz Sharif, I thought it was one off blunder, or maybe LK Advani threatened to sulk again if his Pakistani friend was not invited. But now that they have invited Bangladeshi immigrants too, I am sure BJP’s stance is going to be totally different from what they projected during campaigning,” said a sarkari babu, who was worried about corrupt people being dealt with severely..

This change of position from BJP has also impressed LeT CEO Hafiz Saeed, who himself is now expecting an invitation from BJP any moment.

“Miyan jis tarah se dono mulkon ke beech guftagu chal rahi, koi bharosa nahi hame bhi bula le,” Saeed said while stuffing some achaar and bombs in his bag.

Meanwhile sources tell Faking News that this invitation to Pak PM is nothing but a well thought out strategy by Modi to unleash Arnab Goswami on Nawaz Sharif as soon he lands in Delhi.

Firday faking release: Law Abiding Citizen

Because staying in jail is also abiding law.