Faking News - leading news satire website of India: April 2014

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

How Indian celebrities took their selfies

Earlier we saw how Indian politicians took their selfies, now we have some more politicians as well as celebs from all walks of life trying their hand at taking their selfie.

Nitin Gadkari

He could manage only this much of himself in his selfie. He had to take click 2 selfies to capture himself fully

Somnath Bharti

Somnath using night mode even during daytime to click his selfie at his favorite place.

Shazia Ilmi

Shazia clicks her selfie keeping in mind her latest stance over communalism

LK Advani

Advani wanted use iPhone to click his selfie but BJP working committee forced him to use Samsung. He was asked himself to sulk please while clicking the selfie.

Advani wanted use iPhone to click his selfie but BJP working committee forced him to use Samsung. He asked himself to ‘sulk please ‘while clicking the selfie.

MS Dhoni

Dhoni’s selfie had some unsolicited members

Aamir Khan

The selfie took as much as time to load as Aamir took to decide on his camera, pose, place, background etc.

Arnab Goswami

Arnab Goswami aka nation clicked its selfie.

Baba Ramdev

Keeping with the twists and turns he loves, Baba took his selfie in his trademark style.

To counter Modi’s selfie, Rahul clicks selfie with Earth and aliens in support of “Main nahi, Hum” ideology

New Delhi. Soon after BJP’s prime ministerial candidate Narendra Modi clicked a selfie with his inked finger, Rahul Gandhi, in support of his “Main nahi, Hum” ideology, clicked a selfie with whole Earth and a few aliens.

Congress VP did this daredevil act at a height of 2000 kilometers from above the Earth, for which he took help of a rocket speeding with escape velocity to reach there.

Rahul Gandhi with aliens.

“We felt the urgency to make a point against Modi’s agenda. He always talks about himself and now he posted a selfie that shows only him; he is so self obsessed!” said Rahul Gandhi lashing out at his Prime Ministerial counterpart.

“Congress believes in vasudhaiva kutumbakam (entire world is one single family), which is why I decided to click selfie with Earth and a few inhabitants outside earth too,” he added.

On being asked why there were aliens in his selfies, Rahul informed that they were roaming around in space and decided to join him. “When aliens saw me clicking a selfie, they insisted upon getting into the frame. They were very cute, so I couldn’t refuse,” Rahul added further.

However, Congress leaders say that aliens were attracted by Rahul Gandhi’s charismatic personality, dimples, and speeches.

“It’s a symbol that he is acceptable not only by the people on earth, but even by aliens residing in outer space,” explained an excited Salman Khurshid. Mr Khurshid even went on to claim that Rahul Gandhi had potential to rule the entire universe.

In an official statement, Congress emphasized that clicking selfie, which shows only one person, is not Congress culture. It requested party members to avoid getting involved in such self centric acts.

“If you want to click a selfie, get at least one more person in the frame,” suggested party leader Digvijay Singh.

Although Rahul Gandhi is not on Twitter and Facebook, Congress has pushed Rahul’s selfie on social media using party’s official handle. Party is hopeful that it will cross the number of retweets got by Narendra Modi’s selfie.

Meanwhile, BJP leader Subramanian Swamy alleged that Rahul Gandhi knew that his all alone selfie was not going to get that many shares and retweets, so he persuaded a few aliens to get into the frame by offering them toffees.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Rahul Gandhi shows proof of his large-heartedness

Whenever a mosquito sits on Rahul Gandhi’s body, he immediately gets some extra supply of blood so that there is no dearth of blood for the mosquito. Such large-heartedness and compassion is needed to run the country, not a 56-inch chest that can’t help anyone.

Congress distributing special glasses that allows people see development work of Rahul Gandhi in Amethi

Amethi. Days before the Gandhi family bastion Amethi goes to poll, Congress is distributing a specially designed glasses – Golmaal Glass, which allows people to see development work done by Rahul Gandhi in his constituency.

