Faking News - leading news satire website of India: February 2014

Friday, February 28, 2014

Reasons why Aamir Khan will not watch Satyamev Jayate

In latest promotional video of Satyamev Jayate 2, show’s host Aamir Khan points out the difference between persons who are going to watch his show and those who are not going to watch.

Later, Aamir Khan saw some of his own pictures and said “yeh nahi dekhega (he will not watch)” about himself. Here are those pictures, exclusively accessed by Faking News:

Triple loading on a bike, and that too without anyone wearing a helmet, none of these are going to watch.

That’s definitely not a socially responsible act. yeh nahi dekhega

Not a law abiding citizen from any angle.

Ye bhi nahi dekhega.

inhe desh ki fikr hai?

Brand ambassador of immensely successful Incredible India campaign.

Friday faking release: Race

Story full of twists and turns where you have no permanent enemies or friends.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Friday faking release: Khichdi

Film dedicated to Third Front, a joint venture of 11 political parties.

Mosquitoes from MP clarify that they were kissing Rahul Gandhi in 2008

Sagar, MP. A day after Rahul Gandhi was showered with kisses by women in Assam, mosquitoes from Bundelkhand area of Madhya Pradesh have clarified that back in 2008 they too were kissing the Congress Vice President – a compassionate act that Rahul confused for malicious attack.

“Our intention was to kiss Rahul Gandhi, not to harm him. He misinterpreted our love and affection,” said Lui Singh, head of Bundelkhand Mosquito Sangh.

Lui Singh was speaking on behalf of the families and descendants of those 25,000 mosquitoes, who were accused of attacking Rahul Gandhi and spoiling his tour.

Rahul Gandhi being kissed by human beings

“There was a deliberate confusion created by media about the kisses,” Lui Singh further explained, “Those were female mosquitoes who were kissing Rahul Gandhi. But since science textbooks have spread this sexist prejudice about female mosquitoes that only they bite human beings, the kisses were confused as bites.”

“If Rahul baba felt nauseated or feverish, it might be due to other factors, not due to our kisses,” the head of Bundelkhand Mosquito Sangh claimed.

“I mean, Digvijay Singh or something. But not us,” Lui added.

Congress sources tell Faking News that the clarification by the mosquitoes has won Rahul Gandhi’s heart, and he has forgiven them.

“On behalf of Congress, I invite them to join our party. Considering their huge network, I hope they will be very helpful in spreading Congress’ buzz across whole India,” Rahul Gandhi later issued a formal statement.

“We also aim to empower them,” Rahul Gandhi promised.

On cue with Rahul’s response, Bundelkhand’s local Congress workers, who were in state of enmity with the local mosquitoes after the 2008 incident, have invited the mosquitoes for a grand dinner at party office that will empower them by removing their hunger.

“Each of us will donate 20 ml of our blood for the dinner,” promised a Congress member, “If my blood helps the party and Rahul Gandhi ji, I will be the happiest person.”

“This is another jewel in crown of our charismatic leader Rahul Gandhi. Insaanon ko chhodo, hindustan ka machhar machhar Rahul Ji ka deewana hai,” Congress leader Rajeev Shukla expressed his happiness over the development.

Shukla further claimed that the incident proved that there was a huge wave in support of Congress in the country.

“These mosquitoes were part of BJP earlier and had joined the party after Narendra Modi had congratulated them on biting Rahul ji,” Shukla claimed while talking to media, “So this should be seen as thousands of BJP supporters deserting BJP to join Congress.”

Sources say that Congress is planning to use mosquitoes as brand ambassadors and spokespersons too.

“Each mosquito bite should be seen as a kiss – jan jan ko chhua, jan jivan badla,” a Congress leader said. The leader requested the party high command to pass orders for creating environment that promotes mosquitoes’ breeding.

Meanwhile, fumed over Congress-mosquitoes alliance, BJP has vowed to kill all the mosquitoes in all the states ruled by them.

“What can one expect from the party of mass murderers?” Congress leaders Salman Khurshid and Mani Shankar Aiyar released a joint statement, which overshadowed Rahul Gandhi’s statement of pardoning the mosquitoes.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Won’t take India lightly, clarifies Bangladesh’s captain ahead of their Asia Cup encounter

Fatullah, Bangladesh. Ahead of their opening encounter against India in Asia Cup, Bangladesh team management has clarified that they will not make the mistake of treating India as minnows at any cost.

Bangladesh’s captain Mushfiqur Rahim downplayed rumors that his team was taking Indian cricket team lightly at the mandatory pre match press conference.

“Dhoni’s absence wont be missed,” Rahim insisted.

“We are preparing as hard as we prepare against South Africa or Australia and are not underestimating India at all. They have some very good players capable of causing huge upset early on in the tournament,” Rahim told the media gathered at the conference.

He even acknowledged the past performance of India against them where in they played well and managed to win few games.

“We are fully aware of their recent overseas tours against strong teams like South Africa and New Zealand where they stunned one and all with their performance. The fact that they managed to draw 2 test matches against them speaks volumes of the progress they have made,” Rahim said while rubbishing suggestions that ICC should snatch away India’s test playing status.

He further refused to read too much into the estimates of bookies who have termed Bangladesh as firm favorites in this encounter.

“All I can say is India or Afghanistan both teams can prove to be extremely dangerous in shorter formats of the game,” Rahim said warning his players against complacency.

Meanwhile Indian team management feels that this series is a good opportunity for the young and ‘talented’ players to gain experience by rubbing shoulders against some of the top players and teams in the business.

“We are not just looking at causing upsets and spoiling someone’s party. We are actually eying semi final spots and will turn up on the field with same belief,” Virat Kohli, India’s captain for the series revealed.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Shinde clarifies his crushing media remark again, says he often speaks without his own knowledge

“Guys dont take me seriously”

New Delhi. Issuing second clarification within a span of 3 hours, Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde has now claimed that he is suffering from a chronic disease which makes him utter mindless statements on and off without his own knowledge.

Shinde had earlier claimed in a rally that he will crush electronic media only to backtrack later and clarify that he meant social media.

He confessed that he realized he must have again said something stupid only when he saw people outraging on Twitter.

“I urge my fans and audience not to take such statements on face value. They often come out of my mouth without my knowledge,” Shinde said appealing to media gathered at the conference twice.

“Without any knowledge whatsoever of the subject too,” his PA quickly added.

He further urged people to wait for at least 3-4 clarifications in future before finally accepting the actual version of what he meant.

“Both the times when I talked about crushing electronic and social media I may have meant crushing my media player which of late has been downloading and playing lot of anti-congress videos from the internet without my knowledge,” clarified Shinde twice leaving some further scope for a u-turn and clarification.

Shinde gave a very stern look twice when some media persons brought to his notice that he has now used ‘without the knowledge’ card more often that ‘secularism’ card.

He was immediately dragged away from the conference by senior congress leader before he could call everyone there Yeda.

“We thought for a moment he may actually crush us,” revealed a cameraman present at the conference who was still shivering.

Meanwhile this latest clarification from Shinde has left some of the top journalists who are active on Twitter totally confused. According to reports these journalists had started celebrating after Shinde vowed to crush “Social Media”.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Been opposing BJP and RSS for 7000 years, claims AAP leader

In a sensational claim, a senior AAP leader (name withheld on request) claimed that he and his party have been fighting the fascism of BJP & RSS for over 7000 years.

He was responding to reporter’s questions on tendency of AAP to drag BJP & Modi’s name while opposing Congress corruption.

Kaikeyi protesting to banish Rama from Ayodhya

Stunned reporters pointed to the impossibility of the idea as AAP was two years old, BJP was founded less than 30 years back and even RSS was founded in last century.