Grand old party took the initiative after many locals complained that they were unable to see any development in Amethi, even after the Gandhi family members insisted that there was a lot of development.

Size of glasses directly proportional to the level of development.

“BJP’s ad blitz has created such an illusion all around that innocent villagers are unable to see road, electricity, and prosperity in Amethi with their naked eyes. This high-tech visionary Golmaal Glass will help voters to look beyond Modi’s mayajaal,” said Priyanka Gandhi while talking to media in Amethi.

Golmaal Glass allows a person to see even at night. However, Congress refuses that they used night vision technology in the glass. “It actually lets people to see that we have electricity in Amethi, and thus they can see things even when it’s dark,” explained a local Congress leader.

One more notable feature is of the Golmaal Glass is that once a person wears it, he or she is not able to see potholes on road.

“All these potholes and abject poverty in Amethi are BJP’s false agenda. When you wear our glass, the clothless and malnutritioned people will look healthy and laden with designer clothes,” revealed Rahul Gandhi demonstrating a pair of Golmaal Glasses.

“If you want to see how rich and prosperous is Amethi, look through our eyes,” he appealed.

“Prosperity lies in the eyes of the beholder; it’s a state of mind,” Rahul ended his demonstration on a philosophical note.

After distributing the glasses, Congress lashed out at BJP for turning normal eyes of common Indian citizens into biased eyes, which are now unable to see work done by ruling party in the last 10 years.

Sources tell Faking News that the glasses were conceptualized and manufactured by Kapil Sibal, head of the Science & Technology division of the Congress party. Sibal says that Golmaal Glass is filled with positiveness and optimism.

“If you wear it and look at a glass half filled with water, you will find it fully filled,” Sibal claimed. Reportedly, they are also working to convert it into a contact lens.

Meanwhile, excited with positive responses they are getting in Amethi, Congress is also planning to take this Amethi model of development to the rest of country to counter Modi’s Gujarat model of development.

Dawood to sit on dharna as IPL shifts from UAE to India

Dubai, UAE. As IPL enters into its last phase of UAE leg, with teams readying themselves to move back to India, Dawood and Co. have threatened to stage dharna across UAE if the government doesn’t strop the IPL from moving out.

Dawood, who is a hardcore cricket lover and had come to UAE with his entourage hoping to have a nice time here, became agitated when he realized IPL would soon be moved out and he wouldn’t be able to watch proceedings live.

The Mumbai 1993 bomb blast accused, who was already upset with the fact that no international matches were staged back in Pakistan, was really excited about IPL taking place in UAE, where he enjoys a similar status. But his excitement was short-lived.

A passionate Dawood back in 1985.

“Despite no restrictions at all here in UAE, Dawood bhai behaved decently and watched the matches only through binoculars from his hotel room next to stadiums. Whenever he felt too tempted, he would dress up as zoo zoo and enter the stadium,” disclosed his aide.

“But this is just too much for him to take. He is upset with UAE government for not doing enough and failing to ensure a full length IPL in the country, despite him not embarrassing them,” he further gave logic behind Dawood’s decision.

Dawood and his aides will now sit in streets of Dubai outside Burj Khalifa to begin with.

Many are surprised with change in modus operandi of Dawood, where he gets his demands met through a simple phone call than a complicated dharna. Some claim that Dawood might be looking for an image makeover.

“With secularism trumping everything back in India, bhai is thinking of a bigger role in Indian politics,” claimed Chhota Shakeel, “If his first dharna results in success, he could make a debut in Indian politics.”

Latest reports say that Dawood could taste success thanks to BCCI.

“We are moved by so much love and passion for the game shown by some people sitting on dharna here, and may considering staying back,” revealed BCCI secretary Sanjay Patel, rubbishing speculations that it was done as BCCI feared that they won’t get these many people in stadiums back in India.

Transcript of Narendra Modi’s interview for job of a C++ programmer

Narendra Modi recently gave an interview for a job of C++ programmer. Here is the full transcript:

Modi dressed up for the occasion

Interviewer: Welcome, Mr Modi. I was actually expecting you to be here by 3 PM and you are entering now at 4.30 PM. Why so late?

Modi: Dekhiye, I actually started very early at 1 PM and was planning to reach here by 2 PM itself. But as soon as I stepped out of my house, to my utter surprise, I found thousands of people from my village, who had come to shower me with their blessings. Dancing and lighting firecrackers, most of them accompanied me all the way till the entrance of your office. Peep out of the window and you can see a sea of people out there. They call it Modi wave.

Interviewer: That’s fine. Just wanted to know if your delay was due to any inconvenience in finding our address. Anyway, let’s begin now. Tell me about yourself.

Modi: Dekhiye, baat yeh hai ki.. The village I hail from has a rich history of more than 1000 years. It is the place where Mahatma Gandhi was born. But a Shehzada and his family who are no way related to the Mahatma, are misusing his name and cheating all of us. The people in my village cannot be cheated by such sweet talks because they are hard working and are highly proud of themselves.

Interviewer: Ok, ok. Calm down. I was asking you to tell me about yourself and not about your village and Shehzadas. Let’s keep that aside and go to the next question. Tell me about the relevant experience you have related to the project and how you can contribute to our software?

Modi: First thing. Your software which was written in C++, is almost 25 years old now and has become legacy code. Moreover, your programmers have been focusing too much only on Windows platform. Why don’t you have software releases for Mac & Linux? By focusing only on one platform and not on others, your programmers have become pseudo-programmers. I will change the whole software by rewriting it in Java because I believe in portability. My mantra is “Write once, run everywhere”. By coding it in Java, the software will run on all platforms without any discrimination. Release to all platforms, deny to none.

Interviewer: That’s very interesting and we had never thought about it before. What do you think about code maintenance?

Modi: Yes, good that you brought out this topic. I had gone through all the previous release notes of your software and I was surprised to find that the total size of your software has been only between 500-600 MB over the last few years. There is absolutely no development. I believe in development model where growth must be shown year after year. Why are you still stuck at 600 MB and releasing it over CDs when we have 4.7 GB DVDs these days? Give me 30 days and I will add more code to increase the size to 4 GB. Every time a software version is released, I will advertise it to all of our customers & users on social media which will boost the brand value of the company.

Interviewer: You seem to be knowledgeable in release management & marketing as well. Anyway, let’s limit this interview only to programming because that is what the job profile is for. What do you think about null pointer checks? Do you follow null checks in your code?

Modi: Never!! Null pointer checks have become a tokenism nowadays. I have downloaded & scanned software source code from IBM Mainframes dating back to 1960 and I have never seen any null pointer checks in their code. These days, it has become a habit for programmers to enclose every tiny part of their code within null pointer checks just to prove that they are “high level programmers” but they are just pseudo-programmers. I am not going to do such a showoff because I believe only in real output rather than tokenism.

Interviewer: That’s an interesting ideology. Now I am running out of time and would like to finish this interview with this final question. We interviewed 3 other candidates before you today. Tell me why should we hire you instead of them?

Modi: Just before entering your office, I saw all those 3 candidates laughing and discussing with each others. They are all hand in glove with each other and each one is a B team of another. They have actually not come to get a job but their plan is to stop me from getting this job.

The first candidate does not even know to code and his resume was actually prepared by his mother with fake project details. In fact, if you had asked him for his passport, you would have realized that his original name is different from what he calls himself using a fake name.

The next candidate is a pseudo-programmer who never misses null pointer check and preaches others also to follow null pointer checks, but fills his code with unnecessary special status and special cases, leading to stack overflow.

The 3rd candidate is actually a stress tester who throws all kinds of values as inputs hoping that at least one of them will make the system unstable or crash the software. I heard that he had once intentionally written a 370 line vulnerable maths division code and entered values as 49 for numerator and zero for denominator to crash his own software. He used to run that software throughout the day and find pleasure in crashing his own trivial software.