Clarifying their doubts, the leader stated, “AAP as an idea was alive 7000 years back and as per oldest recorded version of mythology, the founding member of AAP was Manthara who protested against dynastic & VIP culture of Dashratha in appointing his son Rama as the crown prince ignoring the claims of another AAP member Bharata.”

“She inspired Kaikeyi to sit on what was probably the first dharna of the world. We are proud that this dharna was successful, like the one undertaken recently by our leader Arvind Kejriwal was, and Dasharatha was forced give in to Kaikeyi’s demands and anoint Bharata as the new king, like LG Delhi & MHA had to in the recent case,” he added further.

One of the reporters who had recovered from the initial shock pointed out that Bharata too was Dasharatha’s son, so he was not qualified to be AAP member but the leader clarified further, “You become an AAP member by what you do. Bharata never sat on the throne, always squatted on the ground near it, so like our current leader Arvind Kejriwal sleeping near his Wagon R.”

Having shocked the gathering into silence with his sensational claims, the leader pressed on, “Even during Mahabharata, our leader Karna was the natural heir to the throne but his right was denied. He had to take support of Kauravas, like we took support of Congress recently. Karna fought well, as we are doing now. Though he eventually lost but not before doing incalculable damage to Pandvas, like we are trying to do now to Modi.”

“In fact, our internal lokpal is investigating as to who was the real owner of the Pushpak Viman used by Rama for travelling from Lanka to Ayodhya. Another case being investigated by Lokpal is whether Yudhishthira had paid the compensation to the six villages he acquired as per prevailing rates. Expect our press conference on these two exposes soon,” the leader concluded & left without answering any further questions.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Man sues Bollywood after failing to find any real politician in recent movies

Mumbai. In a rather strange turn of events, Aryan Kejriwal, a student of the ‘Aam Add me Institute of Social Media and Management’ spent around Rs 500 which he had reserved for a Khamba of Old Monk on the recently released Gunday thinking it was a political movie.

Upon realization that it was a movie produced by the same production house which produced the worst sequel i.e. Uday Chopra, he approached Faking News for agitation purposes.

Heroes in ‘Gunday’ were not politicians.

Aryan is a die hard fan of Indian politics and he said the title made him believe Yash Raj has finally moved on from the island of candy floss and senselessness to the island of reality.

He told our reporter that he expected Digvijay Singh and Mulayam Singh Yadav but when he saw two chiselled actors, he was taken aback. He thought to wait for another hour but there was no trace of the Indian Parliament and its sessions.

Aryan claims that keeping equivocal titles for movies is a scam. He told he might sue YRF for cheating on the common man. He forced our reporter to join him for a protest but our reporter apparently declined the lucrative offer.

He told Faking News, Bollywood is misleading young audience to flock the theaters under the pretext of showing intelligent political cinema. He said, he earlier thought ‘Besharam’ was about Sanjay Jha but turned out to be a reunion of the Kapoor khandaan.

Another time he was fooled was when he thought Italian Job was about Sonia Gandhi. Once he was tricked into believing Talaash was about missing government files.

His girlfriend had fooled him by saying Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna was about the BJP telling Advani to stay and not quit. His friend fooled him by telling Robot is about the childhood of Manmohan Singh.

His father removed a plan from his shenanigan box and told him Shaitaan was about Kapil Sibal and Taare Zameen Par about Rahul Gandhi’s youth.

He proclaims he is not gullible but the common man is forced to fool him due to political pressure from the film fraternity.

Our reporter did not comprehend this statement. Only time will tell if this is a gimmick for attention or a serious revolution against faulty movie titles.

Aryan told us he would take this matter into his own hands and the last he was spotted outside a muffler store.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Amethi AAP claims ‘Rahul Milk’ being used in NaMo Chai

Amethi. Soon after Congress’ local unit introduced ‘Rahul Milk’ to counter BJP’s chai pe charcha, Amethi AAP has claimed that ‘Rahul Milk’ was being used to make chai by BJP workers.

As per AAP, some of their volunteers who were at Modi tea stall for having subsidized free tea, saw an empty packet of ‘Rahul Milk’ in the dustbin.

However, as proof, they just have a photo of the dustbin, nothing else.

Rahul Milk [pic courtesy]

“Modi was a chaiwalla, but Rahul wasn’t a milkman; so why Congress has come up with ‘Rahul Milk’? I am telling you the reason – Congress is doing this to help BJP and get publicity along with Modi chai,” claimed visibly furious Kumar Vishwas.

“Both BJP and Congress are collaborating together to defeat AAP. But we will give befitting reply, doodh ka jawab paani se denge, rishwat hum kabhi nahi lenge,” Vishwas declared in a hurriedly written poem, further announcing AAP’s plan to distribute “Kejriwal brand water packets” in Amethi to counter Rahul and Modi.

“It is a good to drink water before tea, otherwise it causes gas,” an AAP supporter explained the logic, “It stops hot tea from causing corruption inside your stomach.”

Meanwhile, Congress has once again called AAP “team B of BJP”.

“AAP is helping BJP by supplying them Kejriwal brand water to mix it with with milk to make high quantity but low quality tea,” claimed a Congress spokesperson.

People in Amethi refused to comment on this new brand of politics.

Friday, February 21, 2014

IPL-7 to be organised inside jails due to security concerns during LS elections

New Delhi. After Sushil Shinde conveyed the government’s inability to provide security during the IPL-7 due to General Elections happening at the same time, BCCI officials have proposed plan to organize the cricket bonanza inside Indian jails.

And surprisingly, Government of India has given a nod to the request.

“Besides generating handsome revenue for the government and keeping the tournament venue inside India, it will also save us from providing any kind of extra security,” said Home Minister Shinde justifying GOI’s decision.

Venue of final match

Eight jails from all across the country have been selected as venue grounds. Each of them will be acting has home ground for the teams. For example, Tihar Jail will be the home ground for Delhi Daredevils and Maharashtra’s largest jail, Yerwada Central Jail will be the home ground for Mumbai Indians.

Talking to media, IPL chairman Ranjib Biswal cleared many doubts regarding match arrangements inside jails.

“We are using this opportunity to organize one of its kind event in history of sports. Cricketers will arrive at the venue a day before the match and they will stay inside prison cells. Many of the cells are being converted into 5 star suites, and inmates of those cells have been shifted into other overcrowded cells,” said Ranjib, giving a brief of the ongoing preparations.

“Although some VIP prisoners’ cells were already there, but we needed more of them. VIP prisoners have been either sent to five star hospitals or to their homes on parole to make extra room,” he added further.

Sources say, a couple of IPL teams are even planning to make their non-performing players sleep in overcrowded cells as punishment.

“Apart from motivating them to perform, first hand experience of hostile jail environment will also make players afraid of doing anything illegal like spot-fixing,” an IPL team owner told Faking News.

Tihar Jail authorities, who have earlier conducted music training sessions and concerts inside Tihar to reform its inmates, have offered to provide prisoners as replacement of cheerleaders.

Meanwhile, AAP has congratulated BCCI for bringing VIPs of country inside jails.

“So what if they will stay there only for few hours to watch the match, the important thing is they will be inside the jail,” pointed out AAP supremo Arvind Kejriwal.

6 solutions to Shinde’s refusal to provide security to IPL this year

New Delhi. Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde has conceded it would be impossible for his government to provide security to IPL this year due to it clashing with general elections. Faking News has some alternative solutions to offer, which IPL bosses may consider after paying us the consultation fees:

A stressed out Shinde after realizing he may not be able to attend IPL parties if it is shifted out of India.

1. BCCI can ask Shinde to provide security cover in IPL without the knowledge of government or any other entity. To be able to pull off such a feat is a child’s play for Shinde as he is an expert in this domain, having already displayed this talent when Arvind Kejriwal was Delhi’s Chief Minister. So if not officially, Shinde can surely provide security unofficially.