Whereas look at my resume. I have already been a C programmer for 12 years with solid experience and now if you provide me an opportunity, I can become a C++ programmer. The code that I write will run on all platforms without any discrimination and the software will increase in size for every release, showing real development.

Interviewer: You have great oratory skills as well, Mr Modi. Anyway, I am done with the interview. You may leave now. Our HR team will get back to you on May 16.

Monday, April 28, 2014

If Titanic was directed by Farooq Abdullah

A tragic tale of two lovers directed by Farooq Abdullah.

Jack was a BJP supporter, while Rose was a Congress supporter.

Then comes Modi to rescue his fan and offers him a NaMo life jacket.

Frustrated of being turned into poll agenda, Vadra chops off Antarctica from Earth to create his own planet

New Delhi. Miffed with constantly being under attack by the opposition parties for his dubious land deals, Robert Vadra has chopped off Antarctica from Earth to create a planet of his own. Vadra’s out of the box solution to get rid of all his worries at once came as a surprise not only to BJP but to his own family too.

Sources say that initially he was trying to create a separate planet by using the land plots that he held. “He wanted to dig out all his properties and use the mud and rock to create a new small planet. Idea was to launch the planet into space using a rocket and place it in an orbit around the Earth,” revealed a source close to Gandhi family, “He wanted it to be the second Moon of Earth.”

Because having a private island or land is too mainstream.

“But the plan couldn’t materialize as Rahul Gandhi was repeatedly pressurizing Mr Vadra to take a few lakh poor people with him and drop them on Jupiter so that he can talk about empowerment,” source added further.

It was then, that Robert Vadra decided to donate all his land to the Indian government and instead take away whole of the southernmost continent – The Antarctica. The government of India brokered this deal with the rest of the world, sources tell Faking News.

As per Congress leaders, Robert Vadra wanted to live peacefully with his land, but blame game of elections foiled his dreams badly.

“BJP should be ashamed of its act. Such a gentleman Mr Vadra was, that he donated all his costly plots in India and settled down for place like Antarctica. BJP drove away such a big hearted man from this country,” said a visibly upset Digvijay Singh lashing out at the saffron party.

Reportedly, before chopping off Antarctica and flying away with it, he left a note for his in-laws and wife which read: “Please don’t send any space mission to find me and my planet, which by the way have been named – Roberta. Will contact you after a year, till then I want to enjoy much needed solitude with my land and Penguins. Goodbye.”

Meanwhile, remembering Robert Vadra, Rahul Gandhi shared a two years old incident with public at a rally in Haryana.

“Once Jija Ji took me to a chocolate shop and bought me a Kit Kat. And you know what, he didn’t give the shopkeeper money. Instead he gave him ten meter of land in Rajasthan,” recounted an emotional Rahul Gandhi, revealing the original toffee model.

Transcript of Arvind Kejriwal’s interview for job of a C++ programmer

Arvind Kejriwal recently gave an interview for a job of C++ programmer. Here is the full transcript:

Kejriwal giving interview.

Interviewer: Welcome, Mr. Kejriwal. Please have a seat.

Kejriwal: Nah! I am an aam programmer and I sit on the floor. I actually wanted to sit outside your office entrance, but your HR team insisted me to attend the interview inside the office only. So here I am.

Interviewer: Thats fine with me. Please push the chair aside and sit comfortably on the floor. Now, tell me something about yourself.

Kejriwal: Let me first tell something about the programmer whom you gave “Best programmer” award last month. He is actually corrupt. I have done complete survey of your company and the 10 million lines of code of your software product. I have 370 pages of reports which shows that the code he has written has caused the maximum number of memory corruptions. You are encouraging his corrupt acts by giving him awards and promotions, and this is setting a bad precedent to others. This cannot last long. Rest of the employees will not forgive you.

Interview: Ok, ok, calm down. I asked you to tell me about yourself, not about our employees. Anyway, lets leave that aside. Now tell me what relevant experience you have for this project and how you can contribute to the software?

Kejriwal: Look, I might not have the relevant experience, but my intentions are good. Give me some time, and atleast I will do something. I am here to clean up your code from memory corruption, memory leaks & compiler warnings, and change the whole software system. You might have sold millions of copies of your software and earned billions of dollars but don’t forget that your customers are fed up of your autocratic software which does not give them any flexibility. I will change the software architecture also completely.

Interview: That is interesting. Why do you think our software is autocratic & how do you intend to change the architecture?

Kejriwal: I believe in Swaraj. Power in the hands of the user. Everything must run on referendum. For example, your software assumes that a document has to be auto-saved every 3 minutes. Why? Instead, I will change the software and introduce a pop-up box which comes up once in every 3 minutes asking “Do you want to auto-save the document? Yes/No?“. Let the user decide whether he wants to auto save or not.

When the user double clicks on an icon, it should come with a popup asking “Did you really double click the icon? Yes/No?“. If he clicks on Yes, it should come up with another popup asking “Did you double click it in order to open the document? Yes/No?“. Only if he clicks Yes again, it should open the document. Power in the hands of the user. The user should feel the he controls the software, not the other way round.

Interviewer: That is impressive indeed. We had never thought of it. Do you have any more ideas for our software solution?

Kejriwal: Of course! Consider your customer service. Whenever a user’s software crashes, it sends a report automatically to your support center. When a user has a problem or doubt, he directly calls your call center. I think this is a totally outdated concept and needs a complete overhaul.

Interviewer: Is it so? Tell us how do you intend to overhaul it?

Kejriwal: I will come up with “Customer Darbar” process. If a user has a problem, he has to wait till the weekend. Every Sunday morning, I will conduct the “Customer Darbar” where all the users who have faced problems will come with a print out of their problem statement and start assembling outside the office from 8 AM. I will go at 10 AM and personally collect all those print outs from them and submit it to our support center, which will then take over from there and resolve those issues. “Customer Darbar” is my highly sophisticated, patented idea, which can be applied to transform the company.

Interviewer: Excellent idea!! I am sure it will “transform” our company. Coming to the next question. What is your take on security? Do you think a programmer should write code keeping security considerations in mind? You know, there can be virus attacks anytime.

Kejriwal: I am totally against security. Why does a code need security? All the code that I write will be aam software code and it does not require any security or anti-virus. In spite of it, if the rival company plants a virus and it affects a certain feature of our software, there should be a referendum pop-up box saying “So-and-So feature is affected due to a virus attack” and depending on user’s input, the software will either delete the feature itself, or shut down the computer if the user does not respond within 49 seconds.

Interviewer: That is a mind-blowing idea. Now I am running out of time and would like to finish this interview with this final question. We interviewed 3 other candidates before you today. Tell me why should we hire you instead of them?

Kejriwal: I was sitting in your parking lot since 8 AM today and I have seen all the candidates who attended your interview. The first candidate came in a Tata Indica. This proves that he is an agent of Tata. The second candidate had a Reliance CDMA phone, and that proves he is an Ambani agent.

The 3rd candidate was very silent and even when the parking attendant greeted him, he did not greet back and went silently. Why was he silent? His silence is a proof of his confession and that he is hiding his guilt. I tried to get his attention by coughing loudly but he did not even turn towards me. I was very curious and went to the parking spot where he had parked his vehicle. I was shocked to find that it was actually a huge SUV and there were several stickers of Mickey Mouse & other characters. Upon close observation, I noticed a small sticker of Disney’s Pluto as well on the SUV’s tyre frame.

That explains it all! Pluto is a puppy. Pluto sticker on SUV tyre. Connect the dots: “Puppy under SUV“. He must be a communal fascist with blood in his hands, and that’s why he does not have the guts to face anybody.