2. Alternatively, N Srinivasan can eye the post of CM of Delhi. He can always get outside support of any party to become one. He has plenty of experience when it comes to taking support of entities to achieve something, be it for him, or for his son-in-law, or even his IPL team CSK. And once he is the CM, even Shinde will be duty bound and go out of his way to provide security to him wherever he goes. He has to go to all IPL matches.

3. Since Narendra Modi offered to stage all matches in Gujarat the last time IPL clashed with general elections in 2009, this time BCCI could deny him this chance and pro-actively shift IPL to Robert Vadra occupied land also known as Haryana. Stadiums can be built on those lands with the help of former sponsor DLF. And when Mr. Vadra is in picture, there is no question of government not being able to provide security.

4. IPL can be held inside parliament premises, as it will be lying vacant during the elections. The MPs there have the ability to generate noise that is much higher in decibels than that generated by spectators at Eden Gardens and Arnab Goswami combined. RLD MLAs who stripped in US assembly can then be called to parliament and they can make for an excellent replacement for cheerleaders. Parliament already has security.

5. Elections can be delayed or may be even scrapped. BCCI may have to take support of AAP and Congress to make it possible. Both the parties would be very keen to delay or scrap the elections respectively for different reasons.

6. IPL can be scrapped. Fans can directly ask results of each and every game from Gurunath Meiyappan and Raj Kundra. These guys must have surely finalized the outcomes related to most of the games and come up as big help in this crisis situation. To pass time, fans may watch recordings of earlier IPL matches.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Friday faking release: 7 Khoon Maaf

After Jayalalithaa announced her government's decision to release all seven convicts in the Rajiv Gandhi assassination case, 7 Khoon Maaf has been rereleased.

After Jayalalithaa announced her government’s decision to release all seven convicts in the Rajiv Gandhi assassination case, 7 Khooni Maaf has been rereleased.

WhatsApp to distribute $1 billion among users who wasted time on WhatsApp

California, USA. Setting an example, freshly acquired messaging service WhatsApp has announced that it will donate $1 billion out of the $19 billion that it’s going to get from Facebook, among its users who made the app what it is today.

“We only created this service, but the real heroes are the app users. They religiously wasted hours and hours without caring about themselves and their own future. We are not their relatives, but they helped us without expecting anything in return,” said WhatsApp co-founder Brian Acton in an emotional letter to app users.

Your efforts paid off

WhatsApp will be distributing $1 billion among its 450 million odd users, which results into roughly Rs 135 for each user. This is first time in the history of mergers and acquisitions that any company has taken such a generous initiative.

WhatsApp decision has resulted into jubilation across the whole world. WhatsApp users were spotted celebrating and yelling on streets and on social media. Most of them sent “thumbs up” emoticon to each other on WhatsApp.

“Finally it paid off! I still remember the days when I used to spend hours even when not chatting. I’ll just check out the profile pictures, status, and last online at info for all my contacts,” revealed Ayunline Sharma, a WhatsApp user.

“Once my father said, ‘Better do some work, WhatsApp is not going to feed you’. Now, let that Rs 135 arrive, I will take him out for a pani-puri treat,” Ayunline said.

When this Faking News reporter asked whether Rs 135 was not too less for wasting approximately 1500 hours in last two years, Ayunline Sharma quoted a filmy dialogue, “Iss 135 rupaye ki qeemat tum kya jano reporter babu?”

Another self confessed and humble WhatsApp addict Sarphar Shukla posted an emotional status update on Facebook exhibiting his joy.

“I started using WhatsApp without any motivation, money was never a motive. Thanks to my dad who bought me a mobile phone, thanks to my teachers who taught me A,B,C,L,O,L. and thanks to Facebook! It’s because of them I earned this money. Thanks everyone!” read his status update.