Now you tell me, do you want a Tata agent, Ambani agent, communal fascist, or an aam programmer?

Interviewer: You have great investigation skills, Mr. Kejriwal. Anyway, I am done with the interview. You may leave now. Our HR team will get back to you on May 16.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Set Max viewers file PIL to stop broadcast of IPL 7; bring back ‘Sooryavansham’

A scene that has been etched in the minds of Set Max watchers for eternity.

New Delhi. After getting extremely bored by the seventh round of the Indian Premier League, a clutch of cricket loving lawyers got together to file a PIL to stop the broadcast of the IPL and bring back Set Max’s legacy broadcast movie – ‘Sooryavansham’.

“IPL 7 is so boring that I have been missing what Set Max used to show all the time, all day long, on infinite loop,” Tadapit Kumar, a concerned cricket lover said.

“To be fair, I miss the movie because it was bad on so many levels. The thirty year old’s role played by Amitabh Bachhan in the movie, actually much looks older than the father’s role Bachhan played!”

“The teams have changed so much that Delhiites like Sehwag, Nehra and Gambhir are actually playing for non Delhi teams,” Tadapit added. “While watching the matches, it is extremely unclear who is actually playing for whom. Case in point, Yuvraj Singh was Kings XI Punjab for so many years but he is with RCB now.”

“So a few of us have gotten together and decided to file this PIL now,” he said. “If not Sooryavansham, maybe Set Max can show us Rahul Gandhi’s speeches. Now that is wholesome entertainment!”

BJP to install camera, like one on IPL umpire’s head, on Ramdev to monitor his utterances

New Delhi. Embarrassed by his latest utterances, where he ended up insulting dalits while trying to mock Rahul Gandhi, BJP has decided to keep a constant eye over Baba Ramdev, and other similar mouthed leaders.

Sources say that the party has decided to fix a camera on Baba Ramdev’s head, which will live telecast everything he does and says. This will allow BJP to issue clarifications and spins on Baba’s statements in advance, much before they turn into raging controversies on TV and Twitter.

“We are not snooping on him,” BJP leader Amit Shah clarified, “We are just making sure things don’t go out of control when polling is in the last phases. It’s just a security measure to save Baba from ferocious critics.”

BJP may use a heavier camera to restrict Baba’s movements.

“We respect individual freedom and that’s why we are not asking Baba to shut up,” he added.

The news soon reached Congress High Command, who were quick to jump to the defense of Baba Ramdev for the first time terming it a fascist usage of technology.

“This is attack on privacy of a person who is is showing signs of turning secular with his actions. Ramdev may have said a thing or two about Rahul Gandhi Ji, but we all took it sportingly,” Digvijay Singh said as he extended an olive branch to Baba Ramdev urging him to forget past and start afresh.

As the development started inviting reactions from all quarters, Ex BCCI chief N Srinivasan too came out of his bunker, demanding royalty from BJP for using a technology which he claimed as brainchild of IPL and BCCI.

DDCA president Arun Jaitely was immediately sent an SOS by BJP, who later flew down from Amritsar to Chennai and calmed N Srinivasan down.

Meanwhile according to insiders an experimental run of the idea failed miserably, as 90% of the time Baba Ramdev was in some weird position making it impossible for BJP to decipher and understand what is happening from that angle.

Parliament to introduce new houses for candidates finishing second and third

New Delhi. In a major decision taken in a secret meeting attended by all political parties, it was decided that the Parliament of India will have two more houses – apart from the existing Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha – where candidates finishing second and third in ongoing general elections will be accommodated.

“After all, they have won so many votes of people. They have a right to become honorable MPs,” a leader justified the decision.

“It sucks when you have to go through all the security checks at airports and stand in queue at various places, just because you got a few thousands vote less,” he explained the rationale.