Sarphar Shukla has already planned where he is going to spend Rs 135. “Rs 98 for next month mobile internet plan, Rs 2 for charity, and remaining Rs 35 for cornetto ice cream,” he revealed.

Google designs Smart Cameras that will not record scenes of MPs getting rowdy in Parliament

New Delhi. After Parliament saw pepper spray attack and UP assembly saw MLAs protesting half-naked, efforts are on to make sure such scenes are not seen again.

Since elected representatives can’t be forced to behave, tech giant Google has proposed installation of “smart cameras” in legislative houses. These cameras will smartly filter scenes that bring shame to democracy.

Google will save you from being exposed to such scenes in future

“Our cameras will be intelligent, motorized eyes that can respond to obscenities of all types e.g. audio, visual, and, even social and political. For instance, the moment a leader shouts something like ‘bhen’, our camera will zoom into another leader sleeping in the house so that people think that no abuses were exchanged and things are going normal,” Alok Nath, a Google representative explained how the recordings of legislative houses will be all cultured from now on.

Noticing the sparkle in our correspondent’s eyes, further elaborated, “Our smart sensors will immediately pick objectionable contents like currency note bundles, pornographic images, abusive words, naked humans, running humans, etc. and those images can be replaced with stock footage showing cultured behavior.”

“If required, the cameras can also shut themselves down before zooming on to the pictures of Ambedkar, Gandhi, and others hanging in the houses,” he added.

The Google representative said that these smart cameras could replace CCTV cameras, which are anyway not working in most places.

Mr. Nath further informed that these cameras could be programmed and customized for various organizations, making its application useful beyond the legislative houses.

“We can code and customize the cameras in a way that it will recognize and automatically start ‘live telecast’ of a mob attack. Such cameras can be installed in public places and used by TV channels,” Mr. Nath told Faking News.

“It is a very dynamic application area. We are already exploring other applications, such as cameras in Metro trains that look away when couples start kissing each other, or cameras in celebrities’ homes designed in the opposite way,” the Google man showed the future.

Facebook to make one final acquisition, to buy NSA

California, USA: Instead of collecting information about people and their lives in parts, Facebook has decided to get in entirety by acquiring NSA (National Security Agency) from the US government.

Interestingly, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg thought of this idea while exploring Indian markets.

Sources say the decision was taken when after acquiring WhatsApp, Zuckerberg was relaxing in his suite and stumbled upon an ad on TV that where a girl claimed that “Naye purane ajeeb sajeeb all my friends are on WeChat” and wondered if he made a blunder by acquiring WhatsApp instead.

Zuckerberg while stalking to the media.

“His mood was so down that he didn’t even feel like watching episodes of Bigg Boss that I had downloaded for him,” confirmed his aide.

Recovering from the crappy deal he cracked, Mark realized there was no point in buying subsets of NSA in parts and thought of making one final acquisition by purchasing the NSA.

If reports are to be believed earlier Mark had plans to buy last benches of the school/college classrooms, areas around coffee vending machine in IT companies, and many similar purchases where people spend lot of time discussing some private matters.

He was also thinking of buying Google Plus after WhatsApp but was warned that he would get data and information of only 3 people with that purchase.

So he finally decided against it and realized he can have it all with NSA under its belt.

“While Whatsapp, Instagram, etc. would have given us information about only those who are online, with NSA acquisition we may even have access to people like Aftab Shivdasani and Rahul Roy who are nowhere to be seen these days,” the founder of Facebook told our reporter flashing a ‘V’ sign.

Mark however insisted that it was for better user experience that he is doing all these acquisitions.

Facebook has already sent the proposal for same to Richard Ledgett, Director of NSA and US president Barack Obama, both of whom appeared not very keen to part with their asset.

Not to be bogged down by this unfavorable response, Facebook is now thinking of hiring services of Rajiv Shukla and Amar Singh to negotiate and crack the deal successfully.