According to unconfirmed sources, Robert Vadra could be given the contract to construct the new houses. Although some sources say Suresh Kalmadi is leading the race to get the contract.

The proposal is believed to have received strong support from AAP and Congress although BJP has not spelt out its clear strategy on the issue. Regional parties see this as a golden opportunity to get a house in the posh Lutyen’s Delhi area, something which has been a dream for them.

“We are hoping that we can bring a leadership revolution in the country. If this idea succeeds, we will want the same to be implemented for state legislatures, right down to the gram panchayats. Imagine, how many political leaders we will have!” said a newly formed leader.

According to the proposal, each candidate who gets the second highest votes will be made a member of the new “Vote Sabha”, while the one who stands third will be made a member of the “Note Sabha”.

“These names are basically to underline the importance of various elements in our electoral process,” a member of the “Parliament Reorganization Committee” told Faking News.

The members to these new houses won’t have voting rights, but they will be able to discuss bills and raise questions in the parliament. They will also be encouraged to shout and walk-out to feel like real MPs.

But most importantly, they will be entitled to privileges and perks just like MPs. However, there is a catch; the people of the constituency, from where they have been ‘elected’, will be directly responsible for meeting their expenses.

“A new tax will be imposed and people will be asked to pay monthly, just like they pay other rents, to feed their MPs,” revealed the member of the committee, “This will help people realize how much money is wasted in parliament, and maybe one day they will ask for a better organized parliament.”

Friday, April 25, 2014

Friday faking release: Sister Act

Its all about ~~power~~ family’s honour

10 steps Election Commission could have taken to ensure more voter turnout in Mumbai

Yesterday Mumbai once again lived up to its name of a city that gives a damn, by showing middle finger to the elections. In hindsight, a few proactive steps by Election Commission could have ensure in getting healthy voter turnouts:

1. Polling Booth inside Dadar Station: Installing a polling booth inside Dadar Station alone could have ensured a 70-80% turnout in Mumbai. In addition to this, one poll booth in one Kalyan bound fast local in the evening hours itself could have added another 15% of Mumbai votes.

2. Election Commission should have picked up and forcefully made people loitering aimlessly outside Salman Khan’s galaxy apartment residence and Shahrukh Khan’s mannat residence to vote. That could have upped the turnout by another 5-10%.

3. Threat to ban on Vada Pavs: A Mumbaikar may go without oxygen for a day, but Vada Pav is his staple diet. There have been instances when fights have broken out over Vada Pavs. For Mumbaikars it is Jar, Joru, Jameen and Vada Pav. A threat to ban this very symbol of survival if people don’t vote could have ensured a good turnout.

Few people from Bollywood who may be outcast after they recklessly turned up to vote.

4. Approaching vehicles on SV Road: Had Election Commission asked its officers to approach every vehicle stuck in a jam (big or small) on SV Road during evening, and made them vote on a portable EVM then and there, it would have ensured good turnout.

5. EC could have tied up with developers/owners of Candy Crush, Temple Run, etc. and asked them to allow only those who have voted to play these games. They would have agreed to it as a part of their Corporate Social responsibility.

6. Twitter/Facebook: Especially for Mumbai people, EC could have come up with an option to vote directly from Twitter and Facebook accounts. People could have voted which could have generates an automated tweet like I have voted for AAP/BJP/MNS. Have you?

7. Vote from home: Another facility for lazy rich brats of Mumbai, where in by shelling few lakhs they could have availed service of having a dedicate EVM directly couriered to their homes, on which they could have then hired another person to just press the button.

8. EC could have hired professional photographers like Daboo Ratnani etc for a day and promised people especially from South Mumbai of a nice photo of their inked finger if they vote.

9. A polling booth inside Café Leopald, Gokul and Toto’s Bandra at any given point in a day would have gathered at least half of Mumbai votes.

10. A rumor by EC that groups like AVICII, AKCENT etc are performing at every booth in the city could have brought more people to the booth